Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8860475/1/If-Today-was-Your-Last-Day

[Silver stiffened, he felt something breaks within him and something very akin to desperation breaking through his mask for that brief moment his world was so utterly complete. ]

This sentence is a mess. It should be “break” not “breaks”, you shouldn’t be using the same word again right afterward, and the final section of the sentence seems barely connected.

[ He managed a smile, he knew through sheer effort wasn’t crooked, and hugged back strongly ]

Your use of commas is also pretty bad. You seem to be using it here in place of the word “that”. Generally, you should get a beta reader to help clean this up. You are capitalizing pokemon properly, though, which is rare to see.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Speaking of said, use it. It’s generally less obtrusive than whatever you’re using in its place.

Plotwise, this is poorly explained melodrama. Silver’s choosing to get himself killed in a stupid way, and Giovanni’s actions don’t even make much sense.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8860485/1/The-New-Year-s-Kiss

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

This is the first one to already have reviews. That’s depressing, it really is.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8860731/1/New-age-of-Team-rocket

This is a mess. Stop capitalizing words at random. Stop forgetting to capitalize words you’re supposed to.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8860752/1/The-Greatest-Master-of-Them-All

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The announcement caused a joyous uproar of thousands of fans who had come to view this spectacular tournament, many of whom had been solidly won over by Ash, who seemed more like a champion each day of the tournament. Not only the crowd cheered and backed its favorite, but behind Ash stood his most loyal fans. Misty, the Water-Pokémon trainer from Cerulean City, leapt for joy at the upset victory. Even her Togepi, held ever-so snugly in her arms, gave her own little cheer, though she probably had little idea of what had transpired. To her left stood Brock, the Rock-Pokémon trainer from Pewter City, raising his fist in the air as he cheered for his friend. Not as enthusiastic as Misty, but nonetheless proud of Ash. In front of both of them, Ash’s new friend Richie also raised a cheer for the trainer that bested him just days before, just as he had promised. All three of them provided the best cheering section Ash could ask for. ]

This is really not as fascinating as you seem to think. Honestly, even the battle itself isn’t particularly interesting – there are no real stakes involved, just Ash wanting to win – and stopping for a paragraph on the cheerleaders that doesn’t even say anything not seen in the anime a dozen times over is just making it worse.

[ As Pikachu experienced Nightmare for the first time, Ash was living his own nightmare, watching his beloved Pikachu suffer at the hands of this Pokémon. The effect wasn’t lost on the audience, most of whom hadn’t seen Ghost-type moves as advanced as this. Even the announcer was at a loss for words. Ash’s friends were deeply disturbed, and Misty had to cover Togepi’s eyes for this one. However, none were as horrified as Ash, watching Pikachu growing weaker and weaker at the hands of his own mind. ]
[Even those who supported Samantha made little effort to cheer after this brief victory. It would take a hard heart to do so after viewing the horror Pikachu had experienced. ]

So watching pokemon electrocute each other is so much nicer than watching a pokemon thrash around in its sleep for a bit and then faint? It seems like you’re trying to paint her as doing something cruel when it’s utterly mundane.

You write the battle itself decently enough, but it’s mostly choreographing or telling rather than showing – [Charizard was indeed fighting it. Those who could see his face could tell that he wasn’t getting tired. He was getting angry.  ] Okay, so what does that look like? Is his tail flame flaring up, is he starting to snort fire, are his eyes narrow and focused or wide and crazy? [This sent Gengar flying to the other side of the stadium, but after a moment or two, it could stand. It was, however, badly hurt. ] And that? Did Gengar hit the ground or make it all the way into the wall? Did it bounce or crack something open when it hit? Does it shake while it tries to get up, or stumble? What does its body look like, are patches of it hazy where it’s been injured, or discolored? And the fact is, the pokemon trainer’s head is the least interesting place to be during a battle – it’s the pokemon that are actually experiencing it and struggling with each other. Even if you don’t want to write directly from their POV, more of a focus on that would help, since what they’re going through is a lot more immediate than what Ash or Samantha are.

I really wish people would stop just writing tournament scenes and calling it a story. Whether or not Ash wins a tournament is not really a big deal. Stories about baseball teams winning the championship aren’t just the team winning a regular game either.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8861182/1/Stories-Left-Untold

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8861212/1/The-Truth

[Viridian City Library]

Don’t label your scene breaks like this. Work it into the narration.

