[25] The Other Pokereviews, Part 62

A lot of people messing up their verb tenses today. But we’ve got a few decent concepts, including a fic about Leaf that isn’t terrible.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12585373/1/The-Life-of-a-Cockroach

And also, thanks to St. Elmo’s Fire’s helpful critisism, I had to rewrite this out of anger. Hopefully, this person will enjoy it this time as well as the rest of you.”

This person claims to be 27.

They did actually address a lot of my complaints, not that I can compliment them on that because they blocked me for no conceivable reason. Why do so many people insist on making things worse for themselves?

The story is a complete disaster, though. I’m seriously wondering if they’ve ever read a single book in their life.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12585121/1/Of-Ultra-Beasts-Skull-Fragments-and-a-Snarky-Espeon

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re shifting between past and present tense, which is extremely disorienting. You need to pick one tense and stick with it.

Kinda sideyeing you for describing an 18-year-old as a “girl”.

[“Watch it!” the pink Pokemon hissed]

Woah woah wait, pokemon can talk in this? That’s a major change to the setting you absolutely should not throw in without major consideration. If pokemon are verifiably sapient, training is objectively slavery. If you try to have happy-go-lucky training adventures now, all I’ll be able to focus on is why people are so okay with owning and giving orders to things that can talk.

[“It was wrong of Sol to disband Team Skull. He didn’t understand what he was doing. Those grunts won’t survive out there on their own.” Nanu shrugged.

“You guys were terrorizing Alola,” he pointed out. “Someone had to step in.”]

No, they weren’t. The only evidence we have that they were doing anything worse than trying to steal pokemon (and getting laughed off every time) is Nanu saying they’ll kill the PC if they invade Po Town, but given they’re just as incompetent in Po Town, I think it’s pretty clear that’s just Nanu being Nanu.

What Team Skull WAS was rebellious youth. They’re all the kids who the inflexible system failed. Hau and Lillie could easily have fallen in with them in different circumstances. Heck, Gladion did. They’re scared, ineffectual kids desperate for anyone to care about them and are heavily implied to have been abused or impoverished, like Guzma. They had very valid points, and yes, they won’t be able to survive on their own. It looks really sketchy to have an authority figure say purging them is for the greater good.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12585122/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Rise-of-the-Pok%C3%A9-Teams-Muffin-s-Story

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[The scientist was holding a lever as Muffin, inside a glass cage, had one of his natural moves painfully replaced with a move that he was never meant to learn.]

I’m, uh, pretty sure learned techniques don’t work that way. There are ways to make this work, but it would have to involve specific moves that require a change in physiology – poison attacks, for example, if eevee don’t have natural poison glands.

[He pushed his door open with his left paw]

How does he close it, though? While this does a better job than most fic at justifying why pokemon would choose human-like abodes, if humans have only recently vanished, there are certain physical incompatibilities that make living in literal human homes impossible. All of our technology revolves around our opposable thumbs, which few pokemon have. Most pokemon should be unable to operate even something as basic as a door or bag.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12585602/1/On-Again-Off-Again

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Ugh, mom]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[He got home from work went to bed about an hour ago]

Dropped a word here.

[“Honey, you know we can’t afford that right now,” his mother said, hiding an extravagant bracelet as she rubbed the back of her neck. “Maybe when he gets his first paycheck from the new job.”]

And why can’t the four-time champion fight pokemon battles for money? Or does it not work that way in your universe?

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

A story about everyone being terrible is not terribly fun to read about, especially not one that also wallows in sexist stereotypes.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12585624/1/The-Aura-Prince-of-Kalos-Academy

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

And it’s yet another story about superpowered Ash being given a super-special pokemon by Arceus. Look, if you establish that the protagonist is totally perfect and will just be handed everything he wants, the story has no tension and it’s not interesting to read about. Also, for God’s sake, use a different god than Arceus for once.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12586052/1/A-Vengeful-Blade

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[The sirens, as you can imagine]

Using the general you in third-person is extremely awkward, especially “as you can imagine”. No, we can’t, because the story just started and we have no context for any of this.

[people and Pokemon]

So pokemon aren’t people?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12587294/1/Fluffy-goodness

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

All sentences need to be capitalized and end in punctuation. Not putting in this basic effort makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12587371/1/Pokemon-Mom-Version

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[“Hello there! Welcome to the world of Pokemon. My name is Oak! People call me the Pokemon PROF!” the old man in the lab coat began to speak to the ten year old boy.]

