https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12038042/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-A-Journey-to-Remember

[While on a quest to be the best (pun intended)]

That’s a rhyme, not a pun.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12039924/1/Darkness-Rising-Defenders-of-the-Realm

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Hello” – Normal talking

“Hello” – Thinking

“Hello” – Telepathic Communication]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong. Furthermore, bold is extremely rare in prose, making it jarring and a poor choice for common actions. Using the same notation as thoughts is fine, or a different symbol such as slashes.

You don’t need to label chapters, FFN will do it for you.

Your story is incoherent and overwrought. I can barely understand anything. You need a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12039807/1/A-New-Journey

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category with almost, if not exactly, identical titles.

You don’t need to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.

[13 year old]

Trainers start at ten in canon. Consider that this implies there will be no tension to your story, as if a ten-year-old can handle the challenges of a pokemon journey just fine, someone with three extra years of life experience definitely will. Difficulties and complications are the stuff stories are made of.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. Also, no one will ever care what your character is eating for breakfast.

[“Good morning Amelia,” her mom greeted, “you slept for quite a while. Are you excited to become a trainer?”]

This needs a comma before “Amelia”, as it’s a direct address.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. In case you’re confused, the full rules are: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You’re also overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[Him, Amelia, and Tom were all the same age; 13.]

As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. What you want here is a full colon.

[“Aw, is this Ralts?”]

That’s an incredibly poor choice of starter. Ralts can’t attack and are extremely fragile. How is she going to raise it? Moreover, who thought it was a good idea to assign this to a kid?

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12039116/1/Path-of-beginnings

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.

[“Daniel” speech

‘Alicia’ thoughts

~sigh~body actions

In italics moves/techniques]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong. Furthermore, using ‘ for thoughts is a bad idea, as it makes it look like characters are talking aloud. Italics for thoughts is standard.

[[Unknown Sea]]

This is jarring and awkward. It’s better to use generalized scene transitions; time and place should be obvious from context.

A new speaker means a new paragraph. Because you don’t adhere to this rule, your story is unreadable.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12040239/1/Pokemon-I-M-IN-THE-GAME

Nonstory chapters are banned. This kind of thing belongs in your author notes.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12040239/2/Pokemon-I-M-IN-THE-GAME

A new speaker means a new paragraph. Because you don’t adhere to this rule, your story is unreadable. Get a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12039071/1/Is-This-the-End

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You need to read up on proper comma usage. Your story is incoherent.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12041898/1/Olivine-Arts-School-for-Natural-Talents

[hey..]

Ellipses are always three dots, never two or four.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. Also, no one will ever care what your character is eating for breakfast.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Your comma usage is wonky; you have a lot of run-on sentences, and it makes the story very hard to follow. I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12041939/1/Pokemon-Destiny

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or hospital.

You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.

[What is it Robbie?]

This needs a comma fore “Robbie”, as it’s a direct address.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12042115/1/Thorns-Among-the-Roses

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12042606/1/The-Chronicles-of-Mike-Kanto

[Without any further adieu]

“Adieu” means “we will never see each other again”. The word you want is “ado”, I believe.

You have a lot of errant line breaks, which makes the story hard to read.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or birthday.

[he only had to wait 24 hours before he could get his first Pokemon and officially start!]

He shouldn’t have had to wait to get pokemon; there are preschoolers with pokemon. If he really wanted pokemon, he could have convinced his parents to buy him one, or just walked into the forest and caught one if that wasn’t an option. The professor handout system isn’t standard, and looks like it’s probably an exception more than anything – keep in mind you’re usually given pokemon either by accident, or to run an errand.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[She belongs to his mother]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[Hi mom]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

Well, it’s nice to see promise of plot, but it’s a little weird that the intro focused so much on the standard journey and not that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12042673/1/the-adventure-of-princess-platinum-berlitz

Your title needs to be capitalized.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12043493/1/Kalos-Chaos

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“So you’re 13 now huh? Maybe you can even travel with me around Kalos with the present Dad’s gonna give you!” She said with proudness.

“Who knows, you can even beat me~!” She giggled at the thought.]

Also, when the same speaker speaks twice in a row, you don’t need to make a new paragraph.

