http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8892510/1/To-Build-a-Kingdom

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

[Sam gladly responded. ]

This is really awkward and it seems like you’re trying too hard. Just use said.

[eventually he found the Pokémon Center and became very relieved. ]

This is even more awkward, and it just keeps going on like this. You should really get a beta reader.

[Your older]

“You’re” is short for “you are”, “your” is the possessive.

And hm. It’s nice to see an established trainer, but so far this is just about how he’s better than everyone else.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8892510/2/To-Build-a-Kingdom

[“Wow, you sister sure knows how to take charge, *snirk*.”  ]

Don’t put actions in dialogue.

This is more of people talking about how he’s a great guy and also apparently now has superpowers. Hearing people gush about how awesome other people are really is not that interesting.

One review.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8892568/1/Once-upon-a-time

Capitalize your title properly.

[I apologies for any grammar errors, I’m not writing english very often because I live in Denmark. ]

Unfortunately, you’ve got a lot of those. You should find a beta reader.

No reviews.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8892630/1/Let-s-Play-Suicide

The formatting of this is horrible and renders it virtually unreadable.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8892668/1/Turnaround

[To be honest, I didn’t even know this little island had any form of police, let alone the miserly corporation owners who consider themselves as the “top” of the hierarchy and who feel fit enough to police the island. ]

I really don’t see why it’s significant it’s the corporation owners that police it, when apparently the regular citizens agree with this policy?

[But, I didn’t really do anything. I couldn’t wreck the island like this. After all, I’m just one being, and I’m not even strong enough to uproot a palm tree. No human can uproot a palm tree – nor can he or she fire railgun-like beams from their hands for that matter. Although, I can admit to taking a major part in the destruction of the island, since I have had a huge influence on the inhuman island dwellers ]

So he did do things. I don’t see what the point is of him trying to dodge responsibility here when it’s something he fully intended. This is generally way too wordy to the point it’s hard to make out what you’re actually saying, let alone care about it.

[After a while, the man shakes his head. “Don’t answer me, then. I’ll look you up in the records later. For now, you’ll be known as… Nat Turner Junior, how’s that sound?”
So that’s who I’ve become. Nat Turner, one of the many people in history who tried to make a change, but ultimately failed, just like I have.]

No. No one arresting this kid would name him after a martyr to a movement that ultimately won and is now looked back on as completely right.

[The policeman smirks, and it becomes clear that an idea has come to him. “You know what? Maybe we will lynch you. Just like Turner. I’m sure we can make a sloppy scaffold in no time. Heck, we could just tie a noose to a tree, how does that sound? And we can make it a public event, too, just like in the olden days. It’d sure be fitting.”
Finally, I find my voice. “That’s awful! Don’t you know, Nat Turner attempted to overthrow his officials in order to stop the subordination of him and the other Africans who had been enslaved. Considering you’re black, and mostly all of you are black, doesn’t slavery make you angry? What if you had to labor all day under horrible conditions!? Had you been alive during the early 1800s, you would have to labor all day. All of you would have to labor all day! Every last one of you!”]

Holy shit I do not think you thought this through.

No reviews.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8892885/1/Sinnoh-Stories

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ “Did she just talk?” Tempest asks. “Yeah, I’ve taught all my Pokemon to speak English. Pyrina, on the other hand, can also speak Orre, Ransei, and Fiore. So a total of four languages, five if you count Pokemon.” I explain as the three of us sit down in the lounge area.
“Incredible. What Pokemon do you have?” She asks in awe. “Pyrina, Zag my Zangoose, Dreamer my Shadow Lugia, Pyris my Ho-Oh and Dreamer’s mate, Natalie their daughter, and Vixen my Shiny Ninetails.” “How can you carry more than six Pokemon?” “That’s our little secret, Tempest.” ]

Your character is a ridiculous sue.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8893095/1/Back-to-Basics

[Note: This will be in TV format.]

You seem to have missed the part where writing is not television and does not need an opening song or a character to read a title card.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[10 minutes later…]

First, this should be worked into the narration. Second, they can’t walk from Pewter to Cerulean in ten minutes.

[All of a sudden, it hit him. He now realized why he always lost in every league after Johto: He was starting fresh! That meant his older Pokemon got rusty, and got little training. ]

Even going on the most negative Ash-is-an-idiot portrayals, I can’t see him getting blindsided by this.

