Today we’ve got a fic about N that just ends up being generic grimdark, a grimdark fic where humans are enslaved by very human-like pokemon, and a terrible pokephilia thing with a hardboiled noir teenager.

Also, by popular demand, I have now created a copypasta on why OT fics are bad and the author should feel bad. You’re welcome!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12502783/2/PokeHigh

When you change to a new speaker, you have to make a new paragraph. Dialogue is impossible to follow otherwise.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12502783/3/PokeHigh

[sweatdropped]

This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.

[F*ck!]

If you don’t want to write out swears, don’t use them. This just looks silly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12502783/4/PokeHigh

You are making absolutely no attempt to follow the personality I gave for Chara. If all you want from these submissions are pokemon teams, use a random generator.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12507139/1/Pokemon-Emerald-Winds-of-Fate-Moemon-Nuzlocke

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Keep in mind that what makes for a good game doesn’t necessarily make for a good story. The Nuzlocke rules do not make sense for a serious setting, and don’t inherently make for an interesting story besides. The standard journey story is already incredibly boring; what is really added by turning trainers into callous monsters willing to butcher innocents for petty goals?

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Kane is ready to burn away the competition!

Gender: Male

Species: Torchic

Met: Gift from Prof. Birch

Level: 5

Blaze: Powers up Fire type in a pinch

Stats: HP 20/20, Attack 12, Defense 9, Sp. Attack 14, Sp Defense 9, Speed 9

Rash Nature

Moves: Scratch, Growl]

This is awkward and unnecessary. You’re writing a story, not a game. These mechanical details are pointless.

So do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot, and that does not change by adding BUT DEATH. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12507082/1/Fantasy-Tale

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[“Drip… drop… drip…,” water droplets dripped from the ceiling]

This structure is a little odd; quotation marks are usually reserved for people speaking. Italics, or no notation at all, are what’s usually used for sound effects.

[A Jolteon was laying down beside her, ready to fry anyone who’s going to hurt the girl.]

Keep your tenses consistent.

[“We have to get out of here fast,” the girl said to the Jolteon quietly, “the faster, the better chance we’ll get out of here alive.”]

This looks like two sentences to me. You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but when two complete sentences of dialogue are broken up by narration, the narration ends in a period. So this should be [“We have to get out of here fast,” the girl said to the Jolteon quietly. “The faster, the better chance we’ll get out of here alive.”]

In general, this is really confusing and hard to follow. Are you not a native speaker? You should get a beta reader here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12506371/1/People-and-Pok%C3%A9mon-Alike

[People and Pokémon]

So pokemon aren’t people?

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Her mother had taken note of the fact that the Lapras pulling at their ship seemed to delight in leaving a dead human in the waters without so much as a glance back.]

That’s dumb. Slaves are extremely valuable. Historically, slave traders went to great lengths to -prevent- slaves from dying in transit.

[“Sir.” he spoke. “I insist that you call her May.”]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Spoke” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

So is the dad trying to get her killed here? You say that previously the pokemon threatened not him but his family when he did this. Is his pride really so important he’s going to keep endangering his family to get it?

[“All right, since you won’t listen to anything else, how about this? Caroline’s death would mean that money is taken out of your salary. How much is she worth to you? Five thousand Poké? Ten thousand? She might not even be worth fifty Poké to you. But that money adds up. Say each of us is worth one thousand Poké. Kill my wife, that leaves you with three thousand Poké rather than your potential four thousand. If you can’t understand even that reasoning, then I don’t know what else to tell you.”]

How in the world does he know this, but the pokemon handling them don’t? Regardless, it’s extraordinarily stupid of him to show his hand like this. If market viability is the only hold he has over them, there are many, many horrible things they can do to them without compromising that. Ripping out his tongue, for instance.

[“One million Poké.”]

[…]

[he was eventually declared sold for five hundred Poké.]

Wow, that’s some impressive haggling.

