In which I finally conquer FFN’s link stripper. We also have some really weird ones today, including an interactive fakemon adventure and a grimdark war story where pokemon act exactly like humans, right down to using rifles instead of any of their natural weapons.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12114321/2/Fresh-Start-New-Beginnings

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or executive. For more information, look here: fanfiction(dot)net|/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[You got this boss!]

This needs a comma before “boss”, as it’s a direct address.

[Venusaur use Hyper Beam,]

And this needs a comma after “Venusaur”. (Also, she named her venusaur “Venusaur”? Seriously? That’s like naming your dog “Dog”.)

[The female trainer casted a look of fear on her face.]

You want “cast”, not “casted”, but this is a weird way of saying it regardless.

[She looked to her right and saw her previous Pokémon; every single one of them covered in blood and a lifeless gaze in their eyes.]

You want a comma here, not a semicolon. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here.

[despite that it couldn’t move for a temporary amount of time]

This sounds off – “despite the fact that it…” would work better.

It’s nice to see Team Rocket being actually dangerous, though it would help if we actually knew what they were doing that made Reed want to stop them in the first place. I presume it’s a bit more complex than the petty crime they were doing in the games.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12114321/3/Fresh-Start-New-Beginnings

[they’re victory]

“their”

I don’t see how upping the age limit to 16 would do anything to help here. A few more years of maturity isn’t going to save you from a pack of wild animals. If the authorities really cared about the kids, they’d give them stronger pokemon to start with, or more escape ropes.

[You had amazing characters that I felt I couldn’t show their true identities without changing them and making them more my characters than yours.]

If that’s a significant concern, then you should really be making your own OCs instead of relying on other people to give you what you want. It sounds like you should really look at this: f|a|nfic|tion|.|n|e|t|/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-OCs

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12115927/1/Flightless

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. For more information, look here: f|a|n|f|i|c|t|i|o|n|.|n|e|t|/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[slept- well- like a rock]

Using hyphens in place of dashes is confusing, especially when they’re weirdly spaced like this. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[“Oh sure, the girl with the rich scientist aunt ‘chipped in’.” he moaned]

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but you used a period instead of a comma here.

[“C’mon, just a bit more…” but then the Pikachu shook its head]

And when narration doesn’t contain a speech tag, it’s considered a separate sentence and is capitalized accordingly. So this should be [“C’mon, just a bit more…” But then the Pikachu shook its head].

This is much better-written than most trainer fic, and I like that the kids are actually considering the ethics of capturing pokemon. I would have liked to get a better idea of the plot – the summary implies this is a bit different than the standard trainer journey story – but this introduces the characters pretty well.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12115953/1/Pokemon-XYZ-The-Shadow-Project

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. For more information, look here: f|a|n|f|i|c|t|i|o|n|(|d|o|t|)|n|e|t|/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[worrying some of the scientist]

You want “scientists”, plural.

[“I don’t understand why the boss left this thing with us…he knows it’s a monster…!” A scientist mumbled.]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[The male remained calm despite the angry Tyranitar, this wasn’t his first time dealing with Pokémon of that nature.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. Also, “male” and “female” are incredibly awkward epithets you should avoid using.

[Though he did have worries of a worst case scenario occurring.]

And this is a sentence fragment. You need to read up on proper sentence structure and/or get a beta reader to help you.

[This voice also belonged to a member of Cipher; Lovrina.]

You want a full colon here, not a semicolon. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12116035/1/Far-From-Home

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or lab. Please direct any concerns to this thread: f|a|n|f|i|c|t|i|o|n| (|d|o|t|) |n|e|t|/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[“So you still haven’t decided yet, huh sweetie?” His mother said]

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but you capitalized the speech tag here.

[‘Am I even ready for this?’ he thought]

Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.

[“You alright, Kohaku? You’ve been awfully quiet.” she asked]

You need a comma instead of a period here.

[Liam thought for a moment.

“…No, I can’t,” he said after a moment.]

