https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12078352/1/How-to-be-Brave-Blanche-x-Spark

[A man kneeling next to the woman gripped her hand tightly and nodded to her, “One more push. I swear. It will be over soon.”]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

“Blanche, although she has been listed as a female, will be male for this story because yaoi is life!” =_=

This is also a soulmate thing. I’ve seen that a lot on tumblr lately. Why is it so popular?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12079152/1/Aspen-Academy

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Naming a sneasel “Sneasel” is like naming a dog “Dog” – it’s confusing and doesn’t make much sense.

[It wasn’t the first time he is attacked in his sleep]

The rest of the story is in present, so this should be as well.

[t-shirt,trips into pants]

Missing space.

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. A single scene with little context does not do that. This is the sort of thing that should be part of a larger chapter, not stand on its own.

The sentences in this are also very simplistic, which isn’t very engaging; you might want to experiment with more complex sentences.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12079752/1/PeaceKeepers

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[A dark figure slowly moved forwards towards the injured pokemon.]

Opening a passage with reference to a definite article is really confusing, because definite articles imply familiarity. It would make more sense to use an indefinite “an”.

[Its tail waved back and forth as his slow demeanor]

You switch pronouns from “it” to “he” here; try to keep those consistent.

[There are other legends. Even Celebi or Zapdos can’t stop me.]

That’s… a bit of a weird thing to say? Not only is Mewtwo stronger than both those two combined (unless you’re leaning heavily on anime canon and Celebi’s time travel powers), he’s not a “legend” in the same sense – he’s a man-made copy of a pokemon that might not even be divine. When other legendaries include the gods of life and death, that implies a difference in kind that should be significant to the others.

[He felt a sudden pain in his side as he’s blown backwards]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so that “he’s” should be “he was”.

[I’m sorry Mew]

This needs a comma before “Mew”, as it’s a direct address.

[You would think Mew’s equal could put up a decent fight.]

????? Mewtwo is stronger than Mew, both storywise (he was created to be a weapon, Mew wasn’t) and objectively statwise.

[A shadowy figure, resembling a tortoise appeared next to him]

This needs either a comma after “tortoise” (as “resembling a tortoise” is an aside), or to drop the comma entirely.

[“Don’t forget the sacrifices that had to be made,” The figure from earlier looked at the turtle.]

You’re generally formatting this correctly, but you need a period instead of a comma here.

[You’re time is coming]

You want “your”. “You’re” means “you are”.

Hm, interesting to see Mewtwo get knocked out of the running so early. There still isn’t a lot to go on, though; I can’t tell what the story’s going to be about just from this, and we haven’t really been introduced to the central actors either. This seems like something that should be part of a longer chapter, not stand on its own as an opening.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12080700/1/Pokemon-Callum-s-Tale

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

[eminent threat]

I think you mean “imminent”. “Eminent” means respected.

[Code primal blue I repeat, Code Primal Blue.]

Be consistent with capitalization.

[Beware flash floods and hurricane speed winds, Kyogre has been spotted.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[He lay, his torn clothes,]

This doesn’t make sense – I think you mean “his clothes torn”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[at 6 foot, 2 inches,]

You forgot to capitalize this sentence. We also don’t need this level of detail.

[Callum traced it’s chest feathers]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

The number of grammatical errors in this makes it hard to read and understand. I would recommend getting a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12080706/1/Pokemon-Elite-Quest

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[a region based of America called Mericos]

There already is a region like this. It’s called Unova.

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

[i hope you like it]

Typo.

You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do it for you.

[all 6 generations]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters. Also, why would “generations” be an in-universe term?

[!RING! goes the alarm]

Are you not a native English speaker? This isn’t how sounds work in English prose (they are typically italicized).

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Beyond the opening, this is completely incoherent. You need a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12081187/1/Journey-of-a-Lifetime

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

[Nuvema town]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Nuvema Town”.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[‘Where is Bianca when you need her.’]

Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

[I didn’t know which starter for him to pick so to whoever reads this, you can pick his starter.]

Also, this is really something you should know before starting a trainer story. See this for more information: https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/143363660/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-2

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12081278/1/Rewriting-The-Pokemon-Series-Kanto-Adventures

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[-Pallet Town: Ash’s House-]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be obvious from context.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not obeying this rule makes your story impossible to understand, and thus makes me not want to read it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12081408/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Bonds-That-Will-Never-Break

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[My father lives in the Johto region, while my mother and I remained in Sinnoh. I didn’t see him much back then, but he did stop by once in a while. My father works for the Radio Tower in Goldenrod, and it’s a big deal. He was the guy who invented the Pokégear, after all. But that’s only one of his accomplishments. He used to live in the Kalos region, where he worked at the Poké Ball Factory, where he created the technology needed to make Dusk Balls and Dive Balls. My father has been a part of some other companies across this world, but he didn’t do much for them. He’s also competed in the Hoenn League, losing is the Grand Finals before switching dreams.]

