A SYOC story that is keeping its cards extremely close to its chest, thus making the plot incomprehensible; a story that’s just summarizing the events of Red and Blue with an emphasis on how great it is that pokemon are slavishly devoted; and something that wants to be A Song of Ice and Fire. And more!
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12470349/1/The-Bellum-Tournament
[The Bellum Tournaments arena]
Forgot the apostrophe. You have many similar errors throughout this; you may want to get a beta reader to help you.
This one actually got two other reviews criticizing the SYOC aspect.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12469980/1/Fallen-Accepting-OC-s
[Voices, almost robotic, called to one another imperturbably.]
“Imperturbably” is a bit ornate of a word to drop in your opening paragraph, and it’s pretty awkward-sounding besides. It might be better to use a more common word here.
I think you have a problem with ornateness in general throughout this. The scene is tense, but giving us lots of fancy similes feels like a pause in the action. It’s also clear the happenings in this scene are meant to be confusing and enigmatic, but giving us lots of description works against that.
[Yeah, I know this first chapter isn’t even really considered a chapter. It’s much too short.]
It might be okay in a normal story… but in a SYOC, you really, really need to give submitters a clear and unambiguous understanding of what the story will be about and what the setting looks like so they know which characters will fit in.
I’d like to submit a character to this, but with no idea of the plot and only one shot at this, I don’t feel I can do so effectively. I could submit every character I’ve ever come up with and let you decide which one you like best, but that feels like going against the spirit of the “only one OC” rule. Could you update your author’s note to provide more information as to the general plot and what role OC’s will play in this?
[Please post your OC submissions in the comments, not by PM, and ONLY ON CHAPTER ONE!]
And this kind of screws me over, because you can only review a chapter once. May I make my submission by PM?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12469980/2/Fallen-Accepting-OC-s
[“Let’s rumble, then,” Kasai grinned sinisterly.]
The dialogue here should end with a period instead of a comma, since “grinned” isn’t a speech verb and thus denotes a separate sentence.
Okay, so… what are the pokemon doing exactly? And why? You say the pokemon are going to be the major characters and that’s who we should submit, but I still have no idea what tone or focus you’re going for and how any potential characters will interact with this enigmatic plot.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12471214/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Heroes-of-Destiny
You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context, and you really shouldn’t switch POVs in the same chapter. Stories are stronger when they have a consistent POV we can get to know.
This one has another critical review saying all the things I wish I could say.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12475686/2/War-Of-Hybrids
Non-story chapters are banned on this site; this story is currently at risk of being taken down without warning. This is doubly important for SYOC stories. We NEED to know what the story is about in more detail than you’ve given, because we need to know what characters will fit in with the themes and plot you’re planning.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12474508/1/Pokemon-Middle-School
Non-story chapters are banned on this site. This story is at risk of being taken down at any time without warning.
This also has nothing to do with Pokemon. If your characters are indistinguishable from humans, just write them as humans instead of insisting they’re pokemon. Fictionpress and Archive of Our Own would love to host your original slice-of-life fiction, but it does not belong here.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12470681/1/Affection
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or mother. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
[“He’s just lucky, if we have a rematch, I could win easily next time.”]
The first comma here is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.
[overthrowing Professor Oak’s grandson from his reign as a Champion.]
“Reign” seems a bit extreme here – Red was right behind Blue, so Blue was only champion for a very short time.
[how does the entire Kanto Police Force encountered problems with them]
That “encountered” should be in present tense. You have many similar errors throughout this; you may want to look into getting a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
[Blue got what it takes when he’s training his team and beating stronger trainers, but only if his arrogance haven’t gotten the best of him yet. Leaf… I can’t say she’s good in any of those, she merely tagged along with Red for the entire journey, but she sure knows how to treat every Pokémon like a royalty. I think she’s capable of running a daycare of her own someday.]
Wow, that went downhill fast. The boy is a worthy opponent, but the girl is an airhead destined for housewifery? Try not cramming gender essentialism down your readers’ throats next time.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[I literally threw the type advantage he had out of the window]
“Literally” is not the word you want here.
