[24] The Other Pokereviews, Part 88

The work continues. There is one fic set during the invention of the modern pokeball that looks like it might be interesting. Otherwise, not much of note.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12821960/1/Dream-Chasers

[Roxy, a young female ninetales, has been searching for the right trainer to own her.]

Um.

Okay, so. I really hope you realize this sounds like a setup for ownership kink porn, and in fact it’s really hard to interpret otherwise. If that’s what you’re going for, carry on. If it’s not, you should really rephrase this and possibly reevaluate a good chunk of your plot.

Roxy is a fully sapient creature in this, and you go on to explain that she can talk. Why, then, does a fully sapient creature want to be owned by someone? You can say that it’s not literal ownership, training is not slavery in your universe, etc., but then why is she thinking in these terms? Why is she defining her life by her owner and not just doing her own thing?

However, I appreciate that you aren’t capitalizing pokemon.

[Traveling the world isn’t easy. I’ve learned that over the years. Maybe it might be a good place to just rest…]

What is “it”? It’s generally not a good idea to open your story with unclear referrents.

[This wasn’t your everyday ninetales. “I wonder if there’s anyone nearby,” she murmured.

This ninetales could speak English.]

This reads awkwardly to me. If this was a comic book or movie, this might work, but in prose there’s too much of a mental transition between these bits. Moving “This wasn’t your everyday ninetales” to the following paragraph might read better.

[As a vulpix, she was always so sad that trainers couldn’t understand what their pokémon were saying. So she spent days, then weeks, then months, then years, learning English so that she could talk just like humans.]

Okay, so this ties into what I said earlier. If it’s possible for any pokemon to learn humanspeech, why doesn’t every pokemon do it? If talking pokemon are a known quantity, why does human society continue to treat pokemon like animals and not people when they are clearly and verifiably sapient? Why is it okay for one group of people to own and call the shots for another group of people? Talking pokemon are an enormous can of worms you shouldn’t open unless you have a very good explanation for why one group of people is being owned by another group of people. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142476358/1/Pokemon-Intelligence

[I think I like Todd. I don’t like battling.]

For instance, what does this mean? Would a trainer respect her wishes if she told them she didn’t like battling? You say earlier trainers didn’t like her because she refused pokeballs, which implies there is some communication going on here. But then, why is she phrasing this like her only option is to choose a master who won’t make her battle? You are portraying her as a person with her own wants and desires, yet everything is structured as if she’s completely dependent on humans.

[“That ninetales is mine!” he challenged, turning to face his brother.

“We should let her choose which trainer she’d rather have. That way it’s fair.”

“But it isn’t fair!” Eli wailed. “I just know she’ll choose you!”

“I would choose him!” Roxy snapped back. “You know why? Because Todd is actually sensitive to my feelings! I don’t like fighting. I don’t like being trapped in a pokeball. I know you would never let me roam free on my own. I know you would use me to fight. But I don’t want that! I want to be with Todd.”

She stood up, the pokeball that was once hidden in the grasp of one of her tails now in the palm of Todd’s hand.

“You really want me to have this?”

Roxy nodded. “It’s mine.”

“No fair! You get a rare, talking pokemon and all I have is a pidgeotto!”]

And here – Todd seems to be treating her like a person, but Eli is viewing pokemon as shallow commodities. Which behavior is standard in their world? If Eli were to capture Roxy against her will, would there be legal repercussions for it? If so, would the court value Roxy’s agency and testimony, or would it be treated as theft of Todd’s property?

You seem to be setting this up as a lighthearted sitcom-like story, but the truth is that the standard trainer setup just isn’t well-suited for that. There are too many thorny ethical questions and power imbalances present. If you’re going to do this you should use a heavily-modified trainer system that unambiguously treats pokemon like people (I recommend the fic “Gods and Demons: ad terminos terrae” for a good example of what this looks like), or perhaps branch out into a low fantasy original fiction setting where people have magic familiars or some such thing.

This is also rather insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is just a single scene, and hasn’t done much more than introduce the characters. The summary shouldn’t tell us more about the story than the first chapter does. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12822292/1/Alola-Destiny

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Non-story chapters are banned on this site, and a character list is unnecessary anyway.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12822292/2/Alola-Destiny

[NO CHILD PORN!]

Uhhh. I wasn’t assuming there would be, but the fact you felt the need to specify that suddenly makes me worried.

[Trainers are considered adults when they start their journey.]

