[24] The Other Pokereviews, Part 124

Nothing of note today.

Anime count: 15

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13045870/1/Ash-Alola-Journey-Rewrite

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[Ash returns home to find a nasty surprise unexpectedly waiting for him as he leaves home in a haste, how will his new journey in the Alola Region be like?]

That’s hard to tell, since you didn’t say what the unexpected surprise is. Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. If you tell readers your premise explicitly, you’ll get a lot more interest.

[Without further a due]

You want “ado”. A due is a payment.

[i can’t wait to see mom again]

I shouldn’t have to tell you that “I” is capitalized. Furthermore, when a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[“Strange, where did the professor and Tracey?” He questioned.]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Furthermore, “questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

It looks like you might want to get a beta reader to help you with these issues if you want to improve the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13045831/1/Do-No-Harm-Rewrite

Blocked, which is a shame because it looks interesting. Don’t recognize the author.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13045655/1/Voyage-of-Passion

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13045615/1/Pokemon-XY-The-Story-of-Chris-Oak

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[Though his adventure starts with a jolly nature, his curiosity turns this magical land into a world of dark, twisted evil. It’s up to Chris to defeat this evil before it obtains the ultimate power of Kalos: The Three Beasts.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What is this vague “evil”? What’s this story about specifically?

I’m also a bit confused what you mean by “the three beasts”. Do you mean the legendary beast trio? Because those aren’t typically associated with Kalos.

[two male Nidoran’s]

Apostrophes are for possessives, not plurals.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Chris placed the binoculars to his right side, now pulling out a notepad. He was light-skinned man with large, spiky brown hair, and emerald green eyes. He jotted a few notes down before heading south of the oak tree back to his hometown…Pallet Town.]

The description sentence here sticks out like a sore thumb. I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but opening the story with description or exposition is actually not a good idea. Readers don’t actually need to know this stuff just yet to enjoy the story; things like how the character acts and what they’re doing matter much more in the long run. Show don’t tell, etc. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

[where a laboratory, home hybrid lay]

I’m not sure why you added a comma here? It sounds like you may have meant “a laboratory/home hybrid”.

[“I’m back Pops.”]

There should be a comma here before “Pops”, as it’s a direct address.

[“Oh…ok.”]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

That ended very abruptly. This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13045435/1/Land-Of-18-Souls

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13045258/1/Facing-the-Beast

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13044906/1/Another-Hoenn-Journey

Covered by Talarc. I am not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13044880/1/Theta-Emerald-Nuzlocke

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13044872/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-One-shot-Collection

Non-story chapters are banned on this site, and as such this story is at risk for deletion. This should go in an author’s note above your first chapter.

Centering text makes it difficult to read.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13044872/2/Pok%C3%A9mon-One-shot-Collection

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Butterfree’s flying around]

Apostrophes are for possessives, not plurals.

[giving it a dark touch as remark of his today’s adventures]

I think you may have dropped an article here.

[the male]

Only animal researchers refer to things as “the male” or “the female”. Even when talking about pokemon characters, this sounds extremely awkward. It’s okay to reuse more appropriate epithets.

[due to their type difference,yet]

Missing space.

[“What are you doing even close to my ground, you fiery dog!” She screams]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[her heart’s beating fastly]

You want “quickly”. “Fastly” isn’t a word in English even though it seems like it should be. Sorry, but English is weird like that.

[I’ve observed so many of your kind passing this way, doing nothing but burning the ground by making excessive big campfires!” She keeps complaining about actually inconsequential stuff.]

That… doesn’t sound very inconsequential for a grass-type. It sounds like she relies on the plants for some physiological need, and she’s vulnerable to an out-of-control fire herself. This is also rather dodging the greater issue that if she really does have claim to this territory, she does have a right to defend it.

[I think those rants are just hiding your real desires, there’s no way you are just so upset because of campfires”]

Dialogue requires punctuation just like any other sentence.

The pronoun “I” is always capitalized in English.

