Got a lot of stuff today! A Colosseum novelization, a misplaced Shin Megami Tensei fic, not one but two post-apocalyptic stories that aren’t crap, and a whole lot of really messed up stories about caught pokemon.

Also, someone actually uses “Arceusdamn”. I really thought that was a purely hypothetical example but no, fandom can always find a way to disappoint me further.

First, the trollfic I inspired a little while ago:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12568212/1/Threat-from-above

This is wonderful. Just a few things: your title isn’t fully capitalized, and you’re formatting dialogue incorrectly.

[the surprised Arceus]

You’re also keeping “Arceus” uncapitalized throughout the story, but you capitalize it here. Since you’re going with the idea that Arceus is a singular being instead of a species here, I’d say it’d make more sense to just say “Arceus” throughout instead of “an arceus”.

[the alfa pokemon]

And I think this should be “alpha”?

This is very funny, but I do wonder if it might be too dense. You cover a lot of different issues and cliches, but can only scratch the surface as a consequence.

[“God of gods you say? Well, did you prevent Opelucid City from getting frozen by those lunatics in the flying pirate ship a year ago?”

“No. I was sleeping. I just awakened.”

“What about three years ago? Did you stopped those terrorist that attacked the Pokemon League in an ambush with a freaking castle?”

“I was…”

“Or ages ago, when the two brothers, founders of Unova, fought? Their conflict was so bad that the most powerful dragon of the region split into two!”

“Sleeping.”]

For instance, while this is great, I feel it’s remiss to overlook the greatest sin of all: Arceus did nothing while Cyrus was using its creations to destroy the universe literally right under the Hall of Origin! Lazy, lazy Arceus. (I can understand this given the conceit that your protagonist is Unovan – but now that I think of it, it would be even funnier if they were Sinnohan.)

[Why would I want shiny pokemon? They are the same as the regular ones, but can’t hide because of all those bright colors. In a sense they are worse.]

And this seems like it’s kind of missing the issue – while it’s true that shinies serve no practical purpose, people DO want them regardless. A trainer should know they have value. (The real issue, especially combined with a “pokemon are people” setting, is that it makes trainers look incredibly shallow to care about it so much.)

As a list of fandom cliches, though, this is great. I particularly like that you bring up the pokemon-as-people problem, and the way the onlookers react to Arceus at the end. You are hideous, Arceus! Make a better body!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12567136/1/Ash-s-interest

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[5 Years Later…]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12567859/1/PJ-A-Diancie-Tale

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You need to make spaces after commas.

[ALOT]

It’s “a lot”, two words.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Reminder: if any of you have any suggestions on what Serena’s egg should be in the main story,please PM me your suggestions as it’ll help me make a list.]

Something this important should be planned in advance. Interactivity is also banned on this site.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12568409/1/The-legendary-champion-of-Kyoto

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Sinnoh – on a field]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

[why did u have to leave me?]

This is a mess. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12568153/1/Pokemon-Colosseum-Shadow-Snagger

[This game does not get much attention anymore so I wanted to do a fanfic based on the game while making a few changes here. No swearing here, but may contain violence and a darker theme.]

This information should go in your author’s note. The summary should be about the story itself.

[Also, the video game music titles will be listed in italics so you can play that song as you read.]

You really shouldn’t do this. It may seem like a good idea, but it’s just distracting.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[In the desert region known as Orre, there was a secret base hidden in a canyon. That base was home to Team Snagem, an evil organization that went around the region stealing Pokemon from their trainers. They did this by using snag machines which were originally big orange boxes with arms that shot out Poke balls, turning them into snag balls in the process in order to snag Pokemon.]

Opening the story with a dry infodump is an instant turnoff. What you have here is a summary, not a story. It’s okay to start in the middle of things and trickle information in as it becomes relevant, especially in a novelization where your audience already knows most of this.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[white stripe that went across his face, (either a tattoo or a really long bandage)]

Well, which is it? Don’t include your authoral musings in the story, that’s distracting.

[“…”]

This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.

[“That’s it? That’s all you want? What do you need a Teddiursa for?” Agrev questioned.]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

[Please bare with me]

You want “bear”. “Bare” means naked.