And if this is your justification, you really need to rephrase it, because right now this sounds like you’re saying 10-year-olds are considered adults by their society, which does absolutely nothing to make this not child porn. If what you mean is that trainers start at 18 in your universe, you should really say that instead.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice. Also, this isn’t a prologue; please look up what the word means.

[Ash had just lost to Alain in the final battle in the Kalos League. He made his way out of the stadium to the PokeCenter. As he was waiting for his pokemon to be healed, Bonnie showed up with Clemont and Serena. He smiled at them.]

This sounds like a robot wrote it. You should try varying your sentence structure and experimenting with more complex sentences to make your prose more interesting. Check out books at your local library for some examples of how to do this.

Also, while I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon, you shouldn’t capitalize “pokecenter” either, for the same reasons.

[Besides, I miss dad.]

However, when a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[An Hour Later]

This isn’t a video game. You can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. The summary shouldn’t tell us more about the story than the first chapter. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

This has one review, which also found the no child porn marker suspicious. Interestingly, they did actually change it to specify Ash and Kiawe were 18, so good on them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12821446/1/The-Erotic-Weekend

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12821614/1/This-is-the-Greatest-Show

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Songfic is banned on this site, and for good reason.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12821617/1/Since-I-ve-No-Place-to-Go

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[On cold evenings, especially ones like tonight, he would walk from door to door and offer to light a fire for the Pokémon inside in exchange for a few coins or some food.]

Why don’t they have an automated system for this? They have clothes and buildings, but not gas lines or some way to channel elemental fire energy or, I dunno, flint? Their society seems pretty dystopic if they need to force kids to do this.

[One of the things he had been told before he started working was not to let any other Pokémon take away his business, even if they were Arceus Himself.]

There’s no indication Arceus is the high god or even a particularly important one. You don’t need to project Christianity onto everything. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[In practice, the Charmander had noticed that he seemed to have only one setting: meek. So while he was more often than not able to get a sympathetic ear from the Clefable, the Machoke dismissed his endeavors out of hand.]

If he’s providing an important service, why would anyone be dismissing him out of hand? You’re portraying this like it’s pity work, in which case why isn’t he doing something better? Even if this is some dystopia where he’s working for some ruthless mob boss, mob bosses don’t waste time training people in useless skills.

[How could it be anyone be afraid of it?]

Something went wrong with this sentence.

This seems really overwrought. The prose isn’t quite purple but it’s close, and it rather detracts from the bleak tension of the situation when you spend paragraphs describing everything in flowery similes.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12821617/3/Since-I-ve-No-Place-to-Go

[You can choose whether you want the happy or the sad ending. No judgments here.]

Yeah no. This is really obviously a Matchstick Girl plot where the sad ending is what really happened, so it’s really cheeky of you to claim this. If you wanted real ambiguity, you should have just stuck with the happy ending and left whether or not it was real up to interpretation.

Meanwhile, I’m distracted by the fact there is some kind of child slaver sending kids to their deaths and nobody seems to be doing anything about this in this supposedly idyllic world.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12823290/1/A-Comback

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[Breath.

That’s what everybody says before a race. Just breath.]

You want “breathe”. “Breath” is the noun.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader. Relatedly, while it’s reasonable to use special formatting to denote talking over a speaker, you should still include quotes; otherwise it looks like telepathy.

[his helmets communicator]

Missing apostrophe.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12822182/1/Pokemon-Chronicles-Champion-Island

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12822557/1/Pikachu-Knits-a-Scarf

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12822620/1/Pokemon-Sun-and-Moon-Rise-of-The-Ultra-Guardians

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

All sentences need to be capitalized, not just some of them. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12822022/1/The-Legendverse-Guide-to-the-Pokemon-of-Alola

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Co-written by Professor {name here} Kukui]

I’m not sure why you did this. You should either make up a name for him or just skip over the first name. No one would notice.

[In short, nowhere is more important for a Trainer to bond with and connect to their Pokemon than in Alola.]

This makes me roll my eyes. Everyone always says this about the most recent region. I guarantee you that next year everyone will be saying the same thing about the Gen 8 region. It’s totally understandable if you want to focus on the current generation, but trying to justify it in-universe always looks silly because these regions are clearly not literally being discovered one after the other in their world. This guy can be interested in Alola for reasons other than it being the objectively bestest most importantest region ever (or this could just be an excerpt or volume from a larger guide).

[Sadly, this region has only been recently “discovered” by modern science, and as such, most of their native Pokemon are relatively little-known to the rest of the world. After my wife, son, and I settled down in Alola after moving from Unova some years ago, I realized this and decided to write this guide to rectify that.]

