[25] The Other Pokereviews, Part 30

Biblepunk fantasy where Giratina is literally Satan. Also, some hilarious misunderstanding of gamma rays and DNA.


https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12180667/1/Hoenn-Where-the-Journey-Begins

[The storyline is based on Pokémon Emerald, with a few original adjustments.]

That does not inspire confidence. Pokemon Emerald does not have a plot until the second half, and then only for about five minutes. You are going to have to take huge liberties and come up with your own plot wholesale to make this a consistently engaging story, in which case, you should showcase that up-front. Instead, your summary is extremely cookie-cutter and does not imply any novel, out-of-the-box ideas. If you do have a plot (and you should), you should restructure the summary to display that more prominently.

While we’re on the topic, your title is very generic as well. I would also recommend changing it to better showcase your themes and plot.

[welcome to the Prologue]

“Prologue” is not a proper noun and therefore should not be capitalized.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[Fear came through my veins]

This is an odd phrasing; I think you want “flowed” or “coursed” rather than “came”. In addition, veins are an awfully literal and visceral thing to use to describe metaphorical sensations.

[not knowing the way of where I should go]

This is also awkwardly phrased – the more common phrasing would be “which way I should go”. Are you not a native speaker? You should probably get a beta reader to help you with this.

[“Oh no, they are still behind me! I better…run faster…Ouch!”]

People don’t talk like this, especially not when they’re being chased. When you have people avoid contractions and narrate their thoughts out loud, it makes them look very unhurried and detached, which is the exact opposite of what you want here.

[I tripped over a rock and fell down, I couldn’t run as my leg hurts.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. You also shift from past to present tense here, which is extremely jarring; you need to keep that consistent.

[Thanks mom]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

I’m going to stop reading here; you’re dropping so many commas that the story is becoming too difficult to understand. You need to look at these threads:

fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar

fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12234276/1/The-Arrival

Learn to troll properly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12234551/1/A-Legendary-Dream

[Things do not go Exactly to plan, however..]

That “exactly” shouldn’t be capitalized. Also, ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

I do appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon, though.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12234601/1/Pokemon-Go-Candela-s-Journey

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Chapter One]

You should never include multiple chapters in the same chapter, that’s just nonsensical. Use the chaptering feature.

[I stood up and held my head, the sudden hint of lightheaded-ness was felt in the back of my mind from the fast movement.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. Also, the last clause exhibits passive voice, which you want to avoid, because it’s weaker to say something was done to something than that something happened.

You’ve got a lot of awkward phrasing throughout this. Are you not a native speaker? You might want to get a beta reader to help you.

[my shoes were not made for aerobatics]

Aerobatics are feats of piloting a plane. You want “acrobatics”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12234622/1/Get-used-to-the-cold-SharpSpikeShipping

If you must use bizarre ship names, it might be helpful to tell people what they actually mean in the summary.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, in English, “ is used to open dialogue. I don’t care if it’s done otherwise in another language, if you’re writing in English, you need to use the conventions of English.

[The youthful female]

Physical descriptions, particularly “female”, are bad epithets. Epithets should be directly relevant to the character themselves, as they are an identifying marker used in place of a name.

[Snover retried.]

You’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

This is really jumbled. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

This seems to be a pokemon ship name? Is this particular pairing really common enough for people to recognize the phrase?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12234677/1/Pokemon-Showcase-Adventures

This belongs in the Anime category. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu in the “Category” section.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.

[“Yeah, Professor. What did you call us here for?” Ash questioned.]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12235004/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-Predetermined-Destiny

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

Opening PMD fic with the quiz is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. The point of fanfiction is to make less mechanical versions of the games, not more; obvious game constructs like the quiz should be avoided unless you have a greater point to them.

