And now I’m fifty behind again.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7741490/1/Life_Goes_On
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I’ll be letting you get back to your work.” the female Champion replied ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7741546/1/Pokemon_R_Evolution
The formatting of this is terrible and you have numerous errors. Proofread.
[I believe it may have been a Houndoom mixed with some sort of fire type. ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Also, houndoom are already fire types. You need to say “some other fire type”.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7741546/2/Pokemon_R_Evolution
[its quite a brief note. ]
“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.
[“Great” I mumble, ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7741733/1/Please_let_me_in
Capitalize your title properly.
[a young Pokèmon Coordinator ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Her daughter was a beautiful child as many of her neighbors loved to tell me. ]
You’re dropping into first person here.
[With hair of dark blonde, it appeared as though her hair was spun of gold. ]
Dark blonde is brownish. You could just say her hair is the color of spun gold, or say something like “deep blonde” which gets you a bit closer to the idea you mean very yellow, not brown-yellow.
[Yet her eyes, the darkest of blue like her father, when they were alert and aware they were the brightest of jewels. ]
You seem to have lost track of what you’re trying to say in your rush to make your description as flowery as possible.
[“Love, she needs to get out more often. It’s not healthy for a little girl to come straight home and not have any friends.” ]
…her daughter is four years old. In what world do you let a four year old come home on her own in the first place? She’s at the age you arrange playdates for, not expect to wander off on her own.
[Aria would pull her knees up and held them. ]
Hold. Your sentences are really wonky and you should find someone to beta read.
[I told you when you were pregnant, I’m a husband but I don’t know how to be a father.” He was an only child who felt parenthood before living their dreams was something he didn’t want to experience. Yet Karma loved to mess with him. Not only did he become a father earlier than he wanted but his dream of becoming a member of the Elite Four was shattered. ]
If neither of them wanted a kid, neither knew how to take care of a kid, and having a kid would ruin both their dreams, why didn’t she just abort it?
[She made friends like Snorlax loved to sleep. ]
This is a terrible attempt at a metaphor. Aside from it being an active/passive mismatch, making friends is a skill thing and sleeping isn’t.
This is, I guess, a different opening than usual, but it’s not really clear where anything’s going or how much is going to matter. And really, you need a beta reader to clean up your sentences.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7741772/1/Stolen
Reading this is like wading through thick mud. Your sentences are packed with details that don’t seem to amount to any whole or actively contradict each other, making it incredibly hard to follow what’s going on. Events happen more than once while other pieces seem to be missing.
[Eyes wide open, I shifted, ever so slightly, so that I was flat on the ground. Muscles strained as I gently lowered myself to a belly-first lying position. ]
Like this, for example. He lay down, then he lowered himself to lie down.
[Cross-eyed from the close proximity to the ground, I took several breaths and disinterestedly examined the earthy brown of the forest floor. ]
He’s crosseyed because the ground is too close to see, so then he examines the ground. And so on. You desperately need someone to clean this up, it’s actually painful to read.
[“Did you just call me wifey!”
“Uh, yeah?”
“Ash Ketchum, that is not how calm a lady!”
“But you aren’t a lady. You’re a Pokemon.”
“Wha, wha…?”
Carefully I opened my eyes to see her staring at me. “Well, yeah.”
“That actually made… sense. A sensical thing, coming from you.”]
No, it didn’t. “Lady” is no more restricted to humans than “wife”. Less so, even.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“How?” She asked me ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[We had thought about adoption, but some really useless law said that in a human-Pokemon relationship, if the mother was the Pokemon, they were not allowed to adopt. Apparently the child would otherwise have no ‘nurturing care’. Only if we agreed to have the child cared for by a human female would they let us adopt ]
No, that’s dumb. It would only make sense if that law also banned single fathers from caring for kids as well as male gay couples. A law discriminating on human/pokemon relationships and saying they can’t adopt at all would make far more sense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7741793/1/Kanto_League_Championship
[Red!” the announcer could just be heard over the uproars. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Also, that should be “uproar”.
[his Pokemon journey. ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7741970/1/Renewed_Resolve
[“…Sunyshore City.”
The tone and word that escaped the mouth of the young teenager was soft and seemed to be resigned, with bitterness laced deeply within it though could only be spotted if one looked for it.]
This is hideously overwritten and you’re not even using the words properly. It’s better to write naturally and have the result be readable and without major error than it is to try to force things to sound fancy and screw it all up.
[The curiousness of the electrical Pokemon looked up at his trainer, tilting his head while the black orbs blinked with worry and concern watching as Ash continued to stare at the city with a look of defeat and sorrow gleaming within his eyes.]
I mean it. This is horrible, horrible writing. It’s fancy horrible writing, but it’s still horrible.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7742017/1/A_Wine_From_Fire_and_Ice
This really doesn’t make much sense. Fire types are resistant to ice moves, so him desperately trying to keep one warm is weird – it’d make sense for a leafeon or something, or even a jolteon who was having trouble with extended cold, but not so much a flareon. And then he collapses so he turns into a pokemon out of the blue and everything’s fine.
