[25] The Other Pokereviews, Part 45

An OT fic that sneers about how much better it is than the drek before immediately making all the same mistakes as the drek. Also a “realistic” darkfic about a new region that segregates itself by type.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12403385/1/I-m-sorry

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12402972/1/Re-Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

[Every bone, muscle and tendon feels like they’re being ripped apart at the seams. Not to mention this splitting headache…”]

I don’t think that endquote is supposed to be there.

[Nngh…” He thought aloud.]

You’re generally formatting dialogue correctly, but you capitalized this.

You’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[mom and dad]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Overall, this is a pretty confusing mess. I don’t know what all the italics and bold are for but you shouldn’t be relying on them this heavily. I’d recommend getting a beta reader from here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12403704/1/Dark-Skies-Part-One

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or president. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

[Two weeks later]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12403861/1/Jake-the-Pok%C3%A9mon-Thief

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

[“Thief!” He heard someone shout.]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You’ve got a lot of confusing errors in this. I’d recommend getting a beta reader from here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[Then he got shot in the leg, and the pain was too acute for Jake’s spry young pain sensors of a boy, not a man.]

Your tone is also jarringly dissonant with the story’s events. This is a tense, life-or-death event, so why is the narration so relaxed and clinical?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12403955/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Adventures-in-High-School

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or high school. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12404008/1/Where-There-s-a-Wimpod-There-s-a-Way

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“I’m 17! Not a kid! How old are you? Huh? 50? 60?” Ash’s retort caught Guzma off-guard, stunning him for a moment before he could reply.

“SAY WHAT?!” The taller man took a double take, looking the not-kid over. Seventeen?! There’s no way! He’s way too cute to be older than– wait, what. “YO! Just ’cause I got white hair don’t make me old! I’m only 20!”]

??? Ash is canonically 10 (eternally), and Guzma is the same age as Kukui (exact value unknown, but definitely older than 20). If you’re changing the ages you need to specify that in the author’s note. It is also pretty skeevy that Guzma is attracted to the fact he looks like a child.

[Arceus fuck!]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12404067/1/Ben-Joe-s-Excellent-Adventure

I am not sure what the point of the opening section is.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

[“What I mean is that both the ‘UK’ and ‘England’ does not exist.” Joy said]

You’re generally formatting dialogue correctly, but you used a period here.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. You’ve introduced your characters and the plot seems to have vaguely begun, but we haven’t even seen any pokemon yet. It’s not interesting to watch characters fumble through basic events when we already know the answer to the mystery. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12404240/1/Amber-and-Carsons-Wild-Journey

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing “pokemon”, but species shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

[The National Kanto Leagues’ journey starting age is 15. These characters will obviously be smarter than some… other fanfictions.]

It’s a bit more complicated than that. For one thing, making characters smarter doesn’t necessarily make for a better story. This thread has a discussion on the subject of raising the starting age: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142926917/1/TRAINERS-START-AT-TEN

[Amber rolled off of her bed to get dressed. A cute outfit she picked out last night laid on her computer chair. She brushed her hair and ate a granola bar, and took off to the road to meet her brother. She wore a casual crop top that showed her slim figure, and black full-length leggings. She met her brother wearing a sleeves-cut-off gray hoodie and basketball shoes and shorts.]

…So you rail against how much other OT fic sucks then proceed to make the single most common mistake in them, the Dull Pointless Description Paragraph. This does not inspire confidence.

Description should be relevant and integrated smoothly into the story, not forced in like you’re doing here. Do their outfits tell us anything interesting about their characters, or convey some detail that will be important later in the plot? If not, then we really don’t need to know exactly what they’re wearing; in a non-visual medium, readers will forget such a minor detail almost immediately anyway.

[so you couldn’t see]

The general you should not be used in third-person limited narration.

[Yes, Amber and Carson are twins.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[“Sure. I feel what you’re saying”]

Proofread.

[On the way, there were many interesting experiments. However, some looked plain cruel. Oak was talking, but neither really cared. They were focused on what was happening around them, such as a poor ekans strapped down to a metal operation table.]

Are there no ethics or pokemon rights laws?

[trainers pokemon]

Missing apostrophe. Proofread.

[Carson spoke in a quiet voice,]

“Spoke” is, ironically, not a speech verb, and thus should not be paired with a comma.

[Oak reveals a cart with shelves stocked with 5th generation [Unova] pokedexes.]

What exactly does “generation” mean in this context? It’s a franchise term that should have no meaning in-universe. It’s absurd to assume that each region is discovered and added to the national database chronologically like in the games.

[A very cute squirtle immediately saw them and paled, jumping and tucking in all of its little limbs into its shell. That was just… well, adorable. She might have to take it in just so it would have a friend?]

That sure sounds more like a fear response to me. If Amber thinks the solution is to force it into more contact with her until it’s too emotionally numb to react, she’s an incompetent who should not be trusted around pokemon at all.

