We’ve got ourselves a real gem today:

“In reading several Pokémon x Human fanfics, I’ve noticed that in many cases, you see the same ideological portrayal – liberals are the compassionate heroes, while the conservatives are nothing but overly pompous jerks. In reality, that is far from the truth. People have done horrible things to one another from both sides of the spectrum, from liberalism (in the forms of socialism and communism), to conservatism (fascism, racism, and sexism). That being said, and pretty surprisingly to many people reading this, this story will be from a more conservative point of view. It won’t be essential to the plot for awhile, but it will be present. Again, if you don’t like that sort of thing, you are under no obligation to read it. However, if you are against conservatism, and you still do decide to read it, I encourage you to truly be open minded. Remember, open mindedness is tolerance to both sides.”

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12120797/1/Deja-Vu

[it’s just as the title says-our heros getting a load sense of deja vu]

This many errors in your summary makes me not want to read your story. The summary is the first thing readers see. If you can’t be bothered to make it comprehensible, you clearly don’t have any respect for your work or your readers.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12120873/1/Competitive-Despair-League-Part-Faux

Please make a summary that tells readers what the story is actually about.

[After being intimidated by a large dragon that I summoned out of the dragon balls I had spend months gathering from all over the world]

That is incredibly awkward and a borderline run-on sentence. It’s okay to slow down and give a longer explanation here.

[My wish is for Ash Ketchum to finally win a official Pokemon League Championship for once, can you make it happen?]

“An official”, also this is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[“God damn it!” I thought to myself.]

…Do they always think out loud?

[I point toward the dragon]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12120978/1/Journey-to-Becoming-the-Champion

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or romance. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[My eyes drift open as I wake, the sun streaming through the window shines right into my eyes, I squint as I sit up welcoming the cool shade the rest of the bed provides.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence into multiple parts or use different transitions.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. Also, no one will ever care what your character is eating for breakfast.

[its wild in the mornings]

Typo.

[As a comb the bright red locks]

?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[I can see why my mother picked him, his face is soft and worn from a long life, by he has laugh lines from years of happiness and his hard work.]

I… really don’t think anyone has ever described their parents this way, particularly the “I can see why my mother picked him” part. That is a really weird thing for a kid to be thinking about her parents.

[I’m going on my own journey Ester!]

This needs a comma before “Ester”, as it’s a direct address.

[“I’m going to miss you, Ester”]

Missing punctuation.

[Well, cause I’m leaving.]

“’Cause” needs an apostrophe, ’cause it’s a contraction.

[*Ding Dong. Ding Dong. Ding dong*]

This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.

Why do all the kids include their exact height in their introductions?

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This has the exact same opening as literally thousands of other Pokemon fic. If you have a unique plot or idea that sets you apart from the crowd, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12121196/1/Gone

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

Non-story chapters are banned. The place for this information is on your profile, in author notes, or in some other supplemental webpage. If any of this information is relevant, it should come up in the story anyway.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12121196/2/Gone

[I can still remember that first morning…out of our little den, over the large pointy things in the distance, I could see the happy little disc of light we call the sun beginning to rise into the sky]

This is a run-on sentence. You need to break this into multiple parts or use different transitions.

[It’s light]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[my parents hold on me]

Parents’. Plural possessives are indicated by an apostrophe on the outside.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[…y-yes daddy]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[…i-i’m sorry]

Proofread.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12121204/1/Of-Fire-and-Family

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[This gene for most people lies dormant and is never activated; but for the others it is devastating for their lives.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. You also need a comma after “others”.

[Bold print is me.]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is always a terrible idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[POV Karen (Mrs. Sutton)]

Switching POVs within the same chapter is incredibly confusing and, quite honestly, amateurish. Stories are much stronger when they consistently follow a single personality. This is all the more true when you’re writing in first-person, which makes it nigh-impossible to figure out who the current viewpoint character is at a glance. If you absolutely cannot provide all the information you need from a single viewpoint, use third-person omniscient instead. For more information, please look here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/143126539/1/POV-and-You

This is really incoherent. You need a beta reader. You can start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12121583/1/Training-Isn-t-as-Hard-as-it-Seems

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or enjoy. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[“Okay, Eevee… you can do this, girl,” Michelle knelt]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

In this case, this should be [“Okay, Eevee… you can do this, girl.” Michelle knelt]. “Michelle knelt…” is its own sentence, because you can’t kneel a line of dialogue.

