Found a semi-decent “pokemon become real” fic. Sadly, it was by a gun nut, so it spends all its time on irrelevant minutiae.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12557613/1/PIRLV

The discussion of insomnia is tragically relateable.

[I turned on the light and looked in the mirror. An eighteen year old creep with bright green, tired, empty eyes looked back at me, dark circles very prominent. He was wearing a thick clothed, dark camo shirt. He had long dark brown hair that went down his back and fell in his face in messy, tangled clumps. He brushed his bangs back with a hand, a habit despite the split ends and tangles.

He refused to get his hair cut. It was pointless and a waste in his eyes. The way he saw it, his hair was the perfect way to hide from the sun, cold air, and the eyes of people. If anyone asked why his hair was long, he’d always tell them seriously that he was too poor for haircuts, but that was just a dark lie to make them feel bad about prying about other people.

He sighed and opened the mirror, pulling out a toothbrush and Crest toothpaste. He shut the mirror and gave it his customary grin. He always liked looking at his freaky teeth. They were in perfect alignment with one another, but there was a strange thing about them. All of the front teeth were pointed at the bottoms like canine, making them look like monster teeth. Sharp and dangerous teeth. The dentist said the disorder was very rare, with only one in 10 million being born with it.]

This is a good example of how to provide description in an interesting and meaningful manner. Good job! I particularly like how we get his own thoughts about his appearance. (But shouldn’t that be “…like canines”, plural?)

[My real name is Hunter Ghalagar, AKA, “That-is-my-real-fucking-name-get-over-it.”]

I don’t see how that’s an unusual name?

Hm. I usually find this kind of protagonist grating, but I’m finding him more tolerable than usual. It feels like he’s sort of self-aware, like he knows he’s not actually as awesome as he wants to be. You’re also doing decently well at keeping a fast pace with his descriptions.

That said, opening the story with an infodump is an instant turnoff. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant, i.e., the plot. Do we *really* need to spend a page hearing about gun and combat minutiae and a further page about his college? It’s better to keep the story moving and drop in information as it becomes relevant instead of all at once.

[I’m a 90 percent student, never getting lower than an A, never getting higher than a 95 on purpose. There’s just something funny about easily breezing far above average when others struggle like hell to keep it. If people studied even a fraction of how long they spend on their phone, my generation would be full of rocket scientists and STEM researchers. Instead, we’ve got a bunch of self entitled fucktards with phones whose only real talent in life is doing unbelievable mental gymnastics to stroke their own egos and avoid reality.]

Says the person who’s purposefully stopping just short of an A+ just to stroke his own ego?

[I only usually ever catch five Pokémon each game, which are the ones that help me win alongside my starter. I don’t even catch the legendaries; I just battle them. The only reason I limit myself to five Pokemon is because when I was really little, there were only six spots on a team, so I always thought that you could only have six. It sort of became a tradition for me to do this. Any Pokemon of mine I nicknamed, took care of, and leveled them to their fullest potential. I even wished that they were real on so many occasions so that I could just take care of them.]

Aw, that’s actually really sweet.

[The soft smell of mold. sweat, and cologne]

Errant period.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[(I know the pre evolutionary forms should be present as well as traded Pokemon, but this is my story, so my ways).]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is always a terrible idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

Hm. Well, that was rather slow, but it’s nice to see something happen in the first chapter. I feel like you could have sped things up a bit; currently, I still don’t even know if this is for everyone or just for him, and I can’t see where the rest of the story and plot are going yet.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12557613/2/PIRLV

[Besides, my parent’s summer vacation didn’t start till tomorrow, so it didn’t entirely seem fair to me that they have to go in for work while I got to lounge at home.]

It’s nice that you’re making the effort to show he really is a decent person underneath his bluster. A lot of the time, this character archetype insists he has a heart of gold but never does anything to prove it.

[As far as older games are concerned, you can have nine hundred ninety nine of the same item stacked.]

Actually, not true; not only were stacks limited to 256 in the original games, overall bag space was also limited. The bottomless bag was only implemented a few generations in.

