Slowly inching my way to being caught up.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8900159/1/Troubled-Waters

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[My Pokémon? It’s called Dragonite. They’re rare in Johto, you’re right about that, but many, many trainers have rare Pokémon. It’s really not as big a deal as you seem to think. ]

This is a weird thing to be saying, since the second gen games made a big deal about how special dragon pokemon were and had a whole clan based around them which he turned out to be part of.

I’m not sure what to make of this. Lance comes off as rather unbalanced and not really that good of a guy, but then at the end you explain he’s doing this because something bad happened to Red and it seems like he’s here in a straight heroic capacity, but that doesn’t really change that what he’s saying in the first half seems pretty messed up. Is it meant to show he’s right to be acting like that, or that the reason he’s acting badly is because of Red?

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8900774/1/Next-Generation-Paths-to-the-future

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“What? The Pokemon Center’s closed!” said a very distressed Bads.
“That’s because Nurse Joy is giving Pokemon at the Junior Fest silly!” said a girl in an insulting manner.]

You shouldn’t keep putting long descriptions of how something’s said after the dialogue. You want that kind of thing to be clear from the words or, failing that, some actual action they take.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Sentences always end in punctuation, not just when you feel like it.

[ a relived Bads ]

Relieved.

[“Why you!” Eli slaps Bads in the face
“Let’s make a deal: We both travel together. After all, we’re on separate paths.]

This makes absolutely no sense, but then none of the conversation has so far. Don’t just type whatever’s in your head at the moment, think about what the character would say and respond.

Your story is almost all dialogue, even the battle. You need to put a lot more focus on describing what’s going on.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8900823/1/PMD-Defenders-of-Sky

[17 powerful Pokemon ]

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ it’s own  ]

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.

[Plunge every whisp of fur on her body with malevalent power ]

I really don’t think “plunge” is the word you want here, and it’s wisp and malevolent. Spellcheck.

So the flute creator’s sole purpose in life is dickery, and Arceus has no interest in trying to find a way to help the person he’s forced to curse after she saved his life?

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8901133/1/Home

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

[about 0.8 meters long  ]

In general, you shouldn’t have “about” next to decimals unless your character is literally measuring before saying this. If you’re eyeballing length, .8 meters is called “about a meter”.

[ it’s back ]

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Normally their are ]

There. Their is the possessive.

[ because I’m legendary, there is only one of me. ]

I thought it was pretty clear that the lati family isn’t a unique sort of legendary? They had a parent and were siblings. She may or may not be the last one alive, but that isn’t because she’s a legendary. If there’s any connection, it’s the other way around.

[There was a silence while Mac absorbed all the information she was firing at him, a feat equal to that of reconstructing the houses of parliament from a children’s drawing. ]

It really wasn’t that complicated nor was her explanation particularly bad. Also, you are dragging this out to ridiculous lengths. Someone reading your pokemon fanfic is likely already passingly familiar with pokemon.

[Said animal was thrashing about in Latias’ mouth, but it only resulted in itself impaling itself on the several rows of teeth. Blood almost as red as Latias’ feathers started to leak from the many punctures in its fragile skin. ]

Rats are not made of tissue paper. They’re a prey animal, they’re adapted for larger creatures deciding to grab them.

Also, if she was hungry it doesn’t make sense she wouldn’t have asked for food immediately.

[ defiantly nothing ]

Definitely. You really need to proofread better.

[ “N. KOREA” in white, with a black splodge where the country should be. Sure enough, a large black box was covering a large section of the map just below China. He looked across to the info panel.
“IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE QUARANTINE LAW 1502, THIS COUNTRY HAS BEEN OMITTED. FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, THIS COUNTRY DOES NOT EXIST.” ]

This is not really how you handle things. Unless this is some Lovecraftian thing were the very knowledge of the word does something, you just call it “Former North Korea”. It’s completely possible to not let people in while still allowing it to exist on a map.

[But it was the only place Latias could have come from. A thought occurred to Mac. What if this country, North Korea, had tonnes of pokemon? But then a virus came about and started killing them off, so they banned everything coming in or out, stopping the virus getting to any more ‘pokemon’ there? It was a long shot, a leap of imagination. But it was the only thing he had. ]

God, he’s an idiot. Anyone meeting a weird biological creature and deciding it probably comes from the place with some weird biological attack would figure out the pokemon probably are what was getting quarantined.

[“Yes, Trainers fight their pokemon against each other. We enjoy it, so it’s okay, but since I’m a legendary I want to stay free to do as I wish.  ]

Wow, Latias has no sympathy for others, does she?