Pokemon Colosseum is my favorite Pokemon game as well, but I find this extremely disappointing. This reads like it was written for children; the narration spells out everything and the dialogue is extremely stilted, removing all feeling and nuance from the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12567664/1/SWAPR

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[our inquiry’s]

“Inquiries”. Apostrophes are not used to denote plurality.

[About 4 hours ago the Crown City Department Store was attacked by roughly 11, give or take a few, masked people]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters. That last part is also very awkwardly worded; you should generally pair descriptions with their nouns. “Eleven masked people, give or take a few” is easier to parse.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or police. Or human. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[We’ve already had 2 KIA officers and Pokemon apiece, patrolmen Lenison and Sumeragi along with their Luxio and Beautifly and we’re not about to send in any more to die for no good reason.]

This needs a comma after “Beatuifly”, and once again this is awkward. You seem to have a lot of trouble using asides naturally. I’d recommend reading your sentences aloud to make sure they sound natural.

[got their hands of firearms]

Typo.

[It also begs the question of how 11 people got ahold of guns, those things are extremely difficult to acquire, in fact it would probably be easier to get ahold of untraced Ultra Balls and Full Restores than it would projectile weapons…]

Ooh, that’s interesting. I’d assume the prevalence of pokemon would devalue guns, but that depends on their relative power. (“Ahold” is not a word, though; you want “a hold”.)

[The reporters excited words]

Forgot the possessive apostrophe. I think you need to proofread more thoroughly.

[it’s heavily armored chassis]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[Arceusdamn]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12571013/1/The-Hero-s-Saga-A-Hoenn-tale

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[most dangerous places on earth]

“Earth” should be capitalized here, since you’re referring to the planet as a whole.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[All these factors run through my head as don my desert goggles]

I think you dropped a word here.

[into it’s most treacherous area]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[The Dol Ruins are one of the most dangerous areas in Hoenn, nearly a mile underground they are notoriously difficult to reach unaided, not only that they are swarming with the dual rock-psychic type Pokemon of the Baydol tree.]

This is a run-on sentence.

Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.

[You might be asking yourself, is this kid crazy? Or maybe just dumb? Or maybe you’re too angry that I’m making you watch these memories from the start, to really care. Well suck it up, if you want these secrets you’re getting the WHOLE story.]

Well, I wasn’t angry before, but now I am.

You haven’t earned this. I know nothing about the narrator yet. You haven’t established who they are or why I should care about them. I am interested in learning that, but dragging the story to a screeching halt and delaying that information is just frustrating. If even your characters are whining about how you should get on with it, that is a sign you should *get on with it*.

[As an unlicensed Pokemon hunter there were many tricks to the trade. Without a Pokemon direct confrontation was impossible, as was maintaining any status effects directly, but creativity brought me my solution to these problems.]

Okay, wait a second.

My first thought here is, what’s so significant about being unlicensed? How is this any different from a licensed trainer who captures pokemon? Are there laws against that? If so, how are they enforced? Why is it still okay for trainers to potentially depopulate areas and/or release invasive species elsewhere but selling pokemon is where the government draws a line?

And if there’s no legal reason for this, then why is Protagonist unlicensed? They hand out trainer licenses like candy in the games, and as you point out, pokemon are really useful here.

[You see, aside from Cacnea, which weren’t really hot commodities on the market. Most of the Pokemon of the desert are rock or ground types. Sandshrew, Sandslash, Trapinch, and Baydol all fell into a category of types that just so happened to have a very accessible weakness. Water. High doses of water usually frightened them, high impact high doses with a little sleeping powder mixed in that I procured from a very friendly Oddish made for the perfect Pokemon catching tool.]

Unless they miss, or the sleeping powder doesn’t take, or the pokemon is too high-level to be stunned by such a weak attack, or if they get ambushed, in which case they are dead. Really – the first three you can maybe run from, but a psychic can kill you at range. Protagonist’s jury-rigging is very clever but pokemon are just too powerful and there’s too little room for error. If anything goes wrong, they have no defense.

[I pulled off my backpack and reached in pulling out two water balloons]

How are those still intact? If Protagonist trips or a pokemon attacks them those are all going to burst.

[I then took out a Great ball that I had spent a week’s earnings on]

Great balls cost 600 yen, which is less than 6 dollars.

[In a flash of brilliance or suicidal stupidity; I rushed the Baydol the second balloon in one hand the Great ball in the other.]