[Just because you’re a year or so older than me doesn’t mean you’re better!]

You seem to have forgotten quotes for this.

[Moments Later]

You really don’t need to do this. Time and place should be obvious from context.

Switching POVs in first-person is a terrible idea, as it’s virtually impossible to tell who’s narrating, especially when your characters are this similar. If you absolutely must do multiple POVs (which I recommend avoiding), you should use third-person.

[My Dad]

“Dad” is only capitalized when it’s used in place of a name – so, it shouldn’t be here.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. An opening that’s basically identical to literally thousands of other fic doesn’t do that. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12044162/1/Pokemon-Hoenn-Adventure-The-Final-Generation

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[“C’mon, Thomas! You know you can find the answer! You know you can!” the young man, Thomas, reiterated mentally]

Using quotes for thoughts is extremely confusing, as it makes it look like characters are talking out loud. Italics for thoughts is standard.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12044392/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-Virtue-of-Pain

[“Where are you going?”]

The endquote here is bolded and italicized, but the start quote isn’t.

[it’s lips]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

This looks interesting, but it’s far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This is barely even a single scene, and one devoid of context or explanation at that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12044461/1/Yes-Or-No

[barley counts]

Barley is a plant. I think you want “barely”.

[it’s rightful owners]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

I’m not sure why you’re posting this on a fanfiction site and not on a blog or something. Non-story content is banned on this site.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12044542/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Successors-of-Time

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.

[3rd attempt]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters – this includes numbering like this.

[sigh I need to just go relax]

This isn’t a comic book. Actions should be described; placing them in the middle of dialogue is jarring.

Are you a nonnative speaker? Many of your sentences are awkwardly-worded, making them hard to understand. Try to keep the focus of the sentence on the subject, and avoid ending sentences on prepositions.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12044741/1/Disabled-A-Retelling-of-Pokemon-Black-2

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or region.

[6 years old]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[“Why mommy?”]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Your sentences are very dry and simplistic, which disengages me. You should try varying your sentence structure more, and use more complex sentences.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12045650/1/The-Clove-Journey

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. Also, no one will ever care what your character is eating for breakfast.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.

[Mercury was eighteen-years old. Normally someone would start their Pokémon journey when they turned ten, but Mercury decided to wait.]

Think about what this means. You’ve just telegraphed that there will be no tension to your story, as if a ten-year-old can handle the challenges of a pokemon journey just fine, someone with eight extra years of life experience definitely will. Difficulties and complications are the stuff stories are made of. If you want to write about an older character, you should use an established trainer.

[“Hey there.” the girl said quietly as she looked down on Mercury. “What’s your name, Hotshot?”

End of Chapter 1]

Cutting the story off in the middle of a scene is not a cliffhanger, it’s just bad writing.

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. If you don’t have a plot, you should think of one, because stories need plots. (The standard badge quest is not a plot, by the way.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12046553/1/Hall-of-Origin

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The problem, this ritual had been lost for five thousand years.]

This is improper comma usage. You want a colon, I believe.

[The legend went as so; Arceus had been separated from his seventeen plates, causing his life force to drain.]

As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. Notice that you can’t do this here, as the first part will become a fragment. You want a full colon here.

[any thing he wanted]

“Anything”, one word.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[..So]

Incomplete ellipses.

Your wording is awkward and sometimes hard to follow. I’d advise you get a beta reader.

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This is just exposition, followed by something that’s barely a single scene. You’ve told us that your main character is ridiculously powerful, but nothing about what the plot is going to be about or how he’s going to be challenged.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12046787/1/The-Power-Within

[Join 16 year old Kat as she travels the Kanto region with her Eevee]

You’re generally good at not capitalizing pokemon, but you made a mistake here.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Using multiple POVs in first-person is almost always a bad idea. Unless the different viewpoint character sound completely different, it’ll be very hard to tell who’s who as time goes on. I’d advise reading this: https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/143126539/1/POV-and-You

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[I realized it was my sixteenth birthday! Today was the day I began my pokémon journey!]

Why’d she wait so long? Trainers start at ten in canon. This means that there will be no tension to your story, as if a ten-year-old can handle the challenges of a pokemon journey just fine, someone with six extra years of life experience definitely will. Difficulties and complications are the stuff stories are made of.

