I have added a new category to ignore: Pokemon XY fanfic by the idiots who felt like that was a good idea.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8889793/1/The-Fugitive-and-the-Pursuer
[“Benjamin Strackker” could be found on wanted posters across the city, which was a considerable chunk of land. ]
I’m not really sure why you’re tacking on the bit about land. Yeah, it’s a city, they’re big.
[The picture was outdated, but it didn’t matter; Ben Strackker wasn’t planning on getting caught again. ]
What? The fact it’s outdated is directly relevant to him not getting caught again, because it means it’s less likely anyone will notice him and report him to the authorities. Also, stop abusing semicolons.
[ the lowly visible ground ]
Your writing is just really, really awkward. It seems like you’re trying really hard to get a lot of adjectives in there or possibly trying to avoid usual turns of phrase, and the result is a horrible mess. Lowly is not a synonym for barely.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[His Typhlosion, Truffles, followed loyally a few yards behind. He chuckled, remembering the professor wishing them a “memorable adventure”. If only he knew. Anyway, she had made sure to “turn off” the flame upon her strong back. Having a virtual lighthouse follow Ben would definitely assist the pursuers. Who were they, anyway? The usually city guardsmen would be simple to shake. Step one: enter woods. Step two: run in zig-zags. Step three: enjoy your victory over their simple minds. The usual pack, the oafish guards, should start to lose track of him by now. ]
Why the hell does he have a giant pokemon out in that case? His plan is to run until they lose track of him, and another large creature following him makes that harder. And come to think of it, why hasn’t he just caught a bird pokemon so he can fly away?
Also, zigzagging is what you do when there’s a cheetah on your tail. To get away from guards you’re better off running really fast, making a sharp turn or two, then hiding when you’re out of sight.
[ Ben stood unsteadily before her in the moonlit forest. She examined his features. Medium to long black hair, dark clothing, and gray-blue eyes. This chump matched the description. ]
There’s absolutely no way she’s going to be able to make out his eye color in a forest in the middle of the night. She should barely be able to tell the difference between light or dark hair. The moon is not a spotlight and leaves are not invisible.
[ The bounty hunter grazed the skin of his throat with the blade, watching it barely cut into him. She considered the drop of blood on the dagger’s tip with an innocent expression. ]
This is really not how a bounty hunter would act. She has an incapacitating lasso, she should be tying him up as well as his pokemon. If anything, he should be thinking right now that shit, this isn’t a bounty hunter, it’s a serial killer.
And now a flamethrower attack which was somehow aimed at her feet, then knocked her over with the force, and for some reason that means she’s unconscious.
Posted back on the 8th. No reviews.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8890100/1/World-s-End
[ the citizen’s own safety ]
Citizens’, I believe, since presumably there’s more than one here.
[The boy crumbled it in his hand and tossed it across the ground as it bounced and rolled beneath his bookshelf. ]
Paper doesn’t really bounce.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Also, spoke and said aren’t synonyms. You can’t use one in place of the other.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Because of your sibling, you cannot be trusted with a Pokemon. You cannot be trusted to not follow in his footsteps. ]
That’s really not good reasoning. There are some places I could see this applying, but it’s a pretty dystopic setup where bloodline determines everything. In most modern settings, you aren’t considered to be basically a copy of your relatives and untrustworthy if they do anything wrong, in no small part because doing that tends not to be conductive to a functional society.
Now, if his sibling personally murdered the professor’s pokemon or something, I could see holding an equally personal grudge against the rest of the family. But that doesn’t seem like what you’re going for.
And I’m not really getting why it’d be so terrible to just take one? It seems like the starter pokemon are already there. The professor has no problem giving one up for a trainer, he’s just refusing to let the main character take part. I could see maybe being guilty if the professor had no such pokemon on hand because the main character’s the only one who wants one, so if he steals, it’ll be another pokemon he shouldn’t take, but that’s not what’s happening here.
[He had a choice between the fifteen Pokemon that had been chosen to be starters for new trainers. ]
Why does the professor have these anyway when it’s an island in the middle of nowhere?
Ooh, a growlithe! That’s a nice pokemon.
[From the trees, a large black shadow jumped down and remained kneeling before standing slowing. ]
This is one of those things that may look cool in anime, but is actually really silly if you think about it. Also, I think you mean “slowly”.
[their voice muffled beneath a thick scarf so their identity could remain a secret. ]
And this. You write like it’s an anime script.
[“I like you.” He said, affirming his admiration ]
Holy shit this is so overwrought. Get a beta reader.
The idea of a character whose goal it is to take control of Team Rocket in order to disband it is a nice one, but it’s not being executed very well here. Things this chapter are planning out like he’s off to be a regular trainer (with the equally regular important goal he wants to accomplish.)
[So far, no one has been allowed to rise to the top with a hero’s intentions. They’d all been crushed at the bottom, bragging about how they would be this era’s first hero. That was their first mistake, revealing their intent. ]
So, why is he so conflicted about stealing a pokemon? If the idea is that you’ll get farther if they don’t realize your goal is to take them down rather than be on top, then starting off with a stolen pokemon seems like a great idea. A hero trainer trying to look like a villain would be pretty cool.