What was his mother doing during this time?

[But mommy, why?]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[“GAH!” They shouted]

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but starting here you start to capitalize speech tags.

[“We do what we want for our own goals. And if that means taking that Larvitar and your necklace to reach that goal, we shall do it without hesitation.”]

No one talks like this, least of all organized criminals.

[“What are you saying…?” My mother questioned.]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

[The man who’s Bisharp]

“Whose”. “Who’s” always means “who is”.

[“I’m going to be safe… I will no longer have to feel any pain anymore after this… I’ll be fine… Just… promise me… get out of here… and know… that I love you.” The flames now have fully engulfed her. No screams… she accepted death.]

This is completely unbelievable. Death by fire is never this clean; you can’t just willpower your way through excruciating pain.

After that many cliches in a row, I’ve lost interest. You should read more fanfic in this genre to see what everyone else has done and how to avoid making the same pitfalls.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12081447/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-Soul-of-the-Corrupted

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Centering all your text makes it hard to read.

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. I assure you there are literally hundreds of fic with very similar openings. The quiz is not inherently interesting, nor does it make much sense outside of the context of the game. If you have a unique plot idea, you need to introduce it in the first chapter, or people will lose interest.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12081455/1/Home-for-the-lost

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

Not capitalizing “I” makes me not want to read your story. Try harder and get a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12082313/1/Ashs-betrayal

This is unreadable. Try harder and get a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12082677/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Volume-1-Story-of-Team-Unity

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Your prose is very sterile and simplistic, which isn’t very engaging. You should vary your sentence structure, experiment with more complex sentences, and describe the setting in more detail.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12083221/1/Pokedex-Files

[based of pokedex entries]

Typo.

You’ve got a lot of dropped commas throughout this, which makes things hard to follow. I’d advise reading up on proper comma usage and/or getting a beta reader.

[“Oh Parasect, you saved my life and you don’t even remember all the good times we had,” Hayden says staring down at the ground with tears welling up.

In a sudden movement Hayden draws the large bug into their lap and hugs it tight.

“That’s okay Parasect, we’re just going to have to make a whole heap of new memories,” Hayden says arms shaking slightly.]

Wow, that’s pretty callous. He doesn’t notice or care that his friend just died and got replaced with someone else?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12083416/1/VYCTORIE

[Modern Humans and Pokemon]

…Well, at least you’re being consistent. But you wouldn’t (or… shouldn’t) capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or human.

You don’t have to label chapters, FFN will do it for you.

[and undoubtedly brought the slaughter of countless pokemon, in particular the first and second World Wars laid waste to entire nations, and obliterated forests and the like within weeks.]

This is a run-on sentence. You’ve got similar problems throughout. I’d advise reading up on proper comma usage and/or getting a beta reader.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12083558/1/The-Second-Rule-of-Kalos

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or egg.

[Luxio, come on!]

This is as ridiculous as you being called “Human”. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s ridiculous and confusing. Your characters deserve actual names.

[You shoul be]

Typo.

[“Dad, he’s a Ground! He’s Immune!” Luxio finally exclaimed, recalling what he’d learnt at his training school back when he was a Shinx. Luxray’s eyes widened.]

Why wouldn’t an older pokemon know this? Are donphan rare in this area? (Also, “immune” shouldn’t be capitalized.)

[“We can’t win…” He growled.]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[She made up one third of the Starter Trio – a group of Pokemon who saved others, named because they were all starters.]

Why would pokemon who hate humans name themselves after a human label? Think about what you’re doing.

[it’s face]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[“Well that’s another human down” The]

Missing punctuation.

[“It’s ok.”]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

This looks sort of interesting, but it’s rather insubstantial as a first chapter – I have no idea about what led up to the present situation, or even what the present situation really is, and I don’t know what the story will be about from here on.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12083697/1/Dewott-s-Journey

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Why is everything bolded?

[Except, no one has even beat the Elite Four and gotten a chance even to compete against Alder.]

How is that possible? They’re not immortal. Alder, if no one else, must have defeated the elite four to get his championship.

[“I bet if I trained hard enough, I could beat them!” a certain pokemon thought in his mind.]

Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.

[“Aww man.” Dewott sighed.]

This is as ridiculous as you being called “Human”. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s ridiculous and confusing. Your characters deserve actual names.

Also, you’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Proffesor]

“Professor”. Spellcheck.

[Flashback]

This is jarring; generalized scene transitions are better. Time and place should be obvious from context.

