Basically everything today was incoherent or anime fic, but there is a Nuzlocke with a pokemon whisperer protagonist. No deaths yet, but that promises to be a ride.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12618238/1/Vertigo
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
[The characters are going to be completely out of character]
If your story needs OCs, write OCs instead of insisting your OCs are the canon characters. This is extremely obnoxious to people who want to read stories about the canon characters.
[To be honest, I could probably switch the names of the characters and no one would ever realise that this had anything to do with Pokémon]
Then why don’t you? People come to this site to read fanfiction, not original fiction. Please read this: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12618271/1/Pokemon-Sun-And-Moon-With-A-Twist
[A parody retelling of pokemon sun and moon Some events that happen will be similar while others will be different from the original story Will contain spoliers from the original games]
Sentences need to end in punctuation, and “Pokemon Sun and Moon” should be capitalized, as it’s a name. Not doing these things, as well as centering all your text, makes me not want to read this story. Try harder and get a beta reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12618324/1/Pokemon-Orgins-Red-and-Blue
Your title is misspelled.
[“Red!…Red!… RED!” Red snapped awake as a pillow slammed into his face. “I’m up! I’m up!” Red grabbed the pillow then threw it across the room.
“Red you have to be at Oak’s in thirty minutes!” Red’s mom shoved a clock in his face to exaggerate the point.]
A new speaker means a new paragraph. FFN doesn’t let you use tabs, so people usually substitute a double line break. Not doing this makes your text impenetrable.
[“Red you have to be at Oak’s in thirty minutes!”]
This also needs a comma after “Red”.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
So do you have a plot for this? Red and Blue do not have a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game without adding anything, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12618328/1/Team-Psyched
[My First Fanfic!]
This information belongs in your author’s note. The summary is supposed to tell readers what the story is about.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context. I generally recommend against writing multiple POVs, especially if you’re a new author, because it’s a very difficult technique to use effectively.
And indeed, this is a confusing mess. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12618336/1/The-Foundings-Of-Rose-Archipelago
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[“Of course.’]
You have a single quote closing here instead of a double quote.
[former champion Reds Pikachu]
Missing apostrophe.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[I know, mother]
When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
[As if one cue]
Typo.
[(Maybe you should stop making bets with your Pokémon,) Was Lucas snarky reply. Eris glared. “I’ll make bets with whoever I damn please, and no one is going to stop me. “]
New speakers require a new paragraph.
[Whisper-Male-Alola Ninetails-Trade]
You inverted the position of the species and nickname here.
[‘… Shadow would have loved this view, ‘ Luisa spoke for the first time in the chapter.]
…What? If this is supposed to be some kind of meta thing, you probably should have indicated that earlier. Also, “spoke” is, ironically, not a speech verb.
I am completely baffled by what’s going on here. Is this the continuation of an earlier story?
Also, if Eris can understand her pokemon, that opens up major challenges to the entire premise, such as why creatures of human-level intelligence are okay at being carted around like animals and why the protagonist is okay with carting them around like animals. I recommend taking a look at this: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142476358/1/Pokemon-Intelligence
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12618384/1/Team-Aqua-s-Revenge
Names, such as “Archie” and “Brendan”, need to be capitalized. So does the pronoun “I”. Not doing these things makes me not want to read your story.
You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
Crossovers belong in their own category.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12618744/1/Burning-Drowning-and-Chasing
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[But everytime she brought this up]
You want “every time”, two words. “Everytime” is not a word.
[away..human]
Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.
[Her worried eyes averted to the Charmeleon]
I’m not sure if “averted” is the word you want here.
[she just prayed to Arceus]
Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion
Well, that ended abruptly.
This is very choppy – you tend to use simple sentences, and I only see three paragraphs longer than a single line. This makes the story feel very awkward and manic, like it can’t focus on anything for a prolonged period of time.
This is also far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Who is this person, where are they going, and why should I care? What is this story ABOUT? You’ve only barely begun to answer those questions. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12618865/1/Pokemon-Dark-Quartz
[somewhat eternal]
This is nonsensical; “eternal” is an all-or-nothing description.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[payed the price]
You want “paid”.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Your writing style is very awkward. You’re using short, choppy sentences, which tends to make narration feel dull and sterile. This is at odds with the very emotional context of this scene. Are you not a native speaker? I recommend getting a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12618907/1/Charles-Manda-Pokemon-Detective
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
This premise is also nonsense. Pokemon don’t have opposable thumbs. I get the impression this is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, but even so it’s just absurd to the point of farce. This would make more sense in a Mystery Dungeon setting.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12619075/1/Power-of-will
Your title isn’t fully capitalized.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[I´m]
This looks very strange. You should use the ‘ (apostrophe) symbol instead.
