[24] The Other Pokereviews, Part 91

A lot of original fic, and a surprisingly dull ficlet about Ghetsis murdering the BW PC. Also another story about discovering pokemon; interesting that I got two of those so close together.

Anime fic: 3

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12841698/1/In-the-Twilight-of-Delta

[it’s last hope]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[And everyday she would pass by]

You want “every day”, two words. “Everyday” is an adjective.

[this is a sin that I can never relent]

“Relent” means to stop. I think you mean “repent”.

[“Courtney!”, she heard]

You don’t need the comma there.

[“Leave me… alone.” she whimpered.]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[-the less they knew the better-]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[My life circumstances had been terrible and I was stuck in a deep, dark and hopeless hole. The world, at least to me, was so cruel, masking itself in false beauty.

Hypocritical and rotten. Like an apple. Rotting from the inside out.]

So, you do remember that Magma was team “devastate the ecosystem to make room for humans”, right? Why would such a disillusioned cynic want to hitch her horse to that train? This sounds like a worldview more attuned to Team “drown it all” Aqua. This feels like it’s running into a “show, don’t tell” problem – you don’t give much detail about what exactly Maxie said that convinced Courtney or why it resonated with her, so this ends up feeling emotionally empty.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12841870/1/Brotherly-Bonds

[Three brothers just trying to live the best to their lives in the world after their “incident.” As the older two brothers try to so desperately hide the truth from their youngest brother who was too young to recall it. Together they find out truths about the “incident” and their lives. Join a gastly, haunter, and gengar who live knowing the secrets of the “incident.”]

This is incredibly vague. Without knowing what this “incident” is, I have no idea what this story will be about and no emotional investment in it. If you want the incident to be a secret, give us some other angle, such as the personalities of the brothers and why it’s a big deal for the youngest to find out. Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

I strongly recommend against using multiple POVs in the same chapter. The story will be stronger if you can structure it so that we learn everything we need to from one perspective.

[“I think we’re in the clear Kuro.” I said to my brother who was a white haunter with red eyes and was currently wearing a black sweater and gloves.]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Opening the story with excessive physical description is an instant turnoff. Do you see how rushed and awkward this sounds? This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested. At the very least, slow down and describe actions and physical details separately. You’re smooshing way too much together at once here.

[“Alright then I guess we can make a brand new start here somewhere.” Kuro stated.]

That’s not what stated means. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[“Umm hello?” Kyla questioned.]

Similarly, “questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

[with Pokemon living peacefully]

While I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing species, you shouldn’t capitalize the word “pokemon” either, for the same reasons.

[dad taught you]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

This is full of grammatical errors that make the story hard to follow. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12841878/1/Un-worthy-Trust

[Castelia city]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Castelia City”.

[Not every single detail will be the cannon]

You want “canon”. “Cannon” is the weapon.

[Arceus knows how long]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God” – or, since this is about time, why not Dialga? See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[his Serperior]

While I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself, species names aren’t capitalized either, for the same reasons.

[a bluenette]

Is not a word. You really shouldn’t be using anime hair colors in the first place, as they’re a visual trope.

[7 foot tall]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[(-o-) (-o-) Flashback (-o-) (-o-)]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[The brunette knelt down right on the edge of the hole]

You want “brunet”. “Brunette” is the feminine form.

[You’ve never failed me mom!]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[Hey, it’s the author here. How’s the story been? Boring? No cliffhanger or anything to give a hint about something? Well, I did think about doing that. But, let me just give you a short passage about what’s gonna happen in the future. Here.]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This story is very hard to follow. You’re dropping articles and the sentence construction is very strange and awkward. You might want to get a beta reader from here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12841914/1/My-Northstar

[Papararizes]

Spellcheck.

[A man named Giovanni who wants to take control of the world.]

No he doesn’t. He’s a crime lord. He just wants money. It’s only the other team leaders who have grand, world-spanning plots.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[It’s caves]

Typo.

[“My name is Ethan, but most people call me Gold!” He introduces himself.]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[How did you know?” I questioned]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

[I decided to ask for permission to enter his mouth by using my tongue to poke the lips of the male.]