[I grinned and tossed the can into a wastebasket from where I was sitting I was honestly surprised I made the can in one toss.]

This is a run-on sentence; looks like you dropped some punctuation.

[Night Daze, Shadow claw]

You should capitalize move names consistently. Typically, every word of a multi-word name is capitalized.

[Entries suggest that she can run six thousand two hundred miles in a day. Assuming she doesn’t take breaks, that means that she runs at a staggering pace of two hundred and fifty eight miles an hour, which is more than double the top speed of most cars.]

Tsk tsk tsk, not even a shred of doubt towards the pokedex? That’s a pretty common point of discussion in Pokemon fandom. It’s rather strange that he’s taking everything so literally and not considering other fanon and headcanons – especially awkward given that you’re posting this to a site that is the hotbed for many of those headcanons. Unless this is some strange thing where they are shaped by his own personal expectations and nothing else – but he has no reason to assume that. For someone who claims to rely on the scientific method, he should know the only way he’ll get concrete data is by observing their abilities directly.

[the ‘Head Blond’ girl]

If they’re women, you want “blonde”. “Blond” is the masculine form.

[Stone edge is a very powerful move he uses, giving a great advantage over those in the sky. He has hit some fast flying types before, so I bet he could hit a fast plane as well.]

Not… really? Stone Edge erupts from the ground. It doesn’t seem likely that it could rise all the way to hit a plane miles in the air, at least not with any accuracy. Honestly it doesn’t even make sense that it can hit fliers in the games.

[I didn’t want to get it anymore sweaty]

You want “any more”, two words. “Anymore” is an adverb.

[That means that Hart can fly 1430 mph.]

[…]

[With her size, wing span, and anatomy, I could probably fly on her anywhere in the world in a few hours.]

At 1430 mph? Really? The acceleration would liquefy him. He’d need to invest in additional protective gear if he wants to do this.

It’s interesting to see that most of his team knows Protect. Did he do that on purpose to help them stay safe?

[There was also some report about a cop shooting a black man who pulled a gun during a traffic ticket stop. People were blowing up the subject, using it as an excuse to riot and loot stores and blah, blah, I’m unhappy, blah, blah, maybe I can improve my image by looting our own stores, blah, blah, I’m oppressed even though there was a black president, blah, blah…

Just fucking stop already. Quit being assholes. I’m not racist, just annoyed at the HUMAN race as a whole. I’m glad I identified as a desk lamp and not as a person.]

So is this supposed to be a sign that he’s really out-of-touch with the rest of the world?

[My Pokemon…let’s say… a little snow maiden were to drastically change this Georgia blazing heat to a cool snowing winter wonderland. It never snows here in Georgia during winter, especially not in June. People would be wondering what the heck happened. If this weather gets noticed by the people, people will speculate. If there are any other odd phenomenons occurring that I do not know of, other people may link them to events I do not know of. I can observe their reaction to how they try to explain this impossible phenomenon. I can gauge their answer and see if they connect it to other unexplainable occurrences, or see if they just really have no idea what is going on. I can do this multiple times in different places. They would have to try to say something.]

Except if he gets caught at any point the pokemons’ cover is completely blown. It’s weird that he’s being so hasty here; it hasn’t even been a full day yet, right? It’s possible other trainers are laying low like him, but he himself said that people would be unable to resist the temptation of this power, and that nobody would be able to keep it secret once a trainer revealed themselves. A break of the masquerade is inevitable, he just has to wait a day or two.

[I grabbed my bag and walked to the boy’s bathroom.]

That is a terrible idea given that bathrooms are frequented by lots of people and this will definitely be loud and flashy. Why doesn’t he try this in his dorm room?

This is a much better opening conclusion than the end of the last chapter; you should have gotten to this point in your first chapter. We now have an idea of what the protagonist’s goals and resources are, and what he’s going to do going forward.

