Quite a lot today! There’s an absurdly over-the-top pokemon oppression fic (always good to see a baby Farla), not one but two grimdark OT fics, one of which is half whining about how rattata are useless, and a postgame Gladion story that’s actually pretty good.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12447435/1/Youngster-Joey

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or baseball. Or school. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Johto and Kanto-regions with magical technology, cities of never ending people-places he would never get to see.]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

Also, “never-ending” requires a hyphen.

[The easiest way to travel was with a group. That way you had someone to watch your back. You increased your team limit from six to 18. It allowed you to see more, do more, and not worry about being robbed.]

…Or you could just carry 18 pokeballs? The six-pokemon limit is very obviously a game convention, or at absolute most a League one. How would this even be enforced, do they have police officers patrolling the deadly untamed wilderness 24/7?

[Or worse, attacked by wild Pokemon. Not all Pokemon were sweet and people died all the time wondering around.]

No, they don’t. Regardless of how dangerous the situation may seem to us, canon does not have kids dropping like flies and no one objects to the setup, so it is clearly not actually that dangerous. You can make a grimdark AU where this is not the case, but then you need to commit to the fact that you’re making a massive change to the setting. This thread explains this in more detail: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142926917/1/TRAINERS-START-AT-TEN

[She did not like the idea of fighting, her father giving her the powerful dog as protection.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[No Pikachu, which Joey wanted]

Mr. “pokemon are so dangerous ALWAYS TRAVEL IN PACKS OR YOU’LL DIE” wants a rare, temperamental pokemon with potentially uncontrollable elemental powers over a nice, normal rat or bird? For his STARTER? What were all those online courses teaching him? Maybe he only thinks the world is deadly because he’s an idiot.

[The most common was Ratata, but Joey didn’t want something so weak and childish. Ratata was for babies. It was like owning a hamster.]

Boy, he’s in for a lot of pain when he runs into all the kids spamming Super Fang. (Also, it’s “rattata”. Look up pokemon names if you’re unsure how they’re spelled.)

[He often thought of who he could have been, had they stayed in Pallet Town. He would have gotten to pick out a starter pokemon. He would have gone to lessons with the other kids, borrowed Pokemon from the center to train. He would know types through experience, not just forums. Reading about something didn’t make you good at it.]

I am glad someone is finally pointing out that staying behind to study isn’t a good idea, though.

[But *Steve* [because he sure wasn’t Joey’s dad anymore!] had said no. No to everything. No to him leaving before he was an adult. No to Joey training anything more than a RATATA. No to everything Joey wanted.]

At this point I really think he can call child protective services. His dad is basically keeping him on house arrest.

[His father programmed computers. Joey was good at that, knew how a lot of rare systems worked. Alice taught him to cook, clean, repair the home as needed.]

Gender stereotypes are still going strong in the post-scarcity future, I see.

[GHOST_MAROWAK: just go. why do you need their permission? you’re allowed to leave.

**YOUNGSTER JOEY**: all i have is three rats.]

How does he not know that’s way more than most trainers start with?

[But it had to be better than *this.*]

You can use italics here.

[Joey kept his pokemon secret. The second ball held a Lillipup, very small, very eager to show affection. Paul had texted him the names of the attacks the two had, saying the dog [who he called Lilly] was still very young. He bred them, he said, as companion animals. So the dog didn’t have many attacks.]

So he’d be eaten alive with three Super Fang-ing Hyper Fang-ing rattata, but a newborn lillipup is going to make the difference? Really.

This is more substantial than most original trainer fic and I like that there seems to be something of a plot going forward, but this is so over-the-top grimdark that it’s impossible to take seriously. The level of danger you’re depicting is only possible if this is a post-apocalyptic hellhole where the government is either unable or unwilling to lift a finger about kids getting mauled constantly. You need to either tone it down or commit to the many other societal changes this situation implies.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12447033/1/until-we-meet-again

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[But he hasn’t been using it; lately, there hasn’t been a lot of places he has to be.]

That should be “haven’t”, I think.

[What was dad like?]

You’re generally good at capitalizing “mother” and “father”, but “mom” and “dad” are also capitalized when used in place of names.

