We are finished with 2016 at last. Hallelujah!
The end of the year contains a semi-interesting fic that tries to “deconstruct” mega evolution by adding in random grimdark while doing nothing to question or criticize the ridiculous things claimed in canon. Also, a story about how Arceus has to save Alola because why use pantheons actually relevant to the plot when you can make everything about how Arceus is literally the Abrahamic God.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12296760/1/Crackemon
Interactive and non-story chapters are banned on this site.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12296852/1/Cherryheart-A-Pok%C3%A9mon-story
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12296931/1/Ascension
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
[Indigo Plateau [6:00 P.M]
Pokemon League, Kanto Region]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12296953/1/Of-Lies-and-Hidden-Truths
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12296967/1/The-Life-of-Jeffery-A-4thGenGamer-story
This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12297119/1/Pokemon-Mega-Evolution-Unleashed
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or mega evolution.
[“After years of research, I have come to a startling discovery. As you all know, I firmly believe that Mega Evolution requires a strong bond between Trainer and Pokemon in order to activate. This is false; A strong bond between Trainer and Pokemon is needed to keep the Mega Evolved Pokemon from losing control.”]
If he’s discovered his belief his false, he shouldn’t still “believe” it in the present tense. Pay attention to tenses.
Also, how did it take them this long to learn this? No credible scientist believes a theory without testing it. If he’s so certain a strong bond is required, he must have defined clearly what a “strong bond” was and tested trainers that didn’t have it. If he didn’t do that, he’s an incompetent hack and I don’t know why we’re listening to him and not someone who knows how the scientific method works.
[The Avis region; a beautiful region with a vast mountain range that covers half of the region.]
This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here.
[the wooden skeletons stilling being consumed]
“still”
[It and N knew that with Charizard’s ferocious behavior, getting close might not be a good idea. With how aggressive Charizard was behaving, getting close might not be an option.]
This is just restating the same thing twice.
This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. A single scene does not do that. What is the plot going to be about, what are the themes of this story? The summary and author’s notes should not tell us more about the story than the opening. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
[The Disaster at the Tower of Mastery is an incident that involves a Mega Evolution gone wrong. More details will be revealed at a later date. However, I will tell you this; A Trainer had somehow gotten their hands on a Key Stone and Mega Stone. They went to the Tower of Mastery to train, as that is where most Mega Evolution Trainers honed their skills. When Gurkinn had a battle with the Trainer to test them, something went horribly wrong.]
This, for instance, is the sort of thing that should actually happen in the first chapter. Why did you think summarizing it beforehand was a good idea.
[Also, I’m considering adding Alain from the anime in]
Something this important is something you should have figured out before starting the story.
[This Fanfic is based around deconstructing Mega Evolution. A lot of us just catch a Pokemon and slap a Mega Stone on it. In-universe, Mega Evolution requires a strong bond, but gameplay does not enforce that. The basis for this is “What happens when you Mega Evolve a Pokemon, but don’t have a strong bond with it?”]
While I, too, hate mega evolution and appreciate the attempt to point out how little sense it makes, this doesn’t actually do anything to deconstruct canon. Right now you’re saying that mega evolving without a strong bond results in something we never see in canon, which actually reinforces canon’s absurd claim that yes, every single mega evolver really does have a strong bond, right down to the crazy guy who wants to kill all pokemon.
You can, of course, claim that Lysandre’s mega evolved pokemon behaved differently than it did in canon, but then you’re just making a dark AU, not deconstructing canon. A deconstruction has to actually build off of canon material. A deconstruction would be if you said that, say, the “strong bond” bit was a total lie and just propaganda spread by Sycamore or the government for ulterior motives; that’s compatible with canon but interprets the evidence in a different way.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12297224/1/Kidnapped
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
[a gang of Pokèmon thieves]
You’re generally good about not capitalizing pokemon, but you capitalized it here.
This should be labeled as a crossover.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12297458/1/Rise-of-the-Iron-Drake
[A story I wanted to try hope you enjoy it]
Please make an actual summary.
Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is always a terrible idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.
