[26] The Other Pokereviews, Part 92

Something about an oppressed pokemorph. Otherwise boring.

Anime: 9

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12844545/1/From-the-Ashes-of-Guilt

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon. However, you shouldn’t capitalize “pokemon league champion”, for the same reasons.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[There was nothing natural about the rain that fell that day of that she was sure]

This needs a comma after “day”.

[using it for a “good” purpose instead of war, however underneath it was still the same thing]

Conversely, this is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[She staggered up as she looked at his beloved pokemon, “I have to keep going.” She said in a voice devoid of any emotion, “It’s the only way.”]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[it’s beautiful large head]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

You’re really overusing semicolons. Too many of them look awkward and unnatural.

[“He needn’t have died at all. He died unsealing this chamber for you, so you could play hero while deceiving them all, he died so your perfect plan to save yourself could be successful. He died for nothing.”]

This is really dissonant for me. You’re really downplaying the whole genocide thing. At this point in the game I had half a mind to let the meteor fall, because Devon doesn’t deserve to live and neither does anyone else if they’re complicit in genocide energy. Is your May really so self-centered that they have no opinion on this at all?

And now this has devolved into Zinnia torture porn. So is the point supposed to be that May is a terrible person, or what?

In general, you’re making a lot of very distracting mistakes. Your prose is also really wonky; it’s bizarre that you do the start-in-present-day-then-flashback thing but continue to talk as if it’s a summary, when this is supposed to be an extremely emotional thing. I recommend getting a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12844579/1/Potholes

Reset Bloodlines.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12844695/1/betrayal-of-desire

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[NEXT MORNING]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This is full of weird errors. You need to proofread more thoroughly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12844896/1/Ticklemon

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[the 2 explore this mysterious world]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

Why is the weird fetish fic the one thing with proper capitalization.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12845246/1/Ash-gets-kidnapped

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

A new speaker requires a new paragraph.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12845292/1/GiovanniLooker-Valentine-s-Surprise

[“It was a long night..”]

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

A new speaker means a new paragraph. Not doing this makes your dialogue difficult to follow.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12845433/1/Tormented

[In a world vastly different from the one that is commonly known, a group of Pokémon try their best to survive.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Some say those people enslaved Pokémon because of their superior technology; others say that despite their technology, they were still able to overpower the humans.]

You have dangling pronouns here. You switch the referent of “they” from “those people” to “pokemon” in the second half. You should make this clearer.

[However there is one thing everyone seemed to be sure of, it has to do with the wastelands; corrupted lands with no plant life and deadly sludge.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. This is also improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. A short summary of your setting isn’t really a story. This early on, you should focus on getting us invested in the main characters and plot and work in setting details organically. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12845710/1/Hidden-Ties-Rewritten

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[While the influx of tourists and explorers alike were far from an uncommon occurrence, it’s not everyday]

“It’s” implies “it is”, which is inconsistent with the rest of this being in past tense. You also want “every day”, two words; “everyday” is an adjective.

[Professor Sycamore and his two assistants; It was only]

The “it” shouldn’t be capitalized here.

I feel like I’m missing something here. The way you’re telling the story, I get the impression I should already be familiar with these characters and what’s going on. Is this a sequel to something else?

I don’t feel like this prologue summary is necessary. A lot of this is stuff that can either be assumed given the sisters are traveling in Alola, or quickly explained in narration. This opening is very dry and doesn’t seem to provide much useful information. I’d much rather see the start of the story right away.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12845826/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Trainer-Online-Oneshot-Collection

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

And crossovers belong in their own section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12845908/1/Pokemon-Maker-ReUpload

Non-story entries are banned on this site. This belongs in a forum or blog post.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12846132/1/Pursuing-the-Moon

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12846153/1/A-Tale-of-Two-Trainers-Prologue

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Or universe. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[This is one of those “drastically” different changes.]

When you quote inside a quote, you use single quotes instead of double quotes; otherwise, the reader will be confused about where the dialogue ends. (If you quote inside a quote inside a quote, you go back to double quotes.)

[Anyway, obviously you know there are creatures known as Pokémon in this universe. They are similar to the animals of your home world, but with far more complex traits and abilities.”

(I know all this already, why are you telling me?)

“Because I’m trying to be dramatic.]

