Interesting pokemon stuff today.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8895798/1/Pokehu-Adventures
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Don’t start your story with your character waking up. It was boring the first time and it’s now been done thousands of times. Start the story when something that isn’t exactly like every other fanfic happens. “Exactly the same but fox ears” counts as exactly the same, for the record. Have something different going on or don’t include it at all.
[Im ]
There’s a reason spellcheck tells you this isn’t a word and it’s because this isn’t a word. There’s no apostrophe shortage, so use them.
[my self ]
One word. You really need a beta reader.
[I then brought the pokewatch to my face, and was amazed at what I saw, on the top was the name Mirage, below that was an LV with the number five next to it, and below that was an EXP with the number twenty next to it. “This will show you what level you are, which right now is five” he said as he pointed to the LV “and this will keep track of the amount of experience you will need to level up” he said again as he pointed to the EXP. “Guess I got a long way to go before I can challenge all the gyms, huh” ]
This is a different idea than usual, but it doesn’t sound like that interesting of one. It’s cutting out the pokemon to turn it into the usual fighter fights opponents, becomes the best.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8895836/1/Explorers-of-Yaki
[The majestic ship suddenly waned in speed.
I sat up abruptly from my shabby bed and put on some reasonable clothes to present myself in to my father, who undoubtedly wanted me to look especially grand on this occasion.]
This is a jumble. A majestic ship doesn’t sound like it should have shabby beds. Also, this is written as if your character can tell the ship’s slowed really easily, which, well, it’s a boat, exact speed is kind of hard to tell.
[For three months now, the Kingler had sailedthe seas, searching for one thing and one thing only; A new region.]
You have two words smushed together, you’ve confused a colon and semicolon – just don’t use them, seriously – and I have no idea why you think you needed to capitalize a.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Even though there were possibly an astounding 14,000 species of Pokemon by now, a new region sparked hope in everybody’s mind, as more and more Pokemon to collect were always something trainers and breeders anticipated. ]
…maybe for them, but it’s rather unimpressive to the reader who hasn’t seen even half of the ones you just casually mention exist.
[“Why, Zoey,” my father said, marveling in my beauty. “You sure do look beautiful.” ]
Redundant.
[I blushed, but not in that weird I think I have a crush on you way, but that kind you must do as to be polite. ]
Okay, no one was thinking incest until you brought it up, so don’t. Also, don’t think blushing is one of those things you can do on command.
[From the front of the boat, land was slightly visible. The only way the crew members saw it was through a telescope of some sort, I presumed. ]
But you said they’d abruptly slowed, not abruptly changed direction or something. Why would they slow down when land is barely in sight and they still have a long way to go?
[I was entitled to be allowed ]
Redundant. You’re not getting paid by the word.
[Though I swear that it was after my father said to find some open land, Jameson gathered everyone around and said, “Let’s begin to search for open land to build a village on!” ]
Wait, what? Are these people explorers or colonists? Those aren’t the same thing, you know.
[and some Chespin.*
* Chespin is the officially released Grass-type starter for Generation VI.]
Don’t do this. It’s distracting and annoying. If you really think no one will recognize you’re shoehorning in the grass starter unless you explain that’s what you’re doing, then don’t put it in in the first place!
[We had to live off of the chestnuts. I hated nuts, but as I devoured every bit of the ones I picked, I began to grow fond of them. ]
They obviously had food with them already. If you mean chestnuts were the first fresh food they’d seen in months, that’s very different than “had to live off of”.
[I ate until I was so sick of them I felt I could explode, then headed back with a poorly crafted wooden bucket full of some more chestnuts. ]
And why was it poorly crafted when the bucket must be part of their supplies and there’s no reason to buy crappy buckets to supply your ship? It’s like suddenly it’s some weird timewarped pioneer thing where they carved that bucket the second they stepped off the ship.
See, the semicolons are everywhere. Fucking everywhere and I hate them.
No reviews.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8895936/1/Forsaken
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don’t center all your text, it’s really annoying to read.
[with my presumably blank eyes ]
Why is she apparently thinking about if her eyes would look blank as she stares into empty space with no one to see her anyway?
