“[Hilda] was […] always kind to strangers and making sure her Pokemon wanted to travel with her and battle on her behalf.” An N shipping fic that actually brings up the pokemon treatment issue, but obviously doesn’t go far enough. We also got another one of those totally realistic technobabble fics, and a hilariously over-the-top sue.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12543745/1/Mega-Trainer
[[pokespeak]
“speech”
*Thought*]
I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong. Also, italics is standard for thoughts. Asterisks look weird.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[I soon recognized my assailant as an Absol]
You’re generally good about not capitalizing pokemon, but this shouldn’t be capitalized either.
Switching POVs in the same chapter is really disorienting. If you must, you should use some sort of scene break symbol to show that something’s changed.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12544078/1/The-Good-the-Bad-and-the-Poffins
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[said Minun]
That makes as much sense as you being named “Human”. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s ridiculous and confusing. Your characters deserve actual names.
[“Ok.” said Minun]
You’re generally formatting dialogue correctly, but you made a mistake here.
Also, it’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12544105/1/Darkrai-D%C3%A9couverte-de-l-amour
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
Non-story chapters are banned on this site. You need actual content here, not just a repeat of the summary.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12544107/1/Pokemon-White-the-Black-to-the-White
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[Also one more thing, I would like an opinion, do you think I should stick to 4 Moves per pokemon, or the Pokemon can use all the moves that it can use, but it would have something like a MP bar, meaning they would use Stamina for moves, and to would need to wait for more Stamina to charge up before using certain moves again. I would like your Opinion on this.]
This isn’t a video game, so neither of those systems are necessary. Do whatever works best for the story.
This is incoherent. You need to read up on comma usage, and I strongly recommend you get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12544278/1/Ashley-s-Journey
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or journey. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
If you use horizontal lines to separate your author’s notes, you should use a different symbol for scene breaks; otherwise, your notes look like part of the story.
[Ashley was small for her age, at 13 she stood at just 4’11”. She was found as a baby, by a Ninetails. Said Pokémon was the evolved form of the Vulpix given to a certain, Auburn-haired woman, when she started out on her Pokémon journey. Seemingly abandoned by her parents, the tiny child was surprisingly full of life, blissfully unaware of her current life-threatening situation. As a woman who was unable to carry a child of her own, Delia Ketchum was at first appalled that someone would just leave a small baby in the middle of Viridian Forest, left for dead. Then came the realisation that this may just be the answer to all her prayers. A child she could call her own. She did a fine job raising the little one into the strong-willed teenager she now is but it quickly became apparent that she was… different, to other kids.]
So she’s a massive sue, then.
When piling on character traits, you should ask yourself what this adds to the story. Is this going to be an extremely high-stakes plot where her supergenius is necessary to give her a fighting chance? Or is this going to be a normal plot? If the latter, she will be overqualified for every challenge and there will be no tension. That just doesn’t make for an interesting story.
[9 years ago]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.
[You see]
The general you is awkward in third-person. You should rephrase this.
[Okay mommy]
When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[The replied.]
Dropped a word.
I’m really not sure why you’re calling your OC Ashley when she has nothing to do with Ash. It’s fine to acknowledge you don’t want to write about Ash and call your OC by a different name.
So, do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you don’t have anything else, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12544353/1/Fa%C3%A7ade
Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
I have no idea what’s going on here. Is this a side-story to something else? If it doesn’t stand on its own, you shouldn’t be publishing it as a separate story. Tell people where to find the main story, at the very least.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12544482/1/Master-Quest
[What would it be like to live with Pokemon? To train, care for, and catch? Welcome to the story of Jason, a young man who, with his friends, explore the amazing world of Pokemon.]
…And?
This summary could apply to quite literally tens of thousands of stories on this site, 99% of which burnt out because they had no plot. What makes yours different? If you have an interesting plot or idea, you should advertise that up front.
[Satoshi, born in Japan but raised in America, was a big fan of the Pokemon show, movies, and games. As a child, he always imagined what it would be like to actually have a real life Pokemon. After high school, Satoshi attended six years of college in Michigan studying anatomy, biology, and the genomes of different animals. After graduating, he moved to Dallas, Texas and worked at a lab, researching stem cell manipulation.]
Do we need to know this? You should be cautious about opening the story with a dry infodump; that really turns readers off. People need to be invested before they can care about minute details. The information you provide should be relevant to the story.
[There were 3 experiments]
In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.