[“I highly doubt that you would punish me, the only Mon that would actually stay voluntarily by your side”]

Yeesh, this guy is a creep. I’m really not a fan of “irrational woman needs to be put in her place/have her feelings explained to her by a man” narratives.

The writing here is serviceable, but odd and stilted in parts, in addition to having the errors I pointed out. I think you should get a beta reader to help you if you wish to continue writing in English.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13044842/1/Pull-Me-Deep

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[“I know he’s up there, I know he is, I just know it.” A Brunette said]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

“Brunette” shouldn’t be capitalized, and I don’t think that’s the best word to use here either. When you are writing a story and refer to a character by a physical trait, occupation, age, or any other attribute, rather than that character’s name, you are bringing the reader’s attention to that particular attribute. That can be used quite effectively to help your reader to focus on key details with just a few words. However, if the fact that the character is “the brunette,” “the trainer,” “the older man,” etc. is not relevant to that moment in the story, this will only distract the reader from the purpose of the scene. If your only reason for referring to a character this way is to avoid using his or her name or a pronoun too much, don’t do it. You’re fixing a problem that actually isn’t one. Just go ahead and use the name or pronoun again. It’ll be good.

[“Probably not thinking about you, Leaf.” The orange haired girl interjected]

That’s not quite what interjected means. “Interrupted” might be more suitable here, but you shouldn’t be afraid to use “said” either; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13044807/1/Regret-Message

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13044797/1/The-mystery-of-team-skull

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13044760/1/Insatiable-Heat

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13044632/1/Ash-and-Dawn-In-Love

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13044565/1/Kory

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[Welcome to Slateport University. Although we here at Slateport University focus on courses that deal with the social sciences, many of our professors cover a wide variety of topics. Our campus offers a wide variety of activities for students, local and international. The only thing we ask is that you leave your Pokemon at home, all zones at Slateport are safe zones.]

Okay, but what is the story actually going to be about? Summaries should tell us more than just the genre.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[Kory figured he’d been teaching this class for a while, he seemed comfortable at the front.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[“I’m Kory,” she pointed at herself, “that is my service mon,” She pointed at Tonin, “he does for me… services,” she said the last word as slowly as she could]

You’re generally formatting dialogue correctly, but this is a difficult rule: when narration linked to dialogue doesn’t describe how it’s said, it’s a separate sentence and is punctuated accordingly. It gets trickier if you’re breaking up a complete sentence of dialogue, but this looks like it could be broken into complete sentences. [“I’m Kory.” She pointed at herself. “That is my service mon.” She pointed at Tonin. “He does for me… services.” She said the last word as slowly as she could] would work, I think.

[his hands together, “we are required to go over a few guidelines before the lecture begins.”

“I said he seemed genuine, not that he was genuine. Besides I’m too ugly to be a fairy.”

“Hey, Grandbulls are faries.”

“Well, there’s hope for me yet.”

Kory and Tonin were 4 minutes early for their next class. Their professor was 2 minutes late.]

Is there supposed to be a time gap here? I have trouble following this.

[“He’s a service Pokémon.” Kory met her eyes.

“Where is its service vest?” The professor broke eye contact to scan Melatonin’s fur.

“He doesn’t wear one.”

“He needs to wear one to be classified as a service Pokémon,” She dropped a stuffed file pointedly on the podium.

“No he doesn’t.”

Turning back to the troubling pair she sized the two of them up before continuing, “you don’t look disabled.”

“You’re the second person to tell me that today,” Kory kept her voice even and her eyes dull. She had learned from experience that explosive confrontation would get nowhere.

“A Pokémon is required to wear a service vest. How else would people distinguish it from any other Pokémon?” The professor’s voice rose an octave and her eyes became sharp.

“A person can distinguish a service Pokémon by either assuming any Pokémon out of its ball is a service Pokémon, or by asking.” Tonin began packing their supplies in Kory’s bag. He didn’t need Future Sight to see where this conversation was headed. He knew Kory well. It was part of his job.

