Some long ones today. 

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7739127/1/Land_Skye_Living_a_Legend

[Kendel was 15, almost 16-years old ]

Write out numbers with letters. And you don’t need that dash there.

[“Change of scenery… yeah… like the scenery back at Eterna was dull… why’d they have to drag me down here? Even the square with that statue was more interesting than this place.” Kendel muttered to himself. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Kendel doubted he could get a proper trainer’s license… not with his family’s budget. ]

There’s no canon where pokemon training is itself expensive. You can make a case for the journey being pricey, but not the license.

[No way… Mew? The legend… the pokemon that almost no one sees?
He had heard of Mew, but he hadn’t seen even a picture. He hadn’t known what it looked like… until now]

That’s not really a good explanation, if he knows about Mew why wouldn’t there have been some depiction of what it looked like, especially if it’s come up enough it instantly comes to mind? A better way of doing it would just to be that Mew doesn’t look all that much like the drawings and carvings of it, which is already somewhat true in canon, so until it says its name he doesn’t draw the connection. A flat, crude, uncolored carving isn’t going to resemble the real thing much, and artist representations would probably vary a lot.

I like the whole bit where he’s just watching it, it feels a lot more realistic than the usual monofocus on capture and you get across that he really does just like pokemon.

[“I really wish I could be like you. Just free… no worries… you’ve got it so much more than I do.” he murmured, a faint, amazed, and somewhat jealous smile on his face. ]

Oh, that’s going to backfire, won’t it?

I think you could have done with the extensive Mew dialogue. It’s a lot less mysterious when it’s talking exactly like a person, and it explained a lot more than it needed to as well. All you really needed was it saying something about playing tag and disappearing, he could work out the rest on his own. Stuff like [“Oh yeah! I’ll be sure to stay in Sinnoh by the way] shouldn’t be explained, even if it’s a good idea to have it be true for your story, because you don’t need to lay everything out to your character or even your readers.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7739194/1/Fatty_Berlitz#

[The characters are hugely OOC but I needed them to be like that to get the story to work. ]

Then you’re writing original fiction. That’s fine, just don’t insist on shoehorning it into the pokemon universe.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“Yo, Paul!” Gary’s voice yelled. Paul turned round and almost laughed at the sight. Gary’s messy hair was all greasy and his once perfect smile was now more yellow than white. He had a massive beer belly protruding over his trousers. Next to him was Drew, also more chubby than slim, wearing the latest style of clothes as usual. Then there was Misty, fat and tired looking with bags under her eyes. May was on her right, pretty much looking exactly as Misty did but as a brunette. Then was a very bold Ash wearing a suit. ]

[As if on cue his wife walked into the gym. She looked round, spotting Paul instantly. She wore her midnight blue hair in loose curls with a fancy looking pink dress framing her petite body perfectly as she strode over to join her husband, her high heels not even causing a wobble. ]

Wow, way to completely fuck up an aesop. “It’s wrong to judge people based on who’s pretty in high school, because what really matters is judging them based on who’s pretty after high school!” Next, you should write a story about how it’s wrong to judge people just on the color of their skin when you could be hating based on their ethnicity!

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7739202/1/The_Hunter_And_the_Legend_2_Shadows_of_Doom

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

Spellcheck.

Your character is a sue. People punching out legendaries generally are.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7739293/1/To_Me_To_You_and_Back_Again

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Use spellcheck.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7739509/1/Legendary_PKMN_Arc_One_Legend

Nonstory chapters are banned.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7739509/2/Legendary_PKMN_Arc_One_

[legendary Pokemon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Don’t finish that sentence, little brother.” A new voice said. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[erven ]

Spellcheck.

This is terrible and OOC.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7739588/1/The_Trainer_Named_Silver

[I wake to the beaming warmth of the sun on my face.]

Starting a story with your character waking up is terribly overdone and was boring the first time.

[a brand new Marill alarm clock ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[My 16th birthday. ]

Write out numbers with letters.

[It wasn’t JUST my birthday, though. It was the day I-and Gold-finally begin our journey around the Johto region. ]

Trainers start at ten.

