[25] The Other Pokereviews, Part 81

Some mildly interesting stuff today: a journeyfic with a pokemon professor, and a fluffy romance fic with the pairing Ash/Arceus. Yes, I’m just as confused as you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12743142/1/Memoirs-of-a-Pok%C3%A9mon-Watcher

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Silence spurred across the area]

I don’t think “spurred” can be used that way; it means something is being driven, not just that something is moving. “Moved” or perhaps “raced” sounds more like what you’re going for.

[too uncanny to not be noticed]

The negative here sounds awkward; “to go unnoticed” might be better.

[Several howls echoed through the forest in different areas, the grass rustled, and an Absol could be seen staring at the place from a precipice; in an instant, the peaceful night had turned into a hunting ground.]

The semicolon feels off here. The sentences don’t have much to do with each other.

[It didn’t give up, however, as it glowed brightly after using a move that left it a bit exhausted.]

This sounds awkward to me. I’m having some trouble parsing the last clause, and the lengthiness of the sentence undercuts the tense tone.

[Its body shone turned to white]

Something went wrong here.

[and then it disappeared, no trace of its existence. It reappeared near a Poochyena and barreled into it with full force, knocking the air out of the surprised Poochyena’s lungs.]

That should be “leaving no trace of its existence”, and I’m confused what move this is. Quick Attack? Feint Attack?

[The Linoone wove in through the attacks; twisting, side-stepping and leaping to dodge their well-coordinated attacks.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. A comma would suffice here, and would facilitate the tense, quick tone of the scene to boot.

[a shadow loomed over its body as a Mightyena bit on its neck]

This is saying that the shadow looming and the mightyena biting are happening at the same time. It sounds like this is supposed to be a sequence of events, in which case you should use “and” rather than “as”.

[Blood flowed from the inflicted wound, as it turned motionless.]

Careful with pronouns: when you introduce new objects, they can become ambiguous. It took me two reads to be certain the “it” referred to the linoone rather than the wound.

[Perhaps the Linoone could have escaped if it wasn’t for the stat boost through Howl, which had increased the power of Bite.]

This is really jarring to me. You did such a good job of showing a dynamic, naturalistic battle not bound by game mechanics. Such mechanical talk feels discordant. Going by the move descriptions, there are logical reasons why stat moves cause stat changes; narrowing them down to specific stat boosts is just a gameplay abstraction.

This was a good snippet. I like stuff with naturalistic pokemon, and the battle was nicely described.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12743638/1/Freedom-Dive

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon. However, you shouldn’t capitalize the word “pokemon” itself, for the same reasons.

[Things were being set up.. For something.]

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

When an ellipses doesn’t end a sentence, the following part shouldn’t be capitalized.

[“Everything is coming together.” Said an espeon]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes your dialogue impossible to follow.

[“What is all this for dad?”]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one. A comma is also needed before a direct address.

You sentence construction is really strange, and you’re jumping between past and present tense, which is extremely confusing. Are you not a native speaker? I strongly recommend getting a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

Even by the standards of AUs, I don’t see what this has to do with Pokemon. Your pokemon characters are all acting exactly like humans; if you change the names and remove the references to animal parts (or, heck, keep them and say they’re animal people), you could publish this as original fiction. I strongly recommend doing so. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12743741/1/Faded-Colors

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes your dialogue impossible to follow.

[who just so happened to be one of the problematic students in the whole entire school]

I think you want that to be “one of the most…”

Opening the story with excessive physical description is an instant turnoff. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

[When he got a good look at the girl who was repeated apologizing he was mesmerized by her looks, what the fuck is she doing in this school, a Weavile this hot should be a model. She was at least 5’4 feet tall was skinny yet had the curves in all the right places, she wore tight jeans, a white oversized hoodie, and white skate shoes.]

This is not Pokemon fanfiction. Your pokemon characters not only act exactly like humans, they LOOK like humans. If you want to write a slice-of-life high school story, that’s great, but please don’t emboss serial numbers on and claim it’s Pokemon fic, that’s really inconsiderate to the people who are searching for fanfiction. Original fiction goes on Fictionpress or Archive of Our Own.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12743777/1/Future-See

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[(A/N: Okay, I made this up because, during Ash’s battle against Alain in the Kalos League, Ash-Gruninja used a huge golden colored water shurican, so, I named it Golden Water Shurican!)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12744113/1/Why-her

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12744193/1/Ash-s-Amazing-Pokemon-Journey

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[This is a story about ash a trainer and an aura user who is flame bonded with his starter and they travels through all regions to become the very best at last he’ll battle his father Sun champion of alola to become a champion.]

