Catching back up…
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7744574/1/How_It_All_Started
[IF YOU WANT TO GET THE STORY YOU MIGHT WANT TO READ THIS!
1. Safire is about 5-7 years old
2. MewTwo is at the house because he came to Ash after Safire was born to protect her as thanks to what all he did to help him ]
No. If your story has major divergences from canon, like Mewtwo wandering around Ash’s house, you’re going to have to properly explain that in the story. Also, it’s written as I just did, you don’t capitalize in the middle of a word. Similarly, things like her age should be clear within the story.
As to your story, it’s rife with basic errors, both in terms of mechanics and in terms of plot. Your character sneaks into the woods to find a hurt pokemon because she thought her parents wouldn’t agree to let her go alone, ignoring that she could have just told her parents and have them go help the pokemon, and ignoring that Mewtwo is ridiculously powerful so he would probably have noticed the pokemon’s existence and certainly is capable of sensing her wandering off and teleporting her back to the house. Indeed, Mewtwo doesn’t have any point at all in this story.
Safire being able to understand pokemon is also unexplained and unnecessary – it’s not like she has to hear the pokemon literally saying “I’m hurt! Help me!” in order to figure it out.
[a riolu trapped in thorns! ]
Riolu are quite rare and not found at all in Kanto, which is where Pallet Town is.
[furious Guardian. ]
Not capitalized.
[Are you OK? ]
Okay, four letters.
[Can I get you anything?” the riolu just laughed ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Also, you keep dropping punctuation. It goes at the end of all your sentences, not just some of them.
[your Father ]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Otherwise, it’s written “father” like any other ordinary word.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7744885/1/Ash_and_Mays_Fight_Chapter_1
This is terrible. Look up a basic grammar guide before you post.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7744894/1/Erasers
[the characters may be OC, ]
You mean OOC.
[“If its not obvious,” he rolled his eyes at her mocking tone, “you’re definitely not getting anywhere.” ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7745154/1/Together_Forever
[On the outskirts of Pinwheel forest where the moonlight shines it’s brightest, sat Lux: The kind-hearted Luxray with the bright yellow eyes. ]
Pinwheel Forest, both words are capitalized because both words are part of the name.
“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.
That is not a valid use of a colon. Please look up the rules for punctuation before throwing them around with abandon.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[Lux stared at her blankly, “Something…” He stated in a slightly annoyed tone ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7745261/1/My_Life
This is terrible. Look up a basic grammar guide before you post.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7745365/1/No_Title_Yet
This is incredibly choppy and your narrator reads like there’s something wrong with her head. I’d really suggest a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7745746/1/Unova_Legacy_Destined_for_Greatness
This is terrible. Look up a basic grammar guide before you post.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7745798/1/The_Deceiving_Songs
[Ash planned something special for you in stored”. Brock warned him.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Also, your actual sentences are an incoherent mess. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7745936/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Memories_of_a_Child_v2
[“She will, Kris.” The Shiny Celebi said, to the Glameow. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And you’re overusing commas. Get a beta reader.
[2 years ago ]
Write out numbers with letters.
[With the Shadow.]
Stop doing this. If you’re changing scenes, the change should be clear from the narration itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7745993/1/Shes_A_Lady
[It’s been a while.” He said ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[marine Pokémon. ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7746260/1/Because_Of_The_Boy_Who_Slept_The_Nagging_Teacher
Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” for speech and makes it look like the thoughts are being spoken out loud.
[It’s just a matter of grades.” She heard Green say. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7746559/1/Amazing
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7746440/1/Reunion
[“Vui!” Came the cry of the male’s Eevee ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Don’t abuse epithets. “The male” looks incredibly awkward.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7746683/1/The_Pokemon_World_Tournament
[the Pokémon are ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The little boys name ]
Boy’s. Use apostrophes for possessives.
[9 years ]
Write out numbers with letters.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[it’s mother ]
“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.
You really need a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7747071/1/A_Pokemon_Ranger_Story
This is terrible. Look up a basic grammar guide before you post. And never post a story that’s mostly just stupid author notes.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7747272/1/The_new_Adventure
Capitalize your title properly.