That semicolon should be a comma. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here.

[I smashed the balloon right into the markings where the eyes should have been with all my might.

When I say fast-acting, I mean fast-acting, the Oddish I procured the powder from was a friendly little plant that I had personally seen sedate a rampaging Bagon. So against the weaker Baydol, the poison took effect in seconds]

But they must have gotten some on themselves if they were that close. Why isn’t the sleep powder affecting them?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts.

[Watson had said true dragons like the Bagon and Dragonite line were bred for war and slaughter.

“No use in this peaceful time for dragon trainers. Those who raise them are bad omens.”]

That’s bull. The dratini line is peaceful, and the only organized group of dragon tamers we see in the games are a bunch of isolated weirdos. Possibly the more aggressive bagon line created a different culture in Hoenn, but the games give us no indication of this.

In general, this seems pretty ethnocentric of you. Pokemon dragons are very obviously based on the Japanese and Chinese models, which are extremely different from the European models and are more involved with ideals of spirituality and enlightenment. It’s not impossible that modern culture could warp that into a tool for war, but it would be a sign that something has gone very wrong.

This is certainly something different, and I like that you have stuff happen in the first chapter, as well as your dynamic description of the battle. But it still feels like a slow start. I still don’t know what the enigmatic summary refers to, or what the plot in general will look like. You also seem to be introducing a lot of worldbuilding details that haven’t yet been explained. It might have been a better idea to trim down the opening section with him in the desert so you could talk more about this tribe in the first chapter.

Also, you seriously need to learn better grammar, your sentence structure is a mess. This thread has explanations: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar

You can also look here for beta readers: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12568769/1/Through-a-Lycanroc

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or king. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Lycanroc breathed in]

That makes as much sense as you being named “Human”. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s ridiculous and confusing. Your characters deserve actual names.

[He snorted in agitation as the memory of Lunala’s influence transforming him into his current dark state resurfaced.]

This is awkward and unwieldy; you’re discussing too many actions at once.

[That’s all he was concerned about.]

This extends to “that is all he was concerned about”. Since the rest of the story is in past tense, this should be as well.

[Through a series of yips and growls he questioned the Pokémon,

“You have the same darkness in you as me, but why are you with this trainer?”]

Dialogue and the speaker’s actions should be in the same paragraph, for clarity. Also not sure if “questioned” is the verb you want here; it has a highly formal connotation, similar to “interrogated”.

[The black and red Pokémon looked down at him as if he was puny, the fire around his waist flared up once, then looked back at the trainer.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[full lips]

No one describes someone’s lips this way unless they are sexually attracted to them. Unless that is the direction this fic is going in, you should probably change this.

[She had even brown skin, the color of coffee with a cream]

While you’re at it, describing people in terms of food and flavors is slightly less suspicious, but not very.

[she sat down in front of him, close enough for him to easily slash her throat—the wolf Pokémon grinned at the thought but for some reason refrained from doing so.]

And that reason is…? What, are pokeballs mind control?

[“I’ve know that most Midnight Lycanroc have a love of fighting, but I’ve read that if Rockruff evolve into Midnight Lycanroc too early they can be very difficult and go on killing sprees for no reason because of them being unprepared for the darkness they inherit,”]

This is breathless. Read this out loud and you’ll see what I mean.

[She looked at him for confirmation, Lycanroc looked at the ground not wanting to admit it to this trainer, but that was all the girl needed.]

Why doesn’t he want to admit it? Why is he looking away? Does he feel ashamed and guilty? Why would he feel that way when this is how his species naturally behaves?

[“I know you want to be strong, I know you want power,” Adrian began to motion furiously with her hands to get her message across, “And I can help you achieve that! I see potential in you. I can see you being the King of your domains. All you have to do, is accept us as your comrades, accept us as your family, and accept your new mantle.”]

God that is so self-serving.

They’re not comrades. They’re not family. They are master and servant. The pokemon must obey their trainer, and the trainer can enforce this because they have absolute control over their movement (pokeballs) and physiological needs. This is a devil’s bargain. He’ll get power, yes, but he gives up his freedom and his dignity.

[“However if you don’t want to be a part of our family, I’ll release you, Lycanroc.”]

And this just makes it look like the universe revolves around the main characters. Even if she’s telling the truth, you just established that Lycanroc is a mass murderer and she knows this. Enabling that makes her a horrible person.

