Some variety today.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8887142/1/The-Prodigal-Broken
[A building of beautiful marble and blackened wood ]
Blackened wood usually meant blackened by fire. If you mean naturally dark, just say dark, if you mean it’s grown darker by aging, say “wood darkened by age” or something.
[Empowered by the legendary pokemon Mew and Celebi, the Blademasters possess speed, strength, long life, and many other traits beyond most humans. The Lorn family, specialists in the Style of speed, capable of cutting a raindrop in two, of drawing, striking, and sheathing a blade in a single blink of an eye. ]
This really doesn’t seem to have much to do with pokemon. Those abilities aren’t at all in theme with either of the legendaries you mention, and they’re really more like the standard set of sword superpowers anyway.
[In the space of a single moment, the girl blurs, a dozen afterimages attacking the two adults with phenomenal speed. ]
This is a visual trope. A rather silly one at that.
So in addition to these powers being generic sword superpowers, their actual power source is called “spirit” so there’s no connection to pokemon there either.
Your spacing is irregular. There should be a space between all paragraphs.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
….and now the mom’s being evil while the dad’s good, yet again. And oh, it’s a stepmom thing too because this isn’t her actual daughter, it’s her sister’s daughter.
[ She was younger and I was stronger, and while Catherine got trained for this life by the age of five, Rebecca got spoilt like crazy. ]
First off, don’t have your character talk in third person. Second, this is terrible reasoning. How does being resentful of the fact her younger sister got an easy life mean resenting the niece who apparently ended up next in line and in her same position of trained with no choice in the matter? And you can’t just say people are irrational when your character is levelheaded enough to be laying out her exact reasoning.
Then they tell her she doesn’t need to do this anymore, she takes it badly, Catherine realizes she actually wanted to do this, and…they don’t just say that okay if she wants to do this she can stay? It’s not clear if this is because they’re idiots or if it’s because she can’t be trained no matter what if there’s anyone else in the line of succession because their entire system is designed by idiots.
And now she’s gone to the imprisoned demon to be tricked, because apparently “hey, there’s a demon in there and you shouldn’t listen to it when it says it’s nice” is the last rather than first thing they teach their superpowered kids, because that’s not the most idiotic thing imaginable at all. If you need her possessed, why not just say that the binding is a hell of a lot weaker and that all it takes is strong emotion and hate to let it possess you, instead of her being a complete idiot as well.
Anyway, this really doesn’t seem like much of a karmic fall, since it’s really just happening because a kid got angry and was an idiot. You need to establish that the contributing factors were because of the decadence and arrogance – that’s why they’re relying on a heir system of forcing one person into the role instead of it going to the best suited, that’s why they inexplicably keep it a secret that there’s a demon you shouldn’t release, etc.
Also this really seems like it’s your own fantasy setting, with the gods there renamed to Mew and Celebi. How do pokemon and pokemon trainers factor into your legendary swordfighter families and their magic swordfighting powers?
This is why I don’t like seeing swords show up, it tends to mean the pokemon have fallen by the wayside. The idea of superpowered people who can go toe to toe with pokemon is a great one, but authors don’t seem interested in going in that direction. Why set things in the world of magic animals if you don’t mean for your characters to be dealing with them?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8887152/1/The-Death-League
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[ I am The Professor. ]
Okay, you seem like you might be using the capitalized Professor to make things creepy and mad-scienceish, which I approve of, but I don’t think anything can justify capitalizing “the”.
[“Just your standard trainers contract, that the pokemon in question remains property of the Laboratory, any insubordination of league rules is punishable under the United Leagues Act 1989, the trainer bears no responsibility for death of said pokemon provided all reasonable measures are taken and a little bitty bit about absolving the Laboratory of any responsibly for trainer injury, death and so on.” The Professor takes a breath. “Well, all clear? Good, sign your life away. ]
Yup that’s creepy.
[Charmander were not the easiest pokemon to start with. They were naturally weaker, especially in cold climates like this. It is well known that a Charmander dies if its flame ever goes out. Just another thing to worry about.
I had hoped for Bulbasaur.]
