https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12098675/1/Of-Life-and-Death
[But a foreboding presence threatens not only them, but the whole of Kalos]
Missing punctuation.
Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[Caleb Fisher groaned as he awoke from his slumber, his neat and tidy bedroom gradually coming into view. He blinked a few times, taking in his surroundings a little more, rubbed his eyes to rid them of any remaining sleep. Not wanting to waste any more time, he got out of bed, took a quick shower, and changed into his regular day clothes]
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. You say you plan on diverging from the games (which is good, because the games don’t have a plot) – this is one case where you should have done that too.
[standing at about 5’8″]
There’s nothing “about” about giving height down to the inch. Which you don’t need to do, by the way – it honestly just looks kind of silly.
[it’s large ears]
You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.
[“Morning Fennekin,” he said]
This needs a comma before “Fennekin”, as it’s a direct address. Also, he named her “Fennekin”? Really? That’s like calling your dog “Dog”.
You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. In case you don’t know the full rules, it’s: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. This applies even when dialogue ends in a ? or !. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[She asked, hopefully]
Missing punctuation.
[“Two of them are coming?” He questioned.]
“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.
[people and Pokemon]
So Caleb doesn’t consider pokemon to be people? Also, you wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or police.
[She was wearing a pink t-shirt with black sleeve ends and three large black bows down her torso, a pair of jean, short shorts with black lace at the end, showing off the majority of her tanned legs, and a pair of pink, strapped heels. Her face was rather cute, tan, just like the rest of her body, and rounded]
…
[She was very pretty, her face smooth and pale, with very little makeup applied.]
Okay, uh, you might want to take a step back and look at this alongside Trevor’s description paragraph:
[He had olive green eyes, not quite as deep a shade of green as Caleb’s, but still prominent, and had a rather small, shy face, his mouth quivering slightly, as if he was trying with all his might to speak. He was dressed in a green t-shirt, the same shade as his eyes, a pair of black jeans, and a pair of bright green shoes, with a rucksack on his shoulders, the same colour as his shoes. He wore a black camera around his neck, which he was absentmindedly playing with using his left hand.]
I’m finding it really skeevy that you give the boys fairly neutral and practical descriptions, but draw attention to the girls’ attractiveness and sexual characteristics. Think about what you’re doing.
[“Course it won’t,”]
“Course” requires an apostrophe in front, since it’s a contraction of “of course”. (Otherwise it creates ambiguity with the noun “course”.)
[Some time later]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.
This is really insubstantial for a first chapter. You’ve said a lot while also saying very little. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. The characters haven’t even started their pokemon journey yet – the entire chapter was spent establishing their personalities and backstories, but it’s all very bland and generic stuff we could have filled in ourselves given the information in the game. You say you’re making major changes, which I presume means you have an actual plot in the pipeline? That’s what you should put front and center, instead of focusing on things your audience is already abundantly familiar with. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12098699/1/Vanquish
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[change.Quickly]
Missing space.
[professor oaks]
Proofread.
[30 minutes early]
[In thirty minutes]
Be consistent about whether you’re writing out numbers. Writing them out is generally better.
Similarly, you need to decide whether you want past or present tense and stick with it. Switching tenses all over the place is extremely disorienting.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12098752/1/Pokemon-starter-battle-royale
Try harder.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12098922/1/Daydreams
Nonstory chapters are banned. This should go in the author’s note of your first chapter.
[(y/n) sister]
Don’t do this, it looks absolutely ridiculous. You can just say “your”.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12099045/1/Forever-Knight-Saga-of-the-Calling
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Pokemon. Everyone is acting exactly like humans. I’m sure Fictionpress or Archive of Our Own would love to host your original fantasy story, but its place is not here.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12099100/1/A-Pretty-Cool-Trainer
Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[it’s incubator]
You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.
[“This egg is very special, it will be your partner from now on and you must cherish it Eric.” Is what he told me.]
This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[f***ing huge]
If you don’t want to write uncensored swears, don’t write them at all.
In general, this is really hard to follow and kind of a mess. You need a beta reader.
[I am planning to add in a female heroine, but the problem is, who? And that’s where you guys come in. If you could give me suggestions, then that would be great!]
This is really something you should have planned out in advance. See this for more information: https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/143363660/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-2
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12099110/1/New-Dawn
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[” Ughhhh, where am I? “]
You’ve got extra spaces around your quotes. The story is filled with other formatting errors that make it very hard to follow. Proofread and preview your story before posting it.
This really doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Pokemon. Everyone is acting like humans, elves, or some other generic fantasyland inhabitant. I’m sure Fictionpress or Archive of Our Own would love to host your original fantasy story, but its place is not here.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12099208/1/Rising-Darkness
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or prologue.