Anyway. It’s an interesting idea but by god are you dragging it out beyond all reason. The conversation feels really unnatural, especially when you keep having Latias say she was waiting for him to ask different questions, and his internal voice is all over the place. You really should edit things better.

Three.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8901786/1/Red-Satoshi-The-Fallen

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You really don’t need to give height to the inch.

[five of them regular, and one with a special design on it; a lightning bolt. ]

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

I actually went through to see if the semicolons thing is new or it’s just more irritating than usual. My spot check found it to be around last year but not the year before. Arg.

Four reviews.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8901796/1/Constricting-Shadows

[He didn’t quite understand what propelled him to visit the old lab that held insignificant files and information; perhaps it was because of Cipher’s involvement in the last two incidents many years ago that he wanted to go.
The ultimate shadow Pokémon was within his reach.]

In that case, he seems to understand why he’s there – because he wants something and he thinks going there will help.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[A soft chuckle escaped his lips as he slowly walked closer to the decimated desk, pushing up his tinted glasses.
“You went to great lengths to destroy any piece of information regarding shadow Pokémon. The Cipher key lair, Citadark Isle, and this lab. Magnificent job, snagger. However, there is one flaw in your plan.”
He knelt down, pulling up a loose tile and retrieving a small disc protected from the weather by a thin sheet of plastic.
“My back-up disc has all the information I need.”]

Seriously, how does he not know why he’s there if he’s there specifically for his backup disk?

[“Now I just require a subject willing to become XD003.”]

Willing seems to be kind of missing the point of shadow pokemon.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8901825/1/Mystery-Dungeon-Skies

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

Bold for one voice is kind of annoying.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This is a mess, get a beta reader.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8901846/1/Unova-Journeys

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.

Don’t start your story with your character waking up. It was boring the first time and it’s now been done thousands of times. Start the story when something that isn’t exactly like every other fanfic happens.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ In the Unova Region when you turn 14 you are allowed to apply for a Pokémon trainer license. ]

In the Unova region preschoolers have pokemon.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[AT THE LAB]

Learn to write proper scene translations instead of relying on labels.

[sweat drops. ]

NO.

Four. Christ.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8901877/1/New-Earth-Chronicles

[I am here to inform you that this isn’t a pokemon fanfic. This is an idea that I have based somewhat off of pokemon, but it has a bit of an Avatar feel to it. Be that as it may, this is neither related to Avatar, and it isn’t entirely pokemon either.  ]

That is what the crossover section is for.

You really shouldn’t need an entire chapter just explaining your setup. This should be worked into your story, and if some of it’s too complex to get across there, that’s a sign there’s something wrong with your setup.

Also, from the looks of this it’s really not Avatar or Pokemon, it’s just dimly inspired by and should really just be considered original fiction. Your major players appear to be the magic god type you invented and the two type crossbreeds, neither of which have any real connection with either canon. I’d suggest rolling some of the types together (ground can be split up to go with grass and/or rock, steel should be rolled into rock because right now it’s just “regular people covered in armor). A lot of others could probably be merged depending on the varying importance they’ll have in your story – for example, air and electric could probably be shoved together on the basis on lightning and that both aren’t corporeal, or electric could just be removed since it doesn’t seem like that’s much of a thing anymore. And the fighting type really seems to have no place here.

Eight. What?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8901883/1/Encounter

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ The rest of Mei’s Pokémon was either at Mom’s house or with Professor Juniper.]

Why?

[ ignoring the stares of Shiny Roselia and Roserade that silently watched them in the bushes. ]

Why are you bringing up the fact they’re shiny, and why are they when they seem to just be random pokemon?

And wow that was pointless. You wrote all that just so you could mention that there’s a new pokemon and then have nothing actually happen.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8901983/1/The-building

Capitalize your title properly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Red raised his left eyebrow at the nurse. Why did every single nurse at a Pokémon centre begin with those lines? And also more to the point why did every single nurse look exactly the same? Maybe they were some weird inbred family or something.  ]

It’s really not a good idea to bring up game quirks outside of fic specifically focusing on them. It’s just distracting and does the opposite of what the average story should do, which is to make things seem real.

Along similar lines, trying to avoid Red saying anything is pretty distracting. It’s clear from the games that he talks to NPCs.

[you’re Pokémon ]

“You’re” is short for “you are”, “your” is the possessive.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[It structural integrity seemed to be intact but there was no to be sure. ]

“Its” and “no way”. Proofread. Also, going by the games the place’s structural integrity is very obviously not intact.

