[25] The Other Pokereviews, Part 63

Today we have a Guzma origin story that makes him the privileged Z-user; a gay love story that spends a page tooting its horn about how it’s God’s gift to the queer community; and a well-written Nuzlocke fic that somehow manages to make everyone look even more horrible than normal. Also, someone writes a gigantic rant about me in their author’s note instead of just blocking me.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12590269/1/JPWC-The-Ultimate-Pokemon-Tournament-Accepting-OCs

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. You need some actual story content. This is doubly important in a SYOC, because we need to know what the story is like to know what kinds of characters will be appropriate.

You should also read this before doing a SYOC: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-OCs

Name: Chara. If forced to provide a last name, they will say “Smith”.

Age (12-18): 12

Personality: Chara has an abrasive personality and is not good at hiding it. They talk coldly, stiltedly, and flatly. They don’t waste words, but they display a large vocabulary for someone their age that is both impressive and a little unnerving. They smile and laugh at inappropriate times, especially when other people are suffering. They don’t like or care about any of the people around them, and are not good at pretending to. Anyone who is put off by that sort of thing will probably not want to work with, help, or even be around them.

When Chara decides to do something, they do it no matter what and against all odds. They have a high pain tolerance and no undue regard for their own body, so they don’t tend to be slowed down by fear for their own well-being or by non-debilitating injuries. They don’t seem to care if they die.

If they are alone with a group or individual that they can hurt or kill and get away with it, they will do so.

If they are in a situation where they have to interact non-violently with others, they will attempt to play nice out of self-preservation. As mentioned above, they aren’t particularly good at it.

They are highly genre-savvy. They can predict the outcome of cliche situations, and they can somehow intuit that major characters in the story are more important than the rank-and-file. It sometimes seems like they know they’re in a story.

Sometimes they may be caught speaking to someone who doesn’t appear to be there. They talk about what they want to do next, what the other person wants them to do next, how much fun they are or aren’t having. They are always facing south when they do this.

Their pokemon level abnormally fast.

They always carry a knife. They are not from around here.

Appearance: They have chin-length mahogany hair, bright red eyes, and pale skin with rosy cheeks. They have a waifish build, and are below average in both height and weight. By default, they wear a thin smile that doesn’t reach their eyes. They are androgynous enough in appearance and dress that people who expect to be able to tell someone’s gender just by looking at them will be very confused. Their outfit consists of a green-and-yellow striped sweater, brown shorts, and a heart-shaped locket labeled “Best Friends Forever”. The sweater is worn and has dark brown stains, probably from mud or something. In cold weather, they’ll add a ketchup-stained blue zipper hoodie and a large orange scarf, but they will not change their outfit otherwise.

Backstory (Optional): Chara comes from a small town where they met a Pokemon Professor, received a starter, and set off to become a powerful trainer. Other people from that town are aware of their existence, but seem to have trouble recalling anything specific about their past. Their mother appears to be alive, but occasionally they may say something that would seem to imply they are an orphan. Sometimes when they are feeling nostalgic they may speak with vague, distant fondness about having once had a best friend who would do anything for them, and who gave them the heart-shaped “Best Friends Forever” locket they wear everywhere, but it’s unclear who they could possibly be talking about.

Crush: They are definitely not interested.

Pokemon Team: Decidueye, absol, bisharp, honedge, victreebel, kabutops. All of them are perfectly minmaxed and perfectly obedient, acting as extensions of Chara’s will.

General Strategy: Utterly ruthless and uninhibited. Chara goes straight for the kill, and tries to end battles as swiftly and efficiently as possible. They have a near-encyclopedic knowledge of pokemon and strategies, so this works out better than one might expect. They usually battle as if their opponents are not worth their time, but get really excited and invested if their opponent proves to be an actual challenge.

Pokemorph: Pawniard.

Other: If they’re going to appear, run your ideas by me in a PM before posting the scene.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12589925/1/Chasing-Fate

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

While I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing the world “pokemon” itself, other terms, such as “pokeball” and pokemon species also shouldn’t be capitalized, as they’re common nouns.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12590164/1/Litost

[Life can be a funny thing, one day it’s the same old grind, and the next it’s spinning out of control. Stay chained to the past, or take control of the future? After all, it’s just another day.]