So is there an explanation for how this state of affairs came about, or at least why this world is so different from canon? Why can pokemon talk here? So far, there’s nothing that marks this as distinctly Pokemon fanfiction; you could replace all the pokemon with humans without disrupting anything.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12510034/1/Researcher-s-Destiny

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[Full Summary Inside. Aura-Psychic-Smart-Fem-Ash, Darker-Organizations (except the Rocket Trio), Slightly-Nicer-Paul (eventually). Pairings include Palletshipping (Gary x Ashlyn), Gymshipping (Brock x Misty), Contestshipping (Drew x May), Rocketshipping (James x Jessie).]

Look, I know FFN has very limited summary space and that’s frustrating, but what your story, specifically, is about is more important than a bunch of tags. Readers should not have to click on the story to see if it’s even something they’re interested in.

Also:

[Aura-Psychic-Smart-Fem-Ash]

If you’re changing that many things, they’re not Ash, they’re an OC. It is totally fine to write an OC, but writing an OC and insisting they’re Ash is just weird and confusing.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Ashlyn’s raven-black hair was shoulder-length and pulled into a low ponytail and her eyes were dark blue, like an ocean at night. She was wearing a blue knee-length simple dress, black leggings and dark blue Mara Janes with black soles and gold buckles.]

This is information overload. This information ultimately isn’t important, and your readers will almost certainly forget it. Description should be worked into the narration more organically, and ideally should tell us something about the character. For instance, why did she choose to wear this outfit? Is there a story there or did she just throw it on?

[Ashlyn suddenly asked her best friend shyly.]

This is overwrought. You shouldn’t try to make everything as ornate and detailed as possible; that prevents you from emphasizing the parts that are important. Most of the time, what’s said is more important than how someone says it. This is drawing a lot of attention to how she says it, even though that’s not important.

Relatedly, don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[Fighting-Types]

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer or type. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. Everything here is stuff we could assume if you started at a later point; this is essentially just rehashing the canon opening. What is your story actually -about-? You should get there within the first chapter. Keep in mind you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12509919/1/Update

Non-story entries are banned on this site. This belongs on your profile or in the relevant story. It’s inconsiderate to clutter up the archive with this stuff.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12511008/1/The-Betrayed-Trainer-Chapter-3

Posting chapters as separate stories is against the rules of this site. Use the chaptering feature.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12512084/1/The-Multiverse-League

[Mack sat outside her house in Asperita City underneath the fiery orange afternoon, spinning a fidget spinner between her fingers. “Ugh, should I do it?” she asked the toy. It responded with silent spinning that did nothing to calm her nerves. “You’re useless. No wonder everyone hates this thing.”]

Awkward topical reference is awkward.

[“Why’d I have to receive this stupid letter?! They really chose me to do this?” She continued.]

You’re using a speaking verb here, so “she” shouldn’t be capitalized. I also feel that “continued” is an odd verb choice here; that’s usually used when someone is talking to someone else.

[To eliminate any advantages a trainer might have in their own universe, his tournament]

Typo.

You have a lot of dropped commas in the rule listings, which makes them hard to understand.

[Arceus Above]

“Above” shouldn’t be capitalized here. And while I know we’ve already discussed this topic, there is now a forum thread with more information you may be interested in: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

The battle scene is well-done. It’s good to see detail put into the battle instead of just mechanically shouting out attack names.

But…

[During this tournament, you are to collect eight gym badges from the Alpha Region and partake in its league]

This does not fill me with confidence.

Aping the games’ format is not a good idea, and that goes double when you have the promise of some theoretically interesting gimmick dangling at the end. The standard badge quest is not a plot. Unless you have something else planned to fill in the gaps, you will in all likelihood peter out long before the end. Read this for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

[Should you lose in the league match after collecting all eight badges, you and your universe will be destroyed.]