[“I am truly sorry, Master Gladion, for not doing everything in my power to stop her. But I did not realize that her psychosis had worsened to the state it was. I kept thinking – surely she loved the world, and Pokemon, and the Foundation, and you and Miss Lillie too much to do what she did, but I was wrong again.”]

I really don’t see this as believable. Wicke practically raised the kids herself precisely because Lusamine had been going crazy for years. And if she was aware of the experiments, she must have been aware that Lusamine “loving” pokemon means stuffing them in ice blocks. Lusamine was far, far gone long before the game begins, and that should have been abundantly clear to Wicke. It would probably make more sense to say she only figured this out after the events of the game.

[that they’d move heaven and hell to get them back]

“Heaven” and “Hell” should be capitalized here, since it’s referring to the specific places.

[“That Pokemon Moon got from you is amazing! I couldn’t keep up with how it was changing types, and that Punishment attack is something to watch out for, huh?”

“…It came at great cost,” Gladion says, because what does Hau know about what the Type:Null had gone through?]

Haha oh god I feel this so much. Hau is so oblivious.

[“I think it’s great that Miss Lusamine’s letting her go on a Trainer journey,” says Hau]

OH MY GOD HAU PHRASING. “Letting” indeed.

[Gladion thinks of the easy way Moon’s primarina meets her eye and follows her every direction, thinks of Hau and his raichu moving almost completely in sync in battle, of his sister’s nervous hands around Nebby, of his mother, prattling on about unconditional love, and thinks, maybe, this wouldn’t be so bad.]

Uh… one of those things is not like the others. I’m not entirely sure what you’re trying to say here.

This was really sweet. I agree that the game’s conclusion leaves a lot to be desired. I’ve seen some stuff exploring Lillie’s side of the story, but it’s nice to see something acknowledging that Gladion really is not suited for the role he ends up in. You also did a really good job of incorporating Mohn into this in a way I haven’t seen in other fic – having Gladion have his own parental recovery story to parallel Lillie’s is clever and sweet. I also love it when people poke fun at the PC’s expressionlessness, so I liked your Moon portrayal too!

It’s sad how many people buy into the game saying Lusamine will be good if Lillie just tries hard enough.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12446439/1/Pokemon-Shy-Blue

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

Not capitalizing “I” makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12445792/1/A-mouse-a-Traitor-and-a-Queen

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

This is riddled with errors, and is hard to follow. Are you not a native speaker? You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12459734/1/Pokegirls-Pure-Vanilla

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[The attendant glanced at her. “Those two? Yea. Always getting in a fight, but they hate to be separated. We learned pretty quickly that the longer they were apart the feistier they’d be.”

Sarah’s grin grew predatory. “I want one.” She turned to Daniel. “You should take the other.”]

So she’s a sociopath, then.

[“There’s just something about you that I can’t place…” He clapped his hands together. “Ah! I knew I recognized that shirt!” He exclaimed, pointing at one of the outfits that had been laid out next to the pokegirl. “You’re Tomo, aren’t you?” He blinked when the girl made no response. “Hello?”

The bed muffled the sob, but Daniel could tell she was crying by the slowly spreading tearstain. Sighing, he eased next to her, draping his arm over the distraught girl’s shoulders. “You know, people wondered why you had dropped out of school.”]

Wait, so normal humans can become pokegirls? And humans still treat them like property? Whyyyy have you made this even more horrible than it normally is.

This has nothing to do with Pokemon. You should publish it as original fiction on Fictionpress or Archive of Our Own.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12460192/1/Segregation-Now-Tomorrow-Forever

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[For centuries Castelia City, in southern Unova, has mandated the segregation of independent, non-trainer pokémon and human residents.]

How does that work? Few pokemon are urban creatures. Why would they be living in cities? Furthermore, this seems to acknowledge that pokemon are people, so how is training still a thing? How does the human government simultaneously justify treating pokemon like human citizens while simultaneously allowing a practice that becomes identical to slavery by that same token?

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling your story in the story itself looks a little weird, as it looks like part of the story; centering it at least is probably a good idea.

[“Zoru…zorua…” I told her. I must leave you. It’s something I have to do.]