[“Okay mom. I got it.” I say ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Otherwise, it’s written “mom” like any other ordinary word.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Our eyes immediately locked upon contact, and I felt my entire face turn red scarlet hue. ]

You’ve dropped into past tense. Watch out for that. Y you need an “a” before “red scarlet hue”, and really, you’re better off just saying red or scarlet, instead of spending three words for the same concept.

[The red head boy just ignores me and kept concentrating on whatever had caught his attention in the lab.]

Seriously. Proofreading is important.

You’re really overusing dialogue to move your story along. A lot of it isn’t necessary, and you need more narration.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7739698/1/Touch

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7739718/1/The_One_of_Many

[the crowd rawred ]

Spellcheck.

[Landing on him with a nice Thwack ]

Thwack shouldn’t be capitalized.

[all the way to 3. ]

Write out numbers with letters.

This seems like original fiction.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7739818/1/So_Long_Sentiment

[The sun was setting and most kids her age were tucked in for bed ]

Most fourteen year olds aren’t sent to bed before the sun’s begun to set.

[their Pokemon]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[She didn’t actually have relation or anyone to take care of her. She had been dumped in this town from the Hoenn region about five years ago. Professor Juniper had been kind enough to let her stay with her and teach her the sciences about Pokemon. ]

That’s really not how things work. Also, you mean “relations” or more likely, “relatives”.

[around 4 years ago. ]

Write out numbers with letters.

[She sighed. Most kids had long started their adventure when they were her age. She on the other hand, told Juniper she was perfectly ok with helping her around the lab. ]

Why? If she wanted to, it’s not like it’d be hard to do. And there’s no reason she couldn’t have a pokemon but also stay to help at the lab.

Also, it’s okay, four letters.

[Suddenly the little girl spoke up. “Are you a Pokemon trainer, miss? Where are your Pokemon?”
Taylor paled. “I..um…their at the Pokemon Center….healing….we had a tough battle..so…..”]

Why lie? Not everyone’s a trainer.

[When she was done she decided to take a walk and perhaps get up close to the friendly Pokemon living in the forest.
She knew it probably wasn’t the best idea to walk in the woods with no Pokemon for defense, but she did anyway.]

So, plot fiat says she grabs an idiot ball.

Honestly, this would work better if you just said it was a perfectly fine idea because she was trained to avoid antagonizing wild pokemon or something else that made her think she could avoid getting jumped by them. Instead you’re pretty much hanging a lampshade on the fact that this shouldn’t work.

[She took a closer look and realized it was a small Oshawott.]

Oshawott aren’t found by running around forests. If you want her to make friends with an injured wild pokemon, at least make it a pokemon you can actually find in the wild. Especially when your OC should know this – if she sees an injured not-found-in-the-wild starter, she should assume it was separated from its trainer and/or something bad happened to its trainer.

I suppose you could have it be that this is an abandoned pokemon, but then you really should give some sign of why it was abandoned and probably it’d have some trust issues with anyone new. Journeying with a pokemon someone else found troublesome enough to abandon isn’t going to be easy.

Actually, it would be interesting to have someone become a trainer by finding an abandoned pokemon. In Lucki I suggested that human-raised pokemon aren’t going to do well in the wild, and starters in particular are often portrayed as babies. Someone running into one of them would be more like someone finding an abandoned pet.

However, unlike all my cats, pokemon trainers are actually using their pokemon to do something, which means that an abandoned one is likely unsuited in some way. That could be as simple as just being young and needing more training, but anyone who tries to be a trainer with a pokemon someone else abandoned because it couldn’t cut it when they were trying to be a trainer will probably run into problems.

This could even lead to a decent storyline that involves actually showing, for once, how good trainers can bring out a pokemon’s skill through a lot of effort on their part instead of the usual thing where they’re handed a pokemon, win immediately and are told this counts as unlocking a pokemon’s hidden talents.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7739993/1/Master_of_the_North_Wind

[I couldn’t get the villagers to acknowledge me.” Said Naruto ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[you didn’t kill mom on purpose ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Otherwise, it’s written “mom” like any other ordinary word.

