[33] The Other Pokereviews, Part 74

The theme today ended up being Ash betrayal fic, strangely. We also have a Pacific Rim ripoff, and a SYOC fic that looks halfway decent.

The first story is from a particularly annoying SYOC author who keeps writing stillbirths:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12671392/1/Angelwood-Elite

[Yes! It is I, cookiecastlequeen! I have not fallen off the face of the Earth! I did, however, delete my previous two SYOCs. Why? I lacked the motivation to continue them, and I also just wasn’t enjoying writing them. So… I deleted them.]

And then you proceeded to do the exact same thing, because this time it’ll be different?

For God’s sake, learn from your mistakes. I’m done wasting characters on stories that immediately die because you keep spurting out the first idea that comes to your head without any thought to forward planning or followthrough. Think about what you’re doing.

Also, you’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12671829/1/Pokemon-Parallel-Universe-GenderbendPersonality-Reversal

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. Put this in an author’s note, or just don’t do it at all. Your characters’ personalities should be evident from the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12671832/1/Heroes-of-Eden

Stop capitalizing random words.

[advances have brought pokemon and people close enough to even converse]

But pokemon still aren’t people?

[Cue the Following Theme /xjnrYyZqm9M?t=1m18s (Youtube links might appear in the story to allow mood music)]

This would be a bad idea even if FFN didn’t mangle links. This is just distracting. Accept the limitations of your medium.

This is a summary, not a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. What is the plot actually about? Readers should know this by the end of the first chapter. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

Even by the standards of AUs, this doesn’t really have anything to do with Pokemon. It appears to functionally be an original fantasy setting. I strongly recommend publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top instead. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12671933/1/The-Truth-of-an-Ideal

[And when he earned that crown, was it then he realized, he never wanted it. But the battle that waged between them – had already changed everything. Hilbert never felt so devastated before – to bring N back home.]

This is a jumble. You need to slow down and think about what you’re trying to convey.

You make similar errors throughout the rest of your story, and it’s very hard to follow. Are you not a native speaker? I strongly recommend getting a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Hilbert breathed inwardly]

What?

I’m not entirely sure what’s going on here. You just have N repeat the same dull, nonsensical platitudes he says in the game, and then he leaves. Even though you say you intend to flesh out Hilbert’s character, he acts like a ghost in this scene, and doesn’t express any unusual opinions that could hint at what’s to come. His personality is just… he likes his pokemon and is sad that N is leaving. That describes virtually every player and every player’s interpretation of Hilbert.

What is this story about, uniquely? What makes it different from the many other stories with a similar premise? Your readers should know this by the end of the first chapter. I think it may have been better to start the story at whatever point is after this; we already know how N left in canon, so we can probably fill in the details of this scene ourselves. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12676969/1/Pokemon-Virus-Parody

[Jack and four other kids and tweens (and 90 percent of the humans in the surrounding area) are turned into Pokemon. And then stuff happens!]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[I’m ten years old.]

If this is true, you should not be on this site.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[his timid but kind 8-year-old sister

were on either side of him, playing Nintendo switch.]

Errant line break here.

[They had had it for 2 years now.]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12677021/1/Puddles-of-Scarlet

[drabble]

[Words: 371]

A drabble is a story consisting of exactly 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for any short story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Is that the end? This seems a bit empty. “Someone was unhappy and then died for unrelated reasons” isn’t a story with much in the way of emotional investment.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12677084/1/Different-Forms

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Non-story chapters, and interactive stories, are banned on this site. Put this elsewhere.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12677440/1/Corrupted-Chronicles-Volume-I-The-Journey

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[I could only watch in horror as the same scene unfolded before me every time, as unchanging as the fictional plots I so loved to read, yet could not change the outcome of.]

This sounds really stilted. It’s unlikely for someone to come up with such ornate phrasing off-the-cuff, so this sounds rehearsed, which takes away from the emotional immediacy of the scene.

[I saw a bullet soar towards a civilian on the run, nearly penetrating his body.]

…How? Bullet movement can’t be tracked by the human eye.

[He glanced over his shoulder, “Run, now!”]

When narration doesn’t contain a speaking verb, it’s a separate sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [He glanced over his shoulder. “Run, now!”]

[She who at that point in time meant nothing to me, yet who would soon come to change my very perspective on life.]

I think wires got crossed somewhere in this sentence.

[“Sweet Arceus…”]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[Preview of Corrupted Chronicles Chapter 1: Fateful Encounter]

Not a good idea, trust me. This format just doesn’t work for literature.