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

[Then the realization hit, he had no idea where he was.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12590295/1/Fire-Ice-and-Lightning

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[A baby girl with dark red eyes, whose skin caught fire and into her flesh was burned the mark of the legendary bird Moltres across her back, glowing red and hot as cinders.]

“Into her flesh… across her back” doesn’t sound right, because you’ve already specified one location. You’re cramming too much information into this sentence; slow down and focus on what information is important.

This really isn’t substantial enough for an opening chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is just the standard opening for this genre; it tells us nothing about your unique ideas or where the story is headed Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12590499/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Novel-Joy

[My name is Novel Joy. I’m sure Mother meant to name me after a type of book to say I’d be smart]

That’s… an odd association. I would have thought it was referring to the adjective.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Everyone says that i’m]

Proofread.

[Ash the Pokémon Trainer]

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12590511/1/Pokemon-Dusk-and-Dawn

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[The Kahuna]

While I’m glad you’re not capitalizing pokemon, this isn’t a proper noun and shouldn’t be capitalized either.

Your spacing is odd here. Since FFN doesn’t let you use tabs, general practice is to double-space between paragraphs. This makes the story look more even and less blocky.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12590692/1/Shadows

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[“I think your friends would be really worried about you,” Lyra had said, “I know I would.”]

When narration breaks up two complete sentences of dialogue, it ends a sentence and is punctuated accordingly. The first and second things Lyra is saying are separate thoughts, so this should be [“I think your friends would be really worried about you,” Lyra had said. “I know I would.”]

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12590773/1/Challenger-Return-to-Kanto

[Erik, Leaf, Blue and Wally]

Missing Oxford comma. I’m pleased to see a story featuring Leaf, however.

[as they vie to expose and overthrow Giovanni’s tyrannical rule knowing that certain defeat and failure awaits them.]

This needs a comma before “knowing”.

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. This belongs on your profile or in a forum thread. Don’t post anything unless you have actual story content.

Also, keep in mind that what makes for a good game doesn’t necessarily make for a good story, and darkness and grittiness aren’t inherently interesting. The Nuzlocke rules do not make sense for a serious setting, and don’t inherently make for an interesting story besides. The standard journey story is already incredibly boring; what is really added by turning trainers into callous monsters willing to butcher innocents for petty goals?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12590876/1/A-World-Without-Ketchum

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[This was a mini-chapter with the purpose of settling readers in before they rushed into the story prematurely.]

No, this wasn’t a chapter. A chapter is story content. This is an appendix, which is pointless when the story hasn’t even started so we have no reason to care about any of it. All you’ve done is spoil a bunch of plot points we don’t care about because we have no emotional investment in the story yet. Moreover, non-story chapters are banned on this site. If this information is absolutely necessary (and it’s not; if background details are important, they should come up in the story itself), it should go on your profile or in an author’s note ABOVE the first chapter, not stand on its own.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12591051/1/Love-of-Legends

[Orion is a new trainer that has faced depression at least until he unknowingly met Arceus. Rated m for lemons and swearing. Just so we’re clear. All legendary pokemon are girls.]

Of course they are.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[he was 5′ 11″]

You really don’t need to list height to the exact inch. Nobody is going to remember it and few people have a good mental image for it anyway. Just say he’s tall.

[(? POV)]

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context. This is even more pointless for mystery POVs. Switching POVs within the same chapter is also extremely jarring; it’s easier to immerse ourselves in a story when we stay with one perspective for a while.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12591102/1/Path-of-the-Legendary-Master

[Ash has always known he has wanted to be a Pokemon master. What if a chain of events turned his life upside down, and how will it shake everything?]