This is putting a surprising amount of emphasis on the pokemon’s point of view, but…

[“Well King, I am called Bandicai,” she got in his face and looked him dead in the eyes, “And if you ever dare to lay a hand on my trainer, King I will make every layer of skin fall off your body and feast upon you for days upon days.”]

[…]

[“I sure wouldn’t want to see all of your potential wasted because you crossed our trainer. Be smart, young one,”]

[…]

[“My name is Squidward! Just as all the others have said, don’t touch our trainer, she’s very important to us. Soon she’ll be like that to you, King. I wish you luck!”]

[…]

[“I am Vickavolt, sadly my Trainer’s only electric type Pokémon.]

…Everyone except King is just a cheerleader with no real personality or motives of their own, and the summary strongly implies King will end up this way by the end. Like, why does Vikavolt (couldn’t even give them a real name, really?) think it’s “sad” that they’re her only electric type? Would they like to socialize with other electrics, or is this a purely tactical consideration and they’re sad Adrian doesn’t have the perfect tactical arsenal? Why does everything revolve around the trainer? (Also, “Squidward”, really? That is the kind of name I would only have a trainer give if I was trying to make a point about how callous they were.)

I strongly recommend reading this: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142476358/1/Pokemon-Intelligence

And in general, your writing style is very dense and overwrought. You’re trying to cram a lot of information into each sentence, and it makes things feel very rushed and jumbled. You should really slow down and focus on conveying information more clearly – remember, sometimes less is more.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12568534/1/Five-Years

[eachother]

Is not a word. It’s always “each other”, two words.

[Yet, the Sky Guardian stepped in to stop the destruction. Despite it’s duties, it remained absent for this great conflict.]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”. Also, this is contradictory – it stepped in to stop the destruction, but also it didn’t?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

This is interesting, but rather short for an opening chapter. It might work better to merge this with your current second chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12568534/2/Five-Years

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[“My father said you could make me stronger.”

Surge stopped. There was a fire in the child’s voice, one that he hadn’t heard in years. A remaining spark in an otherwise desolate world.]

Ehhh, I don’t see it. Characters Just Knowing your protagonist is awesome is something you have to earn – you can’t just ask us to take it on faith right from the outset. Show, don’t tell. You expect me to believe there have been no other firebrand idealists in years? Why is this particular kid different? What’s so special about him?

[“Damn,” he thought to himself, “That kid. He just doesn’t seem to know when to quit.”]

Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud. You also don’t italicize intervening narration.

[“K-kit, sir.”]

Since that’s a name, the stutter should also be capitalized.

If you use horizontal lines to separate your author’s notes, you should use a different marker for scene transitions; otherwise, your notes can look like part of the story.

[He was still the Lt.]

That makes as much sense as saying you’re going to the Dr.’s. Titles must be spelled out when they’re not appended to names.

This chapter feels fragmentary, especially because you’re jumping perspectives so much. I think it would be better if you stuck to one point of view, as that would give us more time to become invested in the viewpoint character. Some more description would be nice – post-apocalyptic is a long sliding scale, and I’d have a better idea of the state of civilization if I had more information about what the city looked like. Have they been able to make new buildings and technology, or is everything scavenged? How badly damaged are the buildings? What’s their population density and their level of food supplies? These questions are important.

Relatedly, I’m finding myself questioning how anything survived. Presumably Kyogre and Groudon killed each other before either could succeed, but if their battle went on long enough to affect the whole world, it should have done a lot of damage. The climate and geography should be totally changed in ways that would render a lot of areas uninhabitable, yet Vermillion City is still standing in some capacity? It wasn’t sunken or scorched to desert? This reads like your garden-variety nuclear apocalypse, where buildings and populations are damaged but the land itself is still there. Kyogre and Groudon’s conflict would be far worse.

I am also leery of the fact that you seem to be pushing your protagonist towards the standard badge quest despite the nonstandard setup. A collection of arbitrary milestones just isn’t as interesting, especially in a world where they should no longer mean anything. I do hope you have a real plot in mind beyond just “get stronger”, because I’d much prefer to see Kit engage with that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12571703/1/The-World-Tournament

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[{flashback}]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or tournament trophy. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12572596/1/Another-Generic-Pokemon-Harem-Story

[Fuck this summary. If you’re actually interested, check it out.]