This makes Red sound like a robot. No one but animal researchers actually call things “the male” or “the female”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12841927/1/Lucarious

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[A Pokémon grows up to be a socially awkward pain in the butt.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You’re bouncing between past and present tense, which is extremely disorienting. Pick one tense and stick with it.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12842124/1/Pokesmut

Non-story chapters are banned on this site, as are interactive stories if you’re accepting requests through review. If you need requests to start the story, put this in a forum post. You’ll get better coverage there anyway.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12842166/1/Fire-Ice

Italicizing all your dialogue is really distracting.

[It all happened so fast. The boy didn’t even have time to defend himself. One panicked scream and it was all over. There he stood, frozen solid, lost to the world forever.]

This tone feels emotionally bizarre. You’re clearly not going for beige prose, this is too detailed, but this is over so quickly I feel no emotion from it. This reads more like a summation of events than prose. If you want to make characters suffer you gotta wallow in it a little. Just because something happens fast in objective time doesn’t mean you can’t describe it in detail.

[Ghetsis only regret]

Missing apostrophe.

[“But if it had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate to say that for destruction ice is also great and would suffice.”]

This strikes me as kinda pretentious. The “ice” and “fire” in Frost’s poem are metaphorical – he’s wondering if the world will end through active violence or if it will waste away in cold bitterness and hatred. Ghetsis using ice as an active weapon is therefore more in line with Frost’s “fire”, making the poem rather irrelevant to the story.

And, likewise, there isn’t much here. So the guy we knew was evil did something evil, and the reason the irrelevant character is irrelevant is because he’s dead. Okay? That’s generally upsetting in the sense that all death is upsetting, but this doesn’t really say anything about the characters or setting.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12842252/1/A-Kiss-Between-Worlds

Trolling is supposed to be entertaining. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12842623/1/Walkabout

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[Based heavily on Pokémon: Yellow edition.]

Pokemon Yellow was in turn based heavily on the anime, so that’s a strange choice for a story about an original character. If you’re just basing this on the original games, Red and Blue might be more accurate.

[He didn’t have a hobby or a personal interest in anything, so there was little in his life that distracted him from his real issue.]

I find that hard to believe. Everyone develops interests. More importantly, think about what this is conveying to the reader, as this is our introduction to your main character. You’ve just told us he’s an incredibly boring person with no unusual interests or personality traits. That doesn’t inspire much interest in the story. You should flesh out your character and give him human facets beyond just his role in the plot – this will help us get more emotionally invested in him and his situation.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[The walls in their house were thin, usually their arguments were muffled and incomprehensible]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[Pallet town]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Pallet Town”.

[“Of course I’m worried, he talks to pokémon! Actually talks to them, and in public! He’s a freak!”]

Okay, so this raises some really interesting questions. Why are people upset at the idea of talking to pokemon? Everyone swears until they’re blue in the face that pokemon are friends, pokemon are equal partners, the current situation is so beneficial to both people and pokemon, etc. etc. And pokemon are clearly intelligent and can understand human speech. So why, then, would it be wrong to talk to pokemon? Why does that make someone a “freak”?

[The world around Blitz became a blur of green as a mixture of adrenaline and poison spread throughout his body, the disorganisation forced him onto all fours.]

I think you want “forcing” there, not “forced”.

[With the pokéball broken, a sensation surfaced in Blitz’s subconscious that he hadn’t felt in sometime.

Freedom, self-interest, instinct.]

You want “some time”, two words. Also, so… what, are pokeballs mind control?

[Trainer-pokémon relationships were stressful, or that was Blitz’s experience. The trainer would expect the world and more of the pokémon, and the pokémon was almost compelled to do as told. In fact, Blitz was starting to wonder if it was just a strong compulsion or literal mind control.]

So that’s a yes, then?

See, if you’re doing this, it makes your pokemon whisperers look evil. Most people, when they see people being enslaved by other people, are upset and try to do something about it. They don’t just keep on trucking as if nothing’s happening. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142476358/1/Pokemon-Intelligence

[Jason flinched on reflex at the sound of heavy banging on his front door. He hadn’t been expecting visitors and was wary of the unknown variable

currently waiting outside.]

Errant line break here.

[This was where Cody always led Jason when the former wanted to talk.]