And that chain of events is…? Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[A/N: Sorry guys, but I had to get this off of my chest. To that one reviewer who always sends their two cents on my Pokémon fics I say this: thank you for showing me what I need to improve on, but please leave me alone. As I have stated in my profile, I am visually challenged, thus I cannot catch every single mistake. Keep in mind nobody is perfect, and I try my best. I have been coming to this site to read fan fiction for the last seventeen years, and I have no intention of stopping, just because there are those who feel they have the right to criticize others because that person didn’t have the fic to their liking. Everybody has the right to their own opinion, but when it starts to be forced on others that is the last straw for many authors. I have seen authors stop writing, because of the negativity shown. If you don’t like something there are a few things you can do.

A: Read the fic regardless, and just not bother leaving a review.

B: Hit the back button

These two options are simple enough. I write fan fiction for fun, not so I hear smart-alec/snide remarks. This site was made for people to write fan fiction, and enjoy it, not worry about dealing with people who just can’t get it in their heads this is purely fun. Yes, grammar and spelling is important, but it isn’t everything. This is how senseless violence occurs and for something pointless. To that person I say this: Nobody told you, you have to read my Pokémon fics. Leave me A-L-O-N-E!]

You should be sorry. People don’t need to hear about your personal drama. If you really want to avoid this person so much, you should just block them instead of playing the martyr. They have the right to use the site’s features and so do you. Use the tools the site gives you for dealing with this problem. If the very concept of someone criticizing you is too upsetting, you shouldn’t be on this site in the first place. This is a large public website where anyone can say anything. You should move to a private blog where you have better control over your audience and comments.

Since you don’t want to hear peoples’ opinions on your story – which rather defeats the point of reviews, but I will respect your wishes – I’ll just stick to what’s objective.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader. Also, a new speaker requires a new paragraph.

[As mentioned this is an Ash/Harem fic, so please tell me who you’d like to see in the harem.]

This is interactivity, which is against the rules of this site. The moderators here are very unforgiving and will take down stories without warning, so you might want to change this.

They finally did block me after this. Progress!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12591110/1/Guzma-s-Story

[This shows Guzma on his way to being Team Skull Leader. He learns more and meets new people along the way]

You need a period here. This is also a very vague summary; you’ve basically only told us your genre. How are you interpreting Guzma’s character? What sort of challenges, specifically, will he have to overcome? Your summary should set you apart from the crowd.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

To use Z-moves you don’t just need the crystal, you need the bracelet as well. Guzma never uses Z-moves in the game, which combined with his entire backstory rather implies he didn’t get a bracelet.

[Wimpod fired silk over and over which was weird, since he didn’t know string shot.]

I… don’t think pokemon physiology works that way. If something can use String Shot, it can probably produce silk normally. It makes more sense to assume String Shot is a specific technique weaponizing the silk. Just because you don’t know how to effectively spit in someone’s eye doesn’t mean you can’t make saliva, right?

[You are really strong! I really want a rematch!” the challenger yelled in delight]

All sentences need to end in punctuation.

[Its Guzma.]

You want “it’s”. “Its” is the possessive.

This seems like it’s flipping their roles. Kukui is the privileged guy who got the official starter and a respected position, who completed the island challenge and uses Z-moves. He has all the things Guzma wants but can’t have.

This is also far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. A single short scene doesn’t give us much. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12591137/1/A-Second-Chance-at-Life

[(person’s name POV) how the person who is talking sees things.]

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

[“Person talking”

[Telepathic speech]]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong.

[Your probably wondering who I am]

You want “you’re”, which means “you are”. “Your” is the possessive.

So, is he telling this story to someone else? If not, this conversational tone is really awkward and pointlessly jarring. I do want to know who he is, but this is just more stuff I have to read through before I learn that. This early in the story, you need to get to the point.

[My cloths are full of holes]

You want “clothes”. Cloths are the things clothes are made of.

[My parents, if you can even call them that, consist of a father who is evil when sober, and sadistic when drunk, and a mother who thinks I should just crawl into a hole and die so she can use my room for storage.]

Child protective services don’t exist in this world, I take it?

[I skipped ninth grade since I was so smart, so I am the youngest in my grade, but don’t assume that being the youngest makes me the smallest, seeing as I beat most of the football team in size.]

So he’s a misery sue. If this is your personal wish fulfillment fantasy, alright, but if you want this to be relateable to a wider audience you should probably have a protagonist who isn’t a perfect mental and physical specimen.

