Some varied stuff today, but mostly short chapters that don’t go anywhere. Another type segregation fic, too.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12746955/1/Zeke-Banner-and-the-End-of-an-Era

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[After setting out on a journey to help the torchic evolve, and subsequently heal the debilitating injuries it received from the pack, the two become inseparable partners in the fight to change the worldwide Master-Servant relationships between humans and pokémon.]

Sounds interesting! Similar premises have been tried lots of different ways, so I’m curious what this will look like.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[conveniently evolved to a grumpig In the nick of time]

Errant capital here.

[As the young bird pokémon began to feel the first tendrils of sleep pull at its consciousness, it and the nearby pack were jostled by the same sounds.]

If this is going to be a story about the importance of pokemon personhood, it’s a little strange to refer to pokemon as “it”. If they are people, they should get people pronouns.

[Then, a male voice, “Ow!”]

A colon should be used here, not a comma, as the dialogue and narration are separate sentences.

[Between the paws on its chest trapping it and the teeth mutilating its wings and face, the young pokémon could to nothing to fight back against its attackers.]

I think you mean “could do nothing” here.

Also, surely it can do something? Even baby torchic know Ember. You’re writing this as if they’re mundane animals, but pokemon have magic, and that changes the game. Perhaps the poochyena know some technique to block that attack, like it needs breath and they’re strangling it, but you should specify that.

[First, that there’s something over it, but it’s shaking all over the place.]

Contractions imply present tense, so this should be changed to “there was” and “it was” to maintain consistency.

[Then it dawned on the small bird that that peachy and red thing over it isn’t shaking, it is.]

And again here.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is only one scene. It tells us nothing about the torchic, or the human, or the greater plot; it’s just a thing happening to the torchic. You need more than that. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12746955/2/Zeke-Banner-and-the-End-of-an-Era

[He looked frantically for its poochyena attackers]

Looks like you mixed up some pronouns here?

[Shut up! Torchic chirped]

So italics are poke-speech in this? That seems like it would cause confusion with thoughts. It might be clearer to use different notation.

Also wait, his name is literally “Torchic”? That makes as much sense as you being named “Human”. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s ridiculous and confusing. Your characters deserve actual names.

[With great effort, Zeke]

Switching POVs within the same chapter is incredibly confusing. At the very least, you should add a scene break or something to show there’s been a change.

[As he stared at the sight before him, the small orange puffball that he saved from the forest, backlit by the now-engulfed-in-flames blanket he had wrapped the ‘mon in, took notice of the human that ran into the room.]

This sentence is unwieldy and hard to follow; I recommend breaking it up or rephrasing it. Also, he wrapped a fire-type in a flammable blanket? Does he not know what torchic are?

[the torchic stared down towards his blood-soaked and tried to recall]

Dropped a word here.

And now we’re back to the torchic’s POV? This is really disorienting. You might want to look at this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/143126539/1/POV-and-You

Once again, this is too short for a chapter; it is, once again, only one scene, and I still know virtually nothing about what’s going on.

Your prose is also really confusing and hard to follow. I’m not sure what you’re trying to say in some of these sentences. I think you should get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12746979/1/Mirror-of-Our-Land

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Anabel was a reasonably young woman with long light purple hair and purple eyes. She nearly always wore black suits when she was working, which was what she was wearing right now.]

Opening the story with excessive physical description is an instant turnoff. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. With canon characters, in particular, description is unnecessary; we already know what they look like.

[A short time ago, Anabel had mysteriously just turned up on a street nearby the International Police Station. The only thing she remembered was her name was Anabel, and she had two Pokémon: Alakazam and Espeon. When she was found by a middle-aged woman]

The same logic applies to exposition. Anyone reading fic about Anabel already knows all this.

[When Anabel returned down a few floors to where everyone else was.]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

Your prose feels very wooden and stilted, without much emotion or variation. This makes it difficult to get into. You may want to try experimenting with different sentence structures more, and examining famous books for their writing styles.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12746997/1/embers-that-crackle

A drabble is a story consisting of exactly 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for any short story. This doesn’t seem suited for such a short form, regardless; I’m very confused by the story, and I feel you need more space to explain what you’re going for.