No. People should not have to give you unearned hits just to see what the story is about. Take two minutes to make a summary.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is not nearly as clever or amusing as you think it is. Trolling is supposed to be entertaining. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12573446/1/Ms-Mienshao-s-Academy-For-Troubled-Pokemon

[Welcome to my second book! Please submit a POKEMON OC if you can because at the moment, I… only have 2 characters]

That’s a sign you jumped the gun and need to plan out your story better. Read this: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-OCs

I would submit a character anyway… but this has nothing to do with Pokemon. Your characters are all acting exactly like humans – and you must know how ridiculous that is when you’re pointing out things like [she put in her earbuds (Even though Misdreavus have no ears)]. If you want to write about a magic school setting, just do that, don’t insist it’s totally Pokemon. That’s really inconsiderate to the people who are here for fanfiction that actually engages with the source material.

You’re also making a lot of grammatical errors. You should get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12573440/1/1-2-3-4-5-000

Why are you capitalizing every word? This is impossible to follow. Are you not a native speaker?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12573794/1/One-Shots

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Non-story chapters (and for that matter, interactive stories) are banned on this site. All your chapters need to include story content.

Also, not capitalizing “I” makes me not want to read your story. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12573869/1/Blood-for-Blood

You need to learn how to use commas. Visit a grammar website or get a beta reader from here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, underquotes aren’t used in English. Are you not a native speaker? I strongly recommend writing in your native language instead. You’re making a lot of errors that make the story incomprehensible.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12573949/1/Grand-Arcanum

[OR: PokeSpe, in a sword-and-sorcery setting. Probably just gonna be a one-shot.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[“Magic is, for all that the word might evoke images of chanted words and elaborate rituals,” Red skimmed off the page,]

It’s really awkward to interrupt exposition like this, especially in the very first line. It’s fine to just show the whole thing and note that Red was reading it in the next paragraph.

[Whether it is phrased as the second law of thermodynamics, or the principle of equivalent exchange, the fact remains the same: Work Requires Energy.]

That shouldn’t be capitalized, also that’s the first law, not the second. The second law is that entropy constantly increases.

[For magic, this energy is derived directly from the soul.]

Which now makes this very awkward. This is a common trope, but if you want to say this is physics-compliant I’m going to hold you to a higher standard. If magic is bound by the laws of thermodynamics, soul energy isn’t an infinite resource, and drawing power out of your soul starts to look really dangerous. How is soul energy replenished? Can it be replenished? What effect does losing soul energy have on a person, why isn’t everyone using magic constantly? If energy can be neither created nor destroyed, it can’t just be continually regenerated out of nothing like in a video game.

(And since you brought it up, there is the consideration of the second law, which states that no energy transformation can be perfect. If soul energy is a high energy form like electricity – and it must be, if it can generate lightning bolts, i.e. electrical energy – it’s difficult to restore, and magic once again starts looking pretty impractical.)

[It’s partly for this reason that some instances of this text will refer to magic as the Spiritual Arts, and to science as the Material Arts.]

That’s nonsense. There’s no reason for a distinction in a world where magic is real and obeys scientific laws; it would just become another field of physics. Quantum physics is hardly “material arts” anyway.

[That brief overview now covered, the rest of this book will focus on covering a single magical discipline with each and every page, and detailing how to conduct it.]

Anything that can be adequately taught in a single page can hardly be called a “discipline”. How is this even possible? Every discipline requires the exact same amount of explanation? That’s nonsense. I believe the word you want is “chapters”.

[Pyrokinesis on page twenty-five, hydrokinesis on page twenty-six, terrakinesis and aerokinesis on the following two.]

Because nothing says hard science like Classical elements.

[summoning a beast from a distant place on this plane could potentially backfire if he had not enough soul energy and consume his bodily energy too until nothing remained of him.]

But losing all your soul energy has no other consequences? Just what exactly is it doing? Does it exist only for magic?

[Only more risky would be to summon a creature from another plane, like Heaven or Hell.]

If Heaven and Hell exist, the Christian mythos (or more accurately, a very warped and mistranslated interpretation of the Christian mythos) is the true model of reality. The Christian mythos also says that no other planes exist. It is quite explicit on this point: there is no god but God. Christianity is aggressively monotheistic; it is fundamentally incompatible with any other magical setting. You can’t have both Planescape and Christianity. Pick one.