And while I’m glad the main characters didn’t know this to begin with, they are still going to look irredeemably evil if they participate at all now. I’m assuming the way this is going to play out is that Mack is going to survive a hard-fought battle with the other contestants and eventually come out the victor, but that can’t feel like anything but a tragedy when we know that her survival came at the cost of an incomprehensibly massive death toll. A Hunger Games style thing where you’re only killing the other contestants is already morally dubious; here, anything less than immediate rebellion is morally abhorrent.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12512764/1/Moving-Accounts

Non-story entries are banned. Put this on your profile or in a forum thread.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12513417/1/POKEMON

Trolling is supposed to be entertaining. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12513207/1/Battlecraft-Academy

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[The bat Pokémon]

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing species, but “pokemon” shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

[You like in a circus]

I think you mean “live” here.

[You want to be a guy that makes other Pokémon battle each other for entertainment? You do realize that you’re shifting the humiliation you’re placing on yourself into pain for Zigs and the others?]

Oh hey, it’s nice to see someone finally point that out. You really should have the main character come up with a real rebuttal if you’re going to have him do it anyway, though.

[“Oh my Arceus….”]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

The battle scene was well done, and I’m pleased to see how you used clever tactics not seen in the games to create a dynamic and interesting conflict. It’s also nice to see things escalate to pokemon attacking humans.

However, note that if you’re going to provide an OC form, you should provide a blank one, as that’s much easier to fill out. I will submit an OC to this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12513808/1/Contest-High-SYOC-Open

[Casey Wild, is an aspiring to become a professional performer.]

Something went wrong with this sentence.

[Since our bodies only convert extra calories into fat, I try to eat the bare minimum of my required calories]

Why? He says it’s unhealthy to do so. From the rest of the story it seems like our cultural norm of fat = ugly hold true in this universe, but I see no reason why that would be, considering how varied pokemorphs can be. Attractiveness is based around ideal fitness, so a fat snorlax should be attractive.

That said, it’s nice to see a boy struggling with weight and appearance issues. That doesn’t get much representation in media.

[Sexual Orientation: (Optional, but the default will be Heterosexuality)]

…Why? If people don’t provide one, isn’t it better to assume they don’t want their character to be in a romantic relationship at all?

[Kingdom (This is very much optional): For more info on this just check out my bio.]

I don’t see anything there…

Do all OCs have to be contestants, or can we submit other roles?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12515343/1/Change

[But when true plans are uncovered, its time]

You want “it’s” here. “Its” is the possessive.

[fights to suppress the it]

???

[The place shook]

The story is in present tense up to this point. You should keep your tenses consistent.

[Though, if you looked hard enough however]

Using the general you in third-person sounds very awkward. I would recommend reformatting this. (You also don’t need both “though” and “however”.)

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[It had become obvious that one Pokemon was not enough to handle what the Typhon corporation was trying to achieve.]

Wait, what? She only has one pokemon? Why? Even normal police trainers in the games have multiple pokemon.

[she was nothhing]

Typo.

The battle scene here is written well. You created an effective, dynamic sequence instead of limiting yourself to a mechanical exchange of attacks.

However, the plot seems somewhat confusing here. You open with an interesting concept, yet it seems like that is going to be put on the backburner while we go on a standard trainer journey? I don’t see why Fallon would need to do this; shouldn’t she have already gone on a journey as a kid? To be honest, I’m much more interested in the intrigue about the corporation and whatever criminals they’re fighting.

I’d like to submit an OC to this, but I’m not sure what role the submissions are supposed to play. Are they the tagalong kids Fallon is going to partner with, Typhon employees, criminals, or something else? And can we submit multiple characters?

[(Please don’t make it overdramatic. They can have had a tough life, but nothing too extreme.]

This is too subjective to be useful. What constitutes “overdramatic” or “too extreme”? Exactly what tone are you going for with this story? There’s really no way to intuit that from the first chapter alone.

[Please don’t make the chosen Pokemon OP.]

Same goes for this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12515962/1/Golden-Oak-High

[If you simply submit an OC and leave, they’ll get killed early.]

So are you taking OCs because you want good characters, or are you just fishing for reviews? Your readers are doing you a favor by allowing your story to get off the ground in the first place; they don’t owe you anything more. If OC survival is based on a popularity contest rather than what actually makes sense in the story, that’s going to be transparently obvious and the story will suffer as a result.