“Speak” is, ironically, not a speech verb, so the narration here counts as a separate action and sentence. This should be [“Hello there! Welcome to the world of Pokemon. My name is Oak! People call me the Pokemon PROF!” The old man in the lab coat began to speak to the ten year old boy.]

Well, this is… something. It’s more clever and interesting than most trollfic here, but I think you’re taking the game mechanics far too literally. It doesn’t make sense for Red to be a mute statue immovable without input (obviously a pure game mechanic) and for his mother to be able to go off script at the same time. Like, how does she have so much personality and attachment to her son if the world was just created a few seconds ago, as it appears to be? (Otherwise, she should know Oak and Blue and know that kids even younger than Red routinely go around catching pokemon.)

Also, the joke about Oak being a pedophile is really trite and overdone, and pointlessly crass. Pallet is a small town where everyone should know everyone, so the sudden suspicion makes no sense, and Oak has a perfectly good reason for recruiting Red. It’s not weird to talk to your friend’s family.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12587374/1/A-Redeeming-Journey

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[The voices from the TV were starting to get louder though and that seemed to fill the room]

The “though” here needs commas around it, as it’s an aside.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“That he may be, but that does not excuse his actions” a second replied. This from a woman, she seemed appalled in her words. Annabelle White, a former league official who had been invited on for her knowledge accumulated over the years.]

This description is extremely dry and clinical. Perhaps that is the tone you are going for, but I don’t feel like it is. Your sentences are awkward because you’re burying the lede and placing your subjects in odd places, putting emphasis on the wrong pieces. In general, it is better to show than tell – we shouldn’t need to be told she sounds appalled, it should be obvious in the way she speaks. Right now, she talks like a robot.

This awkwardness, as well as several comma errors, persist throughout the fic. I recommend getting a beta reader to coach you on sentence structure. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[You could see the worry on her face]

The general you sounds awkward in third-person. I recommend rewording this.

What I said about show don’t tell applies to the entire opening here. Seeing people debate a thing we don’t know anything about feels empty because we have no emotional attachment to the topic. We also have no idea if their accounts are accurate or not. This would work better if we saw Daniel’s behavior directly and later saw him run afoul of bad press.

[a solid 3 minutes]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[His sandy blonde hair]

You want “blond”. “Blonde” is the feminine form.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Surely they know who he is]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[“Oh ok, mr high and mighty”]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok. “Mr.” should also be capitalized, as it’s a title.

I’m not clear how anyone can force the champion to do anything. Unless you take the headcanon that there is a military separate from anything we see in the games, the champion is the strongest trainer in the region. That’s literally how the champion is determined. What’s stopping him from whipping out his god-monsters and pummelling his naysayers into the ground?

Well, I do hope you have more of a plot in mind than just the gym circuit, because the gym circuit on its own isn’t a plot. Even with a spirited protagonist, if you don’t have any other events, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12587659/1/The-Kanto-Champion-Returns

Ooh, a story featuring Leaf! That’s always nice to see.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[He must be happy in there after that scowl he gave her on Mt. Silver, – probably due to the annoyance of having a few extra pounds tied around his neck for a quarter of a year.]

That comma shouldn’t be there.

[She could only imagine how much Kanto has altered in her absence.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[“The rest is tip.” Leaf explained.]

You’re generally formatting dialogue correctly, but you used a period instead of a comma here.

[“…You’re still the same.” She spat]

And again here.

[Gramps! What’s the emer-…gen…cy?”]

Missing opening quote.

In general, you’re making enough errors that I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you with them. Your writing is also awkward in general; you misplace verb tenses and verb agreement a lot, and your sentences can feel jumbled. This thread may have someone you can use: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[“Oh…my…Arceus.”]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[Your sister, Daisy, is actually going to be covering your title while you are gone.]

Haha, excellent! I’m really pleased how many female characters you’re including.

This is a good idea for a story. It makes sense that Team Rocket’s resurgence would invite activity from more trainers than just Lance, and you’ve given Leaf and Blue a good dynamic. This seems promising.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12587684/1/Randomized-Randomness

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

This is not nearly as clever or interesting as you think it is. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12587725/1/The-Domino-Effect

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[On the right, a more traditional draconic figure adorned the wall in shades of dull pink.]