[the Bull of Heaven]

Okay so you are doing a kitchen sink setting, but also there is only one Heaven and only one Hell? Kitchen sink settings do not actually make a lot of sense. Different mythologies are not very compatible. Think about what you’re doing.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This has nothing to do with Pokemon. This reads like a Shin Megami Tensei fic where you’ve given your OCs the names of Pokemon characters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12574309/1/Shadow-Sneak

[I’ve decided to call this pairing IsolationShipping because cool sounding ship names, amiright?]

Urgh, no, just call ships by the character names like every other fandom. This is needlessly confusing. Please, let the madness end.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or form. Or legendary. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[who was in her Origin Forme at the moment]

This should be self-evident. Giratina can’t control its forms, they’re a natural reaction to the world it’s in.

[the rest of the Legendaries]

Not a meaningful group identity. That’s a classification system humans made up for them, but there’s no indication there is any true connection between them. Different legendaries have wildly differing power levels and mythological origins, and many of them are implied to simply be rare but ordinary beasts, not gods. Darkrai, in particular, seems to be a random thing with no connection to anything else except maybe Cressilia. We don’t know where it came from, so it could very well just be an ordinary pokemon with weird powers – psychic pokemon are capable of similar feats, after all. If it is a god it’s a minor one; the power to cause nightmares isn’t even in the same league as the power to control time.

For that matter, I’m unclear how Darkrai is even talking to Giratina. If Giratina is in origin form, it’s in the Distortion World, which is cut off from the rest of the world. It’s unclear if it’s even possible to cross over without Giratina opening a portal itself. Darkrai’s typical outgoingness shouldn’t register as much as the fact that anyone is going through so much effort to contact Giratina in the first place.

Basically, this doesn’t seem to have much with Pokemon canon. I’m not familiar with the Mystery Dungeon games so maybe you’re working off their characterizations, but this still reads a lot like a conversation between OCs with the names of canon characters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12574749/1/Start-of-a-story

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

[Just fucking read it asshole.]

How about no. Write a real summary if you want people to read it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12574336/1/Impressive

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

This is cute. I’m glad Lucian is decent enough to not actually beat up a baby.

[It’s also my personal headcanon that all legendaries have genders, but can’t breed in the gameverse. So yeah. Dialga’s male.]

Any particular reason for that?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12574752/1/The-holy-book-of-Arceus

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

Non-story chapters (and interactive stories) are banned on this site. Don’t do this.

Not capitalizing “I” makes me not want to read your story. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12575752/1/Rebuilding-The-Tale-of-the-Sinnoh-League

[The Four Cataclysms brought devastation…and pokémon. Ezra taught history most of his life, but now it’s time to write a new chapter. Bertha’s no stranger to roughing it, but foxes didn’t breathe fire before. Fantina’s always wanted to be more than a model, and now her chance is here. In a brand new world, pokémon are the only way to rebuild and forge peace. 50 years before D/P.]

This should be a model on how to write an effective summary in FFN’s limited character space. I’m interested in the story already. Excellently done.

[First came the war; North Korea made good on its threats and launched a missile at the US.]

That should be a full colon, I think. Also, I’m not sure if that’s “in-character” for North Korea, so to speak – they are a lot more intelligent than they pretend to be, and are smart enough to know that they cannot survive an actual war.

But God knows we don’t need yet another fic with pages upon pages of narration about World War III full of dubious political reasoning, so I’m fine with assuming there was probably more politicking involved but it ultimately didn’t matter so we don’t need to know about it.

[Animals and plants, and humans who strayed too near the rifts became…something else.]

This sounds a little awkward. “And humans” should probably use a different conjunction, like “as well as…”, and as it’s an aside, it needs a closing comma after “rifts”.

And if I’m reading this correctly, this is saying that some pokemon are transformed humans? That just makes their enslavement even more awkward. If it was just animals I can see how people wouldn’t realize they got higher intelligence until trainer culture was too firmly entrenched, but why were people so quick to turn around and start enslaving transformed humans?

[an Ultimate Weapon]

You’re doing good at not capitalizing pokemon, but this shouldn’t be either.

