Today we have a Nuzlocke fic that is not completely horrible! I am cautiously optimistic.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12552236/1/Flame-for-the-Unlit-Torch

[Join the adventures of our two character, facing the many challanges that will hit them and go through many adventure and learning about each other. Alongside with their comrades, they will face battles through physically and mentally against the forces that disrupt the order of Alola and the World.]

This is incoherent. Are you not a native speaker? You should get a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[(Bad at making a summary here ‘)]

If you know it’s bad, fix it instead of apologizing. Making summaries is really not that hard.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12552277/1/Pokemon-Fusion-Adventures

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[A girl named Sarah goes on an exciting journey in a region where Pokemon fusions exist. What friends will she meet? What kind of Pokemon will she catch? And most importantly, how can these fusions exist?]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What is your plot?

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

[2 hours]

In prose, numbers less than 10 or so are written out with letters.

[Sarah wasn’t sure how it worked or what actually happens to the Pokemon, but it sure seemed cool.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

A new speaker requires a new paragraph. Dialogue is very hard to follow if you don’t do this.

Well, that ended abruptly.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This is just a summary of the background and one incomplete scene. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

Furthermore… DO you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to copy the game format, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12551855/1/Disguises

[There are many who wear disguises here, violet around one’s eyes and clothes of black hiding one’s skin. Sometimes, the people of Alola laugh it off, the sunlight so warm that they smile instead, walking away with the wind behind them.]

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating. On AO3 you can make up for this with tags (though you shouldn’t), but here you really need to focus on a clear summary.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

If you separate your author’s notes with a horizontal line, you should use a different marker for scene breaks; otherwise, your notes may look like part of the story.

[She knows inside this is wrong]

That’s being awfully charitable to Lusamine. Remember what Wicke said: the poison only removes inhibitions, it doesn’t change your core behavior. Lusamine was always a controlling monster.

This is nicely written, but doesn’t really go anywhere. I’m not sure if the player character’s section is necessary; they’re tonally dissonant with the other sections since they didn’t suffer any abuse, and there’s no sense of catharsis since you don’t show them actually fixing or interacting with the earlier bits, just observing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12551802/1/Despair

[Being a Pokemon trainer is not for the faint of heart. It is a grueling experience that will push every fiber of your body to the limit and beyond. This is why only the most hard working and determined of trainers make it to the top. But it’s kind of hard to get there when your worst enemies are caterpies and jigglypuffs.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot? Also, you’re good at not capitalizing “pokemon” in the story itself, but you did so here.

[“Mom, I want a Sneasel.”]

Also here.

(On that note, you should apply the same capitalizing reasoning to other things, such as “champion”. Titles are only capitalized when they’re appended to a name.)

[something along those lines-something cool and strong]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[I was 9 years old and I had to be 13 to become a trainer]

In prose, numbers less than 10 or so are written out with letters. Also, there is no age requirement for training. Preschoolers have pokemon.

[‘Could explain why he’s always stealing my cap,’ I thought]

Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.

[“Are you always messing with me because you’re a dark type?” I asked him accusingly?]

You don’t need that second question mark.

[“…”]

This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.

[I mentally cringed remembering that I did ask for Sorren.]

Saying someone “mentally” or “inwardly” verbed almost always sounds ridiculous. There are much better ways to describe emotions that aren’t expressed outwardly. If it’s cringeworthy, just say he cringed. (Also, you need a comma after “cringed” here.)

[Now, all I see when I look at him is Giratina incarnate.]

Wow, rude. What did Giratina ever do to him? He’s not even Sinnohan, why should he even know or care about Giratina? Using legendary names in place of real-life religious figures sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[“Well… what about a zorua?”

She gave me another look like I was stupid. “Do I look like I grow money in the backyard?” she asked.

“Um… no?” I said meekly.

“Then you’re not getting a zorua,” she stated matter-of-factly.

Well, so much for a backup plan. “Can you at least get me some kind of dark type?” I tried in a final attempt to get some kind of cool starter.