I’m not sure how to feel about this story yet. It looks like a fairly generic fantasy adventure so far; you haven’t done much to distinguish it from the many stories like it. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Who is the main character, and why should I care about them? Most stories with a similar premise have a whole chapter establishing who the protagonist is and what their life is like. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

There is also the fact that, currently, this doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Pokemon. Giving the humans their own powers, in particular, really throws a wrench into the established Pokemon formula and what makes it unique. Will pokemon end up being vital to the plot, or could you tell the same story in a regular fantasy setting just by giving everyone magic familiars? I recommend reading this thread to consider your options: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12677991/1/The-Adventures-of-Luna-Ketchum

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[But dad]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12678182/1/Ultra-Path-to-a-Master

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12678359/1/Betrayal-Within-What-will-it-take-to-bring-you-down

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Send answer in reviews plz]

This is review-baiting, which is against the rules of this site. Once again, I remind you to read the rules and guidelines instead of scrolling past them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12678628/1/War-across-Dimensions

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

[Reviews are appreciated, summary is inside.]

People shouldn’t have to click on your story to learn what it’s about. You have enough room to make a real summary here.

[To fight the Ultra-beasts we needed weapons of our own. After their ninth attack even the feared legendaries couldn’t stand up to them.]

The ultra beasts really don’t seem that aggressive. They don’t seem to have any way to open the rifts on their own, and they don’t seem to have much reason to enter our world in the first place.

[Humanity needed to take their own stand and let their friends and allies take the side lines.]

Unless pokemon were literally wiped out, that is ludicrous. It might be a good idea to *join* them, but no way are the squishy humans going to win by casting aside the super magic beasts. That’s like saying “This war is really rough on the trained soldiers, let’s have them sit it out while the civilians fight.”

[To fight the Ultra-Beasts… we needed Ultra Beasts of our own.]

Not pokemon? The things they already know and understand and are on their side already? It seems like a much smarter idea to make pokehumans than to mess around with unknown evil xenoforms.

[He became the first true titan however after his sixth fight, this one with the Ultra-Beast Nihilego, he was badly poisoned and unfortunately, passed away.]

You need commas around “however” and before “unfortunately”. You might want to look up some advice on comma usage or get a beta reader if you have difficulty with this.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[They were no longer these tiny, 10 metre tall beings.]

…10 meters is “tiny” to you? Celesteela is notably one of the largest ultra beasts already, so probably not the best introduction to this detail.

[They had grown to heights unlike any other, generally appearing between 12 and 17 metres in height, those two to seven metres actually made them considerably more imposing.]

The second comma here is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

Also, that’s… a really underwhelming height change. They didn’t even double in size?

[Despite only being fourteen, I clenched my fists hard enough for my nails to draw blood from the palms of my hands as I overcame my fears of being blown to bits and bolted.]

This is a rather jumbled sentence; too many thoughts are happening at once. You can probably split this into two sentence. Also, I don’t see the contradiction between being fourteen and being scared?

[“Heh. I wouldn’t be much of a hero if I didn’t save a little girl, now would I?” I chuckled, looking back at the beast.

“SHIFT!” Someone, no, a group of people called out followed by what felt like a boost of raw energy, the beast boost.]

You should probably double-space between these, like you do for other paragraphs.

[Kick that things bloody ass!]

Missing apostrophe. You should proofread more thoroughly.

This… doesn’t seem to have much to do with Pokemon, thematically. This reads like Pacific Rim fanfic. Pokemon haven’t featured at all so far, and your plot is based around magic mechanics that aren’t anywhere in canon. If the Pokemon element is crucial, that should be clear in the first chapter; if not, you should consider rebranding this as original fiction. I recommend looking at this thread to consider your options: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

I also recommend recruiting a beta reader from this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12679106/1/The-Stuff-of-Legend

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[A Growlithe]

Species shouldn’t be capitalized either, though, unless they’re used as names.

[This is why the most beloved stories are about people who gain power beyond imagination, and use it to help others, when in reality, we know what power does to people.]

This sentence feels a little off to me. I think it would flow better if the two halves were split into separate sentences.

[Some mythologies understand this, speaking of their gods as adulterous, corrupt beings who demand sacrifice of blood. But in the end, people love happy endings, and so the gods that killed their followers, cheated on each other, and were honestly bad people were turned into the kind deities we see in movies. Usually, that’s because more recent religions view gods as sovereign beings who wish the best for humanity, but whether your god or hero is a good man or not, the stories we share about them will never cease to entertain someone.]

