[25] The Other Pokereviews, Part 38

“Today I get to pick my lifelong partner, companion, and friend: I get to pick my first Pokemon. Of course, I’m picking Tepig. Who wouldn’t? Strong, dependable, great evolution. You can’t lose!

Of course, someone else will want Tepig, which is why I’m rushing to the lab right now. I will be the first there and I will get my Tepig!”

But trainers totally don’t treat pokemon as disposable objects, shut up you joy-hating hippie scum!!!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12285215/1/The-Mysterious-God

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12286015/1/Ash-Meets-Ashley

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12286108/1/The-Road-To-Ashes

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12286155/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Explorers-of-Creation

[Ten years after the events of Explorers of Sky, an Eevee]

You’re generally good at not capitalizing pokemon, but you capitalized “eevee” here.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

Opening your story with the quiz is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. It’s a game convention that serves no purpose in a fic, as it doesn’t actually tell us anything meaningful about the protagonist. Do you have a plot that makes your story unique and interesting? That is what your opening should be about, not something your readers have already seen before.

Relatedly, this is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. The quiz alone does not do that, for the reasons I listed above. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12286315/1/I-Just-Want-To-Win

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12286640/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Catalyst

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12286917/1/Ace-s-adventure-in-sinnoh

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

This is a mess. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12286852/1/Skiddo-s-Trials

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[It’s trainer]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[“Skiddo run!”]

This needs a comma after “Skiddo”, as it’s a form of direct address.

The skiddo being named “Skiddo” makes as much sense as you being named “Human”. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s ridiculous and confusing. Your characters deserve actual names.

This is rather awkwardly written overall, and I’m having some trouble following what’s going on. You should probably get a beta reader from here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12287090/1/The-Poke-mon-Adventures

This is a mess. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12287126/1/Becoming

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader. Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12287272/1/Shades-Of-Grey

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[After the Plasma Rebellion 10 years ago, the age for heading off on a journey was changed.]

Why? I don’t see the chain of reasoning here. Teenagers got radicalized, therefore we should raise the starting age to the exact age of the terrorists’ key demographic, thus making teenagers angry at the state for postponing their journey and ensuring their first exposure to pokemon (where they are at their most impressionable) is exactly the right age for terrorists to recruit them and also the age where they might be more politically aware and notice that Team Plasma actually has a point? This is nonsense all the way down.

(Also, the Unovan protagonists were already teenagers. If there is an age restriction in canon it’s already around 15.)

[OH MY VICTINI SO BORING]

Many, many fantasy stories have tried to substitute in various expressions for “oh my God” and it has never, ever sounded anything but painfully awkward and artificial. It’s fine to assume they have a religion like Christianity and just use “God”. Kudos for actually using a region-specific deity instead of Arceus, though.

[Today I get to pick my lifelong partner, companion, and friend]

Uh huh. And does this “lifelong partner, companion, and friend” get to pick whether it wants to sign up for all that?

[Of course, someone else will want Tepig, which is why I’m rushing to the lab right now. I will be the first there and I will get my Tepig!]

Because nothing says valued friendship like treating your friend like a disposable commodity.

What I’m getting at here is that, like the games themselves, you are doing nothing but proving N right. If you want to write a story about how Team Plasma is wrong and stupid, you need to actually walk the walk and engage meaningfully with the setting to show that humans actually do treat pokemon with respect.

[so i can be closer]

Typo.

[Ren nods and I log it into my Pokedex: First Pokemon: Snivy, Male. Nickname: Ren. It’s mandatory that all Pokemon are logged. The penalty for not doing it is, like, jail and loss of custody of your Pokemon. It’s pretty bad. Needless to say, that’s not my plan.]

…So Unova is a totalitarian dictatorship in this? Welp.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. Rehashing the canon opening that everyone’s familiar with does not do that. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12287334/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-The-Story-of-Ash

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12287578/1/A-Changed-Alola

[but things are very different when your 21]

“You’re”. “Your” is the possessive.

You appear to have forgotten to post your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12287931/1/Ash-Alola-lemons

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[From it Ash saw Mewtwo, Hitmonlee, Sandslash, Meowth, Venasaur, Bulbasaur, 2Pidgeot, Scyther, Gyarados, Rhyhorn, Nidoqueen, Rapidash, Ninetails, Vulpix, Dewgong, Blastiose, Wigglytuff, Vileplume, Seadra, Vaporeon, Tentacruel, Golduck, Psyduck, Pikachu, Squirtle, Charizard, Slowking, Luxio, Whismur, Wailord, Nidoran (Several each), Koffing (several), Mothim (several), Rattata (several), Zubat(several), Teddiursa (several), Spheal (several), Venonat (several), Houndour, (several), Darumaka (2), Darmanitan, Zoroark, Zorua, Larvitar, Tyranitar, Goodra, Greninja, Butterfree, Flygon, Absol, Cottenee, Snover, Fearow, Dragonite, Spoink, Skrelp, Hippopotas and Riolu.]

I’m really not sure what you’re trying to do here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12287947/1/Heroes-End-Game

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This is a mess. Try harder and get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12288631/1/The-Legend-of-Red

Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12288880/1/Warrior

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Oh shi-sorry, mom]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[-3 hours later-]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

It’s unwise to use horizontal lines for both in-story scene breaks and to separate your author’s notes, as that makes it look like the author’s notes are part of the story. I would recommend using other symbols for scene breaks.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12288996/1/Joseph

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

A drabble is a story consisting of exactly 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for any short story.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12290190/1/More-Than-That

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12290315/1/Tokyo-Eevee-Girls-EEG-Squad

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[“Why?” Misty questioned.]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12290498/1/The-Daughter-of-Dragons

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12290715/1/Faded-Horizons

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[New Bark town]

When a name contains multiple words, all words are capitalized, so this should be “New Bark Town”.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Nina’s House – 8:13 PM]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

It’s unwise to use horizontal lines for both scene transitions and author notes, as it makes your author notes look like part of the story. I would recommend using other symbols for scene transitions instead.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12290836/1/Pokemon-Eclipse

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12291126/1/A-Second-Chance

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The Viridian forest…]

This is a bit awkward – it’s a specific forest, so just calling it “Viridian Forest” is fine.

[five minutes…10 minutes]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters. This looks especially awkward when you use numerals right next to a written-out number.

[Yo Arceus, you listening. I’m talking to you, you overgrown equestrian. How about some help?]

Arceus is not God. No in-game text references it, and given that its immediate response to creating the world was to go into a coma, it appears to be a very hands-off god. It doesn’t make much sense for someone to think this.

[and I took it all away.’]

You suddenly switch to using quotes for thoughts here, which is confusing because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.

[“you go ahead and finish these off,”]

Forgot to capitalize this.

It’s nice to see a story where things actually happen in the first chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12291239/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-Fighters-of-Flame

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“AAAGH!” screaming, he instantly sat upright]

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but when the narration doesn’t contain a speech verb, such as here, it’s a separate sentence and is capitalized accordingly. So this should be [“AAAGH!” Screaming, he instantly sat upright]

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