“Hm… I’ll think about it,” she finished.]

It sounds like they’re in Kanto or Johto, which are lousy with dark types. It should be easy to pick up a murkrow or houndour.

[There were even a pair of fingerless gloves in there. Was that just some trainer tradition or were the gloves actually useful?]

If he can’t realize why gloves might be useful for hiking through the wilderness, he clearly isn’t ready and needs to go back to school.

[A pokedex has always been a key tool for any beginning trainer]

It really isn’t. Look closely at how you get it in each game: it’s always a personal gift the professor gives you to help out with their personal research. It’s not actually necessary for training itself.

[“He’s a cacnea,” my mom informed me, “an old friend of mine who’s a breeder said he’d give me a discount on him for your birthday.”]

When two complete sentences of dialogue are cleanly divided by narration, they’re formatted as separate sentences. So this should be [“He’s a cacnea,” my mom informed me. “An old friend of mine who’s a breeder said he’d give me a discount on him for your birthday.”]

You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

So do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. A nonstandard starter is mildly interesting, but not enough to carry a whole story. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

And relatedly, you should get to that plot in the first chapter. The first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Most of this chapter is background information explaining how the main character became a trainer… but it doesn’t look like it’s going to be relevant to the plot or even brought up again. This means it’s not necessary; we can presume that someone going on a trainer journey wants to be a trainer. Adhere to conservation of detail: only mention things that matter. This will make the story more interesting, and help you get to the plot faster. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

I do like that the mom is more prominent than the dad, however.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12550939/1/Road-To-Become-A-Pokemon-Master

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[“How are we going to get there?” He questioned]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

Also, dialogue formatting rules remain constant regardless of dialogue punctuation, so the “he” shouldn’t be capitalized.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12551555/1/Song-to-the-Beat-of-My-Heart

Unless you plan to include game/mange ships, this belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Songfics are banned on this site. This story is at risk of being taken down without warning.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12551558/1/LTOD-TRIALS

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[I’m awake. Risen from the dead. Alive. But what will I do for entertainment? A game of truth or dare will do. With who? Legendary Pokémon. Yes… perfect… Welcome to the L.T.O.D TRIALS…]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[MW87: Wazup!!

Galix: Can not belive your doing this

Mew: Doing what Bluryface?

Joe: Writing 2 fics at the same time.

Galix: Stop calling me Bluryface…

Mew: Why Bluryface?

MW87: You just got owned by a 5 year old!!

Mew: I’m not 5!! Wait, whats a year, MidnightCandyYumYum??

MW87: Urg. I’m just gonna be straight to it. I–

Lucario: Well?

MW87: …Zirioz Muter Fucker?

Lucario: Yes.

MidnightWidow87 does not own Pokémon, and some jokes in the fic are not owned by her either. Oh, and L.T.O.D stands for Legendary Truth Or Dare. MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Mew: LET US CONTINUE!!

MW87: STOP STEALING MY LINES!!!!]

This is not nearly as clever or amusing as you think it is.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

Interactive fic is also banned on this site, also for good reason. This story is at risk of being taken down without warning.

Generally, try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12551665/1/The-Fugitive

[Bulbasaur is on his own journey throughout Kanto]

That makes as much sense as you being named “Human”. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s ridiculous and confusing. Your characters deserve actual names.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[The Fugitive doesn’t strictly tie itself with the usual Pokémon settings and themes. It aims to be darker, more mature, touches morale issues, love, grudge, freedom, slavery, revolutions, human misdeeds and abuse, etc…]

You might want to master grammar before you plunge into deep literary themes. You’re misspelling words, dropping articles, and making many punctuation mistakes. All of this makes your story harder to understand. Are you not a native speaker? Regardless, you should get a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Pallet Town is known for being the starting point for many Pokémon trainers since it houses Oak’s lab.]

Nope. Professors are not the sole arbitrators of trainership. If you’ve read the manga, you really have no excuse for saying this.