[Truth to be told, I wasn’t expecting to get picked. Considering I have type disadvantage against three out of eight types Gym Leaders specializes in Kanto region]
How would he know this? The starters were not originally intended for training. Oak gave them to Red and Blue as a special favor.
[Red didn’t said anything for the entire battle, despite Blue’s remarks about his Squirtle being stronger than me and his other annoying comments. […] The only time he talked was to give out the order for the move I need to use or when I have to avoid the attacks.]
So then he did say something during the battle. Pay attention to what you’re saying.
[Considering he’s a rookie Pokémon Trainer, Red almost have no knowledge of Type Matchup. And that gave us our first and last loss ever. Red had learned quickly, the hard and painful way that Fire-type didn’t fare well against Water-type.]
The starters do not have elemental moves in the first battle. The type matchup is meaningless there.
[We finally reached Pewter City two days after we left off from Pallet Town, and Red went to challenge Brock, the Pewter Gym Leader who specializes in Rock-type. To this day, I was still pissed off that he put me against something as huge and strong like an Onix! It’s not my fault though, Red had no other option, Mankey and Nidoran already dealt decent damage.]
And why is Charizard obligated to suffer for Red’s incompetence? This is reading like Stockholm Syndrome.
[Professor Oak facepalmed]
This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.
This is really weirdly structured. In general, a long summary is not ideal for a story, especially when it’s mostly just mechanically listing off gameplay elements. The charizard’s reflection is not made in enough detail to really get me invested. If you wanted to do an overview of the whole journey, it should have been done chronologically. The story also feels like it is more about Red than the charizard; though the charizard is the narrator, the story is all about his personal journey to become an accessory to Red’s personal journey with no will or desires of his own.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12470733/1/The-Faithful-Heinrich
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[My eyes open up for what felt like a very long time, I can only squint due to some bright light shining on me.]
This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.
Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.
[I sit-up off the ground]
You don’t want a hyphen there. A sit-up is an exercise.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12478934/1/Updates-N-Stuff
Non-story chapters are banned on this site. This should go on your profile or a forum.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12478787/1/The-Dance-of-Dragonite
[a more mature look at the pokemon world with more serious fights and darker themes. takes inspiration from the “A Song of Ice and Fire” series but wont match up to it’s complexity in any way and also is not not medieval. shipping will happen later on. characters are aged up. Rated M for a reason. there’s going to be a lot of world building hopefully.]
why aren’t any of your sentences capitalized
This summary tells us nothing. What is the actual plot? What is this story about? You need to tell us more than just “Pokemon, but GRIMDARK” – that describes literally hundreds of stories in this category.
(Also, you do realize AsoIaF does not have a monopoly on grimdarkness, right? If the story doesn’t actually have anything in common with AsoIaF don’t say it’s like AsoIaF.)
You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
[The winds tore at him with its sharp fury.]
“Their”. Maintain subject agreement.
[He turned his head around hoping he would find that his enemy a good distance away.]
Dropped a word.
[Ahead of him was the sun, bright and blinding for anyone who dared look at it too long, at least that was what he was hoping was the case for his pursuers.]
The second comma here is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.
This many errors in the first page means you need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
I really expected better of someone who actually reads books.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12480601/1/The-Fanmade-Pok%C3%A9dex-Book
Non-story chapters are banned on this site. This belongs in a forum thread.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12480660/1/Lumiose-High-Ash-and-Serena-Fanfiction
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12480676/1/Pokemon-Worlds
You need to make a summary that actually tells people what your story is about.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[Prouluge]
Spellcheck.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[Chapter 2: Ash’s world]
This is not necessary. Use the chaptering feature.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12480745/1/Pokemon-Lillie-s-Adventure
You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.
[Lillie goes on an adventure in the Alola Region. Will she meet new faces in here. Read to find out.]
The same applies to this summary.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.
This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This does not do that. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12480752/1/City-of-Stars
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[Don’t be silly, Ash he told himself.]
This needs a comma after “Ash”; thoughts use the same punctuation rules as dialogue.
[“Huh?” he blinked.]