Combining gibberish and translation just looks silly. It’s fine to just provide the translation and note in narration that it’s pokespeech.

[I spit on her. Although she didnn’t understand my words, I’m she could sense my anger]

Something seems to have gone wrong here.

[“N-n-no. I’m n-n-n-n-not afraid…” the servine was lying.]

You’re generally good about dialogue formatting, but the “the” should be capitalized here.

[Looking from the human district side, you can see a long row of metal signs]

You should generally avoid the general you in prose, as it sounds awkward.

[as a zorua, I frequently transform myself into a human (my unique ability of human speech carries over into my human form)]

??? Transformed zorua are mute in canon. Is it possible for pokemon to learn human language naturally in this, or is this some special magic ability?

[Oh, but dad says I shouldn’t go there]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[But the true irony was that the glass and metal walls of the car trapped by laughter]

I think you meant “my” there.

[Her excitement was beyond control—she clutched my wrist and dragged me down the street to her father’s company headquarters.]

Shouldn’t he be concerned about this? A zorua’s illusion breaks if it sustains damage.

This seems structured really weirdly. If humans hate pokemon so much, why are they providing even the token measures of the ghetto district instead of pushing them into the wild? The pokemon clearly have no power over the humans given that the eevee was helpless before normal weapons. The abuse is also so over-the-top it becomes a farce – no government would allow such normalized, extreme torture of its citizens, even second-class ones, and it’s simply unbelievable that *no one* is at all disturbed by it. Humans have extremely strong, ingrained responses to the suffering of others, even animals – even Hitler was upset at watching executions, for instance. Everyone has to be a complete sociopath for any of this to work.

Also, as I said, it doesn’t make a lot of sense for wild animals to voluntarily choose to live in cities, even if they have human-level intelligence and even if they were raised in an urban environment, and the sheer variety of pokemon and their physiological needs complicates things even more. What is a city to a roggenrola? Honege? Klink? Froslass? Pokemon are *weird*. There are naturally urban pokemon like garbodor and muk who may be able to interact with this, but they haven’t shown up.

Overall, it feels like you’re making pokemon far too human. This just reads like the standard magic-fantasy-race-as-metaphor-for-real-life-racism plot, only with the slavery glossed over in favor of over-the-top torturemurder that’s pretty far divorced from anything in real life. (Also, incidentally, a racism metaphor where the underclass actually does represent a real threat to the overclass makes for a really muddled message.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12456028/1/The-One

You might want to make a more informative summary. This one could describe hundreds of stories in this category.

[A human saves two pokemons]

The plural is “pokemon”.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[When I write theese lines, I don’t know exactly where this story will go but it will be great.]

No, that’s a really bad sign. Almost all stories fail without prior planning. I would recommend reading these:

fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/143363660/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-2

fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/143662066/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-3

[I imagine that you have already found out that english is not my mother tongue. In fact I’m french.]

Then why are you writing in English? Fiction writing is one of the most difficult applications of a language. I really strongly recommend writing in your native language instead. At the very least, you should get a native beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[POV : ?]

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context, and doing this just to show we don’t know who the POV is just looks dumb.

[« No ! Not him ! Not now !» I said]

English uses quotes “” instead of «», and does not add spaces before punctuation.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12462034/1/Kanto-here-i-come-again

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Centering all your text makes it difficult to read.

This is a mess. Try harder and get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12460114/1/A-Hat-s-Memory

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12459950/1/The-ceremony

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

Please make a summary that actually tells us what your story is about.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. A scene fragment of less than a dozen sentences does not do that. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12459756/1/Skystone

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Not gone in the sense of being gone, but actually being gone, gone; if it had ever existed to leave in the first place.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or mother. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Well, that ended abruptly.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This chapter yammers on a lot without conveying much information. You’ve set the story up but haven’t shown us anything in the way of plot. This feels like the first half of a first chapter, not something that can stand on its own. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12461093/1/Gangs

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[its simple]

You want “it’s”. “Its” is the possessive.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[A tall, violet haired man said]

Opening the story with excessive physical description is an instant turnoff. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant, especially since this is a fast-paced in medias res scene. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

This is full of breathless sentences. You need to learn how to use commas.