It’s generally clearer to pair actions with dialogue. The real reason a new speaker means a new paragraph is because a new speaker is a new subject, so shifting to describing another character’s actions generally starts a new paragraph too.

This is rather insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. You’ve introduced the characters and something dramatic has happened, but I still have no idea what the plot is going to be or what the rest of the story will be like. See here for more information: |f|a|n|f|i|c|t|i|o|n| |(|d|o|t|)| |n|e|t|/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12116231/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Beyond-the-Stars

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction [dot] net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[in a large lush forest was a Pikachu and a Cyndaquil walking through it]

This is passive voice, and it’s extremely awkward-sounding. The pickachu and cyndaquil are what’s important here; they should be the subject of the sentence. What you have here turns them into an object while the forest is the subject, which doesn’t make sense.

[Both were of their way to a place known as Breezy Village, a place known for its peacefulness and friendly villagers. Within Breezy Village was a place known as]

Repeating words and phrases sounds awkward. You should vary your wording to make this less repetitive.

[“What do you mean,” Pikachu asked.]

Shouldn’t this have a question mark?

[Cyndaquil nodded, “I was thinking the same thing.”]

Non-speaking verbs are their own sentences, and are punctuated accordingly. So this should be [Cyndaquil nodded. “I was thinking the same thing.”] since you can’t nod a sentence.

[your alive]

You want “you’re”. “Your” is the possessive.

Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.

This is incredibly dry and sterile. Neither your characters nor your descriptions have any personality. This is also very insubstantial for a first chapter – you’ve done nothing to distinguish this story from the literally tens of thousands of PMD fic with the exact same opening. If you have a plot, you should start there; you’re not required to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12116312/1/The-Second-Time-Around

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: f|a|n|f|i|c|t|i|o|n| {|d|o|t|} n|e|t|/|topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[After failing his first venture as a trainer at fifteen—at the first hurdle, no less]

How is it possible to fail at being a trainer? Does this setting operate under Nuzlocke rules? It also seems pretty clear that it’s not necessary to do gyms in the exact order you do them in the games – otherwise, trainers native to Cinnabar or Saffron would be pretty screwed.

[People—mostly teenagers—were all gathered around the front, Pokemon at their feet. An older man in a lab coat was speaking to them about their responsibilities and the rules of being a trainer.]

Likewise, it’s pretty clear that the way you start your journey in Red and Blue isn’t the standard model. Oak only gives you a starter so you can do a job for him. Plenty of trainers say they caught or bought their first pokemon; no one else mentions getting anything from Oak.

[one whose profession was Pokemon and humans from conflict]

I think you dropped some words here.

While this is a different opening than usual, I’m worried it’s just going to transition into the standard trainer journey, which is just boring (and not a plot). If you have a unique plot idea, it should be showcased early on, to set you apart from the crowd.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12117406/1/The-Storm

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[Prologue]

Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[One minute, he found himself flying above the oceans; the next he was lying down, ]

This needs a comma after “next”.

[He could see nothing, he felt as if a blindfold was stuck on his eyes.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[“What is going on today?” He questioned himself. “A dream this is, it has to be!”]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, “questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

Furthermore, I’m not sure why you’re using Yoda speak. Are you not a native English speaker?

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This is the same opening as literally tens of thousands of other fic. If you have a unique plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction dot net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12117372/1/Solar-and-Shadows

[However, she’s not the easiest to come willingly, nor is the rest of her team. Will the teams unite or will it take an unexpected turn.]

This is word salad. Slow down and focus on what you want to say.

[Hidden in the side of the sandy mountains of Orre, there was a lone base of a very secretive, but powerful team. This team was known as Team Solar. It was a team of solar light, and solar infused pokemon. However, two young female members were also infused with light. It was the beta member, Meena, and the alpha, Xatel. However, Meena was given much more of the solar light to the point where she always shines like the sun and her long wavy hair always flows like an invisible wind is constantly blowing at it. Xatel on the other hand, was given less light so she can shine at will, or look like a normal lady, all except for one part of her. Large, glowing, white markings outlined her emerald eyes, which she doesn’t want anyone to see. To conceal her unusual eyes, Xatel wears a sparkling pink mardi gra mask, that has a special power of its own. With it she could see who or what has light infusion, to know who she should give it to next.]