[He was angered by everyone’s lack of loyalty to the other scientists, however, didn’t care anymore about the project, and they fired Satoshi]
You seem to have lost track of this sentence somewhere.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[Satoshi awoke to a loud *CRASH*]
Formatting sound effects this way looks awkward in prose. Italics, or simply describing the sound, is standard.
[Charmander stood at 2ft, like in the show and games.]
He got it perfect on his first try? That is absolutely preposterous even ignoring the fact that these are fantasy creatures whose imagined specs may not even be physically possible. You clearly are not very familiar with scientific research.
[…Three months later…]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.
[Satoshi began work on creating Bulbasaur and Squirtle, the other starter Pokemon. Remembering the failed experiments, he made sure to use both human and animal stem cells.]
Why isn’t he using plants for bulbasaur?
[The way Satoshi planned it was that the Pokemon that evolved in the games/show would all have programmed develop cells (PDCs). This meant that, as the Pokemon matured and grew more powerful, it could choose whether or not to evolve into its next stage. Unfortunately, Satoshi couldn’t find a way to incorporate stone evolving, so he just used PDCs for each evolution-possible Pokemon.
For moves, Satoshi programmed each Pokemon to be able to “adapt”, or learn certain moves as it grew. Like in the games, however, a Pokemon’s moves would be more powerful in an evolved form, but it wouldn’t learn new moves as fast. Also, training in general makes moves more powerful.
Another important part of the Pokemon games/show is catching Pokemon. So, Satoshi made Pokeballs that, when thrown at a Pokemon or at the ground, will either capture or send out Pokemon. The way the Pokeballs work is that the ball generates a magnetic frequency that can reduce a Pokemon’s body into a molecular form, allowing for capturing and storing Pokemon. Of course, if a Pokemon is strong enough, it can try and escape capture.]
I really could not care less about any of this.
Seriously, conservation of detail. Stick to what’s relevant. All this accomplishes is distracting me with all the scientific inaccuracies. What is the important result here? That he makes pokemon that work exactly like in the games. You can just say that happened without explaining exactly how. This is a fantasy story. We’re here for the adventure, not technobabble.
And thus we run into a major problem: you’ve stopped before the story has even started. Backstory alone is not enough for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader. That requires more than just explaining your premise. It has to be an effective preview of your story that shows readers what the rest of the story is going to look like and be about. An infodump doesn’t accomplish that. Who is the protagonist? What are they trying to accomplish? Why should I care? The first chapter should answer those questions. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
While I can understand why people do this, I find it weird that it’s only done by a particular subgroup and in such a consistent way. It’s obvious they’re doing this as a way to show off their leet science knowledge rather than tell a good story, but it’s interesting that they all come up with such a similar formula.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12544709/1/Bubblegum-Brat
If you separate your author’s notes with a horizontal line, you should use a different symbol for scene breaks; otherwise, the notes look like part of the story.
[Route 2, Melemele Island]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.
[For the record, I don’t share the same world views as Lana. Hell, I fit into some of the categories as Lana hates. And this isn’t supposed to be social or political commentary, just a fun little story. This story is bound to offend, and you’ll have to have a good sense of humor about it, if you want to enjoy the story.]
The thing is, people being horrible isn’t very funny. People being horrible in ways that real people have to deal with in their daily lives and that hurt real people especially isn’t funny. Maybe you’re doing this to laugh at how cruel and vapid the privileged are, but I find it’s hard to do that when I know people like Lana and people who have been hurt by people like Lana. This looks to me like you’re tearing a wound open just to show that it hurts. Maybe I’m wrong about that and Lana is going to be redeemed by the end, but even that doesn’t feel worth it to me. I’m not interested in slogging through bile just to see a monster obtain the basic human decency they should have had from the start.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12544789/1/A-Random-Fic
Please make an actual summary.
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
You’ve got coding errors. Preview your story before posting it.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12544794/1/Fighting-for-love
Your title isn’t fully capitalized.
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes your story unreadable.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12544850/1/Mistakes-Are-Made-Redemption-is-Required
I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.
[After an EMP is far larger than predicted, Blackout lands himself in jail, and is forced to make a deal with the people that he hates to save his life, he seeks redemption so that he may prove his innocence, and eventually resume what he loves the most- Killing criminals.]
This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.
[My name is Blackout. Beyond that, you don’t need to know anything else about me as a person, such as how I look, and all that shit.]
Ah, excellent. I’ve been so sick of long pointless infodumps lately. It’s nice to see a story that can get to the point.
[over 2 weeks]
In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[I moved into a kneeling position, and quickly backed away from the ledge, and placed my hands in front of me, and willing myself to create a massive surge of electricity.]
