https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12033302/1/Pokemon-No-way-out

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

Your summary is a breathless run-on sentence, which makes it nearly impossible to understand. You need to read up on proper comma usage and/or get a beta reader to help you.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or target.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You don’t need to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.

[Black clouds sprawl across the sky]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[the land of Joto]

“Johto”. Look up game terms if you’re not sure how they’re spelled.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Speaking of which, you should probably italicize the thoughts here. Otherwise, they look like part of the narration.

I will say this: you’re good at getting to the point within the first chapter. Most stories don’t bother to include a plot hook this early, or ever.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12033326/1/The-Power-of-Two

Your summary is incoherent. You need to read up on proper comma usage and/or get a beta reader to help you.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[(thinking)

“Speaking”

‘Telepathy’

Flashback – but not the entire story if its a entire flash back]

I guarantee you you do not need this key. If readers can’t understand basic actions from context, something has gone very wrong.

Also, parentheses are not good demarcation for thoughts. Italics or no marking at all is standard. In addition, using “ and ‘ to mean two separate things is a bad idea, as they look extremely similar. I would advise using the same notation as thoughts, or using a more distinct symbol such as slashes.

As for the story itself, not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12034252/1/Tighter-bonds

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This is incoherent. You need a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12034337/1/Cloober-and-Sakura

Roleplays do not generally make for good story ideas. Also, they (along with script format) are banned on this site.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12034592/1/Pokemon-fusion

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

This is completely incoherent. You need a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12034697/1/Pokemon-XYZ-Legend-Of-The-Aura-Keeper

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

[It was always so bright it Anistar City.]

Typo.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[(Time skip)]

This is jarring and awkward. It’s better to use generalized scene transitions; time and place should be obvious from context.

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12035181/1/The-Pantheon-Comes

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. If you’re confused on the full rules, they’re: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[cause I’m]

That “cause” needs an apostrophe, ’cause it’s a contraction.

[cause I’m not 100% sure where I’m going with this right now.]

That’s not very encouraging. If you haven’t planned in advance, I guarantee you this story will crash and burn. I’ve seen it happen too many times to count. If you don’t know where things are supposed to end up or what you want out of the story, you won’t be able to foreshadow things or keep details consistent, and your plot will likely become a tangled mess when you get new ideas and have to radically alter the course of the story. Here is an example of this happening to another author, and a discussion on how to avoid it: https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/143363660/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-2

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.

[Violet city]

“City” needs to be capitalized here, since it’s part of the name.

[Zoe ran a hand through her hair, she still hadn’t gotten used to the length]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. Your comma usage is wonky in general, which makes to story hard to follow in places.

Other than the grammar errors (you might want a beta reader), this is decent. You manage to introduce the characters while still having interesting events happen that hint at a greater plot.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12035281/1/Miraia-A-Pokemon-Journey

I see you’re using an older trainer. Consider that this implies there will be no tension to your story. If a ten-year-old can handle the challenges of a pokemon journey just fine, someone with four extra years of life experience definitely will. Difficulties and complications are the stuff stories are made of.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

[Her mother had kept her from receiving one when she was ten.]

Why?

If Carmen wants pokemon so badly, I don’t understand why she never took matters into her own hands and caught one herself. Handouts aren’t the only way to get pokemon; there are preschoolers with pokemon, and many trainers, such as the bug catchers, explicitly say they got their pokemon just by wandering around the wild.

[“OH MY ARCEUS, CARMEN!”]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to assume they have a religion like Christianity and just use “God”.

[it’s shell]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[Carmen had the ability to talk to and understand Pokemon. As abnormal as it sounds, the ability used to be rare, but has become more and more common. Carmen’s mother also had the ability.]