…and now Naruto’s getting a suicune for a starter. Seriously?

This also seems massively OOC.

I’m actually really fond of the idea of people ending up with insanely powerful starters, since it’s really an extension of the general concept of kids holding the leash of supernatural monsters. But in practice legendaries show up for namedropping cred, not for plots about what happens when one person possesses a temperamental pocket nuke.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7740033/1/the_way_i_loved_you_oldrivalshipping

Capitalize your title properly.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7740596/1/Pokemon_Burst_Heart

[a Pokemon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[But who says that’s the only form of a Pokemon battle?
Burst Heart. The latest form of Pokemon battles, one that involves the trainer in ways that they never would have been before. Instead of a Pokemon being called out from a Pokeball, as they normally would be, a Pokemon is contained inside a small crystal and connects with their trainer on an almost telepathic level. A trainer knows what their Pokemon is thinking at all times, and vice versa.
These Pokemon are not called out to battle, but they fuse with their trainers to create powerful human-Pokemon hybrids, who are known as Burst trainers.]

But why would anyone invent a second type of pokemon battle using completely different technology that apparently had also had to be invented first before this was possible when they already have a perfectly good established way of having pokemon battles and the technology for it?

[Not just any body can be a Burst trainer. One must possess a deep bond with the Pokemon contained inside the burst crystal, and be able to withstand the pain of the fusing process. Not everyone can, and several people who have forced Pokemon to Burst have felt the consequences of it. ]

Especially when it’s apparently far more complicated, extremely painful and possibly fatal? This is just making a good case for no one but a few nutcases even wanting to do this, and the authorities outlawing it for their own good.

If you want an AU where this is how pokemon battles work, you’re really better off just saying it’s an AU where this is the only form of pokemon battle, instead of trying to graft it into a setting as an alternate to the regular battles.

[its noon ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

Listening to stupid assholes argue about stupid shit is not interesting. I realize the anime may have given you the mistaken impression to the contrary, but remember that when there are long, tedious arguments in the anime, they show the tail end of those arguments so as not to waste the time and patience of their viewers.

[“Because neither of us can fly!”
“You have wings!”
“Fine, let me rephrase that. I can fly, I just don’t want to have to carry you when I do!”]

No. Just edit it. It makes no sense for someone who can fly to shout that neither of them can fly just because it’s the first phrase that came to mind.

[let’s just get to the nearest hotel.” Everett said ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Instead of the fully clothed girls that had been standing there a few seconds ago, there were now two girls in very revealing outfits.
Lauren had traded her t-shirt and jeans for a yellow tube top and shorts that showed off most of her stomach and legs. The top hugged close to her chest very well, two black lines and a lightning bolt printed onto it. She wore yellow gloves with tiny spikes on the knuckles, along with yellow boots that stretched up to her knees. On her head was a small headband with two yellow prongs sticking out from the top, short lightning blots flashing between them. On her cheek were two black lines that didn’t even look painted, they just looked like they belonged there. The Pokemon inside her Burst Heart must have been an Elekid.
Naomi, instead of wearing her hoodie and khakis, was wearing a similar outfit to Lauren. She too was wearing a tube top and shorts that showed off most of her tan skin, except for some very noticeable differences. For a start, her top was brown instead of yellow, a white half moon printed in the center. Her shorts had a small brown bulb on the back of it, obviously meant to be a tail. She was wearing brown gloves that reached her elbow, claw like covers stretched over her fingers. Her boots were brown and she wore two circular ears on the top of her head. She must have bonded with a Teddiursa.]

This is not a magical girl anime. Transforming costumes work there because it’s a visual medium. This is just a long list of absurdity.

Also, you claimed burst transformations are extremely painful.

[It was obvious what Pokemon he was. He was one of the fastest Pokemon alive. He was a Scizor. ]

Actually, scyther’s evolution into scizor kills its speed stat.

