https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11983561/1/Summer-vacation-Part-1-Serena-vs-Miette

Using quotes for thoughts is confusing, as it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.

Including author notes in your story is always a terrible idea. Your job as a writer is to immerse the readers in a narrative, and reminding them of the artificiality of the medium does the exact opposite.

Overall, this is a mess. Spellcheck and get a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11983665/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-The-Grand-Spectacular-Adventures-of-Arianna-Foster

Using ‘ for thoughts is confusing, as it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like characters are talking out loud.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part iis/i considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11983694/1/Renegade-Reality

While I appreciate that you’re trying to make your prose interesting, you’re overdoing it. My eyes glazed over in the second paragraph. Using descriptive language is an important part of engaging the reader, but too much and the reader will tap out. Focus on what parts are important and work around those instead of jamming in as many words as possible.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11983848/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-The-Twilight-Siblings

Your summary has a lot of errors.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11984623/1/Amour-surpass-everything

Your summary contains so many errors I can barely understand it. Proofread more thoroughly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or high school.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part iis/i considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

And on that note, using ‘ for dialogue is nonstandard; ” is more common.

Labeling scenes is extremely jarring. Use proper scene transitions instead.

All sentences should end in punctuation, not just some of them.

In general, this is riddled with so many errors it’s virtually unreadable. Try harder and get a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11984585/1/The-Knight-Of-Absurd

[Please rate and review. Tell me what you liked about this story, and what you hated about it.]

Well for starters, you need to separate your author notes from your story somehow. FFN has line breaks, use them.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part iis/i considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

I’m also not sure why you’re ending all dialogue with a dash. You don’t need to do that.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11984416/1/Always-Waiting

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part iis/i considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

[“…” Pokemon speech]

Just italics is a bit confusing. What if you want a human to be really angry and italicize their whole sentence? A different marker is probably a better idea – I’ve seen another fic use {} for pokemon speech.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11984175/1/Shadowed-Soul

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or oran berry. The same logic should apply to moves – if you’re putting an article in front of it, it probably isn’t a proper noun.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. In case you’re confused on all the rules, dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

You’re overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag. In particular, “stated” is one you should generally avoid. (It’s not a synonym for “said”.)

[it’s almost lifeless eyes]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

This doesn’t seem to have much to do with Pokemon at the moment. You could easily replace this with a fantasy setting with humans who have magic powers.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11984862/1/Legend-s-Song

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Auraix is a 14 year old boy with red eyes and short black hair. He wore a starry blue jacket and a red shirt, as well as blue jeans. He also wore a sword shaped necklace and a red phoenix like mask.]

I’m not sure why you’re placing this in the author notes. If this information is relevant, it should be worked into the story itself. Also, your tenses are inconsistent, pay attention to that.

[‘…’ – Poke Speech]

I wouldn’t recommend this; it looks too close to “, leading to confusion. More distinct marks like [] or {} work better.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part iis/i considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11985300/1/The-Aura-is-Within-Me

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or fanfiction.

This is indeed far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. Exposition doesn’t do that. It would be a better idea to place this above your first chapter of actual story instead of making it stand on its own.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11878122/5/Silver-Scarlet-Academy

Your chapter title is misspelled.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11986785/1/Ash-s-Tale-Flames-and-the-Mind

[A wandering Charizard]

You’re generally good about not capitalizing pokemon, but you capitalized this and a few other instances.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part iis/i considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

The narration here is pretty stilted and confusing. It’s hard to follow what’s going on.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11986898/1/The-Atypical-Journey

[When a Unova-born woman is unable to receive a Pokemon due to scarcity, her family moves to Kalos on her sixteenth birthday..]

A 16-year-old is not an adult.

Also, extra period. You have multiple similar mistakes.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Most children had normally received a Pokemon when they turned ten, but times had admittedly changed. The presence of Pokemon had grown scarce in the Unova region, and Professor Juniper was no longer able to give out as many Pokemon as she previously had.]

Keep in mind not all trainers get pokemon the way the game protagonists do. There are preschoolers with pokemon. Ending the professor handouts would just result in more kids going out to catch or poach their own pokemon, I would imagine. To control the population crash there would have to be restrictions on that, too.

[Thus, she continued pushing back the age limit, as if the Pokemon would eventually return.]

How effective would this actually be? Unless way fewer 16-year-olds want to become trainers, this won’t actually affect the demand at all. Honestly, giving more pokemon to trainers seems like it might be a good idea, since animals survive better in captivity when there’s an unknown crisis happening in the wild.

What would make more sense here would be if trainers were deemed too irresponsible to handle such a dwindling resource, perhaps if there were lots of reports of trainers working their pokemon too hard and getting them killed. Most pokemon would be kept in care shelters while people try to figure out what’s going wrong. The protagonist could therefore be someone researching pokemon care and interning at one of these shelters, thus justifying her older age and allowing her to interact with something that’s not just the standard journey plot that’s been done to death already.

Speaking of which: Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. If you have a plot, the story should start there; if you don’t have a plot, you should think of one, because stories need plots. (Keep in mind also that if a 10-year-old can handle the difficulties of a pokemon journey just fine, a 16-year-old going through the exact same trials won’t have any tension. Complications and difficulty are interesting.)