Woah that is not something you can just casually drop in as a minor background detail. Knowing that pokemon have humanlike intelligence and communication should turn their society upside-down and radically change the relationship between humans and pokemon. If pokemon are sapient beings perfectly capable of making their own decisions, the typical trainer dynamic starts looking uncomfortably like slavery.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12035644/1/Area-Unknown

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[he is not the only one trying to go back to earth…]

“Earth” should be capitalized here, as it’s a name.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[He was due to leave Afghanistan in a week, and he had been looking forward to it, the sun seemed to be judging him, silently.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. You have many similar errors throughout, which makes your story hard to follow. I’d advise reading up on comma usage and/or getting a beta reader to help you.

[(DIARY START)]

Don’t do this, it’s incredibly jarring and unprofessional. Standard practice is to italicize writing.

Your tenses are inconsistent, which is extremely jarring and distracting. Pick past or present and stick with it.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Well, that ended abruptly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12035795/1/The-First-Three-Pok%C3%A9heroes

[Pokespeech: “Doge”

Normal Speech: “Doge”

Thoughts: “Not this, Doge”]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong. In particular, it’s a bad idea to use bold for standard actions, as it’s rarely used in prose and thus extremely jarring. I would recommend using different symbols, such as {}, instead. Using quotes with thoughts is also a bad idea, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud. Italics and no quotes is standard.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Drake asked speaking into the radio.]

This needs a comma after “asked”. You’ve got many similar errors throughout, and it makes the story hard to follow. I’d advise reading up on comma usage and/or getting a beta reader to help you.

[Time Skip…]

This is really jarring. It’s better to use generalized scene transitions; time and place should be obvious from context.

All sentences need to end in punctuation, not just some of them. This story is really hard to follow due to grammar errors. You need a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12036480/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-The-Shroud-of-Darkness-Rewrite

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.

This is really hard to follow. Is this a sequel to another story? I have no idea what’s going on.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12036564/1/Pokemon-Next-Generation

[Sorry I still suck at summaries]

Then learn how to write them instead of apologizing. Summaries are really not hard. Take one minute to slap something together instead of forcing readers to click through your story just to see what it’s about.

The story itself is incoherent. You need a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12036653/1/Pokemon-BW-Dual-Destinies

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or legendary. Or heroes.

You don’t need to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.

[A face came to a lab wearing black jeans with red sneakers, a blue jacket and a red hat.]

So, there’s a floating disembodied face wearing all of those? Pay attention to what you’re writing.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[i was just about to]

Proofread.

Well, that ended abruptly.

Rehashing the game’s opening isn’t terribly interesting, even if you add a few extra characters who are all basically the same. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. If you don’t have a plot, think of one, because stories need plots. (It should be noted that the standard badge quest is not a plot.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12036904/1/Alexander-s-Search-for-Xernes-Moemon-Adventure

[This is a Moemon story I have created in hopes to bring enjoyment as much as some of the other Moemon stories have for me. It will include lemons(perhaps not as heavy as some), and I think a fair amount of plot. If you read, please let me know what you think!]

This is a poor summary. This kind of technical information should be included in your author’s note. The summary is for what this story, specifically, is about. Do you have a plot or idea that makes this story stand out from the crowd? Put that here instead.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[lemons(perhaps]

Also, parentheticals require spaces.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[if your that tired]

“You’re”. “Your” is the possessive.

[the last 2 years]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[The Professor was an expert with Moemon, who were mysterious girls with distinct traits, powers, and capabilities in this world. People who were legal adults were allowed to essentially own them, for whatever purposes they wanted.]

Wow that’s incredibly creepy. Is this story going to address the fact that you have suddenly thrown in creepy girl slavery or is this just going to be a background element?

[He didn’t officially own a Moemon himself simply because he had busied himself with assisting Professor Sycamore for the last 2 years.]

So your protagonist is a-OK with owning slaves, he’s just been too busy to do it before now? Why should I care about this monster?

[his soul immersing itself with the image in front of him as his brain and heart turned to shock]

This is ridiculously melodramatic. How does his brain and heart turn into an abstract concept? Think about what you’re writing.