Your prose is very stilted and mechanical. People don’t actually think like this. Referring to “the former” and “the preceding” items is something you can only really do when you have everything laid out on paper. In day-to-day thoughts, people don’t bother with that, they just think of things as they come.

Well, that ended abruptly. Ending your first chapter in the middle of a scene isn’t a cliffhanger, it’s just bad writing. This is our first impression of your story; it needs to be a full, contained thing that gives a clear idea of what the story is about and where it’s going.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12842768/1/The-Shadows-Reborn-A-Pokemon-FanFiction

[A young girl, setting out on her new adventure. When a darkness comes to power, will she be able to overcome her fears, befriend an unlikely ally, and save the Pokemon world, risking everything?]

Who is this girl, what is her adventure, what is this “darkness”, what are her fears, who is her ally? These are the things that will differentiate your story from the literally thousands with the exact same premise, and thus the things you should tell us. Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

A new speaker means a new paragraph. Not doing this makes your story too hard to follow.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12842957/1/lycanrocs-embrace

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

This is a mess. I should not have to tell you that names are capitalized. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12843009/1/The-World-of-Pokemon

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[As the vicious team Rocket begins executes its evil plans in the famed Locus region, a rookie begins his journey with his Rowlet.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Also, all parts of a name are capitalized, so it should be “Team Rocket”.

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. Don’t post until you have story content.

[I’m begging u for ideas so post them in the reviews]

Review-baiting: also banned. Don’t do this.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes. If you have concerns about this, take them here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-Ocs

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12843166/1/Rise-of-korotenshi

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[The being in front of her was a dark mass with to red eyes; the legendary pokemon Korotenshi.]

You want a full colon here, not a semicolon.

[West side of town; Professor Beach’s Lab]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

(Also, if you’re referring to the tree, you want “Beech”.)

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Coming, daddy.”]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[Vento island]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Vento Island”.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12843303/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Sun-and-Moon-Galaxy-Battle

While I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon, you should apply the same reasoning towards words like “island” or “region”.

[-X- Start of chapter -X-]

This really isn’t necessary. It’s just kinda jarring.

[-X- Change of scenery -X-]

This, similarly, is rather jarring. It’s best if you just use symbols and no text, as that’s unobtrusive.

[The kids play with eachother]

You want “each other”, two words. Also, the rest of the story is in past tense, so this section should be as well.

[Sol Galax]

Is a ridiculous name. People do name kids after the sun and moon, but “Galax”? Really?

[He is thirteen years old and is moving to the Alola Region. He wanted some time away from his family]

…And that’s legal? Minors are typically not allowed to live on their own.

[a bit to much for his liking]

You want “too”. “To” is a conjunction.

[thank Arceus]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[Melemele island]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Melemele Island”.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

I’ll stop pointing out grammar errors, but know that they’re very distracting. If you can’t catch them yourself, you should get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[The pokémon stayed with him until Shadow suddenly appeared and holded out his partner a dark red hoodie.]

Who, what? Even if this is meant to be a mystery, you need to describe this a little before just throwing it at us.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12843422/1/Carry-On

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, “mused” means to think aloud. It’s not a synonym for “thought”.

So I understand if you love personality quizzes. They can be fun to do yourself. But it’s not very interesting to see other people fill them out. They’re very simplified and reductive tests that don’t actually tell us much about the character. In a story, you’re better off actually showing the character traits you want to feature – show, don’t tell. Nobody will be confused if you just start off by saying they got their starters after taking a personality quiz and go on to show them having distinct personalities.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12843540/1/Be-OK

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[I have not played Pokemon Sun and Moon for a very long time. Please forgive me for any inaccuracies!]

You live in the Information Age. If you’re uncertain of a detail, look it up.

[I was allowed to keep him after I was presumed to be “special” by my island’s kahuna, Hala.]

For instance, he gives starter pokemon to everyone, not just special people. You may have gotten this mixed up with z-rings?

[Too bad that at the time I was just a bored fifteen year old looking for something to do.]

She was also 11 during the games.

[We’ve been through everything together, including taking down Team Skull’s boss multiple times.

Ugh, I shudder just thinking about that guy. He hated me for existing.]

