[25] The Other Pokereviews, Part 43

Some moemon fic that seems like it may not be absolutely horrible, and a YA dystopia novel that somehow got mixed up with Pokemon. Otherwise, pretty boring.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12268722/2/The-Place-Where-I-Belong

[I’m capitalizing the names of the pokemon, simply because they’re capitalized in the games.]

So you’ll also be calling Skyla as a Pilot, then?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12393711/1/Rehabilitate

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[Not only that but he was force to battle in this condition.]

“Forced”, and this needs a comma after “not only that”. “Not only that” is also really awkward to use in prose; I would recommend writing around it.

Any particular reason why Null is male in this, by the way?

[It turns out]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Null then looked him in the eye and suddenly, the synthetic pokemon and Gladion connected. This boy was just as much of a prisoner as Null was. The pokemon didn’t know it for sure but he could feel it.]

9_9 Show, don’t tell. Characters Just Knowing things is really boring.

[“Poison from Nihilego. Whatever you do, don’t drink it. Ever since the workers here started drinking it, it’s caused them to change.”]

When did she have an opportunity to get such a thing? It’s kind of a major plot point that she’s never actually captured one before. I’m also not sure what this would gain her, as from the postgame it seems pretty clear the poison just kills you.

[“Wicke… Mother is going to freeze Type: Null. Is there a way I could stop it?” Gladion asked.

“Gladion, I’m afraid there isn’t. Nothing can be done. What your mother says goes. I can’t do anything. I’ll risk losing my job but you and Lillie need me. I can’t just leave you here with things the way they are. One of the workers around here needs to be sane.” She said.

“I can’t let her do this. That pokemon doesn’t deserve it.” Gladion said.

They walked down the hall way quietly and got into the elevator. Soon, they were on the main floor. Gladion could feel the anxiety of the situation claw at him. He felt so angry that he couldn’t do anything about any of this. What can he do? He had to do something! He couldn’t just let his own mother do this! How could he just stand by and let her get this bad?! Gladion regretted leaving his mother alone to grieve. Maybe if he had tried to get involved with her more, he could have stopped this.

“Maybe you should do something about it.” Wicke said.

“What do you mean?” Gladion asked.

“I mean… I’m saying that I think it’s time you left and went on your own journey.” Wicke said.

“But I can’t just leave Lillie here.” Gladion said.

“I will keep an eye on her. I always have and your mother won’t bother much with her until she’s old enough. But Gladion, you need to get out of here. The longer you stay, the more she will try to get you to take Nihilego’s poison and once that happens, you won’t be yourself anymore. You will be nothing more than a slave and you won’t know it nor be able to fight it. You’re not safe here anymore, Gladion.” Wicke said.]

This is incredibly wooden. It reads like they’re aliens trying to imitate human emotions, unsuccessfully.

[Nihilego… would visit but she could never stay in this world. She fed off of the people’s life force whenever they ingested its poison.]

????? That really does not seem like how any of this works in canon. Nihilego never appears long enough for Lusamine to lay her hands on it, much less extract anything. Also, that’s not how poison works.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12393873/1/Why-are-they-all-girls

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

Is this a sequel to something else? I have no idea what’s going on.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12392993/1/Moemon-Mysteries-Pikachu-s-Adventure

This is a mess. Try harder and get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12393106/1/The-Minister

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.

[-20 Minutes Later-]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

This is very bizarre. I’m disappointed that this doesn’t seem to be a story about pokemon liberation at all, as you’ve made the whole thing a dystopia where the humans are miserable too for no reason.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12393620/1/Horizon-Second-Dawn-Test-Chapter

[a Horizon: Zero Dawn and Pokemon crossover]

Then this is a crossover and belongs in the crossover section.

This also belongs in the Anime world of Pokemon. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Preview chapters are not allowed on this site. Post your chapter when it’s finished, not before.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12394632/1/Top-10-Pok%C3%A9mon-from-Alola

Non-story entries are banned on this site. This belongs elsewhere.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12394646/1/The-Psychic

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

[A boy by the name of Zyon is working his way through his Pokemon adventure, but he is not ordinary, he has the ability the hear the thoughts of all pokemon and let them hear his.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[‘Dodge it, go left.’ I used telepathy to tell my Goodra.]

And as an extension of that, you shouldn’t use single quotes to mean something significantly different from double quotes, since they look too similar. Telepathy is commonly represented either through italics, like regular thoughts, or through different symbols entirely, like {} or ~.

