A lot of sues, with more male ones than usual.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8907896/1/Monochromatic-Dreams

Hm. I’m not really sure this was a necessary chapter. You haven’t changed things so much the world is unrecognizable, and it’d be easy to slip in details of the past as you wrote, rather than dumping them all here at once.

If you want to open with a prologue, it’d be much better for it to be an actual prologue, a short story before the main story kicks off. For example, if you want to focus on how they’re rebuilding, a short bit focusing on characters working on the marine tube, and chatting about how things are finally getting better after all those disasters, would work well. You could have one worker grumbling it’ll just get worse to show not everyone’s optimistic. It’s a lot better to show the ordinary people and what they think of things than to say that most people felt X or Y and some felt Z.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8908085/1/Against-The-Tide

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Why aren’t there known constellations? He seems to just be making up his own. Or are there but he’s not aware of them?

And hm. This does look interesting. I like your character’s competence and he seems understatedly nice. Plus snorunt are an unusual main pokemon.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8908139/1/a-new-beginning

Capitalize your title properly.

[Trilogyia, a large region in between kanto, johto and unova. Almost all the pokemon species In the world the world call this place there home; include legandarys… ]

This is a mess. You’re missing capital letters from most of your names, your sentences are choppy, you repeat words, it’s “their” for possessive, I don’t know what gave you the idea you should be using semicolons… Work harder. Proofread, look up rules you’re not sure of, then get a beta reader to help with what you’ve missed.

Three. Dammit, people.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8908210/1/Untamed-4-Caved-In

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Also, your word choice is horrible. Worst is probably using “retract” to mean the exact opposite, but there’s plenty of other errors throughout this. Check if you’re not sure of the meaning.

Porn of all things shouldn’t have childish errors in it.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8908661/1/when-the-sky-grows-dark-the-battles-end

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

This doesn’t seem to really have much of a point to it.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8908820/1/all-good-things-must-end

A nicely dismal story.

I couldn’t help but wonder why he never just contacted her in all that time, though. You could probably explain it as him not wanting to risk puncturing his fantasy, but from what’s here it’s like he just never had the chance, which doesn’t make much sense.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8908820/1/all-good-things-must-end

[sulight ]

Spellcheck.

[“I slept in and today was the day I was supposed to get my pokemon!” I said urgently
“Well, at least grab some toast or something first,” she said with concern. “Honestly, Meg, you’re sixteen years old. You shouldn’t be in such a hurry to grow up.”]

If she wanted to be a trainer so badly, she could have gotten one long before now.

[In actuality, she was not realy my mom. I had been left on her doorstep here in Aspertia City on a rainy night sixteen years ago. No one knew how I came to be here other than that. Sometimes, though, weird stuff seemed to happen to me. It almost felt like I could teleport and move fast at some points, as if I had some sort of strange power inside of me… ]

So she’s a mary sue.

[“Ah, you must be… Megami Crescentia Emmillia Frost?” she asked. ]
[“Eevee…” yawned the creature. ]

A really big sue. Okay then.

Proofread better next time.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8909554/1/It-Started-With-Fire-In-The-Rain

Don’t center all your text, it’s annoying to read.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

This doesn’t quite come together as a story and not just a sequence of events. There’s a bit about how he feels, but it just pops up and disappears again, rather than being a stable character trait. And the rest seems to just be running down some checklist of things you need to happen.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8909801/1/Tenshi-and-Yokai-Cilan-Bio

Nonstory chapters are banned. Also, you should never need to post a character bio – if it matters, it should be in your story already, if it doesn’t, why are you wasting time telling people about it?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8909926/1/Judgement

[Judgement isn’t just Arceus’s signatur move; it’s a sacred power.]

Spellcheck.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8910144/1/My-Journey

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

[ What’ wrong? P****!” ]

If you’re too young to actually write a swear, you’re too young to have characters swearing.

Making a character be an asshole doesn’t mean your main character isn’t also an asshole for deciding to beat them up.

And now a mew has appeared out of nowhere. And your asshole character immediately orders his pokemon to attack and catches it.