[Hey, mom or dad]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

So she’s naming the eevee “Eevee”? I’d advise against that. Not only is it confusing, it doesn’t make much sense – you wouldn’t name your dog Dog, would you?

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. If you don’t have a plot, you should think of one, because stories need plots. (Note that the standard badge quest is not a plot.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12046957/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Fire-and-Ice

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[tricks(but]

Parentheticals must be separated by a space.

[his hair will always be]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[You click on this video]

Likewise, the previous sentence was in past tense, so this should be as well.

[6-year old]

If you’re hyphenating this, the whole thing should be hyphenated, so it should be [6-year-old]

[“However, why would I tell you…,” He]

I’m very impressed that you know you need special notation when interrupting dialogue with a non-speaking verb. However, you don’t need that comma; the ellipses is enough on its own.

[I hope to see you there. Chow!]

It’s written “ciao”.

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This is the sort of thing that should be part of your first chapter, not stand on its own.

Your sentences are also rather dry and simplistic. I would recommend using more complex sentences, and trimming unnecessary details.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12047206/1/Blinded-Fire-Journey-of-the-Blind-Champion-Rewrite

[Psychic!Smart!Aura!Ash]

[here’s only one thing I’m going to comment on: I’m not writing an OC character, so I don’t read a review claiming that I am. (Two people have already done so and I ranted big time when I read those reviews.) I will state if I ever write an OC.]

…Look, just because you say you’re writing a canon character doesn’t mean you’re writing a canon character. When drawing from source material, you need to adhere to the rules outlined by that source. If you change so much about a character that they’re effectively a different person, you are writing an OC, and that’s not fair to the people who come in to this expecting a story about Ash. If you want to write about an OC, just write about an OC. There’s no shame in it – far less than there is in insisting your OC is totally Ash no really, quite frankly.

[Key:

“Talking”

“Pokespeech”

‘Telepathy(Targeted)’

“Telepathy(General)”

Thoughts

{Pokedex Entries}

~POV Change~

***Timeskip***]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong. You’re also better off using different symbols instead of different formatting, since the latter runs into problems – what if you want to emphasize something in pokespeech, for instance?

You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.

Using multiple POVs in first-person is almost always a bad idea. Unless the different viewpoint character sound completely different, it’ll be very hard to tell who’s who as time goes on. I’d advise reading this: https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/143126539/1/POV-and-You

[in case anything happens]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[gray spots.*]

What’s this asterisk doing here?

[a Beedrill]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[a rather large bee with stingers for arms]

Why would an in-universe perspective describe a beedrill this way?

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. The full rules are: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[his ear comm. beeped.]

What’s that period doing there? You’ve got a number of similar errors. I’d recommend you get a beta reader to help you with them.

[reluctely]

??? Do you mean “reluctantly”?

[***thirty minutes later***]

This is jarring. It’s better to use generalized scene transitions; time and place should be obvious from context.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Well, at least things are happening in the first chapter. That’s a rarity in this category.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12047292/1/The-Divine-Chronicles-The-Last-Heir

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or headmaster.

[Sweat coated my thick fur.]

Most furred creatures do not sweat, actually, or if they do, it’s only in fur-less locations (cats sweat through their paws, for instance).

[momentarily slowly my descent]

That should be “slowed”, I think.

[Mona, you made an excellent move with your Dig. Combusken, congratulations for dodging that Shadow Ball!]

Why does Mona have a real name, but Combusken gets the equivalent of being named “Human”?

[green-skinned Pokémon]

[Mr. Machamp]

??? Machamp have bluish-gray skin.

[Great. I mentally complained.]

This needs a comma after “great”, and “mentally [verbed]” is incredibly awkward phrasing. You can just say “thought”.

You’re very good at writing battles. A lot of fic just depicts them as mechanical exchanges of attacks like in the games, but you’re putting a lot of thought into tactics and unusual situations.

[I barely managed to nab my bag]

How does a quadruped like Mona carry a bag? You describe most of the setting like a human school, but I’m not sure how that’s supposed to work when so few pokemon can manipulate objects like humans can, especially when their sizes are so disparate too.