[I took of my jacket, picked it up, and wrapped it in my jacket ]
Also, wouldn’t it make more sense to stuff the flareon under his jacket?
[it’s face ]
“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.
[Soo cold… my bones feel like brittle glass ]
…not really how cold makes you feel. It’s more numb, heavy and clumsy.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7742193/1/Pokemon_Karaoke
[a Growlithe coat ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I’ve been an angel all year… She mused. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7742275/1/Thank_You_Present
[1 month ]
Write out numbers with letters.
[if it rains.” thought Red. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
And don’t use quotation marks for thoughts, it makes it look like it’s being spoken.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7742449/1/After_invasion
Capitalize your title properly.
[‘Silver,’ a smile appeared on his tired face ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[Where’s uncle Red?]
Uncle’s part of the name, so it’s capitalized.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7742451/1/The_Fates
[Its probably the Pokémon world’s largest secret. ]
“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Also, I’m turning 16 tomorrow, so I can go on my Pokémon journey ]
Write out numbers with letters.
Trainers start at ten.
[You see, something I forgot to mention was that my right eye is kinda whacked up; the whites are black and the iris is yellow. The pupil’s nothing but a slit. I dunno why it happened, ]
This is not written well. You’re treating this as a casual just-so-you-know thing, which is not at all what it’d actually be, and then going on to say that not only is there this bizarre thing with no precedent in canon, but also the eye is a super eye that can see everything.
And that doesn’t bode well. I assume there’s going to be some explanation, but there’s more to adding things than just having an explanation at the end. Nothing about this seems to fit the world, and the way you’re talking about it doesn’t make any effort to fix that. It gives the sense you don’t have any regard for basic setting consistency, which is required to write a good story.
[I pulled out my note pad, and flipped over to the list of ruins the world over, and the legendary Pokémon that were somewhere out there. Many of these were already relatively known, but there were quite a few of them that no-one had even heard of. ]
You can’t have a list of pokemon no one’s ever heard of, for hopefully obvious reasons. Ones not well known, sure? Ones completely unknown, not so much.
[“Hello there, big boy” I always called K9 (Arcanine’s nickname) big boy, despite her gender. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[Morning, mom ]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Otherwise, it’s written “mom” like any other ordinary word.
[She had known the day was coming, and she had tried to postpone the inevitable as long as possible, with various moves and such ]
Being a pokemon trainer just means leaving with a pokemon. Moving wouldn’t postpone it – if anything, a move would mark a good point to leave.
[I had dealt with Growlithes all the time. I wanted something different, I guessed. But I wasn’t about to say no ]
Trainers can trade or sell their pokemon or even just box their pokemon, they’re not required to keep their first pokemon on their team forever, so it doesn’t have to be the perfect pokemon.
Sort of fumbling around with why exactly the eye thing looks so bad to me. It’s partly that it smacks of someone’s clever idea for their sue, setting consistency be damned, but the way it’s introduced also is making me think of a particular stu type but I’m not quite sure what it is.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7742451/2/The_Fates
[When I packed my bag, I had hoped on getting a Snivy, or maybe an Oshawott. Something useful, something that could keep me alive.
And I got stuck with a baby Growlithe. I watched it run after a Caterpie (who had recently been introduced in Unova, with disastrous repercussions), yapping at its tail. The small Bug-type Pokémon was running away, terrified of the small little dog Pokémon.]
If it’s strong enough to menace wild pokemon, it’s strong enough to be useful and strong enough to catch you something to replace it with, so stop whining and get on with capturing something you do want.
[I had had some experience with Growlithes (With K9 being one of the most famous breeding Arcanine the world over, for some reason), and I could notice that this Growlithe was much more powerful than most.
More often than not it took a year or so for Growlithes to even be able to sneeze fire. ]
…well, that’s boring and sueish.
Look, pretty much the only appeal of giving someone a baby pokemon as a starter is to see them actually dealing with the fact it’s young and not really suited for fighting. It’s fine to handwave it so they hatch ready to battle, but it isn’t fine to say they can’t battle except the super special one your character has.
[Apart from the fact that she definetly managed to draw my eyes to her, she didn’t seem too bad of a character.]
…so the fact he noticed her makes her bad, but otherwise she’s okay? What?
Also, spellcheck.
[And off she rambled, going on and on about how she had always wanted a Growlithe, cuz they were warm, and cute, and fluffy ]
So offer to trade.
And now she’s talkative, so he hates her but apparently he can’t do anything like just leave because that would prevent him from whining.
This really just seems like the typical boring, self-important asshole character.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7742545/1/The_Returned_legend
Capitalize your title properly.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[“Pika!” It responded ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[From the ball came out a Dragonite, and it was dark green in colour, unlike the normal orange, showing it was a shiny.]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
There’s practically never a reason to give a trainer a shiny beyond sueish overinvolvement.