If you want to write about an OC, just write about an OC, don’t insist they’re wearing Ash’s skin as a suit.

This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12744500/1/Through-the-Years-Season-7-The-Kalos-League

Huh, you actually succeeded at one of those “continuous journey through all the regions” epics? That’s pretty impressive. Unfortunately, there still doesn’t seem to be much in the way of plot, at least this chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12744516/1/You-re-Just-Like-Us

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[The coldness had felt mild to begin with, the streets full of pitying strangers who were more than happy to throw a few coins in my direction. But the longer I had been out on the streets, the more the cold began to affect me, and the harsh bite of the winter wind easily tore through my tattered clothes, numbing my face and leaving my limbs in a constant state of frozen pain. I am almost tempted to put my hat back on my head, but the hope of hearing the jingle of a stranger parting with spare change was enough to keep me from wearing the worn hat. I knew that today would be no different than any other; instead of money I would receive averted gazes and grumblings of me being a nuisance as the passers by tried to avoid someone in such a desperately pathetic state as mine. To be fair, some people did try to at least look sympathetic, but I could easily see through their facade to the disgust lying underneath.]

This seems oddly dismal for Pokemon. Their society appears to be post-scarcity, and the pokecenters appear to hold free housing for trainers. Even in our real, much less advanced society, we have child protective services and similar organizations to take care of homeless kids. Why doesn’t this person have access to any of that?

[it’s soft face]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[I don’t think officer Nanu]

When a title (such as “officer”) is appended to a name, it’s capitalized.

[his accomplices arms]

Missing apostrophe.

[They were members of that… Team.]

When an ellipses doesn’t end a sentence, the following part shouldn’t be capitalized.

[I wasn’t a thief..]

The ellipses is missing a period here.

This seems a bit out of character for Team Skull. They’re heavily implied to come from similar circumstances as the narrator, and they’re only ever seen menacing island challengers and adults. I could see them doing this if the narrator refused to join them, but it’s odd they didn’t try to recruit them first.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12744692/1/Rumble-at-Kala-e-Bay

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[According to the research Magnolia had done before traveling to Alola, Grubbin’s evolution, Charjabug, tended to evolve into Vikavolt when exposed to special magnetic fields. So Magnolia had promised Fermi that she would help him find that field.]

This is sweet. It’s nice to see pokemon getting something out of the trainer relationship.

Magnolia seems like a very nice person, and it’s cool to see a professor going on a journey instead of a regular trainer.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12744823/1/Take-Some-Time-Away

[LINE BREAK]

Looks like you forgot to include an actual line here.

This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12745400/1/The-Battle-Academy

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or academy. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12745594/1/Domestic

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Arceus who lays primly beside him while it nuzzles him. This Arceus looks carefree and totally relaxed, with its limbs sprawled and its neck stretched out.]

I’m trying to picture this and I just can’t. Arceus’ wheel is gigantic and rather precludes any possibility of laying down like a normal animal, unless it’s collapsible or ethereal or something. (It sure looks pretty solid though.)

That was bizarre.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12745686/1/Recruitment

xReader fic can be considered interactive, which is against the rules of this site, so this may be taken down without warning. It’s also just generally not very good at being what it tries to be; I recommend doing this with an OC instead.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or region. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12745768/1/Aloha-to-me

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. This should go in your author’s note above your first chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12745919/1/Lilly-s-Story-Wrath-of-The-Chairman

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[a female in a hooded cloak]

You really, really should not use “male” or “female” as epithets. It sounds incredibly awkward. Use epithets that are actually relevant to the character.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Opening your story with an infodump is a turnoff. This early on, you should get us invested in the story by describing the action and characters. Relevant information can be introduced later as it comes up. This is also just generally a jumble; you need to slow down and focus on what you really want to say. Try getting a beta reader here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12746023/1/Pokedex-with-Professor-Ella

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. Put this in your author’s note above your first chapter.

However, I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12746023/2/Pokedex-with-Professor-Ella

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Her large DD breasts were just as perky and her pink nipples were erected.]

Extremely clinical and technical descriptions are pretty much the opposite of sexy. She is a person, describe her as such.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12746114/1/A-tour-in-Pallet-Town-Ranch

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12746157/1/Your-Remains

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Try to distract anyone who get’s too close, got it?]