[Polywag]

“Poliwag”. Look up pokemon names if you’re unsure how they’re spelled.

Why is this listed as “in-progress”?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12121938/1/The-Trainer-From-Another-World

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[He soon sets out with a Vulpix that was found with him as an egg and a young Nurse Joy who found him, to explore this new world and to found out how and why he is here.]

You actually don’t need that comma there, but you should probably split this into two sentences. You also want “find out”, not “found out”.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[the jungles of porta vista]

“Porta Vista” should be capitalized here.

[The

wild Ninetails]

You have a sudden line break here.

[He cloudnt]

“Couldn’t”. Proofread.

[He had on khaki cargo pants a t-shirt hoodie and a denim jacket.]

When listing items, you need a comma after each one.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This becomes more incoherent the further I read. You need a beta reader. You can start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12121980/1/Everything-Except-Human

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[Jake tilted his head and questioned, “What is it Devan?”]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”. Also, you need a comma before “Devan”, as it’s a direct address.

[“Dude, cool!” He admired.]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, “admired” is not a speech verb. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. A single scene does not do that. Who are these characters, what is the story going to be about, and why should I care? The first chapter should answer those questions. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12122038/1/The-Reaper

[an action-eccentric story]

I think you meant to say “action-centric”.

[In reading several Pokémon x Human fanfics, I’ve noticed that in many cases, you see the same ideological portrayal – liberals are the compassionate heroes, while the conservatives are nothing but overly pompous jerks. In reality, that is far from the truth. People have done horrible things to one another from both sides of the spectrum, from liberalism (in the forms of socialism and communism), to conservatism (fascism, racism, and sexism). That being said, and pretty surprisingly to many people reading this, this story will be from a more conservative point of view. It won’t be essential to the plot for awhile, but it will be present. Again, if you don’t like that sort of thing, you are under no obligation to read it. However, if you are against conservatism, and you still do decide to read it, I encourage you to truly be open minded. Remember, open mindedness is tolerance to both sides.]

Eh, really? Most of the humanxpokemon stuff I’ve seen is highly conservative, and I don’t find that terribly surprising.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Sweat rolled down his face]

Opening a story with a pronoun is really awkward and confusing, because we don’t know the referent. Unless you’re purposefully trying to evoke that sense of disorientation, you should rephrase this.

[“Get up you little shit.” The fallen individual muttered something unintelligible, harshly gripping the trodden snow beneath him. “Did I freaking stutter? Get the hell up!”

“I…c-can’t,” he gasped. “I can’t…do this anymore.” Another arrived, waiting for confirmation.

“Get his stupid ass outta here. I don’t wanna see him anymore.” Just like the one before him, he too was picked up and dragged away from the others. Their numbers were dwindling, having lost three that day. At this rate, we won’t have any left.]

Then they’re being really, really stupid. Competent militaries do not work their soldiers to exhaustion and death, for the obvious reason that soldiers are valuable. If their attrition rate is this bad how are they winning anything?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[her cunningness]

Is not a word. “Cunning” is the noun form of “cunning”.

[realizing a few of its contents onto the ground]

You want “releasing”, I believe.

[…]

This scene break is three dots instead of the usual five.

[Nighttime reached them before long, bathing the mountains with silver light, making the trees an uninterrupted shadow.]

I don’t think this is technically a run-on, but it sounds awkward. You should probably use a different construction for the last clause, or split it off entirely.

[But laying beside Michael, out of clear sight, was something that could end an enemy quicker than any other Pokémon..]

You’ve got some punctuation weirdness here.

[which is why sixteen year olds were graduating with college level degrees]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well. Also, they graduate at sixteen, really? High school students don’t graduate until eighteen. I’m willing to believe the university can cram 3 or 4 extra years of education into a normal high school timespan, but covering high school *and* college education in only two years is absurd, even with all the fast-tracking you’ve described.

[For being in the top of the class in one of the best schools in the regions, the top three students were offered a reward – to receive a starter.]

Their reward for graduating a hellishly difficult school at the top of their class is the same reward professors will hand out to any dumb kid they can wrangle into free labor? Nothing in canon implies starters are nearly as exclusive as you’re implying here, or even special at all.

[“Thanks Professor.” Alex responded.]

Typo.