One review.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8890158/1/Focal-Point
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[ Every time we get remotely near one it bounds off further into the woods. The seem utterly unperturbed by our existence but determined to completely avoid us none the less. ]
That’s not really how being unperturbed works. If they really were, they wouldn’t be reacting to the two at all.
[“Flar, flarRE-on. Flareon.” I growl, my voice slightly muffled by the Purrloin’s fur. (“Do as the human says, or I will tear out your throat.”)
I do not like to lump Master in with the other humans, but I want to make sure that there are no misunderstandings when dealing with these ignorant wild younglings. I bite down on it just a little harder than necessary to reemphasize the point. Arriving back at Master’s feet, I drop the Purrloin in front of him. I take my position beside him, but prepare to spring the instant the creature tries to escape.
“Great job Rose, it looks like this one’s a keeper,” Master says. With a warm smile and outstretched palm, he tries beckoning to the frightened kit. “Well hey there little fella. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna hurt you. My name is Mitchell, what’s yours?”
“Purr… loin?” it meows in wide eyed confusion. It glances at me nervously, backing up slowly. I flex my claws deliberately, as if daring the Purrloin to make any sudden movements. To its credit it decides to stay put, but its expression becomes more panic stricken with each passing moment.]
My, this is creepy. She’s so devoted to the guy she doesn’t feel the slightest empathy for any other pokemon, even one she’s identifying a a kid. All that matters is Master gets exactly what he wants.
Can’t tell if any of that’s intentional. I think it is, but it’s hard to say with the category.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8890889/1/The-Story-of-Red-Fang
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[But this wasn’t just any forest. No, it happened to be the Haunted Woods in the Forest Region. A place rumored to be inhabited by ghosts and the guild master Gengar himself resides supposedly in a nearby manor. ]
Your writing is really choppy.
Also, they’re houndoom, they shouldn’t care about ghosts.
[Victor had been leader for longer than he can remember. ]
No, that’s ridiculous. Unless you mean to say they put a baby in charge, he must have been old enough to have a decent memory before he could be leader.
Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[“I heard a noise and I came in time to see a murder.”]
And yet Victor doesn’t bother to ask what pokemon attacked the espeon for some reason. If nothing else, it’s just plain practical – they’re in the same area, if there’s a crazed murderer running around he should want to know.
[“So Hans… vas are you vaiting for?”
The captain didn’t even respond, he just stared out into the darkness.
“Leave him alone bruder,” The taller Houndoom barked, “He is vating for Führer Victor.”]
What the hell. Why are some of them German now.
One review.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8891395/1/I-Wish-Pok%C3%A9mon-Were-Real
If the idea is your main character is obsessed with quantifying things, then at least restrict your lumps of description to your character’s obsession and not every related detail. Also, it’s generally a terrible idea to say your main character is unusually intelligent, and it’s particularly bad when you’re writing your story almost entirely with short, simple sentences, because that makes everything sound simple.
Write out numbers with letters.
[“I wish pokemon were real. The world would be a better place if the world was like the show and the game.” As he said this, he started feeling his eyelids getting heavier and heavier. Finally, he fell asleep.
“Happy birthday, Thomas,” was what he woke up to. As he woke up he saw his mother standing over his bed holding a cake]
There’s something creepy about saying that making pokemon real somehow kicks gender roles into gear and suddenly his mom is home for his birthday with a cake. It’d be one thing if it were both parents but no, just the mom.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[ He did some quick calculations in his head and even though he didn’t know his exact weight, he hypothesized that gravity was only 3/8’s that of what he was used to. This was going to be nice. With gravity that much lighter, a journey didn’t seem so rough. ]
Gravity’s actually really important to human development, so messing with it would probably do bad things, particularly to a half-grown kid. Also, this is just rather random. Cutting gravity some still won’t let a dragonite’s tiny wings work, and it’d change all sorts of other things in the process.
[the Anime ]
is a regular, non-capitalized word.
[“Thomas! What up mane?” (mane is Wes’ way of saying man.)]
If you have to put a note afterward explaining, you probably shouldn’t have it at all.
Anyway, I’m not really sure what the plot of this is. Your main character seems freakishly fine with the idea his friends and family have had their personalities overwritten with a new, pokemon-friendly version, to the point one of them no longer even knows him. It’s just happy no-consequence wish fulfillment, which is not that interesting to read in a longer story.
Three reviews? Huh.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8891415/1/Crime
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8891467/1/In-The-Clutches-of-Team-Rocket
[I was grabbed from behind, a pair of cold hands clutching onto my body. I yowled, I didn’t want to leave my trainers side. They threw me into a little cage, and my eyes widened. ]
How did they manage this? A second ago it was electrocuting everyone in a rage, but as soon as someone grabs it it’s helpless?
