And then I was busy at night and fell behind again. Such is life.
There seem to be more people not capitalizing pokemon words but not much improvement on the dialogue front.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7737879/1/Shadow_Wood_Academy_Know_Thine_Enemy
This is really not how you do science.
[None of our tests have worked. Every subject has died. I…have lost count of how many bodies have been carried out of this facility. I have lost count of our failures. ]
For example, one common feature of testing is that the entire batch is killed and examined afterward so you have an exact understanding of what changed.
Also, there’s a wide variety of ways something can fail without being fatal. If everything they try has a hundred percent mortality rate, they’ve missed their true calling for chemical weapon production because that’s really damn impressive. Also, they’re incompetent dumbasses, step one of any test is making sure it’s not toxic death.
[Dr. Soto came in today with a sample of black fluid given to him by one of our employers. He seems oddly excited about it and even went so far as the claim that the black ooze would be the answer to our dying hopes. ]
If their employers already had a batch of superpower-giving virus, why were they funding this place?
Look, if you want some black box for them, say they’re restarting some project that was mothballed and most of the documentation was lost, or the sample was stolen from somewhere else.
[daggressiveness ]
Spellcheck.
[One of them attacked Dr. Manson as he was doing a checkup. ]
Yeah, pokemon do that. The canon opening for every game is getting a pokemon because anyone stepping into tall grass is at risk of getting attacked by wild pokemon. And they also seem somewhat intelligent and this place seems to be systematically slaughtering them, so they’d be extra motivated. You’re going to have to do a bit more if you want to show that they’re unusually violent. Constantly slamming against their cages until the door gives way, for example. That’d be suitably creepy.
[The pokemon are far more aggressive now and Dr. Manson is to scared to even enter their cages to feed them. ]
Why on earth would you enter the cage to give them food? What sort of idiotic setup are they using? And how big are these cages that someone can walk in? What are they doing, housing nothing but snorlax and charizard? Why wouldn’t they be using smaller, easily cared for pokemon like rattata?
Look, if you can’t really figure out how it happened beyond “experiment that escaped”, then don’t try to write it out. Just have someone mention there were some pokemon that escaped a lab.
Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7737941/1/PMD_Explorers_of_Destiny
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
It’s really best to avoid jumping between first person POVs as much as possible. If you want multiple POV characters, that’s what third person does best.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7737975/1/Back_to_Square_One_A_Kanto_Pokemon_Fanfic
[The Pidgey and Spearow ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Waking were the town’s inhabitants, readying themselves for the ne ]
PROOFREAD.
[The person who this call was directed too seemed very determined to ignore the pleas of waking up. ]
This is terribly overwritten. Also, you mean “to”. It’s best to write naturally instead of trying to force a style you don’t have a good grasp on.
[Years before, the right to become an official Pokemon Trainer was just an age limit. You only had to be ten to become a licensed trainer, though this lead to many deaths of Pokemon and trainers due to inexperience and lack of knowledge. So instead, there was a school system implicated for young people to become trainers. Starting at age eight, children would learn Pokemon basics, such as care, training, simple battle or contest skills. At age ten, students would be given a learners permit, which entitled them the right to own a Pokemon, though only one, while still attending school. Also, it prohibited Pokemon battling of any sort that wasn’t officiated by a school official for class or testing. Breaking any of those rules would be stripped of their Pokemon, permit, and any chance at becoming a trainer. Trainers with permits would learn more about the concept of Pokemon, more advanced battle and contest skills, the science of Pokemon, theory, and survival skills. At the age of fourteen, students would be given a class 10 permit, which allowed them to have more than one Pokemon along with taking month long breaks throughout the school year to collect badges and travel, as long as they are passing students in their classes. Finally after a successful school year with the class 10 permit, trainers are given their full trainer license which allows them enter the Pokemon League challenged if they had collected the appropriate amount of badges. ]
Points for effort. This is a reasonable system that avoids the usual issue of people just getting aged up without getting anywhere near pokemon. It still requires several dozen massive leaps in logic to get there from canon.
You start off saying the original system had problems, which is a valid supposition. So they changed it. Yet look at the size of your paragraph and the number of changes they apparently made all at once. They went right from believing completely unregulated ten year olds should do whatever to spending almost a decade teaching them proper pokemon handling, with incredibly restrictive rules and absolutely no leeway for breaking them. Because ten to fifteen year olds are so well-behaved and never ignore rules just because.
And you don’t explain why. What exactly are they learning? Why restrict them to only one pokemon, especially when it’s not like they’re able to do anything with the pokemon unless they’re being watched by teachers? How does the pokemon ownership thing even work when adults presumably can own as many as they want, so any kid can have as many “pets” belonging to their parents as they want? It’s not like they’re going on a journey where the ownership would actually be an issue.
[Trainers with permits would learn more about the concept of Pokemon, more advanced battle and contest skills, the science of Pokemon, theory, and survival skills.]
Why all these things? If the aim is to prevent the kids from killing themselves, teaching them the proper twirls for contests isn’t part of it. And what about kids who just want to own pokemon, or maybe breed them or something, why would they have to be taking courses on battling? Where does concept and science even factor in, let alone theory? You can make a good argument this is stuff trainers might be better for learning, but this is supposed to be directed at the initial problem of stupid ten year olds getting themselves and their pokemon killed, which should mean just stuff based around pokemon care and basic survival skills, with maybe a lesson or two on safe battling.