[{this is just astory I dreamed up and I thought it would be cool I’m going to start it in hoen bu their will be more characters then just the ones I have here I want to do all the children of the dex owners according to the shippings I like which are frantic. Oldrival viridian. Ferris wheel carcrash commoner and red and misty :3 but I think its cool I’ll be uploading the first three chapters real quick so please people read. And rate constructive criticism is welcome} ]
This is terrible. Learn to put forth a bare minimum of effort when presenting yourself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7747406/1/Within_the_Time_Span_of_an_Hour
Your story has far too much filler babble. It should be tightened up and the unnecessary bits edited away.
[I winced, being reminded of my headache as I looked towards a girl with light brown pig tails, a red shirt, something like blue overalls, and what appeared to be a white muffin hat with a red bow, “Who…?” ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7747412/1/Banishment
[my quieter brother spoke, “She could still be of use. ]
You can’t use “spoke” as a speech tag, weirdly enough. It’s got to be […my quieter brother spoke. “She could still be of use.] or [my quieter brother said, “She could still be of use.] Same goes for your other use of it.
Aside from that, all your dialogue looks like it’s written correctly.
[“I understand father,” ]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized.
[common Pokemon ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This is written pretty well, but it’s just rather dull. I don’t think you need to actually detail the whole world-creating bit when it’s just a matter of “and then this, and then this, and then this”. Just focusing on the dynamic between the legendaries would be better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7747512/1/Haunted
Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
Don’t write out a bio for your character either. If it matters, it belongs in the story itself, if it doesn’t you shouldn’t bring it up.
This is a terrible first chapter. It’s barely a scene and doesn’t actually tell anything about your story. It might be a decent opening to the rest of your chapter, but it doesn’t work alone.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7747797/1/When_we_meet_agian
Capitalize and spell your title properly.
[“Whats wrong with us?” The girl with the blue hair asked, her name was Dawn.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[“Yeah*sniff sniff* me too i want to forget Hayden.” said pig tails,May. ]
Don’t put actions in dialogue and learn to proofread.
[flashback: ]
Don’t. It should be clear from context.
[‘I trusted you Drew and you broke the promise’ she thought sadly.]
Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” for speech and makes it look like the thoughts are being spoken out loud.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7747814/1/Something_Strange_Happened_at_the_Northern_Desert
[As a Bulbasaur ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“…No. I am hiding from an outlaw.” The voice inside the box answered. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7747942/1/Starlight
[mom said ]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized.
[with Pokemon ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Right, serious,” I said with a half-hearted chuckle of my own, “I guess I haven’t worked at a center. Must’ve been a dream after all.”]
If you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.”
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7748008/1/Zokemon
[then you’ll want more water.” I replied/ ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
And proofread better.
[it’s aqua blue shield ]
“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.
You’re doing a decent job describing, but I really don’t think it’s necessary to detail him traveling through rooms and killing some standard enemies.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7748288/1/Power_Splice
[Wait a sec, the boy thought. Who am I? The revelation the question brought made the boy’s blood run cold. He had no memory of anything beyond waking in the middle of this mountainside clearing. Before the boy’s musings (and dread) could get any further, his thoughts were jarringly interrupted. ]
Your writing is long-winded, which is really at odds with your subject matter, which should be grounded and more direct to have any real impact.
[Cause Pokémon can ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“I could spark another recall,” the boy thought out loud ]
No one talks like this.
…so, he’s getting attacked by a pokemon and orders the sneasel to attack it to protect him, but when the sneasel does and the rhydon starts threatening the sneasel, it turns out he can make pokemon back off by just ordering them to?
[the boy growled menacingly, his voice adopting a deep, hypnotic tone ]
Why wouldn’t this get triggered by the fact he was seconds away from being turned into paste?
It’d make more sense for the sneasel to attack without him saying anything, and with him having more than seconds to live, and then for this to trigger when the sneasel’s the target because it’s the first time either were in that much danger.
[The Pokémon’s reasoning was sound, and his case was simple.