“That is total b…”

“Besides,” Kory casually cut off the professor’s outburst, “a service vest can be purchased online for less than a train ticket. Who is to stop you from wearing a service vest?” There was a soft chuckle from the back of the class.]

Uh… that’s a really reasonable request. Pokemon can be seriously dangerous, and it sounds like the university implements this rule for good reason. Figuring out whether this pokemon is safe or if Kory is trying to sneak in a weapon of mass destruction is really important.

I genuinely can’t understand what’s going on after this point. This story is really disjointed and hard to follow.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13044339/1/Ash-s-challenge

Seems like you forgot to label this as anime fic.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13044329/1/We-All-Live-in-a-Pokegirl-World

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Reviewed by someone else.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13044225/1/Alola-sentai-Ultra-Guardians

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[his arua powers]

Typo.

[The Alola region]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration.

You don’t need to give exposition about the setting; everyone reading this is already familiar with the source material.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Generally, this is full of errors. You need to get a beta reader if you struggle with this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13044119/1/After-Pokemon

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13043820/1/The-Curse-of-the-Savior

Ooh, Colosseum fic, I don’t see that often.

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[When Rui notices that as been sneaking out at night]

It sounds like something got dropped in this sentence.

Skits in the author’s note are distracting and not really necessary. Since the information is dry anyway, it’s best to just deliver it straightforwardly.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[I don’t know how or when she managed to slip past my defenses and warm my heart with emotions]

This makes him sound like a robot. “Emotions” is such a broad and vague term that it doesn’t do this justice. What emotions, specifically, did she use to warm his heart? Details are what sell this.

[‘Master, I’m sorry if we woke you.’ Espeon stated]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, that’s not what stated means. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

It is also incredibly awkward to have pokemon calling Wes “Master” in a game about Wes fighting against an organization that treats pokemon as disposable tools. If he really cares about the well-being of pokemon, he should be treating them as equals, not as servants.

A new speaker requires a new paragraph. This rule is so important that I’m not reading any further, sorry.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13043795/1/The-Totem-Human

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13043597/1/A-Trainer-s-Story-Kanto

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[This is my first story so any ideas like plots, character good or bad, anything is welcome even oc but they need a background. I would really appreciate it if you would like and give me things to improve on]

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. If you just want general inspiration, it’s better to check out lists of public OCs and find ones that you know will work well with the story. Here’s one: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/128021680/1/Character-Bio-Thread

The same applies to plot ideas. Only you know what’s the best thing for you to write and the best direction for you to take the story. You should plan your plots out in advance so you know where things are going to end up; like SYOC stories, stories that aren’t planned out often end up floundering.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Half a century and two years had passed in Kanto, the tradition of receiving starters from the Pokémon lab, Gym Battles and League challenges were the same, but some things do change. Over the horizon something could be sensed although it shall be left alone for now.]

If it’s not important at the moment, you don’t need to mention it. I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but opening the story with description or exposition is actually not a good idea. Readers don’t actually need to know this stuff just yet to enjoy the story; things like how the character acts and what they’re doing matter much more in the long run. Show don’t tell, etc. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

Also, the tradition of receiving starters from a professor isn’t actually a tradition at all. Oak gives you a starter because you’re buddies with his grandson, not because all trainers are entitled to one. We only think it’s tradition because that’s how the player gets their starter in every game, but if you pay close attention to the circumstances of the games’ openings, you’ll see that the player character’s experience is often unique.

[The boy has tanned skin and his clothes consisted of a grey shirt, under an orange open short sleeved wind-breaker which was black on the sleeves and a silver bracelet on his left wrist, also a black fingerless glove on his hands. For his lower half he wore grey pants with bands at the ankles and blue sneakers.]