This is a mess. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12297520/1/Rocketshipping-Drabbles
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
According to the site’s rules, summary content must be appropriate for all ages.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12297623/1/Champion-conquest-Sinnoh
Your title isn’t fully capitalized.
[Sun set’s his sights]
That apostrophe shouldn’t be there.
[After Sun lands in Sinnoh he runs into an old friend, his old partner was back.]
This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.
[*writing in a journal on a flight to Sinnoh*]
Don’t do this. This isn’t a screenplay or comic book.
[Two hours later…]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Why is everything italicized?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12297755/1/Pure-Love
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
[Narrative P.O.V:]
You don’t need to label a narrative point of view.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12297841/1/Alternate
[Something happened. Arceus could feel it.]
No it didn’t. Arceus sealed itself in a pocket dimension, is implied to be in a coma given you have to summon it with a magic flute, and doesn’t care enough to intervene even when someone is destroying the universe right under its nose. What I’m getting at here is that Arceus is not the Abrahamic God. Pick a different legendary for once, like maybe the pantheon that’s actually relevant to this plot.
Any reason why it’s male in this, by the way?
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or ultra beast or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Did the pokemon who were banished to live in a world away from the rest come to cause havoc?]
The ultra beasts are native to Ultra Space. They were not banished there. Pay attention to the plot.
[He sighed and called out to Solgaleo and Lunala. They were nowhere to be found. “What the hell?” He searched the world for them, checking the deepest parts of the ocean, the highest parts of the sky, but they vanished.]
How did he notice the wormholes opening but not the legendaries vanishing?
[Arceus, still in his human form, returned to the Hall of Origin and called forth his creations.]
Why is he still in human form?
[The entire room shook. The golden flakes from the ceiling rained down on top of Arceus’s head. He ignored it, waiting for the legendary dragons to arrive. They came in, one by one. Dialga broke through the large doors]
Please look up what the Hall of Origin looks like on YouTube. While you’re at it, a Let’s Play of the fourth generation games might be educational too.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12297960/1/A-Reason-For-Vengence
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
[an Intresting Life]
This should not be capitalized.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[2 Weeks later]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12297982/1/CHAPTER-1
Don’t delete and repost, it messes up everyone who’s already favorited and followed.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12298671/1/Painted-Ghouls
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Hey, come back here!” a male Combusken playfully laughed]
“Laughed” is not a speech verb (try laughing a sentence and you’ll see what I mean), so these should be separate sentences.
Also, this is a very awkward opening. This is a jumble of descriptors that manages to be overwrought and vague at the same time. For instance, “male” and “female” are extremely awkward descriptors, and using them like this just feels like you’re dumping a lot of information on your readers. Who is this male combusken? Does he have a name? That information is more relevant and more natural an opener.
[“Hey, you know Dad’s going to yell at us for that!” she breathed]
“Breathed” does not make sense as a description for something shouted in casual conversation like this. You’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.
[They had managed to escape, however I did not take long for their mother to be captured once more, leaving behind an egg, a small Torchic, and her mate. Ever since that incident, their father, Zeke, had been persistent on pushing them into training sessions and constant spars.]
Typo, and do we really need yet another story with a mom stuffed into the fridge?
[Mary would glance at Zachary]
“Would” is future tense, but the rest of the story is in past. Not sure what you’re trying to say here.
[The Combusken stepped forward.
“We can easily fight both of those things off,” Zachary coolly responded]
The reason a new speaker means a new paragraph is actually just an extension of the rule that a new subject requires a new paragraph; it’s because the focus shifts to the speaker themselves, not the dialogue per se. Therefore, it’s generally clearer to group all of a speaker’s actions in the same line.
[The only problem with the ability was that she never battles, so it isn’t like she would put it into good use.]
Keep your tenses consistent, it’s really jarring if you don’t.
[I’m what they call a Mudkip!]
Who is “they”? Humans? If the human names for the species are different than what the pokemon call themselves, why is Mary’s family using those terms?
[I’m sure you heard of that one herd that somehow makes their water types breathe on land, right?]
What? Plenty of water types are amphibious.
[It’s not everyday]
You want “every day”, two words. “Everyday” is an adjective.