[CREDITS
Back to Basics
Creator: marioluigifan05
Theme Song: Jason Paige
4Kids Entertainment
Voices
Ash, Delia: Veronica Taylor
Brock: Eric Stuart
Professor Oak: Stan Hart
Tracey: Ted Lewis
Misty: Rachael Lillis
Pikachu: Ikue Otani]

Jesus christ what made you think this was a good idea.

Two reviews. There continues to be a correlation between low quality and reviews.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8893102/1/PMD-Relatable

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[At the time, I had no initial interest in love so much to the point that I thought I didn’t need it. ]

This is a mess. What is that “initial” doing in the sentence? And “so much to the point” is saying the same thing over again.

[How this Marshtomp had managed to calm the hesitations of my heart remains a mystery me, but it didn’t matter now that we were together. ]

I don’t think you mean hesitation and your tense is all over the place.

Write out numbers with letters.

This was cute enough, but rather slow.

[Also if it wouldn’t be too much to ask, would anybody mind beta-reading the upcoming chapters to my story? ]

If you want one, you’re better off looking through the beta reader section and asking someone directly. There’s also a link to a thread of beta readers on my profile if you’ve had no luck there.

No reviews.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8893236/1/Scars-of-the-Past

[The looks people gave her as she walked hand in hand with her mother down the street to their house. The look of horror and disgust on her once best friend’s face, the undisguised disgust when he saw her after her return. ]

This is weird and you don’t really have any context around to explain it.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“Blue,” the older man said in a stern voice, “you know very well about her past. It would be unsafe for her to travel around Kanto alone.”]

I don’t see how that follows? What about being kidnapped and smacked around by some Team Rocket guy mean she’s unable to travel? I could maybe see a psychological thing where she wouldn’t want to do it on her own, but not it being objectively unsafe.

Anyway, even if she’s better off with a partner that doesn’t mean any partner. If Blue does nothing but gag and say she’s revolting, she can find anyone else to travel with instead.

[ jade colored, cat-like eyes that she possessed ]

Do you mean literally she’s got cat eyes for some reason, or…? And they don’t even really have cats, so she’d have to literally have the eyes of some particular cat pokemon rather than the general.

[ his blue orbs steadily meeting her gaze ]

Don’t call them orbs. His eyes are not blue spheres.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

And she can talk to pokemon. Of course.

And there’s the bit where she suggests a name and the pokemon thinks it’s the best name ever, of course.

I can give this sort of cheerleading a pass because starter pokemon are probably picked to be friendly and enthusiastic, but if you’ve got talking pokemon, you really have to develop them further than just mindless cheerleaders. They should have their own thoughts and opinions and some should disagree with their trainer.

[Internally, Leaf was debating with herself. She knew that Blue with thoroughly disgusted with her, so she sincerely had no idea why he would even consider traveling with her. ]

…and…? You don’t seem to say anything about how Leaf actually feels on the subject, just her thoughts on his hypothetical thoughts. From what’s been said so far, she has even less reason to want to travel with him, so why doesn’t she veto it?

[ES, all humans can understand pokemon in this run (and vice versa). My headcanon is that overtime and after spending so long around humans pokemon began to speak the same language as them, although they still make animal sounds or say their names or whatever. Humans, however, still hear human words through the pokemon barks and growls and stuff. ]

Okay, here’s the thing. The more easily pokemon are understood, the more they become people. The more they’re people, the less it makes sense to treat them differently than people. Consider the popularity of dogfighting to toddlerfighting. Nuzlocke settings already don’t make sense due to the problem that anyone with the slightest conscience wouldn’t get their pets killed for fame and profit, and this problem is a thousand times worse if it’s talking people getting killed for fame and profit.

[So if you guys could, could we aim for 2-3 reviews just for this chapter? If I get that many reviews (or more) then I’ll continue and post a second chapter. But if not… :'( ]

And don’t do this.

Three reviews for some reason. Threats work, I guess.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8893462/1/Red-s-Requiem-of-Horor

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Hoen Region ]

Hoenn.

[The only other thing Red could see right away was that this particular Duskull was a completely different color than the picture meaning it was exceptionally rare. ]

There doesn’t seem to be any point to this but that you personally like shinies.

And now the duskull is killing Gold for no real reason. Mean look doesn’t freeze people in place, by the way.

[“What the?!” Red cried out when he saw the heap of his friend’s body on the floor. “Gold, what happened? Gold?” he tried shaking his friend awake but there was no response.
“It seems like he’s just exhausted. I’m sure that he’ll be just fine with more rest.” Duskull assured him.
Red look back at Gold uneasily. It was true that the two had been out quite late last night, but his body was cold and what was even more unsettling was that his eyes were open though they were dull an unfocused.]