Nooot… really? He fought her on Lusamine’s orders, and bailed once she was out of the picture. He’s angry at the PC in the endgame, but that’s because she broke up his gang, not for no reason. And if he did hate her just for “existing”… uh, he might have a pretty good reason for that. Read between the lines of Team Skull a little.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Cutting out in the middle of a scene isn’t a cliffhanger, it’s bad writing. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12843668/1/Heroica-Legends-An-Undesired-Hope

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[This little Popplio knew that, and yet, he stumbled along the crag with an uncomfortable hop in his step, making far more noise with his walking that he should have. He was sweating a lot and kept his face screwed up, focused on keeping his grip on a heavy sword that he carried. He had to use both hands to hold it, leaving his tiny flipper feet to do the hard work of keeping him moving.]

You’re writing like this is a human setting, where people often are covered in clothes but have bare hands that can easily bend and grasp things at chest height. If you’re going to write about pokemon characters you need to think about all the ways they’d function differently.

[He had to catch and defeat it without using a Pokémon attack – that was his training mission for today.]

Like – why would they care about this? Pokemon attacks are, by all appearances, as strong or stronger as any physical weapon. I know you say in the summary that they’re losing the ability to use their powers, so I presume that has something to do with this, but something like a sword implies a long history of metallurgy and tool use, which thumbless creatures should not have. (Unless this harvested from a steel-type’s claw, or something.) It would make more sense to say that they can’t use elemental attacks but can still use physical ones.

[loosening his grip on his sword. Its weight made him almost drop it as a result, so he used it to keep himself upright instead.]

And you even go on to show that the sword is incredibly impractical for him too. What advantage does it confer compared to a good old tackle or body slam?

You don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[a paper thin cut that ran along it from the tips of his flippers to his shoulders. Blood gushed from the wound’s tiny gap]

It’s kinda hard for something to gush from a thin gap. “Spray”, maybe, if the cut was deep and the blood is under high pressure, but thin cuts tend to ooze more.

[Stay awake,” Primarina ordered]

Is his dad’s name literally “Primarina”?

[“It’s probably some beasts going haywire. Only Poipole occupy the village, after all,” Primarina guessed]

You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[“… Bestia,” Primarina continued to ignore him.]

And when narration doesn’t contain a speech verb, it’s a separate sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [“… Bestia.” Primarina continued to ignore him.]

So does the healing fountain not operate on bestia energy? If the energy is tied to the land, it sounds like it should.

[By learning to fight unlike a Pokémon – by using a conventional weapon]

“Conventional” by whose standards? Are there humans in this world? To a pokemon, fighting with magic should be convention.

[The teddy bear-like creature]

Similarly, teddy bears are a human invention. Lucca shouldn’t know what this is unless there are humans here.

I’m not sure how well this works as Pokemon fanfiction. You may have greater ties planned, but so far, there doesn’t seem to be any part of this you couldn’t transplant to an original fantasy setting – you’ve purposefully removed pokemons’ unique magical powers, and you have them fighting like humans despite the fact they lack opposable thumbs and shouldn’t be able to. This otherwise seems like a pretty standard fantasy plot. You may want to look here to consider your options: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12843782/1/In-Pursuit-of-Greatness

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[incase anyone needed me]

You want “in case”, two words.

[“Go Ursaring.” She calls]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You’re dropping a lot of commas. I recommend reading up on punctuation use and sentence structure.

[His hyper beam blasts right at her but she dodges it. She slips a bit in the snow and that was her downfall; the second hyper beam hit her head on and she flew back.]

The entire point of Hyper Beam is that it requires a recharge. This is ludicrous and makes it look like Mike is godmodding.

[You’re goal]

You want “your”. “You’re” means “you are”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12843939/1/Pokemon-Might-of-the-Wing

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Non-story chapters are banned. Don’t post until you have story content.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12844039/1/Pokemon-Diaster-of-Legends

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[Smart!Ash MoreEdgy!Ash Serious!Ash *Different Starter*]

At a certain point, you really need to ask yourself why you’re so uncomfortable admitting you want to write about an OC that you have to staple Ash’s face over theirs. Just write about your OC. Trying to force this to hit the same beats as canon to justify it being Ash will just cheapen the changes you’ve made and make the entire thing more boring as you take what could be an original plotline and hammer it back into the same shape as always.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Not using commas makes me not want to read your story. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12844084/1/Roving-Degenerates-with-Dangerous-Pets

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

You shouldn’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Quit it.” said one of them to the scraggy]

You want a comma there, not a period.