[To do that I need information, not sensitivity,” The young girl of about 12 years stood up ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“So, Lynn is going to torture herself till the day she dies?”
She turned toward the younger trainer. “You know you don’t have to travel with me! I can do this on my own. you still have a father. I WANT MINE BACK! Neither you nor anyone else, especially Team Rocket, is going to stop ME! DO you understand Ash Oak?” She turned back around and ran in the direction of the Pokemon Center.
“Ashlynn, wait.” he ran after her.]

Why is he talking to her in the third person? Why didn’t he just say, “So, you’re going to torture yourself until the day you die?”

[The girl had wild black hair that reached her knees. She wore it in a braid. Her eyes were a warm, almost golden brown. She wore a pair of jean shorts that reached her knees; they were tight at her waist and baggier at her knees. His sneakers were black and white and her socks were white. Her shirt was short a sleeved black tee, and her jacket was blue with short white sleeves. The jacket was very familiar to the man on the roof.]

Don’t infodump. You should never need to list off everything about a character’s appearance at once. You will never need to specify exactly what parts of a character’s shorts are tight and what parts loose. Wild hair means loose and unruly, so it can’t also be braided. You switch genders midway through the paragraph.

[The boy had blue-green hair and green eyes. His hair spiked up and forward on top; and in back reached the middle of his back and was tied back in a ponytail at the nape of his neck. He wore blue jeans and a long tee shirt that matched his hair. He wore riding boots on his feet.]

“Spiked up and forward on top” is nonsense. If you find yourself struggling to find terms to describe a character’s haircut, it’s probably because it’s not one people actually have and doesn’t work outside of an anime. You don’t need to say that a character with shoes is specifically wearing them on his feet.

[The man on the roof wore his black hair long and loose the bangs were spiking around his head much like the girls hair, he had a black trench coat, a dark blue shirt, his jeans were black and he wore biker boots on his feet. He looked to be about 30 years old.]

“the bangs were spiking around his head” is even worse. Also, older grimdark Ash always wears a black trench coat, think of something original.

[I just want to make sure that you are ready for this. We are going up against a group of people who are no longer the laughing-stock that they were ten years ago. ]

This makes absolutely no sense to say. If they haven’t been a laughing-stock for ten years, then they haven’t been one for any time in either of their memories. He might as well warn her that Rome is no longer a major power.

[ I have my aunts and your parents, but I want a family of my own even if it is just me and my father!” By this time tears were rolling down her face. “I… Just… want to … know what it is like…” ]

She was raised by them since she was two. She has a family and they’re the only ones she’d even remember. It doesn’t matter if she can find Ash, he’ll be a stranger.

[“Sir, we now know who the girl is who is looking into the disappearance of Ash Ketchum.”
“She is his daughter, Ashlynn Ketchum. Her companion must be her foster brother, Ash Oak, Who was named after Ketchum.”]

Don’t capitalize random words and why would this need investigation? Surely they’re competent enough to at least keep an eye on her. Also, seriously, you don’t need to explain that Ash is named after Ash. Your readers aren’t complete morons.

[“I don’t want to think about it.” said the woman.
“Yeah? You weren’t on clean-up duty last time a girl was brought to him, so you don’t have to dream about it.”
“He’s only eleven, and already he is a sadist.”
“But we have to do what the boss orders..”]

No, they don’t. If he’s widely hated, you can shoot him and most of the organization won’t even care. Even if he’s not widely hated, the shooting and taking over thing is still totally an opinion, as is betraying him to the police.

[When Lynn woke, she was chained to a frame- Ash was in a cage. ]

Is there any point to this? Really?

[This man was slowly pulling his hand out of the stomach of Team Rocket’s soon-to-be-former leader.]

People can’t actually shove their hands through other people’s torsos that easily. Also, since when is Ash a sadistic monster?

[Her eyes opened wide as she recognized the younger man as someone who had always protected her when she needed it. ]

So basically her quest to find her dad is meaningless because he’s been around her whole life already. Also, for some reason she never once wondered if a mysterious guy her dad’s age who followed her around to save her might be her dad.

[“WHAT?” Why didn’t he tell me?” her eyes started tearing up, “He was like a guardian angel. Couldn’t he have told me?”
“Maybe. because he didn’t want something like what happened today to happen any sooner? If he came back as your father. Team Rocket would have come after both of you.”]

Considering he just murdered the boss of Team Rocket with his bare hands, that doesn’t really follow. Apparently he could have stopped them at any time but decided it was more fun sitting around letting them dismember other people.

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.