And since this chapter consists of the quiz and nothing else, this is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. A contextless one-sided conversation tells us nothing about the plot, and doesn’t actually tell us anything about the character either. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12235010/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-The-Darkness-Encroaches-Arc-1-Kanto

[“Things are getting complicated, so I’ll assume it’ll only be more so by the end of it.” Was what I had said]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[“Speech”

‘Thoughts’

-Telepathy-

Future Self-Narration in Italics]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong. Furthermore, using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud. You also shouldn’t use single and double quotes to mean different things, because they look too similar and will confuse your readers.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12235031/1/Forward

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[When used, it was ultimate proof of the bond, a special bond that no other can reach.]

That’s… not true, though? Anyone can use mega evolution, and this is especially weird when this entire story is about how Lucario left for another trainer who could also mega evolve him.

[So, she offered the trainer a gift… what was his name, Calem? Yes, she offered Calem her Lucario, along with a keystone and a Lucarionite.]

So she loves him like he’s part of her family, but she also considers him a “gift”, as if he’s just an object with no will of his own? If he’s leaving of his own will, she’s not the one gifting him.

[where he was; and whether he had mastered his power under his new trainer.]

As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. You want a comma here.

[Korrina missed her old friend, while she had the other Lucario and Pokémon, it was no longer the same.]

This, meanwhile, could use a semicolon in place of the first comma.

[She trusted Calem would use him well, and treat him with love and care as she did.]

This is really awkward given that it’s totally possible for the player to put Lucario in a box and forget about him for the rest of the game. While you make Calem’s good behavior explicit in the ending, when you’re writing about the player character it’s worthwhile to keep that ambiguity in mind. It comes off as pretty callous of Korrina to not follow up on Lucario’s treatment at all and just assume everything will turn out fine when we know it’s possible for this to end horribly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12235116/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Crystal-Leaf

[With Arceus trapped in his own world, Giratina grows stronger in his.]

Just out of curiosity, any particular reason why they’re both guys in this?

[“They have arrived sir.”]

This needs a comma before “sir”, as it’s a direct addess.

[I’ll go report this to lord Giratina, you stay and monitor what their doing.]

Titles are capitalized when they’re appended to names, so that should be “Lord Giratina”.

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

Finally, you want “there”. “Their” is a possessive.

[before the Xerneas]

Why is there a “the” here? Xerneas is a singular entity.

[As he walked out of the room, he gazed up at the dark cloud that loomed above the floating and twisted world before him. The world that the gods had banished them to. They would all be free soon.]

??? Giratina’s dimension is uninhabited. That is kind of a major plot point in Platinum.

[And their world would fall for trying to control everyone’s lives.]

Also, the Distortion World can’t exist without the normal world. Again, major plot point in Platinum. I’m getting the impression you are not actually familiar with canon.

[In front of him was Giratina. He was attached to chains that held him in place.]

What.

Giratina is not literally Satan. Giratina actually tries to save the world in Platinum by freeing Dialga and Palkia and capturing Cyrus. None of the gods have any beef with Giratina, and it seems content to stay in its own dimension. Even in the anime, it only attacks in self-defense when Dialga and Palkia wreck its home. Just because something looks creepy doesn’t mean it has to be evil.

[That’s right, I remember… its Xios.]

Missing apostrophe.

Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.

[“My brother is part of this crazy group. The group believes that Arceus no longer exists and has turned his back against all pokemon.”]

…Except that he did? Arceus put himself to sleep after creating the world. He’s a very hands-off god.

Look, this isn’t Pokemon fanfic. If you want to write Biblepunk fantasy, that’s great, but you should publish it as original fiction on Archive of Our Own or Fictionpress.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12235539/1/Christmas-Homecomeing

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[Lugia’s young sibling from the Whirl Islands, can’t understand what Christmas is like.]

That comma shouldn’t be there.

[So needs some help to plan a surprise Christmas gift.]

Dropped a word, also this is a sentence fragment.

You have many similar errors throughout, and it makes the story very difficult to understand. Are you not a native speaker? I would recommend getting a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12235757/1/Pokemon-New-Age-Uprising

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Humans, fearful of their partner’s newfound intellect]

For plural possessives, the apostrophe goes outside the s. So this should be [partners’]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“A-Are you crazy Angela?!”]