[Around the fire, Kiawe spins the tales of Alolan tradition, and Hau and Gladion are wrapped tightly in it and drawn in. Two boys with the ability to change not just themselves, but the world around them.]

For instance… uh, what’s your evidence? Hau and Gladion both start off as potential rebels, but they capitulate to tradition by the end. And Hau, in particular, is a very passive personality. I don’t see how they change the world.

[Two boys with the ability to breath life into a dying flame.]

And you want “breathe” here. “Breath” is the noun.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12747000/1/Eevee-Story

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[The story of a group of eeveelutions prophesied to stop an unknown force of evil. Little do they know, this evil force is more like them then they could believe…]

You might also want to pick a more original summary. Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

(You also want “than”, not “then”. “Than” is for comparisons, “then” refers to time.)

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[“So, you ready, everyone?” asked Spark, who was to become a Jolteon. Flare, the soon-to-be Flareon, said, “Yeah, I’m ready for this ceremony!”]

A new speaker requires a new paragraph.

[At the evolution ceremony, an umbreon was announcing the eevee’s names and what they planned to evolve to. He listed (Not this exact format, obviously):

Flare: Flareon

Spark: Jolteon

Aqua: Vaporeon

Shade: Umbreon

Espy: Espeon

Glace: Glaceon

Autumn: Leafeon

Sylvie: Sylveon]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. If this is actually happening in the story, describe it properly.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. A single scene with no context does not do this. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

[Yes, I am SOOO creative with names.]

If you know it’s bad, don’t do it. There are lots of websites that list names from many cultures and their meanings if you’re stumped for inspiration.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12747181/1/A-Legendary-Event

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

So wait, are we jumping between flashbacks here? You need a scene transition or some other sign that something’s changing, otherwise this is incomprehensible.

[“Hey Kelly,” he called out as she briskly walked down the hallway.

She turned and stared him down.

“Don’t bother coming back,” Reeve said, and closed the door.

It was somewhat annoying to throw the contents of Kelly’s drawer into a cheap cardboard box as she slammed on the door, screaming, but it also felt somewhat therapeutic. Kelly wasn’t the only one that wouldn’t have a place to stay after tonight.

Reeve opened the door, still nude, and holding the cardboard box. Kelly was a mess, with multicolored streaks running down her face and bloodshot eyes. Her lip was quivering.

“What is wrong with you?” she whispered, her voice raspy and broken. Reeve smiled.

“Tell your dad to go fuck himself,” he replied, and closed the door.]

Well, that got misogynistic fast. Why is he hurting her if her dad is the one he hates?

[I’m going to beat her to death, I swear to fuckin’ Arceus]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12747476/1/Pokemon-Tournment-Life-Season-1

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[Follow the journey of Zach Knight as he makes it his career to go around to Pokemon tournaments to conquer them all and make a name for himself.]

You might also want to pick a more original summary. Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Your battles are decently detailed, but still rather formulaic, and I don’t think I’d be interested in reading a whole story about them. This is a common problem; battle scenes are very difficult to do well in prose, and aren’t inherently interesting, especially when there are no stakes. You should give this a look: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143300790/1/Battles-Are-Boring

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12747565/1/Johto-Accepting-Destiny

Huh, you actually succeeded at making a journeyfic? That’s kind of impressive.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Although he looked fearsome, with his yellow saber teeth and long claws, he was the most spontaneous of the three.]

I don’t see how that’s a contradiction. Spontaneity can be quite fearsome.

[His red, yellow, and grey pointed mask accented the regalness of his wispy light grey mane.]

The clunky nature of “regalness” kind of undercuts your tone here. I’d recommend using a different word or phrasing.

[Instead of a mask, she had a cerulean blue hexagon crystal crest that stood prominently on her forehead, which designated her as the leader of the trio.]

That seems pretty random. The hexagon crest seems to have more to do with ice and water.