I would not call Palkia traditionally draconic, especially by Japanese standards. It looks like Godzilla.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Here are the full rules: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Most of the younger people move out in hopes of finding, if not better, then at least more interesting, lives.]

That last comma shouldn’t be there.

[“Um…” I started]

Missing punctuation.

[especially now that its hatched]

Typo.

This is an interesting idea for a story, but the opening bit is awkward – it’s very jarring to switch between first- and third-person within the same story, let alone the same chapter. This also isn’t a prologue, for reasons explained here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters#164376286

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12587969/1/A-school-life

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[This is a fanfiction in a high school simulator type of thing. It focuses on Ash and Serena as its shipping.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[high school simulator]

A simulator is a program. I think you mean a high school AU (alternate universe)?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Ash Ketchum is a 16 year old boy]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[“Pika? (No, why?)”]

Writing out both pokespeech and the translation is needlessly awkward. Just write the translation if you must.

[“Ok, thanks Pikachu”]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

Generally, you need to read up on proper grammar, and maybe get a beta reader to help you. These two threads will be helpful:

fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar

fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12588295/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Academy

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Welcome to The Viridian City Pokémon Academy, aka The Vird. It is a state of the art school for young men and women who will become leaders in the Pokémon world. The Academy is state of the art with four battle arenas, 16 lecture halls, a separate wing for technology and research development, 2 nurseries, and an opportunity to become a member of one of 14 exciting programs.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[Pokémon Academy

Introduction to Battle Techniques

Her room was a mess!]

It’s really awkward to go straight from the title to the story like this. At least bold your titles so they look separate. Ideally, you shouldn’t need to use them at all (the dropdown menu is fine).

[“Goldeen” the smaller Goldeen with the longer horn said.]

Missing comma.

[“Making friends I see?” a voice sounded from above her.]

[“Nothing, I didn’t mean to interrupt your profound conversation,” he mocked]

In both of these cases, the narration describes a separate action instead of describing how the dialogue is being said (“mocked” is not a speech verb), so they should be punctuated as separate sentences.

You’re dropping commas and other punctuation all over the place, which makes your story really hard to follow. You need to proofread more thoroughly and/or get a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12588312/1/Like-No-One-Ever-Was

[Gwen gets a fresh start at following her Pokemon dreams. If only she could escape the sins of her past.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What are her dreams? What are her sins? What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Gwen returned Shellder to its ball.]

She literally named her shellder “Shellder”? That’s like naming your dog “Dog”. Pokemon should get actual names.

[Part of being a Pokemon trainer is knowing when to take risks.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[Vulpex shook off the tiring effects, and began running circles around Exeggutor. “That’s it, Vulpex!]

Misspelled “vulpix” here.

[Later, In the next town]

Errant capital here.

[In a safe place….but for how long?]

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

[She no longer recognized herself, save for the unique birthmark under her left eye. It always gave her the appearance that she had just been given a good punch and had a black eye. She recently bought a cheap pair of thick black rimmed glasses from a costume shop to cover the mark. It wasn’t completely hidden, but far less noticeable.]

Why doesn’t she use makeup?

[Elsewhere…]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration. Generally, you should use some symbol or marker to denote scene changes. On this site, horizontal lines (which can be inserted in the editor) are often used.

[eachothers hands]

You want “each other”, two words.

This looks interesting, but you really need to work on your grammar. The story is very hard to follow. You should probably get a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12588343/1/Kalos-With-Skills

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Pika? Pi Chu Pika?” (Ash? What are you thinking?)]

Writing out both pokespeech and translation just looks silly. Just write the translation if you must.

[Flashback]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12588540/1/pokemon-the-mystic-quest-season-1

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

This is completely incoherent. You need to try harder and get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

This grammar guide may also be helpful: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12588868/1/The-new-champions

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

[This story is about Red and Leaf, Ethan and Lyra, Silver, Blue, May and Brendan, Cynthia, Dawn and Lucas, Hilbert and Hilda, Rosa and Nate, and Calem and Serena’s children. They all work together but Red’s daughter knows something that to one person, she shouldn’t know.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s her secret? What’s your plot?