You’ve got too many ands here. I think you lost track of this sentence.
[He was a notorious pokemon trafficker, and I had judged him guilty of pokephilia, a crime that I deemed worse than murder, due to the implicit moral complications, where I would have to make a case-by-case determination.]
Excellent, excellent! It’s rare to see people acknowledge the moral issues inherent in pokephilia. This sentence gets very confused by the end, though. I think I can understand what you’re trying to say, but it would be clearer if you split this into two sentences where you could have more space to explain the ideas.
[I opened myself up to the electricity, reducing the resistance around me to zero]
A resistance of zero is physically impossible; it would correspond to infinite current.
[it’s midsection]
You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.
[“From what I’ve been able to put together from the reports, the terrorist who uses electricity discharged a massive electromagnetic pulse, and it scrambled the internal compasses of flying types, and made steel and electric types go insane. He’s in custody now, but most of the police force was lost when the pulse went off, because they had electrike and manectric partners, who turned on them, so they’re probably going to send either you and Sidney or someone like Volkner. According to him, it was completely accidental, but people want to see him executed, so he’s probably going to die.” Nurse Joy babbled.]
That was a rather clear and detailed explanation, which is pretty much the opposite of babbling.
If you separate your author’s notes with a horizontal line, you should use a different symbol for scene breaks; otherwise, the notes look like part of the story.
[“W-Why did you kill those people?” she stammered.
He smirked, obviously amused by her question.
“You really are as naive as the crooks in here said you were. Aww, that’s almost cute. Now ask a real question.” he said as if he were talking to a small child.
“That is a real question! Now answer it!” she shouted.
“Heh, that’s great. I get a girl with more balls than the guys in this glorified concentration camp. That’s fucking fantastic.”
“Answer the question.”
“I kill because I’m damn good at it, and because it is the right thing to do.”
“Alright, moving on…”]
But that’s not a real answer. Why does he think it’s the right thing to do? You haven’t made it clear if the League knows his victims’ crimes or not.
This is decent so far, but doesn’t seem a good fit for Pokemon. If I want to read a story about a superpowered dude, there are a zillion stories about that. I’m here for the pokemon.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12545226/1/The-Completely-Documented-Life-of-a-Gary-Stu
[This is completely satire and has way more than just the Gary Stu thing.]
Such as…? If you have something unique and interesting, you should tell people what it is.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
[You see, Bob’s body was so fantastic and great that he no longer needed food. As the Chosen One of Giratina, Dialga, Palkia, Mew, and Arceus, Bob had… perks. His Aura(which btw was already completely controllable and the pool he had of it was stupidly large even as a baby) was so large that if he wanted to he could blow up the universe, and he wouldn’t even be winded, he could control it so well that he could perform brainheartliver surgery(which is a new thing, it’s where you uh… you think of something, what do you want from me? I’m just the author. Its super hard to do tho omg Bob is so perfect I love u Bob ur so original and balanced and well developed 3) with it easily. Eh… QUICK! THINK OF SOMETHING TO FILL UP THE WORD COUNT!]
You can’t parody crap by just writing more crap yourself. Trolling is supposed to be entertaining.
[I really just needed thus for an official Beta account.]
Then put some actual effort into it instead of trying to game the system. It’s not enough to simply be an official beta reader. People choose what beta readers they want based on various factors, and one thing they can judge you on is your body of work. I would absolutely not want you to be my beta reader if I saw this. If you want to show you can be a beta reader, you should show you can take stories seriously and put effort into them.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12545100/1/Opposites
[This story will be set in an alternate universe where there is school and Pokemon are all ‘human’ instead, and they still have powers and battles, yadayadayada.]
Then it has nothing to do with Pokemon. You’ve just described a generic fantasy setting. Publish this as original fiction with an “inspired by” note on a different site. This is really inconsiderate to the people looking for fic that actually engages with the setting.
[Gardevoir’s POV]
You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12544863/1/Jackson-s-Pokemon-Adventure
[This story follows Jackson Kingsley as he finishes beating the last two gym leaders of the Sinnoh region and enter the pokemon league.]
While it’s nice to finally see something that doesn’t start at the beginning of the journey, this doesn’t fix the underlying problem of OT fic, which is that the standard badge quest isn’t an interesting plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. If you do have some interesting plot idea for this, you should advertise that up front. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
[route 217]
“Route” should be capitalized here, as it’s a name.
[Celestic town]
All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Celestic Town”.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
You need to learn how to use commas. Your story is hard to follow in general, and I’d recommend getting a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12545096/1/Monsters
[There are Pocket Monsters. There are human who are monsters. This is their story.]