[“I know you don’t want to but keep in mind; we’re the mafia bro!”]

You want a full colon here, not a semicolon. You’re overusing semicolons in general – they look technical and clinical, which is out-of-place in prose. You should try using dashes instead.

[He was Paul Shinji; cold hearted, cruel, and pushes everyone away. Why is he so scared to kill?]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[“Is any of this legal?” He questioned.]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

[TWO YEARS AGO]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12460517/1/Throne

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12461486/1/Burning-Promises-A-False-Pretense

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[(Five years ago)]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Thanks mom]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12462089/1/Prodigy

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You’re also overusing unusual speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever trendy verb you’re using in its place, definitely more fitting than “stated”, which it is not a synonym for. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[the Hoen league champion]

“Hoenn”

[I Muttered as i swiped]

Proofread.

[I placed them nicely on the back of the chair; released Staraptor.]

As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here.

Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.

[“This is the pokemon league. When a pokemon hits the field, anything goes. It doesn’t matter if they die.”

The reporter wrote all this down before asking me another question. “So pokemon are just tools to you? Their wellbeing is meaningless?”

I rolled my eyes, “look here idiot, don’t act as though you know me! Why don’t you go and read the articles on the Indigo league that took place in 401. On the opening day ceremonies, I fought an exhibition match against none other than Wallace, the Hoen league champion. Back then though, he wasn’t champion. And do you know what he fucking did in the first five minutes of that match? He killed two of my pokemon, Flareon and my Ponyta. I was only thirteen, and I watched helplessly as that bastard killed my longtime friends… When you’ve dealt with that kind of moment, then you can criticise me…”]

So is this going to be about how he’s a sociopath who delights in murder living beings for his own glory? Because, wow, “Someone hurt me once so I am going to hurt everyone else” is some quality self-centeredness.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12462082/1/Goodbye

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12460485/1/Nothing-but-a-glitch-in-the-system

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[After a visit to the lab and the annoyingly painful tutorial, which consisted in ‘how to catch a Pokémon even if the method is the same as the other games’, the three friends arrived in Accumola town.]

So are you actually doing anything with this meta theme? This is a novel, not a game. Whining about out-of-universe concerns is extremely jarring, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production. If you don’t want to write about these things, just skip over it.

[“Ah, there he is.” murmured the girl]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[I’m not a native English speaker]

Then I legitimately don’t understand why you’re writing in English. Fiction writing is one of the most difficult applications of a language. I really strongly recommend writing in your native language instead. Beta readers can be found here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12463425/1/Closed-eyes-opened

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes your story unreadable.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12462826/1/The-Journey-of-Masters

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[Ash Ketchum will catch more and different Pokemon than canon as well as having psychic powers and being a more serious trainer]

You might want to make a more informative summary that doesn’t sound like literally thousands of stories on this site already.

Also, it’s really okay to just write an OC if you hate canon Ash that much. Stripping everything that makes Ash Ash and still calling him Ash is really weird, and really confusing.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. See here for more information: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12462672/1/A-New-Journey

[This fanfiction will be based on the games Pokémon Sun and Moon and not the anime as I have not seen it nor care to.]

Then why are you using an anime-exclusive character?

[Amber whiskey eyes framed with dark sooty eyelashes looked out of the window to watch the clouds go by before closing.]

Opening the story with excessive physical description is an instant turnoff. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

[Ash nodded as he smiled and began following the Professor when the older man gestured for him to follow, “Yeah.]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[the Litten]

While I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon, species names aren’t proper nouns and shouldn’t be capitalized either.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12462360/1/Pokemon-Phantoms-Rising-PLOT-SUMMARY

Non-story entries are banned on this site. Put this elsewhere.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12463324/1/Roses-Wilt-Ashes-Burn

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[AN: Thought’s = Italics Telepathy = Bold]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong.

If you use horizontal lines to separate your author’s notes, you should use a different symbol for scene breaks; otherwise, your author notes look like part of the story.

Stop capitalizing random words.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

 

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12463508/1/The-Strange-Eevee

The summary belongs in the summary, not the story.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Ash ketchum]

“Ketchum”, however, is a name and should be capitalized.