Also, given the heavy themes of imperialism and colonialism present in Alola’s story, this does not come across as benign as you perhaps intended.

[White Hero of Unova]

And this is unintentionally hilarious for the same reasons.

[Affection: On average, Pokemon are intelligent beings with a level of emotional complexity on par with humans, and they are almost universally-known to form lasting bonds with their Trainers and/or close human friends. Building companionship with your Pokemon is the Trainer’s highest priority, and this section will describe what you can do to develop kinship with your Pokemon and how to tell when it returns your affection.]

This comes off as extremely cold to me. This sounds like it’s viewing affection only as a commodity to be mechanically courted for maximum benefit to the trainer, like a game mechanic. In an actually functional universe, people shouldn’t be viewing affection in the same way. I think it would be more logical to lump this under general behavior, caretaking, or “relationship with humans”.

[As in companionship between two humans, any emotional closeness a Pokemon has for its Trainer can quickly deepen to attraction. If applicable, this section will also confirm if a Pokemon has been known to forge a mutual romantic connection with its Trainer. Expect to see little discussion in the way of piscine, arthropod, or artificial Pokemon.]

Uh, why? We’ve seen piscine and arthropod pokemon display intelligence levels at or above those of their fluffier counterparts. This looks really transparently like you’re only into the more bangable pokemon, and therefore that this is even more transparently a fetish thing than usual. If you want to take this aspect seriously, you have to go big or go home.

[Go to a library or – Arceus forbid – search the Internet]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

In general, the tone here is waaay too informal for me to see this as a real travel guide. From a storytelling standpoint, that makes sense, but it might work better to change the framing device to something more informal, like his own personal notes.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12822068/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Magikarp-Life

Why do you have two copies of this story?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12822537/1/Second-Opinion

[“Commander Mars, what is that?” Cyrus asked. Mars was sitting on the settee, holding a small white packet. “Is it a state of the art memory key that can hold a TB of RAM?”

Mars giggled. “No, sorry Boss. It’s a new lip gloss that I bought”.]

Those two things look nothing alike. I don’t see how anyone could confuse them.

Punctuation goes inside dialogue quotes.

It seems you intended this to be amusing, but I just find it incredibly depressing. The way you’ve portrayed Cyrus makes him seem like a fundamentally broken human being who does not understand human interaction in the slightest, making this relationship doomed to failure.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12822628/1/love-hurts

[The original plan is to leave it on her porch.]

This should be in the past tense, as this plan was clearly formulated before the present moment.

[Won’t she figure out it’s me anyway? he thinks, footsteps setting a rhythm on the wood floor, Or what if she never learns and then thinks I didn’t get her anything?]

These are two separate sentences, so the narration here should end with a period.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

This is sweet. Gladion’s behavior strikes me as a bit silly, but I think it’s reasonable he’d become a bit more open to being flustered after the end of the game.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12823101/1/Nebulous-Charisma

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[his boss, whom there is more to than meets the eye…]

This needs a “to whom”.

The chapter dropdown menu pushes the first line of the story body over a bit, messing up your neat centering here. You can try adding a blank line break above it, but FFN’s text parser is nonsensically tyrannical and it may not be accepted.

[azure haired]

This should be hyphenated.

[Team Galactic had come a long way from being a criminal organisation bent on achieving the goals of one deeply troubled man. Now operating under Commander Saturn, the organisation was now putting its pursuits in the field of energy research towards the good of Sinnoh’s future]

Uh… Saturn was totally complicit in Galactic’s crimes. I know he ends up somehow not in jail at the end of the game, but “I was just following orders” is not actually a valid excuse. He still committed terrorist acts, attacked citizens, and tortured pokemon for the interests of Team Galactic. If anything, the fact he did all that without even knowing Cyrus’ plans makes him even less trustworthy, since it means he was willing to commit atrocities without even questioning what it was for. I would not trust any of his claims of “reform” for one second, and neither should Lucas, who was personally there for all of it.

[Of course, much like Lucas with his once profitable Pokémon egg farming scheme (which had led him to be stripped of his title of Sinnoh League Champion), the police had Team Galactic under watchful eyes, just waiting for them to step out of line again so that the long arm of the law could quickly apply a tight strangle hold to suppress any sort of new uprising of organised criminal activity.]

Again, they already committed organized criminal activity. It’s possible that maybe this is after Saturn’s already served his prison term, or he made some kind of bargain to preserve some of his holdings, but I cannot see why any government official in their right mind would let him go back to having any position of authority. At the very least, they ought to rebrand.

