So terribly behind…

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7751990/1/I_Would_Walk_a_Thousand_Miles

[“Hey Bulb!” Cried a nearby voice. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[a Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

This feels incredibly generic. It’s like you wrote a standard story with humans and then changed minor details so they’d be pokemon.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7752133/1/Almost_Like_Flying

Well, that was absolutely horrifying.

I like how you develop the scythers at the beginning. And it’s nice to see one who isn’t interested in fighting but also who, despite that, is still chowing down on other pokemon, it’s an aversion of both ends of the usual cliches about them. And everything after that is just so painful. I was expecting her to be upset over evolution and the loss of her wings, only for what actually happens to be so much worse because that’s not even what she was most upset about.

My only issue with this is I feel like you cheated a bit by having the pokeballs be outright mindrape to the point they control her thoughts. It does make the whole thing that much worse because of how there’s no way out, but I liked the subtler creepiness of her getting attached to her trainer over time and being convinced everything was normal and good by the other pokemon.

Authors encouraged: 2!
…Authors discouraged: untold infinities.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7752260/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Latias_In_Distress

[“C’mon Vagus. Almost there, I think.” reassured Michael the Charizard ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7752396/1/Pokemon_Professor_Oaks_Mission

[Viridian city ]

When it’s part of a name, it’s capitalized.

[it’s near totalness ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

[lit by dazzling starlight and a full moon. ]

Stars really do very little to light anything. Generally, cities have things like streetlights instead.

[Midnight was approaching, and the residents had long since succumbed to deep slumber. ]

People in cities don’t all go to bed early.

[A cold wind teased the boughs of the nearby forest, shaking loose leaves that drifted lazily throught the summer-scented air, finding their way by chance in through the open windows of the small houses, and it was just such a handful that scattered themselves on top of a jam-packed shelf of colourful toys, looking blankly out into the bedroom. ]

…wind very rarely carries leaves all the way into a city, and if it did, it’d have to be blowing quite a good deal harder than “lazily”.

Also, through, not throught. Spellcheck.

[“I knew you wouldn’t be able to just put him down.” He whispered, ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[most of the cuddly toys had been thrown into the garbage ]

…what, really? Instead of donating them or giving them to someone else? That’s disgustingly wasteful.

[paints had appeared in there stead ]

Instead. You’ve got to proofread better.

Also, your writing is just way too longwinded. You really need to learn to get to the point. This reads like you’re describing the setting for a script or something.

[a hard toy pokemon that looked like a snake made form a series of rocks ]

And this. Why not “a rock snake”? It’s shorter, it’s to the point, it’s not written as if you think your readers have no idea what an onix is.

This is decent enough – your characters have an understated personality to them, you have a legendary showing up while he’s a baby but there aren’t any long chosen-one prophesies so far, and it seems he isn’t just going to be a trainer. But I can’t really tell where it’s going either – for all I know the next chapter is Oak saying there’s an extra pokemon for him and then a legendary shows up to tell him he’s destined to save the world due to a poem. All you’ve done so far is establish your setting, but you stopped before giving any real clue as to your plot. Your first chapter needs to give a sense of what your story’s about.

I’d stick this (by a hair) in the decent pile except there’s a good chance next chapter will just hop onto the standard OT railroad.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7752434/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_KECLEON

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7752450/1/Miramol_Town

[some rare Bug-type Pokemon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[You can stop now,” she sighed ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You have too much filler in this. The entire section of her feeding her pokemon, for example, is pointless, and you’ve got a lot of other surplus lines. The relevant bits are the route she’s on, the fact it’s apparently uninhabited, the mysterious disaster-and-gravestone area, and the unknown town. You have a lot of bits between those that just gum up your pacing.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7752519/1/The_Pokemon_World_Tournament_Chapter_2

Posting chapters individually is banned.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7752681/2/Pokemon_Bestiary

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Eh. If you’re going to do something like this, you really need a better familiarity with science.

[Planta Bufo ]

See, if that’s its scientific classification, only the first word, the genus, is capitalized. And why would “planta” be its genus? Surely there are plenty of actual plants that would have better claim to the word? Especially when you go on to say the bulb is a separate species that’s not even related. I would grant you that you’re using real Latin for the species, but bulbasaur is pretty clearly based on a dino, not a toad.