Speaking of which, we could use more information here. What kind of school is this? What kind of people would want to or be able to go there? You say there are going to be multiple murderers among the submitted cast, so who is this person? If we don’t have enough to engage with, it’ll be difficult to create characters you can use. I will submit an OC to this, but it will be a bit… unusual, since I have so little to go off of.

Your example situation form is a good idea, though. A writing sample will give you a far better idea of how to write the character than a bio.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12516233/1/Road-To-Become-A-Champion-Champa-League

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[lets start off]

Forgot the apostrophe. Proofread.

[it’s massive skyscrapers]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[“Hey mom! I’m gonna head out for a bit!” Throughout the house.]

I think you dropped some words here. Also, when a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[I think getting a trained Pokemon then a wild one]

“Than”. “Then” is for time. You’re making lots of mistakes like these. I recommend getting a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

Why is a wild pokemon willing to give up their life and family to totally devote themselves to the first human they stumble across?

So do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12517090/1/Metamorphosis

N feels weirdly absent from this. He’s the viewpoint character, but everything is described very clinically and dispassionately when N should be having strong emotional reactions to all of this.

[the beast consumes his entire being]

This is also a weird thing for N to think. He should know that Kyurem is not in control of this; it’s Ghetsis who chose to fuse with it, not the other way around. It’s very strange that N doesn’t try to talk to Reshiram or Kyurem throughout this.

[He sees his own Pokémon, Reshiram, Zoroark, Archeops, desperately trying to break through the ice, to no avail.]

Why can’t they? Kyurem shouldn’t actually be any stronger than it was before, since Ghetsis has no magical powers. If Reshiram could stop its attack before, it should still be able to.

[“Father!” N shrieks, “No…! Give her back! Let Reshiram go!”]

When two complete sentences of dialogue are separated by narration, the narration ends in a period, since it ends a sentence. So this should be [“Father!” N shrieks. “No…! Give her back! Let Reshiram go!”]

This feels kind of… empty? Like it’s just horrible stuff happening without any real examination of what this means for the characters. Maybe that’s what you were going for, but this still doesn’t feel very substantial.

Blocked!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12517909/1/Here-with-you

[A crossover of Pokémon and my favorite video game]

Then it should be listed as a crossover.

Also, this belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12114321/5/Fresh-Start-New-Beginnings

[Originally, I thought it’d be interesting to see the progress of 10 different trainers through one region and ultimately have them battle it out in the Indigo League. However, as I wrote more and more into it, I realized the story may become repetitive. I mean, they are going to travel through the same towns, battle the same Gym Leaders, and encounter the same Pokémon. There would be no excitement.]

You are absolutely correct. This is the fate of 99% of original trainer fic. What you’re discovering is that the standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction net /topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12521223/1/pokegal-gun

[THIS STORY IS A CROSSOVER OF POKEMON AND GALGUN]

Then it should be in the crossovers section. Relatedly, this belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction net /topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12520684/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-7-Rise-of-the-Ultra-Beasts

[Seven years ago, Lillie, an ally of Luke’s, was kidnapped and taken away from her home region of Alola.]

I’m pretty sure Lillie is not native to Alola.

Read this: fanfiction net /topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Seven Years Ago]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“She doesn’t care about us!” He said angrily. “It’s that stupid project she cares about.”

I couldn’t believe he was saying this about our own mother.]

…Why? Lusamine was always abusive. She explicitly calls Gladion out on abandoning her in canon.

[unfastenjng]

Typo.

Well, that ended abruptly.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. The story is still in medias res; nothing is explained and we have no indication of what the story will look like going forward. That is not good. See here for more information: fanfiction net /topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

In general, this is very awkward and hard to follow. I recommend getting a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction net /topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12521203/1/It-s-Scary-What-a-Smile-Can-Hide

[A 13-year-old professional pickpocketer and shoplifter finds an abandoned Riolu in the woods. And… being a 13-year-old… THOSE thoughts come to mind.]