No body’s that heartless.]
…a lot of pokemon, including sneasel, are carnivorous. Even without considering that, this can’t be common behavior because it’s clear that rampaging, territorial pokemon are all over the place, and if most pokemon would try to stop them to protect others, then one or the other would get wiped out in short order. You really need a more specific explanation.
Also, it’s “nobody”, one word.
[“So…,” the boy began ]
Never put a comma after another form of punctuation.
[he asked, rather lamely, “You have a home? A family?”
Sneasel’s cheerful demeanor fractured slightly, his smile faltering, eventually falling to a frown. He bowed his head to stare at the ground. The boy panicked slightly. Sneasel had worked out his intensions at such a small, offside question? Then it hit him. Sneasel didn’t have any idea that he was intending to leave him behind. Sneasel was answering his question.
The boy knelt down in front of Sneasel. As tears began to roll down the grieving Pokémon’s face, the boy placed a comforting hand on top of his head. “I’m so sorry.”]
…well, that’s contrived. I mean, points for not just assuming any pokemon would happily run off with him, but the odds that the first pokemon he runs into has a tragic backstory conveniently freeing him up to travel with the kids are kind of low. It’d be more reasonable to have the sneasel be on its own for some more common reason, like that all adolescent sneasel leave their family to find new territory or something.
Also, “intensions”? Spellcheck.
This is interesting so far, but I’d really suggest finding an experienced beta reader to help fix up your sentences. You tend to use too many words to convey something. Just from the bit I quoted, the first sentence should probably be either that the demeanor fractured or saying that the smile faltered and turned into a frown, it’s communicating the same idea. “panicked slightly” is just bad word choice- panicked is a very strong word, slightly isn’t. If you mean panicking, say it and be done, if you mean something else use a different word.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7748366/1/Pokemon_The_Great_Quest
This is terrible. Look up a basic grammar guide before you post.
90% sure this is a troll, but it’s already got a review:
rod1232
1/16/12 . chapter 1
Lots of spelling and punctuation errors, but I still understand what is happening. Could use a bit more length and more description.
Keep it up!
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7748476/1/Flirtation_Campified
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don’t jump around POVs like that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7748496/1/Golden_Nuggets_of_the_Tanuki
[and mom has ]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized. Otherwise, it’s written “mom” like any other ordinary word.
[a Tepig]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[He is a newly hatch, so he can’t battle very well ]
You mean “a newly hatched pokemon”.
Don’t use character bios, if it’s relevant it belongs in the story and if it’s not you shouldn’t be bringing it up.
Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7748498/1/The_Connection_between_Peach
[“PICHA! PI-PICHAAAAAA”, the small Pichu cried as it ran to it’s owner. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.
[his Mothers arms ]
If it’s not used in place of a name, it’s not capitalized. Also, you need an apostrophe for possessives.
[Yea, thats a good idea. I can send them some money to, ]
Yeah. That’s. Too. Get a beta reader. Or at least run spellcheck.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7748517/1/Pokemon_Sinnoh_Expansion
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Use spellcheck.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7748540/1/Protector
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And hm. When this started it seemed like it was going to be just the usual antics and arguing, but it turned out surprisingly serious underneath.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7748540/2/Protector
Mm, and things went bad fast. This is intriguing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7748740/1/Armas_Big_Arrival
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[whit ]
You keep using this when you mean “with”.
[it wasn’t enough Giovanni didn’t just order an ordinary Mewtwo clone not even a better version
no….He decided to go for a combined version of all legends!]
Wouldn’t it make more sense to make sure they’d worked out the kinks on the whole “unable to control it afterward” part, before trying out a stronger version? At least say they tried out the control thing on something first, even if it’s just some test clone of a rattata.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7748740/2/Armas_Big_Arrival
Script format is banned.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7748829/1/Dimension_Cross
This is terrible. Look up a basic grammar guide before you post.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7748844/1/Im_Stuck_In_A_Mansion_Stuffed_With_Girls
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7748924/1/The_Legendary_Pokemon
This is terrible. Look up a basic grammar guide before you post.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7748977/1/Uptown_Girl_The_Advanceshipping_Soundtrack
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Don’t use quotation marks for thoughts, it makes it look like it’s said aloud.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7749091/1/I_Red
The problem with a rambling narrator is this whole category is filled with rambling stories that take forever to get going.