[misterious]
“mysterious”
[It was a really cold day, clouds accumulated in the top of the mountain and the sun slowly started to rise on the horizon.]
This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. You have similar errors throughout. I would honestly recommend sticking to writing in your native language for now. If not, I’d recommend getting a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12619111/1/Love-In-Many-Doses
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12619133/1/A-Hundred-Lessons
A drabble is a story consisting of exactly 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for any short story.
[The first was a girl, her black cap kept falling over her eyes, causing her to readjust it constantly.]
The first comma here is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[“Eh heheh, sorry ’bout that,” She addressed]
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[“Remember this well, runt. Only our Lord N has the ability to communicate with Pokémon. Only he can tell their true desires. Not some pathetic little trainer like you.”]
This makes negative sense. If they’re true believers, they should be overjoyed at the prospect of another pokemon whisperer and try to recruit her to the cause. If they’re part of Ghetsis’ faction, she is a dire threat and they need to kill her as soon as possible. In either case, this is the absolute worst possible move for them to make: they have just told her that their central message is a lie so fragile that her very existence can bring them to their knees.
[“Ya know Luke… Pretending to be a trainer is no fun anymore.”]
Huh? So is she, like, a zoroark or something pretending to be human? Will this be explained in future chapters?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12619171/1/Pokemon-Eclipse
[A Nuzlocke story that was played on Pokemon Sun. Young Kantonian Cyber comes to live with her grandmother in the Alola Region and gets wrapped up in a journey of wonder and camaraderie.]
And that journey involves…? Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[He walked out of the house to the shoreline of the small town just a few meters away from the two-storied home, “It puts them]
You’re generally formatting dialogue correctly, but when the narration doesn’t describe what’s being said, it counts as its own sentence and is punctuated accordingly. This holds true even when the narration comes before the dialogue, so this should be [He walked out of the house to the shoreline of the small town just a few meters away from the two-storied home. “It puts them]
[Years later]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.
[A ringing went off on a computer. The mouse was grasped gently and moved across the mousepad, settling on an icon on the screen that was shaking. The icon was clicked twice and a screen popped up, an epic tropical theme blaring from the screen. On it was a live feed of a man in just an open lab coat from what could be seen, showing off his tanned body, sunglasses, and a hat on his head.]
Everyone reading this has already seen the opening to the games. You don’t need to go over this if you don’t have anything to add.
Relatedly, opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. Also, no one will ever care what your character is eating for breakfast.
[‘An Awakening?’ they pondered as they got up]
Using quotes, even single quotes, for thoughts is confusing, because it makes it look like characters are talking out loud.
[“…”]
This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.
[leafs]
You want “leaves”.
The battle scene here feels a little flat. Though you describe the attacks decently, the battle feels very mechanical, like you’re just literally describing an exchange of moves from the game. Battles are more interesting if you break out of that limitation and think about how a pokemon battle would actually, physically take place.
Also, uh, is Hau’s rowlet dead now? You said this was a Nuzlocke. Does the death clause only apply to the PC’s pokemon?
Keep in mind that what makes for a good game doesn’t necessarily make for a good story. The Nuzlocke rules do not make sense for a serious setting, and don’t inherently make for an interesting story besides. What is really added to the standard pokemon format by turning trainers into callous monsters willing to butcher innocents for petty goals? This is going to be especially awkward if you are going to be including trainers who can understand pokemon as the opening implies. If someone knowingly sends thinking beings to their death just for their own petty glory, that is appalling and I hope they die.
I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
You should use a different marker for scene breaks than for author’s notes; otherwise, your notes look like part of the story.
[“Pikachu,” his voice was calm and steely, his eyes shining with a glint, “I will concede. Alola really does have the best beaches!”]