[it’s thumb in its mouth]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[She is just a baby, and will be quite a handful. Because of this, I have an offer to propose. Since this isn’t usually a pokemon I can give out alone, I have to give you an easier pokemon to train alongside it. This Squirtle here is very timid, [the squirtle had poked it’s head out, just a little after hearing it’s name spoken] and I believe that one of you can take the both of them.]

You need to close the quotes and start a new sentence when narration interrupts dialogue.

Also, Oak should be debarred for incompetence if he thinks a neurotic mess is an “easier” thing to raise alongside a baby that he should just throw in for kicks.

If you use horizontal lines to separate your author’s notes, you should use a different symbol for scene breaks; otherwise, your notes will look like part of the story.

[*Blink*]

This isn’t a comic book. This should be described in prose.

You also shouldn’t switch from third- to first-person narration.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This opening is practically identical to the quite literally thousands of fic just like this. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

Your story is also a mess, grammatically. You need a beta reader, and to try harder in general. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12404285/1/Miracles

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or power plant. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

[Prolouge]

“Prologue”. Also, titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You should use a different symbol for scene breaks and to separate your author’s notes; otherwise, your author’s notes look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12404627/1/The-Pokemon-Chronicles

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

You might also want to pick a more original concept. This premise has been done quite literally thousands of times before, and your iteration is not any more interesting. If you have a unique plot or idea – and no, the badge quest is not a plot – you need to have that come up in the first chapter. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

[“I don’t like it” she complained]

All sentences need to end in punctuation, not just some of them. Generally, this is a mess. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12404635/1/Pokemon-disaster

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

[pallet town]

And the fact you capitalize that but not an actual name makes me sad.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Are you not a native speaker? This is full of bizarre punctuation errors that make the story hard to follow. I would recommend getting a beta reader from here to help you: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12404795/1/Memories-of-No-One

This is completely incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12404891/1/Back-Into-Kanto

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[original character’s]

Plurals don’t need apostrophes.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

[All reviews will be replied to/answered at the end of the next chapter.]

Don’t do that, it’s incredibly inefficient and makes conversations practically impossible. You can respond to reviews directly by clicking the dialogue bubble icon next to them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12404903/1/Counting-the-Tails

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

[“Not again!” They shout.]

Dialogue formatting rules remain constant regardless of the dialogue’s punctuation.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12405098/1/Pokemon-Origins-Kain

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You also should not include multiple chapters in the same chapter. The chaptering feature exists for a reason. Use it.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12405116/1/Journey-of-the-Champions-of-Alola

[(The Pokemon League)]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

[“You may,” she replied “But I was born here and I will die here.”]

You still need punctuation after narration when it’s sandwiched between dialogue.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12405213/1/Ash-and-Lana

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[30 Minutes Later]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12405321/1/Project-X

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

In particular, you really shouldn’t use “stated”. It’s not a synonym for “said”.

[*SHLACK!*]

This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.

[(Elizabeth POV)]

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context, and you shouldn’t be switching POVs within the same chapter anyway, as that’s really jarring.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12405462/1/Weed

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

lrn2troll

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12405549/1/The-Aura-Guardian-s-Journey

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or aura guardian. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

[Sorry I Am Bad At Summaries.]

They’re really not that hard. Just make an honest attempt instead of giving up and apologizing, you’ll learn more that way.

[Ash I have a Pokemon for you, Professor Oak said.

Thank you Professor, Ash said.

Ash still has Riolu’s Pokeball from before.]

Script format does not become any better when you use “said” instead of colons.

You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12405882/1/The-Perfect-Gift

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

A drabble is a story consisting of exactly 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for any short story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12405959/1/Mimikyu-and-rockruff-chapter-1-gusty-days

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12406256/1/The-Saisei-Region

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

(I do appreciate that you’re not saying “people and pokemon”, though.)

[the Saisei region was built through the one thing it seemed to be good at, war.]

That comma should be a colon.

[While the other regions believe in the positives of training pokemon, Saisei was more realistic. Pokemon can be used for pain, for evil, for ideals, and only weak-minded fools would think otherwise.]

Only one country acting like the real world while the rest still carry on in family-friendly Nintendoland is pretty much the opposite of “realistic”. (You are also seriously Flanderizing things here; pokemon get used as weapons for evil all the time in canon.)

Also, the rest of the story is in past tense, so that first sentence should be too.

[The people of the region had divided themselves into seventeen factions, each honoring a specific type of pokemon]

Splitting societies by type has never made sense due to the simple fact that dual-types exist, but this reaches a further level of absurdity because you’re claiming this is done by a warlike culture – as the gym leaders repeatedly show, overspecializing in one type is not a good strategical move. On top of that there are just so many other factors people should care about more, like appearance, behavior, habitat, biology… Like, do you really think it’s realistic for the water region to hate vaporeon’s alternate evolutions more than, say, surskit? This way of thinking is so obviously grounded in game mechanics before anything else that it just ends up looking incredibly artificial.

[The fiercest of these hatreds was between the allied forces of Fighting-Dragon and Psychic-Fairy.]