This ends quite abruptly. Though the chapter is substantial, I still don’t see where the story is going in terms of the greater plot.

It’s interesting to explore the idea of historical pokemon. The legends in the Japanese regions imply humans have been raising pokemon since ancient times, though it is possible to argue things were different in Europe. It looks like you’ll be delving into the details of what exactly pokemon are and what distinguishes them from animals, which is an interesting subject.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12844117/1/Tales-of-Emerald

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[a hallway was suddenly flooded as Sapphire surfed on her Kyogre]

How is maintaining the building remotely possible if this sort of thing happens regularly? It would be one thing if they have a port or large tank, but they flood the regular hallways for this? And Kyogre is massive – its HEIGHT is more than twice that of a human’s, so just imagine how wide it is. Do they have hallways the size of football fields?

[the three legendary dogs]

Raikou is a tiger and Suicune is a deer. “Legendary beasts” is the popular term.

[Diamond and Pearl controlled time and space, and Platinum controlled some weird pocket dimension that sort of spilled over into our world sometimes…]

Okay, see, we’re running into some power scale problems here. In most fantasy settings that use this kind of familiar setup, familiars are usually minor creatures, at most equal in power to their masters. Not gods. When there are people who literally have gods at their beck and call, we completely lose all sense of scale. More minor gods like the birds and beasts can be reasonable as an upper limit, but the creators of time and space? I can’t see how there can possibly be any tension to this story unless you are pitting them against opponents who are even more mind-bogglingly overpowered.

[but mom was]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[He was off upgrading the kingdom, combining his psychic powers with technology in order to revolutionize how we interact with our environments. We tested some of the technology here in the castle. Not gonna lie, it was pretty cool stuff. There were floating holographic panels that could do all sorts of things like show you a map or let you communicate telepathically with someone on the other side of the kingdom.]

Why are you telling us this now, in the middle of a completely unrelated scene? If it’s relevant to the plot, you should bring it up when it becomes relevant, especially because then we can see it in action. Show don’t tell, and all that.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Let us thank Arceus for the meal.”]

Arceus is not the Judeo-Christian God and playing find-and-replace with it sounds ridiculous. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[Arceus shaped the world in a time and place where there was nothing. He made everything we had, and linked us to our Pokemon, so we prayed to him. Sometimes he actually came to visit. Arceus was a giant four legged, white Pokemon. He never did much of anything, just came to survey us and eat our food offerings.]

Every sentence of this is actively contradicted by canon, for instance. Arceus did not shape the world. It shaped Palkia and Dialga and outsourced the work to them, then decided that was a job well done and went to sleep. If there’s any mythic figure that bonded humans to pokemon, it’s definitely not Arceus. And given that Arceus was too busy sleeping to do anything about a madman abusing its children to destroy the universe, the idea that it’s regularly visiting this unrelated region is baffling.

Look. Pokemon canon is not a blank slate you can just find-and-replace with your original fantasy terms. If you want to adapt your original ideas into the Pokemon universe, you need to actually make them mesh with canon. If you want to write a story about royalty being bonded to a god-monster pantheon headed by Totally-not-the-Judeo-Christian-God, that’s great! But it’s not Pokemon, so please don’t post it here. Fictionpress and Archive of Our Own have sections for these things. If you’d like to talk about this, please look to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12844314/1/The-Pokemon-Master-Couple

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You don’t need to give an overview of the setting. Everyone here is already familiar with Pokemon.

[People and Pokemon]

So pokemon aren’t people?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12844397/1/My-friend-my-mate

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[I watched as the ninetales drank from the fresh water stream]

The fire-type drinks water?

[She always seem to know when I come to take a drink from the stream, I tried mixing the time I come here but she always seem to show up.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[…FLASHBACK…]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

This is riddled with grammatical errors that make it a chore to follow. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

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