Any particular reason for this gender setup? Legendaries are genderless in canon, remember.

[“All right, Sandā, Kazan,” the blue one spoke]

“Spoke” is, ironically, not a speech verb, so you’ll need something different here.

[“But are you sure you made the right choice, Kazan?” Kitakaze questioned]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

I’m really not impressed by stories portraying gods as bickering incompetents. If the story doesn’t treat them with respect, why should the readers? The only thing this trope has going for it is grandness; if you can’t get that right, there’s not much point in spending time on this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12748036/1/Among-Giants

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[he just ran until he felt like his lungs had been dipped in gasoline and lit on fire with a blowtorch]

This is waaaay overdoing it. Sometimes less is more. This is a general problem throughout this: your narration is very rambling and overwrought, which makes the story feel slower than it needs to be.

[his bare feet patting against the muddy ground]

How is he not dead of rotworms or frostbite?

[There was no longer any room in the world for those like him. His age and size were a natural disadvantage to him, and he could never hope to compete with the creatures of the world in a competition of physical prowess. Mother Nature was not kind to the weak, so how could one child hope to live a normal life in a world where powerful creatures all around you wish nothing more than for you to be their sustenance?]

Is this supposed to be third-person limited (i.e. from his perspective)? Because this does not at all sound like something a child would think.

[It’s feathers]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[it was also capable of speaking perfect english]

“English” should be capitalized.

[“…”]

This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.

[Oliver took a peak around the corner]

You want “peek”. A peak is a mountaintop.

Cutting off in the middle of a scene does not a good chapter end make.

Even by the standards of AUs, this doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Pokemon. I strongly recommend publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top instead. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12748233/1/Pokemon-Shade

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[Follow Stars and His friends As he Journeys on Maroon Island, as he grows from the the person he was to the person he now is! Join him, Kash, and others on this Adventure!]

You might also want to pick a more original summary. Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Also, stop capitalizing random words.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is a mess. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12748459/1/Pokemon-Light-Path

[New region. New Pokémon. New Adventure. New Hero. Welcome to the Sabeid region; where a new hero embarks on a journey he is forced into. will he be able to stay on the path of light? Or will he fall into Darkness.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. This is a lot more elegant than explicitly noting the beginning and ending of your author notes.

[From the storm clouds lightning struck the earth below; scorching some of it as its electric fury made contact.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. You want a comma here.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[He asked in a voice filled with anger.]

This is way too overwrought. If you want to maintain a tense tone, you can’t have long, clunky sentences like these.

[the Pokemart sold cloths]

I believe you want “clothes” here. Cloths are rags.

[but I’m not even old enough to be a trainer]

There are preschoolers with pokemon.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12748631/1/Flickering-Fires-Smoldering-Ashes

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[Ash gets betrayed, yada yada yada. Cliche, I know. However, thought I’d give it a shot, and I think the result wasn’t actually half bad…]

If even you are too bored to give this story a real summary, that’s a problem. This should go in your author’s note; your readers will be the judge of if it’s good or not.

[P.S. Pairings undecided.]

But it’s definitely going to be a harem, because you like to make your priorities clear.

[Pallet Town]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12748638/1/I-ll-always-be-there-when-you-need-it

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. You also shouldn’t use abbreviations in dialogue, for the same reason you wouldn’t say you’re going to the Dr.’s.

[“Squirtle Spotlight!”

“Arcanine let’s go!”

“Bubblebeam!”

“Flamethrower.”

“Water Gun!”

“Extreme Speed.”

“Tail Whip”

“Flame Burst.”

“Rapid Spin!”

“OVERHEAT!”

*Squirtle Faints*]

No. Learn how to write battles. You can start here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143300790/1/Battles-Are-Boring

[I will not continue until I get 3 reviews.]

Review-baiting is banned on this site. Don’t do this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12748708/1/The-Adventures-of-Ace-and-Vex

[Two young twins start off their adventure. They will go far and wide, to every region, every place and will stop at nothing until they are the best.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. Also, no one will ever care what your character is eating for breakfast.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.

