Actually relatively decent writing today! It’s probably to lure me in.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8905544/1/Pokemon-Rewrite-Indigo-League

[However there will be additions; new rivals, new captures, new evolutions, new friends and new adventures. ]

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[ the two battling Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[In response Gengar, a dark purple ghost type raised his hands up ]

When you’re doing the Name, description of Name thing, you need another comma before getting into the rest of the sentence. So [In response Gengar, a dark purple ghost type, raised his hands up ]. Also, the description should be tied to what’s going on – ghost type, yes, color, not so much.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[I guess that leaved ]

Leaves.

[thanks mom. ]

If it’s being used as a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[“Yes!” Ash cheered, only for the Pokémon to turn around and face him, a dangerous glint in its eye.
“That’s not Pidgey…” Ash muttered.
He was right; although a bird Pokémon as well, this one clearly was not a Pidgey.]

You really need more description. I don’t mean you should do that infuritating thing where there’s a paragraph explaining exactly what each pokemon looks like, but something about why this pokemon is different than the pidgey. When it shows up in the anime, you can see that it looks scarier and has a big, dangerous looking beak, so it’s immediately clear why it’s a bad thing. You’re doing a pretty good job novelizing the episode, but it’s low on images.

Funny, I just got done complaining about people not knowing the first episode…

And ten reviews? Weird.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8905589/1/Wish-Upon-a-Vaporeon

[Unbeknownst to the pokémon, the farmer that usually cared for them had slipped and fell six days ago, and had not been able to get to his feet. ]

Well, that’s all pretty disturbing.

[Almost eighty years had passed after Team Rocket saw its first major mutiny in its members during the creation of Team Stars when Leonard Ryan Harper was born in Laazin’s most populated area ]

Okay, that’s a mess.

I think you’re saying here that the creation of Team Stars was Team Rocket’s first major mutiny, and eighty years afterward the kid was born. But the way you’re saying it makes it sound like it’s the first mutiny that happened while Team Stars was made, and also Leonard was born during its creation. What’s wrong with just “Almost eighty years after the creation of Team Stars, Leonard Ryan Harper…”? You already explained Team Stars’ origin.

[with great pools of gay for the irises, ]

I think you mean gray and it’s a generally awkward description. “great gray irises” would do fine.

[Leonard slipped off the shirt he was wearing for a white t-shirt with the logo of a popular band called The Diamond Settlers before he turned to give his grandfather a hug. ]

Why did he want to change shirts so badly?

And hm. I like the more naturalistic bent of this, and the setting of a crumbling region is an interesting one. And I really want to see what happens to the miltank.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8905854/1/Through-our-eyes

Capitalize your title properly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Well I was hoping to find a Rattata or a Bellsprout, but I was only able to find Aaron.” Lyra tapped her fingers on one of the four pokeballs that rested on the belt on her hips. “I needed a good grass type…” ]

That’s really not useful dialogue, since I have no idea what pokemon that might be. It’s fine for her to talk like that, but you could have easily clarified in the narration with “on the (whatever it is)’s pokeball” or something.

And my, that was short. At least make your chapters fill the screen.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8905854/2/Through-our-eyes

I’m really not seeing what it adds to say that the croconaw has human hair.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“Try out your new move! Ice Fang!” The trainer happily yelled.
James smirked. A shiver went down my spine. This pokemon was going to kill me.]

Why would hearing the water type is going to instead use a move he’s resistant to be so upsetting? And why is James smug instead of annoyed he’s using a stupid move that won’t work right?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8905854/3/Through-our-eyes

[Lets see the team so far!” ]

Let’s. Short for “let us”.

[out side. ]

One word. Proofread.

And still really not seeing the point of them looking half human. It just doesn’t seem to matter.

At this point I’m assuming it’s to make picturing the two male pokemon fucking more palatable. God knows it doesn’t seem to be intended to have any particular point in story terms.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8906040/1/Damaged

Oh hey, this fic.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Her face bit the asphalt ]

Hit, pretty sure.