[absorbing sunlight to give energy to the Bulbasaur, and the Pokemon eats food to give energy to the plant. ]

That’s really not how plants work. If they’re both producing energy for each other, they might as well just produce it for themselves and live separately. It makes far more sense to say that the plant is aided by the bulbasaur (which is mobile, capable of attacking threats, possesses various senses, etc) and feeds it in return. If the bulbsaur is providing anything for the bulb, it would be nutrients, not energy. The only way it would need to be fed is if the plant isn’t capable of generating enough energy from sunlight to survive, like some parasitic plants, in which case it wouldn’t have extra to give to the bulbsaur.

[The reason Bulbasaur does not feel pain as the plant grows is that it has no nerve endings in the area that the plant grows. ]

That doesn’t make sense either. Nerve endings are important because they help the body tell an area’s injured. If the whole area has no nerves before the plant’s grown into it, then that area’s more likely to get damaged and infected. There are a lot of better ways to explain this, from the plant producing a chemical painkiller to the two being so in sync that the growth of the plant is no different than the growth of any other body part.

[A young Bulbasaur without a bulb was brought to a lab to be saved, as, mentioned before on this page, they cannot survive without the bulb’s energy. A machine that absorbed sunlight and pumped the exact energy that the Pokemon needs into its mouth was made. ]

That is really, really not how things work.

Plants use sunlight to construct molecules which are then used for the energy to power everything else. Energy is just energy, it doesn’t taste different based on its source. If the plant is supplying more complex molecules that the bulbasaur can’t manufacture itself, then it’d need supplements to replace those. If the plant really is just dumping extra energy into the bulbsaur, it’d probably just need a much higher calorie diet to make up the difference.

[Apparently, they are all a product of the bulb, whereas with other grass type species they have a gland near the throat. ]

It’s rarely a good idea to make a sweeping comment about all other grass types. Within the first set of pokemon alone, there’s another symbiotic dual type, paras/parasect, where the two types look even less integrated.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7753281/1/Just_Run_Away

Well, this is kind of creepy, but it’s rather undercut by the fact things were considerably less full of drama and people begging to die in its source material. Grounding things better in what was going on at the game would help – it’s suitably bad without needing to go quite this far over the top.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7753434/1/Dear_Erika

[a Pokémon. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This is interesting, and you do a good job of Leaf getting progressively more unhinged, but I feel it goes on to long. Once she slips into full psychosis the letters become somewhat repetitive and the ending felt underwhelming – sticking to just the letters would have been better, maybe ending on the guts one. I don’t think it makes too much sense that Leaf is able to run around beating up the police either – I’d think Erika would try to do something by the time it’s gone that far, and even if she’s too scared to get anywhere near Leaf she could be asking for, say, Lance to come get involved, while if Leaf is just being a creepy stalker to her alone it seems more plausible.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7753472/1/An_Unlikely_Hell

[this team of Pokemon. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

And this is rather meh. The fact the kid’s a jerk doesn’t seem to really matter much, the plot point is just that this girl happens to challenge a trainer with a yamask that was her dead brother and he refuses to fight her, so focusing the story on the trainer doesn’t work well. And the fact all she is is mildly curious for a few seconds at the mask before forgetting about it makes her look pretty awful and not really worth her brother’s concern.

The yamask idea is a good one, but instead of showcasing it, it’s buried under the rest of this story and reduced to a sidenote. I think the story would have been a lot stronger if you’d made the girl the main trainer and put most of the focus on the battle, and probably cutting out the ending entirely because it just brings up questions like why she didn’t have any interest in investigating the pokemon with her brother’s face that started crying when it saw her and then refused to fight.

[*Yeah. You read that right. His Pokemon’s loss. Not his. God, I hate this guy. ]

Aside from the fact that sometimes it really is a failing of the pokemon’s abilities and not the trainer’s strategy, I find it just really ironic you’re going on about how terrible this one guy is over something so minor when you’re saying boxing a pokemon is like condemning them to hell yet that’s something most trainers do.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7753572/1/Professor_Black_and_the_Mysterious_Watch

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7753594/1/Journey_through_Kanto

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.