The apostrophe isn’t necessary here.

I’m not sure what the point of this was. It just seems like a lot of random grimdark with no connection to anything.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12746183/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-OneShots

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[“Pika… Chu?! (Hey… Wha-?!)”]

Writing out both pokespeech and translation just looks really bizarre. You can just write the translation, since from their perspective, they should be able to understand it here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12746645/1/War-On-The-Bidoof-s

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Why are you italicizing your narration?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

A string of random stuff happening is not actually that amusing. Focus on what you’re actually trying to say with this story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12746870/1/Anthro-paradise

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[(Flashback begin)]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[Ash spoke angrily,]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12748084/1/My-Version-of-Ash-s-Pokemon-Journey

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[This is my first story so it probably won’t be amazing. This story is my version of Ash’s journey, where he and his companions catch more Pokemon and a slightly different events. Ash isn’t a psychic in this story but he will learn to use Aura.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Your author’s notes should not be bigger than your chapter, seriously. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12748229/1/Pokemon-Celery-and-Buffalo-Wing

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

This doesn’t work in prose. If you want to make a video game so bad, make a video game. Don’t try to force your ideas into a medium they’re not suited for.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12748229/2/Pokemon-Celery-and-Buffalo-Wing

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. Again, this really does not seem like the correct venue for what you’re trying to do.

[It also detects obscenities spelled (and sometimes misspelled) in reverse as well as words that might upset a stereotypical SJW. For example, the word ‘cup’ is banned because if you spell it out, it sounds like “see you pee.” ‘Mug’ is also banned because it’s a term for robbing someone at knife or gunpoint. Another reason those words are banned is because there are people who think Cuphead is racist and ableist.]

Even by the standards of the most absurd tumblrites, that sounds more like a caricature of SJWs than any “stereotypical” one.

Jokes aren’t funny if you have to explain them. I’m not sure what you’re trying to do here.

10 Comments

  1. CrazyEd says:

    what the fuck is she doing in this school, a Weavile this hot should be a model

    Beauty doesn’t get you out of compulsory education, either. Also, an oversized hoodie would tend to cover all the curves in right places she may or may not have.

    Extremely clinical and technical descriptions are pretty much the opposite of sexy.

    And yet, when I tried to write deliberately unerotic pornography, I neglected any such clinical descriptions. I really, really should’ve thought of that! Goddamn, I am a terrible writer.

    Ash isn’t a psychic in this story but he will learn to use Aura.

    There really needs to be a “tell us what the story is about, not what you expect it will eventually be about” rule. Does anybody ever, for example, decide to read a fic involving their favourite ship if it has the word “eventual” in front of the ship tag?




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    1. Does anybody ever, for example, decide to read a fic involving their favourite ship if it has the word “eventual” in front of the ship tag?

      Yes. Do not underestimate the shippers. They consume all.

      For other things, I am less certain.




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      1. CrazyEd says:

        But the story doesn’t even include their ship!

         Goddamn it fanfiction people. Man, I should just find the most popular ships in AO3’s ASOIAF tag and put “eventual” in front of it and get all the views!




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        1. Oh yeah, if you want attention, latching onto the most popular ships is the way to go. Everyone knows that. Just be prepared for people to constantly nag you about when the ship is showing up — they’ll read it, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be happy!




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          1. CrazyEd says:

            The mindset of fandom people is entirely alien to me, and I hope it forever will be.




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            1. Eh, really? This seems pretty straightforward to me. Shipping is usually very emotionally motivated. People don’t have to care about the specifics to enjoy their faves interacting and being fluffy or whatever. The ones who are into, like, deep character studies might have more discerning tastes, but they’re not everyone. And the rarer your preferred pairing is, the more deseprate you’ll be for any content at all, or even the promise of content. You ever see that tumblr meme of “I reach the end of the fanfiction archive, sigh, and go through again with lower standards”?




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            2. CrazyEd says:

              People don’t have to care about the specifics to enjoy their faves interacting and being fluffy or whatever.

              Except they’re still not getting that. They’re reading something with the promise that, at some nebulous point in time, they will also get to do that. Why not just wait until the “eventual X/Y” tag becomes the “X/Y” tag? Who the fuck knows!

              And the rarer your preferred pairing is, the more deseprate you’ll be for any content at all, or even the promise of content.

              And yet, I’m sure I’ll get the exact same response if I do it with the most popular ship that has absolutely no problem with a lack of material.

