Actually found a good one today! The others are still pretty boring.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12048364/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Rings-of-Void
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.
Your writing is very simplistic, and has too many errors to make it easily readable. Try to avoid long stretches that are nothing but dialogue, and get a beta reader to help you.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12048329/1/Perryapsis
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Gardevoire]
“Gardevoir”. Look up pokemon names if you’re unsure how they’re spelled.
You’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.
This doesn’t have anything to do with Pokemon. Your characters are all acting exactly like humans.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12049895/1/Pokemon-Sinnohs-Adventure
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Overall, this is a mess. Try harder and get a beta reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12049677/1/Scourge-The-Beginning
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Centering all your text makes it hard to read.
[It’s been 130 years since the world died, humans are scares]
This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. You have many similar errors throughout, which makes your story hard to understand; I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you.
Also, I believe you want “scared”.
[what earth used to be]
In this case, “Earth” is capitalized, same as if you were talking about another planet like Mars.
(Also, you need a comma after this.)
[but none of the other elites talk about it, they like to talk about the future not the past]
This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.
[Awakening]
I’m not sure why you’re breaking up sections like this. Are they meant to be chapters? They’re far too short if so.
[We are the 6]
In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.
This is an interesting premise, but your grammar is so awful I can barely understand what’s going on. You need a beta reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12049139/1/Gaining-Aura
[I felt like taking a shot at my first fanfic.]
This kind of informality looks bad in summaries, which are supposed to be about the story itself. Information like this should go in author notes.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
[‘I have to keep going,’ I thought to myself.]
Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.
[And, when I finally didn’t feel numb, I could feel that my pants were soaked. And it wasn’t sweat. As I felt extremely embarrassed, I also felt grateful I had my own room.]
This really doesn’t seem like an appropriate detail for a K-rated fic.
[” No thanks]
Extra space.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.
[I thought about my tenth birthday, and why I didn’t start my journey then.]
The explanation he gives isn’t a very convincing one – trainers are totally capable of holding and raising eggs while they’re training. Furthermore, consider what this means for your story narratively. If ten-year-olds can handle the challenges of a typical journey, there definitely won’t be any tension in watching someone with six extra years of life experience go through the same obstacles. Difficulties and complications are the stuff stories are made of.
[I felt like I would be looked down upon by my friends for not having a starter.]
The games’ starter pokemon aren’t literally the only starters trainers can get. There are tons of trainers in the games who say they bought their first, or just ran into the wild and caught one themselves.
This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12049125/1/Smoke-and-Mirrors
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Non-story chapters are banned. This kind of exposition should be part of your first chapter, not stand on its own.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12049053/1/Pokemon-Original-Series-genderbent
[I promise it’ll get better as I go on!]
Saying this makes you sound childish and desperate. Let your audience be the judge of this.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Non-story chapters are banned. This kind of thing should go in your author notes.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12049053/2/Pokemon-Original-Series-genderbent
Your tenses are inconsistent. This is extremely jarring and distracting. Pick past or present and stick to it.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12048729/1/Return-to-Ashes
Why is this all bolded?
You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.
[It happened over night, the world was changed forever.]
“Overnight”, also, this is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. You have many similar errors, and they make the story hard to understand; I’d recommend getting a beta reader.
[worlds top militaries]
Missing apostrophe.
[It was as if the real world could be manipulated by them, but we were left defenseless for we could do no harm with guns nor our nuclear arsenals.]
This is poorly worded – “as if” is a metaphorical comparison, so you’re saying they can’t actually manipulate the world.
[PopWe never]
[LPUnaware]
???
[cherished….]
Ellipses are always three dots, never two or four.
[the idiot dumb enough to believe they could win on their own]
You mean plural “idiots” here, I believe? Proofread.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Societal lines blurred, nothing of race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, nor creed mattered. When the end is near nigh it is hard to maintain order never mind keeping enemies.]
Nope. Crises, especially societal collapses, are exactly when these sorts of divisions become more pronounced. Disaster results in scapegoating, isolation encourages tribalism, and when resources are limited, people will pounce on any excuse to cull the herd. Look at how Hitler rose to power – or, heck, just look at what reactionary politicians are saying right now.
[It all depended on the people that surround the chosen.]
“Surrounded”. Keep your tenses consistent.
[After beating them back into the shadows years ago they have once again emerged.]
This is very unclear – who beat them back?
This is a summary, not a story. You’re just giving an overview of the events leading up to the story, which isn’t terribly engaging. If these details are important, they should be worked into the story organically.