I’m not sure why I need to tell you this, but most 13-year-olds do not actually want to bang anything that moves.

[But THAT can’t happen, right? They’re the same gender… right?]

9_9 Honestly this cliché is just tiring at this point. This isn’t 1970. Kids know gay people exist.

[the bland, distastefulness of my ceiling’s beige hue]

That comma shouldn’t be there and this is extremely awkward besides. People don’t usually think of hues as the subject of a sentence.

[How it invoked so many, useless, emotions. Not to say that emotions aren’t useful, but the fact that they surface in the presence of my ceiling. Oh, how I wish for a ceiling fan to appear there one day. The gentle, monotonous, constant clicking of the fan keeping me tethered to the state of wakefulness. But, alas, I had to use sheer willpower to keep myself conscious, lest I be late for breakfast.]

This is purple prose. More description is not always a good thing.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. Also, no one will ever care what your character is eating for breakfast.

[And I was tall, very tall for my age: 5′ 6”]

You don’t need to give height to the exact inch. Few people have a good mental picture for it, and more to the point, no one’s going to remember it.

[What? You expected this story to happen with a grown man?]

So is he actually telling this story to another character and will that detail be relevant? Because if not, this is pointless, and grating, filler. Get to the point.

[I broke out of my train of thought when I heard a shriek. It was too high-pitched to be a man, but it wasn’t exactly feminine, either.]

That’s his first thought, really? A thief should have more pressing concerns about someone screaming in his vicinity.

[I darted into the woods, searching for the sulking source of the yells.]

Why? Investigating mysterious screams is a good way to get yourself killed when you’re a scrawny kid. If he’s such a hardened criminal, he should know to run in the opposite direction.

[A den lie empty]

You want “lay”.

Read this: fanfiction net /topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[But… a Riolu? One of the strongest Pokémon out there…]

Riolu are not actually that strong, just rare.

[“Hey, bud, do… do you need help?” I said, true concern for this abandoned child painting my face.]

The fact that he’s narrating this and feels the need to specify his concern was “true” just makes it look like he’s trying way too hard.

[Its… its alright]

You want “it’s”. “Its” is the possessive.

[It was sad, that situation was. I wasn’t a trainer. I could never be a trainer. I didn’t even have the money to become a trainer. I had to take it to a center. As much as I wanted to keep it… I couldn’t.]

Non-trainers keep pokemon all the time in the games. I highly doubt police are going to beat down his door if he takes in a stray.

[“But… oh… God…”

“Don’t you mean Arceus?”

“No, I don’t. I mean GOD. The big man upstairs? Had a son that died for our sins? He invented trees for God’s sake!”]

That’s an interesting take on the religion issue, but by drawing attention to the problem, you’ve just made it stand out more. If Christanity exists in this setting and is as common as this seems to imply, why would anyone be confused by this? Why is anyone worshipping Arceus to begin with? I’d recommend looking at this: fanfiction net /topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[“We’re going to study transsexual metamorphose!” The students lifted their heads, their attention drawn. Their eyes flew to the board, which currently had definitions to write down. They, albeit quickly, wrote down the definitions. “Transsexual metamorphose is a process in which a Pokémon changes gender to better suit its environment! For example, Tyler!”

“Sir?”

“Give me a Pokémon with a 1/8 gender ratio.”

“U-uhh… Eevee?”

“Right you are! But, Eevee don’t metamorphose. Give me another! Earl!’

“Sir?”

“Give me a Pokémon with a gender ratio of 1/8 that isn’t Eevee!”

“Riolu and Lucario.”

“Correct, you are Earl! And, this species does metamorphose! They do this because…” He picked up a marker and wrote on the board. “This species of Pokémon is rare! The reason Eevee don’t metamorphose is because there are tons of them. Tons! I just saw four on my walk to work, this morning. They don’t need to because… well… there’s plenty to go around! Now then… Riolu and Lucario are rare and scarce. There are few and far between. So, they need every chance they can get to mate! So if two of the same gender meet… one of them changes into the opposite gender! Though, this behavior has been seen in cross-species relationships. I, actually, have a male Lucario and a female Blaziken. My Lucario, had went through transsexual metamorphose. Isn’t it wonderful?”]