[Because of these things, I was the outcast at school, and even more I was the most popular target of school pranks, jokes, and anything else the other kids could think of to do to me. There favorite pastime though, was to pick on me because I never had sex.]

You want “their”, which is the possessive. “There” refers to places.

Again, are there no child protection laws? Bullies do get in trouble for this sort of thing. That’s also a pretty weird fixation. I don’t know what your high school looks like, but most high school kids are too busy with their own relationships to worry about others’.

[To have sex, you need a girlfriend, and I wouldn’t be caught dead with any of the jackals of this place.]

Then this is a situation of his own making and I feel no sympathy.

[“And you will stay there without dinner!” hollered my father as I quickly ran up the stairs to my room before he could get his metal bat out to hit me.]

Seriously, parents can go to jail for less than this. Where are child protective services?

[it’s old charger]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[My personal favorite though, and most important member, was my shiny Gardevoir, Lilly.]

Why is it important he has a shiny?

[“Well, possession is nine tenths of the law,” I muttered to myself, putting the pendant on, “maybe I can find a use for it.”]

When narration divides two complete sentences of dialogue, it ends the first sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [“Well, possession is nine tenths of the law,” I muttered to myself, putting the pendant on. “Maybe I can find a use for it.”]

[I said barely able to speak]

This needs a comma after “said”.

[if you hadn’t been dragged in by your Kirlia]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Ok, what is going on?]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[[Please?] Lilly asked, a small sparkle in her eyes, [I’ve never had a friend, and I was hoping that maybe that could change with you.]

“To be honest, I have never had a friend either,” I said, a slight smile crossing my face at the thought of having a friend, “but, I always wanted one.”

[Is that a yes?] asked Lilly, excitement building in her voice.

“Yes it is,” I said, and right as the words left my lips, Lilly jumped up and wrapped her small arms around my neck.

[Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!] cried Lilly in pure joy, wrapping her arms tighter around me, [I won’t let you down. I’ll be the best friend you ever had!]]

This makes me kinda worried for Lilly. The trainer-pokemon relationship is a very far cry from “friendship”. The pokemon is treated as property and must obey the trainer’s orders. Unless things work very differently in your version of the pokeworld, I sense this is going to end with Lilly sacrificing her happiness and well-being for Joey’s.

[and yes we know that it has some, ok probably a lot, of grammar errors.]

It is definitely noticeable. You should probably get a beta reader from here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

and probably take a look at this: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12591142/1/Pokemon-One-Shots

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Flashback]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

This is decent, but otherwise unremarkable. This concept has been done to death and you haven’t added any new analysis to it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12591323/1/Goodbye

You’re shifting between past and present tense, which is extremely jarring and disorienting. You need to pick a tense and stick with it. Also, the past tense of “to have” is “had”, not “have”. You make this mistake multiple times throughout the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Do your friends know about this?” He questioned her.]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

[while mother is gone]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

This feels very wooden and emotionally sterile, which seems the opposite of what you intended. Gladion and Lillie both sound like robots here (most siblings do not constantly remind each other they’re siblings, even in a situation like this), and you don’t touch on their inner thoughts beyond the obvious.

Are you not a native speaker? That may account for some of the problems you’re having. I strongly recommend writing in your native language instead, but if you really want to write in English, you should get a native speaker to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12591498/1/Emerald-Soulstice

[Brendan Birch has just moved to the Hoenn Region with his family to rekindle the family bond. As Brendan does his best to adjust to his new life in paradise, another boy of similar age will cross his path and change his life forever. The two will grow fond of each other, much to their parents dismay, and together they’ll discover true love and what it takes to defend it.]

You want “parents’”, with an apostrophe for possession.

This is a serviceable summary, but still rather vague. It tells us the genre of the story but not much else. What are the two boys like? What about their relationship is compelling?

The chapter dropdown menu unfortunately throws off your lovely centered title. Try adding a line break in the editor and see if that fixes it.

I also recommend adding a horizontal line to more clearly separate your author’s note from the story.

[and for Brendan; nothing was ever the same.]