O…kay? But what is that story actually about? It’s unclear what this is even referring to. Your summary is an advertisement for the story; it needs to tell people what the story is actually about.
[Looking down he see thousands of people]
Typo.
You don’t need to make a line break after every sentence of dialogue.
This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. A single scene with no context does not do that. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
In general, your prose is beige and you’re making a lot of errors. Are you not a native speaker? I recommend getting a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12545045/1/In-this-World-of-Mine-Maya-s-Story
[Defeating dex holders, capture the creatures of myth, and to be masters of pokemon.]
Keep your verb agreement consistent. You switch it three times here.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[I want to be a Pokemon Master, I want to be a Contest Star, I want to be a Top Ranger, a Gym Leader, Elite Four, Champion’.]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[I’m only in my fourth year in elementary school, so mom says]
However, when a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
[Diary’s are]
Apostrophes denote possession, not plural. You want “diaries”.
[she knew it was probably some mumbo jumbo that all the old people say in this town.]
The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.
[In the vicinity of Snowpoint City lied a cluster of very small villages]
You want “lay”, not “lied”.
[Her dad, she didn’t know much about besides the fact that he worked in the mines at Oreburgh.]
That comma should be moved to after “about”.
[“I’m sorry, did I scare you?” A tall lanky man had asked her]
Dialogue formatting rules remain constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“I’m sorry, did I scare you?” a tall lanky man had asked her].
The fact you’re making this many mistakes is a sign you should get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
Hm… this is much more detailed than most stories here, but I still feel like not much has happened yet. If you’re aiming for this to be an episodic slice-of-life thing it’s probably fine, but if you have a greater plot, readers should have some idea of it by the end of the first chapter.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12545099/1/The-Pokemon-School-Alolan-Chapters
[A new journey… in a new region… with a whole lot of action and adventure!]
And what will that adventure entail, exactly? The purpose of your summary is to advertise your story. That means you should say what it’s uniquely about instead of just saying it’s exactly like the quite literally thousands of fic in the same genre.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[“I think its perfect!”]
You want “it’s”. “Its” is the possessive.
This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. That doesn’t work if nothing happens in it. Merely hinting that something may happen next chapter isn’t enough. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12545020/1/A-Kanto-Journey
You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.
[A beginning Trainer from Sinnoh decides to kick it in Kanto. meeting new friends and Pokemon along the way.]
Same applies to your summary. Your summary advertises your story, which means it has to tell the reader more than just the genre. What makes your story different?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[In the Sinnoh region, a region in the northern part of the Pokémon world]
Ehhh technically, but more accurately it’s the northern part of poke-Japan, which assuming geography holds constant is a pretty small part of poke-Earth. Since the protagonist is moving to Kanto, the more relevant factor here is that it’s part of Japan.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This is barely a single scene, and it doesn’t even cover information we aren’t already familiar with. You’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
So do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12545331/1/Pokemon-Diaries
[Robin is a young Pokemon trainer. After finding her friend N, she discovers that something sinister is at work, something involving Team Rocket, something that involves Silver…]
And that something is…? Your summary advertises your story, which means it has to tell the reader more than just the genre. What makes your story different?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12545578/1/Memory-Box
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
If you use horizontal lines to separate your author’s notes, you should use a different symbol for scene breaks; otherwise, your notes look like part of the story.
You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.
[“Arceus, I love you,”]
[“Oh my Mew, oh my Mew!”]
Using legendary names in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12545715/1/Alone
Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.
[A virus does not care if you exercise. A virus does not care if you’re pregnant. A virus does not care if you’re 6, or 60.]
Actually, it cares about all those things, because all of those things affect your immune system.
[Many people aren’t people, and many pokémon… aren’t pokémon.]
So pokemon aren’t people? I do appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon, however.
[There wasn’t an uninfected biologic she hasn’t encountered so far]
The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.
[Yeah!” Ezra shouted, stumbling down the stairs. She turned a corner and ran into the living room. Her master caught her and lifted her up, holding her so that she could see the T.V. better. A new episode for a cartoon was airing, and they were both very excited about it. It was the season finale, and the two watched intently. She sat Ezra down on the couch, plopping down with her. She cuddled her up in her arms as they watched, both of them feeling drowsy after fifteen minutes, even though it was only lunchtime. They almost fell asleep, if it weren’t for the loud end-credits music playing. The show was over.]
Why does she refer to him as “master” when they appear to have an equal relationship?