Relatedly, this is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. As I said, you haven’t actually shown us anything about what the plot and story will actually be like. If you must include this sort of exposition, it should be part of your first chapter rather than something that stands on its own.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12050344/1/Drago-The-Garchomp-One-Shot
This is completely incoherent. You need a beta reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12050719/1/Arceus-Wants-To-Have-Fun
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
You’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12050893/1/Solace
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You’re formatting dialogue correctly for basic speech, but are making mistakes on more complicated stuff. The full rules are: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[Telepathically he said, ‘Tonight. You leave tonight. And don’t come back.’]
Using ‘ and “ to mean different things is a bad idea, as they look far too similar. I’d recommend using different symbols instead. Using normal quotes but just noting it’s telepathic in the narration, like you have here, also works.
[leaving-permanently-and]
Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.
[*Five Hours Later*]
This is jarring and awkward. It’s better to use generalized scene transitions; time and place should be obvious from context.
This is better-written than most stories here, and the cliffhanger is well-done. You’ve given us a decent amount of information on the protagonist and her past, so I don’t mind cutting the story off so abruptly even though that normally bothers me.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12050897/1/Wistful-Petrichor
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[He was unsure how to answer at first, but quickly found an answer, “I just]
You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but when it’s paired with a non-speaking verb, the narration counts as a separate sentence and is capitalized accordingly. So this should be [He was unsure how to answer at first, but quickly found an answer. “I just].
This is a bit too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. You’ve only provided a brief and vague overview of the protagonist’s character; readers have no idea what this story will actually be about or what it’ll look like going forward.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12051242/1/Reeducated
[‘Mind’ is crucial to living being, and that is what Team Rocket tried to “Reeducate”, a boy’s innocent mind that had been standing in their way, a series of effort to change his mind, belief, and many other things, and will Team Rocket success?]
This is a run-on sentence, which makes it hard to understand. Read up on proper comma usage and get a beta reader to help you.
[the format is not very goo]
Typo.
You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Because you don’t adhere to this rule, I can barely understand anything that’s going on.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12052382/1/The-Day-We-Last-Saw-The-Rain
[=================================The Beginning==============================]
A horizontal line seems like it would work better here…
Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.
Your tenses are inconsistent, which is extremely jarring and distracting. Decide whether you want past or present and stick to it.
[“…Toro..”]
Ellipses are always three dots, never two or four.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. Right now I don’t even have any idea who the protagonist is, what he’s doing, or why I should care about him.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12053212/1/Altered-World
Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.
[My first fanfiction, please review]
This kind of thing belongs in the author’s note, not the summary.
[Jet black.]
Bold is rarely used in prose, which makes it very jarring. I wouldn’t recommend using it casually.
[in 4 years]
In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.
[Later…]
This is a bit jarring; it’s generally better to use more formal scene transitions, such as symbols or extra line breaks.
[“All right.” said Jane.]
You’re generally formatting dialogue correctly, but starting here, you use periods instead of commas to end dialogue.
Well, that ended abruptly. This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. Keep in mind that you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12053469/1/Kalos-Regional-High-School
[BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
Smack!]
This isn’t a comic book. It’s more engaging if you describe sounds and actions in prose.
[The honey – blonde]
Hyphenated words shouldn’t have spaces around the hyphen – otherwise, it looks like you’re using a dash (like I just used). Furthermore, using hair color as an epithet is extremely awkward and should generally be avoided. Epithets should be relevant to the scene or character; for instance, if her hair color was important to the plot, or if it was the only distinguishing feature an onlooker knew about her.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[“Good morning, Slyveon.”]
That’s a weird name – most people wouldn’t name their dog “Dog”, right? It also creates confusion if you feature multiple pokemon of the same species.
[Morning mom]
When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
[After 6 minutes]
In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.
[“…”]
This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.
[somethings wrong]
Typo.
[~ – At TC’s house – ~]
This is jarring. It’s better to use generalized scene transitions; time and place should be obvious from context.
Well, that ended abruptly. This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. If you have a plot, start there you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.
This also doesn’t seem to have much of anything to do with the characters it’s supposedly about. If you want to write OCs, just write OCs; there’s no shame in that.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12053440/1/Lucas-Azzy-smut-aka-porn-story-4-faggots
Lrn2troll.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12053977/1/Skellie-s-Pokemon-Red-Nuzlocke-Challenge
Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.
Okay, so.