[Professor Oak give its starter Pokémon Bulbasaur, Charmander and Squirtle each year to new trainers]

Also not a thing. Gary got a pokemon because of nepotism, Red/Leaf got a pokemon because they’re Gary’s friend, both of them only got anything because Oak wanted to use them as unpaid labor for his personal research project. Things might be different in the anime, but this really isn’t a model you should be using anyway, because it doesn’t make sense. Especially if you’re trying for a darker and more realistic setting, pokemon researchers should be doing actual important work instead of giving out their extremely rare and valuable specimens to stupid kids all the time.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Some days later]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

This subject matter would normally be interesting to me, but I seriously cannot understand what’s going on. This is incoherent. Either research proper grammar or get a beta reader who can.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12551207/1/Beyond-the-Stars

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[In a world where anything seems possible, Pokemon live in thrive as beings. When Jolt gets a chance encounter with an old friend, it paves the way for a destiny to unfold.]

While this is better than some summaries, it’s still really vague. What’s your plot and themes?

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[This Jolteon’s name is, rather uncreatively, Jolt.]

Yes, it really is. This is as silly as someone being named Hugh Mann.

[a gaurds feet]

Spellcheck.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes your dialogue unreadable.

[Think of a Pip Boy from fallout, only with a grappling hook in it.)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is always a terrible idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

Even by the standards of AUs, this doesn’t really have anything to do with Pokemon. Your pokemon characters are functionally indistinguishable from humans, right down to apparently being bipedal. If your characters bear no resemblance to the canon ones, and your setting has nothing to do with the canon one, then I don’t understand why you’re labeling this as fanfiction instead of original fiction. This belongs on Fictionpress or Archive of Our Own.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12552833/1/the-pain-in-my-ass-are-you

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[(scoffs)]

This isn’t a comic book or screenplay. Character actions should be described in prose.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12552992/1/Stay

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.

Songfic is banned on this site.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12553060/1/Odd-Experience

This is completely incoherent. Are you not a native speaker? Regardless, you need to try harder. Get a beta reader if you’re really having trouble with basic grammar.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12553269/1/Infinity

[I tried to spell/grammar check most of this chapter, but because most of the time I spent writing this (and checking it) was late at night on my iPad, there are bound to be some errors.]

Then for the love of God *don’t do that*. You’re not on a deadline. Wait an extra day to proofread it properly.

[As part of the 888th flight test squadron of the US Air Force, it was his job to test America’s first eighth generation fighter: the F 25 Mamba. The F 25 was built to rival the Russian MiG 55; the world’s first eighth generation fighter, which was capable of Mach 5 speeds while carrying three 55 millimeter cannons and four air-to-air missiles.]

As a non-weapons nerd, this means nothing to me. Is this information directly relevant to the plot? If not, don’t waste your readers’ time with it. Conservation of detail.

[Ordinarily, development of such a weapon wouldn’t be that big of a problem, but the fact that the Russians decided to test it by obliterating much of Eastern Europe in the summer of 2054 and launching the world into World War III kind of did make it a big deal. Leading the resistance against Russia was the United States, which could do little to help as much of Europe and Asia fell to the mighty MiG 55.]

Kinda ethnocentric of you to assume rising powers like China will be less powerful than a crumbling power like America in the future.

[The US lowered the selective service age to sixteen in order to recruit as many “Defenders of the Western World” as possible when Russia made aggressive movements towards South America. Most sixteen year olds drafted into the military, however]

So is it selective or is it a draft? It’s one thing to just lower the recruiting age, reinstating the draft would have major political repercussions. You did learn about Vietnam in school, right? The protests that tore the country apart? The move to lower the voting age because of the overwhelming fury of a populace forced to fight in a war they had no political voice in? The draft is not popular. People would not just roll over and accept this. If the explanation is that America quashed the resulting protests, then it has become a dictatorship and there is functionally no difference between it and Russia, so I cease to care about the outcome of this conflict.