And bear in mind time is not limitless. Ten year old kids are not all expected to be trainers for the rest of their life. It’s just something they try out for a while, and some succeed and continue at it while others don’t. In your system, an enormous amount of school time is going to be eaten up teaching kids about pokemon so they can succeed at what will, for most, amount to a passing hobby. And then there’s the fact all sorts of adults have to be roped into watching the kids battle and keeping constant lookout for anyone breaking the rules, eating up their time and society’s money paying that salary.
Why something so complex, time-consuming, expensive and full of things that aren’t necessary? It’d be easier to drop the age kids are allowed a pokemon (…canonically, there really doesn’t seem to be any sign kids can’t have pokemon at a younger age anyway) but force them to pass a basic pokemon care test to have one and then later a similarly basic survival skills and simple battling guidelines in order to get a license. That’d give them time to become accustomed to their pokemon at home, where any obvious screwups would get noticed by a parent or teacher, and tests would ensure no one incompetent went on an actual journey.
An actual trainer’s school, with the expense that would involve and advanced courses on the best way to do battles and contests, should be optional. If you set it up as having a heavy enough practical component, like the one in the anime, you could easily have it so the students’ pokemon were similarly leveled to trainers traveling and the students themselves might be more skilled in some respects. And it could easily have strict rules about pokemon in the same way private schools can have stricter rules if they want. It just shouldn’t be the only way things work.
Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” for dialogue.
[I’m up mom, ]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized.
[Along with the age and scholastic requirements for a person to get there Class 10 Permit, they also needed to face an examiner in a one on one Pokémon battle and either win or last for three minutes. ]
Seriously, this makes no sense. Pokemon trainers are supposed to be common. The setting breaks if you have too many hurdles to overcome. Yet they’re being judged by if they battle impressively enough for the school’s taste? And you say that only a third of the kids succeed at their battle and that they have to wait months for another chance. This is insane.
[Kaseki was shorter then the 5’8″ Roak, Kaseki being about 5’5″. ]
You never should need to give exact heights.
[it’s head ]
“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.
[I never even knew Pokemon had abilities besides there attacks. ]
Their, which is a mistake you make a lot. Also, your protagonist being an idiot is even more painful than usual. He’s been taking pokemon courses since he was eight and he didn’t even know something as basic as abilities existed?
You make a lot of basic grammar mistakes and your worldbuilding needs to be better thought out.
Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7738244/1/Pokemon_High_school_The_Freshman_Years
This is terrible. Look up a basic grammar guide before you post.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7738371/1/Darkening_Dreams
[his Aunt and Uncle ]
Shouldn’t be capitalized.
This story starts off in past tense, then jumps into present, then back to past. Pick one.
[It’s a little –”he paused for a moment to find the word he wanted, “unsettling.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[the Tauros ]
Mostly, you haven’t been capitalizing things like this where you shouldn’t, but you slip up a number of times in the latter half.
Anyway. This was a decent setup – you wrote Wally convincingly, the watcher’s commentary wasn’t just a restatement of what happened in the story’s text without going so far it seemed unsupported or supposition, and I liked that Wally isn’t the perfect choice for the job.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7738436/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Black_and_White
Spellcheck
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7738447/1/Future_In_The_Past
[here`s Flygon, Glaceon and Celebii,” Mommy gave me the three pokeballs. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
And it’s Celebi. Look it up if you’re not sure of the spelling.
[team Rocket ]
It’s part of the name, so you capitalize “team”.
[Then Cobats ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And it’s “crobat”. Again, check the spelling.
[what your made of ]
Your” is possessive, as in, your story, “you’re” means “you are”.
[The grunts Crobats ]
Apostrophes for possessives.
[May POV ]
Just write in third if you want to jump around between POVs.
[“Hi! I`m Ash Ketchum! This is my partner Pickchu.” Ash said. ]
For god’s sake learn to proofread. This is an embarrassment.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7738835/1/Pokemon_Future
This is terrible. Look up a basic grammar guide before you post.
“You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard.” These seem to be rules you’ve invented so it’s no real surprise you’re not seeing much fic adhering to them. I normally enjoy your reviews but this makes no sense and is supported by no canon whatsoever … even if we’re going by the ~realism~ route rather than the canon one, Pokemon *aren’t* animals and, sure, I’m not really going to wrinkle my nose at the implication that in the Pokemon world, there need be particular grammatical requirements of their own. Even if it’s just a rule of cool or something, it’s still… kind of… the way it is canonically?? You probably wouldn’t add ‘poke’ to everything either, but in the Pokemon world you just do!
Really, this seems like a bizarrely arbitrary thing to nitpick at over and over again.
In English you don’t capitalize random common nouns; whether you could classify Pokémon as animals or not, Pokémon names are clearly common nouns in-world (as opposed to the real world, where they’re copyrighted) and therefore capitalizing them is grammatically nonsensical if you’re writing in English (even if, say, the Pokémon world language capitalized Pokémon names for some reason). The argument is perfectly sound, even if very few people are adamant enough about it to go around correcting others who capitalize and most people don’t really think about it that way.
The only reason “Pokemon” is capitalized in English media is because it’s fictional, and therefore a copyrighted name, and also because video game writers love to capitalize arbitrary things for no real reason. When you are writing an in-universe story, those reasons do not apply. Capital letters are also rather jarring in narration, since, by definition, they single the word out, which is why only special words are supposed to be capitalized. Capitalizing common words is incredibly jarring and distracting — and yes, when you’re writing a story about Pokemon, they are common words.