“She inwardly flinched.”
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12087334/1/Pokemon-Advanceshipping-Drabbles
[Words: 501]
A drabble is a story consisting of exactly 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for any short story.
All sentences need to end in punctuation, not just some of them.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12087419/1/Looking-for-story
Non-stories are banned. You should post this on a forum rather than cluttering up the archive.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12087526/1/A-New-Dawn-Explorers-of-Sky-Novelization
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
[He saw nothing but the heavy rain]
Definitive articles imply familiarity, but you’ve never mentioned heavy rain before this, so it’s confusing. An earlier mention that there was a storm would make this clearer.
[She inwardly flinched.]
…How? Flinching is an involuntary, physical reaction.
[“Great!” the Riolu said in a rather cheery tone, “You’re awake!”]
You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but when narration breaks up two complete sentences of dialogue, the narration ends with a period, since it completes the first sentence. So this should be [“Great!” the Riolu said in a rather cheery tone. “You’re awake!”]
[she was drawn a blank]
This sounds awkward – “drawing a blank” is how it’s normally phrased.
[“Well, I’m Riolu,”]
Agh.
Look, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s ridiculous, confusing, and terrible writing, just as much as calling all your human characters “Human” would be. What are you going to do if you want more than one riolu character? Your characters deserve actual names.
[She may not have remembered much, but she knew humans were rather rare. They were practically mythical creatures to Pokémon.]
How would she know that? Is she possessing some poor pokemon and hijacking their memories?
[Bracing herself, she looked down. Sure enough, instead of human hands, she had little brown paws. She jumped up on all four paws]
You know, a lot of PMD fic does this, but it occurs to me… Humans have a sense that allows them to intuitively know where all their body parts are and in what configuration. A human transformed into a quadruped should immediately feel something’s wrong. I mean, surely she would at least have noticed she wasn’t standing upright?
[(How did this happen?) she thought]
You don’t need those parentheses, just italics is fine (and much less distracting).
[“That’s what I said,” She replied.]
Typo.
[“OK,” he continued]
You’re generally writing “okay” correctly but you used “OK” here for some reason.
[“Hey!” he shouted, “Why’d you do that?” The Zubat laughed.
“Can’t you figure it out?” he asked]
It’s a good idea to lump all of a speaker’s actions with their dialogue instead of literally only interrupting a paragraph for new dialogue (it’s confusing otherwise). The reason for the new speaker = new paragraph rule is because a new speaker is a new subject; it’s the speaker that’s really important, not the dialogue.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12087722/1/Prove-Them-Wrong
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.
[it’s owner]
You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12087866/1/A-new-beginning
Your title isn’t fully capitalized.
Your summary is a run-on sentence. I’d recommend reading up on proper syntax and/or getting a beta reader to help you.
[please review and tell me some recommendations for me to become a better writer]
Ah… hm.
https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar
https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/142410565/1/Writing-Guide-Part-Two-Story
You should definitely look at both of those.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12087983/1/Alice-Of-Unova-The-Story-Untold
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
[her neighbors Pidove]
Missing apostrophe.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Nuvema town]
Multiple-word names are fully capitalized, so this should be “Nuvema Town”.
[I’ll be back soon dad]
When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[“They get pushed around when they are our “partners” at work.”]
When you quote inside a quote, you use single quotes instead of double quotes; otherwise, the reader will be confused about where the dialogue ends. (If you quote inside a quote inside a quote, you go back to double quotes.)
[Pokemon are powerful creatures, a pokeball does not usually destroy a pokemon’s will. If they didn’t want to be with a trainer, most would fight back.]
It doesn’t “usually” turn them into a slave? So Ghetsis is absolutely right in at least some cases, then. How does she know she hasn’t been lied to about the statistics? Doesn’t she find it suspicious that every single pokemon goes from violently attacking a trainer to unwavering loyalty in the blink of an eye?
[Just call me N..]
Extra period. You’ve got many similar errors throughout.
[“You’re…a trainer? Does that mean you confine your friend to a pokeball?” She frowned and thought for a moment before shrugging.
“I have probably kept him out more than confined. I plan to have him outside whenever I can so we can bond.”]
I’m not sure why you think “I only abuse him sometimes and I only let him out so Stockholm syndrome can kick in” is a fair rebuttal to this. She is absolutely proving Team Plasma’s point.
[“Because trainers force their pokemon to battle!” The Oshawott in her lap protested at that, hugging his trainer tighter and glaring at N who seemed taken aback.
‘Alice wouldn’t do that!’]
Citation needed.
[but would you mind battling me and Purrloin]
If N can talk to pokemon, why doesn’t he know their actual names?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12088067/1/Number-571
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[everything will be fine.” I said wearily]
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Well, that ended abruptly. This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. That means you need to introduce your inciting event or major plot hook within the first chapter, or people are going to lose interest and forget about the story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12088079/1/Fangs-and-Claws
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[5 months later, March 6th]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12088080/1/A-War-of-Two-Kingdoms
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
You don’t have to title chapters, FFN’s chapter list is sufficient.
[A bell above the door of the shop rang as two travelers walked in, one being a lucario, while the other was a braixen, both being in their early twenties; the lucario wore a black shirt and black pants along with a long black coat that went down to his shins, where he wore steel plated black leather boots, a longsword could be seen strapped to his back over the symbol of the Kingdom of Dawn, being a slightly lighter shade of black than his coat.]
Right from the first sentence I can tell this is not going to be pokemon fanfic. A standard high fantasy story like this belongs on Fictionpress or Archive of Our Own.