[Xernes]

Isn’t it Xerneas? Or is the misspelling intentional?

[It was a Fletchling named Felicity, who looked about 15 in human years. She had short red hair with a warm smile and blue eyes that were full of excitement and wonder. Instead of hands, she had long, grey wings attached to her arms that stretched out to about a wingspan. She had a thin, bird-like frame with black talon feet and small breasts. She was an A-cup, but Alex only knew that because he needed to buy clothes for her often. She was wearing a large white tank top and short jeans that ended at the thigh. Alex felt the heat rise to his cheeks when he saw that she had forgotten to wear a bra, forgot to zip up her shorts, and was currently on top of him.]

Why are you sexualizing 15 year olds.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12037136/1/Pokemon-super-mystrie-dungon-my-oun-after-story

This is completely incoherent. You need a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12037415/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Journey

You might want to pick a more original title. There are literally tens of thousands of stories with the exact same premise, and I wouldn’t be surprised if there were literally hundreds if not thousands of stories with the exact same title. If you have a unique idea that sets you apart from the crowd, showcase that.

Also, nonstory chapters are banned. It’s really obnoxious to abuse the system just to announce you’re going to make a story sometime in the future.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12037471/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Gate-of-Fire

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Little did these Pokemon know they would one day be mystery dungeon explorers and embark on a dangerous journey to restore balance to their world]

This sentence lacks punctuation.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. Three sentences do not do that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12037532/1/Be-Careful-What-You-Wish-For

[Not as crap as it sounds.]

This sounds really childish and desperate. Let your audience be the judge of this.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.

[He should’ve been ecstatic.]

The rest of the story is in first-person, so this should be as well.

[I got up, no point missing something you don’t have.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[friday the thirteenth]

Days of the week are capitalized.

[I slowly opened my eyes. All I saw was darkness. I reached out.]

Eggs really don’t work like that. I can’t think of any animal that opens its eyes before hatching (since that could damage the eyes), and a fully-grown baby occupies nearly the entire space of the egg – there shouldn’t be any room for him to “reach out”.

[“Don’t be scared little one.”]

This needs a comma before “little one”, as it’s a direct address. I would advise reading up on comma usage and/or getting a beta reader.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[i failed]

Proofread.

[3 unhatched eggs]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[She looked at the youngest Vulpix, it was a female]

How can he tell the difference between male and female vulpix?

[I realized that I I had no pillow]

Typo.

[it’s tails]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[The Ninetales her tails]

?

[I struggled too my feet]

“To”. “Too” means “also”.

Ah nuts, this one was SYOC but it closed before I reached it. I’m losing my edge!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12037554/1/Do-girls-dream-of-electric-Mareep

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do it for you.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Why is the first paragraph centered? Centered text is hard to read.

[A trainers first]

Possessives require an apostrophe before the S.

[Traditionally, they were gifted one of three designated ‘starters’]

No, they aren’t. There’s nothing to imply the game’s setup is traditional or standard; you usually get the starters by accident, or to accomplish a job for the professor.

[we had just been celebrating my 18th birthday and the arrival of my trainer ID and Pokedex.]

Trainers start at ten in canon. This means that there will be no tension to your story, as if a ten-year-old can handle the challenges of a pokemon journey just fine, someone with eight extra years of life experience definitely will. Difficulties and complications are the stuff stories are made of.

Also, just like starters, pokedexes aren’t standard issue. They’re the professors’ private projects, and are only handed out to the game protagonists because the professors are using them as free labor.

Your tenses are inconsistent, which is extremely jarring and distracting. Pick past or present and stick with it.