[“She asked; What’s the big idea?” Rain translated. I wasn’t sure how to respond to that. “Well,” I said turning to the Mew. “I’m your trainer now, and I’ll help you get stronger.” I told. The Mew let off another rant in her incomprehensible language. I looked to Rain for translation. “She said: I’m nobody’s property dips***.” she said. I looked back at the Mew. “One- I didn’t say you were my property I said I was your trainer. ]

And now he’s demonstrating he’s an enormous asshole. She doesn’t like the idea of being caught, he quibbles that it doesn’t matter he’s treating her as property because he didn’t actually use the word when describing how he’s going to be owning and ordering her about from now on.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[ The Psybeam knocked over the Mightyena in a OTK.  ]

Yeah I think I’ll stop. There’s nothing interesting about your asshole sue.

Two.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8910601/1/Pokemon-the-story-of-the-silent-type

[Raven folded back her deep purple silk colours slowly  ]

I think you mean covers, not colours.

Use said. It generally fits better than whatever alternative you’re trying to shove in its place.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“Why did you choose the runty one?” the Professor asked, “you did have first choice.”
“This Charmander has the strongest will and heart I have ever seen,” Raven replied evenly, holding the Pokémon close.]

Let me guess, that means it’ll become the strongest of the bunch because will and heart overcome such technicalities as reality, rendering this actually a remarkably calculating choice, but of course it just means she’s so much better than those jerks who chose a battler who actually looked like it could survive a blow.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8910601/2/Pokemon-the-story-of-the-silent-type

[“Do you want to go into you’re pokeball?” Raven asked quietly.]

“You’re” is short for “you are”, “your” is the possessive.

Also, why on earth would a pokemon just happen to want what’s also the most convenient thing for a trainer? If it’s uncomfortable being held, maybe she should let it walk or sit on her shoulders.

Actually, the whole thing is remarkably like poor Silver, which is funny because when I wrote that I hadn’t actually seen sues that deliberately picked a runt, I was just going on the bit where the main character’s pokemon are always naturally perfect for battling.

Three.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8910615/1/Quest-for-the-Time-Gears

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Anyway, this is yet another fanfic repeating the same opening as a hundred before. Skip to the part that’s not the same old thing, would you?

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8910893/1/Pokecademy

Nonstory chapters are banned.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.

Sometimes I imagine going through and actually submitting characters to these clusterfucks.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8910952/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-The-Ultimate-Journey

[Age- The age of Ten to start a Journey, let’s face it, is stupid. Therefore, all Trainers graduate from Trainer School at eighteen then choose when they would start their Journey. ]

It’s nowhere near as stupid as eighteen. We’ve seen those ten year olds and the kind of thing a journey usually involves. Unless in your new region they also forcefeed all babies lead, they shouldn’t need to be eighteen to handle it.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ it’s mark ]

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[The kanji-like fire attack effortlessly evaporated the water attack. Ash smiled, Lance had fallen for his trap,]

Yeah, it’s really obvious this scene was originally about different characters when half the time you forget to change the names. I really hope you had permission to do this and regardless, if you’re going to write a story you should actually write it instead of using other people’s stuff.

Also, the battle was pointless. You really don’t need to open with the main character watching a battle as a kid. Other overdone things you don’t need include them dreaming of a battle, fantasizing about their future battle, and basically anything else conveying nothing more than that they think battles are cool, which everyone already can guess.

[James hopped onto a box and kicked off of it, keeping his balance enough to kick the first Grunt in the face with so much force that James swore he heard the person’s neck crack into a broken state and then took hold of the second members’ face with his open palm, swinging himself around him and getting behind the Magmite in order to thrust down on their face, making the Magmite hit the floor and become unconscious. Smirking to himself, James rounded the corner and reflexively kicked the next Magmite in the groin, following up with an uppercut that bashed them into a wall and then crumple to the floor in a broken heap.
The next few hallways were empty until James came to a bigger room, like a mess hall. In fact it had lunch tables and everything. Unfortunately, there were also about fifteen or twenty Magma members, all of whom looked at James. “Hey everyone. How’s lunch today? Anyone interested in a knuckle sandwich?” He asked cockily as some members got up and ran to hit him.
The fighting lasted a while and James was starting to breathe heavily, most of the Magmites already taken down. ]

So he’s a total sue. People in the pokemon world, surprisingly, use pokemon. That includes for defense.

