http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8913021/1/Lighting-and-Thunder
[ the powering evil table ]
What do you even mean?
Use ” rather than ‘, they’re standard.
[His team of murderous Grunts had already taken off my arm, and was performing the forbidden arts of autopsy.]
Okay, first off, it’s not an autopsy if someone’s still alive, it’s vivisection, and regardless there’s no such thing as “forbidden arts” involved.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I jumped off the platform like table and landed unsuccessfully at Ghetsis’s feet.
He gave me a strong metal necklace that said the word that was my name from that moment.]
Why didn’t he just kill Ghetsis? He even just grew a horn, how much more obvious does it have to be that stabbing would be a good idea here.
Anyway, this is all terribly described. You have someone hacking off this guy’s arm, and it’s all so blandly described it might as well not be happening. You say he’s in pain, but there’s no real sign of it. He’s apparently about to die, and the most you do is have him state that once. Ghetsis suddenly says he can live and he doesn’t feel relief or disbelief or anything, just demands to know what the condition is. He’s one-dimensional.
It just gets incomprehensible from there.
No reviews.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8913433/1/The-Rise-of-Dark-Arceus-Kanto-Mission
Write out numbers with letters.
[Dark Arceus and his 15 brothers and sisters were imprisoned in the dark void. His 15 brothers and sisters were: Fire Arceus, Fighting Arceus, Water Arceus, Flying Arceus, Grass Arceus, Poison Arceus, Electric Arceus, Ground Arceus, Psychic Arceus, Rock Arceus, Ice Arceus, Bug Arceus, Dragon Arceus, Ghost Arceus and Steel Arceus. ]
Or as sane people would say, there was one for every type but normal. You really didn’t need to list.
What’s the point anyway? There’s so many interesting legendaries of different types, what’s added by just focusing on a bunch of palette swapped versions of a single guy?
[Also with Vice President Neutron were Vice President Proton Atom and Doctor Ion. ]
There is no way you can expect people to take this seriously with those names.
Stop capitalizing random words.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
So is there any reason Mew and Mewtwo work for them, or why Dark Arceus is such a big deal instead of the canon dark gen 4 legendary who’s canonly kept outside of reality everyone’s so scared of?
…so apparently all the other types can leave whenever they feel like? And there’s no explanation for why the dark typed one should be such a big deal when there’s other typed versions that apparently agree with it.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8913581/1/A-Warm-Encounter
[ the floors of the caves within is always damp with nothing but an immense amount of melted snow trickling from the roofs onto the top of your head ]
Really don’t think you mean “nothing but”. Seems like “from” would fit infinitely better.
[ He didn’t understand why his grandpa, Oak, didn’t ask of all people but him to collect samples from Mt. Silver. ]
I think you mean “asked him of all people”. Also, I think you really need a beta.
[ the Pokémon trainer]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This was cute, but really suffers from wording issues.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8913650/1/Giovanni-s-World-Basile-s-Story
[“It must of they were on only coming from- ]
What? At a guess, I think you’ve confused “of” and the contracted form of “have”, but even switching it to “must’ve” only brings the sentence partway toward sense.
[it name ]
Its, presumably.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Weakening up ]
Think you mean “waking”. Relatedly, proofread better and get a beta reader.
Two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8914266/1/They-Came-Last-Night
Why is your first paragraph centered?
[Once he arrived at the entrance to Mellowville High School, he turned off his iPod and walked inside, checking his phone for the time. 7:30 AM, he thought, and not a soul in sight. Weird. Where is everyone?
He shrugged it off and made his way to Ms. Lee’s English class, wishing he didn’t feel so alone at the time.]
This really doesn’t make sense. Schools have people in them well before class begins, so it should be immediately obvious something’s wrong.
[“No one showed up for school. I was all alone. Not even the teachers or staff were there. I don’t know what’s going on, but I have a feeling something is following me and that it’s the reason no one is around.”
Blaze’s eyes widened and he nodded solemnly. “I see…” Suddenly, Blaze’s expression lightened up. “Dude, what if our wish came true! You know, the one we made on that shooting star when we were kids!”]
Wow does that not follow. “Everyone’s missing and also I’m being stalked by something!” “Clearly it’s our wish for pokemon to become real!”
[To their surprise, each one had a Status Condition of Mvd to RL.
“Moved to RL? What’s RL?” Blaze looked confused.]
While that’s just plain stupid. Just say the pokemon were no longer in the game at all.
And now they’re just embracing the pokemonness without even being slightly creeped out that the human race appears to have disappeared in the process. Besides, Professor Oak’s appeared and that makes it all better and not just more disturbing that they’ve somehow dumped a fictional character into the real world who’s acting like some freakish puppet just there to introduce them to their journey without any human reactions of his own to this bizarre situation.