[“I don’t know, I told her the exact time to arrive,” Sycamore shrugged.]

And this should be [“I don’t know, I told her the exact time to arrive.” Sycamore shrugged.] because you can’t shrug a sentence.

[The Froakie, had access to Water Pulse, Bounce, and even Camouflage, putting it on a great path as well. What set this one majorly apart, though was its color scheme. Shiny. Without turning around, he could almost feel Alex coveting it. How in the world did he actually manage to get one of those? And with those moves, too.]

I’d think a biologist would know the answer to that, though if he’s a creationist maybe he avoided learning about artificial selection. This is why gen eds are important.

[“You…do?” the Professor asked. Why in the hell should he be shocked about my decision?]

I don’t see what’s so hard to understand about someone being confused by the valedictorian choosing the practically worst option. You’re warping the universe to make Michael look put-upon, which is just really tacky.

[The sun had progressed in its setting]

That’s a really awkward way to phrase it.

[its curiosity piked]

You want “piqued”.

[The man selling these was just as questionable, wearing a stained t-shirt and ripped jeans, eyes glaring with poorly hidden condescendence to anyone who would approach. This is reeeaally sketchy…]

“Condescension”, and using the “ugly people are evil” trope is also really sketchy. A kid who has the money to go to supergenius schools and casually catch cruises should really not be sneering at street vendors for being poor and unkempt, at least not if you want readers to root for him.

[His breath smelled of cheap chewing tobacco, yellowed teeth confirming the detrimental habit.]

Chewing tobacco is an addiction, not a habit. If Michael is confusing the two, that makes him look incredibly callous.

[The inn had really embraced the seashore theme, light blue wallpaper, strung seashells, and various paintings of ships, water Pokémon, and Olivine’s famous lighthouse complimented one another to convey what one would expect in such an environment.]

The first comma here is a comma splice.

[“Hahaha, ok, ok.”]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[However, under Kalos law, he was an adult on account of being able to enter the work force, due to the advanced school in which he graduated from.]

That is really bizarre. I’ve never heard of an industrialized country that had something other than an age-related requirement for legal adulthood. Teenagers can’t magically grow adult brains even if they graduate college early.

[Yes, the politicians had done a very good job of making the people incapable of defending themselves – especially if they didn’t have a Pokémon.]

That statement makes no sense in this universe, as pokemon are far more dangerous than guns, and by all accounts in canon pokemon ownership is virtually ubiquitous. If this is an AU where pokemon ownership is also strictly regulated he might have a point here, but you need to say that explicitly. If you’re going to use a fantasy story as a soapbox for real-world politics, you need to translate them appropriately.

[or.45 Colt]

Missing space.

[and i could shoot]

Proofread.

[“What?”

“How long have you been doing that?” Michael asked]

You have double line breaks between your other paragraphs, but only one here.

[to put them in there balls]

“their”

[It was so simple, so easy, and could end a life in just the blink of an eye. Such was the nature of a firearm. But the firearm wasn’t the weapon – it was the tool. The one to pull the trigger was the weapon, and he had been able to do so without any hesitation. Would he have been able to pull the trigger a third time – at his head? After the first shot, the other was just too easy. He had no doubt in his mind that he could have followed through if need be. That was one of the things that made him nervous.]

And this is exactly why giving teenagers instruments of murder is a bad idea.

[Sometimes, you may think that you have witnessed at least a fraction of humanity’s darkness.]

Sudden POV change is sudden.

[The lifeless carcasses of both people ad Pokémon]

So Michael doesn’t consider pokemon to be people? Also, typo.

[A Ninetales lay in a wrangled mess, her once luxurious tales frayed and bloodied. She was beside a Gardevoir, whose dress was torn to shreds. The sick feeling in his stomach multiplied when he realized that these two, along with several others, showed the mutilations of rape.]

How would he know what that looked like?

This is a lot better-written than most fic on here, and I’m glad that there seems to be a plot brewing, but you’re still making a lot of grammatical mistakes and typos, so you should probably get a beta reader. The priorities in this seem really weird – you spend practically a novella’s worth of time on banal, mundane details and spend only a few scant scenes on the actual plot. The plot hasn’t even really begun yet, but we’re over 10000 words into the story.