[What the fuck are you talking about you crazy bitch? ]

And an asshole, given that’s the first thing he reaches for when he’s angry. Ah well.

And if she told Katareina, his girlfriend, she would go right after him and she wasn’t a very smart field agent. She would get captured soon after infiltration due to her clumsy nature. ]

Unlike James himself, who was…captured soon after infiltration due to being such a moron he deliberately started a fight. Yeah, better keep the girl away from things, *she* might screw up.

And wow it just keeps going, doesn’t it? Now it’s another girl who exists to be the main character’s girlfriend and have a shitty life that he’s saving her from.

[The fourth chamber, however, held the ‘Special’ Starters, that weren’t any of the normal Starter Pokémon Types. These were Eevee for the Kanto Region, Pichu for the Johto Region, Aron for the Hoenn Region, Shinx for the Sinnoh Region, and Pidove for the Unova Region. ]

That’s not hideously unbalanced in the slightest.

[Well, that’s because your Victini is even more special than you think. Your uncle apparently was able to breed a Victini the right way and produce a little stronger Shiny Pokémon. ]

It’s not just a shiny legendary, it’s an even stronger than usual shiny legendary! I’m out.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8911022/1/Champions

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Despite my accomplishment and efforts to come this far, all I could feel was guilt: guilt at the fact that my rival had been the Pokémon Champion not moments ago, and I’d just swiped his title away and claimed it for myself. A part of me defied this guilt, declaring that I was the rightful Trainer to become Champion, that I had won fair and square, that I had worked tirelessly to be the Pokémon Master. But hadn’t he? Hadn’t Gary done the same? ]

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Also no, Gary didn’t do the same. They fought over who was worthy of being champion and he lost. That’s the difference. Mixed feelings are understandable, being more concerned about Gary than her own lifelong dream is not.

[“Darn it! You’re the new Pokémon League Champion. Although I don’t like to admit it…” he trailed off, and the smile became genuine. He grinned at me, still proud, but shy at the same time. The defeat had already changed him and I was relieved he had shouldered it so quickly. ]

That’s weird and not really explained. Why would he suddenly be smiling at her when he lost? Even if he’s starting to accept it and letting go of some of his disdain for his rival, having him be grinning and proud needs a lot of justification.

[A shard of nostalgia pierces my thoughts as I remember – all that time ago – my original starter. I had traded my Charizard to my cousin, Ash, who had given me his Venusaur in return. Naturally I missed my old Charizard, but I had to admit Venusaur was as formidable and reliable ]

I don’t really see the point of this addition. Most people don’t trade their starters, so it’s not a callback to the normal pattern of the game, nor does it serve any other purpose. It’s just a distraction and if anything, contradicts the whole idea she won due to caring about her pokemon more than Gary, since she traded her first and ends up winning with a pokemon someone else raised.

[I was beginning to get annoyed at how many times he would congratulate me ]

Look, it may suck that Gary is dismissed by his grandfather, but this is getting really forced and annoying in its own way. She’s focused on Gary and Oak’s drama to the point she’s barely even paying attention to the fact she personally just accomplished something huge. Her life shouldn’t revolve around how Gary feels. That should be a distant second in her thoughts at the moment, not the primary thing.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8911094/1/Venturing-Alone

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

[One day, Turtwig had sneaked out of the lab and into Pallet town. He was taken there for a trade. The trainer got tired of him and dumped him in Pallet town. Professor Oak had found him a month beforehand.  ]

It’s incredibly hard to make sense of your writing. Edit instead of just writing as stuff occurs to you and then posting seconds later.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8911415/1/The-Legend-Of-Josh

[Key
“Text” = Speech
/Text = Telepathic Speech
*Text* = Thought
_ Years ago :Text: = Flashback
(Text) = Note added by me, Ry Quaza, nothing really to do with the story.
[Text] = Note added by the character whose POV (Point Of View) we are currently in.]