So…he’s a corpse? And Red is too stupid to notice this?

And now Red’s just leaving the guy to go chat with Crystal about his new pokemon instead of trying to get him to a hospital. Look, if you wanted Gold taken out but Red to be oblivious, have the duskull remove the body and claim Gold left early. Then it’s suspicious, not blindingly obvious.

Now it’s killing Crystal for equally flimsy reasons. Why is Red somehow getting a pass?

[“Well, I certainly haven’t heard any reports of a Mass Outbreak in the region…”  ]

Look, just because game mechanics work this way doesn’t mean there can’t be a single wild pokemon that wanders beyond its usual area. That’s how real life animals work all the time.

And now it’s killing Silver, and now Bill has popped up to fail to realize anything’s up as well. I’m going to guess that maybe you didn’t mean them to actually be corpses when you described them as cold and with their eyes gone dull, but in that case you really should have rethought your description.

[“Though I still can’t figure’ out what coulda’ happened to ‘im in the first place.”
“Me neither…” Red mumbled inaudibly. He would make sure that Dusclops came with him this time and he would keep a close eye on it]

Wouldn’t putting it in a pokeball followed by explaining that he thinks it’s behind this be more productive?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8893462/2/Red-s-Requiem-of-Horor

[ and it did not take long before he had become so focused on the screen that he did not notice when Green had begun looking at some of the various papers on the ground to aid his search and eventually made her way upstairs with Dusclops behind her. ]

See, this is the point where I really can’t care anymore. Everyone’s dying tediously and I can’t even care about Red left behind because he’s a moron. At this point the only emotion I’m left with is irritation that Red hasn’t been taken out as well.

[ “Green” He called out when a noise upstairs had caught his attention but Dusclops was the only one to descend the staircase.
“The young lady already left while you were deep in your search.” it shrugged
Red sighed with audible relief. ]

I mean seriously. This kind of plot doesn’t work when you make the characters so stupid I actively hate them.

Oh thank Christ Blue’s here to not be a fucking moron.

Red’s now defending the dusclops. I hope Blue kills him.

…and now it’s being blocked by a locked door, because those totally work on ghosts. And none of them have figured out they could use their pokemon against it or catch it. Maybe Red is some sort of stupidity carrier, since Blue started off so not utterly incompetent.

And finally they’re trying to fight, but for some reason Blue orders fly so his pokemon’s out of the way and he can be attacked.

And more and more chatter, and more people getting attacked, and it’s all secretly because this pokemon was abandoned and that made it hate everyone, despite its speeches about why they didn’t deserve to live being tailored to each person, so Red uses the power of friendship to yank their souls out again. Your plotting really needs work.

Oh, yeah, and your title’s misspelled, it’s “Horror”.

Two reviews.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8893811/1/Aura-with-Amnesia

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ questioned Mew. ]

Use said. It generally fits better than whatever alternative you’re trying to shove in its place.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“We can’t tell him about his past, because of the Legendary Pokemon code of Conduct.”
“Are you telling me that you guys created a Legendary Code?”
“We all made it last month. All legendary Pokémon had agreed on whenever the chosen one had an amnesia, we will never tell any memories about his friends, families, Pokémon, and all his past.” explained Mew.]

Well this is idiotic.

Five reviews. Christ, people.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8893875/1/Home

[ Someone had managed to defeat Iris? They must have been impressive, but probably not as much as herself. She wondered if this Rosa girl would have won if Alder had still been the Champion. ]

Iris did beat Alder, you know.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8893875/2/Home

[That was all said girl heard  ]

Don’t use this construction, it’s really awkward.

Your chapters are far too short and unlike the last one, nothing at all even happened here.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8894308/1/Transformation-Frustration

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[ ‘Maybe if I climb up there, I’ll be able to see where I am…’ He shook his head. ‘No, wait. How could I forget? I can fly up there!’  ]

This is stupid. It’s like someone waking up and thinking, Maybe if I crawl to the table, I can have some breakfast… No, wait. How could I forget? I can walk over there!

And eh, nothing happened except on the final line where it was suggested interesting things might end up happening later. Get to where your plot actually starts.

One review.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8894494/1/Physic-Wielder

[“There was an explosion on the end of the meadow as a Gallade was fighting an older Gallade.  ]

Why is the narration in quotation marks?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

[ Physco Cut  ]

Psycho cut.

