https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12103663/1/The-Story-of-a-Boy-and-his-Growlithe
[Will Thompson, a young aspiring trainer, is starting his pokemon journey with a set of unusual starters. Will is on a journey to be the very best. He will face challenges and maybe will find love.]
So this is going to be like every original trainer fic ever is what you’re telling me. If you have some unique and interesting plot idea (and you should), you should advertise that instead of using this bland, generic thing.
Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice. This is especially confusing when the name you give in the story and the name in the dropdown are different.
You need to use more paragraphs. Giant walls of text are very off-putting.
[It was the day before the biggest day of his whole entire life.]
Whom does “his” refer to here? Opening a story with a pronoun reference is generally a bad idea, as it’s very confusing.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[the best trainer in the World, Ash Ketchum battling against]
This needs a comma after “Ketchum”, as his name is an aside.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes your story incomprehensible, and thus makes me not want to read it.
You need a beta reader. Start looking here:
www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar
www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/142410565/1/Writing-Guide-Part-Two-Story
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12104163/1/The-seven-rings-book-one-so-the-adventure-begins
Your title isn’t fully capitalized.
[seven ring’s]
That apostrophe shouldn’t be there.
[Oh and bishop is a bisharp pokehuman and toffee is a eevee.]
This should go in your author’s notes. The summary should tell readers about the overall story. On that note, you really should add more. I have no idea what the story is about from this summary.
Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[(A/N: his previous two girlfriends were evil trying to get rid of the adventurers guild which is where Bishop and the others work.)]
Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is always a terrible idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This gets more incoherent the further I read. You need a beta reader. Start looking here:
www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar
www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/142410565/1/Writing-Guide-Part-Two-Story
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12104373/1/A-Journey-of-Trainers
[Have you ever wondered what true friendship is like? This is just a guess if you did, ‘True Friendship is like a rose much like love, it can be beautiful if careful but painful if not.’ well that was my guess. Bonds with friends and pokemon are much like what I described…Enough of my rambling just sit back and relax while you read this story.]
This is incoherent. Slow down and make sure you’re conveying information properly when you write.
[“Pokemon Speaking”
‘Pokemon Thought’
“People Speaking”
‘People Thought’
“Telepathy”
“Pokedex”]
I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong. Furthermore, using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud. Additionally, using “ and ‘ to mean different things is confusing because they look so similar. I would recommend using different symbols, such as {}.
[-LINE]
FFN’s editor lets you insert lines, you do realize?
[English is not my first language so expect bad grammar, also punctuations.]
If English isn’t your first language and you know you have trouble with it, why are you using it in the most difficult application possible? Prose writing is difficult even for native speakers, and the grammar must be perfect. I would recommend writing in your native language until you get better at English; failing that, you need a beta reader, because your grammar is indeed bad (though admittedly, not much worse than what I’ve seen from native speakers). Start looking here: www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12104480/1/An-Altered-Journey
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Meet Colin. A sinnoh native boy who has just received his first Pokemon: a Riolu.]
That first period should be a comma, and “Sinnoh” should be capitalized.
[his father, Roark sends him out]
This needs a comma after “Roark”, as the name is an aside.
[Barry, Dawn and Lucas]
This needs a comma after “Dawn”, as every item in a list must be followed by a comma.
[Twinleaf town]
All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Twinleaf Town”.
[A quick disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Pokemon and respect that. Game freak don’t sue me.]
Gamefreak doesn’t sue fanfic authors, so putting this in a place as important as your summary just looks really silly. Chill.
[how will his adventure unfold? Will it be a normal one, or does something seek to ruin it?]
So this is going to be exactly like every original trainer fic ever is what you’re telling me. If you have some unique and interesting idea to spice up your story (and you should), you should advertise that up-front instead of using this generic thing that tells me absolutely nothing about the story.
Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[Roark’s only Pokemon remaining was his trusty Cranidos; as the challenger had knocked out his Geodude and Onix.]
That semicolon should be a comma. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes your story incomprehensible, and thus makes me not want to read it.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12104550/1/An-Eevee-s-fate
Your title isn’t fully capitalized.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[there way home]
You want “their”, the possessive. “There” refers to locations.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[“Jon, it’s time for breakfast!” His mother called]
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.
Your narration is really choppy and reads more like a summary. You should slow down and focus more on what’s going on, as well as the characters’ emotions and thoughts.
This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. You’ve introduced the premise in a very general manner, but I still know nothing about the characters, where they’re going, or why I should care. See here for more information: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12104558/1/Pokemon-Pichu-vs-Lucario
This is completely incoherent. Try harder and get a beta reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12104876/1/Pokemon-Dimensional-Cross
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[In this calm before the storm, many heroes will prepare for their biggest trial]
This sentence is missing punctuation.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
[each others existence]
Missing apostrophe.