This is awkwardly written – you deliver a lot of backstory and information in dry narration, which isn’t very engaging. It’s better to space it out and keep narrative exposition to a minimum – show don’t tell and all that.
Also, seriously, stop using “male” and “female” all the time. Epithets should be directly relevant to the scene and the specific individual in question (i.e. something that you can use to uniquely identify them), otherwise they’re incredibly awkward.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12298777/1/Summon-the-God-Arceus-and-Sinnoh
Are you not a native speaker? You’re having a lot of problems with tenses and verb conjugation. I would recommend getting a beta reader, which can be found here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
This also cuts off very abruptly. A first chapter should provide more information than this.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12298895/1/Students-of-Brass-High
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or student.
[There will be, laughs]
That comma shouldn’t be there.
[Not to mention~”
“~But things did get better, didn’t they?”]
Why are you using a tilde here? It looks like a dash would be more appropriate. Tildes are used to denote sing-song inflection.
[The girl in the backseat folder her arms]
You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
[“Okay, no need to interact with anyone… I can just be that girl that no one pays attention to. Yeah… that will work.”]
Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.
Even by the standards of AUs, this has nothing to do with Pokemon. Your characters are acting exactly like humans; their anthro nature doesn’t seem to have any effect on the plot. If your characters bear no resemblance to the canon ones, and your setting has nothing to do with the canon one, then I don’t understand why you’re labeling this as fanfiction instead of original fiction. You’d be better off unfettering this story from an irrelevant canon by publishing it as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12299065/1/Champion-Of-The-Orre-Region
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12299257/1/As-The-Crow-Flies
Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.
Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12299506/1/Pokemon-High-School-Rebellion
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12299583/1/Bound-to-the-darkness
Your title isn’t fully capitalized.
Arceus sealed itself in a pocket dimension and does not lift a finger to help anyone even when the universe is being destroyed literally right under its nose. By all appearances, it is a very hands-off god that does not do stuff like this. What I’m getting at here is that Arceus is not the Abrahamic God. If you want to write Biblepunk fantasy, publish it as original fiction instead of calling it Pokemon fanfic.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12299722/1/Pokemon-Reign-of-Chaos
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Where are you getting all of this from? Only one pokedex entry says Giratina was “banished”, and that doesn’t really match up with its other pokedex entries or its behavior in Platinum. (And come to think of it, there’s nothing saying who banished it; it could have been something other than Arceus.) By all appearances, it seems to stay in the Distortion World by choice; its appearance in Platinum implies that it can enter the normal world at any time, yet it only does so when the Distortion World is threatened.
[For centuries he had kept an eye on the chaos and made sure it didn’t destroy what Arceus had worked so hard to create. And yet Dialga and Palkia were the ones who always received the praise and love. Arceus loved them, yet Giratina, who had the most important job, was often ignored and rejected.
Centuries of this abuse led Giratina to rebel. Giratina took the chaos he watched and used it to create. He created a world where the laws and order of Arceus ceased to function properly, and he created some Pokemon able to plant fear into the hearts of others. Pokemon that fed on chaos, rather than order. And they waged war. They fought a long battle against Arceus and his follows, but in the end they lost.
Giratina was banished to the world of chaos he had created]
That’s an awfully literal and boring interpretation of the Distortion World, and doesn’t explain why it’s necessary for the normal world to exist and vice versa.
Even if there’s nothing here that actively contradicts canon, this is an incredibly boring and uninspired interpretation of the mythology. You’re just sloppily filling in the gaps with Christian theology instead of actually thinking about how these gods might be different (and thus interesting).
Arceus sealed itself in a pocket dimension and does not lift a finger to help anyone even when the universe is being destroyed literally right under its nose. By all appearances, it is a very hands-off god that does not do stuff like this. What I’m getting at here is that Arceus is not the Abrahamic God, and Giratina is not Satan. If you want to write Biblepunk fantasy, publish it as original fiction instead of calling it Pokemon fanfic.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12299892/1/Amourshipping-to-the-next-region
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You appear to have forgotten to post your story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12299907/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Neo-Natzis
It’s “Nazis”.
This is completely incoherent. What is this story even about?