[Red was on high alert, Charizard’s Pokéball at the ready, he expected Team Rocket to appear any second; this place for some reason reminding him of his experiences with them  ]

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[Red was torn to it. ]

What?

[ and the half a teddy bear.  ]

Seriously, proofread.

[While Red slept, outside the window, there was a whistle.]

You keep bringing this up, but it never actually comes to anything, and I really can’t tell what it’s meant to – whistling isn’t a trait of either of the two legendaries and you never do anything to tie it to them, but there’s no sign of what else it is either, and this is marked complete. There really doesn’t seem to be any resolution here. Red explores the building, he hears mysterious whistling, he finds the place mysteriously empty, it starts to come down on his head and he escapes, then…that’s all. Nothing’s actually resolved.

It’s very nearly decent, but the fact it doesn’t seem to manage the baseline requirement of any story prevents it from actually being so.

Two.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8902173/1/Kanto-Adventures

[Ketchum Residence:]

This belongs in the narration.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Punctuation belongs at the end of all your sentences.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

[Ash woke up to the sound of his mom calling him down for breakfast. ]

…how lazy.

If you want to do an AU of Ash’s journey, it’s really easy. He’s late because he breaks his alarm clock. Explain why that doesn’t happen and you’re good.

Instead, you’re just writing the same (extremely boring) opening that every last OT fic has, and the fact your main character’s name is Ash instead of Aaron doesn’t change that.

[ its Ash Ketchum  ]

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.

[” I would like to have…..”
Cliffhanger:
A/N: please review and let me know what you think. Which pokemon would you like him to choose. Vote for your choice on my poll.]

Ash says what pokemon he wants in the anime. He just doesn’t get it. There is no point in using Ash here. Just write an OC.

I wonder how many writers have actually seen the anime opening, and of those who did how many actually remember it. I would bet it’s almost entirely hearsay and fanon by now.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8902446/1/Pokemon-Adventures-The-Valent-Saga

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Yeah, I’m pretty happy about it too,” Valent laughed.  ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Prepare for trouble,” a feminine voice rang out, echoing through the hospital. ]

Christ. Fanfic is not an episode. It does not need filler. It will never need filler. Don’t do this.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8902538/1/Pokemon-HG-Nuzlocke-Shade-Of-A-Noctowl

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[his Mother ]

It’s only capitalized when used in place of a name.

Stop using whom, it’s ridiculous.

[She said exclaimed happily ]

Proofread.

[Rules for the Nuzlocke will be explained in next chapter.  ]

It’d better be rules that can handle the usual elephant in the room question of why non-sociopaths are willing to keep being pokemon trainers when they’re getting their friends killed just so they can be a star.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8902583/1/The-Decision

[ Jhoto ]

Johto.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“We’re not having a starring contest dad. ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized as one. Also, commas are good.

[ “Pika,Pika,Pika,Pika,Pika,Pika,Pika,Pika,PIKA!” ]

You need spaces.

…well, that seemed pointless. You open with everyone saying she’s great, she has a battle with no real stakes, then she decides she’s done and going to become a gym leader and it ends.

An awful lot of the complete stories have some flavor of this problem. I wonder if it’s related to all the first chapters that don’t have any point.

This person uploaded a big string of stories. A lot of people seem to be doing that for some reason.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8902855/1/The-Breeder-s-Absol

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ For one, I was stranded on this snowy mountain. ]

Stranded in its natural habitat.

[ Three, I had caffeine induced insomnia.
Don’t ask.]

I’m afraid a wild pokemon that’s somehow high on caffeine does need an explanation.

[I continued to trudge. I would find shelter, I would not die. ]

Why is it too dumb to just dig into the snow for shelter? Is this some domestic absol that’s never been outside before?

[ Your too heavy ]

“You’re” is short for “you are”, “your” is the possessive.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“Oh dear, that leg is in bad shape.” The older girl said. She ran to my side and started to rub the leg. She turned to me, pain in her eyes. “Forgive me.” Without warning, she grabbed my leg with both hands and kicked it as hard as she could. I cried out in pain as I felt my leg break yet again. ]

…she can’t numb it or knock it out first? You just said she’s got herbs.

…and yeah, she’s got poppy seed. Why not give it the opiates before instead of after?

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8903194/1/Ash-s-shattered-Pokemon-Master-dream-Yugi-Joey-Kaiba-new-trainers

Nonstory chapters are banned. Whatever actual story you have should be under crossovers instead of posted in the main category.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8903289/1/Unova-Adventures

Nonstory chapters are banned.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8903294/1/The-Journey-on-the-Erasun-Region

Write out numbers with letters.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8903312/1/An-Unexpected-Journey

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ “But… But I’m only ten years old! I can’t be a Pokemon trainer!”
“Nonsense.” Her mother clasped her hands, her eyes shining with pride. “Everyone starts when they’re ten! ]

Yes, which is why it’s absurd to have the character be shocked by the idea. If she doesn’t want to be a trainer, she should be saying she doesn’t want to be one, not that her age prevents it.