Opening the story with an infodump is very off-putting and uninteresting. Readers are here for emotional engagement, not dry facts. If this information is relevant, it should come up in the story organically. It’s much more important to open by showing us who these characters are through their behavior and mannerisms. When they’re just names, I don’t care.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

All sentences have to end in punctuation. You need a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12116716/1/The-Long-Road

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction . net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[7 years old]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[out.”Hey]

Missing space.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Jace! There’s some kids at the door to see you!”Jace turned and walked down the stairs and glanced at the door to see 3 kids standing in the doorway. “Jace why don’t you go out and play with them for a bit while I get some more of the house in order?” Jace’s mother asked. “Sure thing Mom.” Jace called as he walked out the door.]

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.

[(flashback)]

Don’t do this, it’s jarring and artifical. Time and place should be obvious from context.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12118071/1/The-worst-of-luck-the-best-of-friends

Your title isn’t fully capitalized, and your summary lacks punctuation.

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[I don’t on Pokemon]

Typo.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[This takes place in an alternate universe where you don’t recieve a starter pokemon.]

That’s canon. Plenty of trainers you meet in the games say they caught their first one on their own, or received (I after E there, by the way) it as a gift.

[Chapter one: Today was the day.]

You really shouldn’t do this, it looks weird. Once you have two or more chapters, the dropdown menu will label chapters for you.

[they were all part of Team first my parents tried to convince me to join them]

You seem to have dropped some words here.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[nurse Joy]

When titles are used as part of names, they’re capitalized like names. So this should be “Nurse Joy”.

[The first kid got a Jiggly puff. The next got a fenniken.]

“Jigglypuff” and “fennekin”. If you don’t know how pokemon names are spelled, you should look them up.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

This gets harder to follow the more I read. You need a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12118168/1/Pokemon-The-Dark-World

Your summary is incoherent. Focus on what you want to say.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. Also, no one will ever care what your character is eating for breakfast.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is completely incoherent. Try harder and get a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12118452/1/Animalia

Your summary is very vague. I’d appreciate one that tells us more about what the story will be about.

[Also, this is intended to be an interactive story, in tribute to the nature of the original Pokémon. Abiding by the rules of FanFiction net , I cannot publish the different choices]

It sounds like you might prefer Archive of Our Own. Anything goes there. But if you want to make a truly interactive game-like story, a static format like this isn’t going to cut it; you want something like Twine or StoryNexus for that.

[Having been watching Animalia documentary]

I think you dropped a “the” here.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard, or whatever words you’re substituting in their place. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[Which was quite a feat, considering Panthera too had pretty impressive strength.]

I can’t parse this. You need to proofread more and make sure you’re conveying information the way you want to.

[her mother rebuked]

If you’re reaching for words as awkward as “rebuked” within the first few paragraphs, you’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[and, Scarlett imagined, must be folding her arms, “And how is twelve early?”]

What? Also, when a speech tag doesn’t contain a speaking verb, it’s a separate sentence and should be formatted accordingly. Which means this should be [and, Scarlett imagined, must be folding her arms. “And how is twelve early?”]

[She grew up in an age when most people learnt faster than ancient humans. It had nothing to do with neural implants though – they had been developed, but was never widespread because hacking technology was equally developed. Instead, it was a result of natural evolution.]

…What? Firstly, you want “were never widespread”, secondly, how far in the future is this? It should take not only tens of thousands of years for us to see this kind of evolution, but also a harsh environment where lower-performing individuals are removed from the gene pool. Given that society is moving towards more accommodation rather than less, evolution shouldn’t work this way.

[Schooling inevitably became obsolete when most people could learn well even on their own.]