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
[I ignore the Charmeleon as I turn around to look into the distance again. My mind drifts to Kanto, and I can hear Chance ranting, but I ignore him. Truth is, I don’t like Chance. I’m not comfortable around him or any Pokemon for that matter. The fact he can suddenly breath fire on me at anytime and murder me: it terrifies me. ]
Which is why your character is…easily ignoring the angry firebreathing pokemon? You can’t write your character not giving a damn and then claim that actually they’re terrified.
[I’ve gone entirely hipster to the Kanto region ]
That’s not what hipster means.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8896057/1/Nightmare-s-Story
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[ I wanted one of those Trainers to catch me and take care of me ]
Why? Your character doesn’t like the other gastly because they spend their time attacking the pokemon that belong to trainers. Why wouldn’t they feel the same about the trainers who spend all their time attacking the gastly? If they’re lonely, why not just leave the area and try to find non-gastly pokemon to make friends with?
[She smiled at me. Her purple-eyed stare was captivating, loving, and determined ]
And then she immediately orders her pokemon to beat the shit out of our narrator. If you want someone to be a nice person, you have to show that, you can’t just say they’re loving and ignore their actions.
[ hit it’s back ]
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
[ bloody Bronzong (1) ]
If a throwaway detail needs a footnote and explanation to work, put a different throwaway detail in.
This is one of the inevitable problems – when people say a pokemon’s lonely, they immediately go to it looking to humans for companionship, because that’s what they’d look for. Ironically it’s that very impulse that shows why it makes so very little sense for pokemon to want a companion and immediately head off to find a human.
No reviews.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8896218/1/Pokemon-Adventures-Black-and-White-2
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[ “Look, I don’t have time to help some tourist with the sights; I’m supposed to meet one of Professor Juniper’s assistants to get my first Pokémon.” ]
Stop abusing semicolons.
I’m not sure why he still gets to pick first even though this time it’s Hugh she’s supposed to be there for?
[“There was someone else too, another girl who also really liked our friend. She seemed to take it harder than any of us, but it seems like she’s recovering because she’s head of the BW Talent Agency and with no Pokémon League the Pokémon Musical has never been more popular.” ]
…so White’s contribution to things is to not be a trainer at all but play around in the pointless minigames.
[At least he knew his friends had been doing well while he had been gone and now that he had been reunited with Tep he at least wouldn’t be alone. ]
That’s insane. He’s somehow been transported to the future and transformed and his starter pokemon has been reset back to a baby starter and put inside the pokeball he’d come across (and god knows what happened to the rest of this pokemon), and he figures he’ll just amble around collecting badges instead of telling his friends what happened and seeing it they can help?
Blocked! Which means that no reviews this time really does mean no reviews.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8896873/1/Shadows-of-the-Past
[Cedric didn’t care much about that at all, or at least that’s what he told himself. He just said he didn’t care about anything to try to hide his true feelings from himself. In truth, he cared so much about what people had to say. He wanted to have a normal conversation with someone for once. He had cried himself to sleep on most occasions the first three years after his dad left. ]
Your writing is really flat. You have your character boredly listing off everything about himself and his life, then finally get to here where he does the same thing even as you have him saying he’s emotional.
[ After he told his mom about the video message,]
What video message?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8896873/2/Shadows-of-the-Past
[ He finally uttered, “What’s going on?” ]
Use said. It generally fits better than whatever alternative you’re trying to shove in its place.
[ since dad left ]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[since dad left his dad left. ]
Proofread.
[He’s just overwhelmed. When he wakes up tomorrow, I’ll bring it up again. She chuckled out loud. I think I want to see the contents of that box more than he does. ]
He’s being sold to criminals to work off his dad’s debt, why is this being treated like it’s a fun opportunity? Also, if she wants to know that bad she could’ve just opened it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8896873/3/Shadows-of-the-Past
[He didn’t get much sleep during the night and had trouble falling asleep because he had too much on his mind. ]
Redundant. You have really, really got to proofread and edit better.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[. Suddenly, his T.V. powered down in the middle of his game. It came back on, but it was no longer his game on the television.
“You need to report for duty at exactly eight a.m.” the man who appeared on his television stated, adding, “And, if you don’t show up, there willbe consequences.”]
And now the criminals are possessing his television for some reason. Don’t they have better things to do with their television possession powers?
[because of the tears trying to escape out of his tear ducts ]
Tear ducts are the things tears drain away into, not come out of. See how putting a lot of unnecessary junk in your sentence just makes it worse?