Relatedly, this should be “He blinked”, as it’s a non-speaking action and thus a separate sentence.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12480846/1/Nuzlocke-Blood-Moon
[After recently moving to the island community of Alola from his home region of Kanto, Joe begins to learn about his origin and the dark secrets of his Kantonian mother’s past.]
So it’s going to be exactly like every other edgy dark fic ever is what you’re telling me. Try to make a summary that tells people what your story is uniquely about.
Keep in mind that what makes for a good game doesn’t necessarily make for a good story. The Nuzlocke rules do not make sense for a serious setting, and don’t inherently make for an interesting story besides. The standard journey story is already incredibly boring; what is really added by turning trainers into sociopaths willing to butcher innocents for petty goals?
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader. Also, all sentences need to end in punctuation, not just some of them.
[“Ok, if that’s everything.”]
It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12480980/1/Mikan-Bridget-Mikan
[Hey all, this is my first story. Hope you like. Bridget is my OC. Some AdvanceShipping. Bridget is starting her new life in Pallet Town, with her pokemon Tiger Lilly (Litten). She’s just moved from Alola. But then, the most dreaded thing comes along. HIGH SCHOOL! (I suck at summaries…)]
The only way you can suck at summaries is to not try. Summaries have limited space, so keep the information in them relevant to your plot, and use them to tell readers what is UNIQUE about your story, not just what genre it is. The summary is what makes readers grab your story out of your hundred thousand competitors.
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.
[~Time Skip – 7:30 AM~]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.
While I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either.
This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. One conversation where two characters babble about mundane details we can already infer for ourselves does not do that. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12481225/1/Poison-Doesn-t-Always-Have-to-Hurt
I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.
[When her childhood home is completely destroyed, Skylar doesn’t have anywhere to go but forward. She continues on her exciting journey, but what is in store for her and her best friend?]
This could be a bit more informative. Who is Skylar – is she pokemon or human? What will she encounter on this journey? Indeed, what IS in store for her? A summary should hint at your themes and plot beyond just explaining what the genre is.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[Robin’s Mom]
Titles such as “mom” and “dad” are only capitalized when they’re used in place of names.
This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. Starting us off by showing us the protagonist’s normal life is fine, but you should reach the inciting event within the first chapter instead of ending just before it. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12481231/1/Pokedex-Adventures-With-Rotom
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or pokedex. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This is nicely descriptive, though there isn’t much of a story here.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12481347/1/Lost-in-Unova
Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.
[Aspertia city]
All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Aspertia City”.
[The trees of autumn deteriorating into their façade of winter.]
This is a sentence fragment.
[The day was chilly, with a small overcast, as expected of the last day of autumn and the light of the sun barely reached to the ground, but the overlook was safe from such weather, but while not cold, was windy.]
This is a run-on sentence.
[Such a pleasure as not being cold was not to last long]
This is very awkwardly worded and I have a hard time parsing this. You might want to get a beta reader to help you with this.
[our very tired, confused and slightly mental self-insert hero]
Using conversational second-person is generally not a good idea unless you want to make a point with it, as it’s very jarring.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[“Hey, who are you?” the blonde girl in a green and orange layered blouse and a matching green hat asks me. I look at her more closely and damn she’s freaking adorable. Like, if I was actually attractive and had a good personality I’d try to woo her but alas, I am not.]
It is really creepy that this is his first thought upon seeing a stranger.
A new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes your story incomprehensible.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12481449/1/Pokemon-The-Final-Challenge-Part-1
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12481681/1/A-New-Girlfriend
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon. However, similar logic should be applied to related terms such as “pokemon performer” – we don’t capitalize “animal trainer”, for instance.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[-time skip-]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12482016/1/Path-Of-The-Master
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[Anyway, jokes aside – I’ve noticed, for every story where Ash sets off, he always heads for Pewter first. Even I’m guilty of this, and I wondered why. Everyone knows I’m an advocate of the Gym Leader’s never going easy on a challenger, so it really doesn’t matter where a trainer starts off. Brock, or any Gym Leader is gonna stomp them flat.]