[can be seen walking through the Vribian Forest]

Can be seen by who?

[Oh my Arceus!]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Pika Pi! (You better not hurt Ash!)”]

Showing both gibberish and the translation looks silly. It’s fine to just have the pokemon shouting; if what they’re saying is directly important, just the translation (with a different marker like {}) is fine.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12463536/1/pokemon-journey-kanto-mix-up

Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12463337/1/Pokemon-Subconscious

[*Warning* This story has themes which are unsuitable to different kinds of audience]

This is useless as a warning if you don’t say what those themes specifically are.

[Following new trainer Naeya as she sets out with friends from the small non-trainer region of Xhova, experience the new region of Taffola with a different kind of league, and a much different kind of experience.]

You might want to make a summary that doesn’t sound like quite literally thousands of other fic on this site.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Your writing is really stilted and hard to follow. You need to focus on what information you want to convey. A beta reader may also help; they can be found here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12462731/1/Be-Somebody

[Picture this: the grand expanse of Lumiose City roaring before you as your shoes sink into the freshly paved concrete of the sidewalk.]

Uh… shoes don’t sink into concrete unless it’s still wet.

[playing their most melodious songs on instruments crafted by the hands of Arceus]

It sounds really weird for a Kalosian to be referencing a Sinnohan deity so casually. Your profile says you’re American so I’ll assume you’re not Hindu – is your first thought “instruments crafted by the hands of Vishnu” when you see street performers?

[All of this until they could no longer keep their hats, pans, and from overflowing with the appreciation and reverence of passersby.]

You seem to have lost some words here.

[For Reuben, each morning he would wake up to walls that were once verdant, but after nearly fifteen years of staring at them they had dulled to a boring, almost sickening shade.]

The phrasing here is a little weird – this sounds like it was the staring that dulled them.

[and it wouldn’t open not since he tried to climb out of it last year to run away.]

This needs a comma after “open”.

[Now the smell of dinner was in the air- perfectly seasoned medium-well steak and buttery mashed potatoes.]

You should use a full dash instead of a hyphen. Word will autocorrect it for you if you type two hyphens together.

[Rachel scoffed]

Who? I don’t understand why you give readers Reuben’s hair and eye color but just drop a new character in without any explanation.

[Go away, he thought aloud]

I’m confused. Thinking aloud requires speaking, yet this is formatted like a thought.

Read this: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please check the thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[The second his foot hit the carpet of the living room, one of his older sisters, Abbigal, who he simply called “Abby”, rushed over to him.]

The first comma is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. Also, no one will ever care what your character is eating.

[Good Lord Arceus Above]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”.

[Over those nine years, Reuben grew up under the impression that once he reached the age of ten, he would be allowed to start his own journey, just as his two sisters before him. But when his tenth birthday rolled around, Reuben looked to his father for the signal to leave, and never received it. Instead, Reuben was taken to watch the Kalos Pokémon League finals later that year, and was told that he would be allowed to leave next year. His eleventh birthday came, only this time, Eckhardt took him to compete in the Laverre City Battle Festival. Reuben was told that if he did well, then he would be allowed to start his journey next year. He placed second in the festival, and by the time his twelfth birthday arrived, he was told that his performance just wasn’t good enough, and that he would have to prove himself again by keeping up with his training. Another year passed, and Reuben turned thirteen. Again, he was given the same shtick of having to train, and over the course of the next year, he grew increasingly persistent and restless. So much so, that for his fourteenth birthday, Eckhardt gave him a Ponyta, and told him that if he could befriend the horse to the point where it would allow him to touch its flames, then next year he could go. Reuben chose to not even bother, as he saw it as just another empty promise. The idea that something like this would happen once again for the fifth year in a row was maddening to him. That was when he tried to run away, and that was also when he got his window fused shut, and every single door in the house now had a lock. Except for his room, of course. They had to allow the prisoner to roam sometimes.]

Why has he not called child protective services? His father is keeping him under house arrest. This is child abuse.

[Reuben’s hand gripped the blade and slid it across the soles of his feet. Up and down, across and back, diagonally, in a circular motion, – there was no coherence to it. He tore into the flesh of his foot.]

How have his parents not noticed this yet?