https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12018279/1/Pok%C3%A9Protectors
You don’t need to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.
[Sinnoh High School]
How is there one high school for an entire country?
[16 year old]
This should be hyphenated.
[Gareth Gallebe, a 16 year old boy with teal-green hair, yellow-orange eyes was hiding in the library from a swarm of fangirls looking for him, he was wearing his usual outfit; a white button-up shirt with a dark green business jacket on top, white business pants and green shoes.]
This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. Also, you want a full colon there, not a semicolon.
[History]
Is not a proper noun and therefore should not be capitalized.
[He was about to leave for a different isle]
You want “aisle”. An isle is an island.
In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.
This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This feels like the setup for the inciting event, but the inciting event should occur in the first chapter.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12018403/1/Truth-and-Ideals
[I don’t know.]
No. Take one minute to make a summary instead of forcing readers to click through to see if this is even something they want to read.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12018622/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-Energetic-Evolution
Why are there spaces before every piece of punctuation? Are you a nonnative speaker? You don’t have to do that in English.
You need to separate your author notes with a horizontal line, otherwise they look like part of the story.
[1. The Beginning]
You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.
Using ‘ for dialogue is nonstandard; I would recommend “ instead.
[*Flash*]
This isn’t a comic book. Describe these effects.
[- ‘Waaaah !’]
Ah, I’m guessing you are a nonnative speaker? In English prose, dash indents aren’t necessary to signify dialogue. If you’re really determined to write in a language as difficult and confusing as English, I would recommend you get a native speaker to help you.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12018725/1/The-Shogun-of-Ransei
[And im not English or American. So, i apologize for some typo or things i don’t know in english.]
I’m sorry, but this story is so riddled with errors it’s unreadable. English is a very difficult language to master; if you really want to write in it instead of your native language, I would recommend you get a native speaker to help you. Try looking in this thread: https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
Also, you should separate your author notes with a horizontal line so they don’t look like part of the story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12018902/1/Falling-Dusk
You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.
Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12019294/1/Intertwining-Fates
You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.
[like a pack of Mightyena’s]
Apostrophes aren’t used for plurals. Also, you wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Sneakers scrabbling for some form of purchase a grunt escaped my lips as I struggled to pull myself up over the cliff face.]
I can’t make sense of this. I think you dropped a comma and possibly some words.
[The sound of fighting was all consuming and raucous; an angry Ninjask, from some stupid Pokemon hunter, attacking my Greninja.]
This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace a semicolon with a period and the resulting sentences should still make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This is just a single scene, which doesn’t tell me much about what the story will be about.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12019873/1/Rainbow-Feathers
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[even the edges of my white spotted blue skirt had mud trailing its torn and ripped edges]
You seem to have lost track of your sentence here. Even the edges had mud trailing from its edges?
[The only unblemished items on me where my brown belt with attached bag, Pokéballs, and a small, rainbow hued feather I always had inside my bag in one of many storage holders. Even my glasses, thick though they were, had mud on them.]
It seems weird that something on her waist would have less mud than a tiny object on her face, where she should be making the most effort to avoid things.
[Charry cooed]
Though it’s obvious from context, you don’t explicitly say this is the charmander’s name, which is a bit confusing.
[“I’m fine… What did I trip over though?” I questioned.]
“Questioned” is what police do; think “interrogated”. It’s not a synonym for “asked” or “wondered”.
[After much struggle, it came from]
???
[I sighed collapsing by its side]
You need a comma after “sighed”.
[It is said the first thing a young Pokémon sees upon hatching is its mother however this is not the case.]
Similarly, you need a comma after “mother”. You’re making a lot of comma mistakes in general. I recommend getting a beta reader to help you.
[Pokémon eggs are usually abandoned in the wild if it remains small and grey for more than six weeks after being laid.]
That should be [if they remain], since you start the sentence talking about a plural.
[Three days a sufficient care]
“of sufficient care”
[kits..”]
Ellipses are always three dots, never two or four.
[~The Next Morning~]
This is jarring. Generalized scene breaks are better; times and locations should be obvious from context.
[Bright, indigo orbs stared into my own.]
Calling eyes “orbs” is extremely forced and awkward. Just call them eyes.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12019889/1/Pokemon-Adventures
Please provide an actual summary.
Nonstory chapters are banned.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12019906/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Yellow-Rescue-Team
You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do it for you.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12019970/1/Chronicles-From-The-Lost-Region
[“*TuckaTHUCKtuckaTHUCKtuchka*!”]
Why does this have quotes? You shouldn’t be writing out sound effects anyway; this isn’t a comic book.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or magnet train.
[stood at 5’10”]
How does she know this? Does she have a ruler?
You’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.
[“… Was there an option to take them with us?” Kibidana questioned.]
“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.
[-Seven Months Later-]
This is jarring. Standardized scene transitions are better; time and place should be obvious from context.