Fighting-Dragon has a double weakness there. How are they still alive?

[the human’s imperfection became their salvation]

In plural possessives, the apostrophe goes after the S.

[the god of pokemon, Arceus]

There’s really no evidence that Arceus is considered a supreme god by the whole world, if it even is a supreme god to begin with. There’s lots of information on Dialga and Palkia in the fourth gen games showing they’re revered as gods, but absolutely zilch on Arceus. If it has any worshippers they’re pretty obscure, and if it has barely any worshippers in its own region why should people on the other side of the planet care about it?

(Any particular reason why Arceus is male in this, by the way?)

[The surviving people and pokemon]

And I see I have to take away that cookie now.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This is just backstory. It could work well as part of your first chapter, but a first chapter should really involve your main character and plot at some point. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12406752/1/A-Brilliant-Shade-of-Red

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

A drabble is a story consisting of exactly 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for any short story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12407221/1/Cross-the-Sea-Butterfree

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. If you object to this, please take it to the thread instead of messaging me.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, all sentences need punctuation, not just some of them. Try harder and get a beta reader.

13 Comments

  1. Hyatt says:
    That Saisei region sounds a lot like the Ransei region of Pokemon Conquest. Different factions based on type, constant fighting between the factions, Arceus being the top god…



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    1. Septentrion says:

      Ransei is designed to be easily conquered.. No monotype civilization would last long.




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      1. Hyatt says:
        Well, yeah. I just suspect the inspiration for the Saisei region fic came from playing Pokemon Conquest. Or maybe just by hearing about it, since their fic still has pokeballs, and they have the rivalries and alliances being based strictly along type and not personal relationships.



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    2. Arceus being the top god…

      Well now I have to check it out. It must be related to all this Arceus worship we’re seeing.




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      1. Hyatt says:
        Wellll, less top god than ultimate pokemon who everyone’s chasing and who probably created the region.

        It’s a fun game if you like turn-based strategy, but the world makes even less sense than the mainline games. On the other hand, you can learn a lot about Japanese history by looking up the character names!




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        1. CrazyEd says:
          Pokemon Conquest is a mashup of the Pokemon series with Oda Nobunaga’s Ambition. Those games are great for learning about the first of the three great unifiers of Japan and still pretty good for the other two (though, of course, it focuses on the military campaigns of Oda Nobunaga above all and paints a pretty glowing picture for a man most historical sources remembers as the Demon King).

          I don’t know how much history is put into the characters in Pokemon Conquest, but the historical personages of Japanese history between 1560 (the start of Nobunaga’s ambition) and 1610 (the battle that finally unified Japan under the rulership of Tokugawa Ieyasu) are fascinating.

          Is Date Masamune in Pokemon Conquest? He was the 12/10 top tier liege of the entire sengoku period.




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          1. Hyatt says:
            The game uses names of real historical people for all the warriors, keeps some of the relationships intact, and has other subtle references to history (mainly around Mitsuhide, who gets special dialogue when attacking a castle where Nobunaga is), but it’s not an accurate representation of history at all, and not just because pokemon are involved. And even with the character names, people of many different generations are all shown to be the same age; three generic female warriors are named after Oichi’s three daughters, but there’s no relationship between any of them in the game, and Oichi doesn’t look old enough to have any kids.

            Masamune is in the game! He’s the senior Warlord of Avia, the Flying-type region, and part of Nobunaga’s army in the main story.




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            1. CrazyEd says:
              Which is also a pretty big historical liberty! Date Masamune was a super latecomer to the field of the Sengoku period. His father, Terumune, would be more along the time of Nobunaga. There was basically no way Masamune could’ve served under Nobunaga. He was barely even a man by the time he died. That’s why, in Shogun 2, the Date clan actually starts out under Terumune. It’s too early for Masamune. Japanese history would’ve been a far different place if he’d come a generation earlier.

              Incidentally, I just remembered: In addition to being a 12/10 liege, he was also one of the most totally loyal vassals that the Tokugawa shogunate could’ve asked for. After the battle of sekigahara, he basically accepted war was over, and went on to find other hobbies besides unifying Japan to occupy his time. But the Tokugawas never trusted him. :(

              (The One-Eyed Dragon uses Flying-type types?)




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            2. CrazyEd says:
              God damn, I love the Nobunaga’s Ambition design for Hideyoshi. It’s so… yeah.

              And does Takeda Shingen have a groudon mask? That’s Takeda Shingen in a groudon mask. Yes.

              Nohime in a witch hat. Okay. I approve of this. For historical reasons.




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            3. Hyatt says:
              You should see them with their Perfect Link pokemon, and the pokemon imitating the warriors’ expressions.  It’s like seeing double! Especially with Hideyoshi and his fire monkey.



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  2. CrazyEd says:
    What’s wrong with saying “people and pokemon”, exactly? I mean… pokemon aren’t people. If you say “people live in this village”, then that says nothing about whether pokemon live in the same village, the way “people and pokemon live in this village” does.



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