[our Father]

Titles such as “father” are only capitalized when they’re used in place of a name. If there’s an article or possessive before them, they aren’t.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

So do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12748797/1/Love-s-Right

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[A young trainer and his Alolan Raichu find something special with each other. Then, they decide that an evil team known as Team Cyber who is taking a stand against pokephilia needs to be stopped for good.]

Oh no, they think it’s wrong to screw people you literally own. The monsters.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

This is a mess. You need a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12749280/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Adventures-in-Alola

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

Please make an actual summary.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[“Mom! I’m going to do my duties as champion!” Tran shouted, “We’ll be back in a few” His curious Meowstic: Igor, blurted

Igor, Species: Meowstic, Igor was a gift from his late dead father, Igor is capable of speaking human language, so is Tran’s faithful partner.]

This doesn’t work in prose. Provide this information as part of the narration.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.

This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12749392/1/Your-Name

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12749430/1/The-rebel-and-The-stranger

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Not using capital letters makes me not want to read your story. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12749468/1/I-need-your-pok%C3%A9mon-to-help-with-my-story

Non-story entries are banned on this site. Put this in a forum post.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12749784/1/Pokemon-movie-I-choose-you

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

A new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not doing this makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12750295/1/A-Day-at-the-Beach

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Smack!]

This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12750274/1/Pokemon-Nations

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[The 18 types of pokemon split themselves into different kingdoms, each one of them standing for a different type.]

Okay, so… This is something that sounds like a cool idea in theory, but it falls apart if you think about it too long. The obvious question is where dual-types fit into this system, but there’s also the fact that types aren’t actually a very sensible basis for segregation to begin with. The types tend to have very broad and abstract associations with their pokemon; for instance, a pack of sentient gears (klink) and an otherwise ordinary organic with metal peripheries (excadrill) are both steel-types. Those don’t sound like creatures with common needs or interests, do they? So why would they band together? Egg groups can cross types, too, so you’d also be cutting yourself off from a lot of potential genetic diversity. Plus, let’s be real here, some types just suck. Grass, bug, and ice would get overwhelmed almost instantly, and fairy is so OP it could probably take over everything. As soon as one of the fighting/dark/psychic trio displays any weakness, that region will become a free-for-all with one eventual victor, who will likely go on to dominate the rest of the region with no predators to keep them in check… There’s just no logical reason for pokemon to segregate themselves this way, and it doesn’t seem like something that would stay stable for long.

Keeping track of 18 kingdoms is also going to create a lot of unavoidable story bloat. You should think more specifically on what about this setup interests you, and how you might accomplish that in a more efficient way.

[Hey guys! I’m Horrific17 and this is a remake of my old fanfiction i made like… 2 years ago. Hopefully i’ve become a better writer since then and this will be enjoyable. But enough about me, let’s just get into the fanfiction, shall we?]

Protip, friend: don’t make grammatical errors in your author’s note, it creates a bad first impression.

[The Steel Kingdom:]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[The kingdom of Steel, a kingdom made of steel, the outer walls, the houses inside, even the actual castle where the king sat was made of steel.]

The Redundant Department of Redundancy Department approves of this sentence. You should tweak this to sound less awkward.

Also, this is a comma splice (at the second comma). You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[Speaking of; the king, Aggron]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here.

Also, this makes as much sense as you being named “Human”. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s ridiculous and confusing. Your characters deserve actual names.

[His 4 lieutenants: Bisharp, Metagross, Ferrothorn and Aegislash, sat in the room just aside from Aggron.]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

This is improper colon usage; a comma is what you want here.

A king having “lieutenants” sounds strange to me; that’s a military rank, not a social one. “Advisors” or “council” sounds more like what you’re going for. Even if this “kingdom” is more of a warlord’s territory with “king” being a more informal title, “lieutenant” strikes me as too formal and organized for that. “Generals”, or, indeed, “warlords” would be more fitting if that’s the tone you want to send.

[Bisharp lay on his back, on what seemed like a comfortable bed.]