The same logic applies to description like this.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

[The boys name]

Missing apostrophe.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[he’s fourteen and today he was going to receive his first Pokémon]

Why didn’t he get one at ten, the normal starting age for trainers? I can understand if you want to write about an older character, but in that case you should consider using an established trainer instead. We already know that a ten-year-old can handle the difficulties of a pokemon journey, so an older kid should have even less difficulty. That makes for a less interesting story, because tension and complications are what stories are made of.

[“Morning Ren, are you ready for your big day.”]

This should probably end with a question mark, not a period.

[The boy just grinned, “I’m pumped]

When narration doesn’t describe how dialogue is said, it’s its own sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [The boy just grinned. “I’m pumped]

[Ah… mom]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

This is decent, but the errors make it hard to follow what’s going on. I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13043219/1/Unsent-Letters

Blocked. Author looks familiar but I don’t see my reviews on their stories.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13042971/1/Flight-of-the-Bird

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13042375/1/Trainer

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[Follow Ash Ketchum, who started his journey with a unique Duskull, as he travels the land of Kanto. Smarter!Ash Powerful!Ash]

At a certain point, you really need to ask yourself why you’re so uncomfortable admitting you want to write about an OC that you have to staple Ash’s face over theirs. Just write about your OC. Trying to force this to hit the same beats as canon to justify it being Ash will just cheapen the changes you’ve made and make the entire thing more boring as you take what could be an original plotline and hammer it back into the same shape as always.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13042294/1/Shatura

Just a heads-up that this isn’t showing up as anime fic, which means people searching for anime fic won’t see it. You should label this as anime to get more readers.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13042225/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Soaring-Skies

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes. If you just want general inspiration, it’s better to check out lists of public OCs and find ones that you know will work well with the story. Here’s one: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/128021680/1/Character-Bio-Thread

This intro is incredibly rushed and jumbled. It reads like you’re just trying to dump as much information on us at once without even trying to make it into a coherent narrative, which doesn’t inspire confidence in the rest of the story. It is even more vital than usual for the first chapter to be an effective preview of the story in SYOC fic, as you need your readers to have a keen understanding of what tone and theme the story has if they are to have any hope of giving you a remotely usable character.

(On the interactivity issue, I believe the ban is specifically on stories that encourage interactivity through reviews, as that unfairly inflates review count. As long as you specify that submissions must be done through PM, you should be fine.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13042137/1/epic-pokemon-creppypasta

Trolling is supposed to be entertaining. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13041946/1/Pokemon-Harem-Love-Story

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

All sentences need to end in punctuation.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13041762/1/SPPf-Drabble-Collection

A drabble is a word for something written and edited to be precisely 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a term for any kind of short story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

I don’t see what this has to do with Pokemon.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13041611/1/The-betrayed-legend

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

This is a mess. You need to put effort into making your story comprehensible if you want people to read it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13041394/1/Et-In-Spiritum

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

At a certain point, you really need to ask yourself why you’re so uncomfortable admitting you want to write about an OC that you have to staple Ash’s face over theirs. Just write about your OC. Trying to force this to hit the same beats as canon to justify it being Ash will just cheapen the changes you’ve made and make the entire thing more boring as you take what could be an original plotline and hammer it back into the same shape as always.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Hi mom]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13041365/1/How-Dare-They

Just a heads-up that this isn’t showing up as anime fic, which means people searching for anime fic won’t see it. You should label this as anime to get more readers.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13041197/1/Lumiose-Pyroar-s-High-School

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Goodbye mom]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[He was standing and appeared to be around six foot six (6’6). Tall for a normal sized person.]

Giving exact measurements is actually less clear than more general descriptions, because people don’t have an immediate mental image for exact measurements. “Tall for a normal-sized person” would be a fine description to have on its own here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13046381/1/Pokemon-Sinnoh-Legends

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[Three trainers name Ash, Dawn, and Brock]

Looks like you meant to say “named” here.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[(A/N: As spiky as Sora from Kingdom Hearts)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

[Dream:]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

One Comment

  1. Raven says:
    How come you have two different messages about tagging gives as anime?  What decides which one you use?

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