If even you’re noticing how pointless this is, that’s a sign you should reconsider what you’re doing. This whole section is, indeed, completely pointless. You’re just listing information we already know from canon. This tells us nothing about what the story is actually going to be about or why we should care. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes. If you have concerns about this, take them here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-Ocs

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12846174/1/Pocket-Monsters-Adventures

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[Story follows OC: Ayden as he travels through the Kanto Region to fulfill a promise to his brother.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12846225/1/pokemon-legendary-journey

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. Don’t post until you have story content.

Even if you did have story content, not using capital letters makes me not want to read your story. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12846446/1/Lips-Locked

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12846596/1/Pokemon-Alex-s-Journey

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

Centering all text makes it difficult to read.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

So do you have a plot for this? Many people try original trainer fic for their first fic, but it’s much more difficult than it seems. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. This thread has some helpful tips: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12846600/1/Earthen-Elegance

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You’re having a lot of trouble with tenses and verb conjugation here. Are you not a native speaker? If you have trouble with this, you should get a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12846624/1/Kenneth-s-adventure-in-Kanto

Your title needs to be fully capitalized. While you’re at it, you might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

I should not have to tell you that sentences need to end in punctuation. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12846633/1/Brendan-and-The-Music-Box

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12846661/1/The-Hybrids-School-Days

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Even by the standards of AUs, this doesn’t really have anything to do with Pokemon. If your pokemon characters are acting exactly like humans, why not write them as humans? I strongly recommend publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top instead. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12846805/1/The-Prince-and-Princess-From-Kanto

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[the girl in the hat said with a lot of emotion in her voice]

This sounds really awkward. There are better ways to describe this.

[the girl retorted]

[Giselle taunted]

And in general, you’re overusing uncommon speech descriptors. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12846840/1/Attack-of-the-Killer-Poffins

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Later]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12846861/1/Dashing-Through-Hoenn

[Dash Quinton is destined to be the savior of the Hoenn region…he just doesn’t know it yet…]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Why is all your dialogue italicized? It’s really jarring.

[- 3 Hours Later -]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not doing this makes following your dialogue too much work to continue.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12847109/1/A-Truly-Ultra-Story

[Boring at first]

If you know it’s boring, fix it.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12847432/1/The-Happiness-We-Felt-that-Day

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[“It’s barely sunset,” Riley commented.]

You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[To keep you here a little bit longer, I have one comment. Feel free to ignore this, but this fanfic archive sure has been dead lately. I took a break from reading stuff for about a year or two, now, and I’m greeted with a few stories that are nothing like they were before. No AUs, no summaries saying “IS, CS, PS and ORS” or anything like that, or anything that wacky. It’s only, like, journey fics. I don’t really mind it, I mean, some are really good; but it can get a little stale sometimes, and I can taste the edge of some of them. And some of the reviews seemed rather unsavory and rude on the few ones that I checked. What happened?]

Lack of feedback. Almost no one bothers to review any more. If you’re not a big author with a huge following, you’re lucky to get more than one or two reviews that aren’t some anonymous spam. If you want to inject more life into the fandom, you should try inspiring others to review.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12847587/1/Lakes-of-Life

[A pokemorph sets out on a trainer’s journey, making friends and trying to not die because he likes being alive.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon, but you shouldn’t capitalize species names either, for the same reasons.

[A Buizel to be specific; and I fucking hate public transportation.]

This is improper semicolon usage. Semicolons link related sentences. A complete change of subject should just be a new sentence.

[My dream is to become a pokemon trainer.]

Why couldn’t he become one at 10 like everyone else?

[I’ve learned a lot about wild pokemon from him, like the fact that they do have names.]

That is an incredibly depressing thought. Why on Earth would people’s default thought upon observing obviously social creatures be that they don’t have names? It also raises some disturbing implications about trainer nicknames.

[Sandgem town]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Sandgem Town”.

If you use horizontal lines to separate author’s notes, you should use a different symbol for scene breaks; otherwise, your notes look like part of the story.

[I stared at the outside of the lab, the doors had chains wrapped around the handles on the inside]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

Why is the second-to-last paragraph bolded?

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is barely even a single scene. We don’t have the slightest idea why the bad guys were here or what they were doing, we barely know the protagonist, and we don’t know where the story is going to go from here. A first chapter should provide this information. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

Also… I really feel like you’re not considering the full implications of the things you’re bringing up. Why would a pokemorph be discriminated against? Sure people hate those different from them etc., but pokemon aren’t really that “other”. The society we see in canon absolutely adores pokemon; pokemon are worked into every aspect of their culture. They bluster until they’re blue in the face that pokemon are friends, pokemon are partners, we would be nothing without them… so why would they hate a half-pokemon?

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