The reason is obvious – it works better narratively for the protagonist to overcome challenges generally at an even pace as they rise in skill instead of getting crushed at the outset, level grinding a bunch, and then rushing through all the boss fights. It’s generally accepted fanon that gym leaders use different teams to match the strength of their opponents. If you want to diverge from that, it could be a good idea, but it will likely require a heavy restructuring of the original narrative focus.
[Really, for the last five years now it had been the same old tried and true formula. First, they’d receive their starter Pokemon, then they’d make their way to the Viridian Forest]
No, that’s not how it works. Not everyone starts in Pallet. The game starters are given to you as a special favor. Most trainers you encounter say they got theirs through different methods. This is, again, why the sliding difficulty headcanon is popular, as it allows trainers to start at different locations and take different routes through the region.
[atleast]
You want “at least”, two words.
[His plan? Instead of heading for Pewter, he was heading for Cinnabar Island. The perfect place to train a Charmander – the only problem was? How to get there? No ferries went from Pallet to Cinnabar – atleast not for another few days, and that was a supply ship, not an actual ferry – the only other travel from Pallet town was by plane, and there was no way he was wasting the little money he had as a beginning trainer on a plane ticket.
That left riding a water type.]
Surf is unuseable outside of battle until you get one of the last badges, unless you want to discard that bit of obvious gameplay abstraction.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12481757/1/pokemon-journey-johto-returning
Try harder.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12481854/1/Journey-Through-the-Regions
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
[Location: Farren Household, Lumiose City, Kalos
Time: 8:00 AM]
This isn’t a movie; you can just provide this information in prose. Doing it this way is jarring, and it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration. Same logic applies for flashbacks.
Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
“[Professor Oak facepalmed]
This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.”
Maybe my friends and I are just weird, but I’ve seen people do that in real life. I can’t really think of any alternative phrases that get the idea across better than facepalming. Do you have any suggestions?
Having also seen facepalming in real life, I personally would suggest just discribing the action itself: “Professor Oak smacked his palm against his forehead” or something along those lines, modified to show the force of the action or whether it’s more hand-goes-to-face or face-falls-into-raised-hand.
ASOIAF is just the series to be referenced by people to try to prove they are well read. They probably haven’t read anything that is too obscure not to be recognized by the general population.
So it’s kind of like the modern equivalent of listing off a fancy college’s english course reading list to prove that you’re well read, because a high schooler who reads isn’t interested in anything less literary than a Russian from the first half of the 20th century, except for perhaps JD Sallinger?
I think HoodedAuthor got the point across better than me. ASOIAF is the thing you read after Harry Potter and Eragon to start impressing people with.
After having read two of the books, and currently about halfway through a third, I don’t really see what the deal with these books is. They’re technically well written, sure, but I’m just not extremely interested in really any of the characters (especially in the TV adaptation, where my reaction to beloved characters dying was laughter at how stupid and overblown they were, and the only death I actually did care about on a narrative level was because “welp, guess they’re cutting Dorne out of the story entirely”, which sucks) and I’m quickly growing tired of the hyper-grimdark setting (the further I get into these books, the more I want to yell at the author that a complete lack of happiness is as unrealistic as And They All Lived Happily Ever After) that isn’t as fleshed out and well-researched as people like to claim.
Martin obviously knows a lot about historical events in medieval England, but seems to know far less about the actual culture of the period. The fuedalism is extremely bare bones (for a guy who got interested in the medieval period through heraldry, by looking at the flags ships sailing past Bayonne flew, he sure doesn’t seem to care at all about following any heraldric rules) and a lot of the terminology is straight out of Dungeons and Dragons (studded leather, seriously?), which just confuses me. There are loads and loads of names, but the amount of actual characters is far smaller. Most people in the setting exist to fill a spot on a family tree (except for the Targaryens, who are surprisingly fleshed out in their entirety).
Is it really just the fact that its a low magic setting with an emphasis on medieval politics and no cliche fantasy races? It kind of reminds me, reading about how some people (including, I believe, Farla) feel about why the Dresden Files is popular: that, irrespective of their quality, they have a very unique the premise and that’s all you need for a successful sci-fi or fantasy book. The only difference being is that ASoIF is actually well written and plotted.