And generally, a character not wanting to be a trainer is not, in itself, that interesting for a story. You need to do something about why she doesn’t want to be a trainer, otherwise it’s just the story of someone whining instead of doing interesting things.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.

So many of these, always bad. It amuses me that they ban absols for the submitted characters, though.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8903395/1/Pokemon-Restart

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Don’t label flashbacks. It should be clear from context.

Use said. It generally fits better than whatever alternative you’re trying to shove in its place.

[“Nice to see you too Bayleef,” Ash chuckled ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8903395/2/Pokemon-Restart

[the man dressed in a black Team Rocket uniform. ]

Stuff’s happening! Good to see.

[ it’s mark ]

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.

[ outnumberd ]

Spellcheck.

[“All of us had our pokemon taken away from us and forced to back down. They warned us that if we called for reinforcements they would murder all of our pokemon,” she rubbed her eyes before any tears fell, “I’m sure they have them singled out in case we try something. That’s why nobody even comes out anymore, they’re too afraid to have Team Rocket attack them.” ]

I really can’t see something like that staying under wraps too long. Unless the robbed trainers are trapped here too, someone should have passed the word on by now.

If the police are getting blackmailed into silence, it’s got to be more subtle than this. And, among other things, that subtlety would involve them having to keep quiet about it.

[ The young trainer had instantly thought of the large group of Pikachu that lived in the Pokemon Center when thinking of reinforcements. ]

But why wouldn’t Team Rocket steal them as well? Are they only going for individual strong pokemon or what?

[steel latter  ]

Ladder.

Mm, second battle’s not too impressive. There’s no real sense of suspense, Ash doesn’t seem concerned about losing or anything and there’s no focus on how hard the battle is on the pokemon either.

Two.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8903603/1/Black-Soul

This is a mess. Get a beta reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8904040/1/Rise-Of-a-Master

[The Prologue]

Don’t capitalize random words.

[Jhoto]

Johto.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

[She had told him that he would have to wait and start attending the Pokémon Trainers School when he turned 10, but Ash was adamant and she had bought him the necessary books. What followed was a hectic juggling of schoolwork and preparing to take the exam granting the License necessary for anyone to possess a Pokémon. ]

You seem to be writing about an OC here. Ash isn’t particularly knowledgeable about pokemon.

[He had absolutely aced the Pokémon Trainer acceptance exams and had also secured himself a License as an Archaeologist. ]

Yeah, this is definitely an OC. Just embrace that instead of trying to stuff it all into Ash.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[The raven haired teen felt nervous  ]

When writing description like “raven haired teen”, you really need to ask yourself what it has to do with the sentence. In this case, nothing, so it shouldn’t be there.

[“Well, you see I have a Pokémon with me that isn’t quite suitable as a starter Pokémon for a Rookie Trainer. It’s quite powerful for its species but I dare say it wouldn’t be quite happy to see itself captured.” ]

This is really sueish.

If you want him to get a different pokemon – presumably this will be Pikachu? – then have him say he wants Ash to take it because Ash is good with pokemon and it’s got issues. Nothing about it being unusually powerful and special.

…also no, it shouldn’t be a shiny. Why even do that.

[Ash held his newly acquired ‘upgraded’ Pokédex in his hands almost reverently. The Pokédex was a very big part of a Trainer’s life. It recorded the whole journey that the Trainer had travelled, not in video or pictures, but it recorded every Pokémon that the Trainer had seen. ]

You keep stopping the story to introduce and explain things everyone knows, and it’s incredibly annoying.

[Ash had become quite desensitized to Gary’s taunting, and it made him feel good to play the better man. ]

Does your character have any interesting traits, or is he just being-right guy 24/7?

[ It wasn’t pointless babbling either, before he could begin working with him, properly; he needed to know that Pikachu would follow him willingly. ]

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

And now it’s redoing the anime’s plot of Team Rocket attacking the pokecenter, only this time Ash your boring perfect sue.

[ It was a system developed by the World Pokémon League (WPL) to encourage Battling among Trainers. Every 24 hours after the Pokédex is first activated, 100 credit points is assigned to that Pokédex. The number increased by 50 for every Gym Badge that you have collected. ]

That’s an interesting idea, though.