Anyway. This is an interesting idea but it’s really marred by execution. None of the first chapter backstory seems to matter much, then you drag out the whole reveal about his dad and don’t seem to really get how horrible it is, then sudden TV possession for no reason. And all of that really should have been a single chapter anyway, not enough is happening to justify it being split into three sections.
Two reviews.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8896995/1/The-Chosen-One-s-Awakening-Prologue
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Also, you really don’t need to open your story by going on and on about exactly how the characters have reached this point and what their current relationships with each other are. Or include Team Rocket’s motto, fanfiction does not need filler.
[ I was kind of expecting those three to show up; Arceus has been talking to me in my dreams. ]
Stop abusing semicolons and wow, Ash sure became a complete sue fast today.
If you want to do a chosen one story, it works a lot better if you don’t open the story saying someone’s the chosen one and they’re going to accomplish X. Especially when you then go on and on about how they’re BFF with Mew and everything is fine with everyone they care about and otherwise make it clear that there’s really going to be no suspense whatsoever about if they succeed and everything works out great in the end. Apparently there’s going to be other characters doing other stuff later, but what does it matter? You’ve tipped your hand here that nothing bad happens.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8897113/1/Pokemon-The-Christopher-Wolfe-Chronicles
Don’t start your story with your character waking up. It was boring the first time and it’s now been done thousands of times. Start the story when something that isn’t exactly like every other fanfic happens.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8897113/2/Pokemon-The-Christopher-Wolfe-Chronicles
And nothing is still happening. You do have a plot? Skip to where that starts.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8897184/1/Complete-With-Ocean-Views
[ the late Spring sun ]
Don’t capitalize random words.
[He forced himself to sit up and straddled the board, finally opening his eyes; they took a while to adjust to the light even from behind his sunglasses. ]
Stop abusing semicolons.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8897882/1/A-Young-Journey
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Okay, I like that he’s getting a pokemon by some way other than the professor, and it’s particularly interesting that he’s getting an evolved one, but that renders the whole lab trip absurd. I mean, really, heading all the way there just to pick the color of pokedex?
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8898108/1/The-Adventures-of-Jen
[yelled a short man with a mustache, hair that looked a lot like it belonged on a clown, thick eyebrows and eye’s that looked so evil and crazy it would make anyone flinch. ]
Excessive description is just distracting. Also, “eyes”, don’t use apostrophes for plurals.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[ She burst through the doors and was greeted by a forest that was bathed in the white light of the moon, which surrounded the base. She paused for a moment taking in the fact that she was free. ]
Then she’s an idiot because she’s not suddenly free just for moving across a boundary.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And wow, Jen’s quite a sue. Magic flying ability, magic pokemon understanding, magic clothing-changing ability… That kind of thing is honestly pretty boring, since you’re using it to skip over her solving the problem.
[After she finishes her last thought see hears something. ]
This is a mess. You’ve switched tense and “see” should probably be “she”. Proofread better.
And now she’s running away from them instead of flying, because she’s too dumb to live I guess.
[Sorry for any grammer mistakes or with the story being in present or past tense. ]
You misspelled grammar. Look, if you know this is a problem, then find someone to beta read.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8898248/1/How-Ami-met-her-pokemon
Capitalize your title properly.
[Ami stood in the path just outside of town, today was her birthday, her 12th birthday to be more exact, and it scared the hell out of her. Usually it was her most unlucky day and her father had sent her to the next town to get a package and return it, so far she hadn’t dropped it or crushed it or any other thing her luck might have done, but she want home yet and there was still time to do wrong. ]
So she’s a misery sue.
Write out numbers with letters.
[ she was known for being a thief. Or more accurately being known for taking your belongings and not being noticed, which to every one else seemed worse. ]
“Every one: should be one word and no, those are the same thing.
[ her town in the trees, fortree, ]
Names are capitalized. That includes place names.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Ami giggled and smiled as she put on the pendant, it was a Mewoth’s head piece; her own Meowth hadn’t learned Pay Day yet, so he knew this must have been an expensive item to get for her. ]
Stop abusing semicolons.
[ in a white light that shattered to revile an Eevee ]
Pretty sure you mean “reveal”.