A Feast For Crows is proving a particular slog for me. I only really seem to be interested in reading through the chapters focused on Dornish PoVs and Sansa (though only because she’s the PoV telling the events of Littlefinger at the Vale and not because I’m interested in her character). Nothing has made me close these books faster than finishing a chapter and seeing “Samwell” or “Brienne” at the top of the next page. The only character who provokes any emotional response from me anymore is Cersei (who definitely has the best written chapters in AFfC and possesses by far the strongest narrative voice out of any PoV so far), because she’s just so insanely annoying.
All of this is such a shame, since I blew through the first book so easily, even though hardly anything actually happens in it (when you look at it as part of a series, it might as well be considered one giant prologue). I know it’s a common refrain from the people who read the books before the show came out, but the books really are better, and I only got the first book while current with the show last October. But it seems like the more and more the books move away from the management of feudalism, the less interested I become. Littlefinger’s difficulties as regent of the Vale is by far the most interesting plot to me in AFfC but I could not care less about the Others (I barely even noticed that Jon’s PoV is totally absent).
And now, having sufficiently bitched about A Popular Thing because it’s cool to hate Popular Things, I’m going back to trying to put the crown of Italy on Matilda of Tuscany in Crusader Kings 2. But of-fucking-course the Count of Corsica is being a bigger pain in the ass than the Duke of Tuscany usually is for the King of Italy (seriously, I have seen a single Tuscan duke end up revolting against the king six or seven times before dying at the age of like fucking ninety despite being a blind and castrated old man with the lover’s pox). Luckily for me, it’s a good chance he’s going to die in his sleep soon, thanks to a bribed second son with a pillow.
the hyper-grimdark setting
That’s just it. They’re not hyper-grimdark. The show is, because the show is a steaming pile of garbage, but the books only appear to be hopeless at first. If you’re only on AFfC you have yet to see this in full effect, but things really do turn around and we start to see all the scheming and betrayal come back to bite the bad people. Bad things happen to good people, but bad things happen to bad people too. It’s more an ultra-violent setting than an ultra-gritty one, which, considering it takes place during a war, is reasonable.
I’m no historian so I can’t speak to the historical accuracy, but it’s still indisputably a lot more realistic than most medieval fantasy. And I find that to be really important in this current political climate where we like to fetishize the good old days when the upper class was even more powerful and accountable to no one and nothing. That’s a fantasy that benefits only the upper class, and I really appreciate a story that says no, aristocracies are actually awful. ASoIaF emphasizes the importance of all the technological and social innovations since the Middle Ages by showing how quickly things fall apart without them.
Quite honestly… if you hate Brienne and Samwell’s storylines (which were my favorites in AFfC), the story just might not be your thing. It is an extremely slow series, and AFfC in particular spends quite a while wallowing in misery. Its strength isn’t in the mainline plot so much as how it showcases the failures of a broken system and the ways everyone is affected by it.
I’m no historian so I can’t speak to the historical accuracy
The event that sparked the whole plot, the death of Ned Stark, would’ve never happened in a historical setting. The reason regencies existed is so that power-mad twelve year old kings don’t kill the beloved and just lord who rules over the half of their kingdom that’s hardest to wage war against. It gets worse from there. And the less said about Essos the better… There’s more historical accuracy in that movie about Genghis Khan starring John Wayne than the Dothraki.
I actually had an idea for a fanfiction where Dany is married off to Khal Drogo having heard all the stories of the canon Dothraki… only to find out that they’re far more like historical Mongols than the stories ever implied. Why, they even wear shirts, and herd sheep!
ASoIaF emphasizes the importance of all the technological and social innovations since the Middle Ages by showing how quickly things fall apart without them.
It also contains the pro-aristocracy rhetoric you’re speaking against. ASoIF is anti-war, not anti-aristocracy. The reign of Aegon I, who became king through fire and blood, and that of his grandson Jaehaerhys I, once he cleaned up Maegor’s mess, were actually a pretty ridiculously great times for Westeros. It might not seem like it, because everyone the series focuses on is terrible and no one in the present day is allowed to be both politically adept and morally upright, but when there is a good and just lord, the people do benefit.