Your battle description is incredibly boring. It’s just stating that something happened, then another thing happened.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

And now suddenly you dropped into first person. This is a mess. Proofread better and get a beta reader.

Zero.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8894509/1/InSaNiTy

[It had been fun traveling to other worlds with my friends; Fireheart, Graystripe (from Warriors in case you guys didn’t know. XD.) Sora, Donald, and Goofy, but now, I wad glad to be returning home.]

First, don’t put author notes in your story. Second, there’s a section for crossovers and this belongs there.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“I’m sure we’ll love it,” Graystripe added, flicking his gray tail from side-to-side as he looked up from where he was curled up, trying to sleep.
“You will!” I said, hopping out of my seat to look at them. “The world is full of all kinds of Pokemon. Some, are used for battling. Some, are used for pets, some of used to help people and Pokemon all around the world. You guys will love it!”]

Don’t repeat the game opening like this and it’s rather unfitting anyway, isn’t it? It’s all about what humans use pokemon for, said to a cat who’s presumably closer to pokemon than humans.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8894509/2/InSaNiTy

[ The once green grass and tress where now brown and dead. ]

Trees. Were.

[human fulled  ]

Filled. Proofread.

[I questioned ]

Use said. It generally fits better than whatever alternative you’re trying to shove in its place.

Get a beta reader.

No reviews.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8894698/1/Break-the-Silence

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Not really sure what the point of this was – it’s just a canon based scene that doesn’t add anything new, and from your summary your story’s about some other character anyway. As a jumping off point it’s unnecessary because nothing was added, and I can’t see what else it’s for.

One review.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8894705/1/Deep-Shadows

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Anyway, hm. An alt timeline could be interesting, but you don’t really focus on the panic of how things have gone wrong for long before it’s her being annoyed everyone’s bothering to fight back rather than accepting she can beat them blindfolded with both hands behind her back. After that, there’s no real sense of tension or concern, since obviously things will be fine.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8894740/1/Translate-Come

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Songfic is banned. Songfic in other languages is banned and an extra bad idea.

[ Many Beautiflyes, Taylows ]

Look up the species if you haven’t a clue how they’re spelled.

Dialogue is written with quotation marks, not dashes.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8894890/1/Grass-master

Capitalize your title properly.

[ his mother had past away ]

Passed.

Write out numbers with letters.

[ It was safe to say that he doesn’t want to see his father for a while, he walked out the plane with a backpack slung over his shoulders ]

Your writing is really choppy. Proofread better and find someone to beta read.

[His Uncle was also a young looking man with Wavy black hair ]

Don’t capitalize random words.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Oh its no problem ]

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Don’t use quotation marks for thoughts.

And…it was just a random wild hydragon? That he then caught? How sueish.

[he is known to be the most powerful gym leader in Hoenn.” She said.
This brought shocked looks from everyone sans Alexander and Juniper in the room, “A gym leader? How why?” Stuttered out Souna.
Alexander sighed and looked her in the eye, “My mother was too sick and bedridden to support us and I was only eleven and I had to find a way to support us both. ]

How ridiculously sueish.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8894894/1/Silent-as-a-Mareep

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Come on Mei, my little mouse, cheer up,” Nate would say, throwing an arm around her shoulders. “Nothing would ever happen to you.”
Hugh would nod, smiling at her. “I wasn’t able to protect my sister’s Purrloin, we’ll protect you.”
In response, she could only nod. She couldn’t tell them she didn’t need protection – not being able to speak didn’t make her handicapped.]

Well, it literally does, and the fact she’s apparently incapable of any form of communication here to tell them to knock it off means it’s a far more severe handicap than muteness would normally be. It’d make far more sense to say that they never believed her when she told them.

[How she wanted to tell Hugh to be quiet . . . that she was tired of him telling her the Purrloin story every time they ran into a Plasma grunt or the Ex-Plasma members who were being led by Rood. ]

Quite on board with Hugh hate, though.

[he three of them back in _ town, ]

Looks like that’s a placeholder you forgot to take out.

[Opelucid City was covered in ice, her high-tops slipping on the ice, sending the brunette crashing into more icicles then she wished for. However, that made her resolve more concrete – she was going to try and defeat Neo-Plasma, she was going to try and stop Kyurem. ]

Nice detail. You do well at hitting the more emotional parts of the game and looking at it from a character point of view.