[“Ryan, where are the wings? And the engine? How’s this thing gonna get off the ground?” he questioned.]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

[it’s ‘engine’]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[“I’d recommend you calibrate the suit’s G tolerance now” Calem heard through his helmet.]

Missing comma.

[“Calibrate G force tolerance,” Calem spoke]

“Spoke” is, ironically, not a speech verb. That you’re reaching for it is a sign you’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

If you use horizontal lines to separate your author’s notes, you should use a different marker for scene breaks; otherwise, your notes can look like part of the story.

[Later]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

What does this have to do with Pokemon?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12553307/1/Spoiled-and-Neurotic

Centering text makes it difficult to read.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[It’s body]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

This seems rather insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Your summary promises there will be plot, so why don’t you give us a hint at what it is? This thread gives more tips on writing first chapters: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

[No Mary Sues/Gary Stues]

This is far too general of a term to be useful. I’d recommend just sticking to and elaborating on exactly what you don’t like about them. Your explanation seems to imply you specifically don’t like characters that have too few or too many flaws, but… again, that’s really general and kinda obvious? It’s worth noting that you should try to cast your net for characters that fit the specific tone you want for this story; there are many borderline cases who can be considered Mary Sues in some settings but not in others. Some people just naturally like or are predisposed to characters with more or fewer flaws. It’s much more helpful if you tell people what ratio of flaw to virtue you’re looking for.

[Nobody is allowed the following: […] Huge Pokemon(How is a Wailmer, Onix, etc. supposed to fit in the halls of the academy?)]

Uh, in a pokeball? Is that not an option for some reason?

Quite frankly, it seems to me that you’re looking for very specific characters and teams and would be better off making your own OCs. You know what’s in store and what characters would work best. Your readers don’t.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12553398/1/Ash-Ketchum-Rewritten

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. This should go above your first chapter, not stand on its own.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12553512/1/Under-the-Alolan-Sun

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

This is a mess. Try harder and get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12553659/1/Return-from-Kalos

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Ding-Dong]

This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12553802/1/ash-ketchups-tale-part-1

Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12553817/1/The-Pok%C3%A9mon-World-tour

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes your story unreadable.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12553746/1/A-Dangerous-Game

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[For the first time in history, all people and Pokemon stopped what they were doing and mourned the passing of a legend.]

So pokemon aren’t people? Seems rather odd that they’d be capable of mourning, then.

[Trainer Red, the man who single handedly took down the evil organisation Team Rocket and became the league champion at the young age of ten, had passed away aged 60, finally succumbing to life long injuries. The unbeaten champion for 30 consecutive years was an inspiration to all who strived to call themselves a Pokemon master.]

That doesn’t make a lot of sense.

This seems to be blurring the lines too much between meta and in-universe. Red is only special to us because he was the first player character. There’s absolutely no in-universe reason why he’d be any more important than the other player characters, let alone have worldwide renown. I don’t see why he’d be more famous than oh, say, Dawn, who saved the universe? Defeating the Mafia in one small region is nothing in comparison.

[his grandfathers position]

Proofread.

[They changed the international starting age requirement from 10 to 15 years of age and set up ‘safe routes’ between each city where the chances of encountering wild Pokemon are small.]

There is no age requirement. There are preschoolers with pokemon. Furthermore, all this tells me is that you’ve made the story extra boring by removing potential sources of conflict. Raising the age of newbie trainers is generally a bad idea for this reason. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142926917/1/TRAINERS-START-AT-TEN

[Pokemon League regulations state that trainers starters must be hatched by and imprinted on them. This is to stop so many deaths of trainers by their starters not listening to them.]

Exactly how many people were dying in your universe before Saint Red fixed everything? It sounds like their population should have been annihilated by this point. There is a point at which adding realism starts being unrealistic in the other direction.