[The braixen on the other hand had red hair that reached her lower back, she wore a light blue robe that reached down to her knees and hugged her hourglass figure, showing off her C-cup breasts nicely, the robe had a large dark blue collar that showed some of her cleavage and had slits in the sides of the bottom half to allow better mobility, her robe also beared the symbol of the Kingdom of Dawn, being a bright yellow, on her chest, she wore a large leather satchel with the sash going between her breasts, and in her hand she held a wooden staff with a red orb on the top.]
Also holy crap this is creepy. Get help.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12088909/1/The-Trial-of-a-New-Trainer
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or story.
When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
Your punctuation usage is all over the place – you’re using barely any commas and your semicolon placement is bizarre. This makes your story practically unreadable. You need to read up on proper comma usage and/or get a beta reader to help you.
This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. (It should be noted that the standard badge quest is not a plot.)
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12089296/1/Osea-Quest
Please make a summary that actually tells people what the story will be about.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Flashback A few minutes ago.]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12089501/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-OneTrueDream
[(Old and Sick)]
Are not proper nouns and therefore should not be capitalized.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[[Cough]]
This isn’t a comic book. You need to describe these sounds in prose.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This opening is virtually identical to literally tens of thousands of others in this category. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12089831/1/Pokemon-The-beginning-of-a-journey
Your title isn’t fully capitalized.
Speaking of titles, you might want to pick a more original one. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.
Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[[Flashback-3 years ago]]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“No can do, brother. Mom told me I have to keep an eye on you. We don’t want to go hunting out for you after you sneak out in the night and rain, now do we?”]
o_O No 7-year-old talks like this.
[Christina’s POV (3rd Person)]
Switching POVs within the same chapter like this is really jarring. I’d recommend just using third-person omniscient.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12090239/1/Pokemon-Y-Randomized-Nuzlocke
[We all know what nuzlcoke means]
Typo.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Hey dad]
When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
[The young trainer waits patiently as he waits for a reply, but the mysterious person says nothing. Minutes pass by until suddenly a spotlight shines on the guy, with him doing a weird pose.
“Hello, welcome the region of Kalos. And I am the fabulous professor of this region.” Continuing in his French accent, the man starts doing multiple poses. “You…may…call…me…AUGUSTINE SYCAMORE!”
The trainer just gives a dead pan stare at the multi-posing man. “Okay? Is all that posing really necessary?”
Ignoring the question, the man continues with another pose. “Tell me, are you a boy or girl?”
“You’re kidding? How can you not tell that I’m a guy?”
“Perfect, now tell me, what is your name?”]
This has already been done to death and I can assure you, it’s not nearly as clever or funny as you think it is. Calling attention to obvious gameplay abstractions that make no sense in a story is pointless.
On a similar note… What makes for a good game doesn’t necessarily make for a good story. The Nuzlocke rules do not make sense for a serious setting, and don’t inherently make for an interesting story besides. The standard journey story is already incredibly boring; what is really added by randomizing pokemon (thus destroying the suspension of disbelief that this could be a realistic ecosystem) and adding blood and guts (thus turning all trainers into sociopaths willing to murder innocents for petty goals)? Think about what you’re doing and what purpose the elements in your story serve.
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. You don’t even get to the Nuzlocke-ness in this chapter. Your readers are already familiar with the game’s opening, you don’t have to rehash it. If you have a plot or unique idea, you should start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12090524/1/High-school-love-Greninja-X-Delphox
Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story. This also doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Pokemon. If your pokemon characters are all acting exactly like humans, why not just write original fiction?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12090586/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Deluxe-and-Elite
This is unreadable. Try harder and get a beta reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12090734/1/Spirit-of-Fire
[Sorry if chapters are short, I’m hoping to add length to them as i get better. So for both of our sakes R&R. No Flames, those are never good for anybody. Don’t own cover photo.]
This should probably go in your author’s notes, not the summary.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This whole chapter is really breathless and confusing. You need a beta reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12090777/1/Pokemon-a-world-of-wilderness
Your title isn’t fully capitalized.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
[“spoken word”
-thoughts to self-]
I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong. I would also recommend using italics instead of dashes to denote thoughts, as dashes are often used for other things and could confuse the reader.
Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[Not that it bothered him at all, in fact, he likes]
This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.
Your tenses are all over the place, which is extremely disorienting. Pick past or present and stick with it.
[antisocial,because]
Missing space.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not obeying this rule makes your story incomprehensible, and thus makes me not want to read further.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12090963/1/Pokemon-True-Bonds
You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.
On a similar note, please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.
[it’s red roof]
You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.
[a Pokezine]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[Morning mum]
When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12090975/1/pokemon-death
Try harder.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12091078/1/eevee-the-forgotten-prince
Your title isn’t fully capitalized.
[named kayden]
Names are capitalized.
This is so riddled with errors it’s virtually unreadable. Try harder and get a beta reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12091104/1/Removed-and-Rebuilt
Not capitalizing “I” makes me not want to read your story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12091178/1/Pokemon-Amethyst
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or opposing. Or world.
Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is always a terrible idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.
Not capitalizing “I” makes me not want to read your story. Try harder.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12091613/1/Eevee-Royals
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or king. Or legendary. Or father.
[troyal family]
Typo.
[A prince must always look his best. He mumbled the bitter words]
If he said that aloud, it should have quotation marks.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This really doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Pokemon; everyone’s acting exactly like humans, complete with human customs and cultural norms. You’d be better off publishing this as original fiction on Fictionpress or Archive of Our Own.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12092062/1/here-is-a-challenge
Non-stories are banned. This kind of thing goes on a forum or blog post, not in the story archive.