[With practiced ease, I balanced on my hind legs, lifted the flap of my magic locker bag, and grabbed my math workbook. I spat it on the ground and reached in for my A&M History textbook. My mouth had just clamped down on a corner when a pressure settled on my shoulders.]

Like, I just can’t picture what’s happening here. Eevee don’t have opposable thumbs, and the mouth shouldn’t be strong or dextrous enough to carry huge textbooks, at least not without damaging them, her teeth, or both.

I also find it strange that the non-battling parts of the school seem to be identical to human schools, despite the fact that pokemon should be far too diverse for that to work. For instance,

[One Kadabra was moving two pencils at once; one was actually working out the problems while another was doodling a random drawing in the margins. I huffed in irritation. Psychic types can be such show-offs. Then again, he probably found math to be as easy as I did.]

Kadabra are canonically orders of magnitude smarter than other pokemon. Why are they even in the same class as an eevee? Psychics should require completely different teaching methods. Other pokemon, such as fire, ice, and water types, would require different physical environments. It doesn’t make sense for them to all be lumped together.

This also manifests in the Levi-pens – why would a society of pure pokemon revolve around writing the same way ours does when so few of them can do so? The Levi-pens facilitate this, but why did people think they were something that had to be invented in the first place? It’s more logical for pokemon to come up with their own analogue for writing, rather than using technology to make their society identical to that of an alien civilization. This could make sense if this is a post-apocalyptic story where humans used to exist but have now been wiped out, but even then it’s a stretch.

Your description of the pokemon is a bit awkward. You don’t give nearly enough detail for me to recognize what’s being described, and it doesn’t make much sense for a pokemon to not immediately note the species. It might be better to move things so that the species name is dropped earlier; this would allow readers to have a clearer idea of what the description refers to.

[click of females]

You want “clique”. A click is a noise.

[She finally handed out the oft-referenced packets to the class using her Psychic.]

This phrasing is a little weird. Capitalizing move names implies they’re very specific actions that can’t be adapted, and I always thought Psychic was more of a mental attack than a physical one. Just saying “using her psychic powers” or “using her telekinesis” would be clearer.

[These pencils sure are amazing, I thought in admiration. Whoever invented this pencil that anyone can access with their minds is incredibly gifted with intelligence. Must’ve be a psychic type.]

While that explains how non-bipeds can write, that’s really awkward exposition. Do you think “Wow, whoever invented these computers that anyone can use to access a collective body of knowledge must have been a genius” on a regular basis? If this was Mona’s first exposure to the tech this would be understandable, but if she’s been using them regularly it’s pretty weird for her to think this now. Working this into more general exposition, such as the narration quickly noting “Levi-pens allowed us to do X and worked because of Y”, would sound more natural.

[Another completed review and waste of time later]

Okay, so, if the only information the protagonist gives us about the class is that it’s super boring and pointless, what makes you think the readers will feel any differently? If a scene has no purpose and you feel it’s boring, you don’t have to include it. You’re free to skip over events and get to the good stuff; it would be perfectly acceptable for you to just cut all the class scenes out and have Mona say “After classes, I…”

You’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

I’m glad that you’ve made a fairly substantial first chapter (that’s a rarity in this fandom), even if it’s rather cliché high school drama. However, your summary promises that the main plot will be quite different from the slice-of-life we see here, so it might be best to get closer to that in the first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your chance to hook your reader; it should give a good idea of what the story will be about, going forward.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12048207/1/Trio

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[THis summery sucks.]

“Summary”, also if you know it’s bad, try harder instead of apologizing. This kind of informality is incredibly childish, and it’s not like summaries are that hard anyway. What you have is fine, honestly.

[“Talking”

‘Pokétalk’

‘Telepath’]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong. I also highly, highly recommend against using ‘ and “ to mean different things, as they look far too similar and your readers will become confused. Use different symbols instead, such as {}.

[“Vulpix” ‘why us?’]

Writing out both the gibberish and the translation looks absolutely awful. You can just write the translation; that’s what you have that key for, isn’t it?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.

[-Later-]

This is jarring. Using generalized scene transitions is better; time and place should be obvious from context.

[Animal GO (get it? :) )]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is always a terrible idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.