https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12056429/1/PokeGuardians-Return-of-Chaos
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[body upon a body]
You don’t need that “a”.
[Pieces of the armor give to him]
“Given”. You’re making a lot of mistakes in general. Are you not a native speaker? You should get a beta reader to help you.
[his life.]
Also, your italics tags got messed up here.
[“Good morning, Pikachu. How was your sleep?”
“I had a nightmare,,,”
“Don’t worry about it, buddy. I’m pretty sure you’ll forget it later.”]
Wait, Pikachu can talk in this?
[(A/N. In case you don’t understand this part, read the A/N at the end of the story.)]
Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is always a terrible idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.
[Now, to find mom!]
When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
[Delia and Pikachu sweatdropped anime-style at his remark.]
This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12056949/1/The-World-Tree
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The forest that surround him waited on bated breath, as a hopeful mother would for the return of her lost children.]
“Surrounded”, also that’s a really weird simile. What is the forest waiting for, exactly? This only works if they’re waiting for something hopeful. And are you referring to the creatures of the forest as a unit, or are you personifying the forest itself?
[peaked over]
“Peeked”. To peak means to reach a local maximum.
[One Vigoroth stood guard]
Why? Vigoroths would make terrible guards, they can’t sit still.
[Next to him where]
“Were”. “Where” refers to location. You’re making a lot of errors like this; I’d recommend you’d get a beta reader.
[The Man]
Shouldn’t be capitalized.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This is better-written than most of the stuff on here, and I’m glad you have stuff happening in the first chapter, but you really need to try harder on grammar. You have a lot of missing or misplaced commas, which makes your sentences really hard to follow.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12056889/1/Pokemon-Weapon-of-Arceus
[Life had almost reached perfection, there was an almost zero percent crime rate]
This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or legendary.
Opening your story with an infodump is a questionable choice that will likely disengage your readers. It’s much more engaging to start by introducing us to the characters and plot so we can get invested in the thing the story will really be about. Historical details should come up organically if they’re relevant.
[“Coming dad!”]
When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
[And time passes…]
The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.
[“Layla!” He yelled]
You’re generally good about formatting dialogue, but you capitalized “he” here.
[It’s all their fault.” repeated Arkah]
And here, you used a period instead of a comma.
[they have actually achieved the context of our genetics…]
I don’t understand what this means. I think you’re trying to say they’ve figured out how to manipulate their genetics, in which case, you should say that. This is just word salad.
[“Pfffft, Layla’s got boo-“]
What? Why would a turtle even know or care what breasts are? Gardevoir don’t even have noticeable breasts.
[interjected Lewis]
When you’re reaching for things like “interjected”, you’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
Well, that ended abruptly. While I’m glad you’re having plot happen in the first chapter, cutting off in the middle of a scene isn’t a cliffhanger, it’s just bad writing.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12057693/1/Pokemon-LavaRubyOceanSapphireJadeEmerald-introduction
Nonstory chapters are banned. Use a personal blog for this stuff.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12057231/1/Journey-of-the-Heather
[Heather is a 12 year old who has started her adventure]
Why didn’t she leave at 10?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Pok’emon]
Don’t do this, it looks awful. If you (reasonably) don’t want to get the accent symbol, you can just say “pokemon”, it’s fine.
[Main character Bio: Heather is a girl with pale white skin, slightly dark brown hair, and light brown eyes. She is 5’4″, and is on the small medium side. Her most common hair style is straight,two foot long hair.]
It’s a bit awkward to dump this on the reader up-front. If any of these details are important, they can come up in the story itself.
You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. In case you’re confused, the full rules are: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[she stated]
If you find yourself reaching for verbs as strange as “stated” within the first three paragraphs of your story, you’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.
[I’m going to miss you, mom]
When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
[too the league]
“To”. Too means also. You might want to get a beta reader if you’re making these mistakes frequently.
[Heather smile]
“Smiled”. Pay attention to verb conjugation.
[route,pointedly]
Missing space.
[as if they where]
“Were”. “Where” refers to location. You definitely need a beta reader.
[team rocket]
This is a name, and should therefore be capitalized.
[the Police]
This, however, should not.
This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12057003/1/Walking-Through-Saikan
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or blue.
This is far too empty for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. (Keep in mind that the standard badge or league quest is not a plot.)
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12057739/1/Journeys
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. Also, no one will ever care what your character is eating for breakfast.