How is he doing that without tearing it to shreds? Bisharp are covered in sharp edges.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

I’ll stop pointing out these errors, but know that they are very distracting. I recommend reading up on sentence structure and punctuation, and perhaps getting a beta reader. You can start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[“So this war is being waged as a way of the eighteen types to see who would win in a war scenario…”]

As they point out later in the scene, this is silly; it would all depend on who got knocked out first and in what order. This isn’t a battle between similar opponents where everyone is roughly evenly matched, this is a Mexican standoff. As soon as one kingdom gets a lucky break and exterminates another, the rest will fall like dominos.

[“Tch.” Staraptor said out loud, looking at the first kingdom. “Dragon… the only kingdom who’s airborne army rivals even mine…” he said out loud to himself, be for shifting his gaze to the second kingdom. “Rock… your kingdom has type advantage against mine which would make it a far too difficult fight. But your king is quite an old one, isn’t he?” he asked rhetorically before laughing. “If the king himself can still battle, that would be a surprise to me.” he added, before shifting his gaze to the third kingdom now. “Ground… whilst it might seem like a trivial affair, not only are you hailed as one of the strongest kingdoms but you also have the Psychic kingdom as an ally.” he said the last part, looking just past the ground kingdom and seeing a faint blue light glowing.]

Why is he talking to himself? It’s fine to have this exposition take place in his thoughts.

[“Just stay still, ok?”]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[Scizor had put a law in place to where all pokemon, no matter how small, would be cared and tended for if they are injured. He had also put a law in about anti-predators, saying that should a stronger bug pokemon actively hunt a smaller pokemon and kill them for food or other reasons, they would be jailed or kicked out of the kingdom.]

That makes absolutely no sense. What does this have to do with bug, thematically? Bugs are the most ruthless and utilitarian animals on the planet.

[The Dark Kingdom was an extremely dark kingdom, despite the fact that the sun shone brightly it was still pitch black.]

This doesn’t make sense either. Dark type is not literal darkness, it’s dirty fighting and demonic/mystical creatures.

[Zoroark bent down and picked the envelope up in his hand, opening it and taking the letter out before reading the contents out loud:

“Hello, king Honchkrow. I am the king of the water type kingdom, king Swampert as you must know me by. I am writing this letter as I wish to form a temporary alliance with your kingdom of dark. Please respond with another letter to the water kingdom, which is situated south and a slight bit east from your kingdom. -Signed, King Swampert.”]

Why are pokemon using parchment, a medium that requires extreme fine motor control, to communicate? Very few pokemon have opposable thumbs, and some have no hands at all.

Which ties into my general thoughts on this: this doesn’t feel like a Pokemon story at all. Even by the standards of AUs, this doesn’t really have anything to do with Pokemon if your pokemon characters are acting exactly like humans. What are you getting out of this that you couldn’t get by writing about humans with magic powers? I strongly recommend publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top instead. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

And perhaps because of that, I don’t feel very invested in this story. You’ve done a good job on description and scene construction, but I see no reason to care about any of the characters or their conflicts. Everyone acts extremely robotically and woodenly. Battles are not inherently interesting outside of a video game; you need some emotional connection or greater narrative to make people invested.

I’m also very disappointed by the lack of female characters. There should be queens and female lieutenants to balance out the men.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12751678/1/Sorry

Non-story entries are banned on this site. Put this on your profile or in a forum post.

[deleting all my glee fanfic’s and starting to write anime ones, such as Pokemon, Digimon, Naruto and Sword Art Online. I’m sorry to delete everyone’s glee and Harry Potter Fanfics as well but I stopped reading them along time ago.]

So just because you’re no longer interested in the fandom, no one can read those stories every again? Do you realize how incredibly selfish that is? Let people read your old work.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12751727/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-World-Rebirth-Chronicles

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[OC Ash (be warned)]

If you acknowledge he’s an OC, why are you still using Ash’s name? This is really inconsiderate to people who are looking for stories with the real Ash.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12752206/1/Fifteen-Years

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.