As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. This semicolon should be a comma, I believe.

After the first paragraph, all your text is centered, which makes it difficult to read.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not doing this makes your dialogue impossible to follow.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[His brother is 7 years old, making him only 3 years younger than Brendan.]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[it’s head]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”. At this point, I strongly recommend you get a beta reader to help with grammar. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

Hm, so. I’m not sure if Pokemon is the best venue for this. If you want to make a queer story specifically for Pokemon fans, that’s reasonable, but Pokemon’s trappings are more likely to distract from your narrative than add to it. I mean, there are things you can do with it – the trainer-pokemon dynamic can speak powerfully to themes of dehumanization, objectification, power dynamics, and privilege – but from this opening and your summary it doesn’t sound like you’ll be going in that direction. Especially if you are writing this true to life, it may work better for the story to be set on Earth and not in a fantasy world. Publishing this as original fiction would also make it accessible to a wider audience – if you’re bemoaning the lack of queer narratives in media, isn’t it a little selfish to restrict this story to one internet subculture?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12591625/1/Pok%C3%A9dex-Stories

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[which was said by many Trainers alike]

Using “alike” doesn’t make sense here, as it requires multiple topics. Unless there’s another group here, like “trainers and…”, just “said by many trainers” is fine.

[which was weird because starter Pokémon normally are rare to find in the wild, a colony would be practically impossible.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

This is also a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[The Bibarel tried to argue that it needs a nest to live, but the wild Pokémon don’t understand that stuff yet and attack him. Ivan cringes at the scene and goes away.]

So how do bibarel survive, if their natural behavior just leads to them getting killed?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12592261/1/May-I-Meet-Her-Again

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12592273/1/A-Mother-s-Pokemon-Journey

[Sanctuary, the ever standing home for societies outcasts. A refuge for the unwanted that until this day stood strong as a family. No one ever saw the end on their doorstep. Even still in another part of the world a powerful force puts things into motion to change the world forever.]

You want “society’s”, for possessive. “Societies” is a plural.

This is an extremely vague summary. It sounds very grandiose but doesn’t actually tell us anything. Your summary should be to-the-point and tell us what the story is specifically about.

[Over the years many had passed through these warm, ]

Warm what? I think you dropped a word here.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[She gave a small sigh at the sight, were there others there this sight would seem normal.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[Fires of the past show me; where did I go wrong?]

As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. This semicolon should be a full colon.

[Simply put, the tests say you display personality traits and hormonal signatures of what they call a prime breeder, as well as attachment issues, an overly intense craving for companionship and abnormally high hormone levels for a Pokemon your age. All of which can be heavy warning signs for um… how do I put this… an increased sex drive as you get older]

9_9 This is the sort of thing you should put in your summary. If I knew this was fetish fic, I wouldn’t have bothered reading this far.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12592428/1/Absol-X-Umbreon

[an Umbreon that abandons his home and an Absol that is left to die meet each other. if you want more, please tell me in the reviews section.]

Um, yes, I do. Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot? (You also need to capitalize your sentences.)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[(Umbreon’s POV)]

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context. It’s a bad idea to be switching POVs anyway, as it hampers emotional immersion when readers don’t have a consistent anchor to the story.

[I was walking alone in the forest sad and found a lake, so I lied down next to the water.]

You want “lay”, not “lied”. You also need commas around “sad”, as it’s an aside.

[I touched a moon stone by accident and evolved on the spot.]

That’s not how umbreon evolve.

This gets more incoherent the further I read, and not capitalizing “I” makes me not want to read your story. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12592501/1/It-should-be-fine-Probably-Maybe

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[Aura!Ash SmarterAsh! Why? idk!]

If you don’t know why you’re making a major change to the story, you shouldn’t do it. If you hate Ash so much, just write an OC instead of making your OC wear Ash’s skin as a suit.

[Ages:

Ash: 13àTheir ages are the same because it is fanfiction.