[In a lab…]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[The floating cat-like creature, looks in despair, hoping in vain that it will go home.]
I’m sorry, but this is just incomprehensible. You need to read up on syntax and sentence construction, and focus on what information you’re trying to convey.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12105055/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Inner-Fire
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
[My partner attached a clip to part of the climbing rope and resumed scaling the cliff face. I followed parallel to the other climber and grabbed a foothold. It was covered in moss and the plant gave way, causing me to fall off the side of the cliff.
The rope caught me, and I gave the thumbs-up to my partner. He nodded and resumed climbing, while I got back over to the rock face and found new footholds to continue. A scary incident, surely, but I knew that the rope was secure enough that it wouldn’t give.]
This doesn’t sound like I’m in the head of someone narrating events while they happen. This narrator is extremely emotionless and removed from the events, which is really weird. I’d recommend reading this discussion on the pros and cons of first-person narration: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/topic/11834/143126539/1/POV-and-You
[“What was that, Dave?” I yelled. “I don’t know! If it gets much worse we might need to rappel back down just in case, you know?”]
A new speaker requires a new paragraph.
[There was nobody here; nobody anywhere nearby]
That semicolon should be a comma. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here.
[Are you OK?]
It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.
[I’m Charmander]
That makes as much sense as you being named “Human”; that is to say, none at all. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this, but the Mystery Dungeon games are not exactly pinnacles of good writing. Your characters deserve actual names.
This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. It doesn’t end on a “cliffhanger” so much as it just cuts off in the middle of a scene. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. Rehashing the same opening from the games that everyone is already intimately familiar with does not do that. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12105240/1/Across-The-Regions
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[an armor clad Altaria]
…
Look, if you want to write an original fantasy story, you can write an original fantasy story. But you should do so on Fictionpress or Archive of Our Own, as FFN is for fanfiction only.
Also, this is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. A single, vague scene does not do that. See here for more information: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12105404/1/Love-Rivals-and-Thunderbolts-The-Championship-League
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
All commas need to have spaces after them. Not following this rule makes me not want to read your story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12105504/1/The-Great-Pokemon-War
[19 years ago the world changed.]
Starting a sentence with numerals is considered bad form; it looks nicer if they’re written out. Also, you need a comma after “ago”.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
I am glad you are not capitalizing individual species, however.
[People and their Pokemon were pitted against one another]
Sounds like the humans deserved it, since they apparently don’t consider pokemon to be people.
Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[the sun began peaking over the hills]
You want “peeked”. “Peak” means to reach a local maximum.
[the suns position]
Missing apostrophe.
[It was the epicenter for the first bombing that Twilight Town received, and luckily it has held together for so long.]
Using “and” sounds a little weird here. “But” or “It was lucky it…” sounds more natural.
[twenty five]
Numbers like this should be hyphenated. Also, if you’re writing this out, you should write out smaller numbers (such as 19) as well.
[“Belle!” She squealed]
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[the two large, wood doors swung open revealing the Mayor]
This needs a comma after “open”.
[for what it right]
Typo.
[aid the Ignis Region]
This is a bit nitpicky, but, why are they styling it this way? This setting sounds post-apocalyptic, where nations have fractured into insular regions. Why wouldn’t they still call them regions and not countries? You don’t often hear patriotic cries to “defend the European region”, after all; it’s “to defend France” or “to defend Russia”, you know?
[I took a couple deep breaths of composure]
This wordiness is at odds with the tone of the scene. This is a tense event where Belle is very anxious and things are happening quickly; having her pause to note the exact number of breaths she took, that they were deep, and that they were for composure slows things down and thus works against that atmosphere. Generally, if someone is taking deep breaths at a stressful event, you don’t need to specify that it’s for composure; that’s pretty obvious.
[all of the fear and doubt that I had in my mind became amplified and I felt as though it was going to engulf me in a swirling, black hole.]
Same here. “Amplified” is a pretty sophisticated word for someone this stressed to be thinking.
Well, this is a lot more original than most of what I’ve seen here, but I still feel this is a bit lacking for a first chapter. I still don’t have any context for what’s going on. Where are they? What is the war? Why did it start? Are they winning or losing? Who are these people, and why should I care about them? The first chapter should answer those types of questions to get the reader hooked and invested in the story. This feels like the first half of a first chapter, not something that stands on its own.
Why are so many people confusing peek and peak? It’s the most common homophone mixup I’ve seen by far!
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12107108/1/Pokemon-Royal-Circuit
Nonstory chapters are banned on this site.