For the record, I’m actually in favor of the idea people who would wish for this to the exclusion of all else (or most wishes, really) are probably messed up and intentionally writing them as in their own narcissistic bubble would be one thing. But there’s no sign of any awareness of that here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8914474/1/Bianca-Meets-Casey-The-Shocking-Case-of-a-Pok%C3%A9mon-Thief
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
I’m not really sure what the point of making it so Bianca has never caught a pokemon on her own. Presumably you’re using her and not an OC due to wanting to use Bianca as a character, but insane incompetence in battle is already departing a good deal from her. It might have been a better idea to say she decided not to catch any other pokemon and perhaps tie that into her confidence issues, rather than that she can’t manage something everyone else can.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8914474/2/Bianca-Meets-Casey-The-Shocking-Case-of-a-Pok%C3%A9mon-Thief
And now she’s getting her pokemon stolen through incompetence. It’d be one thing if you’d had her pokemon actually badly hurt, but it was fine enough after the battle to try a nonverbal pep talk, so there’s really no sense she needs to rush it to a pokecenter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8914474/3/Bianca-Meets-Casey-The-Shocking-Case-of-a-Pok%C3%A9mon-Thief
And now she’s shouting her pokemon’s name, when it’s inside a pokeball.
[“I’ll just have to use my wits to get Pignite back,” Bianca whispered to herself. As she did, she thought of people from school that teased her for her low grades. They wondered how she could do so badly when she was friends with Cheren, the smartest boy in the class. ]
Does your version of Bianca have any positive traits at all?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8914474/4/Bianca-Meets-Casey-The-Shocking-Case-of-a-Pok%C3%A9mon-Thief
[“There you are!” Bianca shouted, her anger overtaking her. “Give Pignite back, right now!”
The man froze, shocked that he was found in such a large, crowded city. At first, he tried to play dumb. “What are you talking about? I just dropped Pignite off at the Pokémon Center. Just like you asked.”
“Wait, you did?” Bianca asked.]
So that’s a no then.
Is manga Bianca this awful, or is this just the inevitable distillation of someone like Bianca into fanfic?
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8914546/1/Running-with-Nido
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Come on, Nido.” I called for my Pokemon who trudged forward. ]
This reads as if you mean she first says the sentence, then calls for her pokemon to get it to come forward. [“Come on, Nido,” I called.] reads a lot more naturally
[I didn’t really want a Nidoran, or a male Nidoran, but that was the only thing my dad could catch for my birthday those years ago. Well, he would’ve caught other Pokemon too, but Nidoran must have been the first one to show up. And he even had the luck to find a shiny one, too. ]
If she doesn’t want the pokemon and it’s super rare, why hasn’t she just traded it for a species she’d prefer?
[They both had tan skin, but somehow I turned out fair-skinned. ]
I’m really wondering what the point of this is.
[I was beyond the guards views now. I was now free to pick a ship. Lost amongst the crowd, I tried to pick a ride to a new place. Eenie, meenie, miney, moe… I’ll pick that one! ]
You generally present the ticket on the way to a ship, not at the edge of the docks. This should be obvious – otherwise, people would buy the cheapest ticket and then head to the luxury cruise.
Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
Three.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8914563/1/A-mysterious-jourrney
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[ professor oak ]
Names are capitalized.
[ there pokemon journey ]
Their.
And now his unnecessary gift pokemon can talk and only he can understand it, because that’s not sudden or sueish in the least.
[I’m shore ]
Sure.
[“You are the first poke-human to ever exist Michael and I have called you hear today to tell you about your father… He was a great legendary pokemon but one day a group of humans captured him in a pokeball and took his DNA. After that they left his pokeball on a burning boat that was going nowhere. They then found a random trainer that happened to be your mother and took her DNA too. They mixed them and after hours of waiting you were created but your power was too much to handle and an explosion destroyed there lab. Thinking you was dead they all scattered but your mother was alive and from then on she took care of you. She then met a man 3 years later who became your brother’s father. I’m sorry if this was bad news but having that your father was a pokemon you can become an amazing pokemon trainer and can connect with pokemon like non other before you.” Arceus explained. ]
So not just a sue but a ridiculous one. Also, your grammar continues to be terrible. Get a beta reader.
Two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8914649/1/Kyurem-and-Me
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
And hm. Well, it’s a more engaging first pokemon scene than usual, but it’s pretty rushed and can be a bit hard to follow along. Put in more description of what’s going on and what the character is thinking. Right now it’s hard to tell even stuff like how friendly her relationship with her sister is.
None.