…but grass types are the ones weak to cold. And they’re bad against ice pokemon, which you’d expect to be more common in a cold climate. It’s squirtle that would be best off in this environment, followed by charmander.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway this is ominous, but you stop before actually going anywhere with it. Your first chapter should really be ending on some sort of reveal here to give a more concrete clue how pokemon training is different.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8887216/1/Skyborne
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
[ the spiking Mt. Coronet. ]
Spiking would imply it’s moving. I think you mean spike of or something.
[At the las split-second, ]
Last.
[ It’s size ]
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I stare a bit at them in a pause. Of course, I can’t take care of them. If I raise them, people will get suspicious. Better to keep quiet. ]
That doesn’t make sense. If the sacrifice is sanctioned by their group, then they’ll be identified as the one who did it regardless, because they were seen. If it isn’t, then saying the baby pokemon are from that shouldn’t be a problem.
Anyway. This seems like a different plot than most and I like that it opened with action, as well as a degree of cleverness in escaping rather than just running faster.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8887216/2/Skyborne
[Two boom. ]
Booms is the plural.
Anyway, this is short and nothing much happens in it, since you stop before the announcement. It’s just a lot of suggestions that something interesting will be happening shortly.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8887216/3/Skyborne
Yup this is really started to plod. You say a bit more about the makeup of the group, which is nice since it seemed like they were all dragons before. That they’re getting attacked by legendaries isn’t much of a reveal given you started off with an angry rayquaza.
[However, we’ve lost many of our fiercest warriors today. I tell you this now because the three of us have come to a decision for what to do about this situation. In the past, pokemon were not made warriors until their final evolution. Today, we decree that all able-bodied first evolution and up will be enlisted as a warrior to defend our home. ]
Then there’s this, which doesn’t seem like it’s any sort of a solution. “So the properly trained adults were slaughtered by gods and we’ll solve this by sending out weaker people with less training.” There’s ways of saying this that don’t sound idiotic, like that they need more people in lower posts to free up the fully evolved for the direct assault, or that they’re going to mob the legendaries to death and need extras as backup. But just “the solution is to send weaker pokemon in”? Come on.
And it just keeps plodding.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8887252/1/Wandering-Legend
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This seems like a solid chapter of filler. You shouldn’t need to spend all this time on deciding to go be a trainer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8887335/1/Hostage
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“I spy with my little eye something beginning with T,” the feline Pokémon spoke ]
Spoke is not a said synonym. Don’t use words if you don’t know how to use them.
Well that went on and on and on. Just because the anime has filler doesn’t mean you should replicate that feeling in fanfics. Just get to the point.
[“Well, if that rat’s so eager to come with us, then let’s take it!” Jessie grinned triumphantly.
“But that wasn’t our plan, Jessie,” Meowth reminded her. “We had a different capture in mind today.”]
This is idiotic. They could just get both of them.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8887456/1/Pokemon-of-the-Dark-Void
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
Seven sentences is not long enough for a first chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8887456/2/Pokemon-of-the-Dark-Void
Don’t start your story with your character waking up. It was boring the first time and it’s now been done thousands of times. Start the story when something that isn’t exactly like every other fanfic happens.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[“Now, onto the matter at hand. There is something I want you to do for me. My name is Rowan and I study Pokemon. However, current laws are really putting me in a bind here. Firstly, it’s the fact that you can only capture the first Pokemon in an area. I would like you to try and get rarer species if possible,” Rowan looked concerned.
“Huh? Why is that law in effect?” Alex looked perplexed.
“It’s something called The Nuzlocke Association. They are cracking down on Pokemon collectors. There are agents all over the Sinnoh region. Any Pokemon you capture must be inspected at certain checkpoints. If they find you have too many Pokemon, they will take your newest catches. It’s to stop people from neglecting their Pokemon by keeping them in their PC boxes for too long.”]
So close and yet so terribly far.
The second paragraph is a good idea. The problem is it has nothing to do with the rule of only catching the first pokemon, or even of only catching one pokemon – there’s no reason why you can’t give up five pokemon you caught and keep the sixth, since the stated reason is just to prevent people from having a surplus in boxes. More, that’d be better accomplished by a hard limit on how many pokemon total trainers were allowed to have at any point.