Okay slow down a minute here. This is a vast oversimplification of mythology and storytelling. Feel-good stories are actually a relatively recent invention; many ancient heroes are actually quite amoral from our perspective. Stories had very different tones for most of our history. The biggest purpose of storytelling is to enforce cultural norms, and when those change over time, so too do the stories. Greek mythology didn’t get Disneyfied because all people inherently like happy stories, it got Disneyfied because that is the tone *our current culture* likes. (And there has already been a pretty big backlash movement there – the current popular trend is actually complex nuance in heroes, as we can see in recent Disney films like Zootopia.) Obviously the Greeks loved their own mythology, as dark and ugly as it was – why would they have written it otherwise? The trend towards making normative stories about larger-than-life role models doesn’t really speak to an inherent aspect of the human psyche so much as the current state of modern culture.

[The world of pokémon is not unlike our own. The biggest concern for those who gain power is that they’ll inevitably use it against others and cause more than a few problems. It’s like when people say life imitates art. The myths and legends we tell about gods and heroes tend to serve a purpose or lesson about how to live your own life. The hubris of gods caused many to fall from their divine place, and heroes were destroyed by mistakes they made. This story is not so much about how these powerful people fell from their spots, but how other people built up to that unattainable level.]

Bringing it back to this story, I don’t get what point you’re trying to make with this. This is an absolute ramble – you jump all over the place and make a lot of unclear, disconnected points. So people like feel-good stories, but in gritty real life true heroes don’t exist, now have a tangent about something related but not identical, except actually that’s irrelevant because the dark original stories are still entertaining, then you go back on your opening statement and say life actually reflects the dark stories and not the light ones? What? Slow down, dude. You need to focus on what you’re actually trying to communicate.

If you use horizontal lines to separate your author’s notes, you should use a different symbol for scene breaks, to avoid making your notes look like part of the story.

[The few stragglers left walking at this time partied to avoid them in case of danger.]

I think you mean “parted”, not “partied”.

[“Spinarak!” the young person shouted, sounding rather feminine, a small green flash speeding across the floor.]

This makes it sound like the mystery person is the spinarak.

[the small shadow underneath it advanced far past it]

Repeating sounds sounds awkward (see?). I recommend rewording this.

[Climbing up the wall, the ghost attack destroyed the housing unit for the telephone.]

How does an ethereal attack destroy a physical object?

I do like that you’re writing a complicated and dynamic battle scene, but I feel it runs rather long. In writing, overloading the reader with detail can ironically disengage them from a scene, just because it takes so much longer to describe everything than it would be for it to play out in real time. It’s fine to simplify or summarize the events here – all that matters is that Spinarak incapacitates the guards, we don’t need to hear in excruciating detail how it handles every single wave.

[“Get the doors,” she told her pokémon, Spinarak quickly placing its electrified webs over every door leading into the room with them.]

I notice you use this construction – “X verbed, Y verbing” – a lot, and it feels off to me. It’s generally very confusing to mix two subjects in the same sentence. I think it would work better if you broke these sentences up, or at least used “and”.

[Growlithe gave a gentle, warm breath that only ignited slightly]

“Ignited” is kind of an all-or-nothing thing, and implies a rather violent fire. “Burned” might be better word choice here. Alternatively, you could rephrase this to emphasize that the growlithe has enough control to only burn the webbing and not the humans, as that seems to be what you’re trying to convey here.

[the obvious detective]

What? Obvious to who?

[“This girl’s got guts, I’ll give her that,”]

How does he know she’s a girl? The guards used “they”.

You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[“God, why do criminals always have to hide out in the worst kind of places?” she questioned]

In particular, “questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked” or “wondered”.

While I’m glad to see things happening in the first chapter, this feels a little dry. Anna and her benefactor are the only people who seem halfway interesting, and all the exposition seems to tell us is how little we know about the mystery, which doesn’t inspire much investment. Rigging a sports tournament is a really petty motivation, and doesn’t really grab me as a plot hook. Mysteries typically open by explaining how the crime is significant, unusual, or otherwise interesting.

[this is an SYOC story]

SYOC fic is fraught with issues and obstacles. I don’t actually recommend doing it at all, especially with something that already has a complex plot, but if you want to, you should read this thread to be aware of the most common pitfalls: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-OCs

This story seems interesting enough that I may submit a character anyway, however. Just try not to burn out like all the other SYOC stories.

The author took my criticism to heart and rewrote the whole chapter… and then reposted it as a new story because no one on this site knows how to update stories properly. Agh. The new version is here if you’re interested.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12679345/1/Team-Aqua-s-New-Member

[After an unfortunate Accident, Amy finds herself in Lilycove City. Home of Team Aqua, her new home.]