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This is barely a single scene; it doesn’t tell me anything about where your story is going or what sets it apart from the literally thousands of stories with the exact same opening.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11987563/1/Pokemon-Adventure

[three friend’s]

That apostrophe shouldn’t be there.

[Will there adventure]

You want “their”, the possessive. “There” refers to a place.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part iis/i considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

In general, this is so riddled with errors it’s nearly impossible to read. Get a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11988637/1/The-Venomous-Villa

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or biology.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. If you’re unclear on the full rules, it’s: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part iis/i considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

[She was 19 and stood 5′ 7″ and I was 22 and stood 6′ 1″, so the age and height gap wasn’t sever.]

How does he know this, does he have a ruler? You never need to tell us characters’ exact heights down to the inch, it’s nothing but distracting. (Also, “severe”.)

[the boys and girls were all good looking! (And for the record, I am not attracted to the dudes. A guy can call another guy hot and not be attracted to him OK!?).]

I laughed out loud when I read this. This is the exact opposite of convincing. People who are confident in their sexuality do not need to constantly reaffirm it to everyone in the vicinity.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11989407/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Dimensions

Centering your text makes it difficult to read.

And even aside from that, this is unreadable. Try harder and get a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11990036/1/Accused-Rebel-Red-Neck

[Bold ItalicsHuman Speech

BoldPokemon Speech]

This is a bad idea. You shouldn’t be using the most emphasized, eye-grabbing format for the most common form of speech, as that’s extremely distracting. And just in general, bold is very jarring and should be reserved for very special occasions. Altering the font itself is also a bad idea, since it prevents you from using italics or bold to denote emphasis in speech. If it’s important to distinguish between different types of speech, you should use different denotation markers instead, such as curly braces {} for pokemon speech.

The rest of this is a mess. You’re dropping commas and misspelling words everywhere, and you have multiple speakers in the same paragraph, making dialogue impossible to follow. Get a beta reader.

Also, you wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or toxic. Or redneck (which is one word, by the way).

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11990481/1/A-Tale-of-Twins

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part iis/i considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11990468/1/Pokemon-Dark-Temptations

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[I should have gotten my starter Pokémon five years ago when I ten.]

Yes, he really should’ve. Why didn’t he?

[-short time skip brought to you by disappointment -]

This is a bad idea, as it jars the reader out of the story. Use proper scene transitions.

Likewise, it’s a bad idea to hop around POVs like you do at the end. The ending is totally unnecessary; we could have seen that part from Leo’s perspective.

This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This is barely a single scene. I have no idea what makes your story different from the literally hundreds of others with the exact same opening.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11990468/2/Pokemon-Dark-Temptations

Well that was incredibly contrived. Is there a reason the zorua inexplicably loves him so much it’s willing to become his thrall in a totally unnecessary manner?

[arch it’s back]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[I pulled out the necklace that my Mom gave me before she passed away…

I noticed it gave off a pleasant heat and glowed.

“Maybe this is what it’s allowing me to talk to you!]

So he’s a Mary Sue is what you’re telling me.

[“You just made me the happiest person alive!”

“How?”

“I have you now!”]

Do you not see how creepy it is that he’s referring to a talking, thinking individual as a possession he owns?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11990468/3/Pokemon-Dark-Temptations

[“I just realized I haven’t named you yet.”

“What would you like to name me?”

I suggested several names and the Zorua shot every single one if them down.

“How about… Layla?”

The Zorua’s eyes lit up.

“I love it!”

“I think it suits you perfectly!,” I said as I pecked her on the cheek.]

Why doesn’t she have her own name? Also, that last comma shouldn’t be there.

This is like a textbook example of everything wrong with the trainer dynamic, it’s kind of amazing. More on this in the author responses.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11990828/1/Anistar-s-Twilight

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part iis/i considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Labeling locations and flashbacks is jarring and just reminds your readers of the story’s artificiality. Use proper scene transitions. Switching POVs within the same chapter is similarly jarring and awkward; if the information is absolutely necessary, you should use third-person omniscient or segregate the POVs by chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11991780/1/Redemption

[*SC stands for Scene Change*]

This is jarring and unprofessional. It’s a better idea to use something like a centered ***, or even just multiple blank lines if FFN allows it this week.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or police. Or control.

[All he had to do was walk in and stab the dagger into Giovanni’s neck.]

Why not use a sniper rifle?

[His Pokémon team was a representation of his life in many ways; pathetically mediocre.]

You want a full colon here.

[‘Tonight is going to be great’, James overheard]

This should be [“Tonight is going to be great,” James overheard]. It is also possible to remove the quotes and italicize the dialogue if you think that dissociation fits better for this scene.

Your comma usage is wonky; you’re making a lot of comma splices and other improper transitions. You might want a beta reader to help with that.

[team mate]

“Teammate”, one word.

[“Don’t do anything stupid, James”]

This needs punctuation.

This seems a bit short for the first chapter. You’ve given us some atmosphere, but the inciting event hasn’t happened yet.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11992459/1/PMD-Growing-Up

What does this have to do with Pokemon?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. Also, no one will ever care what your character is eating for breakfast.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part iis/i considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11992599/1/Pokken-life

[prologue contains the summary of this story.]

No. The summary should be in your summary. People should be able to know what your story’s about without having to click on it.

The story itself is a confusing mess. You need a beta reader.