[25] The Other Pokereviews, Part 36

Meh fic today. There was a semi-interesting one, but the author took it down.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12276966/1/Pokemon-Adventures-in-Alola

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[“Pika Pi! (Looking for these?)”]

This looks really awkward; there’s absolutely no need to write both the gibberish and the translation. Either leave it untranslated (we don’t really need to know exactly what Pikachu said here) or just use the translation, possibly with different markers to show it’s pokespeech.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12277496/1/All-I-Want-For-Christmas-Is-You

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12277702/1/Jathemon-The-Beginning

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

Centering all your text makes it difficult to read.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12277732/1/Adventures-of-Pokemon-Trainer-Brendan

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You need to capitalize “Hoenn league” consistently.

[Brendan’s team (Based off my personal experience with Pokemon Emerald)

Sceptile: (Leaf Blade, Hyper Beam, Slam, Quick Attack.)

Hariyama: (Brick Break, Bulk Up, Mega Punch, Surf)[Yes, a fighting type with surf, how weird xD]

Sandslash: (Earthquake, Dig, Slash, Hyper Beam.)

Alakazam: (Psychic, Calm Mind, Recover, Thunder Wave)

Arcanine: (Flamethrower, Extreme Speed, Crunch, Fire Blast)

Tentacruel: (Blizzard, Toxic, Hydro Pump, Waterfall)

Other Pokemon (Johto/Kanto/Hoenn)

Torkoal (Flamethrower, Body Slam, Protect, Overheat)

Electabuzz (Thunder, Thunderpunch, Protect, Light Screen)

Heracross (Night Slash, Dynamic Punch, Close Combat, Mega Horn)

Nidoking (Iron Tail, Earthquake, Thrash, Horn Drill)

Pikachu (Quick Attack, Thunder, Thunderbolt, Thunder Wave)

Wobbuffet (Counter, Mirror Coat, Safeguard, Destiny Bond)

Feraligatr (Surf, Whirlpool, Ice Punch, Icy Wind)

Dragonite (Fly, Dragon Claw, Hyper Beam, Ice Beam)

Lapras (Thunder, Body Slam, Psychic, Hydro Pump)

Jolteon (Quick Attack. Thunder, Hyper Beam, Dig)

Ursaring (Slash, Avalanche, Close Combat, Bulk Up)

Ninjask (Agility, Swords Dance, Toxic, Baton Pass)]

You do not need this and it’s offputting to dump it on the reader all at once. If this information is relevant, it should come up in the story. If it isn’t, this is a waste of space.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

All sentences need to end in punctuation, not just some of them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12277849/1/Eight-Little-Eevee

[Ages:

Daniel D’Arciola: 15

Emma D’Arciola: 13

Ryan D’Arciola: 13

Connor D’Arciola: 12

Rebekah D’Arciola: 5

Darian D’Arciola: 5

Ira D’Arciola: 4

Amber D’Arciola: 4]

You do not need this and it’s offputting to dump it on the reader all at once. If this information is relevant, it should come up in the story.

[Alternate titles: “Intro”, “Eight Young Eevee”, “Meet the Partner” and “Pierre and Lauren’s Family Grows”]

…Then why didn’t you use those as your actual title? Your story shouldn’t look like it’s been picked up off the cutting room floor. Regardless, titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[(Whiterose City, Johto. D’Arciola residence. 6am)]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[A large one, in fact. Lauren and Pierre were not only trainers, but also breeders. *]

Okay so here’s the thing about endnotes. You are probably familiar with footnotes, as those are more common in physical books. Footnotes are nice because you can quickly glance down to read them and then return to what you were reading without much disruption, But when you change to an electronic medium, this is no longer feasible. Endnotes require scrolling all the way to the bottom, losing your place, and then scrolling all the way to the top again. It is better to work this information into the narration itself, or to just address it normally in the ending note.

Let’s see what was so important you want us to drop everything and skip to the end?

[(*) LesCieux is French for “the skies” and like many made-up names is two (or more) words merged together.]

Irrelevant trivia. I see.

I would recommend against using horizontal lines for scene breaks in the story when you also use them to separate your author’s notes. Speaking of which, you need a line for your ending note as well.

[“Morning, mom,”]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12277902/1/Lonely

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

All sentences need to end in punctuation, not just some of them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12278202/1/Journey-of-the-Dragon

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12278247/1/He-s-a-monster-Dimesionalshipping-one-shot

Songfic is banned on this site.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12278382/1/PokeCrack

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

This is not nearly as clever or original as you think it is.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12278696/1/A-Vacation-from-Being-the-Best

[“I mean, think about it! I just sent that Sun kid packing again yesterday. He’s supposed to be champion level, our level, and- OW! Damn it, Red!”

Blue shot a glare to the other side of the bridge, where Red sat smirking with his own fishing pole. A minimized, unused pokeball rolled to a stop between them.

“Fine. Your guys’ level. Because being champion for twenty minutes doesn’t count.” Without turning back around, Red gave him a thumbs-up. “Bastard…” Blue muttered.]