What. Why are you doing this instead of just making the riolu female.

Your protagonist sounds nothing like a 13-year-old, and you give no explanation for why the center can’t take the riolu, making the whole setup for this plot really confusing. Going by context clues I also presume this is going to end in them screwing, and screwing a stray kid you rescued and raised is all sorts of morally dubious.

You might want to get a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12523606/1/Cynthia-Love-2

Posting chapters as separate stories is banned on this site. Use the chaptering feature.

This is completely incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction net /topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

 

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12523217/1/A-New-Beginning

[Today is his 15th birthday, and his first chance to become a trainer.]

Nope. You can become a trainer at any time, and it’s generally not a good idea to raise the age of starting trainers. Read this for more information: fanfiction net /topic/11834/142926917/1/TRAINERS-START-AT-TEN

Read this: fanfiction net /topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or professional. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[The National Pokemon Association changed the age of registration from eleven, to fifteen. Apparently research showed that kids were burning out at younger, and younger ages, and they blamed starting kids out on their own so early in life.]

There are preschoolers with pokemon. Anyway, why would they care? If they opened this to kids in the first place, it’s clearly not a big deal to begin with and a few kids failing to complete the whole circuit and moving on to more productive things isn’t a dire problem. It doesn’t even matter for this story, since the story starts when he’s 15 anyway. Why couldn’t you have started him at 11?

For that matter, why does Billy care so much? Is there something specific he wants to accomplish with this? Will this get him more money and resources? A street urchin should have more pragmatic concerns than your typical kid. What is he going to do if he loses and can’t pay up, for instance?

(I would highly recommend reading an OT fic called “Making It Big”.)

[Would I burn out quickly, having been on my own since I was 5? A bright shining star, burnt out and useless by twenty years old.]

You are aware you can have more than one career in a lifetime, right?

[I was quickly caught up in a daydream, imaging all the money I’d win from trainers, till I was no longer living on the street.]

“All the money he’d win” is pocket change until he’s a significant way into the circuit, and he can get majorly set back by a single loss. Doesn’t seem like he’s being very realistic about this.

[You have to have knocked 5 years off my life!]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[“You’re silly, Billy.” she says]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[eachother]

You want “each other”, two words.

[We met in the woods outside of Saffron, one day, as I was fishing for small carp for dinner. She was half starved, her clothes torn and dirty. She was 9 years old, a little under a year younger than me.

I couldn’t help but share the fish I had caught with her, and we’d been best friends ever since.]

Wow, he’s easy to scam. How’d he survive this long?

[I internally sigh.]

This sounds ridiculous.

[I nod as I hand over the 600 credits I’d saved. Every credit I had was going towards this, of course.]

So he’s really making sure that if he loses, he starves. You don’t seem to be realizing that this is gambling, not a stable income.

[Collecting, as I like to call it, is really just pickpocketing. I was taught how to do it when I was eleven years old]

By whom?

[by the same older kid that taught me how to pickpocket]

Ah, okay. So why haven’t we heard of this kid before? What did he ask in exchange? Or is he another absurdly generous starving street urchin who’s willing to give people extremely valuable things for nothing?

[Rick’s ‘Shop’ was a specialty store, that dealt in things that tended to come from people that didn’t actually own them. The items he sold were cheap, but legit.]

If they’re stolen goods, they’re not legit.

For tooting your horn about how realistic this is, this sure seems to be an extremely sanitized and idealized version of street gang life. All the emphasis is on petty theft; you’ve given only one description of a vicious beatdown, and it’s mentioned vaguely in passing. These characters are, quite frankly, acting like a middle-class kid’s idea of what street urchins are like rather than anything “realistic”.

So, do you have a plot for this? The standard badge/trainer quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. The most interesting thing is the gastly starter, but that’s not enough to carry a story on its own. Read this for more information: fanfiction net /topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1