He also shouldn’t still be holding the rank of commander if this is no longer a military organization.

[there were times when he felt like a real Magikarp out of water around here]

The concept of fish in general still exists in the pokeworld. This is one case where you do not have to use the tortured alternative.

[It was only after facing the repercussions of his actions – namely, seeing his Ditto get taken into protective custody and having all remaining unhatched Pokémon eggs in his possession confiscated by the authorities – that he had been forced to wake up… and grow up.]

Hmm. This raises some interesting questions about law enforcement. You say his eggs were confiscated, but not his battling pokemon. Was he truly “forced” to do anything, then? If he had chosen to fight off the police with his epic-level battling team, what would have happened? Looker and Anabel do have champion-level teams in SuMo, but you can push pokemon much higher than that if we’re going by game mechanics. Lucas also has, you know, a god, which is still quite powerful even if we accept the conceit that pokeballs weaken its power. What does this society look like when impulsive teenagers have access to such godlike power?

I’m also wondering why this was his option for employment. Even if the authorities did take away his battling team, the games insist that the player characters have incredible natural talent even beyond their technical strength. The egg hatching scheme also implies he has a mind for business and exploiting cracks in the system, so it’s not like battling is even his only skill. Why is his talent being wasted as a lowly errand boy for this company? Was the scandal so widespread that absolutely no one else was willing to hire him despite his obvious talent? Even if so, if PR is a concern, I doubt the company of totally reformed definitely not plotting anything former terrorists would want to get anywhere near him. Why couldn’t he have moved to another country, or just laid low with his no-doubt substantial winnings from championing, as many celebrities do in real life? I would appreciate some more backstory here – what other options did he consider or attempt, why was he forced into this unlikely and specific situation?

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Abruptly ending in the middle of a scene isn’t a cliffhanger, it’s just annoying. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12823168/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Crest-of-Illusion

Your skill with English is not good enough to be writing stories at this time. This is incomprehensible. I recommend writing in your native language until you learn more English.

Also, non-story chapters are banned on this site. This should go in an author’s note above your first chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12823187/1/Flashbacks-and-Forths

It’s important to maintain proper grammar even in your author’s note, as it’s the first thing your readers will see.

I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Flashback]

This isn’t a video game. You can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12823276/1/Hoenn-murder-mystery

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[After Brendan is mysteriously killed His wife Jaime sets out to find the killer.]

“His” shouldn’t be capitalized here, and you should have more detail here. What makes this different from the quite literally thousands of stories with similar setups? What is Jaime going to find? Are there any interesting conspiracies or motives in play here? What is your story uniquely about?

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

[team magma]

This is a name, and should be capitalized.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[it’s pokeball]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Generally, this is a mess. You need to read up on proper grammar, and get a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12823296/1/Tenebris

[Zale King, a trainer just starting off, has a strong connection with water. Because of that, he decides to only train Water-type Pokemon on his Kalos journey. However, not everything will be all good for him, as a certain organization comes onto the scene and has a certain light-devouring Pokemon in their sights.]

This is pretty vague as a summary, and could describe a number of similar stories. Who is Zale and why should I care about his journey? What’s special about the organization and its motives? What themes will this story discuss? These are the kinds of details you should provide in a blurb.

If you’re interested in betas, there is a thread for finding beta readers here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[“The water has always been a second home to me,” a masculine, young voice spoke by a vast, very still body of water.]

“Spoke” is not a speech verb (yes, really!), so this would have to be rephrased.

I also don’t feel this is an effective opening line. You may have heard that dialogue is an effective story opener, and it can be, but it works better when it stands on its own. Immediately adding description of who said it and where they are just kinda looks like we’re cut off in the middle of a scene, and dilutes the effect. I think this would work better if you just had the dialogue on its own, then described the man and the water in the next paragraph.

[fifteen-years-old of age]

“-old” and “of age” are redundant; you only need one.

[Currently, this man, who was fifteen-years-old of age, was sitting at the edge of a dock, populated with boats of various sizes, with his legs hanging over, just staring off into the waters beyond.]

This is a monster of a sentence. It’s not a run-on, but it’s very disorganized and hard to follow, which is probably not a good choice for your second sentence. I’d advise dividing the description of the man and the description of the dock into separate thoughts.

[The water has always had a special place for this boy.]

So is he a man, or a boy? Your narration should be consistent about how it refers to people and things.