If you want a reason to prevent people from catching more than the first, you’re better off with something about depleting rare pokemon populations.
And yet again the nulocke run fanfics fall to their great enemy, failing to think anything through.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8887460/1/David-s-Story
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This is terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8887555/1/Sting
[ Professor Oaks Lab ]
Oak’s. Apostrophe for possession.
[From travellers he’s heard of infertility rate of human and pokemon, mostly pokemon. ]
Infertility rate is not a thing by itself. You have to say “high infertility rate”.
[It wasn’t looking good for survival rate.]
Survival rate is the number of living people who don’t die, not the number of babies never being created. You mean something more like “long-term survival”.
[Hours later he came back to his senses, he by then had found that he was a humanoid beedril queen. Big breasts from humanity, he was happy to learn that his penis still existed even though it was internal till use.
Sadly the wings on his body were to weak to fly away, and he had no clue how to fly. And people might notice the large wasp ass and stinger, not to mention the fur and armoured bits.
Then hunger came upon him, and not in his stomach.
He hissed as warmth tingled in his new beedril female vagina, hsi wings flexed in frantic way sending up a buzzing sound.]
I think I’m done here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8887630/1/All-Because-of-Memories
Don’t delete and repost, it’s childish.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8887641/1/Shadows-of-Almia
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Stop using exclamation marks for every sentence.
[“Congratulations! You have now joined our indestructible Team School!” said. ]
You’re missing words. Proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8888017/1/Crimson-s-Saga
Trainers start at ten.
Write out numbers with letters.
Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.
Your formatting is a mess, you should have a space between each paragraph.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Wait!” the professor shouted. “You haven’t got all your Pokémon yet!”
Surprised, Crimson and Cobalt walked back into the room.
“Because you’re both so important to me, I caught a bunch of wild Pokémon last week just for this occasion. Please, select five more Pokémon from the computer.” ]
Christ. What’s the point of being a trainer if you’re handed a full team right from the start?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8888053/1/The-Noble-Purple-Town
This isn’t a story. If you want to talk about creepy pokemon stories, do it on a forum.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8888239/1/The-Adventures-of-Dragonite-and-Melanie
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Conversely, Nurse Joy is a name and title combination, and therefore capitalized as such.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8888579/1/Coils
Hm.
[Wherever this was, it lacked any sort of light, requiring me to run a magnetic detection radar scan of my surroundings.
After a few brief seconds, the results were complete: This place was a large, open room. The walls were covered in slots, each designed to hold a metallic machine. An orb, and two horseshoe magnet units were all each machine consisted of.
I blinked once more, and a small, localized light field surrounded me, allowing me to visualize my surroundings in the normal spectrum]
This is disappointing. The pokemon “seeing” with a different sense was interesting, and I don’t see any point in even mentioning it if you immediately switch over to it looking around like anyone else to see the same thing.
[cirlce ]
Spellcheck.
This seems to be in a weird middle zone where the magnemite isn’t emotionless enough to make a point of it, nor emotional enough to make it exciting.
It’d probably have worked better to have the magnemite awake before this but just completely uninterested in leaving. Then give it a reason for moving away from its slot, like curiosity, instead of just doing it because it suddenly was aware and just knowing it should try to leave, and actual fear, instead of, again, just knowing it should feel like running. The idea is supposed to be that it’s considered defective for emotions, so show what those are.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8888619/1/Pride
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8888633/1/Pokemon-Ranger-The-Type-Experts
[Thank you for choosing this Fanficiton out of the other (possibly even better) Fanficiton’s out there! ]
Your author’s note should not be full of simple errors. It’s “fanfiction”, that spelling and capitaliation, and you never use an apostrophe for a plural.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8888640/1/Ghosts
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Then came the crisis of Sinnoh, time and space themselves unravelling. Crisis after crisis followed, each time the relation between Human and Pokémon deteriorating, until finally, a stray Shadow Ball hit a Human official, killing him outright. ]
This is ridiculous. There is no way people were never killed by accident before now. Reading between the lines about how you’re not allowed to enter tall grass without a pokemon, or the gen three game’s opening, and it’s clear that people without pokemon are hurt or killed by wild pokemon regularly.