The opening here is very dry, and my eyes glazed over quickly. Going into that level of detail just introducing the characters is tedious for the opening of a story. It’s better to get straight to the point, and space out relevant details over time.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12020135/1/The-Very-Best
Centering text makes it difficult to read.
[Their calling me!]
You want “they’re”. “Their” is the plural possessive.
[cylindar]
“Cylinder”. What word processor are you using? Microsoft Word and similar derivatives should catch this.
Your tenses are inconsistent. This is highly distracting and disorienting.
Your dialogue formatting is inconsistent. The standard rules still apply even if dialogue ends with a question mark or exclamation point.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12020472/1/The-hidden-legend-of-Ho-Oh-Pokemon-Heartgold-Nuzlocke-fanfic
Your title isn’t fully capitalized.
You appear to have run afoul of a formatting error. Preview your story before posting it.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12020485/1/Rusky-s-Hoenn-adventure-s
Centering text makes it difficult to read.
Nonstory chapters are banned.
[[text]-Authors message]
You should not be putting author’s notes in the middle of your story. It does nothing but jar the reader out of the experience.
This is a mess. You need a beta reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12020952/1/Pokemon-Solblaze
Your title is misspelled.
You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do it for you.
This is incoherent. You need a beta reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11997751/2/Pok%C3%A9-Rangers-Elemental-Fury
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part iis/i considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[Xerneas used it powers]
Typo.
[the 4 terrified humans]
In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.
When you quote inside a quote, you use single quotes instead of double quotes; otherwise, the reader will be confused about where the dialogue ends. (If you quote inside a quote inside a quote, you go back to double quotes.)
[Meanwhile at an unknown location]
This is jarring; you’re better off using generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be obvious from context.
[“You guys heard that too, right?” Kara questioned.]
“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12021467/1/Psychic-Mistress-Rise-of-the-Ultimate-Trainer
[‘Telepathy (Targeted)’]
Using single quotes for dialogue of any kind is awkward. It’s best if you just use italics. You could also just make thoughts normal text, or use a different marker. I’ve seen another fic use forward slashes for this.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
[the new trainer’s first step on their journeys.]
Plural possessives put the apostrophe outside the S.
[A twelve year old girl]
Trainers start at ten in canon. This means that there will be no tension to your story, as if a ten-year-old can handle the challenges of a pokemon journey just fine, someone with extra years of life experience definitely will. Difficulties and complications are the stuff stories are made of.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[‘Yes, my Mistress,’]
The same logic applies to titles.
Also, why is he so slavishly devoted to her despite having human-level intelligence? Is this unique to him, or are all pokemon this passive? If pokemon can communicate, that majorly changes the dynamic between them and their trainers. I would recommend reading this discussion on the topic: https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/142476358/1/Pokemon-Intelligence
[~Flashback: Six years~]
This is jarring. It’s a better idea to use generalized scene transitions; time and place should be obvious from context.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[Her father never found her gifts as amusing as she did.]
Why is her father so unimpressed by awesome supernatural powers, especially when those powers are fairly standard in this world? This seems like a really contrived way to provide misery for misery’s sake.
[Aura!Psychic!Fem!Ash.]
Look, if you want to write an OC, just write an OC. Calling your OC Ash does not make her Ash.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12021585/1/The-Evolution-of-Friendship
[(Sorry I’m not that good at summaries)]
This is unprofessional, and a self-fulfilling prophecy: If you don’t have faith in your abilities, neither will your readers. Honestly this is a decent summary as-is.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.
That ended abruptly.
Battles aren’t inherently interesting; if you’re going to have a battle-centric story, you need heavier stakes that the standard badge quest. This topic discusses the issue in greater detail: https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/143300790/1/Battles-Are-Boring
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12021626/1/Kanto-Arc-Now-This-Is-Just-Dumb
[(Self insert story. I apologize but this story is likely terrible.)]
This is unprofessional, and a self-fulfilling prophecy: If you don’t have faith in your abilities, neither will your readers. If you think it’s bad, keep revising until you’re comfortable with it.
[‘Cold? Grass?!’]
Using ‘ for thoughts looks too close to the “ used for dialogue, and thus makes it look like characters are talking out loud. Just italics is standard.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12021639/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Heroes-A-Collection-of-Champions
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Your summary contains run-on sentences. I’d recommend you read up on comma usage and/or get a beta reader to help you.