There’s still nothing showing what transformations add that just using pokemon in the standard way doesn’t. Like I said, if this is what you want to focus on you’re better off just making it the only option, instead of inviting questions about what the difference is between transforming into a scizor to case people and releasing your scizor to chase people. It’s not even internally consistent – if doing this requires a close bond with a pokemon, how could anyone willing to lock their pokemon away in a crystal and steal its power instead of letting it out pass?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7740697/1/Dawn_of_A_Unova

[where Pokémon and humans ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“How could you throw out my skirt!” The girl, Dawn, screamed out.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“Thanks, mom.”]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Otherwise, it’s written “mom” like any other ordinary word.

[“No need to worry!” dawn winked as she winked ]

PROOFREAD.

[I guess your right ]

Your” is possessive, as in, your story, “you’re” means “you are”.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7740710/1/The_Heroes

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This is decent and you do a good job of making the different characters distinct while still keeping their stories and experiences all on the same theme. I feel like you’re trying a bit too hard at making everything sound deep and traumatic, though – adding in that it’s Green’s responsibility to collect the many corpses of dead young trainers seemed especially unnecessary.

And while you ask a good question about kids saving the world…you also don’t have anything in the story that really explains how it makes sense, either. I don’t think it’s an impossible thing but it’s not set up that well here when you’re specifically asking why no one ever shows up to help. The kids being the only ones there at the right place in the right time is a good question, but this is more as if other people know and just don’t bother.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7740745/1/Celestial_Exploration

[a Tyrogue ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[thought you were gonna get here on time.” Antoine, the Sneasel, barks.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

If your pokemon characters are completely indistinguishable from human ones, it sort of defeats the point.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7740842/1/The_Semantics_of_Romanticism

[“Well,” she placed her hands on her hips, “that was when we were children. I haven’t seen you in years. Besides, didn’t you always say the roses were for my Pokémon?” ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7740904/1/Journey_of_the_Heart

[” ” – Human speech
” – Human thought]

Do you see how similar those two marks look? That’s why it’s a bad idea. Just stick a “he thought” after a thought and it’s clear without making it sound like whoever it is happens to be talking aloud.

[13 years old ]

Write out numbers with letters.

[a great Pokémon trainer ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[I had recently left my home of New Bark town about 3 months ago to begin my journey after I received my Trainer License. ]

Trainers start at ten.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

[As you can obvious tell, Clara had feelings for her trainer and lifetime friend for a couple of months now since she had begun to have strange sensations come around when he was near. She continued to stare at him for a few more minutes before switching to look at the lake. ‘He raised me from an egg and trained me to be a strong fighter and an able companion. He’s never hurt me intentionally and he’s shown me affection that I craved,’ She though as a blush started to creep upon her face. ]

Well that’s horrendously depressing. You’re setting up a relationship between a one year old pokemon who’s been raised from birth to serve her parent-figure owner. She considers the fact the only times he’s hurt her it was unintended to be a sign he’s wonderful, along with the fact he’s the only one she gets any affection from. So that’s a lovely mix of Stockholm incest right there.

[Lets go ]

Let’s. It’s short for “let us”.

[It was a Nidoqueen trapped within an electrified net being constantly shocked by her captors. They were multiple burns on her body from being in contact with the net. ]

Nidoqueen are ground type, they’re immune to electricity.

[Were busy ]

We’re.

[“Who are you? And why are you hurting that Pokémon?” I yelled out.
“What’s it matter to you? Pokémon are just tools to be used, and to take whenever one pleases,” the red head replied smugly ]

Mustache twirling villains repeating the same stock line that’s been in fandom use for a decade are boring.

[iniative ]

Spellcheck.

Is raising your own pet fucktoy going to be this year’s theme? Sometimes society knows what it’s talking about when it condemns your relationship!