[-4 minutes later.]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. First chapters need to be longer than a single paragraph. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

Not capitalizing “I” makes me not want to read your story. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12589038/1/Pokemon-Adventure-Z

[Tom and his friends go on a journey through the Zanko Region on a adventure of a lifetime.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12589221/1/Nulocke-Ash-Version-Kanto-Arc

[In an Au pokemon world where everyone is forced to follow Nuzlocke rules, Ash Ketchum is not given a starter at all, instead he catches a Rattata. Follow along as he tries to become a master. Mostly follows the games.]

Then why are you calling the protagonist Ash?

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot? And keep in mind that what makes for a good game doesn’t necessarily make for a good story. The Nuzlocke rules do not make sense for a serious setting, and don’t inherently make for an interesting story besides. The standard journey story is already incredibly boring; what is really added by turning trainers into callous monsters willing to butcher innocents for petty goals?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12589299/1/Worlds-Collide

[all the hero’s]

You want “heroes”. Apostrophes denote possession, not plural.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Pallet Town]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Generally, you need to learn proper grammar, and probably get a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar

and here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12589514/1/Some-Great-Friendship

[So this is my first time making a fan fic it may not be that good because its my first but please be honest with me, also its non-canon which means that a pokemon typing may be altered to its evolutionary typing, pokemon talking, learning more than 4 moves, etc. If you guys like it leave a comment saying so, but if you guys dont like it well…still leave a comment i guess?]

This information belongs in your author’s note. The summary is supposed to tell us what the story is about.

Not using paragraphs or capitalizing “I” makes me not want to read your story. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12589664/1/A-Growlithe-Named-Seraph

[Some kid in Alola meets her starter, and… things do not go as planned.]

…Yes, and? Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is just an overview of background information. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12589789/1/Pokemon-Mega-Revelations

[in the Hoen Region]

This sentence needs to be capitalized, also it’s “Hoenn”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[10 seconds later…]

This is jarring; it’s better to denote time changes in the narration itself.

[“-Yawns- you have no idea mom]

This isn’t a script. Non-speaking actions need to be described in prose.

Also, when a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

So do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12589811/1/poke-mafia

Your title, and summary sentences, need to be capitalized.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[If your hearing was well trained,]

Using the general you in third person sounds very awkward.

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

[What can i get you sir?]

Proofread.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Generally, this is a jumble. Your tone and focus is all over the place, and the grammar errors make it doubly hard to follow.

7 Comments

  1. CrazyEd says:
    The Life of a Cockroach

    This reminds me of the story of how Jim Butcher wrote the first Dresden Files novel to prove his stupid teacher wrong.

    Hau and Lillie could’ve easily fallen in with them given different circumstances.

    Well, there’s the plot to your next fic, dude. Lillie definitely seems the more popular choice for a Team Skull member, judging from what I’ve seen of fanart, but I think it’s just that people just like the idea of an adorable ball of frills like Lillie trying to be a delinquent like Team Skull grunts more than Hau.

    Incidentally, I would’ve imagined that I’ll-send-your-mom-your-body Nanu would’ve been pro-Skull disbandment.

    How does he close it, though?

    Couldn’t he just kick it closed or something? I use my hands on doors as little as possible and I do just fine, for the most part.

    Or does it not work that way in your universe?

    To be fair, it only seems to work that way as a gameplay measure. It doesn’t happen in the other types of media (except for possibly Pokemon Special, which keeps all the gameplay conceits no matter how much sense they make narratively). You get money for winning fights; it’s a classic RPG trope. Money not being an assumption of winning a pokemon battle (or the relatively small amounts you win, considering the money is in yen in the original Japanese version, if money is on the table) help to explain why it’s mostly kids on pokemon adventures. Adults have bills to pay and pokemon battling money just doesn’t cut it.




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    1. Act says:

      testing downvotes plz ignore




      2
  2. Me says:
    They did actually address a lot of my complaints, not that I can compliment them on that because they blocked me for no conceivable reason. Why do so many people insist on making things worse for themselves?

    Some people are not good at taking criticism in general.  Some people are not good at taking criticism the way you deliver it.  Why you’re feigning exasperation or surprise regarding that fact at this point is beyond me.




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    1. HoodedAuthor says:

      Because it’s genuinely infuriating watching people who could actually improve and become decent authors refuse to do so, or make it harder for themselves to do so, for apparently no reason at all?




      1
      1. Also, it’s just bizarre when people initiate a conversation with me and then prevent me from responding.




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        1. CrazyEd says:
          Some people don’t want a conversation, they just want the last word.



          0

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