That’s not how learning works. People are perfectly capable of “learning well even on their own” today, it’s just difficult because you don’t know what information is important or where to find it. Schools are more valuable for their standardized curriculum than for their teaching methods, and that doesn’t sound like it would have changed in this world. Aptitude has no bearing on knowledge if you can’t find the material you want to learn.

[21st Century]

“Century” is not a proper noun and thus should not be capitalized.

[Scarlett put on her most appealing white dress, which showed some leg, but was more modest with her chest.]

Why does a 14-year-old need to look sexy.

[The AniDex magically preserved the state of the entity, so that it came out identical to when it came in.]

Does this mean it’s literally magical, or does Scarlett just not know how it works? Shouldn’t that have been taught in school?

[I can’t believe mum and dad bought me this model]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

This really does not feel like Pokemon fanfic. I can see how it’s clearly inspired, but if you’re changing the world and fauna so radically, it’s really more of its own thing. You’d be better off posting this as original fiction on Fictionpress or Archive of Our Own with an “inspired by” label at the top.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12118633/1/The-Fight-For-Freedom

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[Prologue]

Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[to be apart of this unit]

You want “a part”, two words. Apart means separated.

[Despite only restricted to a few countries]

You’re missing some words here.

[the twenty first century]

Compound numbers are hyphenated, so this should be “twenty-first”.

[Power soon fell into the wrong hands, the SAF stationed in Unova rebelled.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[Power soon fell into the wrong hands, the SAF stationed in Unova rebelled. They were sick of enslavement, cockfights and mistreatment of Pokemon. They overthrew America with ease and soon all the neighboring countries fell too. The rebelled SAF soon changed their logo and name into the infamous “Pokemon Military” (PM). They slaughter and enslaved many humans for revenge and entertainment.]

So this is another story about how animal rights activists are just evil and crazy and we shouldn’t listen to them? I am not impressed.

This isn’t a story, it’s a summary. This isn’t something that can stand on its own; it should go above a first chapter. Alternatively, you might not need this at all. Opening your story with a dry infodump is incredibly boring and disengaging. If any of this information is relevant, it should come up organically in the story. If the story is going to be about a specific plot and characters, it’s more important to get us emotionally invested in them as soon as possible.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12118633/2/The-Fight-For-Freedom

[The Braixen sat there silently, holding tightly onto a rifle which had it’s barrel poking out of a window.]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

If your pokemon act exactly like humans right down to wearing human clothes and inexplicably using human weapons instead of their own magical powers, then this isn’t a Pokemon story and I am earnestly baffled as to why you’re posting it here. You’d be better off posting this to Fictionpress or Archive of Our Own as original fiction with an “inspired by” label at the top.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12118817/1/Ignis

[Set in the same world as the original Pokemon series but with a darker edge where danger and death are very real the story follows Ignis, a budding trainer from Cinnabar, as he embarks upon on his Pokemon journey.]

This is a run-on sentence.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

Despite how much you’re tooting your horn about how EDGY and DIFFERENT this story is, I don’t see anything in your summary that implies this will be at all different from the literally tens of thousands of trainerfic on this site. If you have a unique plot idea that sets you apart from the crowd, showcase that instead of using a meaningless cookie-cutter summary.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Chapter 1 – Smoke and Flame]

Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Pallet town]

All parts of a name need to be capitalized, so this should be “Pallet Town”.

[The last of the light faded across Pallet town, somewhere a Growlithe howled and a flock of pidgeys circled the forest returning to the nest for the night.]

This is another run-on sentence, and there are far more spread throughout the story. You need to read up on proper sentence structure and/or get a beta reader to help you.

[He had just turned fifteen, tall with sandy blonde hair and was about to embark upon his pokemon journey.]

Raising the age of newbie trainers is generally a bad idea. In particular, the idea that a few more years will do anything to protect kids from getting killed by animals who can call down fire and lightning is absurd. Read this for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142926917/1/TRAINERS-START-AT-TEN

[Ignis was originally from Cinnabar but he had taken the boat to Pallet town as was the custom of new trainers so that he could receive his pokemon licence, and more importantly his starter pokemon from the fabled Professor Oak.]