I still don’t see why he’s so afraid they’ll be captured/killed, though. As he says, they are more powerful than anything in our world, and Protect, in particular, seems impenetrable. It would take either snipers or a sustained offensive to really threaten him, and even then, he has a ghost type, which could very well be immune to all mundane attacks.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12557613/3/PIRLV

[I watched as from the porch as Hart glided through the clouds with grace and ease, happy to be out of her Pokeball.]

Surely someone in the area is going to notice the giant bird?

[which was where we kept out heavy clothes]

“Our”?

[it was harder to breath]

You want “breathe”. Breath is the noun.

[it’s way]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[Where the fuck are you physics?! Wind resistance?! G force?! One if not THREE of those things should’ve killed me! The HELL is this sorcery?]

Why did he do this if he was so certain he would die?

Anyway, hmm.

I’m not really a fan of this explanation. Obviously, pokemon are magic, but it feels like cheating to say they actively warp the laws of physics even in our world.

[She was smiling.]

…How? Birds can’t smile.

[This must be why my character could always instantly fly from location to location.]

Except not all bird pokemon are that fast.

I think you’re being way too literal about this. There are lots of things in the games that are obviously simplifications for the sake of gameplay; obviously, it’s impossible for them to perfectly simulate reality even if the designers wanted that. It feels weird that you’re focusing so much on explaining things that obviously don’t exist in-universe, especially considering that this is fanfic, which is supposed to make the universe feel less rigid and mechanical, not more. Unless, as I said, the idea is that everything is based around Hunter’s own beliefs, but you’ve given no indication that that’s the case.

[Motor, my Rotom]

Seriously? If I was Motor I’d be pretty annoyed at being given such a dumb name.

[A weird thing to note about this team is that they are all female, aside from Motor who is genderless.]

Uh. Is this going to get weird?

[I’m scared because of what might happen if I am caught with them.]

Gardevoir can read minds, and may be able to manipulate them as well, so he can’t even get ambushed now. Again, not sure why he’s so concerned when he so massively outguns any human authority.

[I started snickering when I got to the local station, thinking about what they would say about the weather. Surprising enough, that is not what I found. I found something else. It was a bear mauling attack just up the road, in which a male and female died. The reports said that the bear seemed like something between a Grizzly bear and an Asian bear, both of which do not reside in this area, which baffles the local zoologists. The grip on my can of soda slowly increased.

They showed a sketch of what the bear looked like. I almost spit out my soda. It wasn’t a bear. It was full fledged Ursaring.]

So yes, he just had to wait a little longer. What was the point of making the snowstorm, then? Just a power trip? I’d honestly find it perfectly reasonable if he just wanted to fool around with something so harmless, but trying to make it part of a master plan was just unnecessary.

And ah, the plot arrives, finally! Very good, much drama.

[They shouldn’t have left work for another three hours. They must have pardoned work early so they could spend the first day of summer with… me.]

That’s nicely tragic without feeling forced.

[I started to feel such deep angst inside of me.]

Angst does not seem like the appropriate word in this instance.

[I opened it and took out my mom’s AR 15. I stuffed the butt of the gun in the bag and watched it fall into nothingness. No weight change, no sign of it ever being there. I started throwing all the guns in there: a Mini-14, a civilian AK-47, a civilian light SCAR, and a mix of handguns. I started throwing in loaded clips and ammo boxes, hundreds of different rounds. All I had to do was reach into the bag and there it was.

I pulled out my magnum and holster. I slipped that and several preloaded quick draws in my ammo belt and put that around my waist under the coat with the other belts. I put a mix of several .22LR and several 12 gauge slugs in my side ammo pouches. I pulled out my junior compound bow and quiver of ten razor arrows. I’m no Katniss Everdeem, but I can hit a target 50 meters away, most of the time anyways. I put them in the bag as well.

I pulled out the last gun I left inside the safe; my dad’s Franchi SPAS-12, his prized shotgun.]

You really don’t need to list all of these. It’s enough to say he loaded up; you’ve already established his family is armed to the teeth, so you can reasonably have him pull out anything you need later.