[to cease all running ]

This just reads weirdly to me. Maybe it’s the “all” throwing it off. Seems like “cease struggling” would fit better in general.

[Close the gates now Joy! Sabrina’s voice seemed to come from all corners of the room. Joy paused and looked around. No, the Gym Leader was still passed out on the floor.]

You have Sabrina come in barely able to tell anything and then faint…then roll it back and suddenly she’s far more coherent and able to give plenty of information, because using her psychic powers after she faints is less effort? It’s rather anticlimatic. It seems like in that case she could have collapsed in an alley a while back and just asked for someone to send an ambulance. If you want to show off that she’s got powers, having her contact Nurse Joy in advance to get her down there and ready for when she runs in would work more smoothly. And having Nurse Joy do some things on her own without Sabrina giving all the directions would be more suspenseful than having a character know exactly what’s necessary.

[“I just wanted a friendly battle. It has been a while since I’ve had the chance to put my skills to the test. Worthy Pokemon Trainers seem to be a vanishing breed lately.” Sabrina rested three Pokeballs on the table between them. “Me and you.” She blinked her big purple eyes. “Come on Giovanni, you know you want to.” ]

Why was she wearing such bad shoes if she planned so much in advance? I mean, I get that she wasn’t planning specifically on losing and having to run away, but still, being able to walk easily seems like a good idea if you’re going into a dangerous situation.

Okay, so…the plan is to lose and then send out Mewtwo? I don’t see how purposefully losing the first two fights in particular gets him to send out his rare pokemon.

[“You know Sabrina,” Giovanni called out. “There’s one thing I’ve learned that Pokemon aren’t immune to.” He pulled something from his coat. “That, my little psychic powerhouse, would be a bullet.” ]

It’s good to finally see people realizing this.

It’s not really clear why she can’t use Kadabra to just teleport away. If her pokemon were actually disabled by the battle it’d be one thing, but they seem in decent enough condition when it comes to fending off her pursuers.

Aside from that, I like the fight and escape, and Mewtwo freezing up without his powers really makes sense.

The profile says “Reposting/rebooting my fics. Took the time out to work out (hopefully) all of the grammatical and layout kinks.  ” and it’s pretty much just like I remember, so fixing up plot issues is probably not on the table. That’s a shame, because I remember it ends up getting pretty silly with Mewtwo blowing his brain up repeatedly and it’d be nice for that to be improved. Still, it’s a good fic.

Three.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8906115/1/Copper-the-Master

Two short paragraphs is not long enough for a chapter.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8906115/2/Copper-the-Master

Which means one line definitely isn’t a chapter.

Two.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8906446/1/Raised-to-Win

[Altaris the quaint island chain with two major islands and several smaller islands surrounding.  ]

Is a sentence fragment.

[ Towns are nestled here in there; from the mountains to the forests to the hills. ]

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[This is the dark twist forever leaving Altaris separate from the other regions, in something known as a Pokémon Deathmatch ]

Your sentence structure is a mess. Get a beta reader.

[ Even the Pokémon that are spared being killed in the match are left abandoned by trainers ]

So what on earth is the point? In short order the trainers who think this is a good idea should be hopelessly outclassed by trainers who don’t and still have a living team as a result.

[which leads to the wild Pokémon discovering them and attempting their own alerts to the authorities ]

If wild pokemon are uniformly against the idea as well, why do pokemon even do it? How are trainers able to get their pokemon to obey?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8906510/1/The-Adventure-Saga-The-Beginning-with-Leaf-Green

[ her fourteen-year-old daughter ]

Trainers start at ten.

[He was an elderly man, wearing brown khakis, a red polo shirt, tucked in, might I add, and brown loafers. But what really set him apart was the white lab coat he wore over his professional attire. ]

…isn’t the lab coat the professional attire? The rest doesn’t sound particular so.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[ the world renown professor ]

Renowned. Also, it’s not really relevant to what’s going on, so why bring it up?

[a girls voice ]

Girl’s. Apostrophe for possession.