[Along with being classified as abnormal, these people happened to get assaulted-verbally and sometimes physically-because of the powers they had causing them to be different]

Hey, do you remember that time you and all the other young kids decided to bully the really big older kid who could beat you up? No? That’s because bullying generally involves beating on someone weaker than you. This is a common cliché but it’s a nonsensical one. People with superpowers are stronger than people without superpowers, and should be able to fight back against any normies stupid enough to bully them. The conceit doesn’t even work here, as you just said having powers used to be normal. If anything, it’s the people without powers who should have been bullied for being “different”. Think about what you’re writing.

Additionally, using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[another masculine voice called]

This is a really awkward and unnatural way to describe voices. Masculinity and femininity isn’t the first thing I think of when I hear new voices, and you don’t need to provide much description here when you identify the speaker in the next line anyway. In general, I’m not sure why you’re using this distant third-person-omniscient style to begin with. It’s fine if you just said “his dad called”, and would sound a lot more natural.

[The boy stood up straight and walked over to his dad, who was just getting out from a medium-sized white boat, who was looking at his son with a proud expression.]

You can’t repeat “who was” like this – I read this like reality stuttered and overwrote him getting out of the boat to looking at his son. Literally, it’s saying the boat is the one looking at his son. You should find a way to restructure this.

[His father also had a light skin complexion, with long, blonde hair. He was standing probably around six feet tall and was fairly built. His eyes were a deep blue color that almost resembled the sea. He wore a tight gray t-shirt and a pair of cargo shorts. He had black crew socks and black shoes on.]

Expo-dumping description like this is really awkward and grinds the pace of the story to a halt. You should try describing people as they’re doing stuff to keep the pace going, and you should consider what’s really vital to include and what can be glossed over – is it really important we know he’s wearing crew socks, for instance?

Also, you want “blond”. “Blonde” is the feminine form.

[“Swann swanna!?” the massive bird cried out upon being release. (Master, I was waiting for you to finally release me! But anyways, what can I do for you?)]

Including both the gibberish and the translation is unnecessary and looks very awkward. Readers will understand what’s going on if you write pokespeech in a different format. The story “Amnesia”, by Farla, has some good examples of how to handle this.

In general, this story just isn’t holding my interest. Your prose is very sterile and wooden, and feels very removed from the action. You should consider using a third-person limited approach that gets more into the thoughts and feelings of Zale.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12823373/1/Ebony-Roses

[dissapeared]

You want “disappeared”. Spellcheck.

[Mew utilized the powers bestowed upon it by Arceus to shape a planet; Earth. On Earth, Mew formed bits of its energy into a race now called humans.]

You want a full colon here.

I don’t think this matches up very well with the cosmology of the games. The Creation Trio has to create the structure of the universe first, and it’s Kyogre and Groudon that shape the planet. And while Mew is the ancestor of all pokemon, there’s no mention of it having any relationship to humanity – if it does, that means humans are genetically related to pokemon, which seems strange unless you’re specifically going to address that in the story.

[And so Arceus not only protected this planet, but enriched its ethereal color and beauty with its own abilities. He blessed the world with monsters that would play the role of guardians to the humans.]

So is Arceus an it or a he? You need to be consistent about these things. Also, pokemon kill humans. They make no sense as divine guardians.

[With these Pokémon came a rank of divine beings graced with strengths impassable. They could perform feats no other could, and were the literal breathing soul of the planet, born without fear nor doubt.]

I’m not sure you understand what “literal” means. You mean they are tied to the life of the planet itself?

[These gods were named Calluna, Carnea, Cruenta, and Canaliculata. For your ease, the birds were Ho-Oh (Calluna), Articuno (Carnea), Moltres (Cruenta), and Zapdos (Canaliculata).]

And you have chosen to deliberately confuse your readers because…?

[Calluna, being the strongest of the group, was put in charge of life on Earth. Calluna was why flowers grew]

The fire bird is why flowers grow. Really. You’re not even trying anymore. This has nothing to do with Pokemon. This reads like a setup for an original fantasy setting with Pokemon names swapped in – or not even, in this case. Publish this on Fictionpress instead of trying to pass it off as fanfic.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12825720/1/When-World-s-Collide-Part-1

[Years before the Pokémon we know, a young Samuel Oak witnesses the invention of the modern Pokéball, a brand new invention from Giovanni’s Rocket that changes the world forever. As his adventure continues, dark clouds begin to form over Johto as the Legendary Ho-Oh makes a shocking appearance to warn of the future.]