[*Click*]

*Sound effect* is only for scripts. In literature, it’s standard to use italics instead.

[I felt like someone was poking at my conscious with a stick]

You want “consciousness”. “Conscious” is an adjective.

[Why did I forgive him so easily? Wasn’t I just set out to kill him…?]

…Yes, why? I presume there is a reason for this, but you need to explain it. If even your protagonist is pointing out their actions make no sense, that’s a bad sign for your plot.

Well. This is better than most fics I’ve seen, though I reiterate that you tend to overexplain things and could stand to move things along faster. This is 23,000 words; that’s over half a NaNoWriMo novel, and yet the plot has only barely begun and I still don’t know where it’s headed in the long term. I am also leery of how many pokemon characters you’re adding so quickly. If they’re all going to have the same cheerleading personality, then their only role is as tools to the protagonist, which makes the fact you’ve given them voices, sapience, and personality extremely awkward. If they’re only going to function as an extension of the protagonist’s will, you shouldn’t give them personalities; but if you do give them personalities, they need to be characters in their own right. fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142476358/1/Pokemon-Intelligence discusses this topic further.

What is it about gun nuts that makes them think they need to write like this?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12559997/1/Diammant%C3%A8s-s-love-Story

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Follow them as their road of love and Adventure become more and more Epic.]

Stop capitalizing random words.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context. You also shouldn’t switch POVs within the same chapter, as that’s really disorienting. Use third-person omniscient if it’s vitally important for us to know what both characters are thinking in the same scene.

Are you not a native speaker? You’re making a lot of unusual errors, and it makes your story very hard to follow. I recommend getting a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12560073/1/I-need-everyone-to-read-this

Non-story entries are banned on this site. Put this on your profile or in a forum post.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12556620/1/The-Trainer-s-Desire

Centering all your text makes it difficult to read.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12561874/1/Random-Relations

Please make an actual summary.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[-TIME SKIP-]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12561894/1/The-Next-Generation

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12562467/1/Pierced-hearts

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12561380/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-the-Keeper-of-the-Beasts-excerpt

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This is against the rules of the site. The chaptering feature exists for a reason. Use it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12560507/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Origins

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Striding forward, he placed his clawed hand on the door, where his usual markings were on the frame. He never used the handle.]

I would expect not, given charizard don’t have opposable thumbs. It’s not physically possible for pokemon to have societies and technology that looks just like ours. Show a little creativity.

[Suddenly, a hand, as cold as ice, yet as firm as iron, presses against Tren’s mouth]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. While something does happen here, it’s only a single short scene, and we have no context for it or what it may imply. You need to give us more than this. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12561835/1/Trust

[Instantly, I looked at Flash however, the sound did not come from him.]

This needs an additional comma before “however”.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[“I seem to recall you getting quite excited over a battle,” Cilan stated.]

“Stated” is not a synonym for “said”. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

So, why does Blaze believe speaking to pokemon is a curse? Why is he okay with training and treating pokemon like attack dogs when he knows they’re fully sapient?

[“I also want to find out if people and pokemon are really meant to be together,” he said.]

N always says “humans and pokemon”. This is because he believes pokemon are people.

This has a lot of minor grammar errors in it. You should proofread more thoroughly or get a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12562698/1/Millennium

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or legendary. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[The Legendary and Mythical Pokémon of this world… They are all mysterious, unique in their own ways. After all, I am a Legendary myself.]

Then it’s really weird for them to say that. How often do you say “The humans of this world… they are so unique in their own ways”?

[Jirachi often granted the questionable, dangerous wishes of cruel people and caused a lot of damage, forcing the older Legendaries to reverse the effects and fix her messes.]

Not… really? I’m not terribly familiar with the movie, but I’m pretty sure they had to rely on humans to fix the mess. The legendaries are not a close-knit bureaucracy, they tend to be pretty isolated and hands-off. Also, most of them are in hibernation or otherwise removed from the world.

[I was once one of the Legendaries who considered her a nuisance before.]