Twyin Lannister is a harsh man, but he’s a great ruler (far better than his father, who was a typical “ruler who didn’t want the throne” archetype), and the Westerlands are actually worse off for his passing. King Robert was a beloved war hero who overthrew a tyrant, and became king with the love of the people, but proved to be one of the worst kings in Westerosi history.
Hell, even Roose Bolton manages to run a peaceful and prosperous realm, and he’s a monster. It doesn’t actually go so far as to say that lords are the problem. The problem is bad lords. Slavery in Brazil, which was far more atrocious than the slavery of America ever was, was ended solely due to the personal opinion of Emperor Pedro II, one of the few people to openly oppose slavery in late ninteenth century Brazil. In fact, he managed to end the Atlantic slave trade in Brazil by threatening to abdicate. But, in the end, he was removed from office by a military coup d’etat trying to establish a republic that brought about an end to the golden age of Brazil. The Mongol Empire made Asia so peaceful that the Silk Road rose and fell with it.
The average fuedal domain was actually a pretty peaceful place most of the time. Feudalism was a dencentralized response to small scale local threats in a time before fast movement of people or communication. Republican governmental systems of the same time period, such as the crowned republics of Italy, weren’t any better than feudalism, really. And neither were suited to dealing with the large scale threats that face your typical epic fantasy setting. Remember, those technological and social innovations have actually made wars far longer and deadlier as well.
Brienne’s actually a similar situation. Martin wrote her as a rejection of all your typical Woman Warrior cliches… but he’s also got characters like Dacey Mormont and Visenya Targaryen. Catelyn even points out the contrast between Brienne and Dacey right before the Red Wedding, and marvels at how Dacey is able to be both a woman and a warrior, unlike Brienne. I would’ve loved to see the two of them interact. Dacey, and all the women of Bear Island really, are a counterpoint to basically the entire worldview of Brienne. That said, it’s totally unrelated to why I dislike Brienne (though I still feel it undermines her somewhat). I just find her extremely tiresome to read. She’s just so bullheaded but never gets anywhere with anything she tries to do.
Brienne and Samwell’s storylines
But absolutely nothing happens. Sam spends three chapters puking on a boat and Brienne spends like five fucking chapters on the road chasing down a dead end where absolutely nothing happens. Then she finally fails, goes back, and has another two or three chapters of nothing happening. I get it; she’s looking for a maid of three and ten years with auburn hair, and is ridiculously ugly and bull-headed. There’s no need to hammer it in any more. Either move things along or skip to when something happens. It doesn’t even have to be interesting. It just has to be something.
If you think that stepping back from the political intrigue to show us all the ways in which the war and general system has affected people on the ground is “nothing happening”, then I really think this story is just not for you, dude. We know Brienne is obviously not going to find Sansa. That’s not the point. The point is everything she sees and learns along the way. It’s about the journey, not the destination. And that’s true for the series as a whole, really. I acknowledge that the plot isn’t its strong point, but I’m reading for the world and atmosphere.
I guess I just didn’t need five whole chapters of “everything is burned down”.
But maybe that explains it. I can’t really read it for the world. When you read all those descriptions of heraldry in a row during the Tournament of the Hand in the first book, you probably think its wonderfully evocative and atmospheric. While it is well written, I’ll give you that, I just have a chuckle at how terrible 90% of the described sigils would be as battlefield identifiers. I mean, seriously, the Starks use a grey direwolf on a white field. In the North. Where it’s constantly snowing. Forget how hard it’ll be to see when its covered in mud and filth, you’re not going to be able to tell where your army is if it’s a little bit foggy! Heraldric rules existed for a reason. The sort of nonsense we think of as heraldry today, with hundreds and hundreds of divisions, didn’t come about until centuries after the War of the Roses.
Maybe that’s how come Robb always got the drop on Tywin. It’s so much easier to see a gold lion rampant on a field of red than it is a silver direwolf courant on a field of white, so Robb probably had more trouble finding his own army than Tywin’s.