This is better-written than a lot of the stuff on here, and I like that the dad is the one in danger instead of the mom. You do a good job of starting things off with a bang and introducing the characters. I still don’t have a clear idea of what the plot is going to be, however, and the chapter is quite short. The story might flow better if the first and second chapters were combined.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12099285/1/Aeroes
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[*clears throat*]
This isn’t a comic book. Sounds should be described in prose.
[A new law was passed that no one under 10 could own a Pokemon, and that no one under 15 could acquire a trainer license]
Raising the age of newbie trainers is generally a bad idea. I’d recommend reading this: https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/142926917/1/TRAINERS-START-AT-TEN
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[2 Years Later]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.
A new speaker means a new paragraph. Not obeying this rule makes your story incomprehensible, and thus make me not want to read it.
[A human girl turned into a Radiation Vulpix, Aka Alolan Vulpix, wake up without any memories and teams up with a Charmander in his team, Flaming Heart, and start a journey to search answers. As she go on the journey, will she survive? Will she find her lost memories? Or did she lost something more important than her memories?]
So this is going to be exactly like every PMD fic ever, then? If you have some unique idea that sets you apart from the crowd (like, say, a plot), you should showcase it.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Centering all your text makes it difficult to read.
[Look I can´t lose time with this]
This needs a comma after “look”. You’ve got similar wonkiness throughout, which makes some things difficult to understand; I’d advise reading up on proper comma usage and/or getting a beta reader to help you.
[you will not be capable of come to that world]
“Coming”, not “come”. You definitely need a beta reader.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
While this opening is slightly different from most PMD, this is still too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. A single conversation with no narration or context does not do that. This should be part of your first chapter, not stand on its own.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12100352/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-Sons-of-Liberty
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Please note English is not my first language. I’m looking for beta readers.]
I think your writing is pretty good, but it’s good you’re being proactive. You can look here: https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
[We’re ready to return to the fort at your signal.” the Pokémon said.]
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[Since his species’ eyes were not totally developed, he could not see much at night and he had to use his ears to try and locate other Pokémon.]
Ah, nonhuman biology is actually playing a factor! I like that. Too much pokemon-centered fic has them acting exactly like humans and that’s just boring.
[Cynder got up, tears falling from his eyes.]
Why would a fire pokemon cry water, though? :p
[an asleep Mudkip]
This sounds a little awkward – “a sleeping mudkip” would be the more common phrasing.
[his elemental affinity]
Seems a bit weird for pokemon to think of it this way. This isn’t like wizards in a fantasy setting where everyone’s basically the same except for magic powers; the types are an intrinsic part of their biology.
[he didn’t find acceptable leaving that Mudkip there]
Seems like there should be an “it” before “acceptable” here.
[While Cynder was immersing in his thoughts, Marvin had finished his berry and was now looking directly at him.]
Who’s Marvin? You don’t introduce him before this.
[“Isn’t that a bit generic?” he asked. “It’s like calling a Pikachu Sparky or something.”]
Or like calling a cyndaquil “Cynder”? :p
This is pretty good overall. You have a lot of action right from the start and get us introduced to the characters quickly, while providing hints of a very different plot than what’s in the games. But you should probably get a beta reader; you have quite a few errors.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12100357/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-Aura-Guardians
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice. Story titling is the same.
You need more paragraphs. Giant walls of text are off-putting.
[THEY WERE THE ONES THAT GAVE US THE SANITY OF THEIR WISDOM.]
…What is that supposed to mean?
[“NO… WE THANK YOU!” The white one answered.]
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This is a pretty generic opening that doesn’t give much information. Who are these characters? What is the story actually going to be about? Most importantly, why should I care? The first chapter should answer those questions.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12101122/1/Team-instinct-drabbles
Your title isn’t fully capitalized.
[Words: 326]
A drabble is a story consisting of exactly 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for any short story.
This is a mess. You need a beta reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12101153/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-the-Untold-Stories
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or adventure.
Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[Katherine a pokemon ranger at the age of 18 has freshly left the Kalos region to explore this new Pokémon island gathering, the island where all the legendaries migrate to that island and along with the legendaries the greatest Pokémon trainers as well.]
This is incoherent. You need to read up on proper comma usage and get a beta reader.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12101304/1/Pokemon-Bunko-A-Fakemon-Story-Tentative-Title
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[The Charizard zoomed from behind and grabbed the prey. The smaller Pokemon grunted and squirmed as the dragon’s claws dug into its body.
“Flamethrower,” the rider spoke.
The Charizard spewed a column of flame into the prey’s face]
If it grabbed it from behind, how is it breathing fire into its face?
[As it glided to a stop beside Charizard, the rider spoke,]
“Spoke” is, ironically, not a speech verb, so that should actually be a period. Good job on writing dialogue correctly otherwise, though.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12101304/2/Pokemon-Bunko-A-Fakemon-Story-Tentative-Title
[his new traveling clothes-a light blue polo shirt]
Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.
[“I hope Rachel put more thought into her outfit than I did,” Shane said casually. “She’s the one who’s going to be a Pokemon master.”]