And of course it’s an eevee, even though a big deal was just made of how expensive her other present was and eevee are valuable in every game.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8898415/1/Tales-of-Overlooked-Pok%C3%A9mon
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[No one’s ever called me Nosepass, though, but then again no one’s ever called me anything. I live too deep in this cave to have ever been acknowledged by humans. Don’t get me wrong, though; I’ve heard of them. Other, more mobile, Pokémon always talked about humans and battles and devices called Pokéballs. ]
So…none of the other pokemon ever call others by name, that’s something only humans do?
That aside, I like how you talk about their life – it’s hard to imagine being barely able to move and unable to turn to one another, and even harder to imagine not minding it. I’m glad Gem ends up with a trainer like she wanted, and that the main character ends up okay with this and begins making their own way toward the exit to do the same.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8898490/1/Peace-of-Mind
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And hm, this is a nice little snippet of life. I like that it’s not clear if she really has anything to worry about or if she just had a run of really bad luck – not knowing what’s going on makes her breakdown make more sense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8898906/1/151-Transformations
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I didn’t get why they wouldn’t obey me. I was Todd Black, a fifteen year old boy who would beat the Elite Four. Sandslash, Beedrill, and Scyther were only my tools to victory. ]
This sounds really forced. As soon as they started acting on their own, he should have figured out what the problem was, namely that they can do whatever they want if they want to.
[ The earthy soil was wet and sprayed water in my face. ]
…what? Spraying means it’s squirting water into his face for some reason. If you just mean it’s wet and gets his face wet, that doesn’t involve spraying.
[I now regret teaching False Swipe to Sandslash. He kept me conscious the whole time, five minutes of pure pain. After that, Beedrill joined in with Poison Powder. I screeched in pain, and almost started crying. When Scyther used Slash, everything went black. ]
Putting this in strict game terms just makes it seem ridiculous.
[Finally, the tallest figure there was a purple Pokémon I had never seen. ]
Mewtwo is mostly white in color.
[That thing can speak?I asked myself.
“I am speaking to you using telepathy. And I am not a thing. I am the legendary Mewtwo.”
I gasped. Mewtwo?He was a genetically created Pokémon. I heard he was very powerful and dangerous.
“I am only dangerous to the injust, for it is my duty to make them pay.”]
I don’t see why Mewtwo keeps getting sidetracked into answering him. It really doesn’t matter, does it?
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[“B-but I was destined to beat the Elite Four!”
“The circumstances of one’s birth are irrelevant” Mewtwo said,]
The fact Mewtwo said it once doesn’t mean it needs to be worked in here. It doesn’t even make sense, since he’s not talking about that.
[That Pokémon, Mewtwo, he was using a move on me. Pokémon aren’t allowed to do that to humans! ]
He shouldn’t sound so shocked when his pokemon just beat him up using moves.
Anyway, this is karmic and all, but you should really edit this to be more focused. The story right now is rather wandering – it doesn’t even make much sense for his pokemon to be tearing him up, that really should’ve killed him, and Mewtwo is far too longwinded.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8898906/2/151-Transformations
This is lot more random. It makes no sense that they wouldn’t pack food and would be relying on mushrooms of all things to survive their camping trip, he transforms because he bites one, they figure out he’s a pokemon and…that’s all, he lives happily ever after as a pikachu hanging out in their house?
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8898990/1/Moemon-Silver-Souls
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.
[-A few hours later-]
Work it into the narration.
Write out numbers with letters.
If your humanoid pokemon are basically humans with a couple pokemon features, why aren’t they just living normal human lives instead of being a separate group?
…one. Fucking people.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8899377/1/Sinnoh-Leaf
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You really don’t need to keep saying they’re L100. Even the item stuff sounds far too mechanical. The nice thing about fanfic is that battles can be more than a sterile exchange of blows like the game – otherwise, what’s the point of reading about it.
[A few minutes later…]
This should be worked into the narration.
[“Hmm… we could…” Cynthia went closer to Leaf and kneeled down. Then, she briefly kissed Leaf on the lips. “…have sex.” Cynthia finished her sentence. ]
You should maybe not have this come right after Leaf brings up the fact she’s fourteen.
[“Marley. Caitlin. It’s so nice to see you two again.” Leaf said. “What do you guys need? Do you need your villa back?” Cynthia asked. “We don’t want our villa back. We need your help.” Caitlin replied. “What’s wrong?” Cynthia asked. “Arcanine ran away for the fifth time. We need you two to help us search for him.” Marley replied. “Again? Damn, what is up with your dog?” Leaf asked.