[Pokémon were the only hope left, and bases and groups worldwide coordinated to carefully generate a counter shockwave as the asteroid hit North America.]

Ah, that actually does explain why New York is the only part of America we’ve seen.

[When the crater became safe to explore, we found that it contained pokémon stronger than any documented so far, which eventually gained the title “legendaries.”]

Eh… I really doubt that title would naturally occur in-universe. It’s such an awkward shorthand and so obviously a slang invented by video game players. We don’t refer to gods by slang terms, at least not on a widespread scale.

There’s also the fact that the reason they’re called “legendary pokemon” in the first place is because they are literally the stuff of legends (they’re also called “mythical pokemon” by official media). If they all originated from the same recent, perfectly explicable event, I don’t think there would be such mysticism surrounding them. They’re just be called super or uber pokemon.

Likewise, this raises the question of why they ARE considered gods in the present day, unless this is an AU where they aren’t. Even if we assume Yveltal’s thousand year life cycle thing is made-up nonsense, the Hoenn, Sinnoh, and Unova pantheons are consistently believed to be ancient, with the former two even claiming creation myths. Why does anyone believe that if their real origin is common knowledge?

[Governments still exist, more or less, but in reality they’re a joke. The real power comes from pokémon. What are guns worth when they don’t do more than annoy half the species around, and when a few people can carry an army in their pockets? No, government pales in comparison to the gangs, or “teams” as they like to call themselves, who roam the region and terrorize wherever they see something to take.]

But that immediately begs the question of why governments don’t do the same. Given your closer I presume that’s what the story is going to be about, but there must have been a very long time between the rifts and the asteroid if society managed to not only recover to current technological levels but surpass it. That’s just not possible without, at the very least, strong law enforcement.

Basically, the game world is so utopian and so high-tech that I’m not sure it can believably work as post-apocalyptic, at least not so soon after the disaster. The regions are remarkably stable and advanced societies for places that were complete anarchy 50 years prior.

Anyway! This is a good opening and I like that you stuck to relevant information, but I feel like you should have uploaded the first chapter at the same time. This prologue tells us what the story will be about in general terms but not what it’s actually like (who are the main characters, what is the plot going to be, etc).

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12575913/1/Linkers-Book-1-Inhuman

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Ilex Forest, Johto]

This isn’t a comic book. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

[Despite common belief, Weedle are not just weak, cutesy bug Pokemon. Large amounts of their venom is known to be fatal]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Hoen]

Typo.

[“Alright, ummm, you already know Fly, right?” The fruit Pokemon moaned an affirmative. “Right, good… Now I just need to figure out how to ride you.”]

How has this not come up before? Is this his first outing with the tropius?

[Trey’s arm trembled. He was a trainer, but he was also a researcher. Could he let this guardian of the forest save its ward, as it clearly had revealed itself to do, without catching it first? He’d never caught a Pokemon before, but in its weakened condition this could be his one chance to catch a Pokemon so rare people considered it a fairytale.]

Wow I have just lost all sympathy. He is placing a pokemon in danger – possibly multiple, since Celebi was clearly in the middle of something important – for… what, exactly? Pride? And unless he plans to release it immediately, this is more than just a small diversion, as Celebi will be bound to his service forever.

[Broken bones and bruised muscles, the Pokemon was permanently immobilized.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[Despite its rarity, Celebi is in many ways the same as other Pokemon and Trey was able to locate its pulse.]

Celebi is a plant. There are pokemon that are literally nothing but giant rocks. Pokemon are extremely weird. There’s no reason to assume any consistency in pokemon biology.

[He had the perfect opportunity to capture this cryptid.]

Celebi isn’t a cryptid. It’s a god. If you’re trying to show this guy is a pampered city slicker with no respect for the native culture then good job, but you have him acting reverential towards it immediately after this, so I doubt that’s what you intended.

[Something had put a beat down on the time-traveling, ancient forest defender.]

This sentence is an overwrought mess (you’re abusing epithets), also it’s “beatdown”, one word.

[Climb on your companion and follow me, it said.]

[…]

[Celebi finally stopped. When Trey caught up with him]

Is Celebi an “it” or a “him”? You have to be consistent about these things.

[It was not very large, half-a-dozen boys Trey’s size would have had difficulty fitting within it, but it was none the less beautiful.]