And then he sees Ho-oh and then a shiny nidoran appears and it’s back to the sue train.

…and now you’re timeskipping but instead of just continuing there’s paragraph upon paragraph recounting the events of the anime, even though most of it’s identical and doesn’t matter right now anyway.

And now it’s a standard battle, complete with paragraphs of people just talking about how great Ash is and only cursory description of the fight itself that’s mostly focused on the moves.

…and now you’re listing every pokemon he has.

Look, when you’re writing a story, you really need to figure out what the story’s about. So far, this is just some weird hodgepodge of the anime and your own character who’s a really boring sue. There’s no sense this is going anywhere, it seems to just be you saying your character would’ve been better, over and over and over and over again.

Twenty-four reviews, probably because it’s a harem fic. I hate everyone.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8904501/1/Pokemon-Alone

Your formatting renders this unreadable.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8904880/1/Follow-My-Heart

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Your story starts in first person and then switches to third. Don’t do that.

Don’t start your story with your character waking up. It was boring the first time and it’s now been done thousands of times. Start the story when something that isn’t exactly like every other fanfic happens.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

[ there Pokemon licenses month ]

Their.

[ they’re own ]

Their.

Also, I don’t see how the new system fixes the problem of there being a lot of trainers. How is handing someone a pokeball with a pokemon in it less trouble than maintaining an area for the pokemon to live and sending the kids in to catch a pokemon themselves? If you just want to do it that way, fine, but your explanation is nonsense.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8904946/1/Won-t-Quit-Until-I-m-Number-1

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ It was deserving; as their years of travelling together had come to an end. ]

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

I really don’t see what the point of all this setup is. If you want him to fight in the Indigo League, just say he’s back in time to do that. There’s no point in saying that the stadium’s been rebuilt in Pallet and also apparently Pallet was personally taxed to death to pay for it so there’s no money for Ash to travel to the new region.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8905220/1/Deadly-Potential

[ it’s yellow pouches ]

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.

Hm. This is an interesting idea – overage trainers are everywhere, but underaged ones is new. This chapter feels rather fillery, though – you get across that she’s a good trainer and that her family’s full of assholes right from the start, so the whole raichu business doesn’t really add anything. If it’s just to show she can win the battle, that could’ve been done more easily by just having her get angry when her brother calls her pokemon weak. And handing her another powerful pokemon seems pointless when she’s obviously a good trainer and could raise one up herself.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8905283/1/A-merman-s-precious-gift

Capitalize your title properly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

[He also had another scar that no-one but a few knew about, upon the back of his neck. A scar that bares a great striking resemblance to a merman with hair like Satoshi’s sitting on a rock. It was the scar of his fate. ]

Finely detailed scars are pretty ridiculous.

And now it turns out they turn into merpeople when they go in water. That’s random.

[That one scientist, Dr. Hiruko, had studied the Celestial Water moon for years and had finally figured out the secret of the moon and the mysterious planet that triggers the effect. The rumour that the moon would turn people in merpeople was correct, Hiruko himself discovered this when he was 17 and he went late night swimming in the Lake of Rage in Johto. He was turned into a merman and since then, was hell-bent on finding out why he’d been turned into one. Over the years, he figured out why the Celestial Water Moon occurred, it had been waiting for one special child to be born, Satoshi.
Apparently, Hiruko had visions where he’d been met by a water goddess from the Celestial Water Moon who told him of a child called Satoshi, the heir to the Water Moon, born with a scar of his future self upon his neck. Hiruko spent 7 years hunting Satoshi down and when he did, he knew what he’d been told to do. Since Satoshi didn’t live near a lake, Hiruko had been given a temporary power that would turn Satoshi into a merman without the need for a lake. The only down side, Hiruko himself would have to offer up his soul to the Goddess. ]

This really doesn’t seem to fit into the pokemon universe in the slightest.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8905469/1/Chains-and-Bonds

[She wore a plain green top and white skirt; this was her usual attire ]

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[the red and white feathered pokemon stated refereeing to the human next to her. ]

Don’t use stated, you mean “referring”, and you don’t need to say referring anyway.

[speak in a confident as he addressed the crowd. ]

Confident what? You really need a beta reader.

[team plasma ]

Is a name and should be capitalized as such.

[“But if that were to happen the soul dew would be powerless and…” Lorenzo started.
Bianca finished for him, “Altomare would be destroyed.”]

Uh…no, I’m pretty sure the soul dew is used to defend the place in the event of a problem, it’s not constantly about to be destroyed. The fact something’s draining it is more the thing to worry about.

At least this one has a plot, though.