“Arcanine and some slut from Sinnoh fucked each other and I got extremely pissed at him. I threatened him to sell him away if he refuse to do what I say. That’s why he constantly ran away from me.” Marley replied. “I’d say release him if he run away from you guys for the sixth time.” Leaf said. “I agree with Leaf. I think it’s best to release Arcanine.” Cynthia said.]
What does this even have to do with anything.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8899564/1/The-Frozen-War
[ their a dime a dozen ]
They’re.
[I could easily be Special Forces, but those racist bastards don’t accept pokemorphs into their ranks. ]
I find this really hard to believe. The modern military is remarkably openminded about who they’re willing to take as canon fodder. Unless there’s some sort of bigotry about how pokemorphs will murder or rape you in your sleep I don’t see why they’d care, and given pokemorphs are presumably like people but even better I suspect they’d get over that anyway, especially once the first group that did so crushed all the others.. There’s more to racism than just not hiring someone.
You really don’t need to give your character’s height down to the inch.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Ill leave that to Silas. ]
I’ll.
Don’t switch first person POVs, it’s annoying. If you want to jump between multiple characters, write in third person.
My name is Silas. I’m about 5′ 8″ and a Zorua pokemorph. I’m wearing my usual attire, A gray trench coat, jeans, and my gray cowboy hat to conceal my red tipped scruff of hair on the top of my head. ]
Wouldn’t it make more sense to just turn into a random human before going out, rather than worrying about it a hat hides his hair properly?
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[“Some bastard jumped out with a knife. He got Roderick!” I said, mimicking a voice of utter terror, ]
Okay, but how does he mimic the voice? Is the transformation magical and covers all attributes of the person, or did he wait until he heard them talk before killing them, or is he pretty good at a midrange terror voice that sounds generic enough people don’t notice?
You missed a closing italics tag.
The bleach and chlorine thing is ridiculous. Considering how easily he got in, why didn’t he just bring a weapon?
Fun fact! The broken tag made the whole lower page italicized.
One review.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8899873/1/PMD-Hope-s-Requiem
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[~~Flashy..flashy…flashy…FLASHBACK~~]
Don’t do this.
[A piercing shriek kept him from thinking further. Gripping his axe tightly, he ran towards the place where the shriek came from. Moments after rushing into a clearing, rocks of various sizes were thrown at him.
“You brute!”
“Get out of here before you scare the Lady!”]
…so why was there a shriek?
And now somehow it’s super important he go find her husband, and it can’t be one of the various sceptile attendants of hers? And for some reason she gives him her pendant. And somehow he knows something terrible’s about to happen?
And then suddenly he’s killed by something despite the fact he was a good enough warrior to be in charge of training the next generation.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8899917/1/Ash-Ketchum-Returns
Terrible. Try harder.
Two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8900060/1/Disconnections
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
I’m not really convinced by the rattata’s change of heart. He’s already seen his friends murdered, so why assume she would leave? If he was just being attacked without ever seeing others get killed, this would make more sense.
[Jay, on the other hand, heard perfectly. He’d been able to understand Pokemon for his entire life, though he had no idea why and made a point not to tell anyone since they’d just think he was crazy. ]
Ugh. It’s really better to avoid this sort of unexplained specialness. Why not just have pokemon understood by people they’ve been around with long enough? That would preserve the situation where he can understand him and she can’t.
Interesting juxtaposition between the persian and rattata.
[Grabbing her spare pair of underpants since it was the closest piece of cloth to the Pokemon’s size she had, she carefully picked up the Rattata in it. Without a word, she got back up and started to sprint away.]
…do neither of them have a pokeball on hand?
[“Nope, Rou might have been carrying him, but I doubt he’s the one that did it. I know the kind of damage a Persian can do, especially to a Rattata since Zazzie has a thing for hunting them. It would have been gutted and eaten, not beaten half to death and carried around.” ]
That’s actually a pretty good description of the difference between wild and pet cats behavior, so it seems exactly like what Rou would be expected to do.
[ My Mom ]
Much like with pokemon, if it’s not being used as a name it’s not capitalized.
And only now do they finally use a pokeball, despite all that conversation about how much better it would be if he could go to a pokecenter.
This is cute, but the more you focus on the pokemon talking and understanding but not being understood, the more jarring it is that they’re treated as pets.