And the god of an isolationist island nation cares about a minor god on the other side of the planet because…? That’s another thing, these are separate pantheons that tend to have very localized domains. This makes as much sense as mixing the Japanese and Hawaiian religions.

Also, Jirachi really doesn’t seem like an innocent fluffy bunny in canon. Its signature move is to wish death on its enemies, remember.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12562707/1/A-New-Beginning

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice. Incidentally, I think you should look up what a prologue is. It’s not a synonym for a first chapter.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Now to be honest, I never really thought much of Pokémon. I suppose they have immense power compared to the average human. But otherwise there isn’t really anything that special about them.]

Yes, other than the extremely important and special thing about them there’s nothing special about them. This is such a bizarre way to think of it. Do you go around thinking “I suppose modern technology has immense power compared to what humans can do on their own, but there isn’t really anything special about them”? Their culture and civilization revolves around pokemon.

[So that’s it for the prologue, if you could really call it that.]

You really can’t. A single paragraph is not a chapter and definitely not a prologue. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. You haven’t done that. Who is this person, where is this story going to go, why should I care? The first chapter should answer those questions. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12562799/1/Is-There-Hope

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[an unknown Trainor]

Spellcheck.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12562800/1/Pokemon-Academy

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. You need to include some story content.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12562235/1/My-Love-For-My-Yveltal

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or minibus. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[the thought of many people and Pokémon working together to keep our world in shape and harmony for all]

So pokemon aren’t people? Not a good start for a story that’s going to end with you screwing one, especially when the canon sure seems to imply “people and pokemon working together” means “the pokemon do all the work”.

[meeting and working with my other employers on my workplace and seeing them coincidentally around town]

I think you mean “employees”. Employers are the people who do the employing, i.e., managers.

[I have been thinking about the girls on this town, and let me tell you, neither of them seems to attract my attention. I’m not giving up on searching, but as this case go on, it is very time consuming. Maybe when the right time, I can find one… or a Pokémon would be okay too…]

So if you can’t date a human, you’ll date something that can’t disobey or meaningfully consent? Good to know.

[I flipped the switch and lights on the ceiling began to flicker open and lit the whole room and also turning on the air conditioner on the ventilation system.]

This is a run-on sentence and a jumble besides. Slow down and focus on what you want to say.

[Deep in my guts, I felt something isn’t right]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[it’s face]

Proofread.

Assuming the pokedex/mythology has any basis in fact, a lot of people had to die to make this Yveltal egg. It is really weird that this doesn’t cross your character’s mind at all.

[-Papa? I heard a young feminine voice.]

Eugh so you’re adding parental incest to the long list of morally dubious kinks here. You do realize there is no way for her to meaningfully consent, right? He has complete control over her life, her moral development, and her physiological and psychological needs. She can’t say no without immense personal risk and even if she could, he can condition her to think she can’t say no or have any other options.

[It is almost as Arceus send.]

Also, using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

In sum, I’m out.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12562857/1/A-little-bit-of-Gillyness

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Hm. I am cautiously optimistic about this. Most OT fic peters out because it just tries to follow the badge journey and therefore has no plot, but it seems you have an idea for a real story here. These threads may be helpful:

fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143106745/1/Things-to-Consider-in-OT-Fic

fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143363660/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-2

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12563068/1/The-Affection-of-Katsumi

[A trainer named Cato falls for his Gardevoir.But will this relationship work out?]

That depends on if he can treat her like a person. The standard trainer relationship is extremely unequal to start with: the trainer has complete control over the pokemon’s mobility and consciousness (pokeballs), as well as their physiological needs, and expects the pokemon to obey all orders without question. That’s a lot of stuff to overcome if you want to progress to an actually healthy relationship.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You need to look up what a prelude is. It’s not just another word for a first chapter.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12563096/1/Delta-Emerald-Chapter-1

[Now i don’t want this to sound too cheesy but I (like the unoriginal baby i am)]

Not capitalizing “I” makes me not want to read your story. This is the first thing your readers will see. Put some effort into it.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

And indeed, your author note is an accurate indication of what was to follow. Your story is a complete mess. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12563615/1/Gray

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

Are you not a native speaker? You’re having a lot of tense trouble, and it makes the story hard to follow. I recommend getting a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12562179/1/Delta-Emerald

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. What’s your plot? The end hints that there might be one, but we still have no details. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12563817/1/Delta-Emerald-Chapter-1

[So i did the best i could to “fix’ it.]