This needs a comma before “Angela”, as it’s a direct address.

[the Devon Corporation lose control]

“lost”

[“Not exactly but it a sense, yes Gerald.”]

“in a sense”, also this needs a comma after “exactly”. Proofread.

[“We restart the war but this time only support one side. The war will provide the profits we need to rebuild the company and, if our army wins, the Devon Corporation will be hailed as a savior.”]

…And if their side doesn’t win? War profiteers can only guarantee they’ll come out on top if they play both sides. If they totally throw in their lot with one side, they’re just making a gamble like everyone else, and become a target of the other side.

[It’s not a physical piece of Arceus per se, but one of his 18 plates.]

Any particular reason why Arceus is a guy in this?

[Maybe if we modified our fossil restoration program, we might be able to summon the God Pokemon.]

They might be able to modify their program that depends on the presence of DNA to clone something based on an object that contains no DNA? This is nonsensical. The plates are external to Arceus. Even in the movie, they don’t appear to literally be a part of Arceus.

[Everyone in the room replied, “I!”]

The word you want is “aye”.

[A FEW DAYS LATER]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

[As high energy gamma rays began to bombard the relic]

What. How does that make any sense. That is definitely not how they restore fossils. Gamma rays kill things, they don’t generate life. If their best plan is “let’s bombard the unknown magic artifact with unstable energy and see what happens”, they’re complete idiots and I have no idea how it took this long for their plans to blow up in their face.

[The plate emitted an even brighter flash of light, releasing huge amounts of energy that destroyed both the restoration chamber and it’s control panel leaving the room covered thickly in smoke.

“Is everyone all right?” Walter asked, unable to see his fellow admins through the smoke.

“I’m fine.” Homer replied.

“I’ve got a few bruises but other than that I’m fine.”]

Okay, so firstly, you want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

Secondly, no, they are not fine. There’s been no mention of a failsafe or that the gamma ray generator shut off. They are all being bombarded with lethal amounts of radiation right now.

[Spooky plate]

When a name spans multiple words, every word is capitalized. This should be “Spooky Plate”.

[I am Angra Mainyu]

Why is he named after an Earth god?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12235878/1/The-Dark-Choirs-Shadows-of-Kanto

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[“-” = Regular Talking

“-” = Translated Pokémon Talking

(-) = Telepathy Talking]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong.

[Emolga hated living underground.]

That makes as much sense as you being named “Human”. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s ridiculous and confusing. Your characters deserve actual names.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12236084/1/False-thoughts

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[And if I am not mistaken, that is only 11 different people you are allowed to fall in love with.]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters. Also, what? Trainers can catch plenty more than 11 pokemon.

[Me, and the four others on the team first met Luke]

That comma shouldn’t be there.

[didn’t”t]

Proofread.

[now that we had a Pokemon that fit in the UBERS tier as they call it]

What? Using game mechanic terms in a story sounds ridiculous. There’s no reason to assume power levels are as strictly regimented as in the games.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not obeying this rule makes your story incomprehensible, and thus makes me not want to read it.

[“Well, not all guys like girls. The term for someone like me, is that I’m gay.”]

Also, no one talks like this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12237022/1/Pokemon-Day-and-Night-Character-Guide

Non-story chapters are banned. This belongs in a forum post or on your author profile.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12236136/1/Out-of-the-Norm

Non-stories are banned on this site. Also, try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12236432/1/The-Natural-Habits-of-Wild-Eeveelutions

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[There are little known places in the wild of Eeveelution sightings, but with recent technology we have been able to find and observe these Pokemon in their natural habitat.][…][Ever since all of the Eevee evolutions were nearly hunted to extinction, they have become harder and harder to find in the wild until we assumed they died out.]

Eevee are everywhere in Kalos and in Pokemon Go. Given that eevees are far more desirable than the evolutions, if people were poaching and hunting them I’d think the eevees would disappear before their evolutions. This doesn’t make a lot of sense as an explanation. (A better explanation might be that wild evolutions are just extremely rare to the point we’d never see any in the games’ simplified version of things, given that the evolution stones seem to be rare and leafeon and glaceon can only evolve in very specific areas.)