Wow, Red’s a dick.

[“Everyone knows it, Red. Gold should be champion, anyways, but he’s more interested in travelling.”][…]

[“Besides, Cynthia,” the orange-haired trainer said, “aren’t you just waiting for that Diamond kid to take over?”]

[…]

[“Why can’t Alola have a champion like Brandon?”]

And what are all the girl protagonists doing…?

[taking in the slights of the myriad of waterfalls]

Typo.

[Professor Kukui’s lab was a complete and total disaster, but judging how many burn marks or scratch marks there were wasn’t her job. At least the aquarium hadn’t shattered.]

Hah, that’s a good jab about the aquarium, I noticed the same thing too when I played.

[“Giving out starters has always been Old Man Hala’s job, not mine. I just do research.”

“So… where do we go?

One flight later, and the three wannabe new trainers stood at the top of the highest summit in Alola, Mount Lanakila.]

Aren’t they still also kahunas? That’s a more important duty than being elite four members. I’m pretty sure they don’t literally live in the challenge room.

[‘Well, Pidgeot did…’ Blue thought.]

Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.

[Just like any other Pokemon League challenge, he was locked in here until he either won or was defeated.]

…Surely they can make an exception in this case?

[She spoke to him earlier today, before they left the Battle Tree, but hadn’t told her plans to the rest of the team. They were there for her whenever she needed them; she knew she could depend on each and every one of them. Why, then, was she about to start over?

Would the extra challenge be worth it? Did ‘having fun’ justify what she was about to do?]

This brings up a good point. While the motivation of wanting to start over is relatable from a game player’s perspective, this looks incredibly callous in-universe, where pokemon are supposed to be actual people you care about and not interchangeable tools to be discarded when it suits you.

[I’m going to leave you all with Professor Rowan for a while.” Her togekiss fluffed up her feathers at this, causing Cynthia to laugh lightly. “Yes, I know he’s a bit of a stickler, but he’ll probably take you on a few of his research expeditions if you ask nicely.]

I mean really. This is just sad.

[For pokemon names, I plan on leaving them uncapitalized unless it’s a trainer referring to a specific pokemon or a legendary.]

I appreciate this a lot, but by the same logic, you shouldn’t capitalize “champion” or “island challenge” either.

I’m a little exasperated at the romance angle just because it feels so token and obligatory (Blue and Cynthia have no chemistry together), but other than that and the callousness issue I pointed out, this is well-written.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12278812/1/The-King-s-Speech

[Only when both sides are truly free, then, and only then, will people and pokémon be equals.]

I’d say that not constantly insinuating pokemon aren’t people every time you talk about them in the same breath is also a prerequisite.

While I appreciate you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself, individual species shouldn’t be capitalized either. Read this for more detail: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[“Let them go?” the little girl’s voice was loud in the hush.]

The narration doesn’t contain a speaking verb here, so it should be capitalized, as it’s it’s own sentence.

[they gave us only the basic tenants]

A tenant is an occupant. You want “tenets”.

[“Great Arceus,” I breathed.]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. This is especially true when the story is set on the other side of the world from Sinnoh. It’s fine to assume they have a religion like Christianity and just use “God”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12278870/1/Take-the-World-by-Storm

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[Prologue]

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Mount Lanakila, Alola Pokemon League HQ]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12278879/1/An-Alternate-Another

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12279041/1/How-to-Be-A-Good-Daddy

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Not capitalizing “I” makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12279351/1/Endeavor

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12279413/1/The-Trial-that-Really-Matters

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12279459/1/A-Zangoose-and-A-Charizard

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You shouldn’t switch between multiple POVs in a single chapter, it’s extremely disorienting.

This is a mess. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12279689/1/A-School-Never-to-Be-Forgotten

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12279758/1/reds-silent-aura-journey

This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

Generally, try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12280062/1/Tapu-Koko-and-the-Internet

This is not nearly as clever or original as you think it is.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12280064/1/Pokemon-just-got-real

Learn to troll properly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12280381/1/Road-to-a-Pokemon-master

Script format is banned on this site.

This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

Generally, try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12280906/1/Long-Live-the-Prince

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[“Ah, l-lord Decidius,”]

However, titles are capitalized when they’re combined with a name, like here.

[He pointed at a paw with the other, “Do you even]

And since the narration here doesn’t contain a speaking verb, it’s its own sentence and should end in a period, not a comma. (“He pointed at a paw with the other” also sounds awkward to me; just “he pointed to/motioned to his paw” would probably get the point across better.)

This whole scene is nice. I like stories that examine the weirder aspects of pokemon, like the body changes that come with evolution.

I am also pleased that this is a fantasy story where the monarchy is evil. Down with the aristocracy, comrades!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12280932/1/Freedom

This is sweet.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12281036/1/This-of-Juliet-and-her-Romeo-Mudsdale-and-Rapidash

[Rapidashs who rule]

Typo. The last sentence of your summary also appears to have been cut off.

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. This should go above your first chapter in an author’s note, not stand on its own.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

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