[She emerged into the dining room, wearing a red skirt, a turquoise tank top over a black camisole top, turquoise leg warmers that were baggy around her ankles, and black socks on her feet. ]

You really don’t need to list every bit of her outfit.

[strait ]

You mean straight. Strait has to do with geography.

[The old man sat dumbfounded as he stared at the teenager. Never had he met a girl so polite!]

She’s not actually doing anything exceptional.

And for some reason Gary doesn’t have a pokemon either? And he’s another whole year older than she is.

[ The Squirtle  ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Hm. Slightly different having the rival pick first and her picking the weaker pokemon anyway.

[it’s head  ]

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.

[ Garys’ ]

Proofread better and get a beta reader.

Well, that was a pretty standard chapter. I hope you have more than just her walking around as a trainer for a plot.

Five.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8906596/1/Freak-with-a-Tail

Spellcheck

[I know what your thinking..”What is this fucker talking about? A Human thats also a Pokemon? Bitch Please!”]

Christ this is awful. Get a beta reader and pay more attention next time.

Two? Why.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8906604/1/The-Final-Kingdom

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[We Pokemon have become so advanced that a few of us have banded together, built our cities, then surrounded them with walls. Not everything was perfect, however, as many kingdoms fell into anarchy. Ours was the only one left that was still standing. ]

Okay, but how did this happen? Every place but one falling is kind of a big deal.

[Poochyena’s ]

Never use an apostrophe for a plural.

Well, this could be interesting, but if you’re using an unusual setting, you really need to build it up more. Right now there’s no sense of history or why anything’s happening. You can put your main character in danger, but there’s no broader stakes.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8906718/1/Forina

Write out numbers with letters.

I know it’s the standard thing to have pokemon split up based on type and fight, but it really doesn’t make much sense. So many pokemon have two types, and some even change type based on evolution. If they’re going to all be splitting up it’d have to be by species. If it were just a couple types forming factions it’d make a lot more sense.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8906718/2/Forina

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[But Pan knows ]

You jumped into present tense.

[but the only shine-colored child of the king and queen ]

Considering how insanely rare shinies are, it’s weird to see it brought up as if it’s as casual as, say, “the only male heir” or something.

Well, you describe the cold and misery well, and it’s interesting to see a whiny royal kid without the main character hating them. I’m curious why some grass pokemon is the companion to an ice type and traveling around here in the first place.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8907126/1/I-am-no-longer

Capitalize your title properly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

And eh, this seems kind of confused about what it’s trying to be. It’s yet another story that’s one very long creation myth, heavy on names and low on the big events that make myths interesting. That part doesn’t connect up with the frame of Arceus’ capture well at all – what does it even mean that it’s captured when it’s powerful enough to make reality? Why can’t it just free itself? It would seem that Arceus is a lot weaker than it was originally, but you don’t actually say this, you just list Arceus’ accomplishments then say it’s captured so it can’t do anything now.

Why are renditions of the Arceus myth always so awful?

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8907347/1/Forever

[-Flashback-]

Don’t do this. It should be clear from context.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[ She chimed. ]

That’s not a synonym for said.

[She went to the kitchen and looked at the knives. It was a plausible thought, but she completely went against self-harm. ]

Thank god for small blessings. It’s ridiculous to have her going to look at them if she has no interest in the idea, though.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

And yeah, so this is just the standard OOC slasher stuff that could be any characters in any fandom.

A drabble is the term for a writing exercise where you tell a story in exactly a hundred words.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8907771/1/To-Know-The-UnKnown

Why is your title written like that? Don’t stick a capital letter in the middle of a word.

Write out numbers with letters.

[“Toukou! open up ]

Always capitalize the start of sentences.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

[a Snivvy ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Its Toukou’s  ]

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.

This just seems like the opening of the game. It’s not saying anything new. If you have a plot, skip to that.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8907771/2/To-Know-The-UnKnown

Spellcheck.

[{He helped me up and we continued into the lab looking at the proffesor and her assistants, she pointed to me and I jumped}]

What is this even.

Still appears to be the standard game opening with no plot in sight.

None.