…Yes, and? Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Also, “accident” shouldn’t be capitalized.

Relatedly, you wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12679568/1/Chronicles-of-Hoenn-Region

[A concentrated effort to colonize Hoenn, mainly started in 3000 B.P. (Before Pokeball). When the explorers of Kanto & Johto first discovered Hoenn, has been lost to ages, but the continent has seen waves of migration, first from Kanto and then from Johto, since 5000 B.P.]

Continent? Hoenn is clearly just an island. Also, what is going on with those dates? You say colonization started in 3000 BP, but then you say colonization has been happening for over 2000 years prior.

Your summary should also give us a better idea of what the story itself is about.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You’re making a lot of errors in general, and it makes your story hard to follow. I strongly recommend getting a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12679802/1/the-long-way-round

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Not using capital letters makes me not want to read your story. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12679969/1/Adventures-in-Kanto-The-Next-Chapter-Part-1

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

Well, that ended abruptly.

So do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12680362/1/Aiming-For-Kalos-Victory

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Another reason I gave up on The Kalos Trip is too much reader input. I tried to satisfy every reader to the point where it led me to creating a huge mess.]

This is one of the reasons why interactivity is banned on this site. You should not have been doing this in the first place.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12680364/1/10-Years

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[What if Ash was born 10 years later. His friends was born 10 before him. What would happen. The criminal organizations. The people and the Pokemon that he met and changed for the better. The world. What would happen, if Ash Ketchum, was born 10 years later.]

Um, yes, what would happen? Simply saying you’re changing something isn’t inherently interesting. Why is the change significant? What is this story actually about?

(Also, so pokemon aren’t people?)

[“Hey stop that!” – Normal Speech

‘Should I do this or this’ – Thoughts

‘Can you hear me’ – Telepathy]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong.

[It became like that 7 years ago.]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[When a giant criminal organizations became powerful. So powerful that even the champion and the elite four couldn’t handle the organization. The criminal organizations known, as Team Rocket.]

Okay, see, this is the sort of thing you should have mentioned in your summary.

I still think this is too Ash-centric. The entire point of Ash is that he’s an ordinary everyman. Are you really to have us believe there were no other trainers who could step up to the plate?

[(Pallet Town)]

This isn’t a comic book; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[Mom is dead. Mom is dead. Mom is dead. Ash fell to the ground and started to sob, as his mom went down with the building too.]

Oh wow you fridged his mom, how original.

Grammatically, this is full of sentence fragments and other errors. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12680458/1/Pokemon-Treachery-of-Ash-Ketchum

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Kanto: Pallet Town]

This isn’t a comic book; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12680820/1/From-Human-to-Eon-Unexpected-revelation-REWRITE

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[In Kanto]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12680837/1/Betrayed-God

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[Ash is betrayed and he is a god of speed. Will he prove his former friends wrong? or Will he fail? Find out in this Story]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story. Try harder and get a beta reader.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12679435/1/Pokemon-Frozen

[Lee is a shy kid. He meets a gym leader, and decides to start a Pokemon Adventure. Team Stasis won’t make it easy. Who is this Tyler? And will everyone get a happy ending? Read on to find out.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[In a land far away from the other regions is the region Falainya(fall-ain-ya)]

Including notes in the middle of a story is always a terrible idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production. Pronunciation doesn’t matter in text, anyway.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You’re making a lot of errors, and it makes your story hard to follow. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

In addition, your battles feel very mechanical and wooden. You should do more than just narrate an exchange of attacks like in the games. Look here for more info: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143300790/1/Battles-Are-Boring

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12682227/1/Generation-2-A-Pokemon-Fanfiction

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[Set 25 years after Pokemon XYZ, Kathryn and Casey Ketchum, twin children of Ash and Serena, begin their journeys as Pokemon trainers.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12682083/1/Johto-Stories-in-progress

Please make an actual summary.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[my mother and her Gloom]

You’re generally good about not capitalizing pokemon, but you did so here.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes me not want to read your story.

This is riddled with other errors, as well. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12682013/1/The-Vengeance-of-a-Betrayed-Master

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[FLASHBACK]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[(A/N : The Shadow Triad aren’t loyal to Ghetsis anymore)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is always a terrible idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12681903/1/A-new-side-of-him

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12681815/1/We-Were-Friends-Once

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Please make an actual summary.