[The deep voice of Mewtwo chuckled. ]
You really shouldn’t just drop Mewtwo into a story without explanation.
[Flashback ]
Don’t do this. It should be clear from the narration what’s going on.
[a boy aged 12]
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7742550/1/The_Unova_Trainers
[her Eevee, Silver. Silver was a shiny Eevee and mute, so he could not speak. ]
That’s ridiculously sueish.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Hey, Yumi.” Alumina said ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[Lets go ]
Let’s. Short for “let us”.
[“So, what are you going to do?” Al asked Yumi- she never really did get if she wanted to do Musicals or Gyms.
“I want to get all the Gym badges,” Yumi said, excited.]
This conversation should have already happened well before the day they’re getting their pokemon. There’s also no point in even bothering to have a character stating they’re going to do what everyone always assumes trainers do.
This whole chapter, in fact, is filler. You don’t need to show her waking up, we know people wake up. You don’t need to have her saying she’ll try to get gym battles, because it’ll be shown in the story when she starts training or catching pokemon to get ready for gym battles. You don’t need to show her handed a starter, because we already know professors hand people starters. Presumably you have some sort of plot or point to this. Get there instead of wandering around.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7742709/1/A_supernatural_romance
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7742826/1/I_want_to_change_for_you
Capitalize your title properly.
[Emberassed… Afraid to show hisself? … ]
Spellcheck.
And I’m not sure what you’re trying to do by italicizing every other sentence.
[his Pokémon ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[”Don’t try to change yourself. You’re fine as who you are.” He said ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7743346/1/The_Eevee_Crowd
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Hey, gorgeous,” Riley beams, interrupting my thoughts, “Sorry that I’m so late. I got ever so slightly side-tracked.” ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[“This is a litter of Eevee, Cyd.” ]
Eevee are extremely rare and extremely expensive. If you want a pokemon litter for people to abandon, there are by this point dozens upon dozens of more appropriate pokemon. Meowth and growlithe among the first-gen set alone.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7743368/1/In_the_Darkness
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Also, proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7743394/1/Illusion
Songfic is banned.
[Kotone’s Bayleef. ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[someone like you.” He retorts ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7743468/1/One_Step_Two_Steps
[“I’m glad we came out here for a picnic,” Dawn giggled ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
This is really just original fiction. It doesn’t have much to do with the characters or world, it’s just two characters in a relationship, one dies, and the other goes insane in a badly portrayed way that has nothing to do with how insanity really works.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7743705/1/From_the_Island_of_Shadows
[I am now an Umbreon. I am no longer the little black and gray Eevee, that little one that no one expected to ever evolve. Well, I did. ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Also, given eevee evolve by stone or mood, I really don’t see why it’d be unexpected for any one of them to evolve. It’s not like most pokemon where they have to reach a certain level.
The majority of your chapter should not be a long, tedious bio full of irrelevant shit like what brand of headphones they use. You shouldn’t have bios at all – if it matters, it belongs in the story, if it doesn’t it doesn’t belong anywhere.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7743864/1/We_Both_Know
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7743893/1/An_Espeons_story
Capitalize your title properly.
[a Glaceon ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[”You know daughter.” My mother began ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[”Your too weak!’ ]
Your” is possessive, as in, your story, “you’re” means “you are”.
[intrest. ]
SPELLCHECK.
[Next I am supposed to be her daughter according to her! ]
If it isn’t her mother and she doesn’t believe it’s her mother, the narration shouldn’t have referred to her as “my mother”.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7743912/1/The_Rion_Trilogy_Trapped
[So maybe his real question was, what am I doing out here, in this damn heat, instead of at home, in the nice air conditioning? But he had an answer to that question, so instead he asked himself what the hell he was doing here. ]
That’s the same question. Your sentences are repetitive to the point it’s, ironically, hard to follow what you’re actually trying to say thanks to so much of it not actually saying anything.
[his Pokemon ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[‘Maybe I’m actually dead.’ He thought to himself. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
And don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to ” for speech and makes it look like the character’s talking out loud.
[it’s beak ]
I feel like there’s an interesting story buried in here, but god is it buried. Your sentences are a chore to slog through. The bits I can make out are intriguing – the suicide rope, a region without any clear history, the general sense of something wrong – but the writing detracts from it. You need to pare things down to something cleaner.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7744009/1/Thank_you
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7744264/1/Her_Dark_Eyes
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7744468/1/Ignorance_is_Bliss
[Originshipping is something I’ve always felt very strongly for, and even though I don’t actually support homosexuality in real life, I’ve always envisioned this pairing as being a beautiful and healthy relationship. ]
So what you’re saying is that fucking up real people’s lives is great, but you respect the happiness of imaginary people. Why exactly did you feel the burning need to tell me you’re an asshole in your author’s note?