No reviews.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8895122/1/Electrifying-Ash

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Use said. It generally fits better than whatever alternative you’re trying to shove in its place.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This is a pointless chapter. You don’t need to explain that Ash comes home and asks about the league in order for him to go to it, and you certainly don’t need to list off the actual rules or go on about ridiculous things like saying they’ve banned things the way online battling does. No one was sitting there wondering if Ash would use a skill swap exploit until you explained it was banned. It went without saying.

Six.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8895362/1/Pikachu-s-Withdrawal

Far too melodramatic and doesn’t fit canon – Pikachu isn’t deliberately sent to Ash, he’s given to Ash because Ash is late and he’s the only one left. And it doesn’t make sense Ash could have an older brother he never knew existed. And it definitely makes no sense that somehow a suicide of exactly two trainers and five pokemon each would somehow make a machine stop.

Three.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8895380/1/Aeon

Awkwardly written. You open and close in first person, but the middle section is in third. Nor does the middle section make too much sense – the king’s about to arrest the dancer just because she takes out a flute instead of instantly dancing? And it doesn’t seem anything comes of the warning not to summon her unless it’s needed – she gets thrown in a dungeon for saying she shouldn’t stay if there’s no need and but then the kingdom’s fine for generations, and then in the end she stays around the kingdom even when she’s no longer wanted.

[barley aged 12 ]

Barely. Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8895389/1/Call-of-the-Legendary

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[My bed is pretty close to my window with my bedside table right next to it. My TV is opposite my bed and placed upon a cupboard. My laptop is on my desk and surrounding it has many posters of my favourite soccer players. My shelf is next to my desk with all my sports trophies. ]

Does any of this matter in the least?

[She’s my best friend; I’ve known her for years. ]

Don’t abuse semicolons.

[My Mom ]

It’s only capitalized when used in place of a name.

And now lots of boring people are talking about boring things. Is there a plot? You should probably get to that. Next time that should be your first chapter, not people talking about their room and unpacking.

And now Hugh is going on about the stupid purrloin, because god knows that didn’t get old just from playing the game.

Nine. What the hell.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8895640/1/Zoroark-Rising

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Huh, so he’s stumbled upon an avenger patrat. Why is this so shocking, though? There’s really not going to be a clear prey/predator distinction when pokemon vary so much in power.

[“Prey can beat predator, I thought so.” Patrat whispered in his ear. “You need something to remind you of this. I know!” Patrat bit down on an ear and ripped the tip off. ]

That’s dumb. If he’s mad at predators, he should kill them so they stop eating his kind, not just humiliate them.

[ “Qu’est-ce qui fait que Zorua?” A/N: What is that Zorua doing? He said, ]

That’s pointless and annoying. Just write it normally.

And eh. So, he’s captured, then immediately leaves, heads back, there’s a long battle with his dad, his mom suddenly pulls out a move that can hurt his dad that she just never bothered to use before for some reason, then she dies anyway and then he kills his dad. There’s no real character arc, it’s just a bunch of events happening for no clear reason.

One review.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8895726/1/The-World-According-To-Mewtwo

Hm. That was interesting, and I really liked the style of the narration, it was sort of like a simple-but-chatty style of travalogue that really fit N and the situation. I particularly liked how he talked about the lickitung and gave their names and pronounciation.

I’m not entirely clear why N doesn’t try to stop Red from capturing Long-Sweet-Death – is it that he’s too far away or doesn’t want to draw attention to the rest of the lickitung, or that he thinks it’s futile to try to argue with trainers about this, or it just happens too fast?

Pikachu is really cute here, and I like how antagonistic Mewtwo is and unimpressed with everything. [ I don’t go around enslaving your people and marching on your cities. I know it is much, being as I am a pokemon, to ask for the same consideration. So I am not asking. ] Lovely. And all the talk of heroes.

[“Well,” said N, “surely you can be a hero.” It still made sense to N that a pokemon could fill the roles humans could, in their own way and societies, and create a region of their own, like human heroes had created Unova. “You don’t even need to find a legendary pokemon to think you are worth it. You have that power yourself! It’s just that you won’t know how to use it anymore than Pikachu or I… if you don’t go and leave and learn eventually.” ]

Also, there’s something so adorable about N, faced with an angry human hating pokemon that’s sequestered itself, suggest it go out and do things because it can be a hero too!

Finally some decent Mewtwo fic. And decent N fic, for that matter. So naturally it only has one review.

Let’s stop on that positive note.