Just because something makes for an interesting gameplay experience doesn’t necessarily mean it makes for a good story. Just adding BLOOD! and DEATH! to a standard trainer journey doesn’t change the fact that the standard trainer journey has no plot, and stories without plots aren’t interesting. And speaking of plots…
[I suffer from a condition called Nuzlocke Syndrome. Most trainers pokemon just faint when when they lose a battle but mine will die. For years my family has forbidden their children from becoming trainers but I finally convinced my mom to allow me to try and become a Pokemon Master. It is going to be a hard and dangerous but I am determined to make my family’s name famous. So, cross your fingers and hold your breath here we go!]
This is another common problem of Nuzlockes: your protagonist is morally bankrupt. Why is her personal fame and glory so important that it’s okay for her to slaughter tons of innocents for it? How is that in any way a fulfilling story to read about? I don’t want to see this person succeed. I want this person’s pokemon to escape this meat grinder and for her to never be allowed to touch pokemon again.
(Also, “trainer’s”. Spellcheck and proofread.)
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12054068/1/a-adventure-with-friends
Nonstory chapters are banned on this site. Also, this is incoherent. You need a beta reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12054436/1/A-Cadenza-Like-No-Other
[In a small clutch of soft grass lie a single egg]
You want “lay”, not “lie”.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[a ovular object]
“an ovular”
This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. If I hadn’t seen the summary or author notes, I’d have no idea what’s going on. Keep in mind you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12054575/1/Who-Says-Pokemon-Can-t-Be-Trainers-Too
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This is novel, but far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. You’ve introduced the premise, but I have no idea who these characters are or what the plot will look like going forward.
I also find it weird how easily her trainer is won over. In the span of a few lines he goes from trying to coerce and imprison her to supporting her fully? That doesn’t make sense, unless this is some complex trick.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12055734/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-Between-Two-Worlds
[fear gripped his being knowing he was deeply submerged and couldn’t breathe, but he had no idea how deeply he was submerged.]
Repeating sounds and words sounds awkward (see)? You might want to reword this so you don’t say “deeply submerged” twice in such quick succession.
[However, he was able to make out what appeared to be land; with his last ounce of strength, he swam over to the land and flopped down onto it before losing consciousness.]
That semicolon should be a period; the second sentence isn’t directly connected to the first.
[he tried to remember; what else had he seen?]
And this should be a full colon.
[My…name….is…Luke…, he thought]
You don’t need the comma here.
[“Hey, are you OK?!”]
It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Uh, yeah. Haven’t you ever seen a talking Pikachu before?”]
[We Pokémon talk like this.]
That’s an incredibly awkward way of saying it. If a human walked up to you acting like Luke, would you say “haven’t you ever seen a talking human before” or “we humans talk like this”? This only makes sense from our perspective, where talking pokemon are unusual. To the pokemon themselves, this should be so mundane it shouldn’t warrant special comment.
Well, that ended abruptly. This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This chapter introduced two characters (vaguely), but I have no idea what the plot is going to look like, going forward. Keep in mind you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12056028/1/the-wizard-s-word
[so many Explorers have tried and failed before! And you think you’re going to be on a Team one day!]
I’m very grateful that you’re not capitalizing pokemon, but it seems weird to capitalize these terms if you aren’t.
[They were statues, Lita decided, statues of creatures she had never seen before in her entire life, with wings that were too skinny to fly and faces that were too smooth for beaks.]
I like this description. It’s always neat to imagine how non-humans would describe us.
[A strange, smooth face with skin instead of feathers]
Don’t birds have skin, though? Swablu heads, in particular, look bare, though the blue skin could be a stylized feather coat.
[he, too , meant]
Extra space.
This is really beautiful and heartfelt and I love it. It doesn’t have many direct ties to Pokemon, but the themes and details are applicable anyway. I love Lita and the fairy-tale storytelling style, and the idea of mixing N and AZ’s stories is interesting. Certainly makes a lot more sense than AZ’s rather nonsensical canon backstory.
(It’s not marked as Complete, though – are you going to continue this?)
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12056061/1/Two-of-a-Kind
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
[crossed it!,” the first one spat]
You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but you don’t need a comma here.
[some other beings existence]
Missing possessive apostrophe.
You’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.
This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. I’m glad that at least something’s happening, but this is only a single scene. I don’t know what’s going on, what’s going to happen, or why I should be invested in these characters. When you do in medias res, you also need to pull back and give us some information afterwards.