              You ever see that tumblr meme of “I reach the end of the fanfiction archive, sigh, and go through again with lower standards”?

              Nope, and frankly, I can’t understand it. As interested you are in a pairing, is it really worth it to be so emotionally invested in fictional characters that you’ll read a fic where the characters don’t remotely act like they do in canon, in a completely different setting to canon, just because the characters in that fic have the same names as the ones you like?




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            3. As interested you are in a pairing, is it really worth it to be so emotionally invested in fictional characters that you’ll read a fic where the characters don’t remotely act like they do in canon, in a completely different setting to canon, just because the characters in that fic have the same names as the ones you like?

              If the fics we review here are anything to go by, yes!

              If I were to try to psychoanalyze this one, I’d postulate that these fans are so enmeshed in fanon that they prefer the fanonized skinsuit characters to the canon ones. Farla may have a better theory.

              Edit: Oh, also, I never said they’d read your “eventual” fic thoroughly. I see a lot of reviews that are just “hey can you include this pairing at some point” and nothing else. It’s likely they just see a pairing and skim for the bits they want.




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            4. Farla says:

              Why not just wait until the “eventual X/Y” tag becomes the “X/Y” tag? Who the fuck knows!

              Actually, this is one way shippers are actually being far more rational than most. They understand that if they don’t review, the story is more likely to be dropped and never reach any “eventual”. They also know that, since reviews are important, if the “eventual” pairing doesn’t seem to get interest and enough people say they’re here in the hopes it’s eventual Y/Z, the pairing may change.

              Now, in addition, many shippers view number of fics featuring their pairing vs number featuring the opposing pairing/any pairing as a way of telling who’s winning. Since they’re again aware that reviews encourage writers, whichever fics get more reviews will get more copycat fics. Therefore, if they spam every single fic of the right pairing with reviews, their pairing will win. (What they’re winning depends on fandom – sometimes it’s continued generation of fic with their preferred pairing, sometimes it’s fic of their preferred pairing by the preferred writers, sometimes it’s about keeping the writers from hopping to an entirely new and more reviewy fandom, and sometimes people believe amount of fic in some way loops back to canon where if they prove there’s a big enough demand the pairing will happen in canon and then they win. (Also, some, while acknowledging the showrunners want nothing to do with fanfic, think that whatever pairing is most popular proves it’s the most natural and correct reading of canon and also they’re really invested in arguing their pairing is endgame.)

              As interested you are in a pairing, is it really worth it to be so emotionally invested in fictional characters that you’ll read a fic where the characters don’t remotely act like they do in canon, in a completely different setting to canon, just because the characters in that fic have the same names as the ones you like?

              So, yes. By supporting everything (including the crap) you make it so more total fic is produced, which in turn gives you a better chance at reading goodfic. Now, this can backfire because authors are a prickly and self-important bunch, so the good authors might get in a huff that their masterpieces get the same response as the drek, but assuming a mix of reviewers, the blindly supportive shippers give you the volume, the review everything that isn’t unreadable crap will give more range, and the more discerning readers give the best authors higher numbers. Shippers will also reward authors who do best at indicating the pairing each chapter with more reviews or even duplicate reviews (and also by telling others to read it), while abandoning those who aren’t progressing in tht direction.

              There’s also the fact that there’s rarely fics that bear absolutely no resemblence on any axis. It’s sort of like reading Dresden Files because of the cool thoughts you happen to have while encountering random elements, rather than because the story by itself is a complete work. Many people “fix” stories as they’re reading them and then claim the story itself was a good work.

              It’s also possible they never liked the canon setup and preferred the riffed version. This is where you get complaints about migratory fandom, where people are really just writing an agreed upon set of traits that get various different names. I’m not entirely sure how this works – I honestly don’t get why they migrate instead of just going original and labeling the pairings by trope – but I think  it’s connected to the issue of fixing a fic as you read combined with people who are way more visual than I am, so they want to be told that Fanon Product specifically looks like the physical form of Character You Think Looks Hot. Usually there’s a ton of fanart and loving talk about hot attractive the character is to go along with the AU-OOC fic.




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          2. Hinebras says:
            Yeah, in fact one of my first fics was a shipping one. I wrote it to get some views, with the hope that some of that traphic will see my other fics, but also I was motivated to write one seeing how low was the bar for all those shipping fics that even I could write something better. I was thinking about writing a shipping fic with the weirdest most ridiculous ship in order to troll, but seems like that guy from the ArceusxAsh fic really got ahead of me.



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