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12619372/1/Pokemon-Neos-1-Start-of-a-Journey
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[BGM: Villains of a Sort (Kingdom Hearts II)]
I’m sorry, but this just doesn’t work. This isn’t a format with BGMs. This just jars people out of the story.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[The man on the throne was wearing an Arceus mask, dressed in white robes that was colored gold at the edge. The man wore a grey body suit underneath these robes with white gloves and white boots that had golden streaks down the middle that resembled Arceus’ golden hooves.]
I feel like you’re overdescribing here (and with the other outfits, as well). This feels like you’re pausing the story and turning to the camera to go on a long spiel about what everyone’s wearing, which rather disrupts the flow of the scene. You could probably get the point across just by describing the masks, maybe saving the full description of their cosplay outfits for later appearances. (You also don’t need to stop to point out all the mythological references; your readers are smart enough to infer they’re mythological references even if they’re not familiar with the specific names.)
[Anyway, I would like to have a beta reader to assist me with this project.]
Try reaching out here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12619443/1/Tourture
Your title is misspelled.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
[“MOM” I screamed as she took out a hard metal bat.
“WHY CAN’T YOU BE LIKE YOUR BROTHER AND SISTER” she screamed hitting the table next to me.]
Guzma’s dad was the one who beat him, not his mom.
Grammatically, this is a mess, and the story is very hard to follow. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12619714/1/Chromatic
I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.
[jerkily changing his Pokémon’s direction]
You did here, though.
This is cute.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12619728/1/Three-s-Company
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12619818/1/Pokemon-Kalos-High
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
Bolding all your text makes it awkward to read.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[After first period.]
This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12619835/1/Dawn-Resolve
This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12619836/1/Pok%C3%A8mon-Survived-P1
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12619850/1/Some-Shit-Going-Down
I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
[Thank arceus]
Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12619890/1/Self-Destruction
Just a heads up, second-person stories are sometimes flagged as interactive and deleted by the moderators. You might want to save a backup of this just in case.
[You move to the Alola region to continue your studies to be a human nurse-when you are attacked by thugs calling themselves Team Skull.]
Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or cousin. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[As the ship pulled up into the bright harbor, you can see several people waiting on the docks, waving and shouting to different passengers on the boat.]
You’re shifting tenses, which is extremely disorienting. Pick past or present and stick with it.
[“Alola! Welcome Cousin!” your eyes are drawn to a man holding a sign over his head with your name in big colorful letters, he was tall and dark skinned so his white lab coat stood out. He was wearing light gray shorts with a green waistband and green shoes to match, he too was yelling.]
When narration doesn’t describe how dialogue is said, it’s its own sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [“Alola! Welcome Cousin!” Your eyes are drawn to a man holding a sign over his head].
Also, both of these sentences are comma splices. You need to split them in two or use a different transition.
[Alola is beautiful; but it’s also very dangerous]
As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here.
[Iki town]
All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Iki Town”.
This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Your summary shouldn’t tell us more about the story than the first chapter does. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12619935/1/A-Shining-Shattered-Star
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[…..]
If you’re going to do this, you should make your dots in sets of three. Word autocorrects three periods in a row into a separate symbol, which is noticeably different from isolated periods.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12620014/1/The-Brain
FFN is not your therapist, and expressing your neuroses through art is not really the healthiest outlet anyway. If you have issues this bad, you really need to talk to a therapist. Internet strangers can’t give you the same help.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12620135/1/The-Legend-Of-Rage
[Long ago, there was a legend, of a being that towered over the tallest mountains, as strong, maybe stronger, as arceus.]
“Arceus” is a name, so it should be capitalized.
[Arceus imprisoned the being, for the fear of the monster that he created.]
Since when does Arceus care? Arceus does nothing while the world is being destroyed literally right under its nose.
Any particular reason why Arceus is male here, by the way?
[his breath so warm that is felt like the surface of the sun]
“Warm” seems like a bit of an understatement here. “Searing”, maybe.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes me not want to read your story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12620201/1/Kalos-Performers-academy
Your title isn’t fully capitalized.
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
You have extra spaces after all your opening quotes, which looks very weird. This might be the fault of your word processor; try writing in a simpler processor like LibreOffice or Notepad++.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes me not want to read your story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12620306/1/Brothel-Of-Hell
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12620455/1/Pokemon-Legends
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or region. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes your dialogue too much trouble to follow.
So do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1
I can’t believe you missed the fact that that Nuzlocke one ripped off the opening to Moana.
I was highly suspicious but did not feel certain enough to comment on it.