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Why are they going through so much trouble for this one pokemon? And what good is threatening to hurt its trainer if they never show the trainer is even alive after that?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[ I sniffed the air, the scent of blood, the scent of pure evil, hit the back of my throat. ]
The way you’re setting things up, you’re acting like the pokemon kept and abused by Team Rocket are the real monsters, not the people in charge.
It’s like I’m reading the Hunger Games again!
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8891467/2/In-The-Clutches-of-Team-Rocket
[ I went and got some pokémon food, and sat in the corner of the dining hall for pokémon.
Why on earth would they do this.
Seriously. This makes no sense.
And now more of pokemon being the true evil.
And now for his disobedience he’s being carted off to Giovanni? Who he could just fry with electricity and end all this?
[“Good afternoon, Shinx, I hear that you’ve done something wrong.”
“None of your business.”I growled.
“I believe that you attacked the talking Meowth. Isn’t that right?”
“No, it wasn’t me that got him like that. It must have been someone else!”I shouted.
“You know, Shinx, I really have no idea what you’re saying,”Giovanni laughed]
It’s like you’re lampshading the fact this makes no sense.
No reviews.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8891738/1/It-s-always-good-in-the-end
Capitalize your title properly.
[his trustworthy friend, torchic, ]
Okay, so if it’s being used as a name, it’s capitalized.
[buissness ]
Spellcheck.
[ trader Pokemon ]
When not a name, not capitalized.
Don’t use quotation marks for thoughts.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8891822/1/Pokemon-The-Nova-Region
[It is the year 2029 and machines have taken over it all started with that damn Skynet, we barely have any humans left we need he-
Wait, what the f#ck, THIS IS MY STORY, Not the plot of Terminators, okay then on to my story.]
This doesn’t have to do with anything.
[There were at least one hundred or more people next to the gate, and they were talking rather excitingly ]
Excitedly.
[ You see a year ago, researches had ]
Researchers. Proofread.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8892264/1/Sinnoh-League-Bastion-s-Adventure
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don’t start your story with your character waking up. It was boring the first time and it’s now been done thousands of times. Preceding it with a dream about their future pokemon league battle is even worse. Start the story when something that isn’t exactly like every other fanfic happens.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.
[“Now, three of you lucky children will receive one of these starter Pokemon today.” Professor Rowan continued. “But, that will be up to me.”]
Three of thirty. That’s absurd. The pokemon trainer thing falls apart if there aren’t a lot of trainers. Without lots of them, there’s no point in having pokemon centers and gyms everywhere for the handful of people with pokemon, and there’s no one to battle along the way to get practice.
And then they’re getting picked by…using precaught pokemon to fight each other. For god’s sake, just hand out the damn bidoof and be done with it.
[Bastion tried his hardest to come out and meet Aipom daily.
“I chocked today.” Bastion admitted to his friend. “I had my shot at becoming a trainer and I blew it.”]
I don’t see why it’s his friend when he thinks so little of it it never even occurred to him it could be a perfectly good fighter. He shouldn’t need Rowan to come out and say he should leave with his aipom.
Look, if you want to do something like this, say that the kids are competing for the rare pokemon and otherwise have to settle for the bidoof. He runs off to sulk because he thinks his loss proves he wouldn’t make a good trainer, rather than that he can’t become one at all. Then things would seem less insane.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8892264/2/Sinnoh-League-Bastion-s-Adventure
There’s really no point in the flashback. You already said he found the aipom when it was a baby.
[“Aipom: The Long Tail Pokemon. It lives amongst the tall treetops. Aipom is able to use its tail as freely and cleverly as its hands.”
“I finally get a legitimate PokeDex entry on you.” Bastion said as he nudged Aipoms head.]
He should have been able to look it up before now – the pokedex isn’t the sole source of information in the world, it’s just a convenient portable holder for it. Also, “Aipom’s”, apostrophe for possession.
[Bastion did, however, pluck an oran berry from a nearby tree and approach Bidoof. Just as the Pokemon was waking up, Bastion fed it the berry.
“I’m sorry we attacked you, but you attacked us first. Other trainers may not be as kind in those situations.”]
That’s quite considerate, but I’m not sure how well it works. Can he really do this for every pokemon he’ll encounter?
Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8892480/1/Decree-to-Greatness
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.
[ Kids would travel already at 10 sometimes, and here I was: 16 years old and with a Scyther I had barely trained and never battled with ]
Then why didn’t he leave before now? Also, why did he never even battle one of the other trainers?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8892480/2/Decree-to-Greatness
[“So… what do you want to do?” I asked him quite guiltily. I was sorry for encasing him in his ball, but he was going to have to get used to it if we were going on an adventure. ]
I don’t see why. It’s not like they lack space or they’re in an environment scyther can’t handle.
[“Come on, you must have some idea. Do you want to challenge the gym?” I didn’t get to ask more questions before he turned around with a burning look in his eyes and charged for the small town. He was impossible to keep up with, but I found him eventually outside the gym, completely devastated and visibly hurt. ]
Well, that’s different.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8892480/3/Decree-to-Greatness
…and of course they win their first battle, despite having no idea what they’re doing and starting late. Also, your chapters are ridiculously short. Where is this going?
No reviews.