Ah, it’s nice to see the girl getting the more ambitious career trajectory for once.
[blue nylon jumper over a white T-shirt, navy cargo pants, brown tennis shoes, and a purple cap crowning her black hair]
[…]
[“It’s not an outfit a a girl your age would wear.”]
…Why? Also, you’ve got a typo here.
Though this is more active than most trainerfic openings, it’s still pretty generic. It might have been better to skim over this part and introduce the “first calamity” in the first chapter. That is, after all, what your story is primarily going to be about, yes?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12101479/1/Pokemon-A-Hybrid-s-tale-rewrite-of-pokemon-the-hybrid
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
[“Gentlemen we have had recent setbacks.” Giovanni began, there were murmurs of agreement.]
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
You also need a comma after “gentlemen”, as it’s a direct address, and the second sentence is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.
In general, I’d recommend reading up on proper comma usage and/or getting a beta reader to help you.
[****************************************Line Break*******************************************]
FFN lets you make horizontal lines, you do realize.
[A woman tall, but skinny, the type that just screamed bad]
Since when does body type correlate to morality? I think I’m done here.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12101745/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Seekers-of-Truth
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[A Riolu is left alone in a forest, knowing only that she used to be human, and that she is there for some purpose that was left unknown to her. Together, she and a Fennekin will go to find out the truth of a Pokemon world shrouded in darkness.]
So this is going to be exactly like every PMD fic ever is what you’re telling me. If you have some unique premise, advertise that specifically instead of using generic word salad.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
[1st song: Personality test from Explorers of T/D/S]
Don’t do this. You’re writing a story, not a movie script.
[I will be your guide, I have a task for you, but please, first tell me about yourself.]
This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence into multiple parts or use different transitions.
Opening a PMD story with the interview is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. It’s very obviously a game abstraction. If it’s not going to tie into some major plot point, don’t include it.
[(I’m… a Riolu. Like the voice said…)]
Bold is extremely jarring in prose. I’d advise using something else, such as italics.
[I’m sorry that this first chapter was so short, but hopefully they will get longer as the story progresses.]
If you know it’s too short, fix it instead of apologizing. You’re not on a deadline.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12102007/1/Pokemon-Adventure
Please provide an actual summary.
[*Bump*]
This isn’t a comic book. Sounds should be described in prose.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This is incoherent. You need a beta reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12102544/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-LeafGreen-Nuzlocke-Challenge
You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The records of a new trainer named Riki as he goes along his Pokémon Journey with a set of challenge most trainers won’t have to face.]
So this is going to be like every Nuzlocke fic ever is what you’re telling me. If you have some unique and interesting idea, advertise it instead of saying this generic thing.
Furthermore, keep in mind that what makes for a good game doesn’t necessarily make for a good story. The Nuzlocke rules do not make sense for a serious setting, and don’t inherently make for an interesting story besides. The standard journey story is already incredibly boring; what is really added by turning trainers into sociopaths willing to butcher innocents for petty goals?
Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[Pallet town]
All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Pallet Town”.
[my names not really Riki]
Missing apostrophe.
[I tried asking mom]
When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
[since I was about 4 years old]
In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.
[“I don’t have any online storage, though”]
Missing punctuation.
This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. Rehashing the game’s opening – the same opening that every one of your readers is already intimately familiar with – does not do that. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12102628/1/An-Abnormal-Pokemon-Journey
You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Pokémon from all regions showing up all over the place, Gyms now ten times harder forcing trainers to push their teams to the limit and sometimes beyond those limits/span.]
Why is this important? You’re writing a story, not making a game pitch.
Your summary should not be its own chapter. Nonstory chapters are banned.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12102686/1/The-child-of-thorns-A-Platinum-story
Your title isn’t fully capitalized.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Inyssa Dawn and Barry Paladino embark on their long awaited Pokemon journey, looking to become the Champion of Sinnoh. But dark clouds are cast over the region; a strange criminal team, a trio of legendary Pokemon and a familiar ghost from the past, how will they overcome this adventure?]
So it’s going to be like every journeyfic ever is what you’re telling me. If you have some unique and interesting idea (you say you have your “own twists on the story”, so I assume there’s something), you should advertise that up-front. Using the same cookie-cutter summary everyone else does is just going to make readers skip over this.
[a Nuzlocke retelling]
Also… keep in mind that what makes for a good game doesn’t necessarily make for a good story. The Nuzlocke rules do not make sense for a serious setting, and don’t inherently make for an interesting story besides. The standard journey story is already incredibly boring; what is really added by turning trainers into sociopaths willing to butcher innocents for petty goals?
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[His eyes were cold and stern, Inyssa felt like they were looking right through her.]
This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.
This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12103179/1/Missing-In-Action
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Well, that ended abruptly.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12103305/1/The-Red-Mirror
You’ve got coding errors. Preview your story before posting it.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12103339/1/Conspiracy
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.