We really do not need to know all the excruciating details of how Michael’s school works, or exactly how Michael met every single one of his pokemon. (It doesn’t help that he met all of them in unbelievably perfect and predictable situations for him to show off what a saint he is.) Michael also seems like a bit of a Mary Sue – he’s handled everything perfectly so far and got handed tons of special advantages from the start, while he doesn’t seem to have any character flaws to speak of. (I particularly note that every single one of the pokemon he rescued immediately decide to join him despite him putting on a big production of how he wouldn’t force them – his saintlyness hasn’t had any negative consequences.) I’d find this easier to swallow if there was more tell and less show, such as showing him having to use his supergenius intelligence to get out of difficult situations in the army. It’d also help if he more believably acted like a 16-year-old who’s out of his depth and not like Spock stuck in a kid’s body.

You might find this to be useful reading: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

This was a weird one. Way too much time was spent explaining how awesome the protagonist’s school was, and the main characters also make sure to affirm that they’re creationists when they meet Sycamore (right down to only believing in “microevolution”), who just awkwardly humors them. Way too much time spent on gun selection, too. Great job convincing me you don’t have a gun fetish, conservatives.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12122079/1/Katt-s-Kalos-Adventure

This is completely incoherent. You need a beta reader. Look here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[(A/N: His hair looks like akira kogami’s from lucky star.)]

Also, including author’s notes in the middle of a story is always a terrible idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12122116/1/Pokemon-Latios-Unleashed

This is incoherent, and also not really a story. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12122155/1/Aftermath

[new heros will arise]

“heroes”

[A young man from Kanto will Face down Team Rocket and a new organization rising form the ashes of a lost evil organization, in Johto.]

“Face” shouldn’t be capitalized, you want “from” not “form”, and you don’t need that comma.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[some very important items, A poke-ball and a pokedex.]

“A” shouldn’t be capitalized here.

[The boy’s name is Crow and his long shaggy brown hair dripped in front of his bright green eyes.]

You change tenses here, which is extremely disorienting. You should decide whether you want past or present tense and stick with it.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Pallet town]

Every part of a multi-word name should be capitalized.

This has a lot of errors, which makes it very hard to understand. I’d advise looking here for a beta reader: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

Also, this is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12122325/1/A-Blissful-Life

Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Well My first story “A Blissful Life” Is A Story About A Teenage Eevee Going To High School.]

Don’t capitalize random words, it looks really weird.

[until it finally shutup]

It’s “shut up”, two words.

[I quickly but carefully brushed my big brown and white bushy tail and the rest of my furry body.]

How? Do eevee have opposable thumbs in this?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[FLARE’S POV]

Switching POVs within the same chapter is incredibly confusing and, quite honestly, amateurish. Stories are much stronger when they consistently follow a single personality. This is all the more true when you’re writing in first-person, which makes it nigh-impossible to figure out who the current viewpoint character is at a glance. If you absolutely cannot provide all the information you need from a single viewpoint, use third-person omniscient instead. For more information, please look here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/143126539/1/POV-and-You

[I hugged her]

Again, how? Quadrupeds aren’t really built for hugs.

[now im going to far]

Proofread.

Even by the standards of AUs, this doesn’t really have anything to do with Pokemon. The characters all act exactly like humans, right down to their mannerisms and physiology. If your characters bear no resemblance to the canon ones, and your setting has nothing to do with the canon one, then I genuinely don’t understand why you’re labeling this as fanfiction instead of original fiction. You’d be better off unfettering this story from an irrelevant canon by publishing it as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top. Fictionpress and Archive of Our Own are good places for this, but FFN is strictly for fanfiction only.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12122506/1/Pokemon-Frozen-Adventure

[the rushkon]

Is a proper noun and should therefore be capitalized.

[I don’t own the pokemon used in the story only the characters.]

This should go in your author notes, not your summary – but you really don’t need it in the first place, because Nintendo has better things to do than sue fanfic authors.

Non-story chapters are banned. This sort of thing should go in your author’s notes above an actual first chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12122506/2/Pokemon-Frozen-Adventure

This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

You also shouldn’t be listing bios in the first place, because again, nonstory chapters are banned. If this information is relevant, it should come up in the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12122584/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-Virtue-of-Pain

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[it’s victims]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[‘Once you’re there, you can end this nightmare,’ Hope whispered]

Why does this use single quotes?

[The subtle taste of rainfall tinted the air, and a boy shoots a worried look towards his brother.]

You change tenses here, which is extremely disorienting. You should decide whether you want past or present tense and stick with it.