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7740938/1/LEAF_GREEN_Ellies_Adventur

[Now tell me. Are you a boy? Or are you a girl?’ Did he seriously ask me that question? I click this button right? CLICK Girl ‘Let’s begin with your name. What is it?’ Again with the stupid questions? Guess I just have to type it out. E-L-L-I-E ‘Ellie’ ]

You/your character is coming off as a psychotic idiot if she’s enraged by the fact the game isn’t reading her mind and already knowing what answers she wants.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7741057/1/Richter_than_Pearls

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7741120/1/Pokemon_Kyanite_Version

[The most important note you will read for this story: Please, I cannot stress enough, PLEASE respect the fact that I have spent an entire year working on this story. There are blood, sweat, and tears in the characters and their development along with the plotline.
PLEASE THINK BEFORE YOU REVIEW.]

The paragraph directly above this has a basic grammar error. Debatably more damning, the rest of the author’s note is just about a bunch of utterly standard stuff – this is an OC story, Nintendo owns Pokemon – yet the author claims it’s vitally important people read. This is a red flag for someone who doesn’t read anything else and just writes, which tends to lead to the story having major plotting or structural issues.

[I’m the Pokémon Professor ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[…What’s that? You don’t know what a Pokémon is?]

Yes, we do. All of us. You don’t need the filler paragraph on what pokemon are for anyone reading pokemon fanfic, and even if it was ever necessary, hundreds of other people have already wasted their readers’ time on it.

[the raven haired Senior ]

Again. If it’s not a proper noun, you don’t capitalize it. Also, don’t abuse epithets. The fact he’s raven haired is completely irrelevant here.

[especially since you’re in your last year and all,” She began softly, ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[the Ushiwaka smiled ]

Also no. This doesn’t even make grammatical sense. Do not attempt to mutate his name into an epithet. Use his name, a pronoun, or a description relevant to whatever’s going on.

[Blue eyes looked away from his mother ]

And again, no. HIS blue eyes did that. You need a beta reader, this is not good writing.

[Nii-san ]

Don’t stick gratuitous Japanese into your story.

[the raven ]

He’s not a raven. I’m going to just stop pointing this stuff out because it’d take forever. Again, get a beta reader.

[Colby figured Fayal had no idea what Zero really was. “He’s a Pokémon, man. Relax.”
A…Pokémon.
Fayal’s steps slowed to a stop, his eyes lowering to the ground in thought. A Pokémon. That thing was a Pokémon. It had to have been.
Okay sure, he’d never actually seen one himself…]

This makes no sense. Aside from the fact pokemon live all over the place so they’d be seen flying around by now, even if they didn’t there’s no reason for anyone in a modern society to somehow avoid ever seeing pictures or seeing videos of them in their entire life.

And now meaningless blather because kids at school talk about stupid things. The fact people in real life often hold conversations that are boring and irrelevant to any larger point doesn’t mean those conversations belong in a story.

The battle section is tighter, but honestly, that’s where putting extra detail would have made sense. You don’t need him to do anything but tell us about how her battles go, but since he has no experience with this sort of thing he’s in an ideal position to describe them.

[and for me to go help dad, I need a Pokémon ]

Dad should be capitalized there, and also this doesn’t follow at all. If he’s never seen pokemon, then whatever’s going on in his home region isn’t pokemon related and isn’t being handled by trainers, so it’s not like people have to have pokemon for it. If the idea is that getting pokemon involved would fix things, then it ends up begging the question of why no one else, like his dad, has tried to get pokemon, or tried to recruit trainers to help them. (And if they are, one more newbie trainer won’t be adding anything much more than one more newbie kid.)

[The questions were simple. Really, really simple. Sure, they were short answer, meaning he actually had to think up an answer instead of filling in a little bubble, but still!
And none of them pertained to Pokémon. None. Not one whatsoever had the word “Pokémon” in it. Fayal knew there had to be some underlying reason, some way that she read through and understood the meaning behind the answer given.]

That’s fine, but you shouldn’t be avoiding saying what any of the questions are. This is getting into show don’t tell territory, you’re explaining the questions are easy yet relevant, so you might as well just write an easy yet relevant sample question instead of relying on saying that.

[“This is “The Book”. It has the information for every Pokémon available to starting trainers like yourself. Take it home with you and look it over carefully. Pick just one, because I don’t think you can handle more than that.” ]

That’s a good idea. It bypasses the usual starter issues quite neatly.