[it’s trainer]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[(Team Rocket Headquarters, Giovanni’s POV)]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

Your protagonist is a monster. He knows pokemon have human-level intelligence and consciousness and talks to them on a regular basis, yet he still treats them like pets and controls every aspect of their lives, and does nothing to change a status quo that encourages all of this. I’d recommend reading this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142476358/1/Pokemon-Intelligence

I also recommend you get a beta reader, as your story is full of errors and hard to follow. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12394933/1/Calem-X-and-Serena-Y

[GRAMMER AND SPELLING ERROR WILL PROBABLY HAPPEN. PLEASE COMMENT SO I CAN FIX THEM BUT GO EASY ON ME.]

There are far too many for me to comment on individually. Look at these threads:

fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar

fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12395183/1/Feel-Invincible

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[(Pallete town 11pm.)]

It’s “Pallet Town” (all words in a name are capitalized), and this is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is a mess. Try harder and get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12395184/1/Love-on-Cruise

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12395283/1/Love-in-the-Time-of-Tropics

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12395457/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Sun-and-Moon-Reimagined

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Pallet town]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Pallet Town”.

Centering all your text makes it difficult to read.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12395869/1/Pokemon-Reset-Bloodlines-Erika-Interlude

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[-Line Break-]

Um.

[his first Gym Battle]

gah

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12396654/1/Pokemon-college-experience

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

Please make a summary that actually says what this story will be about.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

[(45 minutes later.)]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12396742/1/Strangely-Inoccent

If you want to write high school fic, it’s okay to just write high school fic. Bringing Pokemon into it is just bizarre and distracting. (Archive of Our Own and Fictionpress host original fiction, FFN does not.)

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12396748/1/The-Untold-Misadventures

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12396861/1/Reality-s-Edge-Version-1

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12397132/1/Eachothers-back

Your title and summary are a mess. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[STEAMY SEX SCEANS BETWEEN POKEMON AND PEOPLE]

So pokemon aren’t people? That pushes this into very dubious territory.

[“This human speech”

[This is poke speech]

*Sounds*

(Thoughts)]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong.

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. This should go above your first chapter, not stand on its own.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12397166/1/Interlocking-Bonds

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[Instead of travelling with Serena, Clemont and Bonnie; what if Ash explored Kalos with Alain and Mairin?]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12397322/1/Empowered

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12397267/1/Life-with-a-Pok%C3%A9mon

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[Person’s name POV) how the person who is talking sees things.

“Person talking”

[Telepathic speech]]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

[I was now 6’2″ instead of 5’9″ and I had lost a lot a weight, from 220 pounds to 180, which should of been a large drop in weight, but it had no negative effects on me, given that I am only 15 1/2 years old.]

You don’t need to give readers this much detail. Even if they know off the top of their head exactly what these statistics look like, they’ll forget these numbers almost immediately.

[“Good for you, Joey” said Robert, a smile coming over his face, “you know what that means?”]

You seem to be writing basic dialogue right, but everything else looks wonky. Here is the full set of rules, for reference: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[(11 hours later. Joey’s POV)]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

[My head then started hurting, but not as hard as my other headache, which felt like I had a railroad spike being hammered into my head, but rather like I had hit my head multiple times on a wall, but this headache I could handle so I didn’t fall to one knee this time.]

This is extremely dissonant. He’s in head-splitting agony but he’s still lucid enough to clinically describe himself like this? Your narration should match the tone of the scene.

[The headache went away, but it felt like there was two heads inside of my skull, my own and someone else’s head, I then saw two shadows come forward]

That last comma is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[The first shadow took a humanoid shape, but there was a odd lump in the center of its chest.]

That’s a bit of an odd description. Gardevoir’s chest thing has a pretty distinct, spiky shape; a “lump” puts me more in mind of something like a rock.

[It’s legs arms and waist]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”. Also, you need commas between list items.

[The other figure to one the shape of something that looked like a dog]

O_o Eevee do not look like dogs.

[a orb]

“an”

[why is Alex so quite?]

“Quiet”. If you’re making this many typos, you might want to get a beta reader.

[are you ok?]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

Well that ended abruptly.

This chapter is long, but it’s still very insubstantial. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. You’re spending too much time on setup and having the characters be baffled by things we already know the answer to. Keep in mind you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12397480/1/Pok%C3%A9sage-Chronicles-Kanto

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[Smart, Wise, Psychic, Aura Ash.]

Then he’s an OC wearing Ash’s skin as a suit. You do realize it’s okay to write an OC if you don’t like canon Ash, right?

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

[Salutations!, my name is Samuel Oak, better known as Professor Oak. Iv dedicated my life to studying this worlds most interesting creatures.]

This is a mess. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12397913/1/PRAY

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. Put this elsewhere.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12398087/1/Aloha-Amourshipping

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Please make a summary that actually says what your story is about.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.

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