Well, that ended abruptly.
This is more substantial than most stories here, but still feels too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader. That requires more than just setting up your premise; you need to give a hint of plot, show what the story’s about. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
Relatedly, I don’t see what Pokemon adds to this. This seems to be a very standard post-apoc story; you’ve even eliminated the difference between humans and pokemon by making Ezra capable of human actions. What does it add to the story that she’s a lucario but doesn’t behave like an animal, as they do in canon? It might be a better idea to publish this as original fiction with an “inspired by” note. If pokemon do play a significant role in this, you should make that more apparent.
Regardless, it is nice to see a post-apoc story with a female protagonist.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12546591/1/Pokemon-Light-of-Alola
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. (However, this means you should probably use something different to denote scene breaks.)
[Don’t worry though. With the exception of the protagonist actually having a personality, the plot won’t be noticeably changed.]
That actually worries me a great deal. SuMo had much more plot than earlier games, but it still had a lot of dry spells. Stuff that’s interesting in the games like the trials and kahuna fights aren’t going to be interesting in a literary medium unless you add a unique spin to them. I would be generous and say it is theoretically possible for a SuMo novelization to be a viable story, but it’s still very easy to burn out on stretches of nothing. You’d do best to think carefully about what story you want to tell and plan how to deal with problems in advance. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1
And indeed, this opening is mind-numbingly boring, even though you clearly tried to give it a personal touch. There’s no point in rehashing mechanical game events like Kukui’s first message. Lillie’s scene here is actually interesting, probably because it’s your own design and not something we’ve already seen before. If you are going to continue in that vein with Lillie as a protagonist in her own right (as you should, because she really is the main character of the story) this story could be worthwhile.
[he didn’t exactly seem like they scientist type]
Typo.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12546672/1/Texts
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12546743/1/One-Wish
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[Johto Family Palace]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[your ninja’s]
Apostrophes denote possession, not plural.
[This man was Lance. The young tyrant who ruled over Kanto and Johto after successfully killing Kanto’s previous king in battle. Ever since conquering his first region 10 years ago, the man had a thirst for ruling over nations.]
Yeah, no.
This isn’t Lance. Lance doesn’t behave even slightly like this in canon; he is a generally decent guy who fights to stop Team Rocket and does not, in fact, go to war with other nations. If you need a bloodthirsty warmonger tyrant, make up an OC and say they deposed Lance instead of wearing Lance’s skin as a suit. This is really frustrating and disorienting to anyone who wants to read a fic that’s actually about Lance.
Kanto also does not operate on a feudal system. If you want it to for your plot, this is an AU and should be labeled as such.
[Lance could not only rely on winning wars to rule over all six regions, he needed the wish maker.]
The world is far bigger than the six regions we’ve seen so far, and their militaries appear to be complete jokes given that they could do nothing to stop the terrifying forces of some idiotic teenagers.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12546808/1/A-Trip-Down-Memeory-Lane
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[What are the trivialities to the abuse the Pokemon were taking?]
This is awkwardly worded; I had to read it several times before I figured out what it was saying.
[This happened all too often, especially when he gets overwhelmed.]
The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well. You have similar problems throughout. You should proofread more thoroughly.
[Her eyes were the kind of blue any artist would be memorized by]
You want “mesmerized”, I believe. “Memorize” means to commit to memory.
[She was every bit a toy bear herself, always kind to strangers and making sure her Pokemon wanted to travel with her and battle on her behalf.]
That’s an awkward metaphor, given that toy bears are inert receptors of love. If Hilda’s whole thing in this is that she actively goes out to help people, that’s a different kind of niceness than a comfort object.
(The last part is also very much an informed trait given that you literally -can’t- make sure of that in the games. A bit of explanation for how she’s communicating with the pokemon might help sell this better.)
[indicating that n was welcome to sit by her]
Forgot to capitalize his name here.
[She would never belittle him or invalidate his feelings, like the Sages did whenever he brought his problems to him. His sisters were better, but they didn’t calm him as well as Hilda did. Pokemon were Pokemon, of course; while they helped, sometimes they just didn’t understand.]
That is a really weird thing for him to think given his whole thing is that he believes pokemon are people. I should think they would have very strong opinions on having your feelings ignored or invalidated, especially when Ghetsis specifically picked out abused pokemon for N.
[While his own team was left in his room]
Unless this is the endgame (in which case he probably shouldn’t be so friendly with Hilda), he doesn’t have a set team.
This is sweet, and I’m glad to see an N/PC fic that addresses the pokemon treatment angle.