Day 13 Pokemon Reviews (24)

Now I’m merely five behind. Seems the posting rate has slowed down at last. Might be my fault or it might be people finally getting all their holiday-related fic out of their systems. Or both.


http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7733285/1/Echos_Through_The_Corridor

[“Im home” I said, “I just got caught up a bit that’s all.” ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

And spellcheck. You’re missing apostrophes all over.

[ok ]

Okay, four letters.

[the Pokémon league ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7733836/1/Legend_Catchers

[And there is no one else with the abilities.” She muttered ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[her Buneary’s fur. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7733903/1/pokemon_ranger_kate_oneshots

[BRRRR it was freezing I had come to the gem room in almia castle after operation Brighton because it was the furthest place from altru tower that was also away from civilisation sheildon noticed my discomfort and snuggled against my body only to freeze my due to its steel head but I smiled at its sympathy ]

[I needs improvement but not full stops I was so excited about this fic I forgot ]

I suggest starting by not being a lazy idiot.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7733977/1/Why_Wont_You

Drabble = 100 words exactly. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic.

[my Pokemon journey ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[I did everything but cheat my way into the top. I trained hard, trained my TEAM hard. There was no option I didn’t explore to be the best. ]

…okay, see, that’s what you’re supposed to do, but you seem to be setting it up like it’s him doing something that’s wrong but not technically against the rules.

This is an interesting enough idea, but it feels a trifle one-dimensional, and sleeping with Rowan seems like it’s just there to make things more dramatic – given Gary’s age alone, Rowan really shouldn’t be taking advantage of him if we’re expected to think of him as even a halfway decent person. If you absolutely need to include that, I’d say you’re better off just saying Gary made an attempt and turned down.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7734004/1/Black_and_White_Heros_Challange

[“Delcatty,” the purple cat Pokémon pranced up to the bed ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Starting your story with a character waking up is tiresome and overdone. So is repeating the opening of the games in general.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7734054/1/Why_Is_It_Always_a_Kiss

How hard is it to run spellcheck?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7734074/1/Wishs_Journal

[a Zorua Gijinka ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[un strap ]

One word.

[to a stable ]

Table. Proofread.

While this is passable setup, it’s really too short. You don’t need to do one short entry per chapter. It’s also quite dull because you’re not doing much with sensory detail, just the minimum visual bit to identify characters. How does she feel? What does she smell? Is her fur ruffled from the straps? What’s it like being hit with a pokeball?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7734306/1/A_brand_new_journey_into_the_Sumray_Region

Capitalize your title properly.

[“Pikachu! come on lets go!” Called ]

Sentences start with capital letters.

It’s “let’s”, short for “let us”.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You’re not being clever by avoiding calling Ash by his name. You already identified him in your summary and in the author’s notes at the top of your story reiterating your summary.

[it’s back ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

[axcitedly ]

Spellcheck.

There is way too much pointless dialogue in this. Learn to use a delete key. Not everything you write needs to be included in what you post.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7734538/1/Five_Simple_Wishes

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7734565/1/This_Could_End_Badly

This really seems to have nothing to do with the characters.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7734748/1/Pursuit_of_Happiness

[disent ]

Spellcheck.

[let dad have passed out somewhere and mom at work already ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Also, looks like you dropped a word here.

[the pink cat-like Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Every single woman, those cowards, always chose abortion in the case of becoming pregnant. ]

Die in a fire.

Well, so much for our lucky streak.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7734875/1/Wish_You_Were_Here

Cute enough. It’s not really pokemon fanfic, though, more like an original story that happens to involve some merchandise, and it’s longer than it needs to be.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7734939/1/Ash_And_The_Gardevoir_Knight

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7735006/1/Best_Friend_Shipping

[her Skitty,Starbell]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

And you need a space after punctuation.

Your story is a mass of run-on sentences and comma abuse. Get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7735168/1/A_Fresh_Start

[i tryed ]

Evidently not very hard.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7735186/1/Running_With_Scissors

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7735627/1/The_Trainer_From_A_Far_Away_Land

The mechanics of this are decent, but it’s buried under the content which is more about fanwanking the series than actually writing a story. If your choices are to pile on a mountain of nonsense to explain things or just ignore it, you’re better off ignoring it. I can’t even make sense of this – Pikachu’s depowered because, but thunder would still be superpowered, and they’re going with the four move idea because they just are, and you’ve got extensive endnotes trying to explain this because even in a chapter devoted to the contortions you’re going through to set things up you still can’t fit it all in.

It’s also really dull to be reading about people who’ve deliberately hobbled themselves. Sure, it’s a challenge for them but it means there are no real stakes here, since if it ever really mattered they could use more moves or pull out a thunder attack.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7735770/1/Pokemon_of_Kenewyore

Nonstory chapters are banned.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7735816/1/Harmony_of_Souls

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

It doesn’t make any sense for the pokeballs to just happen to open while they’re in the air, and it’s not believable that the water types would just happen to land in water while the rest somehow hit land without dying. Just say the pokeballs open when they hit the ground or something.

[a Rattata ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Its lucky ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7735932/1/A_Mossy_Rock

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This is terribly melodramatic and sueish, and there’s no real plot. She’s a shiny but oh no shinies are hated and her own parents hate her but somehow failed to notice she was a shiny until she evolved and the prejudice against shinies is totally unfair. But then she runs into another shiny and goes to live with some pokemon that lost a baby because of shiny prejudice and now has a foster home for baby shinies and somehow it’s massive despite shinies being incredibly rare, and somehow it’s able to support them all despite it apparently all being run by one pokemon. There’s no actual conflict – she runs into someone who tells her to go someplace better, and then she does and there’s no problems at all.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7736040/1/Pokemon_Blood_Red_Challenge

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Mildly ominous, but the whole first half of this is a waste of space and then you end the chapter before anything actually happens.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7736612/1/On_the_Plane_part_1

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Explicit sex is banned on this site and definitely shouldn’t be rated T.

[“THRUST ME BABE…. THRUST ME AND FEEL MY ENERGY COMPRESS YOU!” Medicham thrusts really hard and really deep inside me, stimulating my continuous moans. I move my body further onto his member until virtually the whole length is thrusted in me. ]

Explicit sex should not be this terrible.

[I look at myself, my stomach is so full that I look pregnant. ]

This is not how anything works.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7736954/1/Quality_time_in_an_alley

Capitalize your title properly.

[wonder where they could be.” Iris asked ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

…and now they’re picking up marijuana blunts off the ground and sticking them in their mouths because apparently just mentioning drugs is inherently hilarious but you can’t think of even a semi-plausible way to stick it in your story.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7737675/1/Rayshipping_AnCL_Chronicles

Drabble = 100 words exactly. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This isn’t really a story, it’s a rushed summary of events. Show don’t tell and all that.

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