Wow, that was a terrible resolution. Your character’s dad disappears, she wants to find him, then he shows up and solves the problem that made him leave and that’s all. She accomplishes jack and shit.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.

Even asking for characters, this story still had no reviews.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8861284/1/N-s-Pain

[I give you all of your toys and Zorua ]

Didn’t he already have Zorua, since it was there with him in the forest?

[“You filthy little wretch! You actually dared to go outside?! How dare you? You live in my castle, N. MINE! It seems as though you need to be taught a lesson on authority! Shadow Triad! Undress my son for me! With all my rage, I might kill the boy.”]

This just really doesn’t seem to fit with their relationship in canon. N is really passive and goes along with Ghetsis because he doesn’t think anything of it, including not leaving. And he never seems motivated by fear. I’d more easily see Ghetsis taking advantage of the fact N doesn’t know anything to have sex with him than that he’s being obviously abusive. Plus, it’s pretty stupid to do this to someone who talks to pokemon all the time when those pokemon might just decide to solve the problem by killing you.

You’ve also got a lot of mechanical errors in this.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8861375/1/Supreme-Hearts

[My name is Luna Abney and I am 17 years old. ]

Write out numbers with letters.

[I am looking forward to catching all kinds of sexy Pokemon. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Also, so we’re clear, do you understand what rape is?

[I yawned as I brushed out my mid back length teal hair. I smiled at my self in the mirror. I stood up and went to go put on a Black Veil Brides t-shirt, black ripped jeans, black boots and fingerless gloves. ]

Don’t list everything about your character’s appearance at once, that outfit is ridiculous, and it’s “myself”.

[ the female ]

Don’t refer to people like this.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Out popped a Tepig.
The Tepig was short, about five feet, and had orange and black hair. Her eyes were a brownish color. She wore a orange dress with black in certain areas. On her hands were black gloves and on her feet were black boots over orrange tights. The Tepig looked up at me cutely.]

Why.

[ I;ve ]

PROOFREAD.

[“Hello miss,” he said in the most sexiest voice I had heard as he bowed to me. I noticed that he had a Romanian accent.
“Hello,” I replied. I looked them over and then looked at the Oshawott.
“You will be my Pokemon,” I said to him.]

Because god knows we don’t have enough stories in this fandom about fucking things you legally own.

[ He sucked on my breasts, swirling his tounge over my nipples. ]

It’s important to have such basic skills as running spellcheck before you post porn, because failing at even that makes you seem like you’re a particularly dim five year old, and most people don’t like thinking about that in conjunction with sex. But then, this is a story about fucking starter pokemon so maybe that’s your target audience.

[“Fuck that was awesome,” I stated. Taki smiled and kissed my cheek.
“Yes. Yes it was,” he stated.]

Don’t use stated. At all.

This is the second story so far to have a review. The review is not STOP DOING THIS either.

Look, you want to write porn where the pokemon are basically humans? Fine! Just stop writing it where the pokemon have no choice about who their trainer is! Is that so damn hard?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8861763/1/Your-Betrayal

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8861962/1/A-New-Rival-N

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Eh, you should really do more than just copy what the game did. There’s no real point in seeing what Ash thinks of hearing about how people should let pokemon go because he tried leaving Pikachu once already, and what you’ve done here, having him offer it again like he forgot about all that, makes him look like a brain-damaged idiot. Try for something resembling nuance here.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

This is the next one to have any reviews.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8862065/1/Iris-Start

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Also has a review, this one crit.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8862090/1/All-We-Are

[Mew had seen it change through so many years but this; this was the worst change of all. Humans fought against humans; Pokemon forced to slaughter not only each other but people as well. ]

Why on earth would it be so much worse for pokemon to kill humans than to kill their own kind? Also, really, like humans fighting against humans is some strange new thing.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The legendary Pokemon was not sure of how to go about protecting the humans that she had called friend for so long. ]

What about protecting the pokemon who seem to be in as bad or worse of a position?

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

…and for some reason she’s saving these people by turning them into pokemon, instead of attacking the people after them or teleporting them or something. Even though it seems like a pokemon’s lot in life now is worse, so it’s not like they’ll be safe for long.

If you want to do a people-turned-into-pokemon thing, you really should think a bit more about your explanation. And which legendary to involve – Jirachi stumbling on them while they’re wishing for some way to hide seems a lot more reasonable, for example.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8862116/1/Interrupted

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Has a review as well.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8862162/1/To-Remember-Realize

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8862196/1/The-Day-I-Turned-Into-A-Pokemon

Script format is banned, and with good reason. Mixing script and regular dialogue is even more of a mess. Also, spellcheck.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8862284/1/White-in-Black

[A Sunny day ]

Don’t capitalize random words.