[Since I’ve lived my whole life in the Kanto region, in Saffron city, I’ll get to choose between three Pokemon: Bulbasaur, Charmander, and Squirtle.]
There’s no evidence in the games that the professor handout is standard. Notice that in almost every game, you get the starters either by accident or as payment for a specific task; Kanto is the latter case. There are plenty of trainers (preschoolers, bug catchers, rich kids) who get their pokemon through alternative means.
[I’m fourteen now, yet it seems like just yesterday my mother promised me I could go on my very own journey when I was old enough.]
She was old enough four years ago. Trainers start at ten in canon. This implies that there will be no tension to your story, as if a ten-year-old can handle the challenges of a pokemon journey just fine, someone with four extra years of life experience definitely will. Difficulties and complications are the stuff stories are made of.
This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12057815/1/Pokemon-Earth-and-Sky
[that she can only]
The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.
[she felt her neck]
This sentence, as well as a few others, isn’t capitalized. Most word processors should autocorrect this mistake; otherwise, proofread.
[she reached out and felt for the soft silver fur of Eevee]
That’s the equivalent of naming your dog “Dog”; it sounds ridiculous and makes no sense. This is also going to be really confusing if there are other eevees in the story.
[she felt until she had a good grip on the bandanna scarf that was around his neck, she pulled him up with a quick jolt and hugged him to her chest, he called out]
This is a comma splice twice over. You need to split this sentence up or use different transitions.
[an upside down Eevee]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[Eevee vee..]
Incomplete ellipses.
[Mrs. Brooks reprimanded]
If you’re reaching for words as awkward as “reprimanded”, you’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.
While this isn’t incoherent, it’s riddled with lots of tiny errors that drag down the quality. You need to try harder to catch them and/or get a beta reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12058113/1/Viridian-Forest-A-Pok%C3%A9mon-story
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader. Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.
This is incoherent. Try harder.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12059375/1/Dances-with-Fates-Eclipse
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or grade.
[yet extremely important-]
Missed a space with the dash there.
[7 booths]
In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.
This really doesn’t seem to have anything to do with pokemon. All the characters are acting exactly like humans.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12058650/1/Sinnoh-Man-on-a-Mission
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[‘Next time fight an enemy you can actually see!”]
Be consistent about using single or double quotes.
This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. There isn’t even any story here, just a brief and vague infodump. The first chapter should give us information on the plot and characters, since that’s what the story’s going to be about.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12058850/1/Pokemon-Kanto-Legends
You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.
[I used to be just a normal kid living in the small town of Pallet; until the fateful day that my whole life changed.]
This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and have the resulting sentences still make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“He went looking for you. You were too slow.” “I am NOT slow!” “You are.”]
A new speaker means a new paragraph. Not obeying this rule makes your dialogue impossible to follow, and therefore makes me not want to read your story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12059079/1/What-I-Would-Find
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do it for you.
[My silver robes blew forward causing the hood to cover his matching hair and eyes.]
How are his robes covering someone else’s hair and eyes?
[to becoming]
“to become”
[A silver cloak of it’s own covering almost it’s whole body.]
You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”. Also, this is a sentence fragment.
[I only saw its head which was only a skull]
This needs a comma after “head”, also repeating sounds sounds awkward (see?). You should try rewording this so you’re not repeating “only” in quick succession.
You have tons of similar errors throughout this, and it makes the story really hard to read. You need a beta reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12059392/1/Mystery-in-town
Your title isn’t fully capitalized.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This is completely incoherent. You need a beta reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12060002/1/My-Adventures-Through-the-Unova-Region
You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not exactly the same as, this one.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[My Mom]
Or “mom”.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This just covers things that your audience already knows. Note that the Pokemon games don’t have much of a plot, so you’re likely to burn out if you’re just rehashing them. If you have some unique or original plot (and you should), you should introduce it right out of the gate. You’re not obligated to cover every detail leading up to the inciting event.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12059841/1/Poke-Squad-Zero-Myths-become-real
Your title isn’t fully capitalized.
[*Random character entrance time*
Murata : Hey Gohanna what’s up
Gohanna : Huh Murata what are you doing here this is not your anime dimension
Murata : Oh what can’t pay my good friend Gohanna a visit]
This is not nearly as funny or interesting as you think it is.
[Human speaking: “Hello my name is Dawn.” Human are able to understand Pokémon like this to when the letters aren’t bold. So like Meowth will have this ok.
Human thinking: ‘darn what do I do now?’