[first Pokémon ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
I’m not sure what to make of this. From what’s said, the narrator is kept inside because of actual health issues, but then at the end it seems like in order to leave he has to stop whatever treatment he’s on in order to be able to walk out? It isn’t just that he’s on an IV, because you’re specifying he’s pulling it out early rather than at all. If it’s helping him, then wouldn’t he be better off leaving after whatever it is finishes?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7749279/1/Hoenn_Region_Mishaps
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7749462/1/Liliths_Journey
Look. People have been writing stories using the third gen opening since it was released. We’ve already seen it. Skip to whatever’s new about your story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7749462/2/Liliths_Journey
See, this would have made more sense as the first chapter. The starter’s a second stage and she’s running off with it instead of being gifted it. That’s different and a valid thing to spend time showing.
[the Grovyle ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Your plotting is pretty bad. You’re not explaining why the pokemon is willing to obey her over its former owner and to the point of attacking his other pokemon, and…
[“You can talk?” I questioned.
“Well, yea. I’m one of the few pokemon that could talk the human language.” Grovyle replied.
“Whatever…” a poochyena distantly said. I immediatley caught it in a pokeball, which I found a couple seconds ago]
Just….no.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7749241/1/Following_Ones_Footsteps
[“This is my Gligar,” he smiled proudly. ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[“Excuse me, but I didn’t happen to catch your name?”
“Jay, sir. Jay Evans.”
“Professor Elm, here.” The professor scratched his head out of habit, before remembered that this kid was a special case. “If I’m not mistaken you’re from the family that moved from Kanto a few years back, am I right?”
Receiving a nod from the boy, the professor started to move to the back of the lab, motioning for Jay to follow.
“While we don’t have any Starter Pokemon to give you, there is an alternative,” He announced]
…so why exactly wouldn’t he have done this for an ordinary kid? Special treatment is not really a positive thing for anyone but the recipient.
[“Hm? Oh, I appreciate the help Professor but no offense, I would rather do this myself.”
“Bu-but you don’t have any Pokemon! The idea of catching one with brute strength is not very plausible nor very reliable.”
“Professor! I said I don’t need it! This problem…” as Jay stares into his dark brown eyes. “Has now turned into a better challenge for myself!”]
…then why make a big deal about the offer? Why not just have Jay told that he’s too late so he’ll have to come back tomorrow, and Jay deciding he’ll go catch one himself instead of waiting.
[“Yeah, had a lot of guts to come in here” the scientist said. Secretly he was impressed the boy had shown the professor up, he had to tell the guys in the back about it. ]
What? Shown him up how? All that happened was the kid deciding to go try for a Darwin award, that has nothing to do with the professor.
[You’ll defiantly need it. ]
Definitely, not defiantly.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7749753/1/Master_Quest_part_1_Fire_Bug
[if he was filling lucky, ]
Feeling.
[the small rat Pokémon ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[monsterus ]
Spellcheck.
[he examining the wounded and came to two realizations ]
Examined. Wounded area.
You have a lot of these sort of errors. You need to proofread better and should find a beta reader.
This is somewhat interesting- you do a good job of describing everything and having events play out differently than usual…but it’s still yet another rehash of Ash’s journey with Pikachu, which has been beaten into the ground by now.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7749944/1/Fates_Whim
[a Sandshrew ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[you will see threw this ]
Through.
[“Hi! I’m you new trainer!” The boy said happily.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Don’t switch POVs like that. If you want third, stay in third the whole fic.
[“Aw don’t worry I will make sure your happy before we try fighting.” The boy said. ]
Your” is possessive, as in, your story, “you’re” means “you are”.
Also, if this kid was actually concerned with pokemon happiness, he’d catch pokemon that didn’t frantically try to run away.
You have a lot of errors. Get a beta reader.