If you need to write out a key for someone to follow your story, you’re already doing something wrong. Also, there should be absolutely no notes from you in the story and if you’re writing in a character’s POV, anything relevant should come up on its own, without needing to be a separate note.

Trainers start at ten.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[We’d been finding our “Spirit pokemon” [A spirit pokemon is a pokemon which represents your characteristics, and can, with proper training, be summoned at will]. I’d been found to be a Rayquaza.  ]

So he’s a sue then.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8911539/1/Flame-of-Life

[“I really don’t think of it that way.” he told her as his Pokemon character was riding his bike in circles. “It’s more like a game for highly sophisticated gamers. You have to solve puzzles, decide what to do with hostile Pokemon, and a bunch of other stuff that most gamers can’t handle. ]

That is hilarious.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Matthew was an avid gamer who found joy in playing Pokemon games ]

No he’s not. No avid gamer would be arguing the games represent a challenge only the best gamers can handle.

[“Because you’re an idiot and I take pride in being better, smarter, and definitely more attractive than you are.” she told him with her tight jeans hugging her legs and her even tighter shirt giving the illusion that her breast size was larger than it really really was. ]

Well this is going nowhere good.

[who’s daddy ]

Whose. Who’s is short for who is.

[Never had Matthew been so hurt and offended by Rachel before. There was the time that she shoved dog crap in his face, a time she lit his pants on fire as a joke, a time she sneaked a porno magazine in his backpack and told the health teacher he was planning on masturbating while they watched the video on childbirth, and even a time where she hit him in the head with a wooden plank in shop class and sent him to the hospital. Normally, Matthew would beat up anyone who did that to him, but considering she was a girl and his ‘friend,’ he allowed it. ]

So no reason but some sort of masochistic chauvinism. Is there any sort of point to this?

The idea of a machine transporting someone to the pokemon universe is pretty ridiculous even before you have it doing that by accident.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8911539/2/Flame-of-Life

Nonstory chapters are banned.

[Being a writer, I told myself I’d never do this in a million years, even if someone held a gun to my head. Well, throwing all previous morals out the window, I’m writing a fan-fiction for the first time. ]

Not really endearing yourself to the kind of people who read fanfic with this. Also? No hyphen.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[with fan service and T&A that is sure to please fan’s alike ]

You know what pleases me? Knowing that fanservice is a single word, “fans” is the correct plural, and that sentences need punctuation on the end. Even better would be realizing that people other than repressed boys who can’t figure out how to find actual porn on the internet read fanfic, so no, not all fans are pleased by shoving extra boobs into stories.

It manages to get worse from there. Four reviews, because harems continue to be a winner.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8911763/1/Pokemon-Adventures

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

It’s written okay, four letters.

Write out numbers with letters.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8911885/1/Let-s-Conquer-Kanto

[Well, I’m a tomboy. I like cutting my hair short and wear pants and shorts. I am also hot-tempered and violent, often hitting boys who tease and bully me; in return, my parents would scold me. However, I am nice to people who don’t act rude to me, and I don’t judge people by their outward appearances, but by their actions. I am also knowledgeable about Pokémon, knowing many things about them. I can also become reckless at times. ]

Don’t do this. Show a character’s personality by their actions during the story rather than telling people in advance what they’re supposed to be like.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Don’t start your story with your character waking up. It was boring the first time and it’s now been done thousands of times. Start the story when something that isn’t exactly like every other fanfic happens.

[but today is very important to me, because I’m going to start my own Pokémon journey! ]

Trainers start at ten.

[I made my hair spiky again with some gel; I’ve decided to wear a sleeveless orange, midriff jacket with high collars, yellow sleeveless turtleneck, midriff sweater, red shorts, black sneakers with some red colorings, white socks, black fingerless gloves and sunglasses. (Too much description for clothes, but you must have an idea of what she’s wearing.) ]

No, there is no “must”. It doesn’t matter what she’s wearing beyond that some of it’s idiotic to travel in.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[ Anyway, my parents’ wedding rings are made of rubies while her parents’ are made of sapphires ]

Made of them? That sounds remarkably expensive and possibly uncomfortable.