[cone like]

Compound adjectives should be hyphenated.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. If you don’t have a plot, you should think of one, because stories need plots – and the typical trainer journey is not a plot, even with the gimmick of an unusual starter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12037681/1/Pokemon-Dark-Spinel-Version

[A eighteen year old boy finally becomes a trainer after eight years of depression, after an incident with Team Rocket he finally obtains his starter Pokemon, will he and his Pokemon make it to the top]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[WARNING! SCRIPT FORMAT! IF YOU DON’T LIKE THEN LEAVE AND DON’T GIVE ME NO BULLSHIT!]

I don’t have to, because script format is banned on this site. And for good reason: you’re an author, not a screenwriter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12037775/1/Journey-of-a-Thousand

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You’ve got coding errors. Preview your story before posting it. Furthermore, nonstory chapters are banned here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12037775/2/Journey-of-a-Thousand

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12037768/1/A-Unique-and-Horrific-Pokemon-Adventure

[When 5 guys, 3 girls]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[c***]

If you don’t want to write swears out you shouldn’t be using them at all.

[a young boy with some obvious mexican root]

“Mexican” should be capitalized here.

[“My name is Grace,” she smiled]

When dialogue is paired with a non-speaking verb, the dialogue and narration are separate sentences – because while you can say a phrase, but you can’t smile one. So this should be [“My name is Grace.” She smiled]

[maybe she didn’t back she stepped back into line]

??? Something seems to have gone wrong here.

[Cautious he looked at her]

There should be a comma after “cautious” here. You have a lot of dropped commas throughout; you might want to get a beta reader to help you.

[you’re Pokemon]

You want “your”. “You’re” means “you are”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12038289/1/Pokemon-Zenen-Region

[Pokemon and Humans]

…Well, at least you’re being consistent. But you wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Some of the homes had stair cases on the side and others had large brick chimneys with misty smoke rising from its breach.]

For consistency, that last “its” should be “their”.

[Smoked, fried, smothered, and grilled we’ve got it all!]

Hm. Something about this looks off. I think it needs a comma at the end of the list – [Smoked, fried, smothered, and grilled, we’ve got it all!] maybe?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[The fisherman asks]

[which resembles a lampshade]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so these sentences should be as well.

[it’s head]

[It’s primarily pink body]

You’re usually good about it’s and its, but you made mistakes here.

[cupped his hands around is mouth]

Typo.

[Slowly a few groups of people]

This needs a comma after “slowly”. You have a few similar errors throughout; you might want to get a beta reader to help you with this.

[barley past his shoulders]

You want “barely”. Barely is a plant.

[One year earlier…]

This is jarring. It’s a better idea to use generalized scene transitions and make time and place obvious from context.

[From a distance, one probably would’ve thought she was a tall dark tree. […] Light freckles were dabbed above her button nose, and across her flushed cheeks.]

Freckles? So she’s light-skinned, I presume? Why would someone mistake her for a tree, then? If her skin was the same color as her clothes I could understand, but the contrast should make it pretty obvious she’s a person.

[With no figure, a flat-chested and skinny body, she still somehow managed to be attractive.]

…Why did you feel this was relevant? Moreover, why did you feel it was necessary to describe the girl’s attractiveness but not the boy’s? That’s kinda skeevy.

[Behind the girl was three ghost-type Pokemon. Two of which were hovering over each of her shoulders.]

The second sentence here is a fragment. You should replace the period with a comma.

[The one on the left resembled somewhat of a jellyfish]

This is awkwardly worded – “somewhat resembled a jellyfish” is much clearer.

[moments delay]

Missing apostrophe.

[The Pokemon was canine in structure; mainly black fur with a long orange snout and orange underbelly.]

As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. You want a comma here.

Well, that ended abruptly.

This is better-written than most of the stuff here, but I still don’t have any idea what the story’s going to be about, despite the fairly long chapter. It’s a good idea to get to the point right from the start and end your chapter on a meaningful hook instead of just cutting it in the middle of a scene.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12038178/1/The-Attack-of-the-Legendaries-Part-1

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story. I’m also not clear on why you’re including multiple “chapters” in the same chapter.