A new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not obeying this rule makes your story incomprehensible, and thus makes me not want to read it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12083922/1/Subject-14

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[He soon learns that Team plasma and Team rocket have joined together to create a weapon for world destruction]

With compound names, the full phrase is capitalized, so this should be “Team Plasma” and “Team Rocket”. Also, why would the people who want to liberate pokemon want to work with the pokemon-abusing mafia? Even accounting for Plasma’s secret motivation, why would Ghetsis or Colress be willing to share power with anyone?

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[I looked around at my surrounding in slight fear.]

“surroundings”

[“Hmm…” A low voice said.]

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but you capitalized the speech tag here.

[whats going on]

Missing apostrophe.

[I should know I watched them to it to Crystal]

This needs a comma or other punctuation after “know”. You have many similar errors throughout, which makes the story hard to follow. I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help with this.

[“If you can’t even talk yet the-,” the boy was abruptly silenced.]

You don’t need that comma, and the narration should be capitalized, as it’s a separate sentence from the dialogue.

[of coarse]

“Course”. Coarse means rough.

Switching POVs in first-person is unwise. It’s often difficult to tell who the viewpoint character is, or that there’s even been a transition, unless we’re constantly reminded in the narration.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12084287/1/A-True-Pokemon-Friendship

[Summary is inside. Check it out if you like or not.]

No. Take five minutes to cut your summary down to a workable length. People should not have to give you unearned hits just to see what the story is about.

Also, nonstory chapters are banned. You need more than just the summary.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12085251/1/A-different-world

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This chapter doesn’t tell me anything about the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12085813/1/The-pokemon-master-s-journey

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

[bad summary: YES great story: Think so]

Don’t do this, it makes you look childish and desperate. Let your readers be the judge of your story’s quality.

The story itself is unreadable. You need a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12085859/1/Passage-of-Time

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

[Waste had been eminent from the very cause of the inferno]

I have no clue what this is trying to say. Focus on what you want to say before cramming in pretty phrasing.

[the active volcano and that their tiny village so precariously lived off of]

That “and” shouldn’t be there.

[The taste of ash and soot bathed over his tongue]

That’s a really weird way of phrasing it; was he sticking his tongue out? Sometimes less detail is better.

[to breath in]

“Breathe”. Breath is the noun.

[“I’m so sorry,” the same man crouched]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This becomes harder to understand the further I read. The prose is word salad, and you have too many grammar mistakes stacked on top of that. I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you convey your thoughts more clearly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12085899/1/Pokemon-NEX-GEN

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not obeying this rule makes your story impossible to understand, and thus makes me not want to read it.

[Cast

Liliana Mumy/Blaire Beckwith

Kate Bristol/Kyra Hartford

Marc Thomson/Lane Quinton

Bill Rogers/Jackson Baxter

Jeff Geddis/Riker Hartford

Daniel J. Edwards/Xander Quinn

Michael Sinterniklaas/Preston Crawford

Ted Lewis/Chancellor Erickson

Erica Schoeder/Dinah Beckwith]

Why are you doing this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12085915/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Bonds-of-One

[Serena is a young girl that shows very little interest in being a Pokémon Trainer, this all changes after Professor Sycamore gives her a letter requesting to travel across the Kalos Region and complete the Pokédex.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or region.

[shouted a girls voice sang, the voice sounded sweet and energetic at the same time. had tan skin]

Something seems to have gone wrong here.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Shauna happily greeted.]

Also, you’re overusing unusual speech verbs (and adverbs). Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[“No, why’s today different than any other day?” Serena questioned.]

This is especially a problem when you don’t know what the words mean. “Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

[Vaniville Town OST starts playing]

Don’t do this. You’re writing prose, not a movie script.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. I can assure you there are literally thousands of other fic with nearly identical openings and plotlines. If you have some interesting idea that sets you apart from the crowd, you should include it right out of the box; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12086108/1/The-Path-Beyond-Home

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[It struck the poor preteen on the leg that left him comatose for two years due to the poison, he was lucky to have lived at all; the doctors had told his parents.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. Also, that semicolon doesn’t work, and I’m not clear what the final clause is referring to. You have similar punctuation errors throughout, which makes the story very hard to follow. I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help with this.

[As night came upon the world Ben lay awake in his bed alongside Berry, “Berry, are you ready?”]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

While this is a bit different and more interesting than most trainerfic, this chapter still doesn’t give us a clear idea of where the story is going, or if there will even be a plot at all.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12086481/1/Pokemon-Colourless-Vol-1

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or mega. Or champion.

[And the Pokémon suffered along with its people.]

So pokemon aren’t people?

[Elite four]

For compound names, the whole phrase is capitalized. So this should be “Elite Four”.

[“Why? Why are you doing this, Entei?!” A boy shouted]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[the fighting had finally taking its toll]

That “had” shouldn’t be there.