[they were no where]

“Nowhere”, one word.

I like that stuff is happening in this, but it still feels a bit insubstantial – I don’t have any idea who these characters are or what they’re trying to do. While I can accept the charmander being mysterious, I presume Felix and Xander are going to be the main characters, so we should get a better picture of them. This feels like part of a first chapter, not something that really stands on its own.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12122664/1/Uno-s-Adventure-Unova

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

[At this point, I should probably mention]

Sudden POV change is sudden. Who’s saying this?

[“Happy birthday Uno!” she smiled.]

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

In this case, it should be [“Happy birthday Uno!” She smiled.] because you can’t smile a sentence.

[Accumula town]

Every word in multi-word names needs to be capitalized.

[“Anyway, we sent her the necessary forms and such and she has confirmed that a starter Pokemon will be reserved for you, so no need to worry about that.”]

There’s no evidence in canon to indicate the professor-starter model is standard, and a lot to indicate that it isn’t. In almost every case, the player character gets the starter by accident, as a special gift, or to accomplish a specific task for the professor. There’s nothing to indicate that all trainers literally have to start by meeting the local professor, or that the games’ “starter pokemon” are standard starters in the greater world.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. Who are these characters, where are they going, and why should I care? The first chapter should answer those questions. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12123009/1/Zygarde-and-the-Other-Dragons

[So Zygarde is just the core right?]

What?

[Other Legendary Dragons]

None of these words should be capitalized.

[Oneshot btw if you hadn’t noticed.]

Then this should be marked as Complete, not In-Progress.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Writing the legendaries like middle schoolers is not particularly interesting, especially when it’s already been done quite literally hundreds of times before.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12123717/1/Ask-us-Pokemon

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Interactive stories are banned on this site.

[Pika pika pika chuuu! “Hello there I’m Shocks the Pikachu!”]

This looks absolutely awful and is completely unnecessary. Just write the translated version.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12123771/1/Hoen-League-A-grand-adventure

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

[A story about a girl moving to Littleroot town, where she meets a cocky boy who thinks boys make better trainers than girls, she then meets her best friend with who she lost contact.]

This is a run-on sentence.

[And there is also the best friend of boy. These four had to travel together, first it didn’t go wel together, but they managed to get close.]

This is incoherent. Slow down and focus on what you’re trying to say.

[English isn’t my native language.]

…Then why are you writing in English? Even native speakers have a lot of trouble writing stories. You should probably get a beta reader to help you, since you’ll have even more trouble. You can look here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[Also, the Pokémon in my fanfic are gonna be able to speak to their trainers.]

Woah, that’s a really big change that should radically change pokemon/trainer relations. If pokemon can talk and clearly display human-level intelligence, why does the trainer dynamic even exist? Why are intelligent beings okay with being owned and ordered around by other intelligent beings? You should read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142476358/1/Pokemon-Intelligence

[Torchick: “Shut up already! Nobody wants to hear your boring story about how you decided to let us speak. :/”

….. That face though, but ok let’s start the story then.

Mudkip: “WAIT! You forgot the disclaimer.”

Treecko: “What a lame writher.”

Hey! I’m still here ;-; , but here we go guys.

Disclaimer: Bristle does not own Pokémon.

Torchick: ” Let the fanfiction begin. {:”

Mudkip: ” ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ”

Treecko: “Why that face?”

Mudkip: “¯\_(ツ)_/¯”

Treecko: “Stop it, weirdo.”

Mudkip: “Shut up.”]

This is not nearly as funny or interesting as you think it is.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[It was very dark, you couldn’t see your hand even if it was a few inches away from your face.]

You should avoid using the general you in stories, as it looks too much like second-person POV.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12123834/1/Fire-and-Ice

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or grade. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Her story will soon play out and intertwine with another’s story.]

That should be “would soon”, for tense consistency.

[BEEP! BEEP!]

This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.

[Too earlier, she thought as she mentally groaned.]

I think you mean “early”, not “earlier”, and why doesn’t she groan physically?

[Elizabeth was in her room, the blinds pulled down letting only a sliver of light in.]

This needs a comma after “down”.

[it’s bright maroon color]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

[“Lizzie!” A voice called out]

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but you capitalized the speech tag here.

[“Thanks, mom!”]

And you forgot to capitalize “Mom” here.