(Personally, my favourite blazon is the royal line of Baratheon. A gold lion on a field of red combatant with a black stag on gold? Yes please.)
Actually, saying “the royal line of Baratheon” reminds me. Working through family trees and lines of successions for a possible ASoIF RPG I was considering running, I realized just how small the actual important group of nobles (and how even smaller the list of important names) were. After the deaths of Robert, the bills of attainder put on Stannis and Renly (and, later, Renly’s death), and then finally Tywin’s death, I am almost certain that Joffery (and, after his death, Tommen) is the rightful Lord Paramount of the Stormlands and, as Cersei’s heir, heir to the lordship of Casterly Rock and associated titles.
I really don’t think this intended, and it seems like GRRM is trying his hardest to avoid mentioning the fact that the Stormlands is without a Lord Paramount after Renly’s death. He seems loathe to allow titles to group up like they did historically in general. It actually seems like this is a huge problem in the Game of Thrones mod for CK2- the Iron Throne is ridiculously powerful (I’ve seen someone revoke the Westerlands and North from the Lannister and Stark lords, and swap them, just for shits and giggles, with no repercussions) and can almost effortlessly consolidate the seven kingdoms. And that’s not even getting into House Baelish of Harrenhal, the branch family of House Baelish of the Fingers…
I know it sounds like my problem is just that GRRM isn’t nitpicking over heraldry enough for my tastes, but there really is a lot more to it than that. The whole feudal system is way too simple for a story about feudal politics. There are hardly even any vassals who are themselves lords to lesser lords. You do see some landed knights (who feel more like barons), but most lords feel like they’d be dukes (Bolton, Redwyne, Royce, Frey, Mallister, Redfort), most holdfasts seem long abandoned for travellers to spend the night in instead of the seats of local lords tasked with protecting small tracts of land, and the King on the Iron Throne is more of a High King or a King of Kings or something along those lines.
heraldry
Lol, I love ASoIaF, but even I have to admit the heraldry is sometime terrible. The worst has to be Stannis’ flag. I think it goes something like black on red on orange on yellow. No one is going to be able to read that from a distance.
It’s worth it just to hear Gethin Anthony ask “Why’s your stag on fire?”
ASOIAF gained a lot of cachet for being a fantasy series with an emphasis on politics and some tantalizing glimpses of more fantasy-y stuff (dragons, magic steel, ice zombies, giants, elves, etc.) but also being unafraid to wallow in some of the more prurient content that a lot of fantasy elides or softens. Also, killing off one of your POV characters is Just Not Done.
That said the books are quite a bit less well edited certainly from AFFC on; someone posted photos of the ADWD manuscript on reddit from a university archive (which was quickly hidden) and it was just GRRM reversing all of his editor’s changes. AGOT is amazingly tight and snappy in comparison. Also, while there are some early shocking deaths, once you figure out who the actual main characters are, it’s unlikely we’re going to see them bumped off before the endgame.
I will say that the series is pretty interesting to follow, and it’s a very interesting exercise in understanding character in terms of what’s told to you versus what’s actually shown. It’s interesting on a meta level as well, in terms of all the people (sometimes including the showrunners) who only understand characters based on their self-reported ideals rather than their actual actions. Heh.
Yeah, I remember that it made news when Jon’s fate after what happened in 510 (the thing that caused me to laugh because I have basically zero attachment to any of these characters anymore) was revealed in episode 602. As if it was a shock to anyone who’d actually been paying attention to the show for the last five years. Shit, the only thing that actually surprised me was that they had the restraint to wait until the second episode of the season.
Anyone Can Die needs to be used sparingly or the reader is going to become innoculated to it pretty quickly (once they realize who’s too important to be affected). Usagi Yojimbo does this amazingly. Pretty much the only charaters who can’t die are Usagi and his vaguely immortal slasher-villain-like nemesis (despite Usagi having killed him several times so far). But named characters aren’t constantly dying left and right and it’s always both a surprise and an emotional blow when they do no matter how meaningful or meaningless a death it was. By trying to show how easily people die in war time, Martin kind of made death too cheap to be meaningful. Hell, the first party member death in Akame ga Kill had more of an emotional effect on me than pretty much any death in the books or show, and Akame ga Kill is… yeah.