I really don’t understand what you’re expecting with this OC form. There’s no personality section… you don’t even ask for appearance. A name attached to a pokemon team isn’t really a character — you don’t even ask for battling style or pokemon personality or anything that would be relevant for a tournament. You might as well just use a random generator.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12105764/1/Steamy-Mishaps
[I had spent the morning and most of the afternoon talking with Magearna. showing her the many Pokemon]
That period should be a comma.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Portraying the legendaries as wacky annoying kids was not funny the first time it was done, and it’s been done thousands of times by now. This doesn’t have anything to do with Pokemon. Go to Fictionpress or Archive of Our Own to host your original fiction.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12105916/1/Timeless-Spaceless
[his goal is to proof the myths of Sinnoh were true]
“prove”
[it’s myths]
You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.
[pokemons]
“Pokemon” – the plural is the same as the singular.
[“After all, I have seen Mespirit!” The boy with blue short, spikey hair in his pyjamas yelled on the top of his lungs.]
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Also, it should be “at the top of his lungs”.
I checked the reviews and you say you’re not a native English speaker. It is… really obvious, sorry. I advise you to stick to writing stories in your native language for now. Writing stories is the most difficult possible application of a language, and attempting it before you’re confident in your skills will likely just result in frustration for both you and your readers.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12106046/1/Pokemon-mystery-dungeon-strikers
Capitalize your title properly.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story. Try harder.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12107077/1/Kalos-Prep-Here-I-Come
All commas need spaces after them. When you don’t do this, it’s really hard to follow the story.
[I’d recommend pm because I can talk to you about it if need be]
You can also do this through reviews. Just click the word balloon button when viewing the review list.
[I dont want trainers starting with dragonites and stuff as soon as they arrive.]
Uh, why not? Trainers start at ten. It’s totally reasonable for 14-year-olds to be carting around demigods.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12106293/1/When-Two-Become-One
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or starter.
[my dad is a Pokémon Researcher and my mom works for the Pokémon Daycare]
9_9 Of course she does.
[Mom and dad]
When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
It’s very impressive that you dedicated all that space to explaining why you have an older trainer, but it doesn’t change the fact that older trainers are generally bad ideas, and I don’t see what this really adds. I’d recommend reading this: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/topic/11834/142926917/1/TRAINERS-START-AT-TEN
Opening your story with a dry infodump isn’t terribly engaging. I now have a decent idea of who the protagonist is, but I have no idea what the plot will be like or how this is going to be any different from every trainerfic ever. It’s best to start where your plot starts, and bring up relevant backstory information organically; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12106306/1/Phantom-Thief
Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[“Take the day off,” he waved his hand]
When narration doesn’t contain a speech tag, it’s a separate sentence and can be capitalized appropriately. So this should be [“Take the day off.” He waved his hand] since you can’t wave a sentence.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
While this is definitely different, I have to wonder what the point of tying it to the Pokemon world is. There don’t seem to be any elements in the story that are dependent on the Pokemon elements, or that interact with them in any significant way. Unless there’s some pokemon-based explanation for the protagonist’s powers, or he has to clash with superpowered monsters on a regular basis, it seems like this could be published as original fiction.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12106958/1/A-Chance-from-Survival
You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. If you’re unclear on the full rules, it’s: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[papers-acceptance letters, Solana noted- on the desk]
Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.
[“I have my reasons Liz.”]
This needs a comma before “Liz”, as it’s a direct address.
This is rather insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. You’ve introduced the protagonist but not much else. What is this story about, and why should I care? The first chapter should answer those questions. See here for more information: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12107024/1/Change-The-World
This is full of run-on sentences, which makes it practically unreadable. You need to read up on comma usage and sentence construction, and/or get a beta reader to help you. Start here: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. For more information, look here: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12107459/1/Strangers-We-Know
[2nd person narration? Terrible, right?]
No, it’s fine as long as you know what you’re doing. You might like to look at this, which discusses POV choices in more detail: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/topic/11834/143126539/1/POV-and-You
[rumours about the mortality rate aren’t just as funny anymore.]
This sounds a bit strange to my ear – “just aren’t as…” or “aren’t quite as…” sound more natural.
[You snort, taking a sip of lukewarm coffee before grimacing at the taste, ‘coming from you, I find that hard to believe.’]
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[the brunette]
This is the feminine form. You want “brunet”. You should also lean away from using appearance-based epithets in general, as epithets should be immediately relevant to the character and scene. If all we knew about this character was that he had brown hair, this would make sense, but the circumstances are different here.
[Or arceus forbid]
While I admire your commitment to keeping pokemon names uncapitalized, “Arceus” is name and does need to be capitalized. However, using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon, so I’d advise against using it in the first place. It’s fine to assume they have a religion like Christianity and just use “God”.