There’s no indication in canon that this is necessary. No other trainers in any of the games ever mention receiving a starter from a professor. They either catch their starter themselves or buy it. Note that Oak only gives you a starter so you can run an errand for him; there’s nothing to indicate this is standard procedure. Especially because, as this points out, it puts anyone who’s not native to Pallet at a huge disadvantage.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“I’m ok I think”]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

This becomes harder to follow the more I read. Try harder and get a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12119070/1/The-Beyond

[there thirst for adventure]

“their”

[This is a reboot of an old story of mine which was discontinued due to some difficulties faced and due to too many writer’s blocks which were caused mostly due to having too many conflicting ideas and indecisiveness on my part. But that’s to be expected when you have an OC submission based story]

Indeed it is. You sound like you should really take a look at this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-OCs

[The passengers were a sixteen year old boy.]

And…? If you say passengers, plural, you need to list the others within the same sentence.

[He was wearing a grey sweater with a white column going down from the neck and black jeans and shoes.

Next to him sat a young twelve year old girl. She had long reddish orange hair which she tied in two pony tails. She had a camera hanging on her neck and she was wearing a cream colored shirt, a red skirt and a pair of slippers. The two of them were siblings and their names were Ken and Marilyn.

The reason they were on the bus was because their parents only just recently died in an accident and they now had to live with their relatives in a small mysterious town along the countryside. Their lives were going to be different; it doesn’t help that they weren’t quite familiar with the relatives they were going to be staying with.]

Opening a story with an infodump like this is really dull and off-putting. Readers care about the story, not about dry factoids. It’s better to wait a little while and let us get to know the characters before breaking out the description paragraphs and telling us their backstory. This information should come up organically.

[“Look Mari,” he began “I know]

This needs a comma after “began”.

[their uncle whom was a local carpenter, their aunt whom was mostly a housewife and their cousin Lucas, whom was a year older than Ken.]

If you use a comma before “whom” for one item, you should do it for the whole list; in addition, this is missing the Oxford comma.

[albeit they never climb too high]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[Marilyn mostly only wanted to take some cool shots of the place, she’d gotten quite used to taking photos with her camera.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[Lucas exclaimed excitedly]

[Ken asked curiously]

[Mari said in doubt]

You’re overusing speech adverbs. When you use such redundant and awkward constructions, it just looks stilted. If you want to make paired narration more interesting, try something different, such as describing the scenery or having the characters interact with the environment. They’re climbing, right? They should be doing other things while they talk.

[[Inside the cave]]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

[“Oh…what happened? Where am I?” Ken said in his mind]

Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud. Also, “said in his mind” is the most awkward way of saying “he thought” I can imagine. Just say “he thought”.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. If you’re unclear, the full rules are: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts.

[There were tufts of fur on top of his head and cheeks. There were black circles around his eyes, and the ears were also black.]

How does he know this? Does he have a mirror?

[Why am i a rabbit?]

Proofread.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12119120/1/on-the-road-to-be-the-best

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

Your summary is incoherent. Slow down and focus on what you want to say.

[“” normal speech

“” Pokémon telepathy

“”thoughts]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong. Also, it’s unwise to use bold for standard actions in prose, as it’s very jarring.

Similar logic applies to listing character ages. If it’s relevant, it should come up in the story.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

This story is completely incoherent. I cannot understand anything that’s going on. Try harder and get a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12119713/1/Pokemon-XY2

Please make a summary that actually tells us what the story is about.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or soda pop. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12119716/1/An-aura-guardians-journey

Your title and your summary are both improperly capitalized.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Lanse woke up in his home in pallet town his mom was making a special breakfast for him because it was the day he started his Pokémon journey.]

This is a run-on sentence. Your story is full of these, and they make the story incomprehensible. You need to read up on sentence structure and/or get a beta reader to help you.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes your story incomprehensible, and thus makes me not want to read it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12119940/1/The-Experiment

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

[“Yes, it possesses the same main elemental focus.]