[Any Pokémon entering one of these places was never heard from again. Until one day, almost a decade after the facilities had been opened, a small Abra returned to his home. He had a gunshot wound in his shoulder, and before dying of his injury, had delivered a message:
“Flee. The Humans are destroying us…”]
Even more ridiculous.
The reason people keep pokemon is because their only way of handling dangerous pokemon is having pokemon on their side protecting them. The idea that massive numbers of high level trained pokemon could be safely exterminated is idiotic.
[Uproar followed. Those who were strong went and fought, to no avail. They were all captured. ]
You know what else people rely on pokemon to do? Capture other pokemon.
If you want things to sour between humans and pokemon, and pokemon to lose the resulting conflict, it’d make far more sense to say humans outgrew them. If humans develop technology that replaces their reliance on pokemon, the pokemon no longer have any use and can only cause problems.
I feel like pointing out here that despite how far back I am, a lot of these fics still don’t have any reviews. It’s pretty depressing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8888773/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Bloody-Red-Version
Your summary is a mess of basic errors.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[gon]
Spellcheck.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8888814/1/Pokemon-XY-A-New-Adventure
Nonstory chapters are banned.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8888923/1/Translate-Angelus
Songfics are a terrible idea which is banned on the site. Songfics with the song in another language manage to be an even worse idea.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8889269/1/The-Life-of-a-Guardian
This is not a story. It’s a poorly done summary of ridiculous events.
Why is RP always the worst dregs?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8889331/1/Pokemon-A-Girl-s-Journey
Your story is almost entirely bland dialogue saying things are happening. You need way more narration and a better grasp of what plot involves. Stories need to be about things, not just strings of words.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8889437/1/Neverending-Journey
[ whitnessed ]
Spellcheck.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[ the shape-shifter ]
Latias doesn’t change her shape. She can look human in the same way she can look invisible, by manipulating light.
Having her suddenly gain the ability to write is a copout. If she could talk, she’d presumably have done so plenty of times before now. With how long Bianca has been living with her, Latias should be able to communicate her intentions with gestures and implications, since wanting to leave to become stronger isn’t that complex an idea.
Well, this is decently written overall and I’m curious where you’re going with this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8889582/1/PokeCrossed
[The task seemed impossible. 23. That’s how much he was supposed to find. 23 of them. The list name. He was supposed to find them. The 23 of them were hard to find. He was sent to Texas (no city shall be named) and had only two places (none of which shall be named) to find those 23. But he did. The impossible task was possible. ]
This is horrible, horrible writing. What made you think it was a good idea to repeat the same thing a dozen times over? Then it just gets choppier and more incoherent from there. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8889688/1/Ash-is-Old-Now
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
If Ash gives away his pokemon because something weird’s going on and pokemon have become extremely rare, why would they languish in storage instead of being in high demand and given to someone else who wants them? And if they aren’t wanted, why doesn’t Ash just ask for them back?
[Anyway, I woke up in my familiar bed, the same one from when I was a youngster. I couldn’t let go of it, after all. It’s my morning reminder of the past, and one that I have no intention of giving up. I’ve kept my room in the same messy state for years, preserving the original toys’ positions rather religiously. ]
Why.
[I still wore the same clothes that I did when I was younger. Sure, my belly was hanging out, but I could keep my memories with me at all times. ]
Seriously why.
[This story is completely mine, even if some of the parts were copied and pasted from other stories. ]
No.
I feel like this is some weird sort of troll, but I can’t really make sense of why they’re doing it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8889773/1/New-Divide
Don’t open your story by listing your OC’s descriptions. If it matters, it belongs in the story.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8889745/1/Ruby
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Copying the events of the third gen games has been done to death. Jump to whatever part of your story isn’t identical.
[Most trainers started out young, and I was already sixteen and without a Pokémon.
“I just haven’t had time to catch any. You know, with the move and all,” I said with a shrug.]
The move that took years of her life, apparently.