[Furthermore, any additional Pokemon that are not bred by the trainer must have been owned for at least three months before they participate in battles. Those who graduate trainer school at 18 receive a random egg from the nearest breeder to serve as their starter. Those who hatch an egg and are above 15 are immediately graduated. Therefore, as my birthday is tomorrow and I have an egg, as soon as it hatches I can go on my journey.]

This is so incredibly dull and clinical.

You’re not designing a video game. We don’t care about all these rules and regulations and minutiae. What is your PLOT? What is this story ABOUT? Who is this person, what are their hopes and dreams, why should I care? This is all far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. There is only one real scene in this chapter, and it doesn’t give us any idea of what the story will be like going forward – cutting your opening short just before the plot starts isn’t a clever cliffhanger, it’s bad writing that makes readers bounce. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12554134/1/Pikachu-X-Eevee-PMD-story-sneak-peek

[Remember, this is only a sneak peek]

Then you shouldn’t have posted it. Non-story entries are banned on this site and that includes previews. Post your story when you have a complete chapter and not a moment before.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

This is a mess. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12554655/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-World-tour-part-2

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Cluttering up the archive by posting chapters as separate stories is against the rules of this site. The chaptering feature exists for a reason. Use it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12555469/1/The-17-Trials

[Tracie the Typhlosion]

You’re generally good about not capitalizing pokemon, but you did so here.

[This is based on a Nuzlocke variant called the Gainlocke which is basically like a monotype but you unlock different types by completing specific trials, so to speak.]

Keep in mind that what makes for a good game doesn’t necessarily make for a good story. Reading about someone learning and adhering to a bunch of strict rules isn’t inherently interesting.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[I jumped up and got of the bed, narrowly avoiding the splinters, I wasn’t wearing shoes or socks for that matter.]

That second comma is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[“If I kill you,” the boy said. “Maybe everything will go back to normal]

You’re generally formatting dialogue correctly, but when you interrupt dialogue in the middle of a sentence, the whole thing is formatted as one sentence. So this should be [“If I kill you,” the boy said, “maybe everything will go back to normal]

[it’s bare hands]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[A few years ago, a powerful force known as Nuzlocke descended upon this world, with him he brought a few trainers from other worlds. These trainers were monsters, they sacrificed Pokemon just to escape from this world and murdered wild Pokemon to power up their Pokemon.]

Oh, hey, acknowledgment that the Nuzlocke setup is morally abhorrent when taken seriously, that’s nice to see. Is it going to carry over to your protagonist’s own quest?

[“How come I can talk to Pokemon?”

“The mark of the Nuzlocke grants the owner many gifts, communication is one of them.”]

That really just makes this all worse. All of those trainers knew pokemon were people, and they still ordered them to their deaths?

[“Nuzlocke,” Tracie squinted]

Non-speaking verbs aren’t part of dialogue; they’re separate sentences. This should be [“Nuzlocke.” Tracie squinted]

Well, this is certainly different! I like to see a first chapter where things actually happen and the plot gets introduced in an expedient manner. Making this a danger for the trainer as well also justifies a lot of the moral issues inherent to Nuzlockes, though making pokemon fully sapient and capable of speech may introduce its own problems re: the trainer system. I’m interested to see where this will go.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12555909/1/God-Is-My-Boyfriend

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or anniversary. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[The confident Silvally was preparing the dinner table]

With what, the opposable thumbs he doesn’t have? Right from this I know this is going to have nothing to do with Pokemon. If you want to write a fluffy gay romance with God, just do that instead of insisting your characters who act exactly like humans are totally pokemon. This is extremely inconsiderate to the people who come to Fanfiction dot Net to read stories that actually engage with the source material. Original fiction goes on Fictionpress or Archive of Our Own.

[with even an Alolan priest decrying his very existence as an insult to Arceus Himself]

And of course the Alolans worship Arceus, it’s not like they canonically worship completely different gods and are in fact the only region with canonical widespread pokemon worship or anything. Arceus is not the Judeo-Christian God. Stop being so ethnocentric.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12555926/1/Misunderstandings

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.