[‘After four years of blood, sweat, and tears might I add.’
Your brother leans back in triumph, but something seems. Off. ‘How the tables have turned! Has that always been a sore spot for you, or is this new?’
That little—
‘Nerves, actually,’ you grind out, recovering with all the aplomb of a rock, ‘I keep thinking “What’ll I do if I get stationed at the next city Donnie will have to visit for a badge?” I shudder even considering it.’
‘Messy execution. You’re not even close to living this down.’
Dear self. I’m not mad at you for getting one-upped by a fourteen year-old, just disappointed.]
I have absolutely no idea what’s going on here. Am I supposed to?
[Is Shiva up and flying about?’ You’d be surprised if she]
Shiva is a male deity, so that’s an odd choice of name for a female.
[hail or high water]
Unless you’re purposefully changing it to make a point, the phrase is “hell or high water”.
This is interesting, but really confusing. Your prose borders on purple sometimes, and the characters reference a lot of events without clear explanation. Perhaps that’s supposed to be the point, but I do feel the story could be a bit clearer.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12107558/1/Wanderlust
I am pleased that you are not capitalizing pokemon.
[I remember noticing the lights first. They were those florescent bulbs that were trying really hard to convince you that they weren’t florescent bulbs; the kind that comes with built-in background music in the form of constant, irritating buzzing. They made the room feel really warm. But not the kind of natural, comforting warm of the sun. No, it was more of a stale, dry warmth.]
This is a really nice detail. It’s not often that stories mention these things.
[choose between 3]
In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.
[“Ok,”]
It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.
[Not only was the shell occupied, It was looking at me.]
Errant capital.
This is really well-written and detailed, and you make good use of first-person. It still feels a little insubstantial for a first chapter, though – you’ve done a good job of introducing the protagonist, but I still have no idea what the plot is going to look like. I don’t even have a good idea of what Barney is like, and I presume he’s going to be pretty important. It seems like pokemon journeying has been discontinued, which is interesting, but this chapter doesn’t give us any details.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12107838/1/Power-Within
[without showing any signs of neither hesitation nor regret.]
You’ve got way more words than you need here. “Showing signs of neither hesitation nor regret” is fine and much clearer, though it’s still somewhat overwrought.
[Eventually however,]
This needs a comma after “eventually”, as “however” is an aside.
[tries to do even more impact than before]
And I can’t understand what this is trying to say at all. Focus on what information you want to convey before making the sentence pretty.
[and this was the boy’s biggest and only dream;
To achieve what they could do, to be equal to them, to stand with them.]
You want a full colon here, not a semicolon.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. For more information, look here: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This and many other grammatical errors make your story very hard to follow. I would recommend getting a beta reader. Start here: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar and www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12108453/1/Shared-Victories
I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.
[She does this for everything, and there’s no helping it…My name’s Wilbur Shelly Yanderson]
That’s a rather abrupt transition. It might look nicer for the second sentence to be a new paragraph.
[I just see a green eyed, black-haired boy with peach skin.]
That’s… a really awkward way to give us the description of the narrator. I don’t think many people think of themselves in terms of physical appearance.
[That’s right, Mom was a trainer as well, and she was a pretty darn good one at that! She’s the best on her side of the family, and routinely battles (and wins) against my father.]
After seeing dozens of trainerfic where the mom is the worse trainer or not a trainer at all, I appreciate this.
[“Slowpoke slow…” Slowpoke says]
So he’s literally named Slowpoke? That makes as much sense as you being named “Human”. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s ridiculous and confusing. Your characters deserve actual names, especially when they’re supposedly considered family by the trainer.
[I come across two people on a bench. The first, a female […] The second, a male […] Helen and Langston were two of my closest friends]
Then why is he referring to them with the most awkward and clinical epithets imaginable? You should generally avoid using “male” and “female” as epithets, they sound really weird.
[I look over to the African American]
And this is even worse. You’re overusing epithets in general; they’re only supposed to be used when they’re immediately relevant.
You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. In case you don’t know the full rules, it’s: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This is much better-written than most trainerfic I’ve seen, but it’s still running into a common problem: there’s no plot in sight. What is this story going to be about, and why should I care? Those questions should be answered by the end of the first chapter, and they’re not. You should start the story where the plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.
I would recommend reading these for further advice and information about trainer fic:
www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/topic/11834/143106745/1/Things-to-Consider-in-OT-Fic
www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1
www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/topic/11834/143363660/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-2
www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/topic/11834/143662066/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-3
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12108963/1/Shipping
Please make a summary that actually tells people what the story is about.