Cynthia: 13à Their ages are the same because it is fanfiction

Brock: 21

Misty: 19

Gary: 13]

You don’t need this. If this information is relevant, it should come up in the story.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[(Just had to get a bit of stuff out of the way)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is always a terrible idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

[Six Years later]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12592480/1/Mega-Problems

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[”It’s true. It’s like a new stage of evolution!” She excitedly let out.]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

That’s also an extremely stilted speech tag. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs and adverbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12592530/1/Pokemon-Adventure-Z

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[Oh, let me introduce you my pokemon, tepig]

Pokemon names do, however, have to be capitalized when they are the name of a pokemon – this is a tepig named Tepig.

[After receiving a special request to complete the pokedex from professor Vince, Tom embarks on a pokemon journey with his friends through the Zanko Region.]

Titles also must be capitalized when appended to a name, so it should be “Professor Vince” here.

However, this is a very vague summary. Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

So do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to mimic the game, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12592809/1/Fire-Ice-and-Lightning

[yo, sorry for pulling this down, I was rewriting parts of it.]

Ah, okay. For future reference, though, you can replace chapters in “manage stories” with different documents without taking down the whole story. This is less confusing for people who have already favorited and followed. I do appreciate that you took in my suggestions, though!

[Chapter One]

Posting multiple chapters in the same “chapter” is against the rules of the site, though, and may get you in trouble. I’d recommend just not labeling your preface section and putting a line break after it; that won’t be too confusing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12592899/1/C-est-La-Vie-A-Pokemon-Y-Storylocke

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

If you use horizontal lines to separate your author’s note, it’s less confusing if you use a different marker for scene breaks.

[You know what the say]

Typo.

[After all, why would a world-class, albeit eccentric mind, like Augustine Sycomore retain a sullen seventeen-year-old girl with bladed eyes and an acid tongue? Celestine had begun to grow weary of the whispered speculations and was ready to set out.]

Is this really necessary? Not everyone’s mind immediately goes into the gutter when adults interact with children. He has a perfectly good reason, too. Did he not tell anyone why he’s doing this?

[one much understand]

Typo. You need to proofread better.

[everyday at lunch]

You want “every day”, two words. “Everyday” is an adjective.

[She was not an attack dog, for the Sacred Bird’s sake.]

Thank you so much for not using Arceus here. Is this referring to Ho-oh?

[Kanto, which was known for its rigid and severe culture]

It… is? Kanto doesn’t seem to have much of a culture at all, compared to the other regions.

[It was a view that was not unique in the Old Continent—the eastern continent that was home of conjoined twin regions Kanto and Johto, and their boreal sister region Sinnoh]

Those three regions are based on Japan, which I wouldn’t exactly call a “continent”.

[the New Continent—western, the amalgamation of Kalos to the northwest, Unova to the south]

Uh… if you look at a map of Kalos, it’s literally France. I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to assume Earth geography holds true in the pokeworld, making Unova an ocean away.

[Celestine referring to Sycomore as “Hakase”, which is what the Professors are called in Japan]

This is probably something you should put in the opening note. I was really confused by this.

This is well-written, and making to-death battles optional fixes a lot of problems with Nuzlocke, but your protagonist is a callous monster I have no desire to root for. Pokemon are living beings. Risking their lives for someone else’s pride is morally abhorrent. Perhaps you will engage with this issue, but right now everyone looks just as awful as in any Nuzlocke.

One Comment

  1. CrazyEd says:
    [Because of these things, I was the outcast at school, and even more I was the most popular target of school pranks, jokes, and anything else the other kids could think of to do to me. There favorite pastime though, was to pick on me because I never had sex.]

    It’s amazing how, no matter who writes this kind of story, they always sound exactly the same. Like… literally exact. The exact same character narrating the exact same situations with the exact same voice.

    “To be honest, I have never had a friend either,” I said, a slight smile crossing my face at the thought of having a friend, “but, I always wanted one.”

    So he somehow managed to get a pokemon to level 30 without forming any sort of bond he’d consider “friendship” with it?

    That’s not how umbreon evolve.

    Perhaps he was thinking of a moon shard, which is how they evolve in Pokemon XD, due to a lack of a day/night cycle?

    Their ages are the same because it is fanfiction

    I wonder how long it’ll take for this fic to get to shipping Ash and Cynthia.

     




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