You need to either try harder or find a beta reader who can, because I see no difference between this and the previous draft. This is still an unreadable mess, only now it doesn’t even have a summary.

Seriously, put a bare minimum of effort into this. You have no excuse for not capitalizing “I”. But if you are confused on the finer points, this thread explains many common grammar problems:

fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12563950/1/Art-Of-Betrayal-Ash-Ketchum

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[(AN: Description courtesy of Bulbapedia)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is always a terrible idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

Also, that means this is plagiarism. Come up with your own descriptions instead of stealing another person’s work.

[5 Years Ago ( Flashback starts)]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12563881/1/A-Decadent-Path

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or commando. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[he has no longer a home to return to]

That should be “no longer has”.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[The Sect had been intelligent, headed by Cipher; they learned from their humiliating defeat at the Colosseum, and returned more formidable than ever. Assimilating both fanatic factions, the Pirates of Team Skull and the Devils of Team Magma]

Uh, what? Team Magma is a death cult and Team Skull is a bunch of useless kids with psychological issues. Assimilating the former is impossible and assimilating the former implies quite the opposite of intelligence. The only teams they would want are Rocket and maaaybe Galactic, but Galactic was also pretty stupid. The evil teams do not all have the same or even remotely compatible goals. Pay attention to what’s actually there.

[the other League’s]

You don’t need an apostrophe for plurals.

[The driving force had been the rangers of Fiore and Almia, whom constantly delegated a steady influx of elite strike teams to tear at the heart of the Sect; who in their final, desperate response, ravaged the lands of the illustrious Rangers.]

“Who”, also, what? How are the people who don’t train pokemon the most powerful soldiers ever?

Also, this is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. You’re really overusing semicolons in general; too many look awkward in prose writing.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You’re making a lot of errors in general. I strongly recommend getting a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[Krane eyed the man before him pointedly, taking in the athletic, muscled build, the elegantly lazy dressing attire and the attractive, regal features in the young man’s face]

So is Krane in love with him, or…?

[He effused]

You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[Pokémon were innately so much more than humans could ever be, their powers and abilities broke the laws of physics. Literally. They had to be re-written every time something else incredibly stupid and rule-breaking was accomplished by a Pokémon.]

That’s nonsense. In a world with magic, magic is part of their laws of physics. They break OUR laws of physics, but that shouldn’t mean anything to a pokeworld inhabitant unless you’re using the theory that pokeworld humans are crash-landed Earthlings. I suppose you could rule that pokemon just flat-out obey different laws of physics than the rest of the universe, but that seems really bizarre and handwavey.

[No ordinary rifle would take down a damned Charizard, not before it scorched you into ash. However an S-y100 assault rifle with a Steelix steel frame, shooting .30-06 HE voltaic rounds that repeatedly pierced the same exact location six consecutive times in the span of 1.5 seconds? Well, that just might.]

Or you could just use a blastoise. Why would their technology ever progress to an assault rifle when pokemon are so much more powerful and readily available?

[We know how to destroy, how to slaughter; how to leave wives bereft of their husbands, how to curse parents with the death of their children,]

No leaving husbands bereft of their wives? Are there no women soldiers?

[However, I am going for heavy realism here; why should a powerful Pokémon listen to a runt of a Trainer?]

I can think of a few reasons. Powerful pokemon always being disobedient even to the point of irrationality is not any more realistic than the reverse, keep in mind. In general, I’d advise you not to worry too much about realism – the whole concept seems a bit silly in a world with sapient ice cream cones, no? This is a fantasy story; if you need to make some unrealistic decisions to expedite the story, don’t sweat it.