Comma splice, and you want “half a dozen”, no hyphens, and “nonetheless”, one word. You’re making enough errors that I recommend you get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[“Wait a moment,” said Trey. “I trust Tropius with my life, but he’s only level eighteen. Do you really think he can handle whatever handed you your ass?”

Celebi bristled. We may be allies at this time, human, but you should watch how you speak to a Guardian of the Forest. And your Pokemon will do as I require, which in this case means buying us time.]

Celebi is really not that strong. The GS Ball event only spawns it at level 30, and going by the anime, it’s constantly running away from even weak opponents. Its powers aren’t well-suited for combat.

[Trey clenched his fist. “Okay, I get you’re a super-powerful Pokemon, but that does not give you the right to use mine as a pawn. If you’re going to get one of us killed anyway, I’ll take my chances with the monster.”]

It’s cute that he’s willing to kill himself in a meaningless symbolic gesture, but this is so idiotic it shouldn’t even be dignified with a response. If he’s worried that a pokemon can’t handle the threat, what does he plan to do as a squishy human?

[My name is Karen Ketchum]

And now I see this was a waste of my time. I know too little of the anime to read anime fic. To avoid this problem in the future, find your story under “Manage Stories” and select “Anime” from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Good job on not only making an actual prologue but including an actual first chapter with it, though.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12576116/1/The-Journey-of-Chosen-One-Kanto-Arc

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[At age of eight Ash get some gifts and and a task from Arceus read how it shake the Pokémon world. Will have lemons, and some rapes.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[Strong Ash, Aura Ash, Semi-Dark Ash, Grey Ash.]

If you hate Ash so much, write an OC instead of something wearing Ash’s skin as a suit.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

This is completely incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12575229/1/Caught

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

You’re bouncing between past and present tense. This is extremely jarring and disorienting. You need to pick one and stick with it.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Burner are you ok?” The trainer questioned]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

Also, “questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

The battle feels stiff and mechanical, like they’re just exchanging blows one after the other like in the games. A real battle should feel more dynamic than that. I encourage you to use your imagination and come up with tactics outside of the game mechanics.

[My mother used to tell me about ships in the ocean that would rock back and forth, but never tip over, never stop sailing through water.

I always wondered what the sea would look like.]

That just raises the question of how his mom knows about the ocean. Wild pokemon don’t travel much. Is the idea supposed to be that she was a trained pokemon who was later released?

[From outside, I hear voices, fainter but still audible.

“Oh yeah Burner! We caught a male nidoran!”]

So pokemon are fully conscious while in pokeballs? That is the stuff of nightmares, and makes pokemon training morally abhorrent by default. Restraint and forced consciousness are literally forms of torture. You expect me to be okay with the revelation that this is what our lovable protagonist is putting his buddies through on a constant basis?

[The charmander with whom I battled, who would now be my friend.]

Oh right, and I had almost forgotten the fact that you better hope you can get along with the other pokemon on the team, because you have no other social life now. It’s pretty optimistic of him to assume the charmander will want to be his friend, or be the kind of person he will want to be friends with.

[“How does ‘Toxo’ sound, Burner?]

Doesn’t the nidoran, as a social creature capable of language, have his own, less stupid name? Even if he does, he should object to this. Wouldn’t you feel annoyed at an alien nicknaming you Hair On Top of Head?

[Time became an alien thing inside the ball. As long as I was paying attention to the outside world, time passed normally, just as it should, but as soon as I let my mind wander, seconds became hours.]

Alright, I’ll grant that this is a bit better than the alternative. But it only cranks the horror down from “Kafkaesque” to “terrifying”. You’ve given no indication that pokemon can open the ball from the inside, so they still have no say in when they will experience this and for how long. Their mobility still exists totally at the whim of their captor. Imagine how you would feel in this situation. Would you be okay with this?

[“Thank you for waiting,” Came from a soft feminine voice.]

Why would he recognize the voice as feminine? Can you tell the difference between the voices of male and female hedgehogs? What’s obvious to one species won’t necessarily be obvious to others.

[I never had my own name before, yet somehow, it fit, and it gave me a sense of pride I had never felt as a wild pokemon, a sense of identity and purpose.]

He is a social creature with language. How does he not have a name? And if he’s lived his whole life without one before, it shouldn’t mean anything to him now.