[Like any true and half-way decent Pokemon fan, he knew that the game didn’t really start until after you finished the story and could really start to play around. ]

Any real fan would know that’s only become true in the most recent games.

[And this is where the Probability Theory decided to screw him over with a rusty, iron rake. ]

That’s not how probability theory works. Probability theory is the idea that random events are predictable because you can tell that only a limited number of outcomes are possible. This would appear to be that normal events are unpredictable because absolutely anything can happen at any time without any reason.

Anyway – well, I can’t really say anything much now. You had a whole chapter just focusing on your character, and you didn’t say much of anything about him. I get a general sense he’s kind of the dudebro asshole type of gamer, but that’s pretty easy to establish during your actual plot, rather than requiring a chapter before anything happens. You have him making a big deal about not wanting to delete the game, but he actually does it pretty easily and on a whim – and it doesn’t occur to him that he could buy the other game if he wants to replay without losing all his pokemon, something surely within his price range by the fact you make sure to specify he’s got a 3DS.

And now to get the angry PM where I find out he’s a self-insert.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8862300/1/The-Proposal

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Reviews again. After this it seems there’s a good string of those.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8862402/1/Did-I-ever-mention-that-dumplings-rock

Capitalize your title properly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8862417/1/serious-ash

Capitalize your title properly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“If it’s that you doubt your power and your abilities, read this.” Ash commanded.]

That’s particularly idiotic. No one would ever come to the conclusion that the disgruntled pokemon attacking them is concerned it isn’t strong enough. Also, since when can wild pokemon read?

[Pikachu just looked up at its owner, as it had come to accept, in shock at how powerful it could become.]
This is stupid.

…and now Ash is writing a thesis on pokemon behavior when he’s interacted with all of one pokemon ever. But of course he’s totally right. This is really, really stupid.

Please god don’t let this become the pokemon version of Harry Potter and the Methods of Being A Smug Shit.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8862482/1/Unleashed

[How could such a promising young man be related to Giovanni Vittorio in any way, shape or form?]

Incredibly easily? Assuming relation means anything, Giovanni’s a powerful trainer in any continuity. And the whole point of Silver’s character is that he started off not caring about pokemon, so it’s not like he was even that different from Giovanni in personality to start with. If anything this should be the moment when Lance wonders how he missed the obvious.

And for similar reasons I really find it hard to believe Silver would just suddenly break down and cry over someone hugging him. There’s less melodramatic ways to show strong emotions.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8862511/1/The-Square-of-Death

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“Well, Ashy-boy, some nuts think that a zombie apocalypse will occur next week.” Gary said.]

That’s a rather contrived thing to say. Zombie apocalypses generally are outbreaks of some kind, so they don’t just happen at a certain date, and regardless, you’d probably throw in a detail of how they thought it was going to happen. If you want vagueness, just have him say people are predicting an apocalypse of some unspecified kind instead.

[At night, it was pitch-black, and candles were the only way for light to be created.]

What, torches, lamps, bonfires, chemical lights all don’t work, it’s candles or nothing? You can’t send out a fire pokemon to generate light, or one of the many pokemon that can learn the HM designed around illuminating an area?

[Soon, electricity was disappearing, and electric types were going crazy. Voltorb started exploding everywhere, and since Kanto ships Voltorb to Sinnoh, the two sides started fighting.
No one knew that the Voltorb were the cause of explosions, because no one watched the event. ]

So even though they’re exploding everywhere and people are presumably seeing that, no one thinks that voltorb might be behind a specific explosion on a boat carrying them? Or even that since electric types in general are going nuts, maybe the voltorb being shipped might have gone nuts? You know, if you make your people stupid enough, there’s a point where I don’t care what horrible things are going to happen because obviously they just don’t want to live all that badly.

[Question of the Chapter: What is your favorite Ghost type Pokémon?]

Don’t do this.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8862550/1/Under-The-Stars

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

No reviews again starting here.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8862597/1/The-Path-to-the-Pokemon-League

The formatting of this is a godawful mess.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8862605/1/Meloetta-s-Ditto-Delight

This is awful. You sound like a little kid.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8862681/1/Curiosity

Incoherently terrible.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8862756/1/Dear-Agony

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

Stop using weird formatting for everyone’s dialogue.

And done for now. God, the category is really busy, isn’t it? I still have more than a page worth of stuff just posted today.