[But most importantly, if they didn’t have the paper, they wouldn’t be able to get their starter Pokémon.]

There are preschoolers with pokemon in canon. You don’t literally need certification to own pokemon, plenty of kids can catch their own. There is also no evidence that the professors hand out starter pokemon to everyone; the player character always gets them by accident, as a special gift, or on the condition they run an errand for the professor.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This is the same opening as literally thousands of other fic. If you have some unique plot or idea that sets you apart from the crowd, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12123870/1/Summer-Adventures-A-Pokemon-Y-Nuzlocke

[A few days after moving she decided to start her journey with a Fennekin named Blaze, and start their journey.]

This is redundant.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[I wanted to do a Nuzlocke for a while, so when I did my first 3 times ended in fails :(.]

There’s probably a reason for that. Keep in mind that what makes for a good game doesn’t necessarily make for a good story. The Nuzlocke rules do not make sense for a serious setting, and don’t inherently make for an interesting story besides. The standard journey story is already incredibly boring; what is really added by turning trainers into sociopaths willing to butcher innocents for petty goals?

[Summer Starts Now]

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[“Ah!” The girl screamed falling off her bed.]

This needs a comma after “screamed”.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Good morning Summer.” Fletchling chirped.]

Oh god you’re doing talking pokemon too. If pokemon can talk and display human-level intelligence, that should radically change human/trainer relations. Why are intelligent beings okay with being owned and ordered around like pets (and in a Nuzlocke setting, thrown into deadly combat on a regular basis)? What are they getting out of this? You should probably take a look at this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142476358/1/Pokemon-Intelligence

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. Also, no one will ever care what your character is eating for breakfast.

[Summer was sad about the move because she misses some of her friends, but realizes she’ll make some new friends here in Kalos.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[Summer said introducing.]

You need a comma after “said” here, and “introducing” is incredibly awkward besides. It’s okay to just use said with no modifiers.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[“Alright Blaze! Let’s use Ember!” Summer commanded.

Blaze let out small flares of fire from its mouth and launched them at Chespin who got badly injured with them.

“Chespie use Tackle!” Shauna commanded. She thought since grass types are week to fire types, why not use Tackle to do some damage.

Chespie used her tackle attack on Blaze, but it didn’t do too much on him.

Blaze used another Ember attack and it defeated Chespie.]

A mechanical exchange of attacks does not make for interesting reading. Battles themselves are actually not inherently interesting, and you should avoid them when they’re not important. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/143300790/1/Battles-Are-Boring

[Well bye mom]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This is the exact same opening as literally thousands of other fic. If you have a unique plot or idea that sets you apart from the crowd, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12123893/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Nuzlocke-Dark-after-Dawn

Keep in mind that what makes for a good game doesn’t necessarily make for a good story. The Nuzlocke rules do not make sense for a serious setting, and don’t inherently make for an interesting story besides. The standard journey story is already incredibly boring; what is really added by turning trainers into sociopaths willing to butcher innocents for petty goals?

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[Gyrados]

It’s “gyarados”. Look up pokemon names if you’re unsure how they’re spelled.

[parts of Johto weren’t too far south of us]

Sudden first-person is sudden. Be consistent about what POV you’re using.

[they’ve only pulled themselves back together in the past 5 years]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well. Also, in prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[The other teenager in the village was Barry. He was an arsehole. He didn’t even care when Dawn left. Dawn always tried to be nice to him but he was just rude and horrible back so she inevitably gave up trying.]

I hate Barry and even I think this is out of character. Barry always struck me as an annoying but innocent hyperactive idiot. If it’s vitally important to have a character who isn’t like Barry here, just make up an OC.

Opening your story with an infodump is dull and off-putting. It’s not even really a story, it’s a summary. What determines reader interest in the story is what the story’s actually about: the plot and characters. It’s a good idea to get us invested in that first and foremost, because that’s what has to carry the story. If this information is going to be relevant, it should come up organically in the story.

[he war was bad but this is worse, settlements that were restoring themselves to their former glory are being destroyed by these terrors.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12106572/3/Crossing-the-Barrier

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Up in the booth]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

[Steve please tell us about our two finalists!”]

This needs a comma after “Steve”, as it’s a direct address.

[Bob said]

All sentences need to end in punctuation, not just when you feel like it.

[5 hydro cannons]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“I hope this works…” Drake thought]

Case in point.