This is a more original opening than the usual OT fic, and I like that you’re treating pokemon ownership as commonplace as well as avoiding just getting a pokemon from the local professor, as well as generally giving the sense your story is taking place in a larger world. And the main character being a refugee from another region and wanting to go back to help is an interesting hook.

But you have got to fix up your writing. The epithet abuse and throwing “blue eyes” around like they’re a stand-alone character is a major style problem, and your “the Name” stuff is flat-out wrong. You also could stand to tighten up your plotline – your main character’s friends seem only there to give a few bits of exposition, but they take up the lion’s share of your story right now. If they are supposed to matter, you should be spending their screentime showing that, if they’re not you shouldn’t be spending so much time with them, and either way you should cut the wandering conversations. This is a first chapter and a long one, yet practically nothing happens in it.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7741205/1/I_am_Trainer

[a family of Pokémon Trainers ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[There are currently only four Generations, this one being Generation IV. The Generations are marked with Roman numerals to signify the crime organizations and their legacy. Generations change numerals once another crime organization stirs up, thus bringing an end to the Generation defined by its previous organization. ]

Don’t. Yes, each pokemon generation also has a different team plot. But it makes no sense to think Team Rocket was the first organization of their type, and it makes even less sense that criminal organizations in separate isolated regions would only appear sequentially. Furthermore, the second gen games didn’t have their own team, they were just the remnants of Team Rocket, so people wouldn’t have classed it as a new crime organization.

You are poking holes in your story’s world and creating something that makes no sense just for the sake of a reference to the games.

[After Generations I and II, the age limit at which a child can become a Trainer went from ten years old to eleven years old. ]

It did not. The age limit is an anime thing, the age limit did not change, and a one year difference is all but meaningless.

[another group of Trainers brought an end to Team Magma and Team Aqua. Everything was peaceful for a while after that and the age limit was bumped up to twelve years old. ]

Why would the fact children kept kicking ass and taking names mean people kept upping the age limit? If anything, they should be making an age cap, clearly once you hit adulthood you shouldn’t be allowed near ten year olds because you’re at risk of losing pathetically.

There’s not even any point in this fic because your character is someone who voluntarily decided not to be a trainer and is going to end up forced into it at a later age.

[“What am I going to do about my medicine?” that was probably one of the reasons I gave up on going on a Pokémon journey. As a kid with ADHD, I have medication to take so it doesn’t get the better of me. ]

Why, the same thing everyone else does! Take your meds with you. A pokemon journey is not trekking away into the arctic for a five year trip. It’s walking between towns. Walking between towns with a cell phone, no less. Even if something goes incredibly wrong, this isn’t like, say, asthma where running out can mean sudden death. It’s also a medication that can be stopped and started or halved with quick effects, so someone worrying about running out entirely can ration it to still be mostly functional. An ADHD trainer without meds will likely do a bad job of being a trainer, but probably not so bad they can’t keep walking until they end up back in town and can refill their prescription.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[and hopefully, you’ll lose some weight… You’re not fat, but you worry me. ]

…a common side affect of some ADHD medications is weight loss, and doctors generally chose those drugs over others for a kid who also has a real weight problem. This usually won’t turn them into a fashionable twig, but it’s a point against someone being overweight enough they’re getting told they’re so fat it’s worrying to their sibling – at most they could have been put on that type and it didn’t work, but in that case I’d expect that to come up in response to the idea of something else working. So this, in turn, ends up seeming less like the character is actually overweight and their sister has a point, and more like the sort of unreasonable standards that breed eating disorders.

…and now squeeing about getting to be a trainer, despite needing to be kicked out of the house before going? And the obligatory filler chatter that’s completely irrelevant to the larger story, full of stating the obvious or saying things that would have come up naturally on their own. You don’t need to spend pages discussing pokemon and nicknaming them.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7741325/1/Brendans_Gallery

Songfic is banned.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7741481/1/Luck

Don’t use quotation marks for thoughts. It makes it read like it’s being spoken aloud.

[I must ask you,” his face became, if possible, even more serious. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[a Bidoof. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.