This lacks an endquote.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. A single conversation with no context or description does not do that. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12120414/1/Bulbasuar-Charmander-Squirtle-which-one-do-i-choose

Script format is banned on this site. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

Even aside from that, this is completely incoherent. Try harder and get a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12120664/1/Tale-of-the-Forsaken

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

[an attractive woman with brunette hair that was tied into a bun. She had grown older and wiser over the years but she was still the same person. She was dressed in grey tight jeans along with a black and red collared shirt that accentuated her still athletic and curvy figure. Her green eyes were slightly narrowed since she was focused on the task at hand, which was to find out information from a certain pokémon professor. That information would allow her and her group to finally find the one they had been searching for.]

Opening your story with an infodump is dull and off-putting, especially when your sentences are so simple and repetitive like this. Your readers are here for the plot and characters. Getting them emotionally invested in that is top priority. This information should be spaced out between getting to know the characters.

Why is all your dialogue bolded? Bold looks really jarring in prose, and should be avoided for standard actions.

[You look like you belong here Gary]

This needs a comma before “Gary”, as it’s a direct address.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12120736/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Crystal-Methods

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: The Crystal Methods – Chapter 1 – The Explorer That Could]

Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Behind him though was a bit of some trouble, there were 3 rabid, feral bidoofs chasing him.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. Also, in prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[This mystery dungeon is called Springside Woods; hardly a challenge, but could be if you were as low levelled as this helioptile.]

It’s generally wise to stay away from rigid game mechanics when writing fanfic. What does level actually represent in this context? What do repetitive game concepts add to this story? If you can’t answer those questions, you’re better off not including it. The story is otherwise very good at implementing creative and dynamic tactics you don’t see in the game, so I don’t see what this adds.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[what is this floor 3?]

You need a comma after “this” here.

[Yes it’s floor 3]

And a comma after “Yes” here.

[Of course I get the ladder…]

What?

[flair his frills]

“Flare”. Flair is a noun.

[He laid on the ground]

You want “lay” here, not “laid”. “Laid” is the past tense of “to lay”, which means something completely different than “lay”, which is the past participle of “to lie”. English is terrible.

[Heroca town]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this is “Heroca Town”.

[my name is Cortez]

Oh, and you’re giving pokemon actual names! You’d be surprised how few people realize that’s necessary.

[But the really rare stuff is what Cortez was after]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[Ok son]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[“Oh sweet Arceus”]

[Good god buddy]

So do they worship Arceus or God? Be consistent.

[The houndour interrupted Cortez and turned around.

“You’re pops gave it to you and now it’s gone? That sucks man, let’s go get it.”]

It’s generally good to pair a character’s actions with their speech, even when it’s not directly relevant to the dialogue. The reason a new speaker means a new paragraph is actually because a new speaker is a new subject, so any shift to the other character should usually be a paragraph break.

Well, that ended abruptly.

While it’s good that you’re starting in medias res and giving us a different opening than usual, there still isn’t much plot here, and I don’t have a good idea of what the rest of the story will be like. That information should be included in the first chapter of a story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12120742/1/This-Legend-Is-Dead

[WARNING, THIS IS JUST AN EXTREMELY SHORT PREVIEW.]

Please make a summary that actually tells readers what your story is about. This information belongs in an author note, not the summary.

[I also warn you that I have no idea where this is going.]

That’s really worrying. If you don’t plan out your story in advance, I guarantee it is going to be a mess. You won’t be able to set up concepts and events properly, there will be little to no tonal and thematic consistency, and if you come up with a better idea for a plot point later on it’ll be difficult to change track. I would recommend looking at these threads:
fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/143363660/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-2

fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/143662066/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-3

(you’ll have to replace the “{dot}” with a period and remove the surrounding spaces)

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This isn’t really enough to go off of to decide if this is worth expanding into a full story. What even is this story about? Why is any of this happening, who are these people, why should I care? A single short scene with no context doesn’t answer those questions.