[“Ladies first.”
My frown deepened. “And what do I look like to you?”
He raised his hands in defense. “No offence, Ruby, but Sapphire is more ladylike than you.”
My face turned red with anger, but decided to let Sapphire choose first since she’s more ‘ladylike’ than me.]

That’s really not the way someone would react. He’s obviously just being a dick to her, so why go along with it, particularly if she’s supposedly got a temper and also hates the idea of people being judged by appearances?

Also, her friend sucks for letting this kind of bullshit pass.

[“You said ladies first, jerk!”
He raised his hands defensively. “Calm down. You’re more masculine than I am.”
This time, I punched him clear in the face, sending him sliding on his back across the floor and then his head hit the wall. The Professor and Sapphire were shocked at what happened and rushed to Blue to help him up. They helped him to sit and then found out that his head was bleeding, but not very much. I bit my lips; I felt guilty for what I did and then walked to Blue and knelt down. “I’m sorry, Blue. I didn’t mean to hurt you like this. It’s just that… you’ve angered me.”]

So basically she’s a straw-tomboy. It isn’t that she thinks she should be allowed to act in ways other than stereotypical feminine ways, she’s just unable to control her raging emotions and overreacts to everything!

[“After what happened, Blue will get to choose first. Is that understandable, Ruby?” The Professor asked.]

“After Blue provoked you twice to my tacit approval and then you assaulted him, I feel I should reward him by letting him go first but have no actual problem with the fact you have no control over yourself either.” Do you have any characters who behave sanely and/or in a way that isn’t completely hateful?

[Mine was red, Sapphire’s was light blue and Blue’s was blue. Ironic, isn’t it ]

Not in the slightest. Look up words if you’re going to use them.

Blocked! This author is a wise one. It’ll probably end in flames anyway since it’s apparently a rewrite of someone else’s story. Two reviews so far.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8911996/1/a-place-to-rest-your-head

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Red?”
The dark-haired boy glances up, seemingly unsurprised. “Oh. Hello, Bruno.”]

It’s nice to see him talking for once.

And huh. Wasn’t expecting Bruno to just pick him up. It’s nice to see people being practical about all this. The bit with Green is cute, and the final line funny.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8912038/1/Paul-and-Drew-s-Epic-Adventures

Terrible.

Trolls in this fandom are a disgrace.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8912152/1/What-in-the-Name-Arceus-Happened-Here

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8912391/1/Pokemon-Ranger-Shadow-of-Almia

A summary of your story isn’t a prologue. Don’t post it.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8912426/1/Chris-s-Championship-Challenge-A-Pokemon-Blue-Nuzlocke-Adventure

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

[Become a master and you could do anything you want, like become a gym leader, or become captain of a ship. You could even just relax by the beach all day and do nothing if you really wanted to. It didn’t matter; the prize money from being champion meant you’d never have to work a day in your life. But fail, and you would either spend an eternity training even more Pokemon to try and gain those precious ten seconds of fame, or it was low-wage labor jobs for the rest of your life… ]

This doesn’t make the slightest bit of sense. Society requires more than pokemon trainers and janitors to run.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[Can I really do this? he asked himself. Can I really bring myself to put another Pokemon in harm’s way for my own selfish reasons? ]

But anyway, it’s interesting to see one of these that starts off from the idea this is terrible and has the character forced into it anyway.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8912456/1/Fuck-My-Life-A-Depressing-Look-into-Ash-Ketchum-s-Life

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This makes no sense for Ash. He never behaves like someone who was bullied like that. Nor does the bullying itself make any sense, from motivation down to sheer mechanics – he’s tied to a chair, has makeup put on and then carried across town and up a ladder onto a roof without waking up? This isn’t depressing, it’s just stupid.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8912574/1/Cold-Dream

[ it’s zenith]

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.

You’re overusing commas.

[This region, despite having numerous small towns and even a few villages, these villages and towns aren’t really the type to raise a family.  ]

You seem to have lost track of that sentence. You really don’t need to repeat the bit about towns and villages.

So the area’s full of people who all behave in similar weird and threatening ways for no discernible reason, because?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

None.