Pokémon speaking: “Hey captain what’s up.” Only Pokémon will understand each other when the letters are bold while humans will only here poke speak like; pi-pika-pi-pikachu etc. It can also be considered a normal P.O.V for Pokémon.
Pokémon thinking: ‘Oh no, it’s too late.’]
I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong. I also strongly advise against using bold or italics alone to denote different actions. It’s much clearer to use different symbols, such as {}. Bold in general is extremely jarring and should only rarely be used in prose.
Also, using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.
The story itself is full of run-on sentences, which makes it impossible to follow. Learn to use commas and get a beta reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12060523/1/my-permanent-disclaimer
Non-stories are banned on this site. This sort of thing should go on your profile.
Also, you really don’t need this in the first place. Authors do not sue over fanfiction anymore.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12060585/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Kalos-Experiences
You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or region.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[Received Cyndaquil]
This is awkward and unnecessary. The strength of fanfic is in making a less mechanical version of the games, not more.
This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. And no, the standard badge quest is not a plot.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12060801/1/The-Pokewars-Chronicles-I-The-Coming-of-Ashes
Nonstory chapters are banned. This sort of thing should go on your profile or in your author notes.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12061120/1/Invasion-of-the-Poke-Fusions
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do that for you.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[A young woman with light brown hair that’s tied in a bun, light creamy skin and green eyes is pacing back and forth, and she doesn’t look happy at all.]
The rest of the story is in past tense, so this paragraph should be as well.
Blocked! Checking their profile reveals that they are an insecure macho manchild, so nothing lost.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12061334/1/The-Crisis
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I would’ve winced when I felt a small sharp stone dig into my heal if I hadn’t been barefoot for as long as I can remember. I’m used to it.
“Heel”. Heal means to cure or mend. Also, this is a really weird way of phrasing it. Is he actually narrating this to an audience who would have this point of reference, or are these just his thoughts? Because I don’t often think to myself “I would have done [standard response or action] due to [everyday occurrence] just now but due to my lifestyle I didn’t” and I don’t think anyone else does either.
[A gust of wind sent a spiral of dust rolling along the ground; dry flecks of dirt made visible by the morning sun, which I could feel already beating hot on my bare shoulders.]
You want a full colon here. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and have the resulting sentences still make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here.
[Brusquely I crossed the yard towards it.]
This needs a comma after “brusquely”.
[rapped only in a shawl brown]
“Wrapped”. To rap means to knock or hit.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[my aunts features]
Missing apostrophe.
[Beneath her pillow I knew were two more shirts: one pink with the name VENESSA and another blue with PORTHOS. Those aren’t needed anymore.]
This is a nice detail, and the casualness with which he delivers it helps build the atmosphere.
[I’m started]
“starting”
[me lean face]
“my”
[above the waste]
“Waist”. A waste is something useless. I’ll stop pointing out these errors, but you should probably get a beta reader if you’re making them this frequently.
[Jo Y]
Forgot the E here.
This actually looks pretty interesting. Post-apocalyptic stories are common here but they’re never done right. It looks like the people are focused on working together and the protagonist is a good, altruistic person, which I like. Grim gritty apocalyptic stories where everyone’s constantly betraying each other get old fast.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12061669/1/Pokemon-Rorroh
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Script format is banned. This website is for prose, not screenwriting.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12061777/1/Pokemon-Rising-Ashes
You don’t capitalize “lucario” in the story, but you do capitalize it in the summary for some reason.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Your comma usage is all over the place, which makes the story difficult to read. I’d advise reading up on comma usage and/or getting a beta reader to help you.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12061852/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-X-Wonderlocke-An-Unlikely-Hero
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Just because something makes for an interesting gameplay experience doesn’t mean it makes for an interesting story. Basing a world around gameplay mechanics is inherently nonsensical, and only becomes moreso the more rules you add. I would advise against doing this; your story is most likely going to fizzle out like every other fic that’s tried this.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12061999/1/The-Next-Generation-Johto
[critizem]
“criticism”
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
[The beast was mostly white,]
That comma should be a period.
[You’d better get your beauty sleep, Jew-Jew.]
…You should probably come up with a less awkward nickname.
[The pain was , out of nowhere,]
???
[“Hi Bronze!” She greeted.]
You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but you capitalized “she” here.
This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.
If you’d like more storywriting advice, you should consult this thread: https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/142410565/1/Writing-Guide-Part-Two-Story