You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do it for you.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Your tenses are inconsistent, which is extremely jarring and distracting. Pick past or present and stick with it.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12021739/1/Legendary-PKMN-Viktory
You don’t need to label chapters in the story, FFN will do that for you.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This doesn’t have anything to do with Pokemon. Just because you’re giving your OCs the names of canon characters doesn’t make them canon characters.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12022582/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Into-The-Dark
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or team
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[May the Skitty’s fate is seal when she meets Abby]
“sealed”
[Now, May and Abby form and Rescue/Expedition Team]
“a rescue/expedition team”
Making that many errors right off the bat makes me not want to read your story. Put a little effort into checking that what you just wrote makes sense.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12022850/1/Pokemon-Late-Bloomer
Using an older trainer broadcasts that there will be little to no tension to your story. If a ten-year-old can handle the challenges of a pokemon journey just fine, someone with six extra years of life experience definitely will. Difficulties and complications are the stuff stories are made of.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Your tenses are inconsistent, which is very jarring and distracting. Pick past or present and stick with it.
[Meanwhile, on the top of a mountain]
This is pretty jarring; it’s best to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be obvious from context.
[your wondering]
You want “you’re”. “Your” is the possessive.
[As for whether or not Nite will have traveling buddies, I’m still thinking about that.]
That’s really something you should have already decided on before starting a large story.
There’s nothing here that makes this story stand out from the crowd. There are literally thousands of fic that cover the same basic opening. If you have a plot or unique idea that makes your story interesting, you should start there; you’re not required to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. (It should also be noted that the standard badge quest is not a plot.)
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12021931/1/Countless-Shades-of-Blue
I’m sure you think a torrent of swears is the height of cleverness, but everyone else has had the same idea since fandom first started. It’s just kind of puerile at this point.
[-It’s not just the feral mon, Red. Statistically, your chances of getting butt-raped by a hobo decrease dramatically for each year you age past eleven. At sixteen, the odds start reversing: and hobos are more likely to get butt-raped by you, than you are by them.]
And that goes double for this.
Why are there dashed indents every other line? That makes it look like there are two people talking, but that doesn’t seem to be the case, so it’s just confusing.
This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. You have an unusual storytelling style on display and the hints of a plot, but you do nothing with them. A single one-sided conversation does not a chapter make.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12022821/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Super-Mystery-Dungeon-Team-Techno
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This is so riddled with errors it’s virtually unreadable. You need a beta reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12022973/1/Friendship
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Nobody was showing up at this time of night (midnight, to be exact) to drop off Pokemon,
so]
You have a lot of extra line breaks, like here. Sometimes, formatting errors occur if you copy the story over from a word processor. You should preview your story to catch errors like this.
[it’s bed]
You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.
[Since his parents were a little more protective than others (as well as having common sense)
they told Mike he couldn’t go on such a journey until he was smarter and more mature; at least fourteen.]
Regardless of how little logical sense it makes to us, it is canon that ten-year-olds successfully make the journey all the time. (Also, you don’t need to journey to raise battle pokemon – there are preschooler trainers in the games.) Their fear is baseless. All they’re doing is depriving him of potential experience and ensuring he becomes a laughingstock as he loses to people three years younger than him.
Furthermore, there are narrative considerations here. An older trainer going on the standard journey means that there will be no tension to your story: if a ten-year-old can handle the challenges of a pokemon journey just fine, someone with four extra years of life experience definitely will. Difficulties and complications are the stuff stories are made of.
[One day, Mike’s father went out. Before that, he told him something.
“I love you, Mike. No matter what happens, don’t grieve for me. Stay strong, and you’ll do great things one day. I know you will.”]
And this just makes it even more nonsensical. They’re so overprotective they won’t give him training in a skill he can use for self-defense from whatever thing keeps picking off his family, but they’re okay with leaving him an orphan and completely vulnerable to whatever killed his parents, again with no means of self-defense? The smart thing to do would be to push him towards the journey so he could get strong as early as possible.
[But not a day goes by that he doesn’t wonder what it would be like if he could go on a journey.
After all, Kanto is a huge place, with tons of Pokemon to discover. And that’s just one out of seven regions.
With over 700 possible Pokemon to discover.]
…And this is all he cares about, not the fact that his parents died under extremely suspicious circumstances and he could be next? How is he even surviving? It’s pretty unusual for a young teenager to successfully manage a business all on his own.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[You take this egg, and you promise me you will keep it away from them.]
Who is “them”? Outside of movies, dying people are generally not stupid enough to speak in useless crypticisms when they can provide actual information.
[fastly approaching]
“Quickly”. “Fastly” is not a word.
[“Hey…this is a daycare! Maybe he left it here?” One of the men said. “Should we look?”
“Are you crazy? That shot must have rang out for miles. There’ll be people crowding here any second.
We have to go. If there’s anything there, we can look later. Let’s go.”]
This is incredibly contrived. If the gunshot was such a problem, why didn’t they search before killing the man? You could easily justify this by saying they started to search but the man tried to attack them, necessitating the gunshot. And yes, a daycare is a painfully obvious place to hide an egg. The man really didn’t think this through.
Ellipses are always three dots, never two or four.
Still, at least things are happening and it looks like you have a plot, if a somewhat cliché one.