I remember the showrunners saying that, before he’d agree to the show, he asked the creators who they thought Jon’s mom was. Having read AGoT two or three years after starting the show, and all the flashbacks of Ned’s that they removed until S6, the answer is so obviously Lyanna that I actually have some doubt that it might not actually be her.
And while this seems like Martin wanted the showrunners to have some insight into the characters before the show started, one look at Littlefinger or Stannis shows that oh my god no way have these people actually read the books.
And then there’s the complete reversal of Ellaria’s character and the character massacre of the Sand Snakes. They took the most dangerous of the group and turned her into a spunky flailing knife girl joke character. Why.
It’s like they thought the fight scenes weren’t atrocious enough so they needed to add a Whip Fighter and a girl who used poisoned daggers in a reverse-grip. At least Jamie’s lost his right hand so his actor has an excuse for being a terrible swordsman now. But then they have those setpiece battle scenes…. Urgh, Jon should be dead as hell. The last place you want to be on foot in a battle is the point where two lines of heavy cavalry slam into each other. And those huge Civil War-inspired piles of bodies…
The cavalry charge I can forgive because Rule of Cool, but yeah, wheeeee-eeew. Although the series does get points for the curiosity of creating an actual Sue Villain, a character who warps the universe of the show to win and makes things all about them in ways that defy explanation.
the answer is so obviously Lyanna that I actually have some doubt that it might not actually be her.
I’ve been following some amazingly epic tinfoil on reddit that basically reframes the series as this masterminded web of epic deception, and unfortunately I think it gives GRRM way too much credit, but it makes me wonder what a series that actually sets out to do all the stuff that Tootles claims George is doing would be like. I think he’s hit upon a few actual important points, though. Anyway I think his idea is that Jon really is Ned’s kid by another minor character, and Lyanna and Rhaegar’s child is Dany.
This is just a theory, but I also think that the problem might not be entirely “havent read any books” and more “havent read enough books”. As in, if youve only picked up a couple books, mostly in the same series, youll have no idea whats standard and actual hard rules, and whats just that author or genre’s particular style.
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This one has another critical review saying all the things I wish I could say.
Why can’t you say them?
[Every quote from the fic “Affection”.]
Jeez, is this entire chapter nothing but a long rant about how type matchups are the definitive way of knowing who will win before you ever even throw out a pokemon?
This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.
How would you suggest writing that kind of action in prose? It can be a kind of tricky one to get across perfectly sometimes, and if the author chose to write “facepalmed” instead of that description, it’s likely they don’t actually know how to describe it any other way in the first place.
I really expected better of someone that actually reads books.
Considering the quality of the books your older sister has dedicated her life to subjecting herself to, I would’ve really expected you to know better than this. Besides, I’d put even money on the fact that by “ASoIF”, they actually meant “the TV series based on ASoIF”.
So it’s going to be exactly like every other edgy dark fic ever is what you’re telling me.
Hey now, it’s not going to be exactly like every other edgy dark fic ever. This one is going to have a mother that’s important to the plot. She might even get her own name!
It is really creepy that this is his first thought upon seeing a stranger.
Well, it does outright admit that he doesn’t have a good personality… That’s actually precisely the kind of behaviour I’d expect from someone who says “if I had a good personality” about themselves.
Why can’t you say them?
Because I don’t want to piss off the author into not using my submission.
Considering the quality of the books your older sister has dedicated her life to subjecting herself to, I would’ve really expected you to know better than this.
I mean grammar-wise. I can grudgingly understand why someone whose only understanding of storytelling comes from video games and anime can’t write dialogue, but someone who reads books? Someone who reads books with as high a wordcount as A Song of Ice and Fire? That’s just sad.
Besides, I’d put even money on the fact that by “ASoIF”, they actually meant “the TV series based on ASoIF”.
I really doubt that. Game of Thrones fans call it Game of Thrones. I think most of them don’t even realize the books have a different name.