This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12681794/1/The-Glaring-Rivalry-AU

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[Mele Mele Island

Pokemon School]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You need to learn how to use commas.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12681687/1/A-New-Journey

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[I apologize for what happened to the other story, had to take it down because of the lemons. None here, and its in my own region, where the protagonist starts his journey. You guys will decide which pokemone he starts with. Best comment wins.(for his starter. I have his team mostly determined)]

This information belongs in your author’s note. The summary should tell us what the story is actually about. Also, interactive stories are banned on this site.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Couldn’t you have just yelled mom!]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[Prof. asked.]

“Prof.” can’t be used this way, for the same reason you don’t say you’re going to the Dr.’s.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader. Also, there shouldn’t be spaces around your quotation marks.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Well, that ended abruptly. This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

You’re making a lot of errors in general. I recommend getting a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12681630/1/Chapter-1-Part-1-A-New-Beginning

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[A story about Rick and his adventures]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Not using punctuation makes me not want to read your story.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12681588/1/Sinnoh-region-revamp

You might want to pick a more original title.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes me not want to read your story.

You also need to learn how to use commas. I strongly recommend getting a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12681391/1/My-Family-Fits-In-The-Palm-Of-My-Hand

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[When he met her mother, he felt a strange gnawing in his stomach.

He felt uneasy. The woman before him seemed perfectly fine; happy, enthusiastic, and an almost direct copy of Lillie. Nothing about her outwardly seemed off or off-putting.]

This is a really tired and dangerous cliché. Real-life abusers do not give off magic bad vibes that let you Just Know they’re evil; in fact, they’re often very skilled at making people like them. Even aside from this, characters Just Knowing things is bad writing. Kukui should have an actual reason to feel this way about Lusamine; show, don’t tell.

Overall, this feels a little melodramatic.

7 Comments

  1. CrazyEd says:
    The theme today ended up being Ash betrayal fic

    What’s the deal with this genre of Pokemon fanfiction, anyway?

    For God’s sake, learn from your mistakes. I’m done wasting characters on stories that immediately die because you keep spurting out the first idea that comes to your head without any thought to forward planning or followthrough. Think about what you’re doing.

    Maybe you need a vacation from this, dude. It seems like you’re starting to lose any semblance of patience over these past few review posts. Maybe I’m not one to talk, because this would be my default level of patience with this sort of thing, but you’ve always tried to be as neutral and objective as possible, and this probably isn’t the best thing for that.

     What’s your plot?

    And then stuff happens. To be fair, this is a pretty unusual plot as far as Pokemon fanfic goes.




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    1. What’s the deal with this genre of Pokemon fanfiction, anyway?

      Before my time, I’m afraid. You’d have better luck taking it to the discussion post.

      Maybe you need a vacation from this, dude.

      Getting fed up with one particular author does not mean I’m losing my mind, dude. :p My usual tactics clearly didn’t work on them, so I wanted to make my real feelings clear. The rest of my reviews are fine.

      I’m actually a little surprised you’ve come away from all this thinking my reviews are supposed to be “neutral”. Reviews are opinion-based, and I do make very opinionated statements when I come across something I actually care about. Remember all my complaints about the Biblepunk stuff?




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      1. Act says:

        FWIW I didn’t read your tone here any different than it ever was, but I tend to be much more impatient than you anyway.




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      2. CrazyEd says:
        The rest of my reviews are fine.

        It’s not just that one, though. You’ve snapped at a couple people over the last few posts.

        I’m actually a little surprised you’ve come away from all this thinking my reviews are supposed to be “neutral”.

        I actually meant neutral in tone, but that said, 99% of your reviews are actually just grammar lessons, and you are of the opinion that grammar isn’t an opinion (ohoho), so there’s that.




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        1. You’ve snapped at a couple people over the last few posts.

          In the reviews, or in PMs?

          I would definitely say my reviews are neutral when I’m just discussing grammar because, yes, grammar isn’t an opinion. But when I do express an opinion, I’m rarely neutral and can get quite judgmental and catty. You probably just haven’t seen much of it because fic so rarely elicits an opinion from me — but even then, my standard “So pokemon aren’t people?” line is, I would argue, fighting words.

          So is the religion copypasta, come to think of it. “This sounds ridiculous” is hardly neutral! I’ve got a lot of common stances I wouldn’t consider neutral.




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          1. CrazyEd says:
            Hm, it was in PMs, now that I think about it. I sorta count those as part of the review, I guess. But I’ve still noticed more snapping in them recently versus a few months ago.



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  2. Act says:

    The few stragglers left walking at this time partied to avoid them

    This is a wonderful typo.




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