This reads like you were cut off mid-explanation. This describes the setup of the story, but while it does display some detailed concepts it doesn’t actually tell me much about the story itself. Why is the modern pokeball significant? What is Ho-oh warning about? What is Oak actually going to DO in this story?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[A bright spotlight shown onto the wooden stage]

You want “shone”. “Shown” is the past tense of “to show”.

[His voice boomed from the wooden speakers, crackling slightly as the sound waves shook the ground slightly.]

The sound should be bursting eardrums if it’s forceful enough to shake the ground. You also should repeat words and sounds (“slightly” here) in the same sentence, as it sounds awkward.

[“This is the Pokéball.” The man boomed once again]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[There was an ongoing rivalry between the regions apparently, any mention of the word Johto seemed to cause a negative reaction.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

Also, you’re using an omniscient narrator, so there’s no need for any “apparently”. Either there is or there isn’t, you should be able to tell us.

Are apricorn balls really unique to Johto? My knowledge of the anime is patchy, but I recall Kanto trainers mentioning them as well. I never got the impression they were a trade secret for Johto alone – that would conflict with the fact that pokemon battling is a longstanding tradition in all regions despite pokeballs being a modern invention.

[The man’s name was Giovanni, one of the Kanto’s brightest entrepreneurs who led the organisation known as Rocket.]

Unless you mean to imply the canon Giovanni is this guy’s son, the timeline doesn’t match up here, as Giovanni looks much younger than Oak. Giovanni also just really doesn’t strike me as a science guy – his dealings with Silph involved a direct takeover, and the Mewtwo experiments were incredibly secretive. He seems to only be interested in science inasmuch as it can directly benefit him. Pokeballs certainly do that, but publicizing them… less so. What motive does he have for democratizing power like this?

(Now, Lysandre, he’d be perfect for this – he even has a creepy obsession with aging and beauty, so that actually gives you a reasonable explanation for the age gap, too.)

[A regional training institution to teach trainers how to befriend and battle alongside Pokémon.]

This is a sentence fragment.

[People and Pokémon were closer than ever]

But not close enough to consider pokemon people, it seems.

[“The Pokéball is not for everyone, it’s expensive.” Giovanni explained, his white teeth glistening in the now gleaming moonlight from above. “Only those that join Rocket will have access to this technology, the future of Pokémon battling is now and you can join today!”]

…That’s pretty much the opposite of what expensive means. If it’s just expensive, the idle rich can buy up the whole stock without doing anything for Rocket. I think the word you’re looking for is “exclusive”?

And ah, okay, so he’s using this to entice more followers. That makes more sense, but it still seems pretty inevitable that the tech will get leaked. It strikes me as a wiser move to avoid a public announcement but just give it to your own soldiers. Apricorn balls are already a known quantity, so nobody will suspect anything from the outside. Publicizing it just lets everyone know what they’re up against.

[“W-what?” Is all Samuel could muster]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be too.

[However, deep down in his heart, Samuel sensed dread, but he couldn’t explain what it was.]

Seems pretty obvious to me? He’s going up against elite trainers, he’s nervous about losing.

[“Charmeleon, Slash it back! Come on!”]

So after all that talk about type advantages, he opens with a normal move? Charmeleon knows Flame Wheel if he needs a physical counter.

This is a pretty good opening overall. You’ve introduced a lot of interesting characters and elements, and the battle was well-written – you did a good job of including unusual tactics that really showed how the Rocket student was more skilled. Your prose is a bit wonky, though. Your dialogue and descriptions both feel a little hollow and meandering, like there’s not much emotional attachment to them. Clearing up your comma splices will help a little there, but you should perhaps focus more on Oak’s own perspective and his emotions in the situation. Try to make it clear that the narrator is him, and not just a dispassionate voice.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12823497/1/Pokemon-Ultra-SM

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. Don’t post until you have story content.

In English, there are not spaces before punctuation marks. I do not think your English skills are sufficient for writing a story just yet. I recommend writing in your native language for now, or getting a beta reader to help you. Beta readers can be found here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12824458/1/Too-Late

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[At the age of 16 now, Serena had outgrown her baby features and looked more exotic and eye candy worthy. Her chest had bloomed finely within few years and her face just got even more attractive than before.]

This description makes my skin crawl. This sounds incredibly objectifying and is defining her largely by her most sexualized features.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[(Scene Change- three days later)]

This isn’t a video game. You can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[It will decrease your love phase and we can move on.]

I see Serena has been killed and replaced with a robot. Very tragic.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

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