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Even given the unique format of your story, this is the sort of thing that should go above your first chapter, not stand on its own. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12236543/1/ashxleaf

This belongs in the Anime category. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu in the “Category” section.

Non-story chapters are banned.

This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12236612/1/Pokemon-s-Last-Stand

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is a mess. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12236667/1/Lights-new-adventure

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12236814/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Explorers-of-Time-and-Darkness

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[This is mainly for myself since I always do a character and I wanted to do myself for once. Read and Review. I do not own Pokemon]

This information should go in your author notes, not your summary.

Relatedly, please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, generic summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Sharpedo bluff]

When a name spans multiple words, all parts are capitalized. So this should be “Sharpedo Bluff”.

[On the beach laid a skitty, glasses nearly broken, she laid unconscious]

You want “lay”, not “laid”. “Lay” is the past tense of “to lie”, while “laid” is the past tense of “to lay”, which is a different verb entirely.

[Meanwhile a treecko paced in front of a wigglytuff shaped building.]

This needs a comma after “meanwhile”, and “wigglytuff shaped” needs a hyphen between the two words. You have many similar errors throughout; you might want to get a beta reader to help you.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. Repeating the exact same opening as every single PMD fic ever does not do that. If you have a unique plot idea, start there or at least get there within the first chapter; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12236849/1/Dreams-Come-with-a-Price

This belongs in the Anime category. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12236887/1/The-Alola-4

[Story]

Is not a proper noun and therefore should not be capitalized.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[hinting her mother.]

What?

[A 3rd worker]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. A single short scene just isn’t enough to do that. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12236934/1/The-Lost-Soul

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or psychic. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

This belongs in the Anime category. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu in the “Category” section.

[And some just pretend that they know what they’re doing, putting on a brave face for the world, hoping desperately that those around them don’t notice that they’re just a hollow shell, or a lie hiding much greater goals.]

This sentence is a jumble. You need to slow down and focus on what you want to communicate. What is the connection between being a hollow shell (so, having no ambitions at all) and hiding ulterior motives? Why is that mentioned in the same breath?

[I was only told that I was carrying with me the seeds of something more powerful than any mortal pokemon: Arceus had named it Mewtwo, possibly as a reincarnation of the fabled Ancestor of all Pokemon.]

What. This is a pretty major departure from all canons, then, if Mewtwo is a divine being and not a science project. Relatedly, Arceus is comatose in all canons. He’s kind of a hands-off god.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. A general introduction like this should be part of your first chapter, not stand on its own. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12236941/1/Nurse-Isabelle-and-the-Johto-Pok%C3%A9dex-the-Trials-of-a-Field-Nurse

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

5 Comments

  1. Profile gravatar of illhousen illhousen says:

    Look, this isn’t Pokemon fanfic. If you want to write Biblepunk fantasy, that’s great, but you should publish it as original fiction on Archive of Our Own or Fictionpress.

    I feel obligated to link this: http://www.miaminewtimes.com/news/myths-over-miami-6393117

    Modern mythology is both great and depressing. One day I should make a TRPG setting out of it.

    I am Angra Mainyu

    …Great, now I’m imagining Shirou as a trainer. Gonna catch them all of the world’s evil!

    0
    1. Profile gravatar of EnviTheFool EnviTheFool says:

      Unlimited Doublade Works

      1+
    1. Profile gravatar of Keleri Keleri says:

      “Rocketshipping” was cute because it was a pun. Everything that followed? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE

      0
      1. Profile gravatar of GoldenFalls GoldenFalls says:

        My favorite is probably AccordingToTheSurgeonShipping – Archer & Roxie’s guitar. What I like is that it’s both absurd that they decided this needed